1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,172 You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened. 2 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,306 On my way here, a taxi 3 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,708 jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady, 4 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,044 and I-I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode 5 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,512 and I somehow lifted it off her. 6 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,147 Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist. 7 00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,848 Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen. 8 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,584 I must've strained it lifting. No, 9 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:17,985 I believe our dear friend Lily was referring 10 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,353 to your other wrist. 11 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,322 The one wearing the male birth control. 12 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,690 ROBIN: I was gonna go with 13 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,757 "chastity bracelet." 14 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,993 God, is it possible to love you more? 15 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,561 TED: Really? Really? I just 16 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,663 saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this? 17 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,265 Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone. 18 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:32,433 All right, he's a hero. 19 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,667 Thank you. 20 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,036 Do you think that your super strength came from 21 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,671 wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff? 22 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,373 (laughter) 23 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,375 Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff, 24 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,943 I have a date. 25 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:44,112 With some hand lotion and the Internet? 26 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,547 It is possible to love you more! 27 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:49,117 She exists. 28 00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:51,719 And she's right outside. 29 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:52,586 Great. Bring her in. 30 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,188 You know what? It's so nice out. 31 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:56,190 Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk. 32 00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,025 It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious 33 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,727 she can't fit through the door. Mm. 34 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,029 She is a gorgeous, athletic woman. 35 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,132 "Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans. 36 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,366 She is hot. 37 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,201 So why can't she come in, Ted? 38 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:10,204 She can come in. 39 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,540 (quietly): In six and a half months. 40 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,408 Wait. Are you saying she's... 41 00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:15,476 Twenty. 42 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,610 And a half. 43 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:17,645 (clears throat) Almost. 44 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:36,630 Ah-ah! Hold up, guys. 45 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:40,067 She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front 46 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,636 of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg. 47 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,671 The only thing 48 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,239 that would make her more of a 20-year-old 49 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,974 is an ironic form 50 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,008 of transportation. BARNEY: Yeah. 51 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:48,942 She's roller skating there. 52 00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:49,943 (laughs) 53 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,745 I don't know which is more pathetic-- 54 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,747 that you're going out with a 20-year-old 55 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:56,617 or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her. 56 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,085 TED: I didn't buy this 57 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,086 to get a date. 58 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,854 I just happened to be out 59 00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,156 catching up on some Saturday afternoon 60 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,624 leather cuff shopping, ROBIN: Oh. 61 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,494 and she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman. 62 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,629 (others groan) 63 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,931 God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos. 64 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,201 Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life 65 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,835 just seems sad and empty. 66 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,036 I don't want this to sound 67 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,105 too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me. 68 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,842 Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser. 69 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,110 Uh, yeah. 70 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,513 We got rid of that, okay? Yeah. 71 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,847 ROBIN: Anyway, speaking of engaged, 72 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,049 check out what got back from being resized. 73 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:31,985 Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock. 74 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,387 Barney, you don't 75 00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,723 start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond. 76 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,725 You give yourself room to grow. 77 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:38,726 It's a family heirloom. 78 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,127 Yeah, I got a few dirty looks 79 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,695 from Barney's half-sister over Christmas, 80 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,465 so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully... 81 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,666 that she can suck it. 82 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:46,500 (chuckles) TED: Okay. 83 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:47,535 I got to bounce. 84 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,402 Stop saying that. 85 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,238 This DJ from Dubai is spinning 86 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,039 at an abandoned loading dock in Bushwick. 87 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,874 I'm worried I don't have enough layers. 88 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,343 (others groan) NARRATOR: So what if my friends 89 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:56,977 thought it was doomed? 90 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,146 I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying 91 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,648 with a girl over a decade younger than me 92 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,182 would be a total... 93 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,885 ...disaster. She's like an entirely different species. 