1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,472 TED: Look at this, 2 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,474 your wedding weekend. I know. 3 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,676 This close to finally having sex again. 4 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,244 It's been forever. 5 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:11,679 Oh, you and Robin been abstaining? 6 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:12,980 Talking about you, Ted. 7 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,915 Now here's the deal: every hookup 8 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:17,585 at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday night drinks. 9 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,387 Get stuck with the wrong girl 10 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,589 tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend 11 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,358 is a self-five, and I don't mean the cool kind. 12 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:27,027 (chuckles) Self-five! That's the cool kind. 13 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,396 Well, that's a big decision. 14 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,364 The biggest. 15 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,601 It brings to mind that religious text 16 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,703 which we hold most sacred: 17 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:39,240 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. 18 00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:42,009 Remember? They entered a chamber. 19 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,612 Really? I'm the one working with the Nazis? 20 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:48,015 Ted, just... just... okay? 21 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,251 Yeah. They had to choose 22 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,520 which cup was this special cup. 23 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,122 I forget what it was called, 24 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,023 but it's like the Holy Grail of cups. 25 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,626 It was the Holy Grail. Of cups, exactly. 26 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:01,962 So the Nazi confederate chose, and... 27 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,265 (quietly): Please don't make me do that... 28 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,634 Ted, Ted, the confederate Nazi chose, and...? I... 29 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,302 Okay, okay. 30 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:10,003 Oh. 31 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,310 And so, now, I'm gonna explode. 32 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,280 He chose... 33 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:20,681 poorly. 34 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,752 Then Indy picked a cup, and... 35 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,558 You chose... 36 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,025 wisely. 37 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,030 (playing surf guitar) 38 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,334 So choose wisely, Ted. 39 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:43,437 To help you decide, I spent all day yesterday 40 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,672 picking your top three prospects. 41 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,073 And I helped. 42 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,575 It was either that or writing our vows. 43 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,076 Uch! Gag. 44 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:52,346 Sophia was Robin's college roommate, 45 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:55,349 and she's apparently "a bit of a screamer" in the sack. 46 00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:56,784 Yeah, during sex, 47 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,019 she sounds exactly like a car alarm from the '90s. 48 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:04,124 You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah. 49 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,626 Dudes love it. 50 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,696 Cassie is the daughter of my mom's best friend. 51 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:12,132 Sad story: 12 years ago, her gymnast career 52 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:16,237 was tragically cut short when her boobs got too big. 53 00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,706 Grace is a new coworker. 54 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,542 She's had six different positions at the firm, 55 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,611 and that was just at the Christmas party. 56 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,213 Ooh. 57 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,714 So, Grace doesn't arrive till later, Mm-hmm. 58 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,383 I recommend (whistles) Sophia. 59 00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:34,222 I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her. 60 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,224 I guess it's decided, then. 61 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:38,058 Ted, right? Yeah. 62 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,627 I'm Cassie. 63 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,729 Oh... something tells me 64 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:45,266 that we are gonna have a lot of fun this weekend. (chuckles) 65 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,403 (quietly): Cassie. I pick Cassie. 66 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,408 You chose... 67 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,410 poorly. 68 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:12,593 Hey, there's our minister. 69 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,795 Oh, what a sweet-looking old... 70 00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,865 Ah! He looks scary. 71 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,333 Looks can be deceiving, Lily. 72 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,601 But not in this case. 73 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,135 He's a mean old tool. 74 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,674 Oh, he can't be that bad. 75 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,809 I'll get him to come around. 76 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,779 Hi, Reverend. 77 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,415 I'm Lily Aldrin, the maid of honor. 78 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,116 Not too much honor. 79 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,319 You're dressed like a whore. 80 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,622 (mouthing) 81 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,793 So what's going on? Why aren't you telling your wife 82 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,361 you got an offer to be a judge? 83 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:49,697 Lily had her heart set on us moving to Rome, 84 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,599 so I have to tell her in person. 85 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,767 That way, I know that I can convince her 86 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,469 that we need to stay. 87 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:58,772 In the courtroom, they call me The Convincer. 88 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,708 They really call you that? 89 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,777 I convinced them to call me that. 90 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,479 But you have to prepare for your court cases. 91 00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,781 Did you prepare for talking to Lily? 92 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,216 I don't need to prepare, okay? 93 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,719 I can craft a nice... 94 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,354 thingy. 