1 00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:04,205 (cork pops) Whoa, sorry, sorry. 2 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,473 Oh, my God! You know that there is gonna be champagne 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,341 at this party, right? I know, I know. 4 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,909 But we're gonna get there and it's gonna be 5 00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:11,212 everyone congratulating you on your book, 6 00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,247 saying, "This is a revelation! 7 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,349 "You're gonna end poverty in our time. 8 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:16,817 "This is the greatest book anyone's ever written 9 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,186 in any genre." 10 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:19,887 You're the only one that says that, sweetie. 11 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:20,988 Well, it's true. 12 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,490 So before I lose you 13 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,158 to your adoring public, 14 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,094 I just want to take a moment, you and I, 15 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:29,630 to celebrate the best year of our lives. 16 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,699 Happy New Year. 17 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,267 Happy New Year. 18 00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:38,038 (grunts) 19 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:40,574 We go big tonight! 20 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,210 Easy there, buddy. 21 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:44,011 We're old people, remember? 22 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,913 We haven't even gone medium sized in forever. 23 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:49,383 And I cannot carry you home in this dress. 24 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:50,518 Sweetie, relax. 25 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,719 I got this. 26 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,187 Yeah, right. 27 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,356 I can see your whole future. 28 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,126 You are gonna be so hungover tomorrow. 29 00:00:58,159 --> 00:00:59,527 I'm gonna be fine. Hmm. 30 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,595 I made a vow, remember? 31 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,763 NARRATOR: Kids... 32 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:03,764 the story behind that vow 33 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:04,898 took place the morning 34 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,567 of Barney and Robin's wedding. 35 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,537 You see, after drinking way too much the night before, 36 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,439 this is all your Uncle Barney remembers 37 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,907 from the first two hours of his wedding day. 38 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:16,210 (gasps) 39 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,411 (roars) 40 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:21,715 And that's it. 41 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,050 Now here's how the rest of us 42 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,452 remember those two hours. 43 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,653 (tape rewinding) 44 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:26,854 ROBIN: Found him. 45 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:31,425 You know, he looks better than I thought he would. 46 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:34,962 Rise and shine. 47 00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,930 Up and at 'em, let's do this. 48 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,433 There's a gas leak! 49 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:41,869 The building's on fire! 50 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:44,772 Your shoes don't match your belt! 51 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,442 (moaning) 52 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,116 BOTH: Uh-oh. 53 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,319 (piano playing Wagner's "Bridal Chorus") 54 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,168 Okay, I think my fiancé 55 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,603 peed himself a little. 56 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,838 Oh, tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say 57 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,274 my husband peed himself a little. 58 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:21,675 (moaning) Don't worry. 59 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,010 I accidentally spilled some iced tea on him. 60 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,212 Oh, thank God. 61 00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:25,213 (whispering): I didn't really spill 62 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,514 some iced tea on him. 63 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,182 Oh, God, this is bad. 64 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,783 We're doing family wedding pictures 65 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,052 at the lighthouse in two hours. 66 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,687 My father is paying for the whole thing. 67 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,223 He's gonna kill Barney if he doesn't show up. 68 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:36,990 Come on, your dad's tough. 69 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,126 But won't he understand a good old-fashioned hangover? 70 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,394 ROBIN: My father's recipe 71 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,395 for a Bloody Mary 72 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,563 trades out tomato juice 73 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:43,797 for wolf's blood. 74 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,366 Ooh. Ooh. 75 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,500 Bloody Mary? 76 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,503 Sounds more like a Bloody Scary. 77 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,539 I'm gonna say it again. 78 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:52,673 Uh, hold on. Bloody Mary? Sounds more... 79 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:53,841 You guys are forgetting 80 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,577 Barney Stinson has a super power. 81 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,580 He can't take a bad photo. 82 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,550 (grunts) Okay, here. 83 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,117 Watch. 84 00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:08,856 Guys, Barney may be dead. 85 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,391 MARSHALL: That's it! 86 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,326 You know what? We are all now seriously too old 87 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,661 to keep doing this to ourselves! 88 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,229 I vow here and now 89 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:18,832 that I shall never again get that drunk in my life! 90 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,369 NARRATOR: Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow. 91 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,571 And I will not break that vow 92 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:26,006 as sure as I will always have a full head of hair! 93 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,509 WOMAN: In other elections today, 94 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,678 in the race for New York State Supreme Court, 95 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,079 Judge Brad Morris... 96 00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,114 Mmm, just look at him. 97 00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,616 I would love to rub that down. 98 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:36,917 (clears throat) Sorry. 99 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,752 Has increased his sizable lead 100 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,788 over Judge Marshall Eriksen. 