1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,138 Thanks. 2 00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:05,739 That's weird. I have a message. 3 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,075 That's weird. 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,409 You still have an answering machine. 5 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,244 (beep) 6 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,080 Ted, this is the Captain. 7 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,848 Please call me back at your earliest convenience. 8 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,286 Oh, crap. 9 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,933 NARRATOR: Kids, you remember the Captain. 10 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,035 He was one of the richest men in New York, 11 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,105 and when I met him, he was married to Zoey, 12 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:40,074 who I ended up... befriending. 13 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:43,211 Oh, man, he seems pissed. Does he? 14 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,079 Yes. Listen. (beep) 15 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:48,182 Ted, this is the Captain. 16 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:51,719 Please call me back at your earliest convenience. 17 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,954 Oh, I hear it now. 18 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,189 What? I don't know. 19 00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:57,057 Listen again. (beep) 20 00:00:57,091 --> 00:01:00,228 Ted, this is the Captain. 21 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:06,267 Please call me back at your earliest convenience. 22 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,068 MARSHALL: He sounds pissed. 23 00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,037 Yeah, and I think I know why. 24 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,106 It has to do with the last time I saw him. 25 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,775 It was, um... it was, like, a year and a half ago. 26 00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,145 Oh, boy, that was a crazy story. 27 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,812 (chuckling): Oh, boy, yeah. 28 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,914 I remember. 29 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,049 You weren't there. 30 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,084 Ted, bubbeleh. 31 00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:27,155 If you have a crazy story, I was there. 32 00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,989 That's just a law of the universe. 33 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,124 So what happened? 34 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,459 Well, it was a few weeks 35 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,262 after Zoey and I broke up, and I was on the rebound, 36 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:37,998 and I kind of rekindled things with that girl, Becky. 37 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,901 Becky? Boats, boats, boats. 38 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:41,969 Boats, boats, boats! 39 00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:44,472 Boats! 40 00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,073 What's this a commercial for again? 41 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,075 I can't quite... 42 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:51,078 Boats, boats, boats! 43 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,346 Oh, get a room, you two. 44 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:53,581 TED: You weren't there. 45 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,149 I was, too. 46 00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:57,185 All right, you were there? Tell me the story. 47 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,786 I like the way you tell it. 48 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,421 Please, I insist. 49 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,290 Okay, we'll tell it together. 50 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,258 Okay. 51 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:07,094 Lily... Lily... 52 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,996 had invited us... ...had invited us... 53 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:09,997 ...to an art... 54 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,965 ...Garfunkel concert. 55 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,100 ...gallery opening. 56 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,203 An Art Garfunkel gallery opening concert. 57 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,338 Go on, Ted. You're doing great. 58 00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,339 Anyway, 59 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,807 I get to the gallery... 60 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,176 This place is so fancy. 61 00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:24,378 I hope I don't embarrass myself. 62 00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:25,446 What? Lily, come on. 63 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,114 You got nothing to be embarrassed about. 64 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,983 Dude, look who it is. 65 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,985 And who should walk in but... 66 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,455 Daddy's home. 67 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,457 Nope. 68 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,560 Well, well, Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. 69 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:40,994 What are you doing here? 70 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,964 Um, well, uh, Lily saw an ad for this... 71 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:44,965 Gallery? 72 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,735 So we... we came to check out the... 73 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,069 Artwork. 74 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:51,505 And then we ran into... 75 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:52,873 Me. 76 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,342 TED: Man, this guy's so rude. 77 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,510 I mean, I get why he's mad. 78 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:59,179 I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly. 79 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,515 Still, he's being a jerk. 80 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,184 Someone needs to bring him down a peg. 81 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:05,886 I'm sorry. Where are my... 82 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,755 Manners. 83 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,190 That's how that feels. 84 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,392 This is my art consultant. 85 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,026 Shelly. 86 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,828 Art consultant? What's that? 87 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,330 Oh, Shelly helps the Captain 88 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:17,998 select artwork based on its aesthetic appeal 89 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,268 and value as an investment. 90 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:23,003 That's why I think she's gonna love 91 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,438 this elephant painting. 92 00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:27,241 I think this artist is going places. 93 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,442 Well, I should go. 94 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,110 Captain, we'll talk tomorrow? 