1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,138
MAN:
Well, that party was a dud.

2
00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:05,539
MAN 2: I think I struck out
with, like, 20 girls.

3
00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:07,575
And...
my condom expired.

4
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:08,876
We are losers!

5
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,344
We've tried
everything.
(sighs)

6
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,012
We're covered
in Drakkar,

7
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,147
I've got fresh
new white socks,

8
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,982
and I thought our
mime work in there

9
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,984
was excellent!

10
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,018
What?

11
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:27,195
Um, are we in a zombie
movie right now?

12
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,766
(hiccups)

13
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,413
(scoffs)

14
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,817
(sniffing)

15
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,521
Boys...

16
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,257
today is your lucky day.

17
00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:59,026
Because today...

18
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,895
I'm gonna teach you
how to...

19
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,931
(vomiting)

20
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,235
...live.

21
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,002
Who's got gum?

22
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:25,052
NARRATOR:
Kids, for a brief period
when I was seven,

23
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,421
my best friend was a balloon.

24
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:28,989
It was the classic story:

25
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,924
boy meets balloon,

26
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,960
boy and balloon become friends,

27
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,128
boy loses balloon

28
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:35,963
when Mom sets out hot dogs
in the backyard.

29
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:39,167
No!

30
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,068
NARRATOR:
Decades later, boy's new
best friend finds out

31
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,337
about the whole thing and never
lets him live it down.

32
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:45,173
I hate you so much.

33
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,440
NARRATOR:
The whole thing
taught me a lesson.

34
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:47,808
If you love something,

35
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:48,942
you can never let it go,

36
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,844
not even for a second,

37
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,079
or it's gone forever.

38
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,048
Well, at least
I still got my hot dogs.

39
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,018
No!

40
00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,853
NARRATOR:
It was a lesson that took me

41
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,589
nearly 30 years to unlearn.

42
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,291
Where could Barney be?

43
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,092
Oh, relax.
He always finds
his way home.

44
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,195
St. Patrick's
Day, 2008.

45
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,029
He did not find his
way home that night.

46
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,998
That Dumpster was
a block from his apartment.

47
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,666
I call
that a win.
(laughs)

48
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,169
Also, that isn't
the filthiest trash
he's ever slept with.

49
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:17,271
Ho! My future
husband, folks!

50
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:19,307
(both laughing)

51
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,141
Or maybe he bailed
on the wedding.

52
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,142
Oh, come on.

53
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,110
Don't even
think like that.

54
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,613
Well, he's terrified
of commitment--

55
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,716
although, ironically,
loves being tied down...

56
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:32,353
Look, as the run-offee
at my own almost-wedding,

57
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:34,121
I can tell you
you are fine.

58
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,324
Barney is no Stella.
Mmm.

59
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,958
Hey, have you talked
to her in a while?

60
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,893
Stella?
Yeah.

61
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,729
The woman who
broke my heart

62
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:43,163
and embarrassed me
in front of

63
00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:44,832
all my friends
and loved ones?

64
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,400
(laughing):
Uh... no.

65
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,835
NARRATOR:
That was a lie.

66
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,002
A few days earlier,

67
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,671
I had talked
to Stella on the phone.

68
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,406
Because, as you may recall,

69
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,409
I'm kind of
the wedding gift master.

70
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,710
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.

71
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:57,745
Do you not hear

72
00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,179
how weird this all sounds?

73
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,147
What part of this is weird?

74
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,649
You're going to your
ex-girlfriend's wedding.

75
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,551
It's not weird at all.
Where you'll be the best man...

76
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,818
Utterly not weird.

77
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,654
And now, less than
a week before the wedding,

78
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,856
you're calling the woman
who left you at the altar

79
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,991
and moved three time zones away

80
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,226
on the razor-thin chance

81
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,427
that I somehow ended up

82
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,263
with her grandmother's locket?

83
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,330
You know what's weird, Stella?

84
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:17,431
Not seeing Star Wars

85
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:18,566
until you're 30.

86
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,000
You're trying
to blow up the wedding.

87
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,202
You called C-3PO "the Tin Man."

88
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:23,371
He is made of tin!

89
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:24,938
It's Tatooine scrap metal!

90
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:27,408
This is not an argument
you are gonna win.

91
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,109
Now, do you have
the locket or not?

