1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,872
ROBIN:
So, the hairdresser shows up

2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:06,574
at 2:00 on Sunday.

3
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:08,042
Great, and while you do that,

4
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:09,210
I'll check in
on the ring bear.

5
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,145
I'm sorry.

6
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:14,982
You're saying
"ring bearer," right?

7
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,417
Ring bear.

8
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,087
Okay, look into my eyes and say,
"I promise that I'm not bringing

9
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,721
a dangerous wild animal
to our wedding."

10
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:21,789
(chuckles)

11
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,192
(beeping)
I...

12
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,095
Oh, that's the shuttle

13
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:29,029
with our elderly relatives
pulling up.

14
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,432
There's nine steps between
the bus and that front door,

15
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,033
which means we've only got
about 45 minutes

16
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,268
until they get inside.

17
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:36,404
We won't have a
moment to ourselves

18
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,039
once those old bastards
latch onto us like leeches,

19
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,608
but they're family
and I love them.

20
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,843
(chuckles)
Living link to history.

21
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,112
Oh, God.

22
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,346
This is gonna be rough.

23
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,780
My great-grandparents

24
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,849
never stop bickering,
but I guess that's

25
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,018
what happens when you've
been married for 60 years.

26
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,853
60 years.

27
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,123
Man, when was the last time
you think they had sex?

28
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,959
Probably not since the
Maple Leafs won the cup.

29
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,229
(chuckles)
1967.

30
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:04,031
That's not gonna be us, right?

31
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:08,102
Like, when we get married,
it's not all fighting, no sex?

32
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,070
What? No way.

33
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,973
It's us, R-Train and B-Nasty.

34
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,909
That will never happen.

35
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,149
BOTH:
We have to have sex right now.

36
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,083
Aw.

37
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,799
NARRATOR:
Kids, as you recall,
Uncle Marshall

38
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,101
had gotten kicked off
his flight home from Minnesota

39
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,671
and was now high-tailing it
across the country

40
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,106
with another stranded traveler
named Daphne.

41
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,107
How's it going, baby?

42
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,108
Fine.

43
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,810
Except the flames of Lucifer

44
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,812
keep singeing our back bumper
as we drive

45
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:55,183
through this hellish,
cheese-infested wasteland.

46
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:57,451
Wisconsin?
Wisconsin!

47
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,019
Packers country.

48
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,454
But don't worry,

49
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,956
the Eriksen men are repping
the purple and gold

50
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:04,458
like two bosses.

51
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:07,695
Go, Vikings!

52
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,797
(giggles)

53
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,132
And how are you doing, Daphne?

54
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,535
Not bad, considering
Marshall's been spouting

55
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,604
Vikings trivia
for the last hour.

56
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,005
Do you know
"I don't care"

57
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,040
led the league last year

58
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,610
in "dumb sports stuff"?

59
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,611
MARSHALL:
Anyways, listen,

60
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,678
I should be back in time

61
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,013
for the rehearsal dinner
tomorrow.

62
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,448
Oh, the rehearsal dinner.

63
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,318
Daphne, you should have seen
the dress I was gonna wear.

64
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,786
Up top,
it packed the gals together

65
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,389
like opening night
of a Sex and the City movie.

66
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,958
And down south,
it made mama look like a dream

67
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,961
Sir Mix-A-Lot would never want
to wake up from.

68
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,764
Ooh, what happened
to that dress?

69
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,068
(screaming)

70
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:51,639
The drunks at the dry cleaners
destroyed it.

71
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,074
(slurps loudly)

72
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,076
Thank you, Linus.

73
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:57,511
Okay, Lily, I have to go.

74
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,180
I have to alert the villagers
that there is

75
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,015
a Viking amongst them.

76
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,651
Oh...

77
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,186
(blowing horn)

78
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,155
Marshall's driving
through Wisconsin?
Yep.

79
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,058
Ooh, is that
your toast?

80
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,926
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'm just

81
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,028
gonna wing mine.
'Cause if you get up there

82
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,597
and speak from the heart...

83
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,532
things good...

84
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,200
mouth words...