101 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,890 It was supposed to be a victory party. 102 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,858 You ran a great campaign, baby. 103 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,560 Yeah, but it was the most stressful 104 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,228 three weeks of my life! 105 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,300 And in other results, a surprise comeback. 106 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,536 We are now ready to call the New York State Supreme Court race 107 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,405 for Judge Marshall Eriksen. 108 00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:59,072 (all cheering) 109 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,974 We'll go to Judge Eriksen for a live statement 110 00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,810 in just a few minutes. 111 00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,745 (slurring): Come again for Judge Fudge? 112 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,080 As your next commissioner... 113 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,283 State Supreme Court judge. 114 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,884 ...of Gotham City... 115 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,086 The State of New York. 116 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,256 ...I vow to make Batman work harder. 117 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,591 I say 118 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,394 shine that Bat-Signal even for small stuff. 119 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,963 Like, uh, shoveling snow. 120 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:26,800 Or, like, uh, if a police horse dumps out in the park. 121 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:27,801 LILY: Okay, well, that will be 122 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,269 all at this time, thank you. 123 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,104 That's all. Okay. 124 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,139 Mmm, good night. 125 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:33,607 Never again! 126 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,242 I vow it! 127 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,977 I am more worried about the vows I have to take 128 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,479 with this useless pile of garbage 129 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:39,447 in a few hours from now. 130 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,681 What do we do? 131 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,915 You guys see the irony here. 132 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,183 The only person who could possibly get 133 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:44,652 Barney back on his feet 134 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:45,819 is Barney. 135 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,020 NARRATOR: See, over the years, 136 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,088 we'd all come to experience 137 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,990 something Barney called... 138 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,593 Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir! 139 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:53,827 The most effective 140 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:54,962 post-bender, head's-too-tender ender 141 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:55,963 from here to Denver. 142 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,197 What's in it? 143 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,966 Glad you asked. Ah, I take it back. 144 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,468 Columbia University, 1941... I take it back, I take it back. 145 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,470 President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 146 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:05,973 whom we all know is most famous for being a world-class drunk, 147 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,708 commissioned a top secret scientific project-- 148 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,310 develop an elixir to cure the common hangover. 149 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,780 And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR pick 150 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,449 to head up this historic task? TED: Look. 151 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,451 My head really hurts. Let's just speed this along. 152 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,719 You're clearly ripping off 153 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,354 the story of the Manhattan Project, 154 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:22,890 which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer. 155 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,660 So I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative... 156 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,063 ...Barnert Stinsonheimer? 157 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,300 Somebody's read their history books. 158 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,302 The Too Many Manhattans Project 159 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,638 hit a few snags at first. 160 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:38,972 The first batch exploded. 161 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,908 Which sounded kind of like this. 162 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,543 Boom! Oh! 163 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:43,644 You suck. 164 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,012 Just let me finish. 165 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,814 But the second batch... 166 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,649 sadly also exploded. 167 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,050 Boom! Oh! 168 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,752 Why are you here right now? 169 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,153 Do you want to hear the story or not? 170 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,488 Absolutely not. Please leave. 171 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,856 After some trial and error, 172 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,158 Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found 173 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,027 the magic formula. 174 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:03,697 TED: Hang on. 175 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,032 Funyuns? 176 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,366 Tantrum Soda? 177 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,334 Sure. 178 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,536 In 1941? 179 00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:09,903 Sure. 180 00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:10,938 They haven't made new Tantrum since then. 181 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,272 That stuff lasts a while. 182 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,175 Anyway, the elixir was such a success, 183 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,611 he was awarded the Bro-bel Prize. 184 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,613 True story. 185 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:20,714 Boom! 186 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,082 Wh-Wh-Why? 187 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,517 That time I was just messing with you. 188 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,318 Just give me the stupid drink. 189 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:27,588 (groans) 190 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:30,824 NARRATOR: And the craziest part was... 191 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,797 I-I feel better. 192 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,632 Over the years, each of us would discover 193 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,534 that Barney's elixir actually worked. 194 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:42,235 Like, way better. 195 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,370 What's in this thing again? 196 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,138 Stinson family secret. 197 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,374 Oh, come on, you told me most of the ingredients in your story. 