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00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,572
NARRATOR: Marshall and Marvin
were taking the bus

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00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:07,175
on their way to Long Island
to meet up with us.

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00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,576
(crying)
There, there,
little Marvin.

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Let no more
tears fall.

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We're gonna see Mommy
in no time at all.

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Hello there. I'm sorry
for all of the noise.

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It's been a long day
for the Eriksen boys.

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Uh... what's with the rhyming?

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I'm glad that you ask.

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To get my son
sleeping is no easy task.

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A few weeks ago,
the job fell to my wife.

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And as the poor baby cried out
for dear life,

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she read every book,
but all were no use

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until she arrived
at a mother named Goose.

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Why, Marvin...
MARSHALL:
She noted.

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...these rhymes
make you tired!

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And ever since then,
all young Marvin's required

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is one book of rhymes,
and to dream land he goes.

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Now, what shall we read?

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Oh, crap, I left
his book in the car!

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(crying)

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That blows.

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(crying stops)

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Oh, no, what a bummer!

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What craptastic luck!

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Without Marvin's rhyme book,
this ride's gonna suck!

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Does anyone here have
some poetry maybe?

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Or any advice?
Yeah!

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Don't have a baby!

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(laughter)

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I guess if I don't want
young Marvin to wake up,

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the rhymes will just have
to be ones that I make up.

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I'll whip up some poetry
in seconds flat!

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Oh, I know!

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This story's called
Mosby at the Bat!

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The outlook wasn't brilliant
for poor Ted's romantic life.

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He was deep into his thirties,
and yet, still he had no wife.

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But then, one day
whilst grading papers,

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life sent him a whammy.

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A physics prof named Lisa

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who'd just moved here
from Miami.

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Professor?

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She asked timidly.
He answered:

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Call me Ted.
Oh.

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I don't want to bother you.

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Please, have a seat.
He said.

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I'm fairly new to teaching,
and I'm looking for advice.

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Every night I practice giving
lectures, sometimes twice.

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00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:08,962
But when I teach

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00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:12,132
magnetic force,
I just see eyeballs glazing.

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I asked around, and people say
your lectures are amazing.

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Which is really
saying something,

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because, architecture? Yawn.

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And Ted thought...

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TED: Psh, yeah, 'cause physics
is so interesting.

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Go on.

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It's just
that you're so skilled,

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and I'm a relative beginner.

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If it isn't too much trouble,
can I take you out to dinner?

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I'd love to get some pointers,
and I shouldn't keep you late.

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What do you say?

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What do I say?

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Teddy Westside's
got a date!

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ALL: Hooray!
MARSHALL: We cheered.

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Ted's off the bench!

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Our boy's back in the game!

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Thank God, it's been
a hundred years

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since Mosby scored a dame.

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The last time he saw
boobies was

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the screen-test
scene in Fame.

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The last girl he dated,

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I think "Righty" was her name.

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Hold it.
Let's not all go crazy

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like some wild berzerkers.

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What if this is just a business
meal between co-workers?

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MARSHALL: Ted thought back
on past failed dates.

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Oh, God, that
could be true.

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How many times have I come
home to find my balls are blue?

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It all depends where Ted and
his new fetching young Floridian

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are standing in relation
to that puzzling meridian

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called
"The International Date Line."

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That's right, new theory.

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"What's that," you ask?
Nobody did.

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I'll now address your query!
The date line

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is the border betwixt happiness
and sorrow.

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On this side,
you go home tonight.

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On this side, home tomorrow.

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MARSHALL:
And then, as Barney made some
gestures that were rather rude,

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Ted left to go meet Lisa,
in a rather puzzled mood.

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Was this a date?

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He simply couldn't tell
how he was faring.

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Then Lisa showed up.

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Ted rejoiced to see
what she was wearing.

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For girls at business dinners

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don't have necklines
that revealing!

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But then a friendly handshake
gave poor Ted

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a sinking feeling.

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00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,046
And so, the night wore on.

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00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,282
And back and forth,
the globe rotated.

100
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:11,952
But still, Ted's curiosity was
never fully sated.

101
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How long could this continue?

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He was truly fortune's pawn.

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Then Lisa saw the TV.

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00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,926
Hey, the Yankees game is on!

