1 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,538 NARRATOR: Kids, early in this story, you may recall me saying 2 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:05,973 something along the lines of... 3 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,475 Okay, no more dating. 4 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,343 I am ready to settle down. 5 00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,645 And at the time, I probably thought I meant it. 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,981 But, kids, I'll be honest. 7 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,816 Being single's fun. 8 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,486 As a young unattached man in New York City, 9 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:19,987 I had a great time. 10 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,323 A great time. 11 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,525 What was I saying? Oh, yeah. 12 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,395 I had such a great time that it took someone very special 13 00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,397 to make me want to settle down. 14 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,832 And that someone... 15 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,668 was Jeanette. 16 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,071 What made Jeanette so special? Well... 17 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,739 That was a foul! 18 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,007 (glass shatters) 19 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,009 Jeanette was the last girl I dated 20 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,411 before I met your mother. 21 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,179 The girl who finally got me to say... 22 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,515 No more dating. 23 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,684 I'm ready to settle down. 24 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,186 NARRATOR: ...and really mean it. 25 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,754 Oh! 26 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,402 NARRATOR: But let's back up a little bit. 27 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,871 She broke your TV with a beer bottle? 28 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,274 In her defense, she was aiming for the window. 29 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,243 Dude, you gotta get rid of this girl. 30 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,378 Agreed. Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye 31 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:18,579 before you get stab-stabbed. 32 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:19,880 Oh, really? 33 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,550 And are you guys saying this because you don't want me 34 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,618 to be with Jeanette, or because you want me 35 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,221 to stay single so you guys can keep your clubhouse? 36 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,256 J'accuse! 37 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:29,423 NARRATOR: I had a point, 38 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:30,424 and they knew it. 39 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,560 You see, in early 2013, 40 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,728 I was the only single guy in the group. 41 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,565 Which meant whenever Marshall or Barney bought something 42 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,066 they weren't allowed to keep in their apartments... 43 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,101 * 44 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,597 You know what, Ted? That reminds me. 45 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,765 I just bought this antique Swiss clock, 46 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:14,302 but Robin won't let us put it in the apartment, 47 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,837 so I was gonna leave it at your place. 48 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,306 Only problem? It's broken. 49 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:21,108 So I was just gonna sit here and try to fix it 50 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,178 while maybe you tell us what you and Jeanette did last night? 51 00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:26,647 Okay. Well, uh, Jeanette is a big Marilyn Monroe fan. 52 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,815 (clock cuckoos) 53 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,484 There you go! Now it's working! 54 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,653 Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on. She's a Marilyn Monroe fan 55 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,622 so I guess you watched one of her movies? 56 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,157 Uh, No, we had a séance. 57 00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,359 (clock cuckoos) 58 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,361 Look at that! Good as new. 59 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:43,464 Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn 60 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,199 in the spirit world? 61 00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,535 No. We talked to her cat. 62 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,537 (clock cuckooing) 63 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,640 Screw loose! That's the problem. 64 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,475 (Marvin crying) Uh-oh. 65 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,676 Looks like somebody's hungry. 66 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,311 I'm gonna get his food ready. 67 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,647 Robin, can you grab him? 68 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,183 Can I? Try and stop me! 69 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,152 NARRATOR: Now, kids, what Lily didn't realize-- 70 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,655 what none of us realized, in fact-- was that 71 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,723 in the eight months since your cousin Marvin was born, 72 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,859 Robin had never once held him. 73 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:15,062 The truth was, the thought of holding him terrified her, 74 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:18,499 so she had always avoided it, ever so discreetly. 75 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,667 Can you hold... Oh, shoot! Look at that! 76 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,503 Oh, geez. 77 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,671 I got him. 78 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,373 Come here, you little munchkin. 79 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,707 Aw, man... 80 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,343 Oh, well, I call next. 81 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:32,680 Well, I should go. It's time for Jeanette's... something. 82 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,683 Time for Jeanette's what, Ted? 83 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:39,587 Uh, we're taking her dog to an exorcist. 84 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,256 Wow, Ted, that sounds... 85 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,563 Crap, it's really broken now. 86 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:52,266 Okay, fine. I admit it. She's crazy. 87 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,534 Obviously. 88 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,869 But I'm not in this for the long haul. 89 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,538 It's just, you know, it's just fun. 90 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,607 Of course it's fun, at first. 