95 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,457 Oh, wow I'm totally... 96 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,791 the twisty metal thingy? 97 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:18,726 You're screwed. 98 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,394 I'm screwed! 99 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:21,829 (both laughing) 100 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,897 I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know. 101 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,166 I'm just so tired of this routine: 102 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,901 we flirt, we have a few drinks, 103 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,338 and then we end the night with meaningless sex. 104 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,473 Oh... 105 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,608 yeah. 106 00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,243 Me, too. 107 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,512 Do you want to start the night with meaningless sex 108 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:39,813 and then flirt later? 109 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,181 You are a visionary. 110 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,616 (laughs) 111 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:43,617 Come on. 112 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,618 (phone rings) 113 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,854 Oh! Oh! It's work. 114 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,922 Should I get it or ignore it? 115 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,824 Or get it? Oh, or ignore it? 116 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,192 Um... Or get it? 117 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,527 You know? Go ahead, get it. 118 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,862 Okay. (clears throat) 119 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,464 Hello? 120 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,367 You chose... 121 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,634 poorly. 122 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,836 I'm fired? 123 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,805 But teaching there was my dream job! 124 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,774 And you guys are my only friends. 125 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,843 You all hate me? 126 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,312 Can I at least say good-bye to all my kids? 127 00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,716 My kids all hate me?! 128 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,317 (sobbing) 129 00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:18,452 Oh! 130 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:21,221 Oh... It's okay. 131 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:25,893 So, what were we about to do? 132 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:28,328 I think it was "meaningless" something? 133 00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,563 Meaningless socks? No. 134 00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:30,698 (sobbing) 135 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,533 No, it wasn't meaningless socks. 136 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,568 Hey, hi, hi, hi. 137 00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,470 Um, so, a little problem. 138 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:40,541 I was trying really hard not to offend your minister... 139 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:44,412 So how did you and your husband meet? 140 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,415 Oh, it was our first week of college. 141 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,750 I needed help hooking up my stereo, 142 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:53,421 so I walked down the hall, and I just knew 143 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:54,822 I should knock on this one door. 144 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,824 Marshall opened it. 145 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,258 It was destiny. 146 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,260 Hi. Hi. 147 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,863 We've been together ever since. 148 00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,466 Excuse me! 149 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,368 What did I do wrong? 150 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,572 What did you do wrong? 151 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:14,374 We really wanted him to marry us. 152 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,610 His church has cute coming out the wazoo, 153 00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:18,712 but when we met with him... 154 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,581 No pets in my church. 155 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:23,050 No casual attire in my church. 156 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:26,286 No gum. No sports logos... 157 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,021 Reverend? More like Never-end. 158 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,624 Prayer-five. No shouting. No cell phones. 159 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:31,859 I'll warn you 160 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,962 that I turn down most wedding requests. 161 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:38,632 Particularly from boozy, promiscuous Manhattanites 162 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:41,301 who only want me to marry them because 163 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:45,473 my church has "cute" coming out the wazoo. 164 00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,742 That is the total opposite of us. 165 00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:51,311 People are like that? 166 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,880 Well, then, how did you two meet? 167 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,616 Oh, um, um... 168 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:56,884 Um... 169 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,419 Uh, we've been... dating since college. 170 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,955 We met the very first week. 171 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:04,658 I needed help hooking up my stereo, 172 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:07,895 so I walked down the hall, and I just knew 173 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,930 that I should knock on this one door. 174 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,832 BARNEY: I opened the door. 175 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,433 And it was destiny. 176 00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:16,937 Hi. 177 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,672 Hi. 178 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,908 BOTH: We've been together ever since! 179 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,343 You stole our story of how we met?! 180 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,779 We had to! Your story is so sweet! Mm. 181 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,648 You didn't even kiss till the third date. 182 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,517 By our third date, I'd hit more bases 183 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:32,085 than Bob Hope on a USO tour. Topical. 184 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,522 Now Reverend Lowell knows that we lied to him. 185 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,790 What if he cancels our wedding? 186 00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,526 What? That's ridiculous. 187 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:39,793 Barney, Robin, I need to speak 188 00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:41,729 with you in private immediately. 