1
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,675
BARNEY:
"Let's get this party started."

2
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,544
Hey, can you
push the button?

3
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:12,346
Do not touch
that button.

4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,382
Just give it a little push.
Don't push it.

5
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,483
Just push it a little.
Don't listen to him.

6
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,884
Half of it, halfway, halfway...
Don't even touch it.

7
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:18,386
Why can't I
push the button?

8
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,388
Because whenever Barney
sees a button-- any button--

9
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,022
he has to push it.

10
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,192
(panting)

11
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,227
Sorry.

12
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,861
Why are you so mad?

13
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,064
Because my rehearsal dinner

14
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,166
was supposed to start
ten minutes ago.

15
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,535
But instead of stuffing my face

16
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,036
with hors d'oeuvres

17
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,106
that I have been dreaming
about for months,

18
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,508
I am in a laser tag

19
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,343
security office,

20
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,679
waiting for the police
to arrest my fiancé

21
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,348
for causing a disturbance.

22
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,549
Hey, you said "fiancé."

23
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,218
That's a good sign.
(sighs)

24
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,685
Now what do you say
we give that old button a push?

25
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:54,255
Take a good look at
this face, Barney, okay?

26
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,824
'Cause it'll be useful
for the future.

27
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,693
This is my "pretty mad" face.

28
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,729
Well, then, we've got a problem.

29
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:04,565
'Cause it looks a lot like
your "pretty hungry" face.

30
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,066
I'm missing
the bacon-wrapped figs!

31
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,801
Please push the button!

32
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,650
Why is it
so cold in here?

33
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,318
You trying to get me to talk
or something?

34
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,553
Not really.

35
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:26,987
In fact, if you could just
sit there quietly...

36
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,489
Fine, I'll talk.

37
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,558
It all started a few months ago,

38
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,794
when I had the most
awesome idea ever.

39
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,564
Laser tag
rehearsal dinner!

40
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,499
That might be the worst idea
you've ever had,

41
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,733
which is saying a lot.

42
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,069
Name one bad idea
I've ever had.

43
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,971
Gluten-free edible panties.

44
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,173
Hot dog on a stick
on a bun.

45
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,774
Inflatable sex toy life raft.

46
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,176
The breast
augmentation channel.

47
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,843
Single malt
Scotch tape.

48
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:50,911
The time you ran for mayor.

49
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,580
I still have 12,000 buttons
that say,

50
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,382
"The only poll I care about
is in my pants."

51
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,084
Barney, planning
a wedding

52
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,586
is all about compromise.

53
00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,920
Do you remember that one night,

54
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,589
right after we got engaged?

55
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,424
Where is this wedding
gonna be, anyway?

56
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,025
You know, I thought
it might be nice

57
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,527
to get married
in Canada.

58
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,061
I mean, it's where
I'm from, and...

59
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,364
Okay.

60
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,333
Let's have it.
Get it over with,

61
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:13,334
get it all out
of your system.

62
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,302
I'm the groom,

63
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,669
I'm the groom,
I might as well start.

64
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,371
Canada?
What, are we gonna

65
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,473
walk down the aisle to
Crash Test Dummies?

66
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,674
Play's to Marshall.

67
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,176
Canada?
What are you gonna do,

68
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:24,178
hire a regular dog sled
or a stretch?
(snorts)

69
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:25,846
Canada?

70
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,681
Are you registered
at Tim Hortons?

71
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:28,649
LILY:
Canada.

72
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,184
Oh, does
the organist play

73
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,385
wearing mittens?

74
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:32,853
MARSHALL:
Canada? How are you gonna

75
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,054
slip the ring on
the bride's finger

76
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,356
if she's wearing
mittens?

77
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,624
(laughs)

78
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,858
Two mitten jokes
in a row?

79
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,160
So... you're pretty
much done, then?

80
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,363
NARRATOR:
Kids... we weren't even close.

81
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:43,564
Canada.

82
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,233
What do we ask on
the wedding invitation?

83
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,968
"Will you be having
the elk or the moose?"

84
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,069
Canada.

85
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,904
What, are you gonna
walk down the aisle

86
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,206
wearing snowshoes?!

87
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,207
(laughing)

88
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:54,675
Canada.

89
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,710
What, is everyone gonna have
access to universal healthcare

90
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,879
so no one has to choose
between going bankrupt

91
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:01,415
and treating
a life-threatening illness?