198 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,042 Just tell me the secret one. 199 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,410 Ha! I'll never tell you. 200 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:52,913 I'll take it with me to my grave. 201 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:53,947 Damn it, Barney! 202 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,282 Why are you always so selfish?! 203 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,650 We are trying to help you! 204 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:57,751 ROBIN: Okay, we somehow have 205 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,252 to get this leaky barf bag 206 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:00,554 back on his feet before the wedding pictures. 207 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:03,423 Well, we know what Barney would want us to do. 208 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,093 WOMAN: Say cheese. 209 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,595 ALL: Cheese! 210 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,829 ROBIN: No! 211 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,598 We are not doing Weekend at Barney's! 212 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:11,832 But that's the dream! 213 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,601 I can't believe I just said that. 214 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,935 Someone suggest something useful! 215 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,269 Okay, here's the plan. 216 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,071 Marshall, you and Ted go gather 217 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,439 the ingredients we do know. 218 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:20,474 Robin, 219 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,909 you wake up Barney long enough 220 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,611 to find out the secret ingredient. 221 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:27,615 And I'll race down to the spa to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi. 222 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:28,616 Okay, let's do this! 223 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:29,683 Bitch? 224 00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:30,818 Walk out that door and I tag in 225 00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,085 Zabka as my maid of honor. 226 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,922 Okay, let's start simple. 227 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:35,989 Fresh ocean air. 228 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:36,990 Come on, baby. 229 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,492 BOTH: Come on, honey. 230 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,193 Come on, love, yeah. Baby, baby. 231 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,797 I'll get the elevator. 232 00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:46,133 Oh, I should get some water. 233 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,779 Okay, so... 234 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,814 accidentally throwing Barney down the stairs 235 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:03,016 did not wake him up. 236 00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,285 Nor did banging his head on each step 237 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,687 as we dragged him back up here. 238 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,456 So, how do we wake him up long enough 239 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,224 to tell us the final ingredient? 240 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,826 You know, when my sister and I 241 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,562 had trouble getting up for school, 242 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,764 my dad had a few cute little tricks. 243 00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:22,803 (growling) 244 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,804 I'll do it! 245 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,973 I swear to God I'll do it! 246 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,908 Your dad used to do this to you? 247 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,843 Well, it was with a Cabbage Patch doll and an ax. 248 00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,078 But same idea. Trust me. 249 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,080 I was never late for kindergarten again. 250 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,549 What? Come on. 251 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,985 (Barney moaning) 252 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,553 (groans) 253 00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:40,888 I second Marshall's vow. 254 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:43,991 I will never, ever get that drunk again. 255 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,926 NARRATOR: Yeah. She would. 256 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,061 LILY: My baby boy's 257 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:49,329 in college. 258 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,497 Did you pack enough undies? 259 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,865 Yes, Mom. (shushes) 260 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,334 Your father did a lot of puking 261 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,336 in these hallowed halls. 262 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,405 From-from binge studying. 263 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,340 (quietly): Saved it. 264 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,341 That reminds me, mister. 265 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,943 No underage drinking. 266 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,745 No good comes from hanging out 267 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,747 in bars and getting drunk. 268 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,449 But every story from your 20s starts in a bar. 269 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,018 Listen to your mother. 270 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,253 Oh, what are we gonna do without you in the house? 271 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,622 (groans) 272 00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,724 We got him out of the house! Drink up! 273 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:19,760 (grunts) 274 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,128 (whoops) 275 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,731 Oh... 276 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:28,802 You son of a bitch! You son of a me! 277 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:31,138 All right, we got most of the ingredients on our list. 278 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,106 Ginger, bananas, Funyuns. 279 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,075 I cannot believe that minimart sold Tantrum. 280 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,877 It's been discontinued for years. 281 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,111 Uh, hey. (clears throat) 282 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:40,113 Will you, uh, toss me that bottle? 283 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,882 Oh. Yeah, we haven't done this forever. 284 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,416 (smacks lips) 285 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:44,417 Dude! 286 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:45,452 You're a grown man. 287 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:46,720 Why you throwing a Tantrum? 288 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:47,921 Nice! 289 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,089 So awesome! 290 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,057 So awesome! 291 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,124 Okay, there's only 292 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:52,793 one more item on the list and... 293 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,962 it's an odd one. 294 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,830 Grease? Grease. 295 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,432 At the Farhampton Inn, we don't cook with grease. 296 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,434 Our menu is organic. 297 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,270 Farm to table, locally grown. 298 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,572 No "grease." 