1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,671 NARRATOR: In the spring of 2013, 2 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,073 Barney and Robin were just weeks away 3 00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:06,407 from tying the knot. 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:07,808 But there were still some pretty big issues 5 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:08,809 they hadn't agreed on. 6 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,811 Adoption. 7 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:11,979 I don't know. 8 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,981 (sighs) It's the only thing that makes sense. 9 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:14,982 I can't... I can't believe 10 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,484 you're not open to it. 11 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,552 Okay. Let's try it. 12 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,356 Nope, it doesn't work with 27 down. 13 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:26,060 Hey, with the wedding so close, 14 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,761 maybe we should talk about 15 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,197 where we're going to live. 16 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:30,531 Fine, enough. 17 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:31,532 Stop begging. 18 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,533 We'll live here. 19 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:33,601 But you owe me. 20 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:34,935 Yeah, I don't know... 21 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,204 there's just a lot of things 22 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,406 I don't totally love about your apartment. 23 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,773 Like what? 24 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,775 Well, for example, why is 25 00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:44,545 your bed on what look like train tracks? 26 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,613 (chuckles) 27 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,882 You were wonderful. (chuckles) 28 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,453 Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist 29 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,122 without learning how to please a woman. 30 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,390 You don't mind if I spend the night, do you? 31 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,426 Um, how else are we gonna 32 00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:00,228 get to know each other on a deeper level? 33 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,463 Excuse me, I just have 34 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,898 to log tonight's orgasms with the licensing board. 35 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:11,972 (shrieks) 36 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,882 BARNEY: The Ho-be-gone Sleep System 37 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,084 by Stinson, patent pending. 38 00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,620 What-what is on the other side of the wall? 39 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:27,788 Where do the hos go? 40 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,291 (scoffs) What am I, a contractor? 41 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:33,227 We-we need to go into this marriage 42 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,296 with a fresh start. 43 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:38,632 What do you say we find a new place together? 44 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,334 I love you. 45 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:41,902 And if that will make you happy, 46 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,671 then let's do it. 47 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,776 Wow, so we need to find an apartment 48 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:51,011 where I haven't banged someone? 49 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,846 How do you feel about Cleveland? (chuckles) Ha, ha. 50 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,115 Nope. Ted's mom. 51 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,664 Shh... 52 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,003 Nice job filling in for Lily on Marvin's lullaby. 53 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,672 Thanks, but I came in early on the horsie. 54 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,007 Stupid! 55 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:24,044 No, you really nailed all of Lily's parts. 56 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:26,547 It's been three weeks since I have. 57 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,417 I barely see her anymore 'cause of this new job. 58 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,886 Well, you know what might cheer you up? Hmm? 59 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:36,123 There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight. 60 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,458 (concerto plays) NARRATOR: Woodworthy Manor 61 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,059 was a show about an upper class English estate 62 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,662 at the beginning of the 20th century. 63 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,864 MAN (British accent): My word! You can't possibly mean... 64 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,132 WOMAN (British accent): But I do! 65 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,467 With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke 66 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,135 to Viscountess of Marlyemead, 67 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,870 our cousin Baldrick becomes... 68 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,972 the Earl of Witherstead. The Earl of Witherstead! 69 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,343 I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums! 70 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:56,677 No, I can't. 71 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,979 I promised Lily that I would wait and watch it with her. 72 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,081 Problem is, the Captain. 73 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,851 NARRATOR: Lily had just started a job as the art consultant 74 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,986 for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain. 75 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,154 (concerto plays, phone rings) 76 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,490 Oh. (concerto stops) 77 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,658 Ahoy. 78 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,192 There's a hot new artist in Red Hook. 79 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,160 He's molded 80 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,995 world currency into a sculpture 81 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,764 of a soulless plutocrat 82 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,232 defecating on the poor. 83 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,100 A scathing indictment of capitalism. 84 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,602 I'll go as high as $200K 85 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,771 as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months. 86 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:24,905 Aye, aye, Cap'n. 87 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,073 Sorry. 88 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,043 (concerto plays) 89 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,079 (phone rings) 90 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,248 (concerto stops) Ahoy. 91 00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,116 here's this gorgeously delicate 92 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,451 impressionist still life, 93 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:39,186 reminiscent of Monet's water lilies. 94 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,020 Where is it? 95 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,422 Rikers Island. 