1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,737
NARRATOR: Kids, this is
the story of the night

2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,473
Barney's life
completely fell apart.

3
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,175
My life is finally perfect,

4
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,077
and that is never
going to change.

5
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,145
Fired up for dinner
with my mom tonight?

6
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,813
Yeah. To help streamline
the rest of our lives,

7
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,916
you can always assume my answer
to that question is no.

8
00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,885
W...
I'm pretty nervous.

9
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,354
Nervous? Why?
It's just gonna be two hours

10
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:23,557
of "I love Barney the most."
"No, I love Barney the most."

11
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:25,726
You're right. I may not even
get a chance to talk.

12
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:26,727
But I'm still--

13
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:27,861
I-I don't know. I'm worried

14
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:29,697
she won't think
I'm good enough to be engaged

15
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,732
to her precious
little Love-Love.

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00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,535
Okay, first of all,
it's "Wuv-Wuv."

17
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:35,369
And second,

18
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:36,770
don't worry.

19
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,106
I'm just gonna drop off
our catering deposit,

20
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,940
and then I will
be there for you.
Mm.

21
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:41,075
Okay, well,
please don't be late.

22
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,443
I am counting on you tonight.

23
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,612
And be careful--
that's 5,000 bucks in there.

24
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,848
Uh, I think I'll be okay
walking four blocks here

25
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,284
on the Upper East Side.
(chuckles)

26
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:56,924
(grunting)

27
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:59,193
Please, I swear I never talked
to the North Koreans!

28
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:00,628
Unless you are
the North Koreans, in which case

29
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,029
I never talked
to the South Koreans!

30
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,531
MAN (menacingly):
Barney Stinson,

31
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,033
you are being
kidnapped.

32
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,802
For your surprise
bachelor party!

33
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,671
(both laughing)

34
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:25,219
A kidnapping.

35
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,420
Respect.

36
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:27,821
I was secretly worried

37
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:30,424
you might not be able
to pull off my bachelor party.

38
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,326
Yeah, it wasn't that secret.

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00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,762
You two?
Planning my bachelor party?

40
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,131
(chuckles)
Look, you seem like nice kids.

41
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,999
But this is a sacred event,

42
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:41,602
a man's rite of passage
with his bros.

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His... bro mitzvah!

44
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:45,506
You didn't just
think of that.

45
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:46,740
You've been saying it
for months every...

46
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:47,941
But here's my dilemma:

47
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,244
my average night is like
an average guy's bachelor party.

48
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,313
So, no offense,
but if you two plan it,

49
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:55,115
it's gonna be ordi--
why wait for it?-- nary.

50
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,684
Ordinary.

51
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:57,518
I can help.

52
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:58,919
You?
(chuckles)

53
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,854
Look, you seem like a nice kid,

54
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:01,955
but bros' fiancées

55
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,324
cannot plan bachelor parties.

56
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:04,992
Sorry. You two are on your own.

57
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,727
And you will disappoint me.

58
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,097
But make it great, okay?

59
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,166
But this is a strong start.

60
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,602
The students
have become...

61
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,004
the intermediate
students.

62
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:19,207
I just have
to make one call.

63
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:22,443
(phone rings)
Hello.

64
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,977
Robin, great news!

65
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,813
I've been kidnapped
for a surprise bachelor party

66
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,348
so I won't be there
at all!

67
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:30,150
What? Barney, I-I can't
do dinner with your mom alone.

68
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,986
Okay, I'll call her,
make up an excuse and cancel.

69
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,988
And don't worry,
I'll take all the blame.

70
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,291
Hold on.

71
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,392
Hi, Wuv-Wuv.

72
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:40,060
Hi, Momsies.

73
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,996
I forgot, I'm mentoring an
underprivileged child tonight,

74
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:46,400
and Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with you by herself,

75
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,001
so we're not gonna be able to...

76
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,403
Don't bother.
She's already here.

