1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:03,737
NARRATOR:
Two days before Barney
and Robin's wedding,

2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,339
their reverend passed away,

3
00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:07,341
and the search was on
for a replacement.

4
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,410
(phone rings)
BARNEY:
Oh, boy, it's the creepy,

5
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,180
bug-eyed minister
from that culty church

6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,515
who kept asking us
if we're "pure enough to die."

7
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,384
He's our best lead.
I should get this.

8
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,019
James, unless
you have a minister,

9
00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,754
I don't want to hear it.

10
00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:22,590
You mean, like this one?

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00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,192
NARRATOR:
A few years back,

12
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:28,196
Barney's brother James finally
met his long-lost father, Sam,

13
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,064
who turned out
to be a reverend.

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00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:33,334
I know pronounce
your asses saved.

15
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,169
Whoa!

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00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:38,572
NARRATOR:
Reverend Gibbs wouldn't be
the only VIP arrival that day.

17
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,074
BARNEY:
Dad!

18
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,943
Barney. Oh, I can't believe
you're getting married.

19
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,079
You've grown up so fast.

20
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:49,417
Then again, I did miss
about 30 years of your life.

21
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:51,919
Did I mention we got you
two things from your registry?

22
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,422
Hey, can we buy you guys
a drink in a bit?

23
00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:55,923
Sure. We'll meet you
at the bar.

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00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,091
Yeah. (laughs)

25
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,426
Here.
All right.

26
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,693
Hey.

27
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,595
Oh. Whoa. Look.

28
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:03,097
My dad hasn't seen
my mom in years,

29
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,432
not since he bailed on her.

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00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:06,700
Oh, man, take it from a
fellow child of divorce,

31
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,269
this could
get real messy.

32
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,638
Loretta, good to see you.

33
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,740
You, too, Jerry.

34
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:15,943
(gasps)
Wow.

35
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:18,078
Yeah. Thank
God, no drama.

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They're in love!

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My mom and dad are getting
back together again!

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Uh-oh.

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00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:36,264
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

40
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,934
Hey, quick favor.

41
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,470
I want to give this
to Robin.

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00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,004
Gretzky's her hero.

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00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:46,073
She says his name sometimes
in bed. I've accepted it.

44
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,008
Can you, uh, hide it for me
till the rehearsal dinner?

45
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,810
The best man is on it.

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00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,979
Great. Now I'm gonna go get
my mom and dad back together.

47
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,281
They're totally in love.
I know. It's amazing.

48
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,482
I'm walking on air.

49
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,517
My family's gonna be
whole again!

50
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,787
Should we stop him or something?

51
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,789
The best man is staying
on the Gretzky thing.

52
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:07,094
* Well, I would walk
500 miles and *

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00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,464
* I would walk 500 more

54
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:15,703
* Just to be the man
who walked a thousand miles *

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00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:19,507
* Then falls down
at your door. *

56
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,974
Ha!

57
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:21,975
You're right.

58
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:23,511
That crap grows on you.

59
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:24,878
Again?

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00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:25,946
Proclaim it!

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(intro to song starts)

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Hey. So there I am,

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00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,952
lying in the wet, filthy sand
under the patio,

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00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,955
just minding my own business,
when my dad bumps into my mom,

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00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,890
and he says-- get this--

66
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,693
he says to her,
"Weather's improving, huh?"

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00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,061
(giggling)

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00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:45,065
It's like, why don't you
just do it already? Huh?

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00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,568
Barney, I know you've always
dreamed of a reunited family,

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00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,903
but... Jerry's married.

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00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,072
So what? Marriage is just
a meaningless piece of paper.

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I'm a lucky gal.

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00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,675
Sweetie, this just
isn't gonna happen.

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00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,910
Now, please promise me

75
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,946
you haven't already put
some crazy scheme in motion.

76
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,385
I haven't put
some crazy scheme in motion.

77
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,620
Why did you pause?

78
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,191
I didn't pause.

79
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,460
Why did you pause?!

80
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,003
Ah. Hey, there.

81
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,572
Hi.

82
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,874
Barney texted me
to meet him ASAP,

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00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:27,941
but the stairs
are wet.

84
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,243
No, broken.

85
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:30,944
Yeah, the stairs
are broken.

86
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,581
Yeah. I got the same text.

87
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(elevator thumps, stops)
Oh.

