1 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:07,208 ("O Fortuna" playing) 2 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,907 ("O Fortuna" playing) 3 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,875 NARRATOR: Oh, sorry, kids. 4 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,245 I forgot to mention there's a bit of a backstory 5 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,046 to this particular slap. 6 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,248 Oh, man. 7 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,882 Oh. 8 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,085 At least it landed on the mustard stain. 9 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,754 Don't bother. That suit is a stain. 10 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,724 A stain on the very institution of suits. 11 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,259 You know what tie goes with that suit? 12 00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,394 The tie at the top of a Hefty bag. 13 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,629 A suit like that 14 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,031 only needs one button... self-destruct. 15 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,199 Hey, I bought him that suit. 16 00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:06,800 Where? Barfs Brothers? 17 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,437 Men's Outhouse? 18 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,605 Giorgio Arms... Are-Not-the-Same-Lengthy? 19 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,943 That suit is a slap in the face to all suits everywhere. 20 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:18,246 A slap in the face. 21 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:20,248 Uh, yes, Barney. 22 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,883 There's something I need to tell you about the next slap 23 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,218 that you're going to receive. 24 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,286 You see, 25 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,121 I want this slap to be 26 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:30,258 as painful as humanly possible. 27 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,126 BOTH: Sure. Sure. Okay, okay. 28 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,994 Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. 29 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:37,465 Yes, you won a slap bet with me seven years ago. 30 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,899 And, yes, over the years, 31 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,068 you got in some great slaps. 32 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,737 Some great slaps. 33 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,805 But here's the problem. 34 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,940 You've tormented me so much 35 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,576 that I am now immune to it. 36 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:49,677 Hmm. It's as if 37 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:52,613 my face, my psyche, my soul 38 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,848 were covered in that numbing cream 39 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:57,151 we all put on our deals so that we can go all night. 40 00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,319 Am I right, fellas? 41 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:03,023 Okay, we'll all just pretend like we've never done that. 42 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,427 Just like we've never sat on our left hand until it fell asleep 43 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,462 and then used it for an away gamer. 44 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,331 Okay. 45 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,365 We'll all pretend 46 00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:12,466 like we've never done that. 47 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,467 Just like we've all never taken 48 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,203 two live jumper cables... 49 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,637 Please stop. 50 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,306 Barney, I'm well-aware that you've developed 51 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,441 a resistance to all of my old tricks, 52 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,544 which is why I sought out special training. 53 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:26,814 Hi, hey, I'm sure you get this question all the time. 54 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,883 But is there a special class where I just learn slapping? 55 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,552 We teach kung fu here. 56 00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:33,387 Right, see, the thing is, I don't need 57 00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:34,888 to learn anything about kicking. 58 00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:35,656 You know? 59 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,425 Because, uh... 60 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:39,893 So, yeah. 61 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,962 I'm good there. 62 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,797 Um, what I really need to learn is slapping. 63 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,234 I need someone to teach me how to slap my friend 64 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,069 just like really hard right in his stupid face. 65 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,638 Can you teach me that? 66 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,541 Kung fu is an ancient and honorable martial art. 67 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:54,842 It must be learned with great devotion 68 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:57,545 and respect. 69 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,814 So, where are we on this whole slapping thing? 70 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,283 Yes, no, maybe...? Get out. 71 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:05,819 Psst. 72 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,655 I know what you seek. 73 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,889 You seek to learn 74 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,724 the Slap of a Thousand 75 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,593 Exploding Suns. 76 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,928 Yes, that's totally a thing I've heard of. 77 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,364 Can you teach me? 78 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,432 No, but I know who can. 79 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,368 Can you take me to this great master? 80 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:21,869 I have much gold. 81 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,239 It is not one great master you seek but three. 82 00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,540 They will teach you 83 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:30,043 the three mighty virtues of slapistry. 84 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,044 Speed. 85 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,614 Strength. 86 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:37,050 And accuracy. 87 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,287 Put these three virtues together, 88 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,955 and only then will you have mastered 89 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,124 the Slap of a Million 90 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:47,528 Exploding Suns. 91 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,363 I'm sorry to interrupt, but a second ago, 92 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:52,099 wasn't it the Slap of a Thousand Exploding Suns? 93 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,368 Pretty sure I said a million, guys? I heard a million. 94 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:55,703 He said a million. One million. 95 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,905 MARSHALL: So I went to Shanghai... 96 00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,072 You didn't go to Shanghai. 97 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,107 I went to Shanghai. 98 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:01,141 When did you go to Shanghai? 99 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,142 Last year I went to Shanghai. 100 00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:03,076 You didn't go to Shanghai. 101 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,412 He went to Shanghai. 