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00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,628
Of baseball...
Ted observed...

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00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,564
...you seem to have some
firsthand knowledge.

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00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,232
To which the lady shrugged
and said...

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00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,767
I played softball in college.

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Now the age-old softball
stereotype's just that,

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and nothing more.

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Yeah!
But as the Yankees got a run,

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Ted feared he wouldn't score.

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For while the date side
of the line's

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the one we all might guess
he's in,

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00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,484
there'll be no joy in Tedville
if our Lisa is a...

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Yes! We win!

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Then Lisa took a drink
and said...

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This may sound kind of random,

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but there actually is a reason
for my rabid Yankee fandom.

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I guess I'll just be
honest here,

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though crazy it may seem.

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My first week in New York,
I dated someone on the team.

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00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:01,435
Which player?

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I'm not saying.
Please?

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What are you, a reporter?

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Ted's mind began to race.

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The waiter came
to take their order.

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00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,042
As Lisa said...

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I might like
the spaghetti marinara.

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Poor Ted just wondered
silently...

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TED:
Mariano Rivera?

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MARSHALL:
And as she said...

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I read this place has great
chicken Milano.

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All Ted could bring himself
to think was:

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TED:
Alfonso Soriano?

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I want something hearty.

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How about blackened miso cod?

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TED:
Is it Joe Girardi?

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Holy crap, is it A-Rod?!

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Okay, Ted, calm down.

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You've got
to get yourself together.

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Just smile, be charming,

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ooze charisma,
talk about the weather.

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For this might be a date,

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which means there might be
hanky-panky.

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So, dude, be cool, relax,
don't even...

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Just tell me which Yankee!

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I'd rather not
discuss this here.

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But then again, I'd hate...

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to let a silly secret ruin
such a lovely date.

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If there's

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an elephant in the room,

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why don't we just remove it?

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I dated Derek Jeter.

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Here's a picture
that'll prove it.

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MARSHALL:
As Ted looked
at that cell phone pic,

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there were two things
he reckoned.

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This definitely was a date,

159
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but there wouldn't be a second.

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See? It worked.

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I said some rhymes,
and out my boy did conk.

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Now let's enjoy the ride.

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(brakes screech)

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Move, jackass!
(honk)

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(crying)

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Okay, I need a brand-new tale
to silence Marvin's chatter.

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I don't know, that last one had
some sketchy subject matter.

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Forgive me, but before you got
here, did you smoke a joint?

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You don't tell kids a tale
that crass!

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NARRATOR:
I guess he had a point.

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I know, I said some things
that were,

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as you say,
kind of questionable.

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The truth is,
children Marvin's age

174
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aren't really
that impressionable.

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Do you remember anything
from when you were this small?

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Pumpkin picking at age three is
the first thing I recall.

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Hmm.
Huh.

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He won't remember this.
I guess it's true.

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It better be.

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Or else we'll end up paying

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00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,118
through the nose
for Marvin's therapy.

182
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Okay, buddy, nice chat,
but I think I need a break.

183
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Great idea.

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After this story!

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Robin Takes the Cake.

186
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Once in an East Side bakery,

187
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your debonair Aunt Robin was
making other customers think,

188
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"Geez, who let this slob in?"

189
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She didn't care about their
stares, or who was looking on.

190
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She'd just broke up with...

191
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,777
Kevin.

192
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,213
No, Gael. Or Scooby?

193
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,149
Don?

194
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:30,984
Now, sometimes,

195
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,319
when it rains it pours,

196
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and sometimes,
it starts snowing,

197
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,156
for as cream filling
hit her shirt...

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00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,591
MAN:
Hey, Robin, how's it going?

199
00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:39,527
'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend

200
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,995
from her younger days
in Canada,

201
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,531
but now, he looked
quite different...

202
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:46,133
Um...

203
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,367
Rhyme.

204
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,970
Uh... thinking. Uh...

205
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,372
I've just been handed
a news flash.

206
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,974
The word "Canada"
is unrhymeable.

207
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:55,609
It's easier to--
I don't know--

208
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,545
get drunk and try
to climb a bull.