92
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,445
Look, I might have it somewhere

93
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,247
in one of my old boxes
in our storage locker,

94
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,849
but even if I did, I cannot get
out there this week.

95
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,117
I'm totally swamped.

96
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:41,121
One ticket to Los Angeles,
please.

97
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:43,123
MARSHALL:
So the reason someone
can't come up

98
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,558
to fix the air conditioning

99
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,127
is that the ghost
of Captain Dearduff,

100
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,729
who haunts this room,

101
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,130
likes it muggy?

102
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:51,131
That's correct.

103
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,566
Although, now that
I say it out loud,

104
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,468
it does sound
kind of ridiculous,

105
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,103
because there's
no such thing as ghosts.

106
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,070
Right?

107
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,874
You have outflanked me,
Front Desk Guy!

108
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,444
Victory is yours!

109
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,280
NARRATOR:
The truth is, there was
a ghost in that room.

110
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,081
You see, minutes earlier,

111
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:10,050
Marshall had been in the middle
of the worst fight

112
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,218
of his marriage,

113
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,354
when all of sudden,
Lily stormed out.

114
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:17,090
Damn it, Lily.

115
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,258
This is so unfair.

116
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,660
I know!

117
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,829
Storming out in
the middle of an argument?

118
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,597
So childish!

119
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,733
Thank you,
Ghost Lily.

120
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,101
I'm glad at least
you see it that way.

121
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,838
Although, let's be honest,
I did you a favor.

122
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,072
You were gonna lose.

123
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,407
I... what?

124
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,608
I was gonna lose?

125
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,944
Uh, check your spectral
scorecard, Ghost Lily.

126
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,145
I had you on the ropes.

127
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,246
That's why you ran out.

128
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,849
I ran out because
you brought up San Francisco.

129
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,083
It was a valid point.

130
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,985
It's ancient history.

131
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,520
If you're mad at anyone,

132
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:48,155
you're mad at 2006 Lily.

133
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,257
Well, I can't very well
have an argument with 2006...

134
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,092
(à la Borat):
Is nice!

135
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,894
(normal voice):
Do people still say that?

136
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,697
I'm sorry,
how exactly

137
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,532
are you gonna
teach us how to live?

138
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,968
The journey to awesome

139
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,070
starts with a single...

140
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,673
Actually, lots of singles.

141
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,707
We're going to a strip club.

142
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,041
(laughs)
Strip club?

143
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,177
We're in the middle
of nowhere.

144
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,812
There is always
a strip club.

145
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,983
Hey, are you a little worried
this guy might kill us?

146
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,952
We just put a down payment
on adult bunk beds.

147
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,154
Would getting killed
really be so bad?

148
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:23,156
Good point.
I got a weird feeling.

149
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,525
I mean, there's
something off about...

150
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,059
Whoa!

151
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:29,963
BARNEY:
Question:

152
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,733
why does this sign
say "gentlemen's club"?

153
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,536
Answer: because The Crab Shed

154
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,805
is a place for gentlemen.

155
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,139
A gentleman

156
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,708
tips generously.

157
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,042
A gentleman uses

158
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,545
the complimentary
bathroom cologne...

159
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:45,813
(whispering):
...but not too much.

160
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,081
Oh. This is
important.

161
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,651
Your instinct may be

162
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,521
to avoid the free buffet.

163
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:57,024
Your instinct is wrong.

164
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,992
Don't sleep on the meatballs,
gentlemen.

165
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,394
They are

166
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,562
exquisite!

167
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,764
Come on!

168
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,001
You know,
I liked Stella.

169
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,570
Even though she
broke your heart,

170
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,439
I'd still put her
in your top five.

171
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:12,940
Which are...?

172
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,508
All right,
number five, Stella.
Mm-hmm.

173
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,876
Number four,
Zoey.

174
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,078
Number three, uh,
the Slutty Pumpkin.

175
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:19,079
Ah.

176
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:19,980
Number two,
Marshall,

177
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,915
that time you guys
pretended to be a couple

178
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,283
when Barney was trying
to sell the apartment.

179
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:24,351
(both laugh)

180
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,754
And number one,
Victoria.

181
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,388
Well, you've given
this some thought.

182
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:29,623
Well, we all have.

183
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,692
There's kind of a running
e-mail chain about it.