189 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,665 And it's not just losing my job, 190 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,868 my car just got stolen with all my stuff in it. 191 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,837 And now I think I'm getting the flu! 192 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,672 I'm sorry. 193 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,807 I've been talking for, like, a half an hour. 194 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,943 It's fine. 40 minutes. It's fine. 195 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,812 Still, I think I would be able to handle all of this 196 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,548 (voice breaks): if my boyfriend Wesley 197 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:03,817 hadn't just broken up with me! 198 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,986 (sobs softly) 199 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,757 (inhales deeply) 200 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,828 Why don't you tell me about it? 201 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:17,731 Okay. I should go back to the beginning. 202 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,499 Oh, no, before the beginning. 203 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,734 Winter, 1998... 204 00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,469 Man, this girl is a drag! 205 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:26,574 If I hurry, I bet I still have a shot with Sophia. 206 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,976 Okay, I'll get one more drink with Cassie, then bail. 207 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,644 But where, bar or dining room? 208 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,846 Bar or dining room? 209 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,048 For my fourth date with Wesley, we went to... 210 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:38,185 Cassie, let's get one more drink in the dining room. 211 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,053 You chose... 212 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,190 Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! 213 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,425 Hey! We just ordered appetizers. 214 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,560 Sit down, you two! 215 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,797 ...Ha-poorly! 216 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536 Marshall, you're walking into the biggest fight of your life. 217 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,006 You have to be prepared. You have to be tough. 218 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,674 I am tough! No, you're not. 219 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,009 You make some good points. 220 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,877 Now, what exactly are you gonna say to Lily 221 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:04,912 when you walk through that door? 222 00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,614 Okay. 223 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:07,781 Hey, baby. 224 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,449 So, listen, I got this phone call... 225 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,784 DAPHNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 226 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,219 You haven't seen her in a week. 227 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,454 Where's the "I missed you. How about a kiss?" 228 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,123 Nothing about her new hairstyle? 229 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,758 Hairstyle? I can't actually... 230 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:18,826 Start over! 231 00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,128 Lily! Hi. 232 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,562 Mmm. 233 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,631 I missed you. 234 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,933 And your hairstyle so much. 235 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,635 DAPHNE'S VOICE: I missed you, too. 236 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,638 I can't wait to show you how much in bed tonight. 237 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,905 Okay, that's creepy. 238 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:32,973 Don't break character. 239 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,642 Okay, um... 240 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,144 So, listen, I got this phone call last week, and I... 241 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,812 DAPHNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 242 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,714 Acknowledge her own views on the matter first. 243 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,015 Start over. 244 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,217 Lily, hi, mwah. 245 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,819 I missed you and your hairstyle so much. 246 00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,254 DAPHNE'S VOICE: I missed you, too. 247 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,090 Okay, so, I know that you're excited for Rome. 248 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,992 I'm more excited for bed tonight. 249 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:56,664 While I was away, uh, I got a phone call. 250 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,231 To be a judge. 251 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,566 What the damn hell?! 252 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,834 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 253 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,836 Lily does not say "What the damn hell." 254 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,271 Well, I've never met her but, yes, she does. 255 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,006 You make some good points. Wow. 256 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,875 You are terrible at this. 257 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,177 (sighs) Why did we lie? 258 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,812 We have to come clean. 259 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,514 Frankly, I am appalled. 260 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:15,849 I know. I... Your friend 261 00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:19,286 Lily just tried to pass off your sweet story 262 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,989 of how you met as her own. 263 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:26,093 That lying little tart! I am horrified and relieved! 264 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:30,030 Does Lily have any... problems that you're aware of? 265 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,298 Drinking. Drugs. 266 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:34,702 BOTH: She's been drinking drugs. 267 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:35,869 LOWELL: Well, 268 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,838 I talked to Barney and Robin, 269 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,873 and, let me say, I'm shocked. 270 00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:41,274 You should be. 271 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,110 Flat-out lying to me like that? 272 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,846 We are not misunderstanding each other. How dare you 273 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:48,849 pretend their beautiful story is actually your own. 274 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,617 Come again for Lil' Fudge? (chuckles) 275 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,885 I understand the temptation. 276 00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,854 They're such a sweet couple. 277 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,288 I mean, the way they call each other 278 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,858 Barnmallow and Robinpad. 