1 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,205 NARRATOR: Kids, as you know, Lily and Marshall had decided 2 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,540 to move to Rome after Barney and Robin's wedding. 3 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:07,808 We're going to Italy. 4 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,310 Si. 5 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,744 But without telling Lily, 6 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,147 Marshall had then accepted a judgeship in New York. 7 00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,683 Good luck with that... Your Honor. 8 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:18,152 Until his always-helpful road trip companion 9 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,854 (phone ringing) Daphne had selflessly come to his aid. 10 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,856 You texted Lily that I took the job? 11 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,092 You're welcome. 12 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,159 You were torturing yourself 13 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,427 figuring out how to tell her, 14 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,861 I just broke the ice for you. 15 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:29,497 I was standing on that ice. 16 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,265 Now I'm gonna be bobbing, 17 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:33,601 facedown on a frigid creek. 18 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,370 I do not need to know the nasty way you apologize to your wife. 19 00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:39,973 And frigid? Maybe you're just doing it wrong. 20 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,877 Hi, baby. 21 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,846 I can't believe you did this behind my back. 22 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,715 I know, I should have talked to you. 23 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,217 Thanks to you, we are stuck 24 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:52,386 all weekend in the room with a ghost in it. 25 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,522 Room with a...? 26 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,790 We got 13? 27 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,360 The room that's haunted by the ghost of Captain Dearduff? 28 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,595 Who got the who with the what now? 29 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,444 NARRATOR: Marshall had recently discovered 30 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,279 that the Farhampton Inn was featured 31 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:21,048 in an episode of The Ghost Network's original series, 32 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,751 True & Real Ghost Stories of the Supernatural. 33 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,286 Ooh, there, see? 34 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:26,654 The Farhampton Inn. 35 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,156 I told you it sounded familiar. 36 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,057 TV NARRATOR: In 1843, 37 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,960 the streets of Farhampton, Long Island 38 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,595 were stalked by a vicious killer 39 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,498 named Captain Blazeby Dearduff. 40 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:41,101 Dubbed "Dearduff the Hooker," he murdered dozens 41 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:44,138 of unwary travelers with his sharpened hook. 42 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,474 Ironically that hook 43 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,442 would prove Dearduff's own undoing 44 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:51,245 (laughing maniacally) one wintry night in room 13 45 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,781 of the Farhampton Inn. 46 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,816 (fly buzzing) (grunting) 47 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,587 (yells) 48 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,855 Uh-oh. 49 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:04,458 He was found the next morning, frozen to death. 50 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,960 MAN: Boom! 51 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,798 Some say you can still hear Captain Dearduff's cries coming 52 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,166 from room 13. 53 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,334 Cold. 54 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:16,136 So cold. 55 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:19,673 Help me... help me... 56 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:23,777 MAN: We can see you, Ron. 57 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,380 Some say you can still hear the thump of his peg 58 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:29,317 and the scrape of his hook. 59 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:31,118 Others say Dearduff the Hooker was just 60 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,887 a popular male prostitute who murdered no one 61 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:37,458 and died of syphilis in 1848. 62 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,959 Let's hear from some people who have 63 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,295 actually survived a night in room 13. 64 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,463 (thunder crashing) 65 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,131 Did I see a ghost? 66 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,833 Of course... WOMAN: Yes. 67 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:46,834 There's... Are. 68 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,636 ...such thing as ghosts. 69 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,671 (Dearduff laughing maniacally) 70 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,075 So, have you seen the ghost? 71 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,378 Not yet, but that might just be 72 00:02:57,411 --> 00:03:00,314 because ghosts don't exist, Marshall! 73 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,216 So explain the night shirt 74 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,052 we saw flying around our cabin in the Poconos. 75 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,388 An owl got stuck in it. 76 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:10,190 We saw it fly out the neck hole. 77 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,593 Yeah, the ghost of an owl that died in that cabin. 78 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:16,364 Plus it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain... 79 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,999 The thermostat in my room is broken. 80 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,668 The AC won't turn off. 81 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,936 Ooh! 82 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,038 Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff. 83 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,775 He brings with him the icy chill of death. 84 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:31,412 So... bad luck there. 85 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,681 Night-night. 86 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:36,284 It sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff 87 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:39,086 as an excuse for a crappy room. 88 00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,220 I beg your pardon. 