96 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,757 The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences 97 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,092 for aggravated homicide. 98 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,727 I'm willing to go as high as 99 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,061 six cartons of cigarettes 100 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,130 and a jug of toilet wine. 101 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:51,365 Is it a strain, 102 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,866 feeling like a single dad at times? 103 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,034 Sure, but Lily's been 104 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,603 busting her butt at this new job. 105 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,438 It's not like she's been out there partying. (door opens) 106 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,939 Man, I'm 'faced. 107 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,575 I ate a ton of caviar, 108 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,243 but it soaked up none of the champagne. 109 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,678 Mondays, right? LILY: Yeah. 110 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,481 When did you get glasses? 111 00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:08,782 (laughing): Oh... 112 00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,285 you mean my glare reduction lunettes. 113 00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:13,220 Yeah. They help me discern genius 114 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,655 from pretentious crap. 115 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:15,923 Too bad you weren't wearing those glasses 116 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,190 when you bought those glasses. 117 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:19,960 Well, listen, baby, I-I'm just 118 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,128 happy to see you. 119 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,463 And if you're not too tired, 120 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:25,232 maybe we could watch Woodworthy Manor tonight. 121 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,099 I'd love to. 122 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,267 Great! Because I've come up 123 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,936 with a fun little game. 124 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,070 I made figgy pudding 125 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,639 and I put it in shot glasses. 126 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,240 And every time they say, 127 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,309 (British accent): "The dowager will be less than pleased," 128 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,477 you have to... 129 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,111 (phone rings) Oh. 130 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,112 Ugh... 131 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,448 Ahoy. 132 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,516 A seven-foot-tall cross-dressing Cambodian 133 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,017 is throwing glitter and fish guts 134 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,453 at a billboard on the B.Q.E. 135 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:47,955 So he's some sort of conceptual painter? 136 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,823 No, no, just a crazy person on the local news. 137 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,024 I thought you might have a laugh. 138 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,660 You're off the clock, relax. 139 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,163 I must own it. 140 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,499 Aye, aye, Cap'n. 141 00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,970 Hey, did you find a Realtor to sell this place yet? 142 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,473 Robin, a Realtor's just gonna 143 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,107 give it to the highest bidder. 144 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,343 I need this place to go to someone worthy. 145 00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,579 And I've made some inquiries. 146 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,482 (gentle, majestic music plays) 147 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,650 Barney? 148 00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,119 (booming voice): My son. 149 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,955 Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head 150 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,291 from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay? 151 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,459 It's getting old. 152 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:29,229 I only use it to say really important stuff. 153 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,998 Last time you used it to tell me 154 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,801 Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of "The Baconator." 155 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,103 Exactly. 156 00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,473 And now, my son... 157 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:42,643 it is time for me to bestow on you... 158 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,912 Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people? 159 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,980 Ted, just... 160 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,248 just... 161 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,584 okay? 162 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,319 My son, 163 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,423 it is time for me to bestow on you... 164 00:05:58,926 --> 00:05:59,893 Close the door. 165 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:00,894 No. This is... 166 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,430 Oh, my God, can you just be cool? 167 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,097 Once? Please? 168 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,666 Just once? 169 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,835 Can you just once be cool? 170 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,069 Once? 171 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,638 Please? 172 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,845 My son... 173 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,279 for many years 174 00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:23,884 this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude. 175 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,019 But now the time has come 176 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,455 for me to pass it on. 177 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,391 Soon, this place will become 178 00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:34,728 your "Fortress of Soli-Ted." 179 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,029 Barney, I wouldn't 180 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,466 live here even if you scrubbed every inch of this place 181 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,734 with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water. 182 00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,436 (sighs) 183 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,771 Fine. 184 00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,706 But I think we can both agree, 185 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,275 it would be totally awesome to see my deal 186 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,211 floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam. 187 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,980 Hold on. (unzips) 188 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,816 Now, it's a little cold here in the Fortress, 189 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:56,950 so don't judge... 190 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:57,951 BARNEY: Ted, wait. 191 00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,620 What did you... 192 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,055 That's... okay, that's not funny. 