94 00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,019 (sneezes) 95 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,356 And I definitely didn't have enough layers. 96 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,924 I didn't understand half the words she was saying. 97 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:14,262 To me, it all sounded like hipster Mad Libs. 98 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,829 Didn't you check your phone? 99 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,998 I just "means of contacting" you 100 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,167 on "currently hot social networking site." 101 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,168 The show's been moved 102 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:21,935 to "New York neighborhood 103 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,103 you've never heard of." 104 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:28,175 Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock. 105 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,579 And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations. 106 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:32,713 Ooh. 107 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,382 Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake 108 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,549 with bacon frosting? 109 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,184 They are the best here. 110 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,752 Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my 111 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,588 cucumber jalapeño egg cream. 112 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:41,855 Chug it! Come on. Come on. 113 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,123 We got to get going. Right. Okay. 114 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,962 Then later, at a club in Chinatown 115 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,098 somehow located beneath a manhole cover, 116 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,199 it got weird. 117 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,601 God, I just love those 118 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,969 tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows. 119 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:59,039 Old men are so sexy. 120 00:03:59,072 --> 00:03:59,940 (Marshall, Lily, Barney and Robin groan) 121 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,875 All right, to be fair, 122 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,378 some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream. 123 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,646 Turns out, when you 124 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:06,947 projectile vomit on skates, 125 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,048 you roll right into the spray. (Barney groans) 126 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,584 Wait, how old does she think you are? 127 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,286 So, were you in Vietnam? 128 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,287 (others groan) 129 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,055 Hold that groan. 130 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,056 (helicopter blades whirring) 131 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:19,092 Charlie was everywhere. 132 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,128 (others groan) She's hot! She likes old guys! 133 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,195 Don't judge me! 134 00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:25,399 Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th... 135 00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:28,101 I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like... 136 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,071 (dance music playing) 137 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,973 (others groan) 138 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,676 I want to thank you for your service to this nation, Private. 139 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,110 Colonel. 140 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:37,645 Aw. 141 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,246 I got to end this. 142 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,914 Yeah, seriously, Ted. 143 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,451 Pretending to be someone else just to get laid? 144 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,152 That's... (scoffs) embarrassing. 145 00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,354 Your Highness! 146 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,389 Let's go. 147 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,091 Ew. Marshall, take that off. 148 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,461 What? I think it looks kind of cool. 149 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,862 Cool? 150 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:57,831 You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band 151 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:01,969 and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain 152 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,104 and neck tattoos and a drug problem. 153 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,006 Not a... a big one, just, uh... 154 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:09,610 enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and... 155 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:12,980 he can never... ever be true to one woman. 156 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,982 Finish that damn pickle and do me! 157 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,818 (both moaning) 158 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,052 (door opens) (Robin sighs) 159 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,655 Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go. 160 00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,123 Why would we care how... 161 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,191 Usually it's like this. 162 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,626 (bright, cheerful music plays) 163 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,561 After you. 164 00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:29,062 Aw, thank you. 165 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,164 (giggles, gasps) 166 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,335 On the house, Robin! 167 00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,172 * Take this bagel on the house 168 00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:41,409 * Have a paper on the house 169 00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:43,176 * I'd give you a house on the house * 170 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,913 * If I could 171 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,915 * You're so beautiful 172 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,519 * Everything in life should be free * 173 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:56,156 * It's so wonderful to be me! 174 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,357 Mmm. (giggles) 175 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,892 LILY: Wow. 176 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:02,229 Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too? 177 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,598 * She's exaggerating 178 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:10,571 * To make a point! 179 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,773 But today was different. 180 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,374 (bright, cheerful music plays) 181 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,676 (music ends) That'll be $3.75. 182 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,778 But I didn't have to pay yesterday. 183 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,346 Okay. $7.50. 184 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,748 (sighs) 185 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,083 Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin. 186 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,452 The ring has power. 187 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,253 When a woman puts on an engagement ring, 188 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,422 it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring 189 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,590 in The Hobbit. 