89 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,390 I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk 90 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,124 by making excuses. 91 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,726 Now, if there is anything wrong with your room 92 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:46,894 that isn't ghost-related, 93 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,462 I'm more than happy to address it. 94 00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:51,765 Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work. 95 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,301 Ghosts interfere with electronic devices. 96 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,435 The shower's leaking. 97 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,069 Dearduff likes the sound of dripping. 98 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,772 Reminds him of his bleeding victims. 99 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,374 And the door won't lock. 100 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,109 Captain Dearduff doesn't want to... 101 00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:03,777 you know, be locked out of his room. 102 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,646 Why would a locked door keep a ghost out? 103 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,948 Can't he just walk through walls? 104 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,450 Maybe he's afraid of rats. 105 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,352 There are rats in the walls? 106 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,956 No. 107 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:18,125 And the inn's booked up because of the wedding, 108 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,827 so we can't change rooms. 109 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:23,063 Oh, that sucks. 110 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,732 I'm sorry, baby. 111 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:25,933 Hey... 112 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,167 but if Dearduff does manifest, 113 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,569 you know the proper way to harvest ectoplasm, right? 114 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,738 (phone beeps) 115 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,740 Hey, good news-- we're all set for the dove release. 116 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,475 The what? When we leave the church, 117 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,143 they're gonna release a hundred doves. 118 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,479 It's gonna be avi-wait-for-it-ary. 119 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:39,813 Aviary! 120 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:40,948 Oh. 121 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,016 That might be a problem. Why? 122 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,452 Because when we leave the church, 123 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,620 a few of the gun enthusiasts in my family 124 00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,989 are gonna fire a 21-gun salute. 125 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:51,291 (bells tolling, doves cooing) Hey, man. 126 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,327 (gunfire) 127 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,600 (dove cooing) Oh, look-- one got away. 128 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,301 (gunshot) 129 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,303 Can't you guys just fire blanks? 130 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,373 At a wedding? (laughing) 131 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,508 Yeah, that's romantic. 132 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,911 (thunder rumbling) 133 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,683 (thunder crashing) 134 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,591 (thunder crashes) 135 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,027 (screams) 136 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,663 (grunts, groans) 137 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,633 Ted! 138 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,868 What the hell are you doing in my room?! 139 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,036 Uh... 140 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,638 NARRATOR: There was an explanation. 141 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,408 You see, after Marshall got off the phone with Lily, 142 00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:41,975 he'd called me. 143 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,577 (phone rings) 144 00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:45,012 Hey, buddy. What's up? 145 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,381 Ted, listen, I need you to sneak into Lily's room, 146 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,683 find her phone, and delete the last text she got. 147 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:50,484 Why? What's... 148 00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,219 Ted, I need you to do this 149 00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,487 no questions asked. 150 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:57,190 And as we both know, you owe me a "No Questions Asked." 151 00:05:58,291 --> 00:05:59,860 (phone rings) Hey. 152 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,195 TED: Hey. Listen, I need you to do something for me 153 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,331 no questions asked, okay? What is it? 154 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,700 Meet me at the corner of 53rd and 8th. 155 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,302 Bring your drill. (click) 156 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:14,908 TED: Marshall. 157 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,211 What the hell? 158 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,780 How did you... 159 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,214 No... 160 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,784 questions... asked. 161 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,286 I broke federal law drilling you out of that mailbox. 162 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,188 Hey, I was a man in need. 163 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,924 I know. You were a "Priority Male." 164 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,025 You said you'd 165 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,094 stop doing that joke after the editor 166 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,129 of Bazooka Joe comics rejected it. 167 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,798 That man is a comedy snob. 168 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,132 The point is, 169 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,634 you owe me a "No Questions Asked." 170 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,470 Okay, okay! I'll delete the text. 171 00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:43,737 Thank you. 172 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:45,138 I just have to figure out 173 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,774 how to get into Lily's room. 174 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:49,309 Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so... 175 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,644 The drainpipe! What? 176 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,613 There's a drainpipe that runs up near her window, 177 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,582 and, no big deal, I can totally climb it. 178 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,783 I'll call you when it's done. 179 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:56,917 Her door is unlock... 