209
00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:00,013
But Canada, damn it,
ask any man on the planet

210
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,348
and watch
their stammerin' stamina

211
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,051
as they clamor and cram it
into the middle of a sentence

212
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,553
for a shot at repentance,

213
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,988
pass the problem on to all
their non-rhyming descendants.

214
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,290
I've never met anyone who could
clean up after Canada.

215
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,125
Except my Uncle Tony
from the Bronx.

216
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,126
He's a janitor.

217
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,162
(applause)

218
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:20,033
Show-off.

219
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,035
Simon. Nice to see you.

220
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,171
So, what brings you to New York?

221
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,573
I live here now.
What? Really?

222
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,040
Yeah.
That's great.

223
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,676
Can I get a fork?

224
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,177
MARSHALL:
He'd always been a deadbeat

225
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,912
and your classic hoser phony,

226
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,882
but seeing Simon all cleaned up
hit Robin like a Zamboni.

227
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:37,050
And as she looked him
up and down,

228
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,385
young Robin felt a tingle.

229
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,220
Had Simon blossomed finally?

230
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,155
And if so, was he single?

231
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,757
So great.

232
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:46,026
She purred, whilst batting
her eyelashes like a flooze.

233
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,161
Yup, I'm engaged
to Louise Marsh,

234
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,030
and our pad's got a Jacuzz!

235
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,232
The bakery spinned,
the floor dropped out.

236
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,001
The air was thick as syrup.

237
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,003
Poor Robin swooned,
she couldn't breathe,

238
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,871
her eyes began to tear up.

239
00:08:57,905 --> 00:08:59,873
And as she tried
to stammer some excuse

240
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:01,609
to get away, Simon said:

241
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,077
Our wedding cake is
pretty bitchin', eh?

242
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:07,514
And so was born the worst idea
poor Robin's ever had.

243
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,050
And on Ted's door
there came a rapping.

244
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,119
I did something bad.

245
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,721
As Robin told her tale,

246
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,856
Ted knew
she'd made a massive boo-boo.

247
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:20,060
For stealing someone's wedding
cake is terribly bad juju.

248
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,562
Robin, I'm beside myself
to see what you've become!

249
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,431
You must return
this cake at once!

250
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,432
I can't!
Why not?

251
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,800
'Cause...

252
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,268
Yum.

253
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:32,405
Ted gasped, for he had never
seen a brazen act so vicious.

254
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,207
Robin felt remorse, and yet...

255
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,376
Oh, God, this is delicious!

256
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:40,080
So one piece led to two,
then three, then five, then 17.

257
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:44,217
She savaged that poor cake
like some rapacious wolverine.

258
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:47,220
Eating, gobbling, munching,
so the frenzied night wore on.

259
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,122
And by the time
your mom arrived,

260
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,058
the cake was halfway gone.

261
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,760
I came as soon as I got word.

262
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,561
So how bad is the damage?

263
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:58,766
See for yourself the product
of her cake-in-gullet crammage!

264
00:09:58,799 --> 00:09:59,967
Half a cake?

265
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,434
What have I done?!

266
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,603
The world shall not forgive it!

267
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,272
This day will live in infamy.

268
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,507
I never shall outlive it!

269
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,009
For I have become

270
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,112
the girl that eats her feelings,
don't mistake it.

271
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,282
I think I need to get out
of this chair before I break it.

272
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,985
Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!

273
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,653
Said Mommy, with great fervor.

274
00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:22,455
You can't stop now,
for don't you see?

275
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:26,293
To the uninformed observer,
you're not some sad cliché,

276
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:29,496
some loser
from a chick-lit story.

277
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:33,200
You're Robin, and you're half
a wedding cake away from glory!

278
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,036
If you quit now,
then Simon wins,

279
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,105
the tale comes to a stop

280
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,640
at how you saw
an ex, freaked out,

281
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,309
and robbed a pastry shop.

282
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,978
If you have the guts, my dear,

283
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,114
it's time to get empowered

284
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,316
and be remembered for this

285
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:52,152
sweet behemoth you devoured.

286
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:53,220
And years from now,

287
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:56,223
the troubadour will
raise his voice and sing

288
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:59,159
of the time that Robin
took the cake.

289
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:01,028
And ate the whole...

290
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,329
damned...

291
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,997
thing.