95 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,779 At ease. 96 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,014 Hey, if you like art, 97 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,016 you should see the painting I just acquired. 98 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,985 It's in my apartment just upstairs. 99 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:42,790 It's gonna blow you away. 100 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,226 Anyone with this kind of ashtray money 101 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,862 probably has an island where he hunts people. 102 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,031 Probably somewhere in the Caribbean. 103 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:54,001 I bet there's good snorkeling. 104 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,605 Hello, my darling, 105 00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,141 my one true love, my everything. 106 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,276 So, who wants to see 107 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,044 that painting? 108 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,913 Okay, Captain, we know why 109 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,047 you brought us up here. It's, uh... 110 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,649 it's about me and Zoey. 111 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,117 Ted, 112 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:13,321 if you've got something to say, 113 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,456 say it. 114 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,724 A harpoon gun? 115 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,792 A double-barreled harpoon gun. 116 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,394 One barrel. 117 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:21,495 With a scope. 118 00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,096 No scope. 119 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,265 I know you're upset, Captain, but I promise you 120 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:26,767 nothing happened between me and Zoey 121 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,101 until after you guys split up, okay? 122 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,269 So let's... 123 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,939 Let's please, just-just-just put this down. 124 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,142 Okay? Okay, oh, there we go. 125 00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,311 Look, Ted, 126 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:38,479 I'm not mad at you. 127 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,080 The truth is I'm in love 128 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,082 with somebody else now, so we're fine. 129 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,853 Just don't steal this one from me, too, okay? 130 00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:47,921 Okay? 131 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,122 (laughter) Of course. 132 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,959 I promise. Okay. 133 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,527 But that got me thinking. 134 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,128 Who was this new lady in his life? 135 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:57,931 I-I had this weird sinking feeling. 136 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,266 We both did. 137 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,300 I had to see that picture. 138 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,202 So I waited until everyone 139 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:04,638 was out of the room, and then... 140 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,149 BECKY: Boats, boats, boats! 141 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,184 No. 142 00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:20,187 No...! 143 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:23,023 She's "boats, boats, boats," and he's the Captain. 144 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,658 That's sweet; I'm happy for those two. 145 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:26,126 Ted, you suck. 146 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,128 (phone rings) 147 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,997 (gasps) Oh, my God, oh, my God. 148 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,699 It's him, it's him. What do I do? 149 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,200 What do I do? Ted, wait a second. 150 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,335 What do I do? Wait a second. Wait a second! 151 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:38,906 Hey, is there any chance that he is calling 152 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,909 to invite the three of us out on his boat? 153 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,712 Uh, I don't know, maybe like one percent. 154 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,014 Ted's phone. Hold for Ted. 155 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,384 Hello. 156 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,185 Ted, I'm gonna ask you something, 157 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:55,423 and I want you to be completely honest. 158 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:58,191 What's your friend Robin's number? 159 00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,427 What? 160 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,562 Ted, ask about the boat. 161 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,869 Uh, Captain, can... can I put you on hold? 162 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,037 Affirmative. 163 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,707 He wants Robin's number. 164 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,075 Should I give it to him? 165 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,210 Is he trying to hook up with my fiancée? 166 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:18,679 No, uh-uh. (snorts) 167 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,047 The only way that's happening 168 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,115 is if I get to hook up with someone, too. 169 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,617 Wait a second... No. 170 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,953 Unless... Absolutely not. 171 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,254 However... Forget it. 172 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,089 On the other hand... Ixnay! 173 00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:32,025 Guys, guys, I got to make a decision here. 174 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,027 Okay, you know what, I say do it. 175 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,095 If it is a booty call, 176 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:36,697 then Robin will just let him down easy, 177 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,766 but in the meantime, Ted is back on the Captain's good side. 178 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:41,034 We all get to go out on his boat; I get to steer it. 179 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,269 Everybody wins. 180 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:43,704 Okay. 181 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,773 Fine. Give him her number. 182 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,074 You don't think she'll mind? 183 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,208 I don't think she'll mind. 184 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,243 You gave the Captain my number? 185 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,445 She minds. 