102 00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:05,446 He didn't go to Shanghai. Totally went to Shanghai. 103 00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:06,380 You didn't go to Shanghai. 104 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,114 So I went to Shanghai. 105 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,852 In search of the first master. 106 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,690 Are you Red Bird? 107 00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:24,565 BARNEY: Okay, enough. 108 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,099 I know you're trying to freak me out. 109 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,768 But like I said, it's not working. 110 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,837 So I will give you much gold 111 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,672 to stop wasting my time. 112 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,774 Hold that thought, I just want to see if I can fix this. 113 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,309 (song skipping) 114 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,478 (groans) 115 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,150 (all gasp) 116 00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,852 ALL: The Slap of... 117 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,253 Ten Million Exploding Suns! 500 Exploding Suns! 118 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,488 Three Billion Exploding Stars! 119 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:51,058 Whoops. 120 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:58,131 (chuckles) 121 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,633 (sighs) 122 00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,669 (gasps) 123 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:04,372 Relax, I'm not gonna slap you right now. 124 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,939 (grunts) 125 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,276 When I slap you, it shall be beneath a willow tree 126 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:13,146 next to four women and a tiger. 127 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,148 A willow tree, four women and a tiger? 128 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,950 What are you talking about? 129 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,987 Who said anything about a willow tree, four women and a tiger? 130 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,355 Guys? Nobody. 131 00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,623 A tiger? You were totally silent just now. 132 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:25,025 But Marshall just said that! 133 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,293 What is going on? 134 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,796 How did you do that to the jukebox? 135 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,231 Wait, it's fake. 136 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,367 That's a prop jukebox, 137 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:35,536 designed just to mess with me. 138 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,938 Marshall, that jukebox cost eight grand. 139 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:41,208 I have much gold. 140 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,178 Huh, that is much. 141 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,214 You got lucky, Eriksen. 142 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,983 I don't like this! 143 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,852 I thought that nothing I said or did 144 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,220 could intimidate you anymore. 145 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,188 (stammers) That's right. 146 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,024 It can't. 147 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,226 (sniffs) (yells) 148 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,193 Itch. 149 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,161 Look. 150 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,663 If you're really nervous, 151 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,364 don't think of it as a slap. 152 00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,767 Think of it as a high five. Okay. 153 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,669 For your stupid face. (Barney crying) 154 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:09,870 So, anyway, I'm in the noodle house... 155 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,038 I'll admit. 156 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,540 I didn't expect Red Bird, 157 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:16,276 Master of Speed, to be a girl. 158 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,911 You sure you really know how to...? 159 00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:20,347 What is the sound of one hand slapping? 160 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,916 I'm sorry, I don't understa... 161 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,585 (slap) 162 00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,187 Wait, how did you...? 163 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,388 (slap) 164 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,058 Lucky shot, I wasn't ready... 165 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,259 (slap) 166 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,729 You know, that tip isn't a full 20%... 167 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,264 (two slaps) 168 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,400 Train me, Red Bird. 169 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,769 Teach me speed. 170 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,070 No. 171 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,772 I retired long ago. 172 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,607 Retired? You're like, 32. 173 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,442 I am 86 years old. 174 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,478 But slapping is now 175 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:51,945 a part of my past. 176 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:55,783 Darn, I really wanted to slap Barney Stinson. 177 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,417 This is to slap Barney Stinson? 178 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,252 Yeah, okay. 179 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,421 I'll totally teach you. 180 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,557 MARSHALL: And so began my training. 181 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,727 Slap this tree. 182 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,728 Slap the tree? 183 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,463 If you can. 184 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,767 I mean... 185 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,435 Seems pretty easy. 186 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,475 Ooh! 187 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,110 What the...? 188 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,446 Ooh! 189 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,016 The fabled Slapping Tree 190 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,118 of Gongqing Forest. 191 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,185 BARNEY: Beg your pardon. 192 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:34,021 The "Fabled Slapping Tree 193 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,090 of Gongqing Forest"? Sure. 194 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,926 Really? "Fabled." Mmm. 195 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,594 'Cause I've never heard of it. 196 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,629 I'm pretty sure everybody's heard of it. 197 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,130 Guys? Yup. 198 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,498 Totally, yeah. I backpacked there in college. 199 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:45,465 See? 200 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:46,867 Fabled. It even inspired 201 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,302 a popular Chinese children's book. 202 00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,039 It's a poignant parable 203 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:55,342 whose message, is if you love someone, set them free. 204 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,511 But not before first 205 00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,080 slapping them right in their stupid face. 206 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,683 As my training continued, 207 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:06,019 I also learned the delicate art of Chinese painting. 208 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,590 That looks nothing like this bowl of fruit! 