180 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,719 (click) 181 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,087 Uh... 182 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,322 Marshall wanted me to check on you. 183 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,324 He was worried that you might be scared 184 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,126 all alone in the ghost room. 185 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,828 Remind me to call you next time 186 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,163 Marvin has a nightmare-- you can calm him 187 00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:14,001 by bursting into his room with a chain saw and a hockey mask! 188 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,303 Sorry, I didn't want to knock in case you were already asleep, 189 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:18,572 so I just climbed the drainpipe up to your window. 190 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,273 No big deal. Mm, opened the latch 191 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:22,309 with this here coat hanger. 192 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,478 I would have called, but, uh... 193 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:27,581 well, I didn't know if you'd have your phone handy. 194 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,750 Say, where is that old phone of yours? 195 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,284 Ted, I am not scared, 196 00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,521 so why don't you head back to your room... 197 00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,622 (thunder crashes) (screams): Oh... 198 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,456 kay... 199 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,627 Why, I guess you can stay until I fall asleep, 200 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,629 if it'll make you feel better? 201 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,964 (thunder crashes) A-And... 202 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,999 maybe if it'll make you feel even better, 203 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,302 you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby? 204 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:50,704 Okay. 205 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,806 Okay. 206 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,776 * Night-night, little Lily 207 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,746 * No ifs, ands or buts 208 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,350 * No peg-legged ghost is waiting * 209 00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,153 * To hook out your guts. 210 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,655 Ted! 211 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,856 Sorry. Sorry. 212 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,558 Nighty-night. 213 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,161 (Ted humming lullaby) 214 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,498 (continues humming lullaby) 215 00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,234 (continues humming) 216 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,304 ETHEREAL VOICE (softly): Cold... 217 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,674 So cold. 218 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,210 Help me. 219 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,014 Help me... 220 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,184 Oh, God, the Hooker's here! Ted, 221 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,820 I am not gonna cheat on Robin. 222 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,890 But you're a hell of a best man for getting me one, buddy. 223 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,357 Where is she? 224 00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:45,693 All right, I'll take a lap dance. 225 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,728 Can I borrow some sweatpants? 226 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,434 (whispers): Barney, what are you doing in there? 227 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,603 Marshall asked me 228 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,105 to do something for him, no questions asked. 229 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,040 Sidebar-- I forgot to get my cousin David 230 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,775 something for his bar mitzvah last week. 231 00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:03,744 Could you send the hooker to his room? 232 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,946 Wait, Marshall called you, too? 233 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,582 NARRATOR: Turns out I wasn't Marshall's first call. 234 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,350 Can't you guys just fire blanks? 235 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,385 At a wedding? (laughing) 236 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,054 Yeah, that's romantic. 237 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:15,288 I just wish I would've 238 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,523 known about the guns. Well, 239 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,958 I wish I'd known about the doves. 240 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,627 That's the problem with us-- we don't think 241 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:22,462 about checking in with the other person before doing something. 242 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,631 Honestly, I think 243 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,633 that's what broke us up the first time. 244 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,635 We're both... lone wolves-- 245 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,903 always off in our own worlds. 246 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,606 That's not gonna work. 247 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,608 Not in a marriage, no. 248 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,744 What? Sorry, I was thinking about getting the doves 249 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,612 little Kevlar tuxedos, but that's not gonna work-- 250 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,614 there's no time for a fitting. 251 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:41,982 (phone rings) Hey. 252 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,951 Listen, I need you to get to Lily's phone 253 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,086 without her seeing, and delete the last text she got. 254 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,120 Why? What did you... 255 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,455 And I need you to do it 256 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:49,790 no questions asked. 257 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:53,827 As you'll recall, you owe me a "No Questions Asked." 258 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:57,631 (phone rings) Hello? 259 00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,133 Marshall, I need you to rush to the Macy's in Herald Square, 260 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,002 find the utility closet on the third floor, 261 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,470 and bring me the following things: 262 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,906 a clean pair of underwear, a clean pair of pants, 263 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,441 a box of moist towelettes, hand sanitizer, 264 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:11,945 and a garbage bag, no questions asked. 265 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,113 You deuced your pants. 