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Barney, Jerry has a wife.

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Oh, God, what did you do
to the wife?

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So, my husband

91
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,959
snuck off to go parasailing,
and he wants me to join him?

92
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,461
Yes.

93
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,600
Who is ready to rock it

94
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Scottish-identical-
twin-brothers style?

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* When I wake up

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(Scottish accent):
* Yeah, I know I'm gonna be

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00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,877
* I'm gonna be the man
who ends up next to you... *

98
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,747
Oh, man, I hope they're not
singing to the same girl.

99
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,616
Or to each other.

100
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:11,151
Shut up! Music sucks!

101
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,454
Scotland sucks! You suck!

102
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,490
Just drive, pumpkin head.

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00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:18,392
BARNEY:
Hey, guys, don't worry.

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00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:19,593
Help's on the way.

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00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,429
Oh! Thank you, Barney.
Thank you, honey.

106
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,830
In the meantime,

107
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,098
I'll try to keep you two
as comfortable as possible.

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00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,767
(R&B music playing)
* I said, bang...

109
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,602
Well, we don't need wine.

110
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,838
* Bang

111
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* Bangity bang...

112
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We don't need champagne,
either. We need help!

113
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This could be very unsafe!

114
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,780
Oh.

115
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,849
I'll say something.

116
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,852
No. You've had a whole
lifetime of this. Let me.
Oh.

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00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,354
Barney, are you thinking

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00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,989
you can get your mother
and me back together?

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Because I'm married.

120
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,493
My wife is right upstairs!

121
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,494
No, she's not.

122
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,095
What's that?
Nothing!

123
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,697
I'm just trying
to keep you refreshed

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00:04:56,730 --> 00:05:00,167
through this unexpected and
flukish elevator malfunction!

125
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,604
Here's some water!

126
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,839
Ah... drat.

127
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,307
Clumsy hands much, Barney?

128
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,309
Just disrobe
and send up those wet clothes.

129
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,979
You'll be cold, so I'll send
down strawberry warming gel

130
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and some cozy, zippered masks.

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(sighs):
Ooh.

132
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,219
(gasps)
My calligraphy ink!

133
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,155
I mean, the Gretzky photo!

134
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,560
Some bastard
snuck into my room

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00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,462
and spilled ink
all over the Gretzky photo

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I was holding for Barney.

137
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,532
Detective Mosby is on the case.

138
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:34,001
Oh, God,
that's horrible.
I know.

139
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It was a gift for Robin.

140
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,670
No, I mean,

141
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:39,640
"Oh, God, that's horrible.
Detective Mosby's the worst."

142
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,041
Mm, Detective Mosby is

143
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,976
the case-crackingest
private dick on the scene.

144
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,212
Really? Like that case
from eight years ago

145
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,014
you still haven't cracked?

146
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,549
I'm callin' it.

147
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Damn it!

148
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,222
My greatest failure.

149
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,090
I will solve this case.

150
00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:58,492
Now, there were
three people nearby

151
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,027
when Barney gave me
that head shot:

152
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:03,564
Karate Kid bad boy Billy Zabka,

153
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,934
a shifty-eyed bellhop,

154
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,236
and Robin's cousin Claude
from Quebec

155
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,238
with the neck trouble.

156
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:14,742
Right, 'cause an elaborate
conspiracy is much more likely

157
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:17,945
than you leaving the photo
next to an open ink bottle.

158
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:21,081
Thank you!
You can't even
detect sarcasm!

159
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,350
Why don't you just
try to fix the photo?

160
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,718
Don't you have ink remover?

161
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,086
Of course I have ink remover.

162
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,921
I'm not one of those sloppy,
punk calligraphers

163
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,256
who's in it
for glory over craft.

164
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,191
No, we got to solve this!

165
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,893
Now, the question is,

166
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:36,029
which of those three suspects
had the most cause to frame me?

167
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:40,033
The one that I replaced
as Barney's best man?

168
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,870
I'm coming for you, Mosby.

169
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,972
Billy Zabka!

170
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,708
Okay, real quick,
I need fresh-cut

171
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,110
English lavender, a copy of
Shakespeare's 18th sonnet,

172
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,580
and enough Nutella
to cover a 60-year-old woman.

173
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,049
Oh, great. You guys escaped.

174
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,217
Got rescued!

