1 00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:03,571 THE MOTHER: Okay, it's over. 2 00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:05,039 TED: Starting the clock now. 3 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,140 (exhales) 4 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:07,241 (exhales) 5 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:09,377 Labor sucks, huh? Yeah. 6 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:10,811 That fun-sounding name? 7 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,513 It's totally misleading. 8 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:13,547 (chuckles) 9 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,648 Better have this baby soon. 10 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,517 You know my mom's rule: 11 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,686 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 12 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,020 I don't buy it. 13 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,256 Just like I don't buy what her son told me: 14 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,924 "Let's go away for one last weekend 15 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,259 "before the baby comes. 16 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:26,860 We'll be fine!" 17 00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:28,829 Well, I hate to point fingers, 18 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,931 but you should never listen to me. 19 00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,066 You know that. 20 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,534 That's my bad. 21 00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:36,570 Oh! 22 00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:38,038 Here comes another one. Already? 23 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,440 Yeah, yep, yep. Okay, okay, okay. 24 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,008 We should get you to the hospital. Come on. 25 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,376 THE MOTHER: Okay. 26 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,478 TED: Oh, here we go. 27 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,919 You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me, can you? 28 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,688 Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal. 29 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:55,923 Your face looks like a photo negative 30 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,291 of the Hamburger Helper box. 31 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,859 A palm reader could tell Marshall's future 32 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,728 by studying your face. 33 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:03,097 The phrase "talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening" 34 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,232 doesn't work for you 35 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,134 because the hand is on your face. 36 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,902 A simple "yes" would've sufficed. 37 00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:10,971 LILY: Oh, baby, 38 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,606 I missed you so much. 39 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,208 I am so angry! 40 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,944 I am gonna tear you apart tonight. 41 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:18,212 I am gonna tear you 42 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,613 apart tonight! Okay, okay. 43 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,282 Look, we said that we wouldn't fight 44 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:23,984 until the gang was all done hanging out, remember? 45 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,220 NARRATOR: Ever since Lily heard that Marshall 46 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,921 had accepted an offer to be a judge, 47 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,324 thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy, 48 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:32,226 they both knew a big fight was coming. 49 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,462 But when they finally saw each other... 50 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,297 Pause? 51 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,065 Pause. 52 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,100 NARRATOR: See, Lily and Marshall had a long tradition 53 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,136 of hitting "pause" on their arguments. 54 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:44,071 Sometimes they paused because 55 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,140 they suddenly had other things to do. 56 00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:48,309 We have to stick to our budget! Okay? 57 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,278 You cannot be out there buying all these 58 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:53,814 Brazilian bikini waxes and Kama Sutra body oils 59 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,516 and edible... Pause. 60 00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:58,919 NARRATOR: Sometimes, they paused to keep their fights 61 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,454 from subtly changing subjects. 62 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:01,922 Baby, I cannot put up with 63 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,124 your shoes being all over the house! 64 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,194 Why not? I put up with your terrible mother. 65 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,161 (gasps) 66 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,662 Pause! Pause. 67 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,198 NARRATOR: And now that they were paused, 68 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,132 Marshall realized he would do anything 69 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,302 to stay paused for as long as he could. 70 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,003 Okay, time to go to bed. 71 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:17,271 Big day tomorrow. 72 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,372 Big day tomorrow! Big day tomorrow! 73 00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:19,207 MARSHALL: Screw tomorrow! 74 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,441 We go big tonight, huh? 75 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,211 We go big tonight! We go big tonight! 76 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,812 (laughing) MARSHALL: I mean, uh... 77 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,046 come on, you know, uh, 78 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,316 what time is it, anyway? 79 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,900 Hey, where's the baby? 80 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,238 The elevator! The elevator! 81 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,539 (laughs) 82 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,006 Ah, that joke just never gets old. 83 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,309 And it's not at all inspired by real-life events. 84 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:57,144 No, it is not. Mm-mm. 85 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,313 Anyway, the sitter has Marvin for the night. 86 00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,414 Ooh! 87 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,583 And now... the best thing 88 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,318 to come out of my cross-country trip: 89 00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,153 a little segment I like to call 90 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,890 "Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked Up From Ted's Childhood Home." 91 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,158 (Robin giggles) 92 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,260 (Barney laughs) 93 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:15,596 "Totally Awesome Ted." 94 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,565 What, did you steal this off some other kid named Ted? 95 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:18,999 I'm just getting warmed up here. 96 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,334 (laughing): This is fun. 97 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,236 We're all... you know, it's... 98 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,871 I'm having fun. (Marshall chuckles) 99 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,240 When you squeeze this toy, a recording of Ted says, 100 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,442 "I wuv you, Mommy!" 