85
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,335
memory

86
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,336
times.

87
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,937
Can I take a peek
at your speech?

88
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,539
Uh, no. I...

89
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:29,377
"Have a drink
with my favorite students,

90
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:32,045
see one last sunset
over the Hudson."

91
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,747
Ted, your speech sucks.

92
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:37,084
Well, it's no "mouth words,
memory times."

93
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:40,120
But if you must know,
it's, uh... it's not a speech.

94
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,256
What is it, then?

95
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:44,958
NARRATOR:
A week before the wedding,
I realized I couldn't stay

96
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:46,760
in New York any longer.

97
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:50,030
So I decided to start fresh
in Chicago.

98
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,865
It's a list of all the things

99
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,634
I want to do
before I leave New York.

100
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,703
Okay, I don't know
which I hate more:

101
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,271
the fact that you're moving away

102
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,773
or the fact that I'm the only
one that knows about it.

103
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,442
Why won't you tell anyone?

104
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:04,812
You don't drop a bombshell like
that this close to a wedding.

105
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,748
No, that's an excuse. You have
been avoiding Barney and Robin

106
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,116
since the carousel.

107
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,318
And now
on Monday,

108
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:12,920
you're running away to Chicago.

109
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,154
I'm not running away.

110
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,823
I'm moving on.

111
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:19,226
This list isn't written by
someone who's ready to move on.

112
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,062
It's written by someone
who loves New York.

113
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,566
I mean, "Fix graffiti
on 96th and Amsterdam"?

114
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,635
I hated looking at it.

115
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,438
(clicks tongue, sighs)

116
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,139
(paint spraying)

117
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,144
"Buy the whole bar
a round of drinks."

118
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:38,145
Mm-hmm.

119
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,447
Hey, everyone.

120
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,948
Next round's on me!

121
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,950
(cheering)

122
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,952
Yeah!
(patrons chanting "Ted!")

123
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,019
Ted?

124
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,656
Hey, everyone.

125
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,290
Next round's on me!

126
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:52,960
Can I have a double bourbon...

127
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,529
No doubles!

128
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,332
"Say good-bye
to the Empire State Building."

129
00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,000
Bro.

130
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,435
What?

131
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,203
Sometimes I go...

132
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,806
talk to her about life.

133
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,441
TED:
And I just hate the thought

134
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:09,843
of leaving you, Empy,

135
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,846
but my gut tells me
my future's in Chicago.

136
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,648
What do you think?

137
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,183
(deep male voice):
You need to move.

138
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,785
Oh, my God, r-really?

139
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:18,986
Are-are you sure?

140
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,187
Yeah, I'm sure.

141
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,955
You can't just
stand there talking

142
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,024
to a building and petting it.

143
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:26,460
Wait, are you one
of those freaks

144
00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:28,696
who's sexually attracted
to buildings?

145
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,130
An objectophiliac?

146
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,199
No way.

147
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:34,635
Then why do you know
what they're called?

148
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,904
Why do you know
what they're called?

149
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,073
(moaning)

150
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:42,075
Wait. Wait, wait. You know
what would really prove

151
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:43,844
we're not some old
married couple?
Mmm.

152
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:46,146
Doing it somewhere
we're not supposed to.

153
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,715
(gasps)
No, not what I mean.

154
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,583
Oh.
Like the elevator
or the pool cabana.

155
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,151
Uh, how about the roof?
Oh...

156
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,620
(both chuckling)

157
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:56,156
MAN:
Who gets married this far away?

158
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,825
WOMAN:
And the humidity.

159
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,192
BOTH (quietly):
They're here.

160
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:02,095
What do you say we make
this bang a home game?
Yes.

161
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:04,698
We're locked out.

162
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,066
I guess we could try
the back door.

163
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,668
(gasps)
Of our suite.

164
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:08,902
Oh.
There's a back door.

165
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:09,903
No, I locked it.

166
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:10,938
(sighs)
Okay, it's fine.

167
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,105
We'll race down
to the front desk

168
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,273
and get a key
before anyone notices us.