190 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,258 Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd? 191 00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:34,094 Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak 192 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,363 that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts. 193 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,898 Yeah, I don't speak virgin either. 194 00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:40,400 The ring-- it makes you invisible. 195 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,703 (ominous music plays) 196 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:46,006 RING (whispers): You're not precious. 197 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:55,415 (muffled shouting, gasps) 198 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,416 Oh, good, you're awake. 199 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,151 (gasping) 200 00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,386 Look, Ted, 201 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,054 there's something we have to talk about. 202 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,457 Boundaries? Invasion of privacy? 203 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,459 Losing your key privileges? 204 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:07,961 It's about the 20-year-old, Ted. 205 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,963 You have to bang her. 206 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,098 For me! 207 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:17,771 Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old? 208 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,006 I thought I disgusted you. 209 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,841 Yeah, that was all an act. 210 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,176 Look, look, look, I love Robin 211 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,345 and she's the only girl I want to be with. 212 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:29,316 But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands. 213 00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:30,317 They don't make 214 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,020 gum or a patch for this, Ted. 215 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,822 But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert. 216 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,290 (muttering indistinctly) Oh, yeah. 217 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,192 That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal. 218 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:43,931 What-what-what are you looking for? 219 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:44,932 Your phone. 220 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,099 There's got to be some pictures 221 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,100 of her in here. 222 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,669 Damn it. No. 223 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,137 Those are all worthless. 224 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,540 I need some one-night-stand material, Ted. 225 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,875 Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia. 226 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,978 Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material. 227 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,280 Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing. 228 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,815 Hey-oh! 229 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,116 That didn't happen. 230 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,553 You're right. It didn't. (clicks tongue) 231 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:06,554 You just winked. 232 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:07,855 No, I didn't. (clicks tongue) 233 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:08,856 You just did it again! 234 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,358 Look, bottom line: I need you 235 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,326 to proxy bang this girl for me. 236 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,528 Be my stand-in 237 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,697 and put your gland in. 238 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,699 Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat. 239 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,167 (sighs) Barney, 240 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:23,370 she's just using me for my gracefully aging body. 241 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:26,073 You're picking now to get some self-respect? 242 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:29,977 You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean Connery. 243 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,011 That was you. 244 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,846 (imitates Sean Connery): Yeah, that conquest 245 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,582 was most enjoyable. 246 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,349 I'm sorry. T-To hook up with a girl, 247 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,586 I have to connect with her at least a little. 248 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,721 Then find a connection. 249 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,189 Just go simple. 250 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:45,192 Nothing about weird poets or buildings 251 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:48,028 or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me 252 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,030 with the subject line "Food for thought." 253 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,000 Please, Ted. 254 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,534 I need this. 255 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,069 Fine. You win. 256 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,104 I'll bang 257 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,538 a hot 20-year-old. 258 00:08:58,572 --> 00:08:59,406 (sighs) 259 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:00,407 But I'm not gonna enjoy... 260 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,508 Oh, who am I kidding? 261 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,710 It's gonna be awesome. 262 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,746 Now, turn off the lights and go. 263 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,982 Not all the way! 264 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,020 Hello. Yeah, three... 265 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,723 Okay, normally New York is the friendliest, 266 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,891 most affordable city in the world. 267 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:21,094 Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco. 268 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,096 Guys? 269 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,098 Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged. 270 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,835 Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt. 271 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,103 I'll be at the booth. 272 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,972 My panties may or may not be on 273 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,774 when you get there. 274 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,575 (whispers): They won't be! 275 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,646 Okay, what is going on with you guys? 276 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,080 It's the cuff. 277 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,449 It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician 278 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,885 with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van 279 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:48,789 I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank. 280 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:49,823 Who knew? 281 00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:51,458 Whoa, what-what happened to your wrist? 282 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:54,461 Oh. It's an allergic reaction. 283 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,996 So take it off. 284 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,998 Robin, once you have a child, 285 00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,967 anything that gets you even remotely close 286 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,403 to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters. 287 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,839 Better the sores weep than I. 288 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,976 Hey, hold on. That slut just got here. 289 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,078 How'd she get beer already? 