101 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,710 Oh, but that's sweet! 102 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,545 Why would we make fun of him for that? 103 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,281 He gave it to her when he was 19. 104 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,782 TED (recorded): I wuv you, Mommy. 105 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,117 (laughing) 106 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:40,354 And lastly, a photo of young Ted 107 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:43,291 and his best friend dressed up like cowboys. 108 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,292 No, oh, all right. 109 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,626 Leave him alone. 110 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,127 His best friend was a balloon. 111 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,262 ROBIN: I want to see that picture 112 00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:49,263 more than I want to get married! 113 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,799 (laughing) 114 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,066 I hate you so much. 115 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,937 (deep voice): Oo yah maya stupa koon! 116 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,972 Ho ho ho ho! 117 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,641 NARRATOR: Over the years, we'd seen 118 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,810 all sorts of levels of Barney's drunkenness. 119 00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,244 How you doin'? 120 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,546 NARRATOR: "Richard Dawson drunk..." 121 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,247 Ah, is this your sister? 122 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,217 NARRATOR: "Big plans with strangers drunk..." 123 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,218 Hey! 124 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,786 Me and the Road Dawgs 125 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,489 going splitsies on a time-share in Flint, Michigan! 126 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,491 And... 127 00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:19,627 non-refundably booked! 128 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,296 Come on! I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds! 129 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,731 Road Dawgs! 130 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,666 NARRATOR: And "Marcel Marceau drunk..." 131 00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,837 But we knew the night was over whenever Barney got... 132 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:30,838 "Jabba drunk." 133 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,006 So drunk that his speech 134 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,808 bore an uncanny resemblance to that of... 135 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:38,011 Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi. 136 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:39,179 Bo shuda! 137 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,247 Ha ha ha! 138 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,182 Okay, we have to go to bed. 139 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,451 Big day tomorrow. 140 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,585 Big day tomorrow! Noon-eeg Han Solo! 141 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:45,586 MARSHALL: Screw tomorrow! 142 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,254 Let's go big tonight! 143 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,189 We go big tonight! Ah wotto potto tapa ho! 144 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,525 No, Marshall, let's go now. 145 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,594 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 146 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,329 Look, I-I guess we have to do this. 147 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,198 Okay, first off, I know how important Italy was to you... 148 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,200 Shut up and do me! 149 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,372 Okay, we have to go to bed. 150 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,506 Yeah. 151 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,476 Yeah. I need to get 152 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,511 my ear hair trimmed in the morning. 153 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,513 It's like a rain forest in there. 154 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:15,215 Uh, why would you volunteer that information? 155 00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,650 Because it's the truth. 156 00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:20,220 Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal. 157 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:24,057 Uh, Barney... who's taller: me or you? 158 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,360 You're taller. I wear lifts in all my shoes. 159 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,728 Oh, my God, Robin... 160 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,030 Barney has reached a whole new level. 161 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,199 He's "truth serum drunk." 162 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,801 He can't lie. 163 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,536 So we can finally get the answers 164 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,237 we've always been wondering about. 165 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,639 Look, I know you said you had to go to bed, 166 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,673 but I really think... 167 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,141 Screw tomorrow! 168 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,309 We go big tonight. 169 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,911 Yeah. 170 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,313 Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. 171 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,248 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 172 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,216 We're not unpaused? 173 00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:50,317 Not yet. 174 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,585 Mama needs some Papa. 175 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,053 But as soon as we're done having sex, 176 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,054 we are having that fight! 177 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,856 Wait, so we're... 178 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,025 not gonna fight 179 00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,061 until after we're done having sex. 180 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,263 Challenge accepted. 181 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:09,737 Um, so... just, just to be clear, 182 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,271 after we finish having sex, 183 00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:12,906 that's when we'll have our fight? 184 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:13,941 That's right. 185 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:16,109 Excuse me. 186 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,384 Okay, Marshall. 187 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,719 It's go time. 188 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,755 You've had great nights of sex before, 189 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,389 most of them with Lily, 190 00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,024 a few by yourself-- 191 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,793 and we'll always have that 192 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:35,128 Unscrambled Spice Channel Glitch of '93-- 193 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,865 but this has got to be the performance of a lifetime. 194 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,700 Jimi Hendrix at Monterey. 