169
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,108
(sighs)

170
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,711
Too late. It's like we're
in a zombie movie.

171
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:18,912
Seriously.

172
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,180
They move at
a slow shuffle,

173
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,682
they moan a lot and,
if given the chance,

174
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,050
they chew your ear off.

175
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,618
But they're family
and I love 'em.

176
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:25,919
Their wisdom is priceless.
(chuckles)

177
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,956
"Finally tell
my upstairs neighbor

178
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,725
how I've been feeling
all this time."

179
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,093
(sighing):
Yeah.

180
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,930
Hi. Um, I live
downstairs,

181
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,733
and, well, I've always wanted
to say this to you, but...

182
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,234
I've never had the guts.

183
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,271
So here goes.

184
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,874
Are your shoes made of lead?!

185
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:50,043
Because you are the loudest
upstairs neighbor in history!

186
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,813
Oh, oh, and you suck
at the bongos! But, hey...

187
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,615
(chuckles)
keep practicing!

188
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,116
In the middle of the night!

189
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,985
Before any important interview
I've ever had!

190
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,723
"Come clean about April 26."

191
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,258
What happened April 26?

192
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,561
Uh...
(chuckles)

193
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:10,063
Can you believe people used to
actually swim in those things?

194
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,765
(old-timey):
"Meet me at Coney Island, see?

195
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,167
"I'll be doing the Charleston
atop my giant-wheeled bicycle

196
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,770
in an era where folks
inexplicably talked like this."

197
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,940
(chuckles)

198
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,709
Ted.

199
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,479
Whoa.
(chuckles)
Hey.

200
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,481
Hey, bud, I was just
about to take, uh,

201
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,517
Lily's rehearsal dinner dress
to the dry cleaner.

202
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:30,951
Oh, that's too bad.

203
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,286
Because, uh, I was just watching
The Princess Bride

204
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,088
when something occurred to me.

205
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,925
How, at the end, Andre the Giant
hooks 'em up with those horses

206
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,192
and then Inigo Montoya is like,

207
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:42,963
"Fezzik, you did something
right." And it's like,

208
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:46,433
"Bro, Andre's been doing
stuff right the whole movie:

209
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,102
"knocking out serpents,
busting down castle doors,

210
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,939
"basically carrying your
revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass,

211
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,007
"so instead of being
a patronizing jerk,

212
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,943
"how about a simple,

213
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,946
'Hey, thanks
for the horses, bro.'"

214
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,148
That's totally
what you were thinking, right?

215
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:04,051
No, I... No, I came over...

216
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,019
God, that's a really good point.

217
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,220
Yeah.

218
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,957
But here's my point.

219
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,525
And your point.

220
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:15,128
(chuckles)
Why haven't we done this
in forever?

221
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,865
Ted, you know damn well
why we haven't.

222
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:21,168
(both grunting)

223
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:23,370
(shouts)

224
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,005
(Ted and Lily scream)

225
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,406
Sorry, Lily.
Sorry, Lily.

226
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,008
I almost killed my wife, Ted!

227
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,711
I almost killed my wife!

228
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,045
I almost...

229
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:34,047
(both grunting)

230
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,183
Yah!

231
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,184
"Hello!

232
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,652
My name is Inigo Montoya!"

233
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,020
"You killed my father."

234
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,022
"Prepare to die!"
"Prepare to die!"

235
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,592
(both grunting)

236
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,664
TED:
Whoa.

237
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,966
You son of a bitch.

238
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,174
I loved that dress
you cut in half.

239
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:06,046
It was the perfect combination
of slutty and classy.

240
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,447
Well, what about
your backup dress?

241
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,217
Oh, it's just classy, Ted!

242
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,619
(slurps)

243
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,054
Thank you, Linus.

244
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:15,522
Look, I'm really sorry.

245
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,757
No, it's not good enough.

246
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,091
Since I'm being

247
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,460
forced to wear something
I don't want to,

248
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:24,064
you should have to wear
something you don't

249
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,066
want to.

250
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,805
Why am I the only one
being punished?

251
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,707
Marshall's just as responsible
for your dress as I am.