92
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:02,850
Canada?

93
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,652
W-What's the band gonna play
for your first dance?

94
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,153
Crash Test Dummies?

95
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,588
(laughing)
See, it's funny

96
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,022
'cause who gets a band?

97
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,858
Enough.
It was just an idea.

98
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,025
Okay, okay.

99
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:13,761
Seriously, Robin,
doing it here in New York

100
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,863
would be easier, since
all of our friends

101
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,531
and a lot of
our family are here.

102
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:20,868
But... I want you
to have the wedding
that you want.

103
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,603
So if it's Canada...

104
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,171
just say the word.

105
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,172
(stifles a laugh)

106
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,174
And then say it again
in French.

107
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,342
(laughing)

108
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,711
See? I compromised.

109
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,079
Fine.

110
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,615
We'll just have a nice,
tasteful rehearsal dinner.

111
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,418
Maybe at a French restaurant.

112
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,752
I know just the place.

113
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,588
What's the name
of the restaurant?

114
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:43,591
La... ser tag.

115
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,260
You know, I was thinking about

116
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,928
what to get you guys
for a wedding gift.

117
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,129
As you know,

118
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,098
I'm kind of
the wedding gift master.

119
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:53,200
And, well,
all this talk

120
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,201
of the rehearsal dinner

121
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,069
gives me a fantastic idea.

122
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,204
I've been
meaning

123
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,440
to start taking
piano lessons again.

124
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:00,574
No.

125
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:01,709
No piano time.
Guys!

126
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:02,876
Just let me perform something.

127
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,278
I'll-I'll tickle the keys.

128
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,279
It'll be great.

129
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,648
Not even if you
dressed up as Liberace.

130
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,116
What if I dressed up
as Liberace?

131
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:09,850
Sold!
Sold.

132
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,387
And that was the end of it.

133
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,055
Until my bachelor party.

134
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,223
Uh-oh.

135
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,425
Let me guess:

136
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,626
there was a stripper.

137
00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:21,061
You had a little fun.

138
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,731
Maybe took some
ill-advised pictures.

139
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,798
Next thing
you know,

140
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,900
she's blackmailing you
into bankruptcy,

141
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,235
and your medical degree's
hanging on the wall

142
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,504
of a laser tag security office!

143
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:33,907
No.

144
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,743
The night of my bachelor party,
my friends took me

145
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,144
to a crappy hotel,

146
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:38,979
hired my ex-fiancée
to be the stripper,

147
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,681
I lost thousands of dollars,
and my best friend

148
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,682
even had his hand cut off.

149
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,683
It would've been

150
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:43,851
the worst night of all time

151
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,185
if the whole thing hadn't been

152
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,253
a prank planned by

153
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,356
my beautiful, amazing fiancée.

154
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,858
She put me through hell
just to give me the best

155
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:53,026
surprise of my life... which,
p.s., included an appearance

156
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,294
by my favorite actor--

157
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,330
non-porn category.

158
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,532
Wow, that sounds pretty cool.

159
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,468
Yeah. Except
pretty not cool,

160
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,703
because he kept talking about
how he was gonna get me back,

161
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:05,038
and sure enough,
a few days later...

162
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,475
Robin, there's no
good way to say this.

163
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,977
I've made a huge mistake.

164
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,712
I can't go through
with the wedding.

165
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,447
What?

166
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,648
(choked up):
I'm so sorry.

167
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,350
I-I just...
I had to tell you

168
00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:17,918
before it was too late.

169
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,388
Oh, my God, you're serious.

170
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,088
Yeah.

171
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,191
And since this is my apartment,

172
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,893
I think that
you should move out.

173
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,498
Fine.

174
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:35,068
Puppies!

175
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,339
I know.
Great prank, right?

176
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:40,908
That is awful.

177
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,576
You're a frickin' weirdo.

178
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:45,579
Such a weirdo.

179
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:46,980
Careful, watch the robe.

180
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,649
Anyway,

181
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,651
for reasons only
you guys and Robin

182
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,686
but nobody normal
like me would understand,

183
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,087
she got cranky.

184
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,989
And she laid
down the law.

185
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,425
No more surprises.

186
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,226
(weird voice):
But you love surprises.

187
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:02,229
Almost as much as
I love lickin' myself!

188
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:04,064
That was me talking,
not the puppy.

189
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,399
Barney, the surprises
are out of hand

190
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,400
and they have to stop.