186 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,113 Do you not remember that night 187 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,716 we hung out with him at the art show? 188 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:56,984 Oh, right, of course you don't remember 189 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,251 because, earlier that night, 190 00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,253 you shared a big, fat sandwich with Becky. 191 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:03,056 Boats, boats, boats! 192 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:06,326 What's this a commercial for again? 193 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,628 Yeah, so? 194 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,663 I hardly think that changes the story. 195 00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,465 Mmm. Mmm. 196 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,733 Delicious! 197 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,402 This place is so fancy. 198 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,270 I hope I don't embarrass myself. 199 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,506 Oh, come on, Lily. 200 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,173 You got nothing to be embarrassed about. 201 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,145 Dude, look who's here. 202 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,179 Daddy's home. 203 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:30,684 Nope. Nope. 204 00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:31,685 Well, well. 205 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:32,753 (screams) 206 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,254 Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. 207 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,523 What are you doing here? 208 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,926 Well, Lily... 209 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,662 saw an ad for this... 210 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,334 Gallery. 211 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,304 So we thought we'd, um... 212 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,340 come and check out the... 213 00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:58,045 Artwork? 214 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:05,052 And then we ran into... 215 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,222 Me? 216 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,158 ROBIN: And the Captain wasn't glaring at you. 217 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,826 He couldn't take his eyes off... 218 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,194 Hey, nice to see you again. 219 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,495 Yeah, you, too. 220 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,864 Oh. 221 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,999 Man, this guy is so rude. 222 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,668 I mean, I get why he's upset. 223 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:24,638 I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly. 224 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,473 Still, 225 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,808 the guy's being a jerk. 226 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,977 Someone needs to take him down a peg. 227 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,912 (clears throat) Sorry. 228 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,581 Where are my manners? 229 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:36,016 This is Shelly, my art consultant. 230 00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,651 Art consultant? What's that? 231 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,753 Shelly helps the Captain select artwork 232 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,054 based on aesthetic... 233 00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:42,856 Manners! 234 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:45,125 That's how that feels. 235 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,997 ...appeal 236 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,499 and value as an investment, 237 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,201 and that's why I think she's gonna love 238 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,603 this elephant painting. 239 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,739 I think this artist is going places. 240 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,441 Well, I should go. 241 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,377 Captain, we'll talk tomorrow. 242 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,214 If you like art, 243 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,117 you should see the painting I just acquired. 244 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:15,723 It's gonna blow you away. 245 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,126 Snorkeling. 246 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,961 ROBIN: Then, after I saved you from destroying 247 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,529 a priceless crystal ashtray... 248 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:23,997 You're welcome. (screams) 249 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,600 Hello, my darling, 250 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,436 my one true love, my everything. 251 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,939 Ahoy? 252 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,809 So who wants to see that painting? 253 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,978 Okay, Captain. 254 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,981 We all know why you brought us up here. 255 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:44,251 This is about me and, um... (snaps fingers) 256 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,119 Zoey. 257 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:48,388 All right, Ted. 258 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,157 If you've got something to say, 259 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,760 say it. 260 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:53,994 Whoa, whoa. 261 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,095 A remote control? 262 00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,129 A remote control. 263 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,899 Let's relax. 264 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268 I-I know you're upset, Captain. 265 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,336 I-I just... I want to assure you 266 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,272 nothing happened between me and Zoey 267 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,340 until after you guys had split up. 268 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,076 So let's just... let's just... 269 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,111 let's put this down. 270 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:14,481 Okay, okay. 271 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,516 There we go. 272 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,688 Ted, I'm not mad at you. 273 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,022 Truth is, I'm in love 274 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:24,725 with somebody else now. 275 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,929 So he invited me back to his bedroom 276 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,831 to show me this painting, and... 277 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,100 Finally. 278 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,768 We're alone. 279 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,269 BARNEY: Robin, no, I don't want 280 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,971 to picture that. Nothing happened. 