175
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,586
Are you okay?

176
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,053
A bit shaken up.

177
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,955
Being trapped
in an elevator is scary.

178
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,957
No, Barney lowered in a TV

179
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:07,160
showing some pretty
graphic 1970s pornography.

180
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:09,396
Still, a lot
of familiar faces in there.

181
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,998
Well, not just faces.

182
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,033
I'm gonna go
find my wife.

183
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,137
(sighs)
Nice job, bro.

184
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,973
Mom was just about
to get some action

185
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,509
for the first time
since she conceived me.

186
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,910
Barney, this has to stop.

187
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,077
You're being delusional.

188
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,146
Mom is not getting back
together with Jerry.
(sighs)

189
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,716
Because she's getting back
together with my daddy!

190
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,590
I see what you're doing.

191
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,792
You didn't bring your dad here
to marry us.

192
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,928
You want him to get back
together with Mom!

193
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,030
Which is completely insane,
by the way.

194
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:45,666
Um, my dad's single,
Mom's single.

195
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,635
Your dad's happily married
with two kids.

196
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,002
Which one makes more sense?

197
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,470
I agree. It's a tie.

198
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:51,705
What do we do?

199
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:52,973
You back down

200
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,474
and let me get my mom
and dad back together?

201
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:56,176
Um, how about you back down

202
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,145
and let me get my mom and dad
back together?

203
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,047
(scoffs)
I can already picture it.

204
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,315
(peppy music plays)

205
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:05,986
* We're reunited
and we're going so strong *

206
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:09,857
* My wife died parasailing
and I've moved on *

207
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,993
* And now our Barney-boy
will always be near *

208
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,963
* I'll come to live with you
and it won't be weird *

209
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,665
Of course not, Wuv-Wuv!

210
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,568
* Back together
and forever we'll be *

211
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,369
* Mom

212
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,905
* And Dad

213
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,974
* And Barney makes three

214
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,642
We love you, champ!

215
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,343
* And I'll live here, too,
since we're married *

216
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,647
* And I'm totally cool
with it! *

217
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:34,582
(scoffs)

218
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,684
That's completely insane.

219
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,586
This is how
it's gonna be.

220
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:42,656
* We're reunited
and I'm feeling so glad *

221
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,158
* I'm so much sexier
than Barney's dad *

222
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,594
(plays flourish)

223
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,930
* Back together, now
our life's right on track *

224
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:53,533
* But she's banging my dad
behind your dad's back *

225
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:58,005
* When you're at work,
I'm all over her rack *

226
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,840
* That's not true
* Yes, it is

227
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,041
* That's not funny

228
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,542
* Mom, break the news

229
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:05,178
* Okay, we're screwin'
like bunnies *

230
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,246
* I'll kick your ass

231
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,616
* I'd like to
see you try *

232
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:11,719
* Well, my dad would win
in a fight *

233
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:15,055
* No, my dad would win
in a fight *

234
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,089
* No
* Yeah

235
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,457
* My dad would win
* Yeah

236
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,526
* In a fight
* Yeah!

237
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,695
No, my dad would
win in a fight!
Nuh-uh!

238
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,964
Uh-huh!
Don't fight!

239
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,733
I'm marrying into this family.
BARNEY:
Stop.

240
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,334
You stupid!
I won't stop.

241
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,705
Where the heck is
this parasailing place?

242
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:32,940
(laughs)
You know what?

243
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:34,541
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call Jerry.

244
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,809
(beep)

245
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,144
Oh, that's weird.

246
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,946
I just lost cell reception.

247
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,748
Yes.

248
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,983
Weird.

249
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:48,088
Lot of pretty paintings
in this hotel.

250
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,057
I like how
they've been... framed.

251
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,793
I've noticed
the vintage, antique,

252
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,161
gilded Victorian frames, too.

253
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:57,330
I'm not blind...
but what are you getting at?

254
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,166
You know damn well
what I'm getting at!

255
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,068
You're jealous I got
the Best Mansmanship back,

256
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,136
so you destroyed that photo as
part of some diabolical scheme

257
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,072
to make me look bad.

258
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,140
I bet you even found some other
photo of Wayne Gretzky

259
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:08,008
so you could swoop in
and save the day.

260
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,509
You're insane.
Am I?

261
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:10,744
Yeah. Yeah.
Am I?