252
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:34,708
Yeah, but he's

253
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,943
in the middle of Wisconsin.

254
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,612
How am I gonna punish...

255
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,313
DAPHNE:
Say cheese!

256
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,984
Go, Pack, go!

257
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:50,457
(quietly):
I'm sorry, Dad.

258
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,093
There's got to be someplace
to bang around here.
I'm starving.

259
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,161
I knew we should've hit
the buffet when...

260
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,329
(grunts)
Don't say "buffet."

261
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,498
That attracts old people.
Same goes for "coupon,"

262
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,433
"60 Minutes"
and "Mandy Patinkin."

263
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,670
W... Robin,
you're being paranoid.

264
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,672
Old people don't magically
sense it

265
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,074
when you say "Mandy Patinkin."

266
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,443
(echoing whisper):
Patinkin...

267
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,845
Quick, the ice machine room.

268
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,546
It's too cold
for them in there.
Oh.

269
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,152
I'll protect you, Robin.

270
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,288
You'll always be safe with me.

271
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,157
(screams)
Take her!

272
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,128
You bitches best get out
of my hiding spot.

273
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,998
The only thing not checked off
on this list is

274
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:34,134
"scotch with Barney."
That's the easiest one on here.

275
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,503
You a avoiding him.

276
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,505
I'm not. We've both been busy.

277
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,174
Besides, Marshall and I
are saving that scotch

278
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:43,176
to have a drink with Barney
before the rehearsal dinner.

279
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:46,513
Because it's not just
any bottle.

280
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:50,150
It's a $600
Glen McKenna 30-year.

281
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:53,120
NARRATOR:
What I didn't know
at the time was...

282
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:57,825
I told those idiots these
death rods are not welcome here.

283
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:01,028
What is it with
dudes and swords?

284
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,130
Oh, this is fun.

285
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,099
Oh, yeah, and it's so cool
when I go like this.

286
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,340
Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya.

287
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,507
You killed someone I love!

288
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,409
Prepare to dance!

289
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:20,213
NARRATOR:
Yes, kids, that's what your
Aunt Lily thought the line was.

290
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,314
(growls)

291
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,083
Ha! Whoo!

292
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:25,252
(both grunting)

293
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,755
Ha!

294
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,422
(both gasp)

295
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,325
We'll switch it with this
cheap bottle of whiskey.

296
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,161
You peel the label
off the Glen McKenna.

297
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,028
On it!

298
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,930
Then we'll pour the... Robin!

299
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,598
Damn, that's smooth.

300
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:41,201
Pour it into
the other bottle!

301
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,208
Wait. The color's
not dark enough.

302
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:55,949
Still not right.

303
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,818
I think it was a
little redder.
Mm-hmm.

304
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,993
Okay, now
the consistency's off.

305
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,363
(sighs)

306
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,399
Yeah.

307
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,267
Looks good.

308
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,137
I mean, look at the color.

309
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,672
It's almost
chocolaty in its richness.

310
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,975
The reddish hue.

311
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,245
Something that looks
sort of clumpy.

312
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,914
Oh, yeah, I-I read about that.

313
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:31,718
Isn't the Highland region
known for its clumps?

314
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,653
Thanks, Lily.

315
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:36,790
I'm very aware
of the Highland Clumps.

316
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,126
You know what?
I think I'm gonna sneak a taste.

317
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,262
What? But-but Marshall's
not even here yet!

318
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:45,265
Ah, a quick nip won't hurt.

319
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,670
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

320
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,806
(sniffs)

321
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,286
She's breathtaking.

322
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:08,956
You avoiding
the family, too?

323
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:12,993
I'm gay, I'm black,
and I'm getting a divorce.

324
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,295
Those walking skeletons are
gonna have more questions for me

325
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,330
than their pharmacist.
(chuckles)

326
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,266
But they're family
and I love 'em.

327
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,667
The greatest generation.

328
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,602
Smother me before
I'm that age. (laughs)

329
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,937
What are you two doing?

330
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,172
Oh, we're trying
to do it

331
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,673
someplace naughty.
(gasps)

332
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:27,674
Not what I mean!