281 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,473 Aw, that means hand stuff. What? 282 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,675 No. 283 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,376 I'm serious-- he was on the rebound. 284 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,980 I told him to take some time to pull himself together and... 285 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,116 call me in a year and a half. 286 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,550 BARNEY: Ah, great. 287 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,119 What if he asks you out? 288 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,554 What does that mean for our relationship? 289 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:57,557 What, are we planning to be in some super-enlightened, 290 00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,326 forward-thinking marriage, 291 00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:02,195 where we don't get hung up on the suffocating 292 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:04,698 and outdated principles of monogamy, 293 00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:05,966 and instead enjoy 294 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,801 the company of multiple partners, 295 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:11,404 sometimes bringing said partners into our marital bed, 296 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,673 but just girls, not dudes, 297 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:15,876 except maybe one time just to see what that's like? 298 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,011 I mean, is that what you want? 299 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,147 No. 300 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,149 Okay. 301 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,184 Me, neither! 302 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,686 Okay, Robin, look, you-you need to call the Captain 303 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,056 and let him down easy, okay? 304 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,258 Let him move on with his life. 305 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:34,394 Let him go out on his boat with his old friends, 306 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,897 maybe some new friends. 307 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,933 Maybe let one of those new friends steer the boat. 308 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,070 Just so that one of them could say, 309 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:46,106 "Iceberg straight ahead!" 310 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:48,175 Fine. 311 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,210 (sighs) 312 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,180 Ahoy. 313 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,215 Hi. Captain, it's Robin. 314 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,117 Ahoy. 315 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,551 Uh, look, 316 00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,420 I, uh, have to be upfront with you. 317 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,089 I'm engaged. 318 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,124 Engaged? I thought you were married to Marshall. 319 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,226 This is Robin, right? 320 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,594 The redheaded kindergarten teacher 321 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,629 who wore the gray dress and the blue shoes 322 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,064 to that art show? 323 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,632 Can you please hold a moment? 324 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:13,901 Dropping anchor. 325 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,237 He's looking for Lily. 326 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,206 Should I give him her number? 327 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,708 Yeah. We've already discussed it. 328 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,476 It's $4 million cash. 329 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,779 Oh, her phone number. 330 00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:27,247 Yes, I don't think she'll mind. 331 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,817 You gave the Captain my number? 332 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,819 She minds. (sighs) 333 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,721 It finally happened. 334 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,090 My past finally caught up with me. 335 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,258 Oh, God. 336 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,127 Lily, if you tell me that you 337 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,962 slept with the Captain for anything under 2.8, 338 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,297 which we agreed was as low as we were going to go... 339 00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,499 No, it's nothing like that. 340 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,903 Do you guys remember the last time we saw the Captain? 341 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,104 ALL: Yes. LILY: Oh, right. 342 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,007 Of course you don't. Barney, you weren't there. 343 00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:56,076 Ted, you had just floated out of a Snoop Dogg B-side. 344 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,145 And, Robin, you had just come from that 345 00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,047 big meeting that ran long. 346 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,653 (whooping) 347 00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:09,156 (imitating drums) Delicious. Shrimpy for me. 348 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,158 This place is so fancy. 349 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,660 I hope I don't embarrass myself. 350 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:16,696 Come on, Lily, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. 351 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,933 Dude! 352 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,368 Look who's here! 353 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:22,535 Daddy's... 354 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,938 Nope. Nope. 355 00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,606 Well, well. (Ted shrieking) 356 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,275 Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. 357 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,378 Hello, sailor. 358 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,545 ROBIN: No! 359 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:35,983 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 360 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,886 Okay, yeah, that's what happened. 361 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,121 This is Shelly, my art consultant. 362 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,122 (scoffs) 363 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,723 Art consultant! 364 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,525 What's that? 365 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,160 Shelly helps the Captain select artwork 366 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,229 based on its aesthetic appeal 367 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,964 and its value as an investment, 368 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:53,500 which is why I think she's gonna love 369 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,002 this elephant painting. 370 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:58,738 I think this artist is going places. 371 00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,508 You'd have to be a real Dumbo not to enjoy this painting. 