195 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,869 James Brown at the Apollo. 196 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,037 Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere. 197 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,873 So get out there 198 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:49,276 and bang your wife for as long as you possibly can! 199 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,648 Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath. 200 00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,987 So... Barney will answer 201 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,990 any question we ask him with the truth? 202 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,324 I think so. 203 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,393 Honey... 204 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,930 when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, 205 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:12,099 did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes 206 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,133 at the same time? 207 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,668 No. 208 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,770 I got all choked up thinking about how 209 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,940 everything he does, he does it for her. 210 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,408 Checks out. 211 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,510 Okay, what next? 212 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,777 I mean, it's... 213 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,145 it's so hard to know where to begin. 214 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,179 I mean, there are so many... 215 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,681 What did you do to my mom?! 216 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,283 BARNEY: Well, that night, 217 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,019 we were in my car... 218 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,453 I was wrong! I can't handle this! 219 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,455 Uh, just tell me in baseball terms. 220 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,691 I got thrown out trying to stretch 221 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,026 a single into a double. 222 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,193 (gasps) 223 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,897 I can live with that. 224 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,200 How about that time you walked into the bar 225 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,136 wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"? 226 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:53,507 Well, hello, you two lovely ladies. 227 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:54,775 What are you wearing? 228 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,309 Oh, hey, Robin, didn't see you there. 229 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:59,012 Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles, no big deal. Oh... 230 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,214 There is no way those things work. 231 00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,983 I'm not even here. 232 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,852 Just act natural. 233 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,523 Right. 234 00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,825 'Cause that jacket's made of lead. 235 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,161 Those things didn't work, did they? 236 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,797 Absolutely. Lily's boobs always work for me. 237 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,365 Oh, the goggles? No. 238 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,801 Next question. 239 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:24,004 You keep saying "ring bear" 240 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,574 instead of ring bear-er. 241 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,877 Will there or will there not 242 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,912 be a bear at our wedding? 243 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,481 The truth is... 244 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,216 aggle flaggle klabble. 245 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,985 Wumby flappy snurp... 246 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,687 Oh, my God, he's dipped back down to Jabba drunk! 247 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,754 Give him another drink! 248 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,590 Come on. 249 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,725 Oh, yeah, baby. 250 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,594 I could go all night. 251 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,029 I can't hold out much longer! 252 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,398 What are the least arousing things I can think of? 253 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:54,835 * Day-old roadkill 254 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,237 * Ah, yeah... 255 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,772 * Fingernail 256 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:03,376 * Fingernail clippings 257 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,913 * That is some dull stuff 258 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:10,417 * How your TMJ night guard smells in the morning * 259 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,720 * Nasty 260 00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,755 * Bugs... 261 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:17,224 * Mmm 262 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,627 * More bugs 263 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,261 MARSHALL: It's working! It's working! 264 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,064 Uh-oh, it's working too well. 265 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,400 Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! 266 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:30,771 * Bugs with boobs... 267 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,239 LILY: Marshall, are you all right? 268 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,607 You don't seem to be, um... 269 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:36,644 Please, uh, excuse Medium-Sized Fudge. 270 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,413 6 and 3/64 inches. 271 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:41,782 Yeah, he's back to telling the truth. 272 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,216 Okay, Barney, 273 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,785 how are you always able to do that magic trick 274 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,419 where you make doves appear? 275 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:49,657 Special dehydrated birds I get in Chinatown. 276 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,061 I knew it! 277 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,296 (sighs) Okay. Okay. 278 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,666 Will there or will there not 279 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,134 be a bear at our wedding? 280 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,636 The truth is... 281 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,972 Barney... Oh, come on! 282 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,339 I know that you always say 283 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:07,808 that you don't need any kind of 284 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,177 "help" in bed, but if you, um... 285 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,912 I always keep these on hand. 286 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,413 But be careful. 287 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,749 When you go off, there's a kickback like a cannon. 288 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,617 Thank you. 289 00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,655 How much a year do you spend on suits? 290 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:24,457 NARRATOR: Kids, I won't bother you with the number, 291 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,459 but it was a crapload. 292 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,328 Around one crapload. 