91 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,209 But then when she starts calling out the name of her 92 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,745 high school science teacher in the throes of passion, 93 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,447 it's really fun. 94 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,583 But then when she starts bringing knives into bed 95 00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:12,386 and making you fear for your safety? 96 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,087 It's really, really fun. 97 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,957 But then when she starts unbuttoning your pants 98 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:21,061 while you're being forced to drive blindfolded 99 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:25,933 down the freeway with a gun pointed at your... 100 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,469 I'm sorry, what were we talking about? 101 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:29,470 Jeanette. 102 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,638 Oh, right. That girl's crazy. 103 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,940 You gotta break up with her. I know. 104 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,576 I know. You're right. I-I have to break up with her. 105 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,411 I should do it in a public place, though, 106 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:38,946 so she doesn't flip out. 107 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,482 NARRATOR: So the next night, I met her in a public place 108 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,616 so she wouldn't flip out. 109 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,084 I will kill you, ref! 110 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,320 I will kill you in front of all these people! 111 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:48,121 Oh, boy. What, you think I won't 112 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,657 just 'cause I'm in a public place?! 113 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:52,593 I'll go to jail for the rest of my life if I have to! 114 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:55,329 (clears throat) 115 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,298 Listen, before the game starts, I think we need to talk. 116 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,000 I can't believe Ted's dead. 117 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,301 I know. 118 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,803 What a way to go. 119 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,638 Killed by a bazooka. 120 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,607 All right, all right, so I'm not on my game today. 121 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,609 I did just break up with someone last night. 122 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,777 Anyway... 123 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,179 I gotta hop out for a bit. 124 00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,514 You guys stay here. 125 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:16,450 Oh, and, um, if Jeanette comes by, 126 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,486 do not let her into the apartment. 127 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,153 Don't let her in. Got it. 128 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,790 Guys, this is serious. This girl is like bedbugs. 129 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,459 Once she's in the apartment, there's no getting her out. 130 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:28,328 Ted, buddy, (clears throat) 131 00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,997 how long have we been dealing 132 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:33,000 with Barney's insane girlfriends? Years. 133 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,035 Nigh on a decade! 134 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:38,205 I had to testify in five competency hearings. 135 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,641 I think we can handle Jeanette. 136 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,175 Okay, okay. 137 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,011 See you soon. 138 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,480 (Marshall scoffs) 139 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,549 That kid. Am I right? 140 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,150 (knocking) 141 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,686 Now look who forgot his keys. 142 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,022 (shrieks) 143 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,356 What is it? 144 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,360 (screams) 145 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:03,030 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Lily and Robin were out getting lunch, 146 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,499 when disaster struck. 147 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,568 Oh, God, I left his binky on that bus! 148 00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,202 Wait. Don't you have other binkies? 149 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,904 That one's his favorite! He'll know the difference! 150 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,173 I'm not gonna let this be the reason 151 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,341 he resents me later in life! 152 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,545 If he starts crying, just pick him up! 153 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,546 (Marvin crying) 154 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:21,849 What? Uh, uh... 155 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:26,554 Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there. Okay. 156 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,356 Hey, I'm back. Did I miss anything? 157 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,591 Nope. 158 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:31,592 Did Jeanette come by? 159 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:32,693 Jeanette? I know lots of Jeanettes. 160 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,728 Um... (mutters) 161 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,430 Guys! Okay, she came by 162 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,432 because she forgot her book. 163 00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:41,368 So we let her go up in your room and get it. 164 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,936 And then? 165 00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:44,705 And then what? 166 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,074 And then she left? 167 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:51,044 I think she left. 168 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,446 (glass shatters upstairs) 169 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,549 Are you sure she left? 170 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:59,219 I am... 90% sure... 171 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,088 that she left. 172 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,289 (loud thudding upstairs) 173 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,391 80 percent. 174 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,392 (glass shatters) 175 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,060 Actually, I'm gonna change my answer. 176 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,396 I am now starting to think she never left, 177 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:13,567 and instead she barricaded herself in your room. 178 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,002 And I'm never coming out! 179 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:17,971 A hundred percent. 