279 00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,127 (chuckles) Oh. 280 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,795 LILY: Yes. 281 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:04,197 I do steal their stories. 282 00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:05,899 Mm-hmm. But only because 283 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,167 my husband and I 284 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,303 are so ashamed of how we met. 285 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,240 See, we only met because his friend Ted 286 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,742 fell in love with me. 287 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,309 And who could blame him? 288 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,677 Hey, Marshall. 289 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:18,812 See that girl? 290 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,147 Oh, yeah. 291 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,015 You just know she likes it dirty. 292 00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,250 Go say hi. What? 293 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,585 I can't just go say hi. I-I need a plan. 294 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,254 Hmm. I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom... 295 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,255 Hi. 296 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,657 Have you met Ted? 297 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,658 MARSHALL: I'm sorry, 298 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,693 I can't... 299 00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,162 LILY: And now, after years of lying, 300 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,363 cheating and backsliding, 301 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,765 here we are, married! 302 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,599 But what can I say? 303 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,068 My husband's a sociopath 304 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,770 who's slept with over a hundred women, 305 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:46,039 and I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up. 306 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,274 Oh, come on! 307 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,042 I felt him up! It is over 250 women! 308 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,278 If you two want to get married in my church, 309 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,346 you'll stop breaking the ninth commandment. 310 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,182 Uh... no fat chicks? 311 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,683 Thou shalt not lie! 312 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,919 With fat chicks? 313 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,254 You're killing me. You're killing me. 314 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,622 Now that... 315 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,057 was a good dessert. (Cassie sighs) 316 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,794 "Dessert" sounds like "desert." 317 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:10,197 The desert has sand... 318 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,232 there's sand at the beach... 319 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,267 and Wesley and I 320 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,403 once drove by a beach. 321 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,404 (sobbing) 322 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,306 Excuse me. 323 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,408 (sobbing) 324 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,210 TED: Now's my chance to leave. 325 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,812 No, I'll wait five more seconds 326 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,213 so I don't seem too eager. 327 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,214 Four... 328 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,249 three... two... 329 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,084 Well, thanks for keeping our daughter company. 330 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,652 Man, she can be a real drag, huh? 331 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,856 We're gonna go have a little fun. See ya! 332 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,291 (laughing) 333 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,128 You're on fire tonight, bro. 334 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,397 But, Lily, being a judge is my dream job. 335 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,999 DAPHNE'S VOICE: So your dream job 336 00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,667 is more important than my dream job? 337 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,669 Exactly. Now you're getting it. 338 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,004 (clicks tongue) Nope. 339 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:52,005 Start over. 340 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,406 So your dream job's 341 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,242 more important than my dream job? 342 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,011 But, baby, you already have the best job in the world: 343 00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,412 Mom. Nope. 344 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,848 Start over. 345 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,015 So your dream job's more important 346 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,683 than my dream job? 347 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,686 Hey, I gave up peeing in the shower for you. 348 00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:07,754 Nope. 349 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,788 Start over. 350 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,023 So your dream job's 351 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,925 more important than my dream job? 352 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:12,993 Of course not. 353 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,194 But this isn't 354 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,996 just about our future. 355 00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,464 It's about everyone's. 356 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,866 As a lawyer, 357 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,200 I couldn't stop big oil from polluting, 358 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,801 but as a judge... 359 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,003 well, maybe I can. 360 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,737 And that's why I took the job. 361 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:26,706 You've just been "convincered." 362 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,008 Wait. 363 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,877 You already took the job? 364 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,711 Without even talking to your wife? 365 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:33,280 Start over. 366 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,814 Start over... start over. 367 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,749 What the damn hell?! 368 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,819 Hi, Reverend Lowell? 369 00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:41,821 Whew! Made it through my half. 370 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,290 You're up. 371 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,391 Oh. Uh... 372 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,826 The-the truth is, we-we have 373 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,495 a complicated, messy history 374 00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,197 that-that we're not too proud of. 375 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,331 But... 376 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:52,900 we're sorry that we lied, 377 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:56,403 and hope that you can forgive us. 378 00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:01,341 Nope, I can't do it. 379 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,376 You're going to have to find a new officiant. 