293 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,830 That much? 294 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,198 Well... aren't you concerned about your future? 295 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,666 Nope. 296 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,301 Especially since Robin is massively wealthy. 297 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,703 Barney! What? 298 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:36,937 You're rich? 299 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,105 L-Like how rich? 300 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,306 It's my family's money, not mine. 301 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:40,373 I-I don't really know how much. 302 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,775 How much is her family worth? 303 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,343 6,000 craploads. 304 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,678 Canadian craploads. 305 00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:46,046 That much?! 306 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,014 But when we dated, 307 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,315 I paid for everything. 308 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,017 You didn't pay for everything. 309 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,284 He paid for everything. 310 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,853 I pick up our bar tab all the time. 311 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,487 Three times in the last nine years. 312 00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:56,690 I took you out to tons of four-star restaurants. 313 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,125 Two-star restaurants. 314 00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,559 Figuring, on average, two meals out a week 315 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,028 plus 20% tip... 316 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,395 12 and a half percent tip. 317 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,564 Do you know how much money you cost me? 318 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:05,899 What am I? A prostitute? 319 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,367 You are not a prostitute. 320 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,502 No, a prostitute would've been cheaper. 321 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,471 Depends on the prostitute. 322 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,573 Wait, hold on, Ted. What are we doing? 323 00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,375 You're arguing about Robin's wealth 324 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,510 when you really should be asking me embarrassing questions. 325 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,046 He's right. 326 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,213 Let's do this. 327 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,514 NARRATOR: And so we did it. 328 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,150 We asked Barney all the questions 329 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,151 we'd always wanted to. 330 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,854 In one night? Four. 331 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,489 In one family? Three. 332 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,893 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 333 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:36,496 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 334 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,898 Just once. 335 00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,901 With a French male model Henri. 336 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,269 It was late. 337 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,104 We were the last two people in the club. 338 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,573 I was lonely and I figured, why not try it? 339 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,577 That was the only time I ever split a cab. 340 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:53,413 Yes, but not the M.I.T. you're thinking of. 341 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,249 The Magician's Institute of Teaneck. 342 00:11:56,283 --> 00:12:00,053 I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times. 343 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,556 I asked if you wear shoulder pads. 344 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,093 I think I've just got one question left. 345 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,727 And it's a biggie. 346 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,764 Barney Stinson... 347 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:13,066 what do you do for a living? 348 00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:16,970 You did it. 349 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:19,773 You banged your wife to sleep. 350 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,975 Nice job... 351 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,313 ...Still-Big Fudge. 352 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:31,118 TED: I wuv you, Mommy. 353 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,285 Unpause. 354 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,593 NARRATOR: Kids, in all the time we knew Barney, 355 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,996 there was one question he would always answer the same way. 356 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,764 Seriously, what is it that you do? 357 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,166 (chuckles) Please. 358 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,167 Okay, seriously. 359 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,802 What do you do for a living? 360 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,503 (chuckles) Please. 361 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,639 Are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is? 362 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,407 (chuckles) Please. 363 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,110 So, naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us. 364 00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:01,114 Well, what do you do for a living? 365 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,419 Please. 366 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,687 (groans) God, he's not telling us. 367 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,688 More booze. 368 00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:11,158 Not so fast, princess. 369 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,960 I guess subtle clues and the bar tab 370 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,995 are two things you just don't pick up. 371 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,129 Because... 372 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,598 I think he is telling us. 373 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,868 Tell us more about this job. 374 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,103 BARNEY: Well, as you know, 375 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,704 back in my hippie days, 376 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,639 a businessman came into my coffee shop, 377 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,475 told me money was all that mattered, 378 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,010 and stole my girlfriend. 379 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:33,513 That's when I decided to become awesome. 380 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:37,050 But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. 381 00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:38,518 So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, 382 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,287 I went to the one person from whom 383 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,722 I knew I could learn everything. 384 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,324 Do we know each other, bro? 385 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,827 We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... 386 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,863 (clears throat) No. 387 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,231 We don't. 388 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,066 Bro. 389 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:55,702 Wow, you went to M.I.T. 390 00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:57,070 Pretty impressive. 