77
00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:51,839
Hold on.

78
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,174
Robin? Too late.
She's already there.

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00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:55,809
Barney, don't...

80
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,579
Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with me?

81
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:00,080
Great! We're all set then.

82
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,749
Don't you leave me alone
with her. I told you...

83
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:04,352
That problem is solved.

84
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,086
So what's the plan?

85
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,155
Well, you know the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?

86
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,090
Yeah.

87
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,092
You know the
secret penthouse

88
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,928
in the top of the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?

89
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,997
Yeah!

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00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,999
Boom! There it is.

91
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,768
Visible from our window.

92
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,103
In the distance.

93
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,171
Behind the refinery.

94
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,073
Okay, you can't
quite see it.

95
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:28,909
Why are we outside
Atlantic City?

96
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,511
Well, we thought it was best,

97
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,514
what with your weakness
for games of chance.

98
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,882
NARRATOR:
Kids, Barney was addicted

99
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,384
to one Chinese gambling game

100
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:39,287
that was, well,
sort of complicated.

101
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,454
But don't worry.

102
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,122
Back when you were
engaged to Quinn,

103
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:45,025
you told us everything
you wanted for tonight.

104
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,961
A bachelor party is a man's...

105
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,598
bro mitzvah!

106
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:51,965
Did you just think of that?

107
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,302
Totally! We can wear...

108
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,304
bro-mulkes...

109
00:03:56,337 --> 00:04:00,308
spin the bro-del...

110
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:03,043
and consult the wisdom

111
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,979
of the Bro-rah.

112
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:09,317
Written in... He-bro.

113
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,652
Not at all
bro-ffensive.

114
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,121
Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas--
and I'm just spitballing here--

115
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:15,756
so take 'em or leave 'em.

116
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,659
Booze, duh; cigars, duh;
strippers, duh...

117
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,428
Ooh! Things should get so
crazy that at some point

118
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,995
we should fear
for our lives.

119
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,832
Oh, we'll fear for our lives,
all right.

120
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,636
When we watch Al Gore's
An Inconvenient Truth!

121
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,237
(chuckles) Yeah. We're
gonna pound a beer

122
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,305
every time we
hear the word

123
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,973
(imitates Al Gore):
"catastrophic."

124
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,475
(knocking)
Oh!

125
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,310
Could that be...

126
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,580
the next item on your list?

127
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,749
BARNEY: Mind-blowing
entertainment,

128
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:45,519
like a naked fire show
or a naked magic show.

129
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,687
There's a good chance
our engagement

130
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,788
doesn't work out, isn't there?

131
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:48,689
Not now, honey.

132
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:51,124
Or a naked
contortionist!

133
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:54,161
Or... a balloon contortionist!

134
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,296
(honking)

135
00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,433
Balloons.

136
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:02,269
Not the inflatable, round,
squishy pouches

137
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,871
I was hoping to see tonight.

138
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,105
(cell phone ringing)

139
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,039
Hold on.

140
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:07,808
TED (quietly):
I told you no clown.

141
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,544
Well, you didn't like
the bubble guy either.

142
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:11,278
Hey, Robin.

143
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,546
Did you tell your mother

144
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:13,614
I'm a virgin?

145
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,650
What? Why would you think that?

146
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,052
Save yourself
room for dessert.
Mmm.

147
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:22,089
And I hear you excel
at saving yourself.

148
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,559
(chuckles):
You are so funny.

149
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,060
What's gotten into you?

150
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:30,097
Oh, that's right-- nothing ever.

151
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,501
You may be nervous

152
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,203
as to what goes where
on your wedding night.

153
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,838
It's really simple.

154
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,873
Let me show you.

155
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:45,212
Let's start with
the fundamentals.

156
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,214
Why would you
tell her I'm a virgin?

157
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,215
I panicked.

158
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,050
Look, I really want her
to like you,

159
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,919
so just go with it, okay? Okay!