380 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,744 Okay. 381 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:05,845 Well, these things happen. 382 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:06,914 And a new church. 383 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,115 What the damn hell?! 384 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,186 TED: This evening could not get any worse. 385 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,122 Whenever you're ready. Crap! 386 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:18,325 Hey, Ted. 387 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,093 Thanks for being so great. 388 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:22,095 I'm lucky to have you around this weekend. 389 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,097 Ooh, yeah... 390 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,498 About that... 391 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,401 I should really go see about the, uh... 392 00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,337 So, sex? My room is very close. 393 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,105 (Cassie laughs) 394 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,340 TED: Sophia. Hi. 395 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,774 Oh, God. Wesley. 396 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,010 Wait. Wait, you're Wesley? 397 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,511 Hey, Cassie. (laughs nervously) 398 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,880 Your parents were just saying you have a new boyfriend. 399 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,083 "Boyfriend" is a little premature. 400 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,384 Though I did pay for dinner. 401 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,954 Ted and I are very happy. 402 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,288 Are we? 403 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:49,389 (crying): Even if... 404 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,458 he'll never replace you. 405 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,994 (sobbing) 406 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,297 So, Sophia. Hi. 407 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,265 I'm Ted. 408 00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,133 Robin's friend. 409 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:01,901 What do you say we give these two old flames 410 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,903 a chance to... catch up alone, 411 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,372 and maybe you and I could go get a drink. 412 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,906 Are you hitting on me? Dude! 413 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,175 Ted, let's go! 414 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,414 You tip... 415 00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:17,184 ...poorly. 416 00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,124 Look, I know. I shouldn't have taken the job 417 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:25,325 without telling Lily. 418 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,994 Why are you so ticked off about it? 419 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:29,129 Because I know what she's going through. 420 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,397 I always dreamed 421 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,599 of having a career I could be proud of, 422 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,901 but my husband never supported me. 423 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,003 Eventually, 424 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,838 I had to... make a choice. 425 00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:39,906 Now, every day, 426 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,308 I'm out there, 427 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,176 I'm fighting for the good guys, and I love it. 428 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,411 Doesn't 429 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,013 your wife deserve that, too? 430 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:50,150 Wow. Um, maybe you're right. 431 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,453 I didn't realize how many sacrifices you'd made. 432 00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,156 What is it you do, anyway? 433 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,025 I'm a lobbyist for a big oil company. 434 00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,492 What the damn hell?! 435 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,163 You know that I'm an environmentalist! 436 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,032 That's why you don't want me to become a judge. 437 00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,533 But you're the reason I have to become a judge! 438 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,935 You're the devil incarnate! And outcarnate! 439 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,071 Every kind of carnate! 440 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:13,873 Please, is-is there 441 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,108 any way you'd reconsider? 442 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,643 No! No, no! 443 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,978 You two are both terrible people. 444 00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:21,881 Who found each other in this crazy world! 445 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,350 Aw! 446 00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,985 And who lie about how they found each other. 447 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,121 So, please leave now. Just... 448 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,223 Ugh! Ugh! 449 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,459 You know what? You're right. 450 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,994 We shouldn't have lied about our story. 451 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,064 I love our story. 452 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,066 Sure, it's messy, but it's the story 453 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,334 that got us here, about to get married. 454 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,570 I love it, too. 455 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,572 Every messy chapter. 456 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:48,208 I love that you slept with over 250 women 457 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,243 before deciding that I was your favorite. 458 00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:51,411 This is killing me. 459 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,080 And I love that we just had 460 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,547 to keep having sex with each other, 461 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,216 even when we were dating other people. 462 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:57,517 This is really killing me. 463 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,252 And I love that your marriage proposal 464 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:01,388 involved a strip club, lying to me, 465 00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:05,258 and pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months. 466 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:06,593 I love that we keep a running tally 467 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,428 of all the different rooms we've had sex in. 468 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,564 I love that two weeks ago, we put this room on that list. 469 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,533 Huh? Come on, Rev. 470 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,702 That's got to be worth some kind of reaction, right? 