391 00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,739 I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. 392 00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:02,742 Advanced Card Tricks. 393 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:03,977 Well, look, buddy. 394 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,545 You got a sweet résumé. 395 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,514 But we don't have any openings you're qualified for. 396 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,250 They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap! 397 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,854 We have one opening you'd be perfect for. 398 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,924 Great. What do I do? 399 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,992 Please. 400 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,194 "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." 401 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,662 Just show up every day, 402 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,331 scribble your name on a bunch of documents, 403 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,399 and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. 404 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:28,835 Deets are in the contract. 405 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:29,937 I'll give you time to think about it. 406 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,839 I'll take it. 407 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,174 Hold on. 408 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,775 Did you even read this before signing it? 409 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:36,709 No. 410 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,111 (laughs) You're hired. 411 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:41,681 We'll work on that. 412 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:42,950 TED: Wait. 413 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,384 That's your job? 414 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,253 You sign sketchy, legally binding documents 415 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,421 that could implicate you for God knows what? 416 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,590 Best job ever, right? 417 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,793 No more pausing. 418 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,562 We're getting through this argument. 419 00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:57,430 Okay. 420 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,432 No potshots at my mom. 421 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,201 Fine, no distracting me with your calves. 422 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,403 Fine. 423 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,476 I love you, Lilypad. 424 00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:11,111 I love you, Marshmallow. 425 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,046 (deep breath) Now... 426 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,714 (exhales) 427 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,951 ...how could you take that job without telling me?! 428 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:20,320 Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. 429 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:21,621 This is a huge opportunity, 430 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,156 it could be very good for our family, 431 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,125 and we have to at least talk about it. 432 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,827 Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it 433 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,963 when you didn't talk about it. 434 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,265 We're going to Italy. 435 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:33,933 But I could be a judge. 436 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,836 We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. 437 00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,005 Pause. 438 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,306 No pause. 439 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:41,241 That "hobby" is my dream. 440 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,942 We're going to Italy. 441 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,011 But it's my dream to... 442 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,312 We are going to Italy! 443 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,646 Baby, can you just...? 444 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,281 We are going to Italy! 445 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,516 Don't you get it? 446 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,651 You went behind my back. 447 00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,353 You hurt me. 448 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:57,324 You were more selfish than I have ever been to you. 449 00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:02,229 You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco. 450 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,165 Barney! You're being stupid. 451 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,667 The-the-the company is setting you up as their fall guy 452 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,270 for all of their illegal activities. 453 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,106 No, you guys are being stupid. 454 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,607 Especially Ted. 455 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,543 What? I didn't say anything. 456 00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:20,113 NARRATOR: And then, kids, Barney revealed to us his master plan. 457 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,615 It all went down a few months after the wedding. 458 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,484 Hey, Greg? 459 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:25,852 I know you're busy, 460 00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,887 but FYI, I've been colluding with the Feds. 461 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,189 They know everything. 462 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:30,690 And they're on their way up right now 463 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,359 to shut down this division and arrest you. 464 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,693 Door closed or...? 465 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,028 What? 466 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,363 Why would you do that? 467 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:39,032 Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons... 468 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,800 could have applied, 469 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:44,237 but this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. 470 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:45,905 See? That day, I vowed 471 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,375 I would do everything in my power to track you down, 472 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:50,077 gain your trust, 473 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,812 and then destroy you. 474 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,081 Who are you? 475 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,148 Who am I? 476 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,516 Just a guy 477 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,351 who served you coffee once. 478 00:16:58,385 --> 00:16:59,686 Peace out, loser. 479 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,488 * Barney Stinson, Barney Stinson * 480 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,523 You son of a bitch! * That guy's awesome 481 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,925 I will destroy you! Get your hands off of me. * Awesome 482 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:09,062 * Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 483 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,331 * Awesome. 484 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,765 Why are you 485 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,401 bringing up San Francisco? 486 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,369 That was seven years ago. 487 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:20,673 Because you are being selfish all over again. 