372 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:02,509 (laughs) Get it? 373 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,011 'Cause he's an elephant? 374 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:07,547 Your sense of humor is as good as your taste in art. 375 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,382 Captain? 376 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:10,683 We'll talk tomorrow? 377 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,853 If you like art, 378 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,855 you should see the painting I just acquired. 379 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:16,890 It's in my... 380 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,525 Manners. 381 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,060 That's how that feels. 382 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:26,199 In my apartment right upstairs. 383 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,401 It's gonna blow you away. 384 00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,870 Snorkeling. 385 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,106 LILY: Then, after I saved you from destroying 386 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,574 a priceless crystal ashtray... 387 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,176 You're welcome. 388 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,210 (shrieks) 389 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,448 Hello, my darling, my one true love, my everything. 390 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:48,088 So, who wants to see that painting? 391 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,190 Ooh, if you show me yours, 392 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,459 I'll show you mine. 393 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,427 So we check out the painting. 394 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,863 Huh. You know, 395 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,199 that elephant painting would look nice in here. 396 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,733 You're looking at a masterpiece, 397 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,070 and you're talking about some elephant painting? 398 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:06,039 TED (yelling): No...! 399 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:09,242 Oh, this one's nice, too. 400 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:12,279 I just like the elephant painting better. 401 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:16,916 You know, it doesn't matter what you like. 402 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,019 You're just a kindergarten teacher. 403 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,655 Ah, finally we're alone. 404 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:26,126 (giggles) 405 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:30,097 (snoring) 406 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,432 Oh, no, Lily, what did you do? 407 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,167 He was a jerk-- he deserved to have 408 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,436 that precious painting stolen. 409 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,071 Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...? 410 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,506 Of course I didn't. 411 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,642 I stole this ashtray instead. 412 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,816 Lily! Hey, you know the rules. 413 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:52,986 You misbehave, I take away one of your toys. 414 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,754 Aldrin Justice, baby. 415 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,289 So you're telling me that that ashtray 416 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:57,790 that's been in our apartment 417 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,359 for over a year and a half 418 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,794 is not only stolen, but also very expensive. 419 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:03,663 Both of those things-- yes. 420 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,166 Guys, can you leave us alone for a minute, please? 421 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,967 Ooh, they're gonna do it. 422 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,036 No, we're gonna fight. 423 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,472 And then maybe afterwards we'll do it. 424 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,208 I can't believe 425 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:16,643 that was the same ashtray. 426 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,145 I should've recognized it. 427 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,147 I know-- me, too. 428 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,981 Barney, you weren't there. 429 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,617 Why is it so important that you be part of this story? 430 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,220 Because crazy stories are my thing. 431 00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:28,821 You have architecture, 432 00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:29,989 Marshall has the law, 433 00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:31,024 Lily has art, 434 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:33,060 Robin has pleasing me sexually. 435 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,295 You all have a passion that drives you. 436 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,130 Well, if I have a passion, it's taking life 437 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,666 and turning it into a series of crazy stories. 438 00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:42,335 If you can do that without me, then... 439 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:45,405 I don't even know who I am anymore. 440 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,043 You know what, Barney? 441 00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,645 Now that I think about it, 442 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,081 you were there. 443 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,082 That's right, you were. 444 00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:56,083 I was? Yeah. 445 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,584 I mean, I know I was. 446 00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,053 That's what I'm saying, guys. 447 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:03,990 We just, uh... we just didn't realize it because... 448 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,692 you were in disguise. 449 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,094 Yeah, you were doing, uh, 450 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,728 one of your plays from the playbook. 451 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,930 On Shelly, the art consultant. 452 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,666 Yes, it was, uh, some play that had to do with art... 453 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,236 The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick? 454 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,004 A simple play you can do 455 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,039 using two everyday household objects-- 456 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,408 a Prussian military costume 457 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,042 and an oil painting of yourself? 458 00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,645 That's the one, and it worked on Shelly. 459 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:27,947 I totally nailed her! 460 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:30,750 And then I nailed her sister who was even hotter. 