262
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:13,413
Where were you today
at 3:15 p.m.?

263
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,615
Right here
getting a massage.

264
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,818
Rocked a 60-minute
deep tish.

265
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,787
Now if you'll excuse
me, Detective,

266
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,689
I think I'll go
have some pineapple.

267
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,324
How do you know about that?

268
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,459
Everybody knows about that!

269
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,863
Excuse me?
Mm?

270
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,498
You destroyed that photo,
didn't you?

271
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:32,666
No, I didn't.

272
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,167
Admit it! I complained about you

273
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,436
to the bell captain,
so you got your revenge.

274
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,071
You complained about me?

275
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,474
No.

276
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,713
So, Claude...

277
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,115
I see that you're
a Montreal Canadiens fan.

278
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,118
Which means you hate
the Edmonton Oilers,

279
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,053
which is why you destroyed
the Wayne Gretzky head shot!

280
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,154
J'accuse!

281
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,056
C'est ridicule!

282
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,524
If it's so ridicule,

283
00:10:57,557 --> 00:11:00,527
how do you explain this?

284
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,395
Ah, seems
like I've caught you...

285
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,998
midnight blue-handed.

286
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,566
Oh, these.
Yeah.

287
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:09,169
I-I was out by the water when...

288
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:13,006
an elderly R-Rastafarian
hang glider...

289
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,342
he-he crash
onto a beached squid,

290
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:19,346
which squirted ink
when I ran in to help.

291
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,348
You really expect me
to believe that?

292
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,351
Story checks out.

293
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,353
Sorry, Claude.

294
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,922
De rien.

295
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,657
I don't get it.

296
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,424
We were bonding.

297
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:36,163
I can't think of
anything I did wrong!

298
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,998
Okay, I did a few things wrong.

299
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,266
For the last time,

300
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:43,136
I did not leave the bag of
oranges you bought on the roof!

301
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,375
No more breaking the
speed limit. And, uh,

302
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:52,112
thanks for flagging me down and
telling me she was going 67.

303
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,847
Just following the rules,
Officer.

304
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,984
Oh. She's also not
wearing her seat belt.

305
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,855
You are not allowed
to use that word!

306
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,024
Only we're allowed
to use that word!

307
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,193
I am so sorry.

308
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,094
I will never

309
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,863
call you or anyone else a...

310
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,799
Trekkie again.

311
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,101
But I apologized
and you accepted.

312
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,303
I even bought you more oranges.

313
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,077
Look, it wasn't you, okay?

314
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:27,280
Baby, I know your speech
at the Model U.N. is a big deal,

315
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,883
but I'm just not sure
I'll make it in time.

316
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,151
I'm trying.

317
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,385
You know what?

318
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,121
Don't bother coming.

319
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,993
So, back at the airport,
that story was true?

320
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:40,994
You have a daughter?

321
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,063
She lives with her dad.

322
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,033
And since I travel for work,
I miss a lot of stuff.

323
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,637
I only work as hard as I do
to provide for her.

324
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:54,074
But kids,
they don't understand logic.

325
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,276
Kids understand who shows up.

326
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,811
That's why

327
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,412
her dad's her hero...

328
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:03,083
and I get hung up on.

329
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,818
Go see your daughter's speech.

330
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,854
If you show up,
all will be forgiven.

331
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:07,988
Just drop it.

332
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,123
And drop me at home.

333
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,624
Then head out to your wedding.

334
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,193
End of discussion.

335
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,964
Barney,
even if your plan worked,

336
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,598
you'd be destroying
your dad's marriage.

337
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,700
Okay, you may have a point.

338
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:21,869
Can I suggest something?

339
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:22,535
(sighs)

340
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:23,536
Truce?

341
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,505
We both agree to drop this.

342
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,507
Agreed.

343
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,142
Hey, I got a replacement bottle

344
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,879
of 30-year Glen McKenna.
Okay.

345
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:34,047
Look, even if Mom
never gets back together

346
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,984
with either one of our dads,
we're still brothers.

347
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,019
It's not a competition.

348
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,154
(chuckles)

349
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,724
I win!

350
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,759
Hoo-hoo!

351
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:52,465
Get your damn
hands off my mom!

352
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,067
Get your damn hands
on my mom!

353
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:55,568
One on, one off?

354
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,704
What the hell is
going on here?