184
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,094
But the pastry chef
was the best.

185
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,463
No question.

186
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,264
I do miss her
sticky buns.

187
00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:38,432
Uh, euphemism?

188
00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:41,435
Nope.
(laughs)

189
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:42,703
Can I be honest?

190
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,873
Um, it was kind of crazy
how all of sudden

191
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:49,610
it was just... over
between you and Victoria.

192
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,745
I mean...

193
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,548
you guys were seven
years in the making.

194
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:57,150
She left her fiancé
for you.

195
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,351
What... why would
you break up?

196
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,322
What happened?

197
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,059
(clears throat)

198
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:08,996
We, um...

199
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,098
we broke up because of you.

200
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,640
Oh, my God,
this is amazing!

201
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,109
I ruined my pants, but
it's totally worth it!

202
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,011
Best meatballs ever!

203
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,079
Mmm!
I'm gonna ask

204
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:26,980
a serious question
right now.

205
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,617
Can a person live
in a strip club?

206
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,284
Yes.

207
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,486
For the next few years,

208
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,254
your strip club
will be like home.

209
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,456
Then, one day,
you'll date a stripper

210
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,159
and almost marry her,
and after that,

211
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,361
you'll realize
you're done with strip clubs.

212
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:44,632
In the sense that you'll dial it
back to, like, once a week.

213
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,867
I feel like I can
talk to women now.
Yeah.

214
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,468
You just stick
a dollar bill in your mouth,

215
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,137
and the conversation
starts itself.

216
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,005
You know, I think we're ready
to go back to that party

217
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:53,140
and meet some ladies.

218
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,942
(laughs)
Yeah!

219
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,309
Yeah!
Yeah!

220
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:59,713
You! Are!
Not! Ready!

221
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,615
Your training is complete

222
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:05,185
when I say
your training is complete!

223
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,219
Come on, let's go.

224
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:11,024
You-you broke up with Victoria

225
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,192
because of me?

226
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:15,362
She didn't want us
to be friends anymore,

227
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:16,964
so I had to let her go.

228
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,999
Ted...

229
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,371
I just...

230
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,306
Wow, I...

231
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,041
And-and you haven't
talked to her since?

232
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,010
Haven't talked to her since.

233
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,579
NARRATOR:
Also a lie.

234
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,146
Unbelievable.

235
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,982
And I assume this is
all in the hopes

236
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,383
that Robin'll ditch
her own wedding

237
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:37,585
and run off with you?

238
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,319
What? No.

239
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,353
I would never.

240
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,388
You would never
run off with a girl

241
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,389
on the day of her wedding?

242
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,757
Ri...

243
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,025
Okay, that's a fair point.

244
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,093
I'm not done.

245
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,728
...ight.

246
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,062
So, do you have it?

247
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,902
I'm looking at it right now.

248
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,003
What?
Oh, uh... stay there.

249
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,004
I'm-I'm on my way.

250
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,171
I'm in Germany.

251
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,206
Danke schon!

252
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,009
I see.

253
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,677
Look, if it means
that much to you,

254
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,112
as soon as I'm done
here at the bakery,

255
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,113
I'll overnight it.

256
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,615
It'll be there in 24 hours.

257
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,616
(exhales)

258
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,017
Thank you.

259
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,085
So this bakery,
what kind of, uh...

260
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,120
You want me to send you

261
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,287
some chocolate truffle
streuselkuchen?

262
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,256
Yes, please,
you're the best, thank you.

263
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,291
NARRATOR:
But then, 24 hours later...

264
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,593
disaster.

265
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,061
MAN:
I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby.

266
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,731
It says here your package
was delivered earlier today.

267
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,098
Your wife signed for it.

268
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,266
My... what?

269
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,400
I... I don't have a wife.

270
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:30,103
So, then, who's Jeanette Mosby?

271
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,105
Oh, you're kidding me.

272
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,244
Oh, my gosh,
2013 me!

273
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,812
So many questions!

274
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,148
How many MySpace friends
do I have now?

275
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,383
Has James Blunt
put out

276
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,152
the steady stream
of number one hits

277
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,586
we all expect from him?

278
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,056
And why are we in
this hotel room?

279
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,590
We're here for Barney's wedding.

280
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,059
Barney's wedding?