191
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:07,935
Deal?
But...

192
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:08,869
Deal?
But...

193
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,938
Deal.
Butt...

194
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:11,705
Barney...

195
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:14,074
Fine.

196
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,375
Deal.

197
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:17,445
Man.

198
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,279
This whole "no more
surprises" thing

199
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,948
is so unfair.

200
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:22,015
Who does that?

201
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,384
Barney,
the "no more surprises" thing

202
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,253
is the best part
of being married.

203
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:27,721
It's true.
When I wake up
in the morning,

204
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:30,223
I know what Lily's breath
is gonna smell like.

205
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,725
It's like...
roses.

206
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,961
Do you really
want a marriage

207
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,095
where you have
this paranoia

208
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,130
that Robin's hiding
around every corner,

209
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,467
planning to get
you back with some
crazy new prank?

210
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,401
You're
absolutely right.

211
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,536
Thank you, Lily.

212
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,472
No, th...
that was me,
over here.

213
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,405
He wasn't listening.

214
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:46,640
If you guys
are saying

215
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:47,875
what I think
you're saying...

216
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:48,976
Probably not.
Go on.

217
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:49,977
...then that
must mean...

218
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,044
No, it doesn't.

219
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,313
...that Robin is
planning a surprise

220
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,583
laser tag
rehearsal dinner!

221
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,556
Dude, Robin is not planning

222
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,424
a surprise laser tag
rehearsal dinner.

223
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,425
Yes, she is.

224
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,227
No, she isn't.
Yes, she is.

225
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,796
No, I'm not!

226
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,097
Yes, she is.

227
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,765
ALL:
No, she isn't.

228
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,433
Then why did
she pretend

229
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,569
to ridicule it
as an idiotic idea?

230
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,739
Because it is
an idiotic idea.

231
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,508
If Robin
actually was

232
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,075
planning a surprise,

233
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,111
don't you think she would
tell her maid of honor?

234
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,979
She didn't tell you
'cause you can keep a secret

235
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,681
the way my dentist
keeps his car keys.

236
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:32,586
You don't know him,
but he's lost them...

237
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:33,687
like, twice.

238
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:34,922
Actually,
just once, and...

239
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,024
that time they were
in his other pocket.

240
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,259
I can't keep a secret?

241
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,628
He does have a point, Lily.

242
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,262
You're kind of famous for
the old blabbity-blabbity.

243
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,430
Hey.

244
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,632
How was lunch
with Debbie?

245
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,199
Great.
She's pregnant!

246
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,334
(gasps) Oops.

247
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,136
I'm not supposed
to tell anybody.
Why not?

248
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,771
Because she's getting
a divorce.

249
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,972
Damn it!

250
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,140
Debbie's getting
a divorce?

251
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,809
Yeah, she walked
in on her husband
having sex.

252
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,110
Oh! Come on, Lily.

253
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,779
Well, maybe we don't
need to know every gory...

254
00:07:58,812 --> 00:07:59,947
With a man.

255
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,783
Will you get it
together, Aldrin?!

256
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,951
You okay, Lily?

257
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,654
And that guy's
the father of the baby.

258
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,756
(sighs)
I gotta go lie down.

259
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,125
Which brings us
to earlier today,

260
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:15,028
when Robin was setting up
the decoy rehearsal dinner,

261
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:16,764
complete with fake booze.

262
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,500
Trying to pass
this off as Scotch,

263
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,536
and we all know
it's apple juice.

264
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:31,011
(choking):
Typical apple juice burn.

265
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,247
Yes, Barney,
the booze is real.

266
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:35,649
The food is real.

267
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,985
Ooh, speaking of which,
where are the
bacon-wrapped figs?

268
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,720
Probably at...
(clears throat)

269
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,054
...the laser tag place,

270
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:43,323
where the real rehearsal
dinner's going down.

271
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,526
Isn't that right,
Theodore?

272
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,929
Barney, there is
no laser tag.

273
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,197
We're gonna have
a nice dinner,

274
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,565
some drinks,
and then,

275
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:52,600
according to Robin,

276
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,101
if her Aunt Edith
gets drunk enough,

277
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,769
she'll take off her wig and
they'll play hockey with it.

278
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:56,904
Poppycock!

279
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,039
You know how
she's gonna do it,

280
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,073
and you're gonna
tell me!

281
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:03,376
Or do I have
to get my face

282
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,747
even closer
to yours?