299 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,573 Sir, 300 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,241 I am from Minnesota, 301 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,143 where every meal is cooked with grease. 302 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,746 And my father dubbed that food the tastiest eats 303 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:15,649 in the whole gosh darn world, so... 304 00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,117 And how is your father's health? 305 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,088 Point is, it tastes really good. 306 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,589 Also, uh, 307 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,257 we need it to help a friend recover from a hangover. 308 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,093 Wait a second. 309 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,795 There's bacon right here. 310 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,096 And where there's bacon, 311 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,263 there's bacon grease. 312 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,665 Which we throw out. 313 00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:33,934 And we aren't making any more bacon today. 314 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,636 Not unless it all somehow gets eaten in the ten minutes 315 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,872 before breakfast is over. 316 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:41,709 No, no, no! 317 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,110 Ted, do not give me that look! 318 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,311 A mountain of food. 319 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,645 A ticking clock? Come on! 320 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:46,814 You live for this stuff! 321 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,982 No, I'm not a wild animal. 322 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,151 I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer, 323 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:54,154 poised to become a judge before age 35. 324 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,555 And remind me, how did you celebrate 325 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,057 getting accepted into Columbia? 326 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,693 You eat one eight-pound block of fudge 327 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,895 in 12 minutes and you're marked for life. 328 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,997 You're not marked for life... 329 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,032 Big Fudge. 330 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,333 I'm out, okay? 331 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:07,334 You eat the bacon. 332 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,902 You know I can't. 333 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,337 I'm allergic. Ted. 334 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,705 I've been trying to tell you this for years. 335 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,473 Your bacon allergy is a lie 336 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,709 your mother made up so you'd eat healthy as a kid. 337 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:18,011 No, I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff. 338 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,412 Bacon, doughnuts, 339 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,681 Halloween candy. 340 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,817 Not saying thank you. 341 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,485 Oh, my God! 342 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,787 That bitch lied to me! 343 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,556 Okay, I'll-I'll do it. 344 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,292 But I... look, I don't, I don't even know if I'll like bacon. 345 00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,029 (sniffs) 346 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,098 Mm-hmm. 347 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,201 What do you think? 348 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,270 (choir humming) 349 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,806 I have seen the face of God. 350 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,611 Okay, there is one thing we haven't tried yet. 351 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,513 Making out with each other. 352 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,382 You really think that will wake him up? 353 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,583 Wake up who now? 354 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:58,786 (Barney moaning) 355 00:11:58,819 --> 00:11:59,887 (groans) 356 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,554 Look at this soggy bag of snot. 357 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,690 That's it, I am joining Marshall's vow. 358 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,860 I am never, ever getting that drunk again. 359 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,797 NARRATOR: Kids, you see where this is going. 360 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:15,102 Did last night really happen? 361 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,370 I think so. 362 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,306 Look, let's just agree. 363 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,809 Absolute silence for the rest of the day. 364 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,143 (baby crying) 365 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,978 (groans) (laughs) 366 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,746 Every time. 367 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:27,881 You want me to get her? 368 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,050 No, I got her. 369 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,652 (grunts) 370 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,222 Yeah, I know, I know. 371 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,424 (shushing) 372 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,728 Hey, Barney? 373 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,595 Yeah? 374 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,431 Whose baby is this? 375 00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,140 Uh, pardon. 376 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,076 (speaks French) 377 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,911 How could you, Mom?! 378 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,279 You had the map 379 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,148 to heaven and you never showed me the way. 380 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,150 May you rot in the bacon-less hell 381 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:05,819 that I've lived in my entire life. 382 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,988 Yeah, they-they, uh, crisp it up real nice here. 383 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,289 Don't they? Mm-hmm. 384 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,157 What is that-- applewood smoked? 385 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,358 You know what, Ted, 386 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,625 you've been going at it real hard. 387 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,161 Why don't you take a breather? 388 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,595 And I'll drive us home. 389 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,364 (growls) 390 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,000 Well, congratulations. 391 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,634 Here's your grease. (grunts) 392 00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:22,936 No! 393 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,704 I don't want to lose a finger. (grunts) 394 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:25,973 Here. Thanks. 395 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:26,974 All right, Ted, let's go. 396 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:28,075 No, no! 397 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,211 I finally found the one, Marshall. 398 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,713 Her name is Bacon. 399 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,950 You know, this would go great on one of my mom's LT sandwiches. 