471 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:18,105 I mean, right where your hymnal is, is where we... 472 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,207 we... 473 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,277 (laughs) 474 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,624 Well, that's not what you want. 475 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,727 (crying and kissing) 476 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,962 (crying, sniffling, kissing) 477 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:44,731 Um, are... are you okay? 478 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:48,135 I think... think maybe seeing your ex was a bit much for you. 479 00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:50,403 No. Not at all. 480 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:52,405 I want... only you. 481 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,141 Oh, yeah. 482 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:57,277 I want to... I want to rock your world. 483 00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,546 And you're so hot. (sniffling) 484 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:03,283 I want to ride you like a bronco. 485 00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:05,552 (sobbing) Okay, Cassie. Cassie. 486 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,620 Yeah, we... we can't do this. 487 00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,055 I mean, you're crying. 488 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,290 (coughing) 489 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,558 And contagious. 490 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,992 You're-you're having 491 00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,327 a really, really bad week. 492 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,329 I think... I think you should just 493 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,998 take it easy. 494 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,099 You're right. 495 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,469 I'm not in a good place. No. 496 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:23,603 Oh, wow. 497 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,572 I probably would have let you do 498 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,341 all sorts of crazy things to me. 499 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,543 (sighs) 500 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,446 Exactly. 501 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,482 I release you. 502 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,684 Go have fun this weekend. 503 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,452 Meet someone else. 504 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:41,321 TED: Yes! Yes! Be cool. Okay. 505 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,256 NARRATOR: But I couldn't meet someone else. 506 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,258 Hey, Ted? Yeah. 507 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,626 Everyone here is saying 508 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,628 you and Cassie are the couple of the weekend. 509 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,096 How great is that? 510 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,031 NARRATOR: Barney was right. 511 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,701 I'd chosen poorly, everyone had seen us together, 512 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,803 and now the whole weekend seemed lost. 513 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:59,339 Until... 514 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,674 Hi. I just got here. 515 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,610 Did I miss anything? 516 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,546 Not at all. Grace, right? 517 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:09,716 I'm Ted. Let's get you a drink before you talk to anyone else 518 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,084 or hear anything. 519 00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,121 Hey, guys. How's your night going? 520 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,356 Ugh! Ugh! 521 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,225 Our minister just died. 522 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:20,126 We can still use the church, 523 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,061 but we only have two days to find a new officiant. 524 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,230 Unless... 525 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,531 BARNEY: Wedding at Bernie's! 526 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,533 We're not doing Wedding at Bernie's! 527 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,402 Wow. Oh, that's terrible. 528 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,404 Should I make a toast in his honor? 529 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,072 (mouthing): No... no, no, no... 530 00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,441 Of course I should. 531 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:36,743 Everyone? 532 00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,411 To Reverend Lowell. 533 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:40,380 He may have passed away 534 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:41,748 tonight, but he will always... 535 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,783 Uncle Robert died?! 536 00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:46,319 Oh, no. 537 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,588 (crying) 538 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,526 (high-pitched crying) 539 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,694 (sobbing) 540 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,663 Have a nice weekend. 541 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,532 NARRATOR: All that night, I did nothing but choose poorly. 542 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,401 But thanks to Cassie, 543 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,436 I didn't get together with anyone at that wedding. 544 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:05,272 And if I had, 545 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:08,775 well, then, your mother and I might never have met. 546 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:12,679 So, maybe, in a way, I chose wisely. 547 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,747 SOPHIA: Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee! 548 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,616 Although, it sure as heck 549 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,351 didn't feel like it at the time. 550 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,586 Aah! Aah! Aah! 551 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,288 (sighs) 552 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,189 She chose... 553 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,457 Wesley. 554 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,792 (chuckling) 555 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,895 I've been dying to say that one all night. 556 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,297 SOPHIA: Boo-uh! 557 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,299 Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. 558 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,800 The truth is, you're right. 559 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,436 It was wrong of me to take that job without telling Lily. 560 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:39,472 I don't need to be tough with her. I need to be fair. 561 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:41,140 Thanks, Marshall. 562 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,310 I should also apologize. 563 00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:45,445 While you were filling the tank, 564 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,147 I may have been so angry, 565 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:51,318 I texted your wife with the news 566 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,820 that you took that judge offer. 567 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,655 (phone ringing) 568 00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,824 Don't forget to compliment her hair.