1
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,640
MARSHALL:
This is the life.

2
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,077
We got the three B's.

3
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:12,146
Beach, booze
and bodacious babes.

4
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,647
I don't know.

5
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,516
I'm starting to think
we should call the police.

6
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,085
Oh, would you relax?

7
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,819
We've got it made.

8
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,888
One whole week
at his bodacious beach house,

9
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:23,191
no strings attached.

10
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:26,127
Well, there is one
string attached.

11
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,897
Hi, Barney.

12
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:40,208
BOTH:
Bodacious.

13
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,942
(gasps)
"Weekend at Barney's!"

14
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,111
What is it? What's wrong?

15
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,713
The plays, Robin, the plays.

16
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,048
The ingenious techniques I used
as a bachelor

17
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,017
to pick up busty dullards.

18
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,086
They just keep coming to me;
I can't turn them off.

19
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,588
Okay, Barney, let me
ease your mind, okay?

20
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:56,056
All right, here we go.

21
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,291
Remember when you set

22
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,127
your Playbook on fire?

23
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:08,136
That was the moment I realized
you were someone I could marry.

24
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,904
And I'd burn it again
if I could.

25
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,106
You're right.

26
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,274
I'm done with all these plays.

27
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,476
Besides, there's no way
I'll ever come up

28
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,945
with anything that tops
"Weekend at Barney's."

29
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:20,013
(chuckles)

30
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,387
"Weekend at Barney's Two!"

31
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,489
Damn it, Barney!
(panting)

32
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,271
So, there's this big

33
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,173
gallery opening tonight.

34
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:48,176
Oh, we'd love to, but
we've got this, um...

35
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,843
Genesis reunion,
Madison Square Garden,

36
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,011
front row.

37
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:51,979
It's gonna be legend...

38
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,147
I wasn't inviting you guys.

39
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:56,083
Oh, thank God.
There is no concert.

40
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,851
As the captain's
new art buyer,

41
00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:00,454
I have to go schmooze
this up-and-coming artist,

42
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:01,989
Strickland Stevens,

43
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,525
so we get first dibs
on all his new stuff.

44
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,126
And I'll be helping
Lily seal the deal

45
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,028
by impressing
the intelligentsia

46
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,530
with some art-related
hilarity.

47
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,166
I've prepared some jokes.

48
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,135
Why couldn't the art
dealer pay his rent?

49
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,170
I don't know. Why?

50
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,438
This is gonna be rough.

51
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,608
Because he ran
out of Monet.

52
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,809
You're gonna get that

53
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,811
on the walk home.
How about this one?

54
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,713
You know what, we'd...
we'd love to hear it,

55
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,181
but we've got that,
um... that...

56
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:29,617
Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall,
backstage pass. Let's go.

57
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,152
We don't want to miss
whatever their big song was.
Yeah.

58
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,988
Your wedding response card,
as promised.

59
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,291
Why didn't you just mail
it like everybody else?

60
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,793
Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.

61
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,029
You should be touched
that I hand-delivered it.

62
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:46,534
Has social media so eroded
our interpersonal relationships

63
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,135
that we no longer wish
to experience the...

64
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,169
You wanted to
keep the stamp?

65
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,238
They're 46 cents now.

66
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,339
It's getting out of hand.

67
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:55,075
"Your invitation
is joyfully accepted

68
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,978
by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette."

69
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,480
(groaning)

70
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,081
NARRATOR:
Kids, as you'll recall,

71
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:02,216
Jeanette was
the last girl I dated

72
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,317
before I met your mother.

73
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,352
My friends only had

74
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:05,586
one tiny problem with her.

75
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:06,754
(alarm buzzing)

76
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,423
She was nuts.

77
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,360
So you're bringing
a plus one?

78
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,161
If you count the
voices in her head,

79
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,429
it's plus five.

80
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,164
Guys, I'm bringing her,

81
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,166
and you're gonna love
having her there.

82
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,034
Oh, and, um, by the way,

83
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,870
just so this doesn't turn
into an argument later,

84
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,104
the dress she's gonna wear

85
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,205
isn't technically white;
it's eggshell.