281
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,060
Oh, God.

282
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,728
What desperate ho-bag

283
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,930
is handcuffing herself
to that time bomb?

284
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,999
My dad did a real
number on me.

285
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,468
Okay, uh... Ghost Lily,
seven-years-ago Ghost Lily,

286
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,670
can we get on with this

287
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,104
so I can win the argument

288
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,472
and we can move on to my
regularly scheduled fantasy

289
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:06,907
of you two making out
with each other?

290
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,141
Sure.
Just so
you know,

291
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,677
I really like it when...

292
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,144
I know.
I'm you.

293
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,580
And I don't like
that anymore.

294
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,481
MARSHALL:
Okay, yes,

295
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,949
seven-years-ago Lily,

296
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,118
maybe I am wrong
for still being mad at you

297
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:21,621
about San Francisco
and our breakup.

298
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:24,157
But the truth is,
when you left me,

299
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,259
that was the saddest
I've ever been in my life.

300
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,360
Really?

301
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,162
The saddest you've
ever been in your life?

302
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:30,163
Saddest I've ever been
in my life.

303
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,599
I mean, I am
sitting right here.

304
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,769
Look, Dad, yes, obviously,
losing you was way worse,

305
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,872
but I'm trying to make
a bigger point here.

306
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,040
And what point is that?

307
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:43,376
Because she hurt you once,
you now get to hurt her?

308
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,178
It's not how it works
in a marriage.

309
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:45,979
ALL:
Ooh...

310
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:48,682
You're totally gonna lose.

311
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,020
I can't believe
you're open at this hour.

312
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,621
I'm always open
for my friends.

313
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,789
What are we doing here?

314
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,024
We should go back
to the party.

315
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,492
In relaxed-fit domestic denim?

316
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,294
I'm sorry,
is this a costume party,

317
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,063
and you're going as 1994?

318
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,165
Would you be a peach
and bump this, please?

319
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,035
Who cares
about any of this?

320
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,069
They're just clothes.

321
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,872
Just clothes? Ted--

322
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,074
sorry, force of habit--

323
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,743
boys, suits are cool.

324
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,977
Exhibit A.

325
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,578
I don't care
how well-dressed I am.

326
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,347
The real challenge is walking
up to a girl

327
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,749
that I've never met before

328
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:25,352
and somehow talking to her
with words from my mouth.

329
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,054
I've looked at it
from every possible angle.

330
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,756
There's just no way to do it.

331
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,891
(both chuckle)

332
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,163
What's your name?

333
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,197
Justin.

334
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,266
Have you met Justin?

335
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:42,002
Uh, no. Hi, I'm Julie.

336
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,171
So simple, so elegant.

337
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,538
Hmm.
That's it?

338
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,374
You just walk up to someone
you don't know

339
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:48,776
and introduce them
to your buddy?

340
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,110
I don't know.
That sounds kind of...

341
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,378
Have you met Kyle?

342
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,712
Hi, Kyle.

343
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,447
Are you Jesus?!

344
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,951
I would have understood,

345
00:11:57,985 --> 00:11:59,419
you know?

346
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:00,888
I mean, if you told me

347
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,056
that we couldn't be friends
anymore,

348
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,357
I-I wouldn't have liked it,

349
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,059
but I, God,
I would have understood.

350
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,594
I could never do that.

351
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,595
Why not?

352
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,966
Ted, okay, I insist
that you tell me why not.

353
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,034
No way.

354
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,970
Answer the question.
It's... it's for the bride.

355
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,105
I'm not gonna answer
the question,

356
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:21,241
because you know the answer.

357
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,077
You want to talk
about my top five?

358
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:25,578
There's no top five, Robin!

359
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:28,048
There's just a top one,
and it's you.

360
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:31,551
And the only reason I'm saying
any of this is 'cause

361
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,387
I know that it's not gonna
change anything.

362
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,456
You and Barney are getting
married today.

363
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,259
If I have to hold the shotgun
myself, it's happening.

364
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,095
I thought you don't like guns.

365
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,396
I'm the best man.

366
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,166
I swore on the Bro Code.

367
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:48,969
I don't want to go to Bro Hell.

368
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,403
Bro Hell sounds bad.

369
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,806
I'm sure Barney's got
a whole thing about Bro Hell.