209 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,126 MARSHALL: My training went on for a year. 210 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,728 A year? A year. 211 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,564 One year? None of us noticed 212 00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,366 you were stuck in Shanghai for a year? 213 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:21,068 I wasn't being held slaptive, 214 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,503 I chose to stay and complete my training. 215 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,706 I'm not even gonna... 216 00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:27,174 Just, whatever. 217 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,578 You have shown great slaptitude, young one. 218 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,146 You are ready for your final test. 219 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,348 Slap me. 220 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:36,483 What? 221 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,384 Slap me, now! 222 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,186 No, Red Bird, I can't. 223 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,554 Slap me-- that is not a request. 224 00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:41,421 I won't! 225 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:42,522 The Vikings will never 226 00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,124 win the Super Bo... (slap) 227 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,694 Wait, how did you...? (slap) 228 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:47,661 Lucky shot. 229 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,196 I wasn't re... (slap) 230 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,430 That's a big tip. 231 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,498 You must have much gold. 232 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,533 (two slaps) 233 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,036 You are ready for your final step. 234 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,605 Awesome! Oh, man! 235 00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,673 I can't wait to slap Barney Stinson 236 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,241 right across his stupid fa... 237 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,543 (slapping) 238 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,547 What? What did I say? 239 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:10,250 You must not slap anyone until your training is complete. 240 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,586 The consequences could be dire. 241 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,789 First, you must meet White Flower, 242 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:19,359 the second master, who will teach you strength. 243 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,961 She lives atop a mountain. 244 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,062 Which mountain? 245 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,132 No, not Witch Mountain. 246 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,200 Slap Mountain. 247 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:30,370 BARNEY: Hate to cut in again here, but... 248 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,640 Slap Mountain? That's right. 249 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,574 You're claiming there's a mountain in China 250 00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,144 in the exact shape of a hand? 251 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,145 Everyone knows that. 252 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,479 Right, guys? True. 253 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,048 Totally. I backpacked there in college. 254 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,617 It's the largest of the Slappalachian Mountains. 255 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:44,752 (groans) 256 00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:45,953 And at the top... 257 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,059 Excuse me? Uh, do you know 258 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,127 where I can find White Flower? 259 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,831 How dare you speak that name? 260 00:09:57,865 --> 00:10:01,301 That is the most feared name in 40 villages! 261 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,503 Really? "White Flower"? 262 00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,572 I'm sorry, it's just, it's not exactly Voldemort. 263 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,840 Bro! 264 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,508 Why don't you just say "Candyman" 265 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,910 three times and be done with it? 266 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,144 Geez! 267 00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,854 (fly buzzing) 268 00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,960 Awesome! 269 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:29,029 Can-can you teach me how to do that? 270 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,832 No, I retired from teaching long ago. 271 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,466 Retired? You're like, 32. 272 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,803 I am 106 years old. 273 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,637 What is in these noodles? 274 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,307 I'm sorry, but my slapping days are over. 275 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,375 Darn, I really wanted 276 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:45,813 this next Barney Stinson slap to be special. 277 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,447 This is to slap Barney Stinson? Mmm. 278 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,516 Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you. 279 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,021 The true power of any slap 280 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,056 comes from the anger behind it. 281 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:58,792 So for a truly devastating slap, 282 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:01,729 you must harvest the anger of many. 283 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,296 Every time 284 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,999 someone who hates Barney slaps you in the face, 285 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:09,669 the power of their anger goes from your face 286 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,171 into your hand. 287 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,543 MARSHALL: White Flower and I made love that night in the forest. 288 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,645 No, sorry. Flag on the play. 289 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,347 You banged White Flower? 290 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,183 I made love to White Flower. 291 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,318 And then I banged her. 292 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,219 In the forest? 293 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,221 In Gongqing Forest, yes. 294 00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:31,191 Actually right near the Slapping Tree. 295 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,194 Which may or may not have come into play. 296 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,395 Oh, my God, you had a tree-way? 297 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,699 And, Lily, you were okay with Marshall having an affair? 298 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,735 What happens in the magical Gongqing Forest 299 00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:43,937 stays in the magical Gongqing Forest. 300 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,873 Best wife ever. 301 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,208 Like I was saying, 302 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,910 you need to harvest the anger 303 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,745 of others into your own slap. 304 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:52,746 Now, dig deep. 305 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,282 Can you think of anyone, 306 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,716 anyone at all 307 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,152 who hates Barney Stinson? 