86
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,941
The shoes are white, though.

87
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,943
And the gloves.

88
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,979
And the veil.
Well, see you guys.

89
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,282
No, no, no.
Mosby! Get...

90
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:40,020
Oh, my God, what happened?

91
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,022
Oh, I trashed your apartment.

92
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,391
See, I got bored,

93
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,759
so I started going
through all your e-mails.

94
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,128
Sure.
And I found one from a woman

95
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,364
with the subject line,
"big penis orgasms,"

96
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,366
so naturally,
I smashed your plates,

97
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,034
knifed your mattress,
peed in your drawers,

98
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,969
the whole nine, but then,

99
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,971
while I was upper-decking
your toilet,

100
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,973
I actually read the e-mail.

101
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,109
Turns out it was spam.

102
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,878
Classic Jeanette, huh?

103
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,614
Oh, my God.

104
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:09,750
You are certifiably insane...

105
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,219
...about me.

106
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,821
Come here, you knucklehead.

107
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,088
I can't stay mad at you.

108
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,724
Ted, Ted,
I'm breaking up with you.

109
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:17,758
You're just

110
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:18,959
so intense,

111
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,329
and it's all moving
way too fast.

112
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,430
Here's your key back.

113
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,165
I never gave you a key.

114
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,967
And here's
your grandmother's ring.

115
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,303
She was buried wearing this.

116
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,104
And just like that,

117
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,440
it was over.

118
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:34,775
I texted Barney and Robin.

119
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:35,976
I'm sure they're over the moon

120
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,077
that Jeanette's not coming
to the wedding.

121
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,647
Oh, no, Ted, no.

122
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,650
They're not gonna be
happy about you being sad.

123
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:43,984
They broke up!

124
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,119
(screaming)

125
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,621
Ted, respectfully,

126
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:50,190
are you sure that this was
the right girl for you?

127
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,592
Of course not.

128
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,160
She was crazy.

129
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,095
Absolutely a nightmare.

130
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,263
It's totally not worth
the trouble.

131
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,031
I mean, no matter how...

132
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,968
no matter how great the sex was.

133
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,136
Uh-oh.
Stay with us, buddy.

134
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,706
No matter how hot and passionate

135
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,141
and surprising,

136
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:09,810
possibly illegal...

137
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,845
I don't like this.
Me, neither.

138
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:13,947
I'm gonna win her back.

139
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,716
(groaning)

140
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,318
Barney and Robin are gonna be
so happy I'm happy.

141
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,220
(sobbing)
I know.

142
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:22,956
I know.

143
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,693
Did you just unhook my bra?

144
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:28,128
Shh. There, there.

145
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,364
NARRATOR:
That night was
the big gallery show.

146
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,299
Hey. I'm so sorry.

147
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,902
I decided to grab a snack
from the bodega.
Why?

148
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,003
They'll have food
at the gallery.

149
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,671
Oh, come on,
these places never have food.

150
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:38,706
It's fine.

151
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,408
I got some Skittles.

152
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:43,744
NARRATOR:
That was the last bag
of Skittles

153
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,979
your Uncle Marshall
would ever buy.

154
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,216
Meanwhile, I headed over
to Jeanette's place

155
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,351
to win her back.
(bell dings)

156
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,387
(doors close)

157
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,493
What the hell?

158
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,061
I can't let you do this, Ted.

159
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,863
I want Jeanette back.

160
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,098
Well, then accept my apology.

161
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,734
For what?

162
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,301
(sighs)
This.

163
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,109
Ow, ow, ow! Damn it!
You're strong.

164
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,845
That's just from Pilates?

165
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,112
Twice a week.

166
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,849
Look, I don't want you
getting back with Jeanette.

167
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,418
Ted, what is my one rule?

168
00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,219
You can tell how old a girl is
by her elbows?

169
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,521
My other one rule.

170
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:29,222
Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?

171
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:30,524
My other one rule.

172
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:32,025
Always have a fake pair
of concert tickets

173
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,127
in your pocket in case Lily
invites you to something stupid?

174
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:36,964
My other one rule.
Lebanese girls sprint to third
base and then stay there?