292
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,466
MARSHALL:
Once more into the breach
she surged,

293
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,068
as Ted and Mommy cheered

294
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:12,005
and bite by bite the towering
confection disappeared.

295
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,741
Some friends were called
to come and watch.

296
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,242
And no one had to beg.

297
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,576
It soon became a party.

298
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,645
Barney even got a keg.

299
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,749
Forkful after forkful,
Robin guzzled French vanilla

300
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,084
making noises not unlike those
made by a gorilla.

301
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:26,053
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Come on, Robin,
finish it.

302
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,722
Yeah.
MARSHALL:
Mom's exhortations rang

303
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:32,259
like Apollo coaching Rocky
'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang.

304
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,994
Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite.

305
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,562
No, no, IV is with the Russians.

306
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,397
No, IV's the one
where he talks weird

307
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,032
because of his
concussions.

308
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,367
I think that's all of them.
Hey now,

309
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,203
no need to be discordant.
It's Rocky IV.

310
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,938
No, III.
No, II.

311
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,907
It's really
not important.

312
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:50,677
At last young Robin raised
the final bite up to her lips

313
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,079
the crowd grew still.

314
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,181
The only sound was Barney

315
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,548
eating chips.
(crunch)

316
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,086
Just one bite left.

317
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:02,089
Hey, this is like that scene
from Cool Hand Luke. You know,

318
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,124
(Southern accent):
"My boy can eat 50 eggs." Right?

319
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,926
She's gonna puke.

320
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,261
But Robin did not puke.

321
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,397
She ate that bite
and stood up, proud.

322
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:13,600
(wild cheering, whooping)

323
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,069
Wait. I'm not done yet.

324
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,905
She shouted,
to the startled crowd.

325
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,706
I've bested
this here wedding cake.

326
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,408
I'll gladly wear that crown.

327
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:22,575
But now that I have

328
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:25,112
done that task it's time
to wash it down.

329
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,214
For it's been such
an awesome night,

330
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,783
there's just one way
to cap it.

331
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,019
I'm going to drink
this entire keg.

332
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,055
Okay, Barney, tap it.

333
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,189
Oh!
Wow.

334
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,160
Hup.
Ho-o, oh.

335
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,630
MARSHALL:
And now that night's remembered
not for Robin getting dumped

336
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:46,834
but as the night we took her
in to get her stomach pumped.

337
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,069
And look at that,

338
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,471
the little angel's
sleeping soundly, Gus.

339
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,006
Looks like our problems...

340
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,007
Pick a lane!

341
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,342
(honks horn, Marvin cries)

342
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,645
I hate this
stupid bus.

343
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,751
Marvin, I'm afraid
this night is not
much of a winner.

344
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,619
Stuck in traffic,
now we've missed

345
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,488
the whole rehearsal dinner.

346
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,458
I pray that I was right
and that you'll have no memory

347
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:14,694
of this godforsaken ride
down the congested LIE.

348
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,830
At least we know
one thing for sure:

349
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,531
things can't get worse, I swear.

350
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:21,134
Adios, truck stop
burrito. Ooh!

351
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,769
Do not go in there.

352
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,940
Okay, one more story,
and I'll try to tell it pretty.

353
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,976
The tale of Barney Stinson,

354
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,044
Player King of New York City.

355
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,386
Once upon a time, we all
went out to get our drink on.

356
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,121
When who should
walk in but a girl

357
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,523
with sweater tight and pink on.

358
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:44,724
She ordered up a beer.

359
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,526
I think you see where
this is going.

360
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,728
As Barney put it,
oh so eloquently:

361
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,563
Boy-oy-oy-oing.

362
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:54,001
He rose to go approach this
girl commanding such intrigue

363
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,502
when Mommy interrupted:

364
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,670
Dude, she's way
out of your league.

365
00:13:57,704 --> 00:14:01,574
She's not in Daisy
Dukes, nor squeezed
into a Hooters tee.

366
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,543
And I don't see a
Curves membership

367
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,078
dangling from
her key.

368
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,179
She has no glaring

369
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,549
spray tan, no
unicorn tattoos.

370
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:13,753
She's sipping
Chardonnay, not pounding
cherry-flavored booze.

371
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,022
Her makeup
isn't running,

372
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,756
she's not playing
with her hair.