193 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,056 Ted, open the... 194 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,292 Uh... walls closing in. 195 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,960 I can't... can't breathe. 196 00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,562 (gasps) 197 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:09,563 Must... 198 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,632 show deal... 199 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,634 on Jor-El cam... 200 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,902 I... (gasps) 201 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,403 (thud) 202 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,238 Oh, well, guess I'm keeping this place forever, good night. 203 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,973 Wait a... wait a minute, that's it? 204 00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,809 Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment, 205 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,511 so you just gave up? 206 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,679 Barney, I gave up my 207 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,147 beautiful two-bedroom apartment 208 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:29,016 on the Upper West Side that was rent-free 209 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,952 and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates. 210 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,154 Which is probably why it was rent-free. 211 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,756 The point is, 212 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,290 I need to buy all new underwear, 213 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:40,127 and you agreed that we would find a new place together. 214 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,428 Oh, God, Barney, 215 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,364 relationships are about trust and compromise. 216 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,533 You can't just... 217 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,867 Oh, you are so dead. 218 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,435 If I ever figure a way out of here, 219 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,870 I will make your life a living... 220 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,273 Lily and I really need this night out. 221 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,308 A big fancy dinner and the ballet. 222 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,177 Thank you so much for babysitting. 223 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,279 Hey, three bucks an hour, thank you. 224 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,348 (phone rings) 225 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,818 Oh, hey, baby. 226 00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,153 Yeah, I'm just on my way out. 227 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,955 If you get there before... 228 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,322 Come on, really? 229 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,826 I'll see you later. 230 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,728 Captain? 231 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,063 I'm sorry, dude. But, hey, 232 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,297 look at it this way: 233 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,299 now you don't have to go to the ballet. 234 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,634 Get your head out of your ass, Ted. 235 00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:22,035 There was no ballet. 236 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,503 We were gonna sneak into your apartment and bang. 237 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,540 Well, you know what might 238 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:28,576 take both our minds off that? 239 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,644 A little, uh... (clears throat) 240 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,279 (whispering): Woodworthy Manor. 241 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,583 No, I-I-I can't. 242 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:36,817 I-I promised Lily 243 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,151 that I would wait and watch it with her. 244 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,587 And I feel like I'd be cheating on her. 245 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,689 Sure, sure, sure, sure, I get all that. 246 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,724 It's just, um... 247 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,526 You know, tonight they're gonna finally reveal 248 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,662 who framed the chimney sweep 249 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,932 for stealing Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries. 250 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,602 And reveal the winner of 251 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,870 the local gardening competition. 252 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,205 I don't know how they're going to pack 253 00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,940 all that action into one episode. 254 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,075 (groans softly) 255 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,113 (concerto plays) 256 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:08,148 Oops. 257 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,284 No, Ted, you know 258 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,621 I promised Lily, I... Shh, shh, shh. 259 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,789 Just let it happen. 260 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,125 NARRATOR: Later that week, Barney came home to discover 261 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,728 that Robin had a little surprise waiting for him. 262 00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:24,832 Wha...? 263 00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:27,968 Mimosas? Mm-hmm. 264 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,971 (sniffs) Freshly-baked cookie smell? 265 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,473 A middle-aged woman in a red blazer? 266 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,909 I see what this is. 267 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,278 You finally green-lit my orgy idea! 268 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,546 Okay. 269 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,381 It's an open house, Barney. 270 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,817 Say good-bye to your fortress. 271 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,986 If we weren't about to have an orgy, 272 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,688 I'd be so mad at you right now. 273 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:54,762 If you'll follow me into the bedroom, 274 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,764 I'll show you some beautiful woodwork. 275 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,966 I am way too upset right now to point out how many women 276 00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,300 have seen some beautiful woodwork in there. 277 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,902 Angry self five! 278 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:02,903 Rah! 279 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,071 Robin, 280 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,472 I did not agree to this. 281 00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:06,640 Yes, you did. 282 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,642 That is why I gave up my apartment. 283 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:11,444 Not so I could live in a disease-riddled bang pad 284 00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,280 haunted by the ghosts of your ex-skanks. 285 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:17,317 The bathrooms are Italian marble. 286 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,453 (British accent): Hello, old bean. 287 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,789 Jolly good evening, isn't it? 288 00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:22,923 What are you doing here? 289 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,325 And why do you sound like Madonna? 