370
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:58,278
But what about when we
get back from our honeymoon?

371
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,081
What about our first night out
at the bar?

372
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,015
But what then?

373
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,117
I mean, is it gonna be weird?

374
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,853
No.

375
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,687
How can you be so sure?

376
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,123
Because I'm not gonna be there.

377
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,959
I'm moving to Chicago.

378
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,267
You're moving
to Chicago?
That's right.

379
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,768
I'm gonna work
for Hammond Druthers.

380
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,170
The penis-building guy?

381
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:24,972
They're not all penis buildings.

382
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,940
They just designed
this clamshell amphitheater

383
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,141
for the St. Louis Symphony.

384
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:32,179
That one, it doesn't look
like a penis, anyway.

385
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,882
I can't believe
you're leaving New York.

386
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,051
Wait, is this be--
is this because of me?

387
00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,387
No, it's not because of you.

388
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,923
Well, maybe at first
it was, but...

389
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,160
(sighs)

390
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,929
(grunts)

391
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,971
It's been a really long week.

392
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:02,542
Some stuff has happened and...

393
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:06,213
it's just made me feel like
it's, it's time to move on.

394
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,017
Yes, good things happened
to me in New York,

395
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:13,653
but bad things happened, too.

396
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,357
Like your top five
worst relationships?

397
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:21,428
Okay, come on. Let me hear it.

398
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,430
Number five, Blah Blah.
Mm-hmm.

399
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:26,399
Number four,
boats, boats, boats.

400
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,168
Number three, Karen.
Mm.

401
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:32,272
Number two, uh, Zoey.
She made both lists.

402
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,842
Number one, by a landslide,
Jeanette.

403
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,011
Jeanette, of course.
By the way,

404
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,112
have you talked
to Jeanette lately?

405
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,948
I haven't talked to her.
NARRATOR:
Liar.

406
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:44,117
So I was at your apartment
stealing your mail,

407
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,387
and apparently there's
some chick named Victoria

408
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,056
sending you jewelry

409
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,090
from Germany?

410
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:53,026
Somebody owes somebody
an explanation.

411
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,095
Jeanette, that locket
is a wedding gift for Robin.

412
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,797
Robin?! Oh, God, this again?

413
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,033
That I'm giving
to her as a friend

414
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,102
because I'm kind
of the wedding gift master!

415
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,770
Now bring it back
to me right now!

416
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,805
Fine. Meet me
at the Bow Bridge

417
00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:07,574
in Central Park in one hour.

418
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,043
And by the way,
I want Kenny back.

419
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,044
Who's Kenny?!

420
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:12,479
My pet tarantula.

421
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:13,947
(gasps)

422
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,083
By the way, I love your hair.

423
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,550
I love your hair!

424
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,818
Imaginary women, right?

425
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:22,956
I need everyone
to just be quiet, please.

426
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:28,061
Look, I know that I could
have handled all of this better.

427
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:31,131
But setting aside the fact
that all of our friends are here

428
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,632
and that we don't speak Italian,

429
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,235
if we stay in New York, we both
get to follow our dreams.

430
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,603
Are we really gonna go someplace

431
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,471
where only one of us gets
to do that?

432
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,073
Of course not.
Well, then how can you...?

433
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,774
Wait-- what?

434
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,510
We're not moving to Italy.

435
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,113
We have a baby.
It makes sense to stay here.

436
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,180
Even I know that.

437
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:48,915
You do?

438
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,351
So... I win?

439
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:55,188
Well, then, ho, hey, ho.

440
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:59,292
In your ethereal face,
Ghost Lily.

441
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:02,695
Oh, yeah, the Convincer
right here!

442
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:03,963
She thought I was gonna lose.

443
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:05,332
You a gonna lose.

444
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:09,136
You're gonna lose this.

445
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:10,537
If you keep lying to me,

446
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,705
if you keep cutting me out
of decisions,

447
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:16,309
if you keep using words
like "winning" and "losing"

448
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:17,977
when you talk
about our marriage.

449
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:21,148
It's not like it'll happen
all at once,

450
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,816
but if you keep acting
this way,

451
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:27,020
little by little,

452
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,155
you're gonna lose me.

453
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,990
Is that what you want?

454
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:33,060
No, of course not.

455
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:36,963
You're not my enemy.
You're my wife.