160
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,621
Listen, Wuv-Wuv,
you better get your ass back...

161
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:55,889
(knocking)

162
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,324
Another guest?

163
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,693
Who could this be?

164
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,729
Why, it's Lily!

165
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:02,996
And she's here
to deliver

166
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,097
one of your requests!

167
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,099
Oh, thank you,
Marshall.

168
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,501
Oh, not that one.

169
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,103
An appearance by
my all-time idol,

170
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,339
the Karate Kid!

171
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,341
NARRATOR: The Karate Kid
was an uplifting '80s classic

172
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,510
about a teen,
played by Ralph Macchio,

173
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:19,747
who defeats the local jerk,
played by William Zabka.

174
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,049
At least, that's how
most people saw it.

175
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,051
Here he is, just as hot

176
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:27,220
as when his Tiger Beat
photo spread gave a young girl

177
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,589
the courage to explore

178
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,024
the suddenly unfamiliar
topography

179
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,427
of her changing body...

180
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:36,930
the Karate Kid!

181
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,131
Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.

182
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,533
Listen,
it's always flattering...

183
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,634
No!

184
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,136
I hate Ralph Macchio!

185
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,305
I hate him, hate him, hate him!

186
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:47,407
He is not the Karate Kid!

187
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,643
The Karate Kid
was William Zabka,

188
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:52,212
star pupil
of the Cobra Kai Dojo,

189
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,947
who this monster

190
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:54,982
defeated
with a cheap,

191
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,217
illegal head-kick

192
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:02,422
in the most tragically haunting
film ending of all time.

193
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:05,325
Oh, see, I thought
you meant fun-crazy.

194
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,127
Shut it, Ralph Macchio.

195
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,229
Why don't you go have
a party with Luke Skywalker

196
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,666
and Harry Potter and War Horse
and all the other movie bad guys

197
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,936
and stop ruining mine!

198
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,438
This night has been
catastrophic.

199
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,941
"Catastrophic"!
Everybody pound.

200
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,143
Sorry, bro.

201
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,111
I'm staying.

202
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,412
If this is anything

203
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,247
like my bachelor party--
strippers, booze,

204
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,616
definitely no hand stuff--
wink-wink--

205
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:32,252
it is gonna be in--
wait for it-- credible.

206
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,253
Incredible!

207
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,254
TED:
Wow.

208
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,923
You guys are
actually a lot alike.

209
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,124
You take that back, sir!

210
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:40,828
I am nothing like
Ralph Macchio!

211
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,597
I mean, did you guys
even get a stripper?

212
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:44,798
Bro.
(chuckling)

213
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,166
Bro.

214
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,701
Of course we
got a stripper.

215
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,870
Do we look like
the kind of dweebs

216
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,805
who wouldn't get
a stripper?
(scoffs)

217
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,707
(knocking)

218
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:54,875
And as the saying goes,

219
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,376
what happens in
the sensibly-priced

220
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,612
business hotel outside
Atlantic City stays

221
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,414
in the sensibly-priced business
hotel outside Atlantic City.

222
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:05,052
Who is it?

223
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,287
WOMAN: Police. We got
a noise complaint from...

224
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,323
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can tell it's dead in there.

225
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,359
I'm the stripper!

226
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,463
Barney?

227
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,397
Quinn?

228
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,473
This is your bachelor party?
You're engaged again,

229
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,809
less than a year
after we broke up?

230
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,510
Is it Robin?

231
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,845
Now, hold on.

232
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:35,148
You're not the only one
with questions here.

233
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,084
You didn't vet the stripper?!

234
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,386
Well, I'm glad
you're so happy.

235
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,822
After we broke up,
I had to move out of the city,

236
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,991
my car got totaled,
and I had to go back

237
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,092
to stripping just to pay rent.

238
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:49,096
It's like everywhere I look,
my life is a dead-end.

239
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,064
Wow.

240
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:54,334
I am... I'm so
sorry, Quinn.