308 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,755 (both laughing) 309 00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,458 I know, I know, I almost couldn't get through it 310 00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:06,760 with a straight face! 311 00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,929 There are just so many people 312 00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,564 who hate Barney's guts! 313 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,401 Moving on. 314 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,036 (sighs) 315 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,571 The point is, you need to go get slapped in the face 316 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:21,208 by a bunch of gullible chicks Barney banged. 317 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,443 I'm a friend of Barney Stinson. Ooh! 318 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,978 I'm a friend of Barney Stins... 319 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,380 I-I'm-I'm a friend of Barney Stinson. Aah! 320 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,415 Ooh! 321 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,449 I'm so sorry. 322 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:30,483 I thought you said you were 323 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,484 a friend of Barney Stinson. 324 00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,053 I did. Ooh! 325 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,121 Oh! 326 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,724 Ooh! Wow! 327 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,128 Could you... also... 328 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,730 slap me in the face? 329 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,266 God, you're just as perverted as Barney. 330 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,301 Ooh! 331 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,437 (groans) 332 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,639 And after a while... 333 00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:59,112 Look at this thing-- it's all hot and glowy! 334 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,614 I'll never have cold pizza again! 335 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,317 I'll never have cold pizza again. 336 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,152 Silence! 337 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,619 Sorry, White Flower. 338 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,255 I've just got a slappetite for destruction. 339 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,356 Thanks for everything! 340 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,623 I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson 341 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,025 right in his stupid face! 342 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,594 Wait, first you must go learn accuracy 343 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,930 from the one who is called The Calligrapher 344 00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:20,067 in the far-off, mystical land of... 345 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:23,636 Cleveland? Cleveland. 346 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:24,872 Why Cleveland? 347 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,173 It's the city equivalent 348 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,941 of being slapped in the face. 349 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,209 Bro. 350 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,512 Man, is this place a chain or something? 351 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:33,480 One for dinner? 352 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:37,484 No, I'm here to meet her. 353 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:40,420 Bro. 354 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,359 Can you teach me accuracy? 355 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:47,895 I can. 356 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,163 The proper question is: will I? 357 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:52,132 Grammar is the first step 358 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:55,068 on the thousand-mile journey to accuracy. 359 00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:58,972 I'm, uh, assuming there's no Mrs. The Calligrapher? 360 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,374 The path I've chosen is lonesome. 361 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:02,642 But it's no big deal. 362 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,644 I prefer being alone, I really do. 363 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,046 Unless you know any single ladies 364 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,547 you-you-you could set me up with. 365 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,617 Nope. Good, because I prefer being alone. 366 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,652 Also I'm sorry, 367 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:16,023 but I retired from teaching long ago. 368 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,557 Retired? You're like, 35. 369 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,027 (groans) I'm 34. 370 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,094 Oh, sorry. 371 00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,695 I use moisturizer every night. 372 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,198 I thought my skin still looked vibrant. 373 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:26,433 It does, it does. 374 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:27,901 Look, uh, I'm just... 375 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:30,270 I'm really just here to finish my training, 376 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,339 um, so, the, uh, look, the truth is, 377 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:35,408 I have a divorced cousin just outside of Akron. 378 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:38,411 Now, I wouldn't call Janice easy on the eyes-- 379 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,613 or the springs of a bathroom scale-- 380 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:43,050 but if you want, I could set you up. 381 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,052 Sold! Now, the most important lesson 382 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,287 in learning accuracy... (choking) 383 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,627 He was dying right before my eyes. 384 00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,564 So I did the only thing that I could think to do. 385 00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:00,467 (stammers) Please! 386 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:01,969 I slapped his back. 387 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,536 And that's when I found out why 388 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,605 "No slapping until your training is complete" 389 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,607 is the most important rule. 390 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,476 Because my slap... 391 00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,145 was too powerful. 392 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:14,581 I hadn't learned accuracy 393 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:17,317 and so I couldn't control it. 394 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,751 And, well... 395 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:31,298 No! 396 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:33,133 Stop it! Just stop! 397 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,469 You did not slap the heart out of a man's body! 398 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,405 If only that were true. 399 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,773 You're saying that you committed a murder? 400 00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,475 I was trying to save him! 401 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,777 Shh, baby, it's okay, you didn't mean to. 402 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,279 He doesn't sleep. 403 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,580 You got to move on. You were only trying to help. 404 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,449 You're making this whole story up. 405 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,418 I wish that I were. 406 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,919 Because of the tragedy, 407 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,121 I never got to finish my training. 408 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,756 I never learned accuracy. 409 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,792 Because of that, I shall remain... 410 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,794 forever... 411 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,864 a mere slapprentice. 412 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,633 What does that mean, baby? 413 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,301 NARRATOR: Here's what it meant. 