175
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,866
My other one rule.
New is always better.

176
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,067
New is always better!

177
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,769
Exactly, Ted.

178
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,571
You want to invite a date
to our wedding,

179
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,972
it is not gonna be Jeanette.

180
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,874
It is gonna be someone new.

181
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,142
And I am gonna help you
find her

182
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,111
with a little help from...

183
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:53,280
The Playbook.

184
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,548
The Playbook?

185
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:55,716
Didn't you burn that?

186
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,551
Oh, I didn't burn the real one.

187
00:06:57,585 --> 00:07:00,053
That was
the ceremonial playbook

188
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,421
for parades,

189
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,590
mall openings,

190
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:03,957
inaugurations, stuff like that.

191
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,126
That's a pretty big secret
to keep from Robin.

192
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,061
Which is exactly
why I'm trusting you,

193
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,397
my best bro,
to never let her know

194
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,999
that the Playbook still exists.

195
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,334
Pinky swear?

196
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,004
Fine.

197
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,706
Wow.

198
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,643
See, I told you.

199
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,513
Thank God I snuck in
this bag of goodness.

200
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,683
(gasps)
There's Strickland Stevens.

201
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:30,984
MARSHALL:
Wow.

202
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,986
Even his scarf
is up-and-coming.

203
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:36,624
Are you gonna be okay
by yourself for a few minutes?

204
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,291
Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't I be?

205
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:41,294
Well, you're sitting
on an $80,000 sculpture.

206
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,163
For 80 grand,

207
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,965
you'd think it
would be more comfortable.

208
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,700
Lil, I'll be fine.

209
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,836
Do you know
who you're talking to?

210
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,038
In high school,
I was voted most outgoing

211
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,306
freshman, sophomore
and senior year.

212
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,208
What happened junior year?

213
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:58,378
Egdud Ferhaki,

214
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,981
that outgoing son of a bitch.

215
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,651
He beat you for most outgoing?

216
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,586
Huh? Oh, no, we tied.

217
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,058
Look, the point is, I can make
friends anywhere, even here.

218
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,393
Thanks, baby.
You got it.

219
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,362
(clicks tongue)

220
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,130
Hey, excuse me.

221
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,066
Listen.

222
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:21,535
Do you think that you
would enjoy a show

223
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:25,505
featuring Donatello, Raphael,

224
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:28,141
Michelangelo and Leonardo?

225
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,009
Sound like
you're a fan

226
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,811
of the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.

227
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,012
Gotcha. Skin it.

228
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,853
He will get that
on the drive home.

229
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,855
NARRATOR:
He didn't.

230
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,592
Fireworks?
Yeah.

231
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,694
Everything in there is a
prop we'll need for tonight.

232
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,235
Everything.

233
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,404
All right, here's how
this is going down.

234
00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:00,040
You'll be wearing this
earpiece and microphone.

235
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,776
I'll be staked out here,
telling you exactly what to say,

236
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:05,078
so just stay focused
and you'll be fine.

237
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,615
Which play
are we gonna run first?

238
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,683
How about
the "Weekend at Barney's"?

239
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,184
(chuckles)

240
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,953
Oh, Ted, your first day
at the salon,

241
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,755
and you want
to do a cut and color?

242
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,189
No.

243
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,091
Tonight we're gonna
start off with...

244
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,695
Ice Man to Neruda.

245
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,563
Ice Man to Neruda.

246
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:24,965
Bogey at 10:00,

247
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,133
and she is packing
two fully-operational

248
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,901
sweater stretchers.

249
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:30,904
That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar,
bravo, Sierra.

250
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,472
Possible delta cups.

251
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,975
Copy that. Engaging target.

252
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,543
Over.

253
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,145
Excuse me,
I have a delivery for Lisa.

254
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,480
Excuse me, I have
a delivery for Lisa.

255
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,549
Are you Lisa?
Are you Lisa?

256
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,884
Uh, no.

257
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:44,985
But you must be.

258
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,453
I was told to...

259
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:49,790
...deliver this package
to a girl named Lisa,

260
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,959
and that I'd recognize her
because she'd be...