290 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,080 Do you see a ring on that finger? 291 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,982 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 292 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,817 Are you saying that this invisibility thing 293 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,819 means I might not be able to get beer? 294 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:21,521 I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee 295 00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,856 and bagels and rent. 296 00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:23,924 Rent? But not being able 297 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,193 to get a beer? Unacceptable. 298 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,628 (sighs) 299 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,330 Excuse me. 300 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,032 Hot girl coming through. 301 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,971 (sighs) 302 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,107 (bright, cheerful music plays) 303 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,142 Huh. (chuckles) 304 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,045 Three beers, please. 305 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,113 * Take the... 306 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,148 (music stops) 307 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,119 ROBIN: Damn it, ring! 308 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,887 Oh, yeah, baby. Mm-hmm. 309 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,023 Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade. 310 00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,490 Mm. Sure. 311 00:10:57,524 --> 00:11:00,327 While I'm out, maybe Daddy picks up some diapers 312 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,663 and a little mild salsa because we're low. 313 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,165 (both moaning) 314 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,335 ROBIN: Well, you're right-- 315 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,071 I'm invisible. 316 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,741 (Lily moaning) 317 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,243 (Robin gulping) 318 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,078 NARRATOR: That night, the only person 319 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,181 in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé. 320 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,983 (panting): Ted, I'm desperate. 321 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,985 Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff 322 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,920 and I got a partial for Marshall. 323 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,588 Did you bang that girl yet? 324 00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,557 Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up. 325 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,192 I tried to connect with her, 326 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,061 but everything just comes back 327 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,396 to her weird fetish about how old I am. 328 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:39,767 Well, j-just go simple-- does she like TV? 329 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,934 No. 330 00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,870 But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you 331 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:46,073 as loud and as long as you want. 332 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,174 Sports? 333 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,341 No. 334 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,944 But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard, 335 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:54,247 just... slathered in Bengay. 336 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,749 Well, does she like books? 337 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,117 No. 338 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,252 But I bet you do. 339 00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,520 (quietly): Mm-hmm. 340 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,722 I bet you have a big, thick 341 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,058 pair of bifocals. 342 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:08,061 She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues. 343 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,562 I'm ending it. 344 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:12,800 Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. 345 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,102 Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. 346 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,203 That's going in the journal. 347 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,604 TED: Wait, did you steal 348 00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,106 my dream journal? 349 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,574 No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out 350 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,777 and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School 351 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,312 in a play you never rehearsed for. 352 00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:26,914 Bastard! 353 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:29,749 We don't connect on a single thing. It's over. 354 00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:32,152 (beep) It's not... 355 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,787 Look, Carly, I got to tell you something. 356 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,456 I just, I don't see a future here. 357 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,792 Oh, my God. 358 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,828 Are you dying? 359 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,831 (sighs): Oh, that is so hot. 360 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,466 (robotic beeping) 361 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,168 Hey... 362 00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:49,769 is that R2-D2? 363 00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:52,072 Do you like Star Wars? 364 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,841 I love Star Wars. 365 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,142 Me, too! 366 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:58,578 * 367 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,081 I mean, I've only seen the new ones. 368 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,150 Close enough. 369 00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,156 So? 370 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,090 Yeah. 371 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,691 I knew it! I could feel it. 372 00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:14,694 It's almost like we were hooking up with her together. 373 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,129 You felt that, right? 374 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,464 I couldn't have performed if I did. 375 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,932 Don't you see, Ted? 376 00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,534 We had a bro-nnection. 377 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,837 (clicking tongue) All right, I got to know 378 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,272 what she looks like-- show me a picture. 379 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,207 Well, normally, I'm above such things, 380 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,343 but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'. 381 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,979 (chuckles) Okay, here she is. 382 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,115 Okay. Scrolling up. 383 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,516 Oh, yeah, those are 384 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,318 "plow me" heels. Nice. Uh-huh. 385 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:42,122 The knee bruise is encouraging. 