283
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:07,748
LILY:
Hey.

284
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,016
How come you're
not getting

285
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,584
uncomfortably
close to my face?

286
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:13,053
I could be in on it, too.

287
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,755
(both laughing)

288
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:15,923
'Course you could,
Lil.

289
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,591
I can keep a secret.

290
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,059
Lily, don't
make me laugh.

291
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,393
I'd trust you
with a secret

292
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,262
as much as I'd trust
Marshall with Pop Secret.

293
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,464
I can keep a secret!

294
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,533
I can keep a secret
real good.

295
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,936
I can keep a secret
like nobody's business,

296
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,772
'cause it is
nobody's business.

297
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,040
'Cause it's a secret,

298
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,775
and I'm keeping it!

299
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:35,743
Does Marshall
shave his back?

300
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,778
No, I shave it
for him. Damn it!

301
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:38,779
Ooh!

302
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,113
I should call
Marshall.

303
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,581
I bet he's
in on this.

304
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,583
If he really exists.

305
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,419
Okay.

306
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:47,655
Setting aside the fact

307
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,989
that I've kept your whole

308
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,224
"moving to Chicago" thing
a secret,

309
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,094
aren't you supposed to be
dressed like Liberace right now?

310
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,629
Okay, first of all,

311
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:57,330
if I showed up in costume,

312
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,066
it would steal from
the surprise and spectacle

313
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,500
of my grand entrance.

314
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,169
And second of all,
I'm not doing that.

315
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,436
Why not?

316
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:06,740
Because dressing like Liberace
is easy, but...

317
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:10,410
Uh, yes, 4/4, E-sharp...

318
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,781
major...

319
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,482
Okay.

320
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:18,952
Let's make something
beautiful, shall we?

321
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,488
(inhales deeply)

322
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,290
I think that's
enough for today.

323
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:27,594
Okay, I figured out how
this is gonna go down.

324
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,963
We're gonna "run out" of ice,

325
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,965
and Robin's gonna ask me
to go get some,

326
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,534
and lo and behold,
the only place that sells ice

327
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:38,538
in this whole town is right next
to the local laser taggery.

328
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,207
I go inside and... (gasps)

329
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,441
Surprise!

330
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,777
Beautiful dinner,
family and friends,

331
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:46,279
free game tokens
and an off-road arcade game

332
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,215
that's rigged
for unlimited turbos!

333
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,183
That is the
single stupidest...

334
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:51,551
Guys, you aren't
gonna believe this.

335
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,653
The ice machine
is broken.

336
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,789
Is it now?

337
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:59,526
Well, dog my cats,
what are the chances?

338
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,162
Huh? What do we do?

339
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,798
Well, I guess I could go get
some ice.

340
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:05,966
Uh, no,
they'll send someone.

341
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,667
All right, fine.
Twist my arm. I'll do it.

342
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:08,668
But seriously,
Hmm?

343
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,637
did you get everything set up
over there?

344
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,305
Do you have enough food,
have enough guns?

345
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,808
Did you get a vest extender
for Grandma Stinson? She's...

346
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:17,310
What are you
talking about?

347
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:21,414
Oh, babe, you're so good
at this. I love it.

348
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,250
All right, I'll see you guys
over there.

349
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,818
I mean, be right back.

350
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:28,588
Barney, Barney, this is
our rehearsal dinner, okay?

351
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,357
Do not leave the premises.

352
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,092
Promise me you're not going
anywhere.

353
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,160
Fine.

354
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:33,927
Say it.

355
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,496
Say you promise
you won't leave.

356
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,933
I promise I won't leave.

357
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,102
So I left.
And what do you know,

358
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:46,173
the ice store is right next
to a laser tag place!

359
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,508
No, it isn't!
It's six miles away

360
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,709
in the opposite direction.

361
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,544
And I told you not to go!

362
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:52,780
Yeah, well, you also told me

363
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,681
you didn't want a ring bear
at the wedding.

364
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:55,615
Ring bear-er!

365
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:56,716
We all know how great

366
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:57,851
that's gonna be. The point is,

367
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,286
I played along with her plan,

368
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:02,890
and I acted "natural" so I
wouldn't spoil the surprise.

369
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:05,692
Oh, my goodness!

370
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,560
Laser tag?!

371
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,629
Maybe I should go in here
for a minute,

372
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,264
just check it out
for no apparent reason.

373
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:12,900
And what's this?