261
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,127
The most beautiful girl
in this bar.

262
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,663
So, here's your delivery,

263
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:56,930
Lisa.

264
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,065
Uh, I am definitely
not Lisa,

265
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:02,102
but I would be happy
to help you find her.

266
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,105
Great, and then maybe later...

267
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:08,108
I could give you
a different package-- my penis.

268
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,746
That is a terrible line!

269
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,981
You said it wrong.

270
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,182
I did not say it wrong.

271
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,583
My penis.

272
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,951
No.
My penis.

273
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,854
Still not right.
My penis, my penis, my penis!

274
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,224
(muttering):
Hello.

275
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,328
LILY:
This sucks.

276
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,863
I can't get near Strickland.

277
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,464
At least Marshall's having
a good time.

278
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:35,002
Man, he always knows
just the right thing to say.

279
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,905
For a gay guy,
Andy Warhol sure liked cans.

280
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,142
This sucks.

281
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,811
Maybe I've lost my charm.

282
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,478
No, Marshall,

283
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,715
if Lily's gonna make it
in this fancy art world,

284
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,050
you're gonna have to make it,
too, so suck it up,

285
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,819
stop sitting on the art,

286
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:54,187
and bust out the "A" material.

287
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:00,527
You two keep chugging
like that,

288
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,895
you're gonna have to

289
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,131
Vincent van go
to the bathroom, am I right?

290
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,099
It's pronounced van Gogh.

291
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,403
Oh, "blogh" me.

292
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:14,307
I still don't get why someone
would leave the hospital

293
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,209
without changing
into their clothes first. Over.

294
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,577
Ted, this is my thing.

295
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,512
So just... okay?

296
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:20,513
Over.

297
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,850
Okay? Over.

298
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,186
Are you all right?

299
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,554
What? Oh.

300
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:30,057
Yes, yes, I'm fine.

301
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,192
Tomorrow, I'm...

302
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,828
donating a kidney
to my best friend.

303
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,930
My best friend Barney.

304
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,365
Not Marshall.

305
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,933
Barney.

306
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,368
Marshall's so lame.

307
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:44,171
Anyway, uh...

308
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,673
just wanted to grab
one last drink, in case...

309
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,076
you know, I don't make it.

310
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,610
You are so brave.

311
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,079
Hey, listen. (clears throat)

312
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,982
Before I give my best friend
this organ, how about...

313
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:57,851
Nope.

314
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,119
Nope, I'm not saying that.

315
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,254
I did hear you,

316
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:03,223
but I'm not saying that.

317
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,524
Because I'm not.

318
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,793
Are you okay?

319
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,461
One second. I know you put
a lot of work into this.

320
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:09,496
I understand that.

321
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:11,498
I understand that.

322
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,500
I understand that.

323
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,070
I understand that.

324
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:18,238
Why can't I just
talk to her?

325
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,840
Maybe we'll hit it off...

326
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,375
(sighs)

327
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,944
Fine.

328
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,345
Copy that.

329
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,816
(clears throat)

330
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,952
How about I give you
a different organ?

331
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,687
My penis.

332
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,260
You said it wrong.

333
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,929
I did not say it wrong!

334
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,232
Thank you all so much
for coming.

335
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,666
If you'll
indulge me,

336
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,135
I would like to share a story

337
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,403
about my dearly departed
grandmother.

338
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,571
MARSHALL:
Oh, God.

339
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,640
News flash, Johnny Ascot:

340
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,675
Lots of people
have dead grandmas.

341
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,144
No, Marshall.

342
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,946
Don't be bitter.

343
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,413
You're here for Lily.

344
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,515
Just look at her,
so professional.

345
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,785
She hasn't sat
on a single piece of art.

346
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,989
You're gonna ride this thing
out with dignity for Lily.

347
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,591
Not one more thing
that might embarrass her.

348
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,862
I will simply stand here.

349
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:18,131
Perfectly invisible.

350
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:19,666
And so I dedicate this show

351
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,801
to my grandmother's memory.

352
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,770
Now...

353
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,373
please join me in honoring her

354
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:30,710
with 60 seconds
of absolute silence.