400 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,318 Buddy, you got to take it easy. 401 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,786 Never! 402 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,788 I got a lifetime without bacon to make up for. 403 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,490 I will keep eating and eating 404 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,225 and eating... Oh, God, help me. 405 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,393 I'm going down. 406 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,195 NARRATOR: And that's the first 407 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,964 and last time I ever ate bacon. 408 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,465 He's not waking up! 409 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,466 I'm out of ideas! 410 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,468 We've tried everything! 411 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,836 Not everything. 412 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,306 Lily Aldrin? 413 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,673 Let's make out. 414 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,009 (gasps) 415 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,476 Are you sure?! 416 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,012 Yeah, baby, I'm sure. 417 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,746 Um... 418 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:08,648 okay, well, you know what? I mean... 419 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,151 it probably won't even work. 420 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,752 And it was stupid. 421 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,154 I'm stupid. 422 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,822 (shushing) 423 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,424 You're beautiful. 424 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,330 (gasps) 425 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,265 More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more. 426 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:26,266 Whoa, he's awake! 427 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,700 How'd you do it?! 428 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:28,701 Nothing special. 429 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:29,869 Hydration, patience. 430 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:30,938 Quick, before he passes out again. 431 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:32,205 Barney! (grunts) 432 00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,074 What's the secret ingredient 433 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,910 in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir? 434 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,278 Come on, stay with us. 435 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,847 The secret ingredient 436 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,082 is... 437 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,516 nothing. 438 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:44,417 ALL: Huh? 439 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,719 I ate too much bacon. 440 00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:49,056 Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir 441 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:52,225 is a lie. 442 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,928 That's the secret. 443 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,796 You... 444 00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:59,232 You know, I could use a little lie-down myself. 445 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,707 So, Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie? 446 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,742 Why would you lie about that? 447 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,078 Just to mess with us? 448 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,212 Like that one jerk in every high school 449 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,446 who brings in fake mushrooms 450 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,581 just to see who's gullible enough 451 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,748 to think they're tripping? 452 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,784 Damn you, Ollie Gunderson. 453 00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:20,387 I knew those shrooms tasted like Sea-Monkeys. 454 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,089 How do you know what Sea-Monkeys taste like? 455 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,923 My older brothers are not... 456 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,758 the best people. 457 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:26,893 Why did you lie? 458 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,895 I... 459 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,299 love you guys. 460 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,502 He loves us? 461 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,070 Let's throw him down the stairs again. 462 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:38,571 Yeah! Yeah! 463 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:39,406 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Think about it. 464 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,607 The first time Barney 465 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,608 gave us that drink, 466 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:42,609 those hangovers all happened 467 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,677 at the worst possible moments. 468 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,846 Remember? Marshall thought he botched day two 469 00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:49,916 of the bar exam, so he freaked out that night and got wasted? 470 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,951 Now I'm gonna miss the last day of the bar? 471 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,520 I'll never be a lawyer! 472 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,655 I should just go back to being a manager at Structure. 473 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,624 That ten percent off all vests sale? 474 00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:58,958 That was my idea! 475 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,260 As was cutting the arms off 476 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,361 all the shirts that weren't selling. 477 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,996 That's where I belong. 478 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:05,098 No, Marshall. 479 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,699 You're gonna be a lawyer. 480 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,435 (groans) No, I can't do it. 481 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,271 Yes, you can. Your first day back live on the air 482 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,673 is gonna be legend-- wait for it-- 483 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:14,774 dary! 484 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,509 Your kindergarten field trip 485 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,511 to the jackhammer and siren museum today... 486 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,479 (groans) 487 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,681 ...is gonna be legendary. 488 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,150 No, it's not. 489 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,185 Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again. 490 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,454 I-I'm never gonna recover from this. 491 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,855 It's just a hangover, Ted. 492 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,123 Not that! 493 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,492 I got left at the altar, Barney. 494 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:36,196 I'm now a guy who got left at the altar. 495 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,631 There's no coming back from that. 496 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,900 Drink this. 497 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,103 You're gonna be okay. 498 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,906 Barney made up the Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir 499 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,209 so we would all believe that we could rally. 500 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:52,512 I mean, even though it's fake, it-it worked. 