374
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,435
My hands-free token satchel?

375
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,805
And my free lifetime refill
root beer mug?

376
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,209
So for the past
two months

377
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,244
when we were letting you use
our apartment

378
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,079
to practice the piano
every Sunday night,

379
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,580
what were you doing?

380
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:31,618
Oh, so that's not traveling
'cause he's the MVP?

381
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:34,454
Come on!

382
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,057
Where's Barney?
Has anyone seen him?

383
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,458
Robin, Ted's totally bailing

384
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,460
on playing the piano
for you and Barney.

385
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,997
Oh, really? Ted, you didn't
have to not do that.

386
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,065
But thank you.

387
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,835
But he promised!
A promise is a promise.

388
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,636
You can't say you're
gonna do something

389
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:52,305
and then suddenly do something
completely different!

390
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,141
Why are you getting
so worked up about this?

391
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,845
Because, obviously, I'm worked
up for a different

392
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:58,979
but somewhat similar reason.

393
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,580
And someone should ask me
about it!

394
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,350
I'm sorry. I don't have time
for your drama right now, Lily.

395
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,617
My fiancé is missing.

396
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,419
Marshall got picked
to be a judge.

397
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,455
He took the job
without even asking me.

398
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,991
Italy's off!

399
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,795
I have time for your drama.

400
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:26,139
So, Marshall can't go
to Italy?
Not if he wants to be a judge.

401
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,475
And my Italian was getting
so good.

402
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,178
It was so (speaks Italian).

403
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,017
But wait, you guys already
sublet the apartment.

404
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:38,986
You're already packed.

405
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,654
Marshall already borrowed
and lost my Rosetta Stone.

406
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,390
That selfish bastard!

407
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,658
(phone rings)
Sorry, Lil. Hello.

408
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,360
Okay, I'm mad, too.

409
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,962
I should hope so.

410
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,298
All of a sudden, his dream
is more important than yours?

411
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,033
And he did it behind your back.

412
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:54,301
Bastardo!

413
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,969
He would never hurt me
intentionally.

414
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,704
I'll hurt him intentionally.

415
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,006
Molto bastardo!

416
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,340
That's sweet of you to say.

417
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,475
You could never take
Marshall in a million years,

418
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,411
but that's sweet of you to say.

419
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:08,415
Well, apparently, Barney went
to the laser tag place

420
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:11,051
looking for a surprise
rehearsal dinner.

421
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,320
When he didn't find one,
he threatened

422
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,022
to dunk
the snack bar guy's head

423
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:18,658
into a vat
of scalding nacho Whiz.

424
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,260
He's being held
until the police arrive

425
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,030
I need your apple juice.

426
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,900
Ha!

427
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,335
And here we are.

428
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:32,239
Now, I believe this charade
has gone on long enough.

429
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,909
Can we please get to the
surprise laser tag rehearsal?

430
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,445
Hey, there is no surprise
laser tag rehearsal dinner!

431
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:42,282
Okay, but if I may offer
an opposing view.

432
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,951
Of course there is!

433
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,219
This place is lousy
with clues.

434
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:49,689
Is he even really
a security guard?

435
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,259
Because he looks an awful lot
like a non-Pakistani version

436
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,228
of the guy who delivers
sandwiches at my office.

437
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,097
Also...

438
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:03,971
"laser tag" has the same number
of letters as "rehearsal."

439
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,140
Laser tag has eight,
rehearsal has nine.

440
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:11,778
And if you rearrange the letters
and add some other ones,

441
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:15,983
it says, "Get ready, Barney,
for the biggest surprise ever,

442
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,418
you handsome son of a..."

443
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,753
and then not quite enough
letters for "bitch,"

444
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:21,821
but good try, Robin.

445
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,224
This is crazy, Barney.

446
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,393
We-We can't have a marriage
like this.

447
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:30,397
A marriage has to be built on
honesty and trust

448
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,665
and all of that Lily-
and-Marshall crap.

449
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:36,103
I though our marriage was built
on honesty and trust

450
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,439
and all that Lily-
and-Marshal crap.

451
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,142
I just feel so alone right now.

452
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,644
Well, you're not. I'm here.

453
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,315
And I know you can keep
a secret.

454
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,317
(scoffs) Yeah, right.

455
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:51,651
Tell you what.

456
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,254
How about I let you in
on another secret?

457
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,189
Something bigger.

458
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,025
Bigger than Chicago?