355
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,317
(clattering)

356
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,339
(one Skittle rattles on floor)

357
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,412
BARNEY:
Okay, Neruda, this play is

358
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,080
extremely complicated.

359
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,481
Let me guess.
Does it involve me

360
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,483
saying "my penis"
in a Scottish accent?

361
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,119
(Scottish accent):
Now you're gettin' it, laddie!

362
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,854
Hey!

363
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,189
Robin. What are you doing here?

364
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,657
I was curious as to whether

365
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,226
you found Ted a date
to our wedding

366
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,128
who was a little less,
you know, Antichrist-y.

367
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,599
Is that the Playbook?

368
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:31,604
No, Robin, that is a couch.

369
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,015
Oh, you mean
the Playbook on the couch?

370
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,016
I can explain.

371
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,117
Don't bother.

372
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:46,119
I can ex...
Uh, Ted? Uh...

373
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,720
I got to step away from
mission control for a sec.

374
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,589
Don't do anything stupid
while I'm gone.

375
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,224
Robin...

376
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,260
(no dialogue)

377
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,639
Robin, wait.

378
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,241
Um... shoot.
I haven't figured out

379
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,143
what I'm gonna say yet.
Keep going.

380
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,646
Robin, wait.

381
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,617
Look, I'm sorry
that I still have the Playbook.

382
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,053
It's just, it's filled
with a lifetime of great ideas.

383
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:22,122
Am I supposed to just
leave all that behind?

384
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,457
Yes.
But...

385
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,726
"Weekend at Barney's"!

386
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,995
Okay, what is that?

387
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,063
Explain the
"Weekend at Barney's" to me.

388
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,064
What's to explain?

389
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,232
I play a dead guy,

390
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,900
and Ted and Marshall
carry me around.

391
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,969
Okay. And based on that,
girls want to sleep with you.

392
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:37,304
Big time.
But you're dead.

393
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,439
Yeah. Except not really,
obviously.

394
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,974
But the girl thinks you're dead.

395
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,075
No, she thinks I'm alive.

396
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,176
Which you are.
Exactly.

397
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,911
Except you're dead.
Exactly.

398
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,479
Except you're alive.
Exactly.

399
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:49,016
Okay, so instead of...
of being an alive person

400
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,118
pretending to be a dead person

401
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,485
pretending to be
an alive person,

402
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:55,055
why not just be an alive person?

403
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:58,658
Okay, let's start
from the beginning.

404
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:02,795
The movie is called
Weekend at Bernie's.

405
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,298
My name is Barney.

406
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,801
I'm so sorry,
sweetie.

407
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,037
I don't know
if you heard,

408
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,471
but I dropped
some Skittles.

409
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,505
Do you know what,
I'm just gonna

410
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,840
go home before I
make things worse.

411
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,442
You're not
going anywhere.

412
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,609
We're a team.

413
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,610
You stuck by me

414
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,379
after my nip slip

415
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,181
at your law school graduation.

416
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,184
And after my nip slip
at the GNB Christmas party.

417
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,818
And after my nip slip

418
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,987
at the Honeywell and Coots
Family Fun Day.

419
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:30,123
I don't know why you
keep wearing that top.

420
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,891
All right,
I'll stay put,

421
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,126
but I'm keeping
my mouth shut.

422
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,229
No more jokes,
no more candy,

423
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,198
no more Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.

424
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:39,899
Hey, are you guys
talking Ninja Turtles?

425
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,402
I'm a huge TMNT fan.

426
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,071
I grew up on those comic books.

427
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,539
Me, too!
I was obsessed.

428
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:48,641
Did you know that
the original comic debuted

429
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,010
in 1984 at a convention
in New Hampshire?

430
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:52,379
Uh, yes.

431
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,581
Did you know that Eastman and
Laird always had their doubts

432
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,049
about their characters
being commercialized?

433
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,084
Yes!

434
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:59,018
Did you know that the painting
on the back wall

435
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,220
is inspired by Master Splinter?

436
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,157
Oh, the one of the
rat doing karate.

437
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,093
I see it now.