180 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,845 I cannot believe you guys! 181 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,080 Well, maybe if you had given us a warning that she was crazy! 182 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,116 Dude, it's okay. 183 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,918 She can't stay in there forever. 184 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,587 She'll have to come out to eat and drink 185 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,288 and go to the bathroom, right? 186 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,257 NARRATOR: Now, a few months earlier, 187 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,760 the East Coast had been hit by a bad storm, 188 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,762 and some intelligent, forward-thinking 189 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,931 New Yorkers took it as a wake-up call, 190 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,933 making sure to stock their bedrooms with enough 191 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,434 food and water to last months, 192 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,102 not to mention a portable waste management system. 193 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,304 It was really the smart thing to do. 194 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,642 You dumbass! 195 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:58,311 Really, Ted. How could you be so unbelievably stupid? 196 00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,514 No, no, you guys are the ones who invited 197 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:03,450 a vampire into my apartment! This is your fault! 198 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,318 And P.S., if this disaster 199 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,655 had been a superstorm instead of a hot lunatic, 200 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,457 you'd all be begging to eat my freeze-dried protein paste 201 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,326 and crap in my biohazard bucket. Just sayin'. 202 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,528 I got it. 203 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,996 It was on the floor of the bus. 204 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:19,533 I should probably throw it out. Eh. 205 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,835 Did he give you any problems? 206 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,504 He cried a little, but then he stopped. 207 00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,641 Oh, good. Anything else happen? 208 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:28,876 Nope. 209 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,378 That... is... it. 210 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,649 All gone! 211 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,317 We have to do this more often. 212 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,819 Oh, we totally do. 213 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,487 I can't believe Marvin's in kindergarten. 214 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,656 He's growing up so fast. 215 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,325 Can I confess something to you? 216 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,829 Remember the day you left Marvin's binky on the bus 217 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,531 and you left me alone with him? Yeah. 218 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:54,501 Well, I didn't tell you this at the time, but... 219 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,036 (Marvin crying) 220 00:08:56,069 --> 00:09:00,007 Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there. 221 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,408 Okay, shh, shh. 222 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:05,212 Oh, no, it looks like somebody's not happy. 223 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,680 No kidding. I'm miserable. 224 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:07,848 Listen to this thing. 225 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,684 He probably just wants to be held. 226 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,352 I think you're right. 227 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,521 Can you do it? 228 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,256 All right. 229 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:19,259 Come here, handsome. Oh. Yeah. 230 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,694 (crying stops) Yes. 231 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,529 Oh. 232 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,098 I let a stranger pick up Marvin. I'm sorry. 233 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,034 It's just, I hadn't actually picked him up 234 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,869 at that point, and I was scared, so... 235 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,238 You know what? It was four years ago. 236 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:34,574 He's obviously fine. Don't even worry about it. 237 00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:35,876 Really? Yeah. 238 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,711 Thank you. 239 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,748 I mean, as long as there's not more to that story. 240 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:44,752 Nope. That... is... it. 241 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,956 Jeanette, you have to leave! 242 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,057 JEANETTE: In a minute! 243 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,225 I still haven't found that book! 244 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,560 (loud crashing) 245 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,562 Listen, Jeanette, I didn't want to do this, 246 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,731 but I called the police. They're on their way. 247 00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,466 WOMAN (over radio): All units, all units. 248 00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,068 Possible 10-90 in progress 249 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,971 at 521 West 82nd, apartment 15. 250 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,572 Where's that coming from? 251 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,907 Is that you, Dolores? 252 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,909 Jeanette? Hey, girl. How you been? 253 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,645 Oh, you know, I'm just doing me. 254 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,147 Anyway, I'll check out that 10-90. 255 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,249 Okay, but remember... 256 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,951 I know, no excessive force. 257 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,654 Last thing I need is another suspension, am I right? (laughs) 258 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:23,657 NARRATOR: And that, kids, was how I found out 259 00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,625 what Jeanette did for a living. 260 00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,627 Wait a second. 261 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,629 (Boston accent): Is she a cop?! 262 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,664 (Boston accent): I think she's a cop! 263 00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:32,632 Did you know she was a cop?! 264 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,668 I didn't know she was a cop! 265 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:38,271 Ted, I'm sorry I have to say this-- Jeanette lives here now. 266 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,440 This is her place. You're gonna have to leave. 