373
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,859
There's very little
chance she'll let you
put it anywhere.

374
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,929
Your challenge is accepted, Lil.

375
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,931
There is no girl too pretty,

376
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,899
for I am Barney Stinson,

377
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:28,201
Player King of New York City.

378
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,670
You can't anoint
yourself the king,

379
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,605
just like that jerk, LeBron.

380
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,874
He left the Cavs
three years ago.

381
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,543
Bro, give it
up, move on.

382
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,677
So why

383
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,179
am I king?
Glad you asked.

384
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,047
We didn't.
Never do.

385
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,182
It's origin
story time.

386
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,884
And trust me,
every word is true.

387
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:48,221
One morning long ago,
I woke up next to a conquest.

388
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,457
So many great things
'bout this girl: her boobs,

389
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,126
her rack, her chest.

390
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,928
She had a thirst for action,

391
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:57,030
and young Barney
was a-quenchin' it.

392
00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,231
Is this important
to the story?

393
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,133
No, just thought
I'd mention it.

394
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:03,470
As I departed, having bid
this busty babe buh-bye,

395
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,438
I stopped and looked around,
and wondered:

396
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,074
Where the hell am I?

397
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,442
The sign read 22nd Street,
and my concern decreased

398
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,612
until a cold wind
blew a branch aside,

399
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:13,947
revealing: "East."

400
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,283
The East Side. No.

401
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,617
Wh-What have I done?

402
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:18,986
I stammered with chagrin.

403
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:20,887
Just then a black sedan
pulled up...

404
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,455
You Barney?
Yeah.

405
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,091
Get in.
(sighs)

406
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,258
Is any of this true?

407
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:28,428
Of course. Now,
hang on to your "chayers."

408
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,964
For that day
I was called before...

409
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,433
the High Council of Players.

410
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,970
Gentlemen, for your attendance
here, our deepest thanks.

411
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:41,008
I'm sad to say, this council
has a poacher in its ranks.

412
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,609
For Barney here

413
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,844
picked up a girl
outside his territory.

414
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:45,845
The East Side

415
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,447
is Tuxedo Charlie's turf.

416
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,615
He's mad.

417
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,150
True story.

418
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,586
The Agreement of 2004
quite clearly did define

419
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,656
Fifth Avenue to be our hunting
grounds' dividing line.

420
00:15:56,689 --> 00:16:01,094
Your West Side college girls are
not the slip I park my boat in.

421
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,495
So you should know

422
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,433
my East Side debutantes
are quite verboten.

423
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,535
(sighs) Members
of the council...

424
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,204
Bros... nobody wants a war.

425
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:14,374
Of course I've not
forgotten the agreement of '04.

426
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,143
What can I say? A bonehead move.

427
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,011
Defend it?
I'm not able.

428
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,380
But, bros, have I not been a bro

429
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,149
to each bro at this table?

430
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,151
My friend from Brooklyn,
Pickle Jar Bob,

431
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,119
will give some validation.

432
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,187
Remember that
young tourist

433
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,856
who was looking
for Penn Station?

434
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:32,625
She'd just come in from Boston,
had a wicked good-in-bed look.

435
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:36,629
I gave her bad directions
and she ended up in Red Hook.

436
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,498
Shut up, Barney.
Whoa, Bronx Donnie,

437
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,167
let's not get excited.

438
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,536
Tuxedo Charlie's not the only
one here who's been slighted.

439
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:47,006
You told her you were Jeter
in your quest to lie upon her.

440
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,542
Impersonating Yankees
is my thing.

441
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,178
Have you no honor?

442
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,213
Gentlemen, please,
let's not blow

443
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,082
this détente
to smithereens.

444
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,484
Council recognizes Captain Bill,

445
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,052
our bro from Queens.

446
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,019
Thank you.

447
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,388
You all know me,

448
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,022
and you all
respect my game.

449
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:06,593
I dress up like a pilot
and meet girls in baggage claim.

450
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:09,929
And on my long-ass subway ride
from 61st and Woodside,

451
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:13,066
I came up with a plan to keep
you on each other's good side.

452
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,402
Barney,
you have wronged these two.

453
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:16,869
So, for the game

454
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:19,005
they're losing,
you now must grant them each

455
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,508
a West Side hottie
of their choosing.