456
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,031
(à la Borat):
My wife!

457
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,132
(normal voice):
Right?

458
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,034
No. Sorr... sorry.

459
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,604
We should
probably head back.

460
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,408
Do you want to watch
the sun come up?

461
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,313
Sure.

462
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,582
JEANETTE:
Thanks for meeting me here.

463
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:58,151
I'm heading over to the East
Side to stuff a dead squirrel

464
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:00,153
into a different
ex-boyfriend's mailbox,

465
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:02,021
so, you know, this made sense.

466
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,490
Of course.

467
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,392
So, can I have the locket?

468
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,327
No.

469
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,062
What? Jeanette...

470
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,264
Ted, listen to me.
You're being crazy.

471
00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:12,665
I'm being crazy?!

472
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,668
Yes! How long have you been
hung up on Robin?

473
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,270
Eight years?!

474
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,738
And you're still
killing yourself

475
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,074
to fetch dumb little trinkets
for her. That's crazy!

476
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,009
That's more than crazy.

477
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,844
I don't think there's a word
for what that is!

478
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,147
Actually, there is a word
for that. It's "love."

479
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,283
I'm in love with her, okay?

480
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:32,885
If you're looking for the word
that means caring about someone

481
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,255
beyond all rationality
and wanting them to have

482
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,956
everything they want,
no matter how much

483
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,158
it destroys you, it's love!

484
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,728
And when you love someone,
you just, you...

485
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,230
you don't stop, ever.

486
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,965
Even when people roll their
eyes or call you crazy.

487
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,967
Even then. Especially then!

488
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,737
You just-- you don't give up!
Because if I could give up...

489
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:53,806
if I could just, you know,
take the whole world's advice

490
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,976
and-and move on and find someone
else, that wouldn't be love.

491
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,445
That would be...

492
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,713
that would be some other
disposable thing

493
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,450
that is not worth fighting for.

494
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:09,422
But I--
that is not what this is.

495
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:13,293
So, please, can I have
the locket?

496
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:19,266
Cuckoo.

497
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:31,178
I think we should
get back together.

498
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:39,152
ROBIN:
And... new day.

499
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:42,355
Yep, new day.

500
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,159
* Close your eyes...

501
00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:49,962
Okay, you need to get
at least a little sleep.

502
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:53,099
* Do you feel
my heart beating? *

503
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,935
* Do you understand?

504
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,171
* Do you feel the same?

505
00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,173
BARNEY (slurring):
A few final thoughts.

506
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,642
Don't get married
until you're 30.

507
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:05,111
Play laser tag once a week.

508
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:09,182
Give at least as many high fives
as you get.

509
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,184
Teacup pigs are lady magnets,

510
00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:14,387
but very hard to care for.
Not worth the effort.

511
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:19,192
The same goes for dogs
and babies.

512
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,961
And most importantly,

513
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,798
whatever you do in this life,

514
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,867
it's not legendary

515
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,869
unless your friends are there
to see it.

516
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,407
Good luck, boys.

517
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:37,210
Take care of
the game for me.

518
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,546
We will.

519
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,983
Did you ever get
his name?

520
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,853
No. What'd he give you?

521
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:47,887
I don't know,

522
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,657
but I think it's important.

523
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:55,995
* I don't want to lose
this feeling *

524
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,864
Lil-Lily...

525
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,700
I love you. And I'm so sorry.

526
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,201
It doesn't matter
where we live.

527
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,202
I just want us
to be...

528
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:04,737
We're staying in New York.

529
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,038
What? No.

530
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,840
Yes.

531
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,677
It just makes sense.

532
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,980
I've missed you so much.

533
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,951
* Am I only dreaming?

534
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:21,254
I have to let go now.

535
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:24,223
* Is this burning
I know you do.

536
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:27,360
* An eternal flame?

537
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:33,032
* Close your eyes,
give me your hand, darling *

538
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,469
* Do you feel
my heart beating? *

539
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:39,038
* Do you understand?

540
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,108
* Do you feel the same?

541
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:46,679
* Am I only dreaming?

542
00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:57,123
When we went out
on our first date,

543
00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:58,425
at the end
of the night,

544
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,093
did you want me
to kiss you?

545
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:06,165
Yeah, I did.
Damn it!

546
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,200
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