333
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,142
That-that is never
what I mean!

334
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:29,977
(sighs)

335
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,179
We're trying to sneak in
one last bang

336
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,181
'cause we're afraid
that the magic

337
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,316
might fade
after we get married.

338
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,784
Are we being crazy?

339
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,020
That is what happened
with me and Tom.

340
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,024
But it doesn't mean
it's gonna happen to you.

341
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,158
I won't let it.

342
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,660
Whoa-whoa, you can't
go out there.

343
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,129
It's suicide.

344
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,164
Consider it
your early wedding gift.

345
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:58,005
Why does the brother
always die first?

346
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,408
Aunt Muriel!

347
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,051
Aunt Muriel!

348
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,154
Aunt Muriel?

349
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,155
James!

350
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,156
Where's Tom?

351
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,824
I have a gay question for you.

352
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:21,061
How do you decide
which one...?

353
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:22,495
No, no...

354
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,531
No!
He's gone, Barney.
He's gone.

355
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:25,565
James!

356
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,537
Okay, you go check out

357
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,072
the second floor
for open rooms.

358
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:33,941
I'm gonna go
check out the gym.

359
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,708
No, no, no, that
gym has a sauna!

360
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,378
You know my Papa Sid can't go
ten minutes without a schvitz!

361
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,446
What about the
gazebo out back?

362
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:40,880
Next to the lawn bowling court?

363
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,282
Get your head out of your ass.

364
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,217
It looks like they're casting
Cocoon Three out there.

365
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,186
Oh, what about
the business center?

366
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,221
A room full of computers?
That's perfect.

367
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:52,225
Technology is their
compression-sock-covered
Achilles Heel!

368
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,594
Whoa.
What?

369
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,629
Stay safe, R-Train.
You too, B-Nasty.

370
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,730
Mmm...
Mmm...

371
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:58,765
Ah!

372
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,202
Ooh, my, I found Waldo.

373
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,570
(laughs)

374
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,974
What's this list?

375
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,414
Whose is this?

376
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:17,284
NARRATOR:
I was faced with a tough call:

377
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,818
come clean about Chicago

378
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:21,088
or cleverly lie my way
out of it.

379
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:24,824
Oh, well, you see...

380
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,159
mouth words...

381
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,227
memory times...

382
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,262
It's mine. It's my list.

383
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:32,099
It's everything I want to do
before I go to Italy.

384
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,302
Oh. You want to say good-bye
to the Empire State Building?

385
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,839
Sometimes I go
and I talk to Empy.

386
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:40,907
That's kind of weird.

387
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,109
Is "weird" the right word?

388
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,910
Seems pretty
reasonable to me.

389
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,146
Maybe even kind of cool.

390
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,581
"Have a drink
with my favorite students."

391
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,283
Lily, you taught kindergarten.

392
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,086
That does seem
pretty irresponsible.

393
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,755
"Come clean about April 26."

394
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,857
You told Ted
about our sword fight?

395
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,526
Wait-- you-you guys
had a sword fight?

396
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:00,660
Maybe a tiny one.

397
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:03,130
I was pretending
to be Mandy Patinkin.

398
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,565
(echoing whisper):
Patinkin.

399
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:14,607
But it was no big deal.

400
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,043
No big deal?

401
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,045
We destroyed
their 30-year Glen McKenna

402
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,313
and replaced it with cheap
booze, ketchup and hand sanny.

403
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,314
I knew it!

404
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,315
You knew nothing!

405
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:23,450
(phone rings)

406
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,352
Hello.

407
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:28,055
The third floor's a ghost town,
tons of empty rooms to bang in.

408
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,222
Hurry. I've started without you.

409
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:31,024
I mean, I love you.

410
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:31,991
Got to go.

411
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,526
Bye.

412
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:35,962
(sighs)

413
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:36,963
We made it.

414
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:37,964
(both laugh)

415
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,999
(both moaning)

416
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,001
MURIEL:
Remind me to put

417
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:45,305
a five-dollar bill in
Barney's wedding card,

418
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,340
you know,
to get 'em started.