290 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,827 Uh, Robin asked us all to come here and pretend 291 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,161 that we are prospective buyers 292 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,196 who love this apartment. 293 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,998 TED: And inspired by a character 294 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,166 on Woodworthy Manor, I've decided to play 295 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,968 Emsbry Postlethwaite, 296 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,003 a handsome cricket player 297 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,806 who secretly hates his life. 298 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,473 You don't have to be a cricket player. 299 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,109 Tell that to Emsbry's father. 300 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,376 Sorry! 301 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:44,978 Oh... 302 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,815 I was checking out some mole people's graffiti art 303 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,683 and my cape got caught on the F train. 304 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:50,684 Oh. 305 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:51,852 Bisou bisou. 306 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,155 Oh, what a cute baby. 307 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,323 What's his name? 308 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,290 (British accent): Marvin. 309 00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:58,358 For my father. 310 00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,060 Oh, that's so sweet. 311 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,795 Have you two been looking at a lot of places 312 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:02,796 in this neighborhood? 313 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,131 Oh, actually they're not... 314 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,466 Yes, we have. 315 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,901 What? 316 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:11,805 My husband Emsbry and I just love this area. 317 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,374 I'm a cricket player who secretly hates his life. 318 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:15,308 (laughs) 319 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,310 What are you doing? 320 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,379 Well, you were late yet again, 321 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,348 and so I'm gonna do this little scene study with Ted. 322 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,550 Why? Because he's there for me. 323 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,320 Pretending you're married? 324 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,157 That's going a little far to prove your point, isn't it? 325 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,592 Excuse me, but I think it's offensive to suggest 326 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:35,495 the only reason gay people get married is to prove a point. 327 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,831 No, no, no, no, no. 328 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,366 I didn't... that's not what I... 329 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,734 Thank you, sister-- somebody needs 330 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:43,603 to get this lady's mind a rearview mirror 331 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:46,239 because she is thinking in reverse. Mm-hmm. 332 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,111 Hate is a four-letter word. 333 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,946 I didn't... I voted for... 334 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,251 Oh, is this part of a security system? 335 00:11:58,285 --> 00:11:59,552 Sort of. 336 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,955 It's connected to the welcome mat. You see... 337 00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,723 Let's say the young lady you're bringing home 338 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,058 is dressed for winter. 339 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,393 Under those layers, 340 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,795 an unwelcome surprise could await you. 341 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,963 The scale with body fat calculator 342 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:12,132 I've hidden under the welcome mat 343 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,701 makes sure you never have banger's remorse. 344 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,736 The Heavy Set Go 345 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,305 by Stinson, patent pending. 346 00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:21,208 'Cause there's only one kind of chubby you want in the bedroom. 347 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,709 Am I right, people? (laughs) 348 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,813 This guy knows what I'm talking about. 349 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:29,649 I don't want to tell you and Emsbry how to raise 350 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,585 your child, but I think if you keep letting him nap, 351 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:33,720 he's gonna be up all night. 352 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,789 Funny, you sound like someone who's been 353 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,791 around for his bedtime lately. 354 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,327 Uh, can somebody get this lady a storefront 355 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,963 'cause she needs to mind her own business, mm-kay? 356 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:44,131 (other clapping) 357 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,665 Would you stop it? 358 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,968 (British accent): Oh, right, right, because it's a choice. 359 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,338 ROBIN: You know what's not a choice? 360 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,672 Being gay for this kitchen. 361 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,976 That came out wrong-- the point is, 362 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:58,178 let's focus on this awesome apartment. 363 00:12:58,211 --> 00:12:59,779 You're right. (gasps) 364 00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:02,649 Look at that fabulous plasma television. 365 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:05,785 My ex-husband, who never supported my career, 366 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:06,987 would love 367 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:10,523 to watch the Vikings never win a Super Bowl 368 00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,425 in franchise history on that thing. 369 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,361 How dare you. Don't let her push your buttons. 370 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,729 Right. 371 00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:20,633 I don't care about football. 372 00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,302 I'm more of a... 373 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,703 Woodworthy Manor fan. 374 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,474 I very much enjoyed watching it the other night. 375 00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:28,275 (gasps) 376 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,542 With Emsbry. 377 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,677 Oh, you didn't. 378 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,312 Yeah, oh, yeah. 379 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,114 I know who deliberately overwatered 380 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,983 Lady Chillsbury's prize-winning roses. 381 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,485 They have been building to that reveal all season, 382 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,353 Marshall, don't you tell me... 383 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,856 It was Parson Smallsby. (groans) 384 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,395 Wow, great view. 385 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,396 And customizable. 