267 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,441 What? 268 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,609 Why don't you have to leave? 269 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,977 JEANETTE: They can stay. 270 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,814 Thank you, Officer Jeanette. Thank you, Officer Jeanette. 271 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,283 All gone. (giggles) 272 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,484 We need to do this more often. 273 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,786 We totally do. I can't believe 274 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,454 Marvin's in middle school. 275 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,488 Oh, he's growing up so fast. 276 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,792 Can I confess something to you? 277 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,527 Remember that day you left Marvin's binky 278 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,130 on the bus and I let that old lady pick him up? 279 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,999 I seem to recall that was the entire story. 280 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,468 There's a little bit more. 281 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,970 There, there, little one. 282 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,873 Let's put you back in your strolly-poo, 283 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:16,409 so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land. 284 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,013 Oh, thank you so much. 285 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,648 Yeah, this is my first time alone with him, 286 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,317 and, you know, um, I have this weird feeling that I'm gonna, 287 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,854 I don't know, like, drop him or injure him in some way, 288 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,488 which is completely insane. 289 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,223 But... (laughs) Oh, heavens. 290 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:31,491 Oh, my God! 291 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,159 Oh, my God. 292 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,027 I know, I'm so sorry. 293 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,562 Well, you know what? 294 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,831 That was what, 12 years ago? 295 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,566 Don't even worry about it. 296 00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:40,533 Really? Yeah. 297 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,870 Oh, thank you. 298 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:45,572 Just promise me there's no more to that story. 299 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,609 Nope, that is it. 300 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,513 Are you sure you want to do this? 301 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,514 The girl's a cop. 302 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:58,585 Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea. 303 00:11:58,618 --> 00:11:59,887 I don't care. 304 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,255 I am going into that bedroom 305 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,590 because this is my home 306 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,026 and I have to defend it. 307 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,727 But mostly because 308 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,529 my allergy medication 309 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,065 is in there! 310 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,600 All right, just be careful, okay? 311 00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,535 This girl is really crazy. 312 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,705 Yeah, why can't she just accept the fact that you guys broke up? 313 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,408 I know, I know, why can't she just accept that? 314 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,543 Why, it's, like, why? 315 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,046 (dramatic music plays) 316 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,548 It might be because we didn't actually break up. 317 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,283 (record scratches, music stops) Aw, man. 318 00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:32,920 Jeanette, come on, that's vintage vinyl. 319 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,093 Ted, did you or didn't you break up 320 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,561 with Jeanette last night? 321 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,631 I don't know, it's kind of confusing. 322 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,900 I think we need to talk. 323 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,402 Oh, oh, okay. 324 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,238 I see where this is going. 325 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,140 You're in love with Lily. 326 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,407 That's it, isn't it? 327 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,309 What? No, I... 328 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,912 Like I should be surprised with her fancy medical degree 329 00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:01,248 and her sexy Southern drawl. 330 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,482 What? She's not... 331 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,251 Don't talk to me, don't look at me. 332 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,786 I hate you and I never want to see you again! 333 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,090 And then things got crazy 334 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,659 and we got thrown out of the Barclays Center. 335 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:15,963 I don't know, it felt pretty breakup-y. 336 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,764 Mm. Anyway, 337 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,433 we parted on pretty bad terms, so... 338 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,136 I kind of thought maybe I could... 339 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,604 Never contact her again and hope she'd take 340 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,439 the hint and just leave you alone? 341 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,941 Barney, give me some credit. 342 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,310 Was that the plan? Yes. 343 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:33,947 All gone. We need to do this more often. 344 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,115 We totally do. 345 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,449 I can't believe Marvin's in high school. 346 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,650 He's growing up so fast. 347 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,619 Can I confess something to you? Oh, no. What? 348 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,520 What happened? 349 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,522 Tell me what you did to my son. 350 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,626 This is not going well at all. 351 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,161 Oh, honey, you are shaking. 352 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,662 Let's get you out of the cold. 353 00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,798 What's open near here? 354 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,500 * 355 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:58,638 You took my infant child to a strip club? 356 00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,706 It was just topless. 357 00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,708 He saw yours all the time anyway. 