355
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,873
After you boys tracked Sam down
a few years back,

356
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,975
we got in touch.
We became friends again,

357
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:04,044
started hanging out.
And then one day,

358
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,313
she went from being
Loretta to being...

359
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,415
Lo-ret-ta.
(chuckles)

360
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,849
We wanted to wait
to tell you

361
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,184
because it's still new,

362
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,053
but it was inevitable
you'd find out

363
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,222
once Sam came
to perform the ceremony.

364
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,856
Is that what you
two call it?

365
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,992
"Performing
the ceremony"?

366
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,393
Oh, Sam's marrying you
tomorrow, dear.

367
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,063
Right. Thank
you, Reverend.
Look,

368
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:25,365
is there any way you guys
can be all right with this?

369
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,567
Of course I am!
(clears throat)

370
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,203
Barney?

371
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:33,106
I know I've been acting crazy
today, but...

372
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,375
I just have
one real question, Mom,

373
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,144
and I want an honest answer.

374
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,079
Is there a scenario--

375
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,080
and hear me out--

376
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,182
where you might consider

377
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,851
doing kind of a three-way deal
with both of our dads?

378
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,020
God! What is wrong with you?!
Oh, dude, come on!

379
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,089
(sobs)
That's what I thought!

380
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,961
It's time to
admit it, Ted.

381
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,429
You spilled the ink.
There's no conspiracy.

382
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:57,931
I guess you're right.

383
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,299
I mean, the only other person

384
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,634
who saw Barney give me
that photo...

385
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:02,936
was you.

386
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,704
(dramatic sting)

387
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,039
Hey. Idiot.

388
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:07,607
While you've been

389
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,110
playing detective,
I've been cleaning up your mess.

390
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,980
Look, the ink remover works.

391
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:13,947
I'm gonna
finish this.

392
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,083
You come clean to Barney.

393
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,417
(sighs):
Okay.

394
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,552
She's been
missing all day,

395
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:23,790
a-and I found what appears to be
a-a suicide note on my bed.

396
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,126
But it doesn't
really sound like her.

397
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:30,530
"I'm going to kill my--
wait for it-- self."

398
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,101
Is everything okay
with Mr. Zabka?

399
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:38,071
Wait. W-Wait. Why do you think
that's Billy Zabka?

400
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,573
(The Beastie Boys'
"Sabotage" begins)

401
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,675
WOMAN:
See?

402
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,677
The man from the
lobby got this massage.

403
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,679
A younger gentleman bought it
for him as a gift.

404
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:47,981
He even signed his name for him.

405
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,016
Right here.

406
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,997
I'm telling all y'all...

407
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,033
it's Zabka-tage.

408
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,368
* I can't stand it,
I know you planned it *

409
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:11,371
* I'm gonna set it straight,
this Watergate *

410
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,140
* I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here *

411
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,608
* 'Cause your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear *

412
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:19,279
* So while you sit back
and wonder why *

413
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,649
* I got this ... thorn
in my side *

414
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,217
(shouts)

415
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,219
NARRATOR:
Lily's second tackle
of the weekend.

416
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:29,856
* Sabotage.

417
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:31,658
Wakey, wakey.

418
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:36,963
DAPHNE:
Wait, this isn't...

419
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,398
It's your
daughter's school.

420
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,999
You need to go in.

421
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,035
She asked me not to come,
Marshall.

422
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,304
This doesn't make any sense.

423
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,139
Kids don't understand logic.

424
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:49,176
Kids understand who shows up.

425
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,498
People say
children are the future.

426
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,999
I say...

427
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,567
oil is the future!

428
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,003
Don't listen to these
gutless environmental sissies!

429
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,871
That's my baby.
Drill in the oceans!

430
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,440
Thank you.
Drill in the wetlands!

431
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,008
Pumpkin head.
Drill in the
national parks!

432
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,443
You're welcome.

433
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,011
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!

434
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,946
AUDIENCE (chanting):
Drill, baby, drill!
We should go.

435
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,349
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!

436
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,719
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!

437
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,087
Drill, baby, drill!

438
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,922
You said it was nuts

439
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:38,125
to think that my mom and dad
would get back together.

440
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,559
But that's what happened
for James.

441
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,061
I've been dreaming of that
since I was five.

442
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:45,031
Well, that and my own
operational Death Star.