501 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,980 Like-like Dumbo's feather. 502 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,015 Dum-bro's feather. 503 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,050 A placebo. 504 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,651 Place-bro. 505 00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,719 A sugar pill. 506 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,221 (gasps) 507 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:02,689 I... 508 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,824 He lied so we'd be okay. 509 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,226 Hmm. 510 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,561 Barney does love us. 511 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,831 I wish we could help him out the way he helped us. 512 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,933 But the wedding photos are in 20 minutes. 513 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:15,902 (groans) My dad's gonna be so pissed. 514 00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,270 Yup. 515 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,439 Barney's a dead man. 516 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:28,315 (camera shutter clicking) 517 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,553 Barney? 518 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:34,921 You were always a bit... 519 00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:37,390 chatty and blond 520 00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,058 for my taste. Like a woman. 521 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,694 But this new side of you-- 522 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:42,929 quiet, 523 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,364 steady? 524 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,299 I like it! 525 00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:49,602 You've earned my respect today, son. 526 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:50,903 I request the highest of fives. 527 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,305 Oh, no. Stay cool. 528 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:55,675 I got this. 529 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,749 BARNEY: I don't believe this. 530 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,417 You did Weekend at Barney's. 531 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,885 And it worked. 532 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,821 God, today's gonna be all downhill from here. 533 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,390 That's what the bride wants to hear. 534 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,724 No, that's not what I meant. 535 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,493 I just mean Weekend at Barney's 536 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:16,229 is a thousand times more amazing than our wedding could ever be. 537 00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:19,199 I'm gonna get some more coffee. I can't wait to see the photos! 538 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,570 Well, he bought it. 539 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:24,804 We lied out of love. 540 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,105 Look how happy he is. 541 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,640 I mean, he has no idea we had to cancel 542 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,409 the wedding photos and my dad was so angry, 543 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,644 he came up to our room and kicked Barney in the crotch. 544 00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,814 And the best part is your dad has no idea. 545 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,483 He still loves me. 546 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:39,586 Hey, do anyone else's balls hurt? 547 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:40,987 MARSHALL: And, look, 548 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,189 some good came out of all this. 549 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,590 Seeing you like that, we all vowed 550 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,658 never to get that drunk again. 551 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,194 Well, actually I didn't. 552 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,461 But I will now. 553 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,762 Never again. 554 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,331 Never again. Never again. Never... Ow! 555 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,132 NARRATOR: Kids, no matter how hard we try, 556 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,602 even the best of us go a little too wild sometimes. 557 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,605 And in those moments, we all need 558 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,040 someone who loves us to help us rally. 559 00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:03,009 (groans) 560 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:07,013 (whispers): Happy New Year. Okay. 561 00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:08,448 That was, that was way too loud. 562 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,517 You're practically screaming. 563 00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:12,185 What you need 564 00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:15,188 is Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. 565 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,290 Even if that means lying once in a while. 566 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,491 Does it work? 567 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:19,592 Totally works. 568 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,296 (gags) 569 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,031 It's normal, it's totally normal. 570 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,834 (groans) 571 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,570 (laughs) I love you so much. 572 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:31,538 I love you, too. 573 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,840 Whoop, whoop. 574 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,141 Better drink it fast. 575 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:35,975 BOTH: Mommy! 576 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,176 Hey, look who it is! 577 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,511 Get her! 578 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,680 (all clamoring) 579 00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,387 I can't believe we kissed today. 580 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,489 Weird. 581 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,057 I-I feel kind of bad 582 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:53,593 that, um, Ted and Marshall missed it. 583 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,928 Hey, we should kiss one more time 584 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:59,432 in front of them just to, like, blow their minds. 585 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,067 Right? 586 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,335 Nah, I don't think so. 587 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,036 Exactly, totally. 588 00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:07,507 Ha-ha, guys, you don't get to see this kiss either. 589 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,108 So, where should we go? 590 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,043 Closet, patio? 591 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,279 Ooh, I think the sauna's open. 592 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,746 Well, I... actually... 593 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:17,284 to be honest, it-it felt kind of weird to me. 594 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:18,451 Once was enough. 595 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:19,586 Totally. 596 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:20,687 We could kiss. 597 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:21,721 We could not kiss. 598 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,222 We could kiss. 599 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,624 Doesn't matter to me. 600 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,759 It's stupid. I'm stupid. 601 00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:30,263 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 602 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,332 So stupid.