241
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,836
So, how does this work?

242
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,038
Do you give me a private
show, or does everyone...?

243
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,340
I am not stripping for you.

244
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,042
Whoa, whoa! I was
promised boobs.

245
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,210
Oh, Ralph,
if you want, I can...

246
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,878
Lily.

247
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:05,779
Is that the Karate Kid?

248
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:06,446
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

249
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,447
No!

250
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:08,448
He's a lot like
Barney, huh?

251
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,183
(gasps) You take
that back, madam.

252
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,586
I am nothing
like Ralph Macchio!

253
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,021
QUINN:
Okay, okay.

254
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,188
I'll tell you what.

255
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,224
I am going to strip
for everyone here

256
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,860
except Barney.

257
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,029
And I'm gonna make it dirty.

258
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,798
Yeah, um, I'm the bachelor.

259
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:27,300
Kind of no stripping
without the lap of honor.

260
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,902
Back me up, bros.

261
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,739
(people whooping,
dance music playing)

262
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:32,973
(phone ringing)

263
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,074
MARSHALL:
How'd you even do that?

264
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,909
TED: What the...?!
LILY: Oh, my God, yeah!

265
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,277
Hey, Robin.

266
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,647
Hey, sweetie, having fun
at your bachelor party?

267
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,315
No.
Good, 'cause my night's
been hell!

268
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:45,052
And that's the inverted
chimney sweep,

269
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,955
the last of the 17 basic
sexual positions.

270
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,156
Now, bondage...

271
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,091
Stop! I'm not a virgin!

272
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,026
My napkin ring has seen
plenty of breadsticks.

273
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,729
And one baguette.

274
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,330
I dated a center for the Knicks.

275
00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,133
Oh, thank God
you're not a prude.

276
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,069
Now we can really talk.

277
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,271
Four cosmos, pronto!

278
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,739
Now she's drunk,

279
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,141
holding up a napkin ring
and three breadsticks,

280
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,577
and talking about her night
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.

281
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,846
Waiter, can I have
another breadstick?

282
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:13,847
And Young.

283
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,448
Please come back.

284
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,250
(people cheering)
Okay.

285
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,153
I'll be there soon.

286
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:21,288
Real nice.
So beautiful.

287
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,956
I think we really did it.
I think we did it, you know?

288
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,125
You didn't miss a thing.

289
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:26,359
MARSHALL: Oh, Quinn?
Yeah?

290
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:29,529
You got a little...
something.

291
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,564
Oh! Oh.

292
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,703
(sighs)

293
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,204
Let's head back, guys.

294
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,372
This night has been
completely half-assed.

295
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,708
You obviously missed
the strip show.

296
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,309
Hey-oh!
(horn honks)

297
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,845
Ted, this was my bachelor party.

298
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:48,115
A man only gets two or three
of these in his lifetime.

299
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,350
And this is all you do for me?

300
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:52,352
That's it, I'm calling it.

301
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,387
Who needs a ride back
to the city?

302
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,290
Oh.

303
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,326
Oh, guys, wait,
hold on, hold on.

304
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,229
Drinking.

305
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:03,997
A shot.

306
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,834
Shooting.

307
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:07,768
A gun.

308
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,170
Shot, gun.

309
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,471
Shotgun?

310
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:12,539
(sighs)

311
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,875
Man, it's crowded
in here.

312
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,477
I know,
it's like a clown car.

313
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,847
Well, I can make some room
by grinding on Ralph's lap.

314
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,848
S-Sitting!

315
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,082
I-I meant, I meant sitting.

316
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:25,052
This is the worst
bachelor party ever.

317
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:29,189
Man, my bachelor party
was incr-- wait for it--

318
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,423
and I hope you're hungry,

319
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:33,560
'cause the second half
of this word is-- edible!

320
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:34,895
Incredible!

321
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,797
(chuckles)
Self-shake.

322
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:38,999
(gasps)

323
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,233
You take that
back, clown.