358 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,643 Okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, 359 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,545 but that is all there is. 360 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,314 Okay, there is no more to the story. 361 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,216 I have now told you everything. 362 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,518 ROBIN: All gone. 363 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,853 We need to do this more often. We totally do. 364 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,655 I can't believe Marvin's driving. 365 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,823 He's growing up so fast. 366 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,325 Okay, there's one other thing. 367 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,526 What? 368 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,661 Well, I have to go use the ladies' room. 369 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,530 Can you watch him for me? 370 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,664 Of course. 371 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,366 I could just eat you up. 372 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,001 (laughs) 373 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,503 You left him with a complete stranger? 374 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,671 He could've been... 375 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,506 Robin, how could you? Lily, 376 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,508 please, okay, it was 16 years ago. 377 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,544 He's fine. 378 00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,012 You're right. 379 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,048 It's fine. (sighs) 380 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:45,085 God, it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. 381 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,387 Finally it is all on the table. 382 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,889 All secrets are exposed and there is nothing left 383 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,391 to be revealed. 384 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,027 All gone. We need to do this more... 385 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,695 There's more to the story. Damn it, Robin. 386 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,597 What could you possibly have left out? 387 00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:00,400 It's just there's, um, 388 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:05,538 one little detail that I may have slightly altered. 389 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,540 If he starts crying, just pick him up. 390 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,576 (Marvin crying) 391 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,546 Yeah, there, there. 392 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,548 Come on, buddy, shh. 393 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,417 Looks like somebody's unhappy. 394 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,052 No kidding, I'm miserable. 395 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,587 Listen to this thing. 396 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,955 Maybe he needs to be held. 397 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,257 I think you're right. 398 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,059 Can you do it? 399 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,460 Sure. 400 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,761 Come here, handsome. 401 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,563 Come here, come here, you handsome devil, you. 402 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:31,564 (crying stops) You're such a beautiful... 403 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,066 Aw, you're such a cool dude. 404 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,735 Oh, look at you, oh. 405 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,604 All right, there, there, little one, there, there. 406 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,806 Let me put you back in your strolly-poo 407 00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,909 so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land. 408 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,911 Okay? All right. 409 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:45,979 Thank you so much. 410 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,080 Hey, don't worry about it. 411 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,281 It's my first time alone with him, 412 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,482 and I just have this weird feeling 413 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:50,617 I'm gonna drop him 414 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:51,818 or injure him in some way. 415 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,086 I know it's completely insane... 416 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,254 Oh, heavens, oh, watch it, no! 417 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,488 (screams): No! 418 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,259 This is not going well at all. 419 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,460 (sighs) 420 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,595 Oh, hon, you're shaking. 421 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:03,596 Let's get out of the cold. 422 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,432 Is there anything open near here? 423 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,766 (sighs) 424 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,201 * 425 00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,139 Hey, I need to go to the ladies' room-- can you watch him for me? 426 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,474 Of course. I could just eat you up. 427 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,343 Look at you, yum, yum, yum, yum. 428 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:20,780 You waited 17 years to tell me 429 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:24,017 that you met the greatest boxer of all time? 430 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:28,488 My son was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson? 431 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,823 I wanted to tell you, believe me. How could you...? 432 00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,026 Okay, this is the right thing to do. 433 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:35,695 You got to go up there and break up with her for real. 434 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,464 And don't worry, if anything happens, 435 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,632 just scream, we'll come rescue you. 436 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,201 Okay. 437 00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,236 (laughs) 438 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,355 Did you guys not hear me screaming up there? 439 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,657 Aw, I feel so awful. 440 00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:05,658 We went to get subs. 441 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,494 We got you one though. 442 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,362 We didn't get you one. 443 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,332 So, Jeanette's squatting in your room? 444 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,833 What are you guys doing here? 445 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,035 We heard you screaming from three blocks away. 446 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,204 Why is she in there? 447 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,172 Lily, there is no reason why. 448 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:21,508 That's like asking why is the earth round? 