438
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,060
Hey, I'm Strickland.

439
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,695
Hey. Marshall.

440
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:11,564
And this is my wife, Lily,
who, as a matter of fact,

441
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,600
happens to represent one of
the biggest art collectors

442
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:14,701
in New York City.

443
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,103
I love your work.

444
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,671
It's great to see you
getting some recognition.

445
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,373
Thank you.
It's been a long haul.

446
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,375
The first painting
I ever sold,

447
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,412
I used the money
to get my car fixed.

448
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,080
You might say...

449
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:30,016
I used it to make my van go.

450
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,284
(laughing):
That's...

451
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,286
(laughing)

452
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,256
Um, a little something
called rigor mortis?

453
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:37,890
Oh, come on.

454
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,892
Are you really this
mad about a book?

455
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,795
You really think that this
is just about a book, Barney?

456
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:44,731
You lied to me.

457
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,065
If we're gonna
be in a marriage

458
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,535
and trust each other,
you can't lie to me ever.

459
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:49,636
Really?

460
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,037
Well, that's just great.

461
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,073
Because, in case you haven't
noticed these last eight years,

462
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,075
lying is what I do best.

463
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,412
I'm a magician, Robin.

464
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:03,750
Misdirection and deceit
are my stock in trade.

465
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,452
You don't want me
to lie to you?

466
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,087
Lies are the reason
that we're together.

467
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,123
Everything single
thing I did

468
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,225
to get you to say yes
to me on that rooftop--

469
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,594
Patrice, the false
engagement, everything--

470
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,929
it was all utter malarkey.

471
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,097
But...

472
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,133
underneath all
of those lies

473
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,235
is one true thing.

474
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:25,172
One true thing
that can support the weight

475
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:28,275
of all the lies
in the world, and...

476
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,177
and that's the fact
that I love you.

477
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,611
And you know

478
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,079
that when I say that...

479
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,514
I am not lying.

480
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,492
Wha...

481
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:57,870
Did you just unhook
my bra again?

482
00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,105
(Barney shushes)

483
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,106
TED:
Jeanette,

484
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,508
this is great.

485
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,009
We're back together.

486
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,645
You're coming to Barney
and Robin's wedding.

487
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:08,548
I found two wine glasses
you didn't smash.

488
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,650
Call me crazy,
but I've got a feeling,

489
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,220
from here on out, it's gonna be
nothing but blue skies and...

490
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,221
What...

491
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,788
the hell...

492
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,224
is this?!

493
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:20,026
(cell phone chiming)

494
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:21,027
Uh-oh.

495
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:22,729
Check out this
text from Ted.

496
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,397
(sighs)

497
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,336
Oh, my...

498
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,238
What the hell
happened here?

499
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,172
Jeanette and I had
a little spat.

500
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,475
(cuckoos)

501
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,176
Would anyone like some wine?

502
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,511
It's a nice Côtes du Rhne.

503
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,179
Still needs to breathe a bit.

504
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,249
You know what?
I got a decanter upstairs, so...

505
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,185
We should just drink it now.

506
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:47,487
JEANETTE:
And for

507
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,688
the grand finale,

508
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,223
I found your fireworks.

509
00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:52,359
Let's see what they do
to your precious Playbook!

510
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:53,560
TED:
No!

511
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:54,727
Jeanette, please,

512
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,396
that's Barney's
life's work!

513
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:57,564
BARNEY:
It's fine, Ted.

514
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:00,233
Blow it up, Jeanette.

515
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:04,437
* Put a candle in the window

516
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:12,545
* 'Cause I feel
I've got to move *

517
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:20,119
* Though I'm going, going

518
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:23,556
* I'll be coming home soon

519
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:27,226
* Long as I can see
the light... *

520
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,971
Okay.

521
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:41,408
No more dating.

522
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,310
I'm ready to settle down.

523
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,644
NARRATOR:
And, kids...

524
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,045
for the first time in my life,

525
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,614
I really meant it.

526
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:48,615
Oh!

527
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,617
MARSHALL:
Oh...
The boots...

528
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,118
(laughing)

529
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:54,186
(groans)