266 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,685 Never mind. 267 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:21,121 Ha. You didn't wind up helping me, so it doesn't count. 268 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,522 Yes, I'm the one Face! 269 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,191 who should be embarrassed by that story. 270 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,959 But that wasn't the time I meant. 271 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,494 This was last fall. 272 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,763 Hey, I got here as fast as I could. 273 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,131 Are you okay? Yeah, fine. 274 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,966 Th-These quacks said I was... (scoffs) 275 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,836 unfit to leave on my own. Blah, blah, blah. 276 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,838 "Danger to myself." Blah, blah, blah. 277 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,140 "Whoever signs me out is legally responsible for my actions." 278 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,641 I just need you to sign me out. 279 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,676 What the hell happened? 280 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:43,977 Uh-uh! 281 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:45,846 I said no questions asked. 282 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:47,647 W... 283 00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:51,484 Star, clover, horseshoe. 284 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,486 Barney, did you swallow real versions 285 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,055 of all the Lucky Charms items? 286 00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:58,959 No... questions... asked. 287 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,694 Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying. 288 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,996 I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare. 289 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,366 Fine, I'll delete the text. 290 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,035 But how am I supposed to get into Lily's room? 291 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,337 Easy. The lock on her door is busted... 292 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,005 Air ducts! What? 293 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,307 I'll use the system of air ducts to get in her room, 294 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,476 just like the bad guy in Die Hard. 295 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,812 Barney, Bruce Willis is not the bad guy in Die H... 296 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,815 Not important. The point is, the door is not lock... 297 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,650 I'll call you when it's done. 298 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,485 ROBIN: Anyway, I was saying, 299 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,487 I think we need to be better about talking to each other 300 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,655 before doing stuff. 301 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,723 Can't talk. Doing stuff. 302 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,493 (grunting) (grate clatters) 303 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,495 What is going on? 304 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,931 (groans) 305 00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,767 Barney, what are you doing in there? 306 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:44,004 Uh, well, there is a story there. 307 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:47,274 It involves a trained Guatemalan kinkajou, 308 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,276 a Bolshoi Ballet prima ballerina 309 00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,879 and Olympic gold medalist Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard. 310 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,914 Tell her, Ted. 311 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,583 Uh... 312 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:58,551 uh... 313 00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,087 uh... The kinkajou... 314 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,622 the kinkajou... (knocking) 315 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:06,259 Oh, God, what is it now? 316 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:07,961 Good evening, Ms. Aldrin. 317 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,363 I didn't order room service. 318 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,232 It says right here, room 13. 319 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,367 Lobster, caviar, champagne. 320 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,136 $400?! 321 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,271 I didn't order any of this. 322 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,473 Maybe Dearduff the Hooker ordered it. 323 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:23,610 Well, I'm not paying for room service the Hooker ordered! 324 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:26,446 I've been there. LILY: Okay, 325 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,482 you know what? I need to talk to the manager. 326 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:33,787 All right, where's that damn phone? 327 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,956 You, too?! 328 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,290 (groans) 329 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,326 (phone rings) 330 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,461 Hey. MARSHALL: Robin, 331 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,130 I need you to delete the last text 332 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,497 that Lily got before she sees it. 333 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,633 Bro, it's my wedding weekend. 334 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:47,968 Just because you didn't know better 335 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,469 than to take a naked selfie 336 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,238 while you were in the coldest part of the country... 337 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,806 First, I'm an Eriksen. 338 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,142 Cold has a plumping effect. 339 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:58,311 Second, you owe me a "No Questions Asked." 340 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:01,748 All right, I'm-I'm at the alley near 22nd and 2nd. Now what? 341 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,616 ROBIN: No questions asked. Tell me about that giant trout 342 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,119 you and your dad caught ice-fishing that one time. 343 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,788 Well, it was more beast than trout. 344 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,291 Fought us for three hours and nearly dragged us both 345 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,960 into Lake Winnibigoshish. 346 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,694 It was this big, and... 347 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,429 (grunts) Hey. 348 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,165 Run! 349 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,306 I never asked you who those weirdos were, 350 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,041 why they kept calling you Night Falcon 351 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,543 or even what was in those darts that they were blowing at us. 352 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,212 Your vision came back, didn't it? 353 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,147 (sighs) Wuss. 354 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:35,782 Fine, I'll take care of it. 355 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,318 Just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room. 356 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,819 Her door doesn't lock. You can just... 357 00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:41,488 Room service! 