443
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,100
But mostly them
getting back together.

444
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,102
Why does James get it
and I don't?

445
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,370
Well, think about it.

446
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,939
You have me,
your dad has Cheryl...

447
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:53,940
"So to summarize:

448
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:55,142
"I'm super dead,

449
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,444
"you should totally bone
Loretta,

450
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,211
"and I never

451
00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,979
loved you, Cheryl,"

452
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,982
which is misspelled.

453
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:04,751
...but James is going
through a divorce.

454
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,586
He just lost his family.

455
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:09,822
I-I know you've been
dreaming of this, but...

456
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,091
maybe he needs "Mom
and Dad" more than you.

457
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,397
So, Billy, did you really think
you could get away with it?

458
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,598
Actually, I did.

459
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:19,332
Ah.
I was gonna

460
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:20,567
give this to Barney

461
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,901
and say I'd driven an hour away

462
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,003
to get a replacement
from an autograph dealer.

463
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:25,805
First, I needed an alibi.

464
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,740
So I got Barney's dad a massage

465
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,976
but signed in my name.

466
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,413
Then I switched the Gretzky
head shot with one of myself.

467
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,982
I always travel with 2,000
of those handsome devils

468
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,017
in the trunk of my car.

469
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,689
I have so many questions
for you, but first...

470
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,958
you keep 2,000 head shots
of yourself in your trunk?

471
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,860
No one ever wants them!
They only want

472
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,163
the "good guy's" autograph!

473
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,765
In the '80s, I was the bad guy
in every movie.

474
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,335
Do you know what my life
has been like?

475
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:58,705
Every premiere,
when I came on-screen...

476
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,006
(crowd booing)

477
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,474
I wasn't a bad guy
in real life,

478
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,310
just a kick-ass actor.

479
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,811
No one got that.

480
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,979
It happened everywhere I went.

481
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:09,682
(crowd booing)
Somehow,
people always had popcorn.

482
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:13,686
25 years of getting
crane-kicked in the nuts,

483
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,390
until Barney Stinson gave me
the best moment of my life.

484
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:20,026
Hey. Hey, some issues
just came up with Ted, so...

485
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:21,194
will you be my best man?

486
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,395
Sure.
Thanks.

487
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:27,667
WOMAN:
Hello?
Mom?

488
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,669
(booing)
No, no, listen, listen.

489
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,071
I just became
somebody's best man.

490
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:35,575
(gasps) You can come
to Thanksgiving this year!

491
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,010
To Barney Stinson,
I wasn't a bad guy.

492
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:42,181
To Barney Stinson, I was
the best man.

493
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:45,785
I thought if Ted screwed up
again, I'd have another shot.

494
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,422
But I guess this time
I really was the bad guy.

495
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,057
Hey, Ted,
what's so urgent?

496
00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:53,826
I have something
to tell you.

497
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:54,994
(sighs)

498
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,497
I destroyed
that Gretzky head shot

499
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:00,199
and I couldn't fix it.
Billy saved the day

500
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:02,835
by getting a new one
from an autograph dealer nearby.

501
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,070
A-An hour away.

502
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:06,072
An hour away. Just be cool.

503
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,074
Awesome. Thanks, Billy!

504
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,242
(chuckles)

505
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:12,011
Ah.

506
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,013
And, Ted...

507
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,215
I really appreciate
that you told the truth.

508
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:18,084
Ow...
Psych!

509
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,519
Billy rules,
Ted drools,

510
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:20,553
Stinson out.

511
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,857
You're all right, Mosby.

512
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:28,027
NARRATOR:
And for an all too rare moment
that weekend,

513
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,529
everything was all right.

514
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,264
(elevator thumps, stops)

515
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,300
(R&B music playing)
* Bang bang

516
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,103
* Bangity bang
Um, Barney?

517
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,606
Is this your way
of saying you're supporting us?

518
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,274
BARNEY:
Yes! Go for it.

519
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,943
* I said bang
Consummate your love!

520
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,478
* Bang
Thanks, bro.

521
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:49,148
* Bangity bang
But this is super weird.

522
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:52,151
Super weird.

523
00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:53,185
* Bang bang.

524
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:58,891
Are we almost there?

525
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,494
Almost there.

526
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:05,097
Give me back my wife,
you son of a bitch!
(screaming)