488 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:25,178 Marshall, I apologized over and over again. 489 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,947 Now you're saying you never have forgiven me? 490 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,349 There is 491 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,951 nothing more important to me than our family. 492 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,253 You know that. 493 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,787 Well, let me ask. 494 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,989 What if you had found success in San Francisco? 495 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,226 How do I know that you even 496 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,460 would've come back to me? 497 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,229 Stop it. 498 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,696 Are Marvin and I 499 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,299 and any other future children we may have 500 00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,935 just some consolation prize? 501 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,104 I have to get out of here. 502 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,374 Babe? 503 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,643 (door slams) 504 00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:57,910 So, Barney, 505 00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,379 I still haven't heard you pronounce 506 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,813 that last syllable. 507 00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:04,984 At our wedding, will there be 508 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,454 a ring bear-er? 509 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,988 (deep breath) 510 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,690 The truth is... 511 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,627 ...yes, there will be a ring bear-er. 512 00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,563 His name is Trevor Hudson, 513 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,731 I worked with his mother, and he's adorable. 514 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,568 I want our wedding to be perfect, Robin. 515 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,370 Me, too. 516 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,505 Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs. 517 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:26,773 He's okay to crash with you, right? 518 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,675 Yup, we'll see you in the morning. 519 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,310 Hmm. 520 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:31,511 I love you. 521 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,313 I love you, too. 522 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,986 Okay, I got one last question for you. 523 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,121 And I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. 524 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,824 Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. 525 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,927 How are you doing? Good. 526 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,497 I mean, I'm a little nervous, 527 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:54,267 but I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone, 528 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,936 and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. 529 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,438 For a long time, 530 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,607 deep down, 531 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,809 I've felt sort of... 532 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,110 broken? 533 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,512 But... 534 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,014 I don't feel that way anymore. 535 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:10,283 Robin, along with the idea 536 00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:13,052 that vengeance will soon be mine, 537 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:16,889 has made me 100% awesome. 538 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,191 I'm proud of you, buddy. 539 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:21,194 Globan froban. 540 00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,229 Ho, ho, ho. 541 00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,230 Okay. 542 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,497 Come on, Jabba. 543 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:25,498 Big day tomorrow. 544 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,634 (grunts) Tab for the night? 545 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,369 Just so you know, 546 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:32,705 those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap. 547 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:33,740 Whoa. 548 00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,142 Um... you know what? 549 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,477 Charge them to the bride's room. 550 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,645 Thank you. 551 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,646 Come on. (muttering) 552 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,581 Let's go. We got you. 553 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,417 NARRATOR: Kids, it's your grandmother's favorite rule. 554 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,653 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 555 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,822 Hi. I-I know it's late, but I've got to get out of here. 556 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,892 Marshall and I just had a huge fight. 557 00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,161 You will? 558 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,930 Oh, my God, thank you. 559 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,913 TED: You good, yeah? THE MOTHER: Yeah. 560 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,349 Okay. 561 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:17,384 Okay. 562 00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,451 Everything is fine. 563 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:19,552 Okay? Just don't freak out. 564 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,553 I'm not freaking out. 565 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,588 I was talking to myself. 566 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,089 Do you have the baby? 567 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:24,691 The elevator! What?! 568 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,125 Marshall and Lily are right. It never gets old. 569 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,627 Unless you're crowning. 570 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,462 So proud of you. Thank you. 571 00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,130 Penny is so proud of you. 572 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,765 Let's go get you a brother. 573 00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,367 Okay? Hmm? 574 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,468 You want a brother? All right? 575 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,470 I love you. I love you, too. 576 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,438 You're gonna be great. 577 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,072 Yeah, okay. Okay. 578 00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,541 NARRATOR: Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 579 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,942 It's a good rule. 580 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,111 But every rule has an exception. 581 00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,780 And for us, that exception was you, Luke. 582 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,716 We're having a baby! 583 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,751 (yells) 584 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,325 (chain dragging) 585 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,092 Come on, Trevor Hudson. 586 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:03,229 It's feeding time. 587 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,164 (roaring) 588 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,534 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org