358 00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,689 Night Falcon, you're a genius. 359 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,824 I'll call you when it's done. 360 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:47,827 Why would he call 361 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,796 you guys before me? Well, dude, 362 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,198 you're not great in a crisis. 363 00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,333 What was that story you were prattling on about? 364 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,634 What the hell is a kinkajou? 365 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,136 Okay, let's just find it before she gets back. 366 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,170 NIGHT CLERK: I'm sorry, ma'am. 367 00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,172 You ordered it, so you have to pay for it. 368 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,574 Not to mention the room damage you're responsible for. 369 00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,076 I've got a report here: 370 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,012 broken lock, faulty Wi-Fi, 371 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,380 you've taken several items from the minibar... 372 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,016 There is no minibar. 373 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,350 Stolen minibar. 374 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:12,352 It's not here. 375 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:14,221 Well, where else would it be? 376 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,388 Okay. 377 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:18,525 I think it's time I call my lawyer. 378 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:19,792 Uh-oh. 379 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,500 Okay, we need to get to Lily's phone before she sees that text. 380 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:28,868 I'm on it. Night Falcon is on it. 381 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,670 Good thing I packed my unitard. 382 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,538 (groans) 383 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,576 (panting) 384 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,179 This is exactly what we always do, isn't it? Yeah. 385 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,414 We were both gonna bolt off and lone wolf it 386 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,951 without telling the other person a thing. 387 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,954 Why do we do that? I don't know. 388 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:50,223 Maybe we're just incapable of working as a unit. 389 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,225 (sighs) 390 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,795 You know... 391 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:59,099 I bet even lone wolves can learn to work together. 392 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,969 I'd like to think so. 393 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:05,973 They could build their little woodland den together. 394 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,208 Roam together. 395 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,609 Hunt together. 396 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:12,112 Lure prey into a tight corner and... 397 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,414 BOTH: Snap its limbs with our powerful jaws 398 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,984 and watch the life drain from its eyes. 399 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,052 BOTH: Aw... 400 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:22,422 Point is, we're gonna make a great team. 401 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,557 We'll just need some practice. 402 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:28,128 Yeah. Yeah, let's prove that we believe in marriage 403 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,562 by working together 404 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,165 to help Marshall hide something from his wife. 405 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:39,006 ROBIN: First, we take position in the lobby. 406 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:44,144 BARNEY: Then you cause a distraction. 407 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,013 (silenced gunshot) (vase shatters) 408 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:49,816 ROBIN: Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone. 409 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,751 BARNEY: The dove drops the phone into your hand. 410 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,320 You delete the text 411 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,455 and toss it back on the counter. 412 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,957 * 413 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,527 Wait. (sighs) 414 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,462 It's absolutely insane... 415 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,798 ...how foolproof this plan is! 416 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,834 Sometimes it's best to just go simple. 417 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,569 Yep. 418 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,305 (coughing) 419 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,773 Wh-Why do you have a gun? 420 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,442 Why do you always have a gun? 421 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,476 (quietly): Where's Lily? 422 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,810 She went up 20 minutes ago. 423 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,279 You're kidding. 424 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,448 Courtney Dove, no! 425 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,050 I already lost Kurt Coo-bain! 426 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,185 I can't lose you as well. 427 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,354 Great. How are we gonna get Lily's phone back now? 428 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:28,888 Oh, I already took care of that. 429 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,357 And now I'm rewarding myself 430 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,292 with some of the inn's finest brandy. 431 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,193 Bottoms up. 432 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:34,194 Well, thank you. 433 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,195 No, no, that's a warning. 434 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,296 The dove's about to... 435 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,465 (cooing) 436 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,632 What happened? 437 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,334 Well... 438 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,537 I think it's time I call my lawyer. 