419
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,178
(giggles)

420
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:52,179
(chuckles)

421
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,846
MAN:
No, Elizabeth.

422
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,982
Leave the dentures in.

423
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,517
WOMAN:
Mmm!

424
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,054
BOTH:
I never want to have sex again.

425
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,156
Aw.

426
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,857
(groans)

427
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,727
They broke our $600
bottle of scotch?

428
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,597
Well, I'm not wearing
this abomination anymore.

429
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,934
Put it back on.

430
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,114
I can't believe my great-
grandparents still do that.

431
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,781
I never imagined
a walker being used

432
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,950
for anything
other than walking.

433
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,920
Plus, how about those balls
dragging all over the ground?

434
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,088
Barney.

435
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:38,225
No, the tennis balls
on the bottom of the walker.

436
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,059
Oh.

437
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:44,231
Plus, his testicles were
swinging like a broken yo-yo.

438
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,399
Still, when you
think about it:

439
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,967
married for 60 years

440
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,802
and they still want to
jump each other's bones.

441
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:54,073
I mean... it's
kind of sweet.

442
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:57,076
In 60 years,
that'll be us, right?

443
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,912
Yeah, it will.

444
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,150
(both chuckle)

445
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,152
So, what do you think, hmm?

446
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:06,953
On the count of three?

447
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:07,954
Hmm, okay.

448
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,456
Okay.

449
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:12,625
BOTH:
One, two, three.

450
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,661
Mandy Patinkin.

451
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,665
Oh, wow.
Look at you.

452
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:20,099
Thank you for
making it...

453
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,068
We got lucky.

454
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:26,005
The Farhampton Liquor Store
is actually pretty high-end.

455
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,541
Oh.
And their security
is a total joke.

456
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,712
Thanks.

457
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:37,116
And thanks for not telling Robin
the list was mine.

458
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:39,085
But I don't get it.

459
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,487
You're so against me moving.

460
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,088
Why'd you help me out?

461
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:42,989
(sighs)

462
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:46,826
For a guy who loves New York
this much,

463
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:51,798
to leave it,
you must really need to go, huh?

464
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:55,034
Yeah, I really do.

465
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:59,472
Okay, but there's still
one item left on this list.

466
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:00,940
Time to check it off.

467
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,175
Yeah, I should
probably wait

468
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,376
for Marshall.

469
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:06,379
Well, we both know
he may not get here in time.

470
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,116
Be honest.

471
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,151
Have you been avoiding Barney?

472
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,788
Maybe a little.

473
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,226
This is the biggest weekend
of his life,

474
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,060
and you're his best bro.

475
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,130
No matter how awkward you feel,

476
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:29,001
i-if you're not there for him,
you will always regret it.

477
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,640
Okay.

478
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,442
Hey, Ted.
Yeah.

479
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:40,713
You wrote down all these things
to say good-bye to,

480
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:43,883
but so many of them
are good things.

481
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,185
Why not just...

482
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,255
say good-bye
to the bad things?

483
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:52,859
Say good-bye to all the times
you felt lost.

484
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,562
To all the times

485
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:58,631
it was a no instead of a yes.

486
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,570
To all the scrapes and bruises,

487
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,405
to all the heartache.

488
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:08,575
Say good-bye to everything
you really want

489
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:11,411
to do for the last time,

490
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:15,014
but don't go have
one last scotch with Barney.

491
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:19,051
Have the first scotch
toasting Barney's new life

492
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,086
because that's
a good thing,

493
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,355
and the good things

494
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,091
will always be here
waiting for you.

495
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,261
What?

496
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,630
Turn the page.

497
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,736
"Get one last life lecture
from Lily."

498
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:38,738
Well, you're dreaming

499
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,673
if you think
that's the last one of those.

500
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,744
(sighs)

501
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,123
Ah.

502
00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:59,125
Been waiting for the
perfect time for this,

503
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:00,727
and, my friend,
that time is...

504
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,762
I saw you and Robin
at the carousel.

505
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,198
Captioned by
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