324
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:42,402
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

325
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,670
RALPH:
Yeah.

326
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,172
You've got more in
common with the clown,

327
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,239
except his suit's
more expensive.

328
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:47,240
Hey, yo!

329
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,341
(horn honks)

330
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,542
I mean, what kind of loser

331
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,578
has his bachelor party
ten yards from A.C.

332
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:53,280
and doesn't even gamble?

333
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,353
(tires screeching)

334
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,189
(screams)
Oh. Oh, sorry.

335
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:05,125
Sorry. Sorry.

336
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,794
(chuckles)
Sorry.

337
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,295
Oh... oh, wait.

338
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,296
Just a little more.

339
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,630
Okay, sorry.

340
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:11,932
(sighs):
Okay.

341
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,234
(speaking Chinese)

342
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:17,871
...bro mitzvah!
(laughs)

343
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,040
NARRATOR: Kids, I'll skip over
the gambling.

344
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,209
Like I said, it was
a complicated game.

345
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,744
Although your old man
did pick it up pretty quickly.

346
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,814
(crowd cheers)

347
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:27,815
Hey!

348
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,917
You just won 300 bucks!

349
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,152
I just lost $5,000.

350
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,753
Oh, right.
'Cause the chicken.

351
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,989
Yep, that-that's
$5,000, yeah.

352
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:37,958
(laughs)

353
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,126
See, I'm laughing

354
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,061
because you couldn't see me
take my top off,

355
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,230
but I just saw you
lose your shirt.
Hey-yo!

356
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,098
(horn honks)
We have to go back.

357
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,300
(sneezes): Loser!
Sorry, that was a real sneeze.

358
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,669
Might have made you miss
what I was saying.

359
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:50,804
Loser!

360
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:52,239
(laughs):
Loser.

361
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,107
We're not going anywhere.

362
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:57,244
I can still make
this night legendary.

363
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,246
Uh, uh... (speaks Chinese)

364
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,348
(replies in Chinese)

365
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,083
Oh, oh.

366
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,652
Okay, I got some credit.

367
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,587
I just... mm...

368
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,156
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?

369
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,457
Oh, sure.

370
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,130
Okay, okay.

371
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,532
(crowd chants in Chinese)

372
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:20,868
(speaks Chinese)

373
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,137
(crowd cheers)

374
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,773
(laughs):
Oh! Oh!

375
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,676
You crazy son of a bitch,
you did it!

376
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,445
I just lost $80,000.

377
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,314
Oh, right, right, yeah.
'Cause the black jelly bean.

378
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,448
That-That's $80,000.
He's right.

379
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,450
(clears throat)

380
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,853
You know, Ralph,

381
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:43,857
earlier at the salon, I
waxed on, then waxed off.

382
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,525
(whispers):
Everywhere.

383
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,795
Uh, listen, lady,
your husband is, like...

384
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,031
Hey, where is
your husband?

385
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,232
Marshall?

386
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:53,333
Where's Marshall?!

387
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:57,104
Okay, Lily,
don't overreact, but...

388
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,009
Oh, oh.

389
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,411
Okay, I got some credit.

390
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,413
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?

391
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,448
Oh, sure.

392
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,487
You sold my husband?!

393
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,389
Lily, can you be more like
the Chinese mobster

394
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:17,690
and give me some credit?

395
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:21,161
I'm going back for Marshall;
I just need to get some money.

396
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:24,064
You have nothing to worry about;
these are the "good" mobsters.

397
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,599
Wow, what kind of bozo
does that to a friend?

398
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:29,002
Shut it, Ralph Macchio!

399
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,037
No, you shut it!

400
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:33,540
Ralph Macchio's right,
you a a bozo.

401
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,742
Um, I think they prefer
"people of bright color."

402
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,110
You know what
a bachelor party's about?

403
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,779
Hanging out with your friends
and having a good time.