439 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,406 (phone ringing) 440 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,978 Hi, baby. 441 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,381 You are never gonna believe this, but... (phone chimes) 442 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,150 Uh, someone sent me a text. 443 00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,752 TED: Lily, stop! 444 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,488 Why? 445 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,156 Because... 446 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,492 because... 447 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:06,993 NARRATOR: And that's when I realized 448 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,696 that the answer had been there all along. 449 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,099 Throw your phone on the ground and smash it with your foot. 450 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,200 What? No. I need you 451 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,168 to do this no questions asked. 452 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,071 You owe me a "No Questions Asked." 453 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:20,673 Hey, Lil. What's... Ted, I need you 454 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,409 to come to my classroom right now 455 00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:24,010 with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter. 456 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,778 No questions asked. 457 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,780 Lily, I brought the... 458 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,349 Oh-oh, my God. 459 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,617 Ted, 460 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,785 put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader, 461 00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,087 then cut me loose. 462 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,788 Don't make eye contact! 463 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:38,125 (children chanting) 464 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,359 Ted... 465 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:43,630 No... questions... asked. 466 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,536 (Lily stomping) 467 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,872 Well, interesting that I was the one who fixed everything 468 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,408 even though Marshall called me... 469 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,144 third. NARRATOR: Ninth, 470 00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,812 as I found out later, but I won't go into it. 471 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,414 The important thing is what happened 472 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:04,384 right after the untimely death of Lily's phone. 473 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,586 So you're saying you didn't order room service 474 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:09,289 and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine? 475 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:13,460 I am saying I did not order room service. 476 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,962 It is done. By me. 477 00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:18,798 Your third call. 478 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,400 Actually, you were... 479 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,735 Thank you. H-How did you do it? 480 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,637 I called in a "No Questions Asked" with Lily. 481 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:25,972 But, wait, why didn't you do that? 482 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,407 You must have, like, a million of those. 483 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,309 And Marshall thought back. 484 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,577 Hello? 485 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,678 Hey, baby, it's me. 486 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,513 Um, can you come bail me out of jail? 487 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,982 I thought I saw Bigfoot in Central Park 488 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:37,350 and so I tackled him, 489 00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:40,620 but it turned out to be Russell Brand. 490 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,655 Hey... 491 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:45,992 Oh, do you mind looking up our vaccination records? 492 00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:49,629 I tried to hug a raccoon. 493 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,798 Hey, babe, um, 494 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,099 could you dig up our warranty? 495 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,768 I took the TV apart, and I made 496 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,137 a robot out of it. 497 00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,272 (phone rings) Hello? 498 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:00,507 Hey. 499 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,942 I tackled Russell Brand again. 500 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,812 I've never asked Lily to do anything no questions asked 501 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,614 because... 502 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,149 I've never wanted to. 503 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,851 She's the love of my life. 504 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:15,722 I never keep anything from her. 505 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,591 (sighs) Ted, put Lily on the phone. 506 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,061 Hey. It's Marshall. 507 00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,733 Want to tell me what's going on? 508 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,635 Yes. 509 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,404 I was offered a judgeship in New York. 510 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,139 And I took it. 511 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,976 Even though we already agreed to move to Rome. 512 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,011 I'm gonna be a judge. 513 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,082 Lily? 514 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:47,654 You know, Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts, 515 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:51,258 and I'm not sure anyone died in our room, 516 00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,760 but someone's going to. 517 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,728 (thunder rumbles) (Dearduff laughing manically) 518 00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:07,940 "And I see in your eyes the emerald reefs 519 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,343 "of the primordial seas afroth 520 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,078 "with the first stirrings of life, 521 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,681 "infinite in mystery and miracle. 522 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,182 "Forever yours, 523 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,685 "the guy you met at the drugstore an hour ago. 524 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,620 "I heard you give your address to the pharmacist 525 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:23,290 while I was buying foot powder." 526 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,325 Yeah. 527 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:31,998 Mailed it. 528 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,471 (grunting) No! No! No, no! 529 00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,508 (grunts) 530 00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:08,134 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org