386 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,397 Let's say you promised a girl 387 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,564 a surprise trip 388 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,700 to the most romantic place on Earth. 389 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,903 No peeking. 390 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,238 Wow, we must've gone far. 391 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:01,741 We were on your private jet for, like, six hours. 392 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,076 Well, 393 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,744 You definitely weren't on a bus to Delaware 394 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,980 and back wearing earplugs, I'll tell you that much. 395 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,016 And I think you'll agree it was worth the wait 396 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,918 once you see the view. 397 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,685 Et voila ma chérie. 398 00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,991 Oh, my God. 399 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,993 You flew me to Vegas? 400 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,529 It's, um... it's Par... 401 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,531 Well, hey, whatever works, whatever... 402 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,666 The Room With a Screw 403 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,301 by Stinson, patent pending. 404 00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:30,237 I know what you're trying to do. 405 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,404 You're trying to drive people away. 406 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:32,605 No, I'm not-- I'm just trying 407 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,274 to show off all of its one-of-a-kind features. 408 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,776 See, see, there's also, uh, Venice. 409 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,680 Niagara Falls, 410 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,250 African safari. 411 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,251 Oh... 412 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,452 and my favorite... 413 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,957 Huh? 414 00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,758 Nothing gets a girl to go from "on the fence" 415 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,460 to "on all fours" faster than thinking 416 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:56,529 everyone she's ever held dear is a glowing pile of ash. 417 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,465 Mushroom cloud five. 418 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,500 (imitates explosion) 419 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,905 I love you accent. 420 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:07,307 Thank you. 421 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,641 I practiced it all morning. 422 00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:09,709 (laughs) 423 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,978 You are adorable. 424 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,079 Well... 425 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,147 That Marshall's a lucky man. 426 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,748 Well, aren't you ducky? 427 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,650 Seriously if you were straight, 428 00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,652 I'd be all over you. 429 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:21,989 Huh. 430 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,657 What's this? 431 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:25,592 Oh, God. 432 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,494 Only the best thing ever. 433 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:29,997 Let's say you had a wonderful night with a girl, but now 434 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:33,166 she's turning into a bit of a morning-after pill. 435 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:43,343 See? We need to extend the chute 436 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,645 and add a landing spot. 437 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,315 And you said testing it with a dummy was a waste of time. 438 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:52,252 No, I said "dressing the dummy" was a waste of time. 439 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,121 The Escape From Bitch Mountain 440 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,788 by Stinson, patent pending. Okay. 441 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,124 He's kidding, it's just, you know, 442 00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,325 in case of fire. 443 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,160 No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire. 444 00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,562 See those smoke detectors? 445 00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:04,831 Say these words. 446 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,868 "I'm looking for a deeper commitment." 447 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,437 (alarm ringing) 448 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:14,041 It's also triggered by "I'm too tired," "Let's snuggle," 449 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,308 and "I'm a week late." 450 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:16,943 Barney, I'm getting wet. 451 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:20,713 And that turns it off. 452 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,049 Look, just stop talking. 453 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,716 We've made up our minds. 454 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,385 Oh, well, thanks for taking a look. 455 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:26,553 I'll walk you out. 456 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,321 We'll take it. (Robin gasps) 457 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,823 If you never get a black light, you'll be so happy here. 458 00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:32,792 (screams happily) Yes, yes! 459 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,726 Yes, yes. (whoops) 460 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,762 (gentle, majestic music plays) 461 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:40,233 Trouble in paradise? 462 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,542 We have a child together. 463 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,578 (alarm ringing) 464 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,818 I can't believe you watched Woodworthy Manor without me. 465 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,588 I can't believe that you're mad at me. 466 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,491 I've been abandoned by my wife and my gay companion. 467 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,993 If I get blinded in one eye by a badminton shuttlecock, 468 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,495 you might as well call me Lord Esterbrooke. 469 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,496 (both gasp) 470 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,663 You watched the new one without me? 471 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:13,233 Betrayal stings, doesn't it, Emsbry? 472 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:15,902 Hey. 473 00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:16,936 Hey. Listen. 474 00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:17,970 I... No, me first. 475 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,039 I've been thinking 476 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,508 and I realized something. 477 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,710 The Fortress of Solitude is 478 00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:25,612 where Superman went to be alone. 479 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,014 And I never want to be alone again. 480 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,050 Thank you, Barney, that really... 