461 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,252 (laughing) 462 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,421 Good times. 463 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,689 You are gonna return that ashtray, and you're gonna pray 464 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,758 that he doesn't press charges, because I can't be 465 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,860 in a marriage where one of us is in prison. 466 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,762 I know that we role-play conjugal visits a lot, 467 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,764 but I can't do that for realsies. 468 00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,366 I'm sorry-- all rulings are final. 469 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,067 I am not taking it back. 470 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:49,602 Oh, my God! 471 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:50,737 Lily, 472 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,305 what is the big deal? 473 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,706 Okay, so what? 474 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,608 So he said you're just a kindergarten teacher. 475 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,076 Why do you let that bother you? 476 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,445 Because he was right. 477 00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,613 I am just a kindergarten teacher. 478 00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,215 And, yes, I have a degree 479 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,951 in art history and I was meant to do something with it, 480 00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,085 but I didn't. 481 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:07,487 Somewhere along the line, 482 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,056 I forgot to pursue my dream, and... 483 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,726 and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me. 484 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,994 Lily, okay, okay. 485 00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,663 It's too late. No, no, no, it's not too... 486 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,097 it's not too late. 487 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,167 You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, 488 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,069 and you're gonna... you're gonna go back and pick up 489 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,172 right where you left off with that art stuff. 490 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,773 And then you know what? 491 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,976 I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm gonna punch her in the face. 492 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,978 I am-- I'm gonna punch a girl... 493 00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:34,080 and run away. 494 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,583 Look. 495 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,285 I promise you, 496 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,488 your best and your most exciting days 497 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,490 are all ahead of you. 498 00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:48,328 I love you so much for saying that, 499 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:51,130 but there gets to be a point in life 500 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:54,201 where that just stops being true. 501 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:58,305 I'm sorry I stole this. 502 00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,207 I'll return it first thing tomorrow. 503 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,642 NARRATOR: And so the next day, Lily returned 504 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,311 to the Captain's apartment. 505 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,012 Well, how about that. 506 00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,680 I didn't even realize it was gone. 507 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:10,283 No harm done. 508 00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:13,152 Wait, if you weren't calling about the ashtray, 509 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,854 then why'd you want to see me? 510 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,088 Follow me. 511 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,528 Oh, my gosh. 512 00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,996 Yep, that night, I ducked back down 513 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,865 into the gallery and bought it. 514 00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,567 Shelly didn't stop you? 515 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,303 Shelly was off with some archduke she met at the party. 516 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,872 No, I just... well, 517 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,208 I liked what you said about how you just liked it. 518 00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:37,076 I still do. 519 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,178 Me, too. 520 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:42,148 Anyway, I just sold it for $4 million. What? 521 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,384 In the year and a half since I bought this piece, 522 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:47,320 the artist has turned into a huge star in the art world. 523 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,356 The next Basquiat, they're saying. 524 00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,258 And nobody saw it coming except you. 525 00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:55,027 So I've decided to give you half my earnings from the sale. 526 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,863 (gasps) I'm just kidding. 527 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,898 I'm not giving you two million bucks. 528 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:01,067 (groans) I mean, I could. 529 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,035 Easily-- it wouldn't even make a dent for me. 530 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:06,072 But trust me, the tax code being what it is, 531 00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,040 you do not want to be rich right now. 532 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:10,076 So here's what I'm thinking. 533 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:11,944 I want to get back in the art game, 534 00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:14,647 and I need a new art consultant. 535 00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:18,885 Wait, are you offering me a job? 536 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,253 If you want it. 537 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,054 What do you say? 538 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,124 And she said yes. Guys, it was amazing! 539 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,259 You should have been there. Barney! 540 00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:27,727 You were not there. Let her tell her story. 541 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,795 Guys! You were not there. 542 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,698 What did you say, baby? 543 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,266 I said yes. 544 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,801 Ha! Told you! 545 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,637 How would I know that she was going to say...? 546 00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:44,644 * 547 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,268 (bell rings)