449 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,343 Why does the sun come up in the morning? 450 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,677 What do I do for a living? 451 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,514 There are some questions we're not meant to know the answer to. 452 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,850 Crazy girls are crazy because they're crazy. 453 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,052 I-I don't think it's quite that simple. 454 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,254 I was talking 455 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,223 to a friend of mine about Ted and Jeanette. 456 00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,191 Oh, great, what friend is this? 457 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:42,028 Uh, just this wise old lady that I know. 458 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,530 Here's the thing about crazy. 459 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,698 When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl, 460 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,368 it takes a toll on her psychological well-being. 461 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,737 You want to know why a girl acts crazy, 462 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,405 look at the guy she's dating. 463 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,374 Then you really see some crazy. 464 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,075 Trust me. 465 00:17:57,644 --> 00:18:00,280 Are you Mike Tyson? 466 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,414 Now, hold on. 467 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,750 I've dated tons of crazy girls in my life, 468 00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:08,388 and not once have I ever treated them with anything other than... 469 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,722 Oh, right, I'm a monster. 470 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,959 Maybe the old lady with the face tattoo is right. 471 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:15,728 Maybe the reason Jeanette's acting this way 472 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,096 is Ted. 473 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,132 Me? How is this my fault? 474 00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:21,568 Yeah, come on, this is Ted we're talking about. 475 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,636 I'm sure he didn't do anything to lead her on 476 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,772 or send mixed signals, right, Ted? 477 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,242 Don't talk to me, don't look at me. 478 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,944 I hate you and I never want to see you again! 479 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,652 And we got thrown out of the Barclays Center. 480 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,087 Okay, that's disappointing. 481 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,655 So disappointing. 482 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:45,658 Seriously. 483 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,460 But that was last night. I mean, it's not like... 484 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,130 Listen, Jeanette, we really need 485 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:52,665 to have a serious talk about our... 486 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,135 So, did Lily leave these boots here 487 00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,137 or was it some other bitch? 488 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,444 Marshall, Barney, help me! 489 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,979 I don't think they're coming. 490 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,648 I guess not. 491 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,154 It's those red boots. 492 00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,123 They just look sexy on everyone. 493 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,626 Okay, Ted, what is with the red boots? 494 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,694 You're a smart guy, you've got some taste, 495 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,463 you got a visual sense, I mean, 496 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,131 you're an architect for Pete's sakes. 497 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,999 How can you look at those boots and think... 498 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:29,502 Oh, my God, I'm holding it, I'm holding the baby. 499 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:30,803 What, you've never held him before? 500 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,472 Uh, tons of times. 501 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,475 This-this is not a big moment for me. 502 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,976 (quietly): This is exhilarating. 503 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,211 (crashing upstairs) 504 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,648 Look, yes, I know what you're gonna say. 505 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,550 I have to break up with her. No, 506 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,652 I was actually gonna say the opposite. 507 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,187 I think you need to be with Jeanette right now. 508 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,056 Because she's the one. 509 00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:51,324 No. What? No. 510 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,326 She's insane. 511 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,028 But I think you are also a little insane right now. 512 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,531 So I think you need to go 513 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,668 be with your crazy girl for a while and when it all goes down 514 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,670 in flames-- and I don't mean that figuratively, 515 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,672 I expect there to be actual flames... 516 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,407 NARRATOR: And there were. 517 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,709 ...we'll be here for you because we love you. 518 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,516 Jeanette I just want to say that, uh, 519 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,885 you going through my stuff like that... 520 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,423 You are really something special. 521 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,794 I'm gonna send Lily a dead animal in the mail. 522 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:31,398 I think I'm falling for you. 523 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:34,100 I think we should have a three-way with my therapist. 524 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,702 He's 70. 525 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,405 What is your ring size? 526 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,547 (whispers): Robin. 527 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,249 It's 3:00 in the morning. 528 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,384 (whispers): Really? 529 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,219 Yeah, you sure you don't want to just 530 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,289 put him in the crib and, you know, go home? 531 00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,090 No, I'm good. 532 00:20:58,124 --> 00:21:00,059 Okay. 533 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,227 Good night. 534 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,562 Good night. 535 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,635 What's that smell? 536 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:11,103 (whispers): Lily! Lily!