456
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,575
You're kidding.

457
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:23,943
That's the settlement?

458
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:26,113
Come on, that's rather silly.
Gentlemen,

459
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,080
what say you?

460
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,081
I want Robin.

461
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,082
I want Lily.

462
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,950
Please. Bronx Donnie?

463
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,353
No chance he could
get me in the sack.

464
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,223
Tell that Mafioso I know
something he can whack.

465
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:37,790
Ladies, don't
you worry,

466
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,959
your fair legs can
all stay closed.

467
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,128
'Cause luckily
they took

468
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,097
the counteroffer
I proposed.

469
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,398
Well, gentlemen,

470
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,234
it seems there's nothing
I can say to sway you.

471
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,701
Charlie, Donnie,

472
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,470
say no more,
I gladly will repay you.

473
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,805
Carlotta, some champagne.

474
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:56,409
Let's toast before
we all adjourn.

475
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,913
To boobies.

476
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:03,816
Oh, and B-T-dub,

477
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,552
y'all just drank poison.

478
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,753
Ha-burn.

479
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,188
(gags)

480
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,598
(maniacal laugh)

481
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,173
And thus, my friends,
I have become,

482
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,308
through methods somewhat gory

483
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:31,110
the Player King
of New York City.

484
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:32,078
Boom.

485
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,347
The end.

486
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:35,815
True story.

487
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,250
Well, that was great.

488
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,152
Your little story
tickled all our ribs.

489
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,087
But one mistake
you made, sir,

490
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,490
was forgetting
to call dibs.

491
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:44,123
(gasps)

492
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,592
BARNEY:
No! Not fair.

493
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,327
But I'm the king.

494
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,962
And such a
better dresser.
TED: Sorry, dude,

495
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,598
but that's revenge

496
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:54,167
for Lisa the professor.
(chuckles)

497
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,335
(giggles)

498
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:56,969
Let's have
another round.

499
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,137
Yes.
MARSHALL:
Your mommy said.

500
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,939
And so we had one.

501
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,774
The night wore on,
and I must say,

502
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,810
it wasn't a half bad one.

503
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:06,112
What memories.
Our young and happy hearts

504
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,948
were hot as fire.

505
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,818
Feels like a lifetime
since those days.

506
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,655
(loud bump)
BUS DRIVER:
Sorry, folks,

507
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,056
flat tire.

508
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,625
(Marvin cries)
Oh, come on.

509
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,993
Now I'm never gonna
make it to Nantucket.

510
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,095
(Marvin continues wailing)

511
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:29,068
(explosions)

512
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:30,903
Oh, look a
fireworks display.

513
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,339
Some rockets
red glare action.

514
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:33,706
Thank God.

515
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:37,210
Thought my glaucoma drops
were causing a reaction.

516
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:41,314
Marvin, I'm so sorry this
whole journey's been a bummer.

517
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:46,553
Soon you'll be right back in
Mommy's arms, as warm as summer.

518
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:50,022
But sadly while your troubles
stop once we get to the inn

519
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:53,393
the moment we arrive
is when my troubles will begin.

520
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,928
Sometimes daddies screw up,

521
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,765
sometimes mommies get upset.

522
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:02,201
I really hope this weekend
is a memory you'll forget.

523
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:05,905
So look up at those fireworks,
enjoy the falling embers...

524
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:09,409
NARRATOR:
And that, kids,
is the very first thing

525
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,612
your cousin
Marvin remembers.

526
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,918
Gentlemen and ladies,
it'll be an hour or so...

527
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,887
(groans)
before the truck
gets here to give our

528
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,555
broken bus a tow.

529
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:26,125
So in the meantime I suggest
we all get nice and cozy.

530
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,661
We're gonna be here
for a while.

531
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,865
Uh, ring-around-the-rosy?

532
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,901
Yeah!

533
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:38,037
How far do you suppose it is
to the Farhampton Inn?

534
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,039
I'd say about five miles away.

535
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,908
Oh, no.

536
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,476
What's with the grin?

537
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,445
NARRATOR:
Then Marshall
looked up heavenward,

538
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,480
and swore by night's first star

539
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,882
five simple words
he'd soon regret:

540
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,451
I can walk that far.

541
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,255
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org