404
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,782
But you only care about
the good time, not the friends.

405
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,084
So you know what?

406
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,953
I'm-I'm done
caring about you then.

407
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,587
I'm out of here.

408
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,755
Ted...

409
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:53,126
Ted, Ted, I have...

410
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,428
I just tore your mom away
from a living version

411
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:58,531
of a Nick Nolte mug shot
and put her in a cab home.

412
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,033
Thank you for abandoning me

413
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,036
on what has been one of
the worst nights of my life.

414
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,272
So, it's my usual fee,
plus I always charge

415
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,774
an extra hundred for
girl-on-clown action.

416
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,077
What the hell
is she doing here?

417
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,312
Robin, I swear,
nothing happened.

418
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,047
That means just hand stuff.
(horn honks)

419
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:16,083
You...!
Oh!

420
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:20,120
No, no, stop, stop, stop!

421
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,221
Sorry, Barney,

422
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:25,125
this... this-this is
unforgivable.

423
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,259
It's over.

424
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,098
You know...

425
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,133
I never got to do that.

426
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,137
(sighs)

427
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,842
(sighs)

428
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,311
Ted?

429
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,013
Robin.

430
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,848
We're right on schedule.

431
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,022
Barney is suicidal.
I know, it's awesome!

432
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,023
(both laughing)

433
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:57,790
NARRATOR:
Yep, kids, we had planned out

434
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,192
every step of the night.

435
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:01,128
It started three weeks
earlier.

436
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,196
...and you will disappoint me.

437
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,366
But make it great, okay?

438
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,468
Oh, it'll be great,
all right!

439
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,270
Okay, after two weeks
of brainstorming,

440
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,872
all I have on my list
so far is Purell.

441
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,207
Marshall, what
do you got?

442
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,476
Well, nothing now.

443
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,145
This is impossible!

444
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,280
How do you make something
memorable for a guy

445
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,382
who makes every night
the best night of his life?

446
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,985
Give him the worst night
of his life.

447
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:29,889
We'll give him
the worst hotel room

448
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,558
with the worst entertainment,
(horn honks)

449
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,493
the wrong Karate Kid,

450
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,729
and the absolute last stripper
he would want to see.

451
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,065
Hold on.

452
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,133
You want me to pretend
my life's gone to crap

453
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,569
and I'm back to stripping
just screw with my ex-fiancé?

454
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:44,271
I love it!

455
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,475
That party will be so terrible,
he'll have to leave it.

456
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:52,245
Then I'll instruct
his arch-nemesis to say...

457
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,414
I mean, what kind of loser
has his bachelor party

458
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,150
ten yards from A.C.
and doesn't even gamble?

459
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,352
ROBIN: Barney will take
the envelope of cash I gave him

460
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,688
and head straight
into our trap.

461
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:02,889
Hold on.

462
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:05,058
You want us to rig a casino game

463
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,194
to trick one of
our former high rollers?

464
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:08,995
Um...

465
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:09,829
I love it.

466
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,398
Well, then
you get Barney

467
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,766
to use one of these
guys as collateral.

468
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,235
He'll probably
choose me.
What?

469
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,703
Well, I'd be worth more.

470
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,371
Yeah. Perfect teeth.

471
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,006
(clears throat)
Yeah, it's just, uh,

472
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,574
just I'm way more athletic
than you.

473
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,042
Yeah, this coming
from the guy

474
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,044
who's never beaten me
at skee-ball.

475
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,247
The only reason a mobster
might choose you is because

476
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,349
they'd be afraid I'd go all
"Marshall Unchained" on them,

477
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,017
which obviously isn't
a risk with you.

478
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,920
Oh, you want to see
some "Ted Unchained," huh?

479
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,555
I'll show you Ted Unchained!

480
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:37,924
Marshall, would you mind

481
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,259
standing over there
for good luck?

482
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,060
Oh, yeah, sure.