459
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:02,795
Are you kidding?

460
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,565
Nope. Want to do the honors?

461
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,171
Ladies and gentlemen,

462
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:14,474
there's been a slight change
of plan.

463
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,443
Fine! Fine.

464
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,977
You're right, Robin.

465
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,780
Marriage isn't about playing
crazy pranks.

466
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,783
It isn't about telling
long expertly crafted lies

467
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:24,884
to cover those pranks...

468
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,719
How'd you get out
of those handcuffs?

469
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,888
...and hiring actors
to play security guards

470
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,491
and spending exorbitant
amounts of money on things

471
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,493
like giant,
fake laser tag signs.

472
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,328
No, it's about honesty.

473
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,464
Size six skate, right?

474
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,398
Yeah.

475
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,834
And in that spirit,
I got to be honest.

476
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:44,504
Every now and then,

477
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:48,675
I am gonna lie to you.
I just am.

478
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:52,045
If it's in the interest
of an amazing surprise, that is.

479
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:56,216
You're gonna get bamboozled,
hoodwinked.

480
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:58,685
Heck, I'll just say it.

481
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,254
You're gonna get snowed.

482
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,058
Why is it snowing in here?

483
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,259
Put on the skates.

484
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,660
We gotta go.

485
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,496
Where?

486
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,664
Where are we going?

487
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,766
To the rehearsal dinner, silly.

488
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,204
Let's get this party started.

489
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,375
What?!

490
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,111
ALL:
Surprise!

491
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,680
What-What is going on?

492
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:32,018
I know how much you wanted
to be in Canada this weekend.

493
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,020
So I brought Canada to you.

494
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:37,357
Oh, and here's an autographed
picture of Wayne Gretzky.

495
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,791
Thanks.

496
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,728
And this guy's not really
a security guard.

497
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:50,137
* Once there was this boy who

498
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:56,143
* Wore a lot of suits and said
that stuff was "legendary" *

499
00:17:56,176 --> 00:18:00,213
* He gave lots of high fives

500
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:03,383
* And swore...

501
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:08,188
* That he would
never get married *

502
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,824
* He really thought
he meant it *

503
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,926
Thanks for letting me
in on this.

504
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,828
Even if it was
at the very end.

505
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,963
My pleasure.

506
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,498
Oh, and by the way,

507
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,500
there's one more secret
I've been keeping.

508
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,001
All those nights
I was supposed

509
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,403
to be taking piano lessons?

510
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:28,007
I was actually taking
figure skating lessons!

511
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,779
* Once, there was
this girl who... *

512
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,581
NARRATOR:
Kids, it takes more
than two months

513
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,883
to learn how to figure skate.

514
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,420
I love you.

515
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,589
I love you, too.

516
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,192
I'm gonna get you back,
you know?
Bring it.

517
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:52,532
* And swore she'd also
never get married *

518
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,868
* She really thought
she meant it. *

519
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:02,008
I can't believe
you did all of this.

520
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,810
Hey, I thought you
didn't like Canada.

521
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,678
Are you kidding?
I love Canada.

522
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,180
Holy musk ox,

523
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,982
is that legendary
Canadian doctor
Frederick Banting?

524
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,150
Whoa!

525
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,386
In 1924,
I discovered insulin.

526
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,288
Take that, diabetes.

527
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:18,358
Hey, look, it's Manitoba's
native son, Norman Breakey.

528
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:19,526
You're welcome, world.

529
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,662
Enjoy my invention,
the paint roller.

530
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,498
And of course,
you know Alan Thicke.

531
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,200
Hey, hey, you...
Oh, hey.

532
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,135
...are the prettiest girl
in the place.

533
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,203
Oh, thank you,
Alan.

534
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,704
All right, all right,
all right.

535
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:32,872
Good to see you.

536
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,173
Hey, look,
it's Louise Poirier,

537
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:35,875
who I think worked
for the company

538
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,244
that probably created
Wonderbra.

539
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,679
(speaks French)

540
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,013
(speaks French)
Okay, okay.

541
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:44,584
Canadians also helped
win two world wars...
Mm-hmm.

542
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,386
...and gave the world
Neil Young, William Shatner,

543
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:48,020
Leonard Cohen,
Pamela Anderson,

544
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,556
one quarter
of Barney Stinson,

545
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:53,393
instant mashed potatoes,
and best of all, you.

546
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,428
Thank you.

547
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:09,909
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org