414 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:11,004 ("O Fortuna" playing) 415 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,377 (Barney gasps) 416 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:18,478 (gasping) 417 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,413 Damn it! 418 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,154 Please! Somebody! 419 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,788 Help me! 420 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,792 There's a crazy guy trying to slap me and he's... 421 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,461 Oh, my God. 422 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,163 Four women. 423 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,530 And a willow tree. 424 00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,933 At least there's no tiger. 425 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,204 Oh, my God. 426 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,174 Is that... half a tiger? 427 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,808 You got here early. 428 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,211 Aah! 429 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,746 It's time. 430 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,349 But you never completed your training. 431 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,218 Actually... 432 00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,253 Listen to me. I must speak fast. 433 00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:02,255 Once you've had your heart slapped out of your body, 434 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,757 you've only got ten, 15 minutes to live, max. 435 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:07,427 Sure. The trick to accuracy 436 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,862 is to, like, try to be really accurate. 437 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,431 Okay? Don't just slap. 438 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,266 Like, like, really try to aim. 439 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,868 Look where you're slapping, that's important. 440 00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:18,071 And then try to slap that spot 441 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,940 instead of some other spot. 442 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,675 Well, I guess that's pretty much it. 443 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,776 You can slap people now. 444 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,745 (groans) 445 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,549 He's gone. 446 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,717 One other thing. 447 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,419 Cleveland has a lot to offer. 448 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,222 Be sure to check out the James A. Garfield Monument. 449 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:37,424 Um, I mean, sure, he was only president for four months 450 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,226 before he was assassinated, 451 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,461 but if you get up to the top, you can see almost for 30 miles. 452 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,796 As long as the steel factory's not smelting. 453 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,599 (groans) 454 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,901 He's gone. 455 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,004 No, like I said, ten, 15 minutes. 456 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,275 Oh, God, this is awkward. Yeah, yeah. 457 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,044 It's like when you're saying good-bye to someone, 458 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,946 and then you realize you're both headed in the same direction. 459 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,214 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what do we, what do we 460 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,216 we say good-bye again or...? 461 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,152 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? (groans) 462 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:07,687 He's gone. 463 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,325 Wait, are you just pretending so it'll be less awkward? 464 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,195 Should I just, like, go, or...? 465 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,131 Okay. 466 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,606 My training is complete. 467 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,609 I'm ready. 468 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,280 I'm ready, too. 469 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,348 I love you. 470 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,583 Enough to take this slap for me? 471 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,818 No. 472 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,290 * 473 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,351 (grunts) 474 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,286 All right! Yeah! Oh! 475 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,054 Good one. You got me that time, bro. 476 00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:16,189 Yeah, right? Hey, only one slap left. 477 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,690 Crazy! Where did the time go? 478 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,958 I know, it's, like, uh, 479 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,193 slow down, life, you know what I mean? 480 00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:21,294 (laughter) 481 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,029 Hey, was that a fake jukebox? 482 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,864 Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox. Nice, nice. 483 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,299 Aw, man. All right. 484 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:27,600 You okay? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, good. 485 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,306 Ladies and gentlemen, Boyz II Men. 486 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,642 * Ooh-ooh 487 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,245 * Ooh 488 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:41,481 * What is this feeling 489 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:45,418 * That's put you in your place? * 490 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:48,488 * A hot red burning 491 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,023 * On the side of your face 492 00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,259 * Ah * 493 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,193 * You feel the blood rush 494 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,762 * To your cheek 495 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,766 * Tears start to fill your eyes * 496 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:03,336 * Your lips are trembling, but you can't speak * 497 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,372 * You're trying, oh 498 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:09,776 * You're trying not to cry 499 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,878 * You just got slapped 500 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,913 * Slapped * * Whoa 501 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,449 * Slappy, slappy-slap * * Across the face, my friend 502 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,519 * Yeah, you just got slapped 503 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,288 * You just got slapped * * Oh, yes 504 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,356 * It really just happened 505 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,124 * Oh, yes, it did * 506 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:29,429 * Oh, everybody saw it-- ha! 507 00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,565 * And everybody laughed and clapped * 508 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:35,067 * Ooh, everybody saw it 509 00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:40,807 * How everybody laughed and clapped * 510 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,744 * 'Cause it was awesome * So awesome * 511 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:46,479 * Oh, oh... 512 00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:49,081 * The way that you just got slapped * 513 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,485 * Ooh, yeah * Slapped * 514 00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:54,454 * Oh, yeah... 515 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,923 * Ooh. 516 00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:02,462 One more.