481 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,052 But then I remembered in Superman II, 482 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,855 Superman gave up all his powers to be with Lois Lane, 483 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,624 and he was honestly kind of a vag after that. 484 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,459 Oh, buddy, just quit while... 485 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:40,627 Now, Superman III was 486 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:41,961 a complete train wreck totally. 487 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:42,962 What's your point? 488 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:43,963 That... 489 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,598 that I love you. 490 00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,634 And... 491 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,203 I'm giving up my apartment for you. 492 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:54,174 And that the Superman films are uneven. 493 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,311 I really appreciate that, Barney, but... 494 00:17:58,345 --> 00:17:59,612 after you left... 495 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,449 Congrats. You guys are getting a fantastic apartment. 496 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,818 I mean, I know some of the features are a little weird. 497 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,187 A little? 498 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,088 We're gonna rip this thing 499 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,457 down to the studs. 500 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,259 I get it. 501 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,927 But, I mean, some things might be worth saving. 502 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,130 I don't see any. No. 503 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,299 You don't see any? 504 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,468 Sure some of the stuff in here 505 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,803 is creepy, but it's also brilliant. 506 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,438 I mean, a lot 507 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,106 of geniuses were kind of pervy. 508 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,008 Look at Thomas Edison-- why do you think 509 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,610 that lightbulbs are boob-shaped? 510 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:33,246 Yeah, we're taking a wrecking ball to this place 511 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,816 and turning it into something actually fit for humans. 512 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,918 (laughs) 513 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,052 Excuse me. 514 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,325 (talking low, indistinctly) 515 00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:46,793 (door closes) 516 00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,261 (booming voice): Get out! 517 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:51,431 The Fortress of Barnitude is no longer for sale. 518 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,800 Also your husband has been staring at my ass 519 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:57,437 all afternoon so don't act all high-and-mighty. 520 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,172 You turned them down? 521 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:02,942 Yeah. If I ask you to change too many things about yourself, 522 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,978 you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. 523 00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,146 Turns out, 524 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,015 I accept and appreciate 525 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:11,050 even the grossest, creepiest, 526 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,486 most sociopathic parts of you. 527 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,787 (laughs) 528 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,157 Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. 529 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,359 (quiet laugh) 530 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,160 Mm. 531 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,395 (phone rings) 532 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,596 It's the Captain. 533 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:25,965 Ahoy. 534 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,734 There's a zebra at the Central Park Zoo 535 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,069 who's got quite a keen hoof at photography. 536 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,305 Ironically, he's great with color. Now... 537 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:35,475 Captain, I'll check it out, just not tonight. 538 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,311 I need to spend some time with my husband. 539 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,813 You sure? 540 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,316 I know it's been tough, me working this much, 541 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,085 and I guess I went a little overboard 542 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,420 with the whole artsy thing. 543 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,655 (laughing): I know. 544 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:49,822 The cape. 545 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:50,990 What about my cape? 546 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,024 I love it. 547 00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:53,159 And I... 548 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,327 I know that you love this job. 549 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:55,828 I should be more supportive-- I just miss you. 550 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,764 I miss you, too. 551 00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,266 Hey, guys. 552 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,368 Hey. Hey. 553 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,503 You guys are all so lucky. 554 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,105 When am I gonna find something real? 555 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:07,440 Well, Emsbry, 556 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,509 ready to see what it's like to be with a woman? 557 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,244 (British accent): I suppose there's 558 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,480 a first time for everything. 559 00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:16,416 Go ahead. My son. 560 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,784 (majestic theme playing) 561 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:18,785 Okay. 562 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,821 Yeah, all right. 563 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,729 Are you guys sure we're gonna like this Woodworthy Manor show? 564 00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:31,631 Yeah, it sounds kind of boring. 565 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:32,865 (gasping) 566 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,133 Kind of boring? 567 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,068 Grab a seat guys, but trust me, 568 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,604 you're only gonna need the edge. 569 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,106 (concerto plays) Ah-ha, all right, now, 570 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,608 a little backstory. 571 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:45,211 Lady Stoutshire has developed a serious case of croquet ankle 572 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:49,115 and the cook Mrs. Bootbrush can't find enough chestnuts 573 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,217 for a proper St. Crispin's Day goose. 574 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,485 Let's watch. 575 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,632 I love you. 576 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:06,666 My wrist is broken. 577 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,835 Worth it. Ow.