483
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,633
ROBIN:
Meanwhile, I'll make sure

484
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,736
he's abandoned me
in my nightmare scenario.

485
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:52,805
Hold on. You want me to
help you trick my own son?

486
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,208
I love it.

487
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:56,042
(sighs)

488
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,144
Barney deserves it.

489
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,379
You know, he told me
you were a virgin.

490
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,047
(scoffs)
Ridiculous!

491
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,215
I know.
(laughs)

492
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:05,285
You are a dirty ho-bag
just like me.

493
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:07,787
But he loves you so much.

494
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:08,921
And so do I.

495
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,291
(mouthing)

496
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,326
Wait, hold on.
Is there any chance

497
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,129
this is all too
mean to Barney?

498
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,332
(laughter)

499
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:20,933
Just kidding.

500
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,735
Okay, we just need
the finale.

501
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,904
Oh! The Chinese mobsters
chop off my hand

502
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,373
right in front of Barney!

503
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,442
Yes, we're all
equally enthused!

504
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,646
Okay, here's the plan.
After I storm off...

505
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,348
MARSHALL:
Barney!

506
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,517
Barney, hurry!
Give them the money!

507
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,352
Please, hurry!
Oh, no!

508
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,288
The Chinese mobster
is giving Marshall back

509
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:43,022
and taking me hostage instead,

510
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,658
because he says
I'm obviously more valuable!

511
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,494
Can you, can you
unlock the door?

512
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:48,595
Barney, please!

513
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,430
They're gonna
chop off my hand!

514
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,331
No, they're not!

515
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,965
They said you're free,
and I think

516
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,001
we agreed that's not
something mobsters would do.

517
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,769
Ted, come on!
This is my thing!

518
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:57,970
Don't hurt him.

519
00:18:58,004 --> 00:18:59,206
I've got the money.

520
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,473
Too late!

521
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,242
(screaming)

522
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,412
Not my skee-ball hand!

523
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,215
No...!
No...!

524
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,482
No!

525
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,020
Please, just don't shoot me
in the face... or the crotch!

526
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,389
ALL:
Surprise!

527
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,858
What's going on?

528
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,227
Well, we decided to give you

529
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,695
everything you wanted
for your bachelor party

530
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,564
without you even realizing it.

531
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,502
Wait, so that's why you made me
think Marshall might die?

532
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:33,373
And I'd lost all that money
and my friends hated me

533
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,074
and my wedding was off?

534
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,376
You just decided

535
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:37,877
to-to check off

536
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,012
everything on this list
in the most

537
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,515
twisted way imaginable?

538
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,151
That is awesome!

539
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,321
And it was all planned
by a girl.

540
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:49,121
(laughs):
Wow!

541
00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,826
So, Lily...

542
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,695
later on tonight,
you want to, um...?

543
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,997
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

544
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,333
That was all just
part of the act.

545
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,868
Y-You knew that, right?

546
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,504
Yeah! Totally.

547
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,172
We pulled it off, right?

548
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,407
Platonic shake!

549
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:19,386
Everyone, everyone, thank you
for an incredible bro mitzvah.

550
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:20,287
Mazel brov!

551
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,188
ALL:
Mazel brov!

552
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,090
(chuckles)

553
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,293
Mm, oh, you didn't really get
everything on the list.

554
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,294
N-No offense

555
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,295
to Ralph Macchio,

556
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:30,797
but he ain't the Karate Kid.

557
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,499
I couldn't agree
with you more.

558
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,470
You know,
they almost didn't get me.

559
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:43,543
But after
18 voice mails...

560
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:46,279
I returned Robin's call.

561
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:47,614
And she told me

562
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:50,483
how you're one of the
few people in the world

563
00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:52,485
who truly gets
The Karate Kid movie.

564
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,557
So when she asked if I'd help,

565
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,792
well, my answer
just had to be...

566
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,096
Hai!

567
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:07,133
William Zabka!
(all cheering)

568
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,944
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org