386 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:45,125 Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas. 387 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,694 Oh... gravity's cruel grasp 388 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,697 hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles. 389 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,232 (chuckles) 390 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,234 Now, let's get a gander at Dirty Girl's face. 391 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,235 Mm-hmm. 392 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:56,536 (gasps) 393 00:13:57,704 --> 00:14:00,407 Her face says, "Ready to bone," am I right? 394 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:04,711 I say again, am I right? 395 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:08,015 That's my half-sister. 396 00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:11,952 Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture. 397 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,857 No! 398 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:23,931 That's my sister, Ted! 399 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,365 Well, look, I didn't know! 400 00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,167 None of us even knew you had a sister 401 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,036 until two years ago, including you! 402 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,938 This is just some crazy coincidence. 403 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,106 There are four million women in the city of New York, 404 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,841 Ted, and you sleep with my sister? 405 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,710 Why would the universe do that to me? I don't know. 406 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:39,779 It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way 407 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,181 that would invite some sort of karmic retribution. 408 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,550 You banged my sister! 409 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,419 My sweet, little, innocent... 410 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,055 Pierced. Really? Where? 411 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,223 Don't answer that! Now I know 412 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,460 why I felt everything you did to her last night. 413 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:57,030 It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection! 414 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,431 Oh, my God. 415 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,468 Ted... did you... 416 00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,905 Big-time. 417 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:07,040 Nice! High five! 418 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,708 Wait! No! No! 419 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,077 Retraction five! 420 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,579 (speaks words in reverse) 421 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,115 Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang. 422 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:16,916 And while we're on the subject of family, 423 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,486 I'm pretty sure you banged my mom-- mom beats sister. 424 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,122 I never banged your mom. (clicks tongue) 425 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,890 You just did the winking thing again! 426 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,658 No, I didn't. (clicks tongue) 427 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,995 Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something. 428 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,929 Were you, uh, feeling a little sore this morning? 429 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:30,998 Especially... 430 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:33,833 (gasps) 431 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,935 Friendship over! 432 00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,239 Oh, yeah. 433 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:44,444 Who's your guitar-player-biker- who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa- 434 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:47,914 but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium bad boy? 435 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,649 (moans) 436 00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,251 Marshall, your hand! 437 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,186 NARRATOR: Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad, 438 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,023 but this is how Uncle Marshall likes to tell the story. 439 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,992 Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff. 440 00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:02,095 I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers... 441 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,163 (sniffs) 442 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,298 ...and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger. 443 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:08,135 But I'm learning to compensate with my left. 444 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:11,204 Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me 445 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,805 you only honka'd me? 446 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,174 I didn't think you noticed. 447 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,110 Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day. 448 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,112 Just take the cuff off. 449 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,381 No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop. 450 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:25,285 Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy. 451 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,953 All you have to do 452 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,489 is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on Pop. 453 00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:32,025 (chuckles softly) Thanks, baby. 454 00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:35,128 Are you too woozy to do it one last time 455 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,864 before we seek emergency medical attention? 456 00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,699 Only one way to find out. 457 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,501 Mm. 458 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,676 I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted. 459 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,378 You think? I can't believe 460 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,380 you're allowed to ship a dead possum. 461 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,082 He died? 462 00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:58,185 That possum was supposed to be an olive branch. 463 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,654 Are you sure he's not just playing dead? 464 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,656 He smells like Marshall's hand. 465 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,692 And wait, you-you forgive me? 466 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,860 Absolutely. Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars." 467 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:08,995 Get over here! 468 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:12,065 All right. So, where are those "cee-gars"? 469 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,600 Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute. 470 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,235 (knocks) Hey, Barn. 471 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,071 Ted? 472 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,006 Barney, what is your sister doing here? 473 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,941 Nothing, bro. Or should I say, 474 00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:23,976 bro-in-law! 475 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,047 (organ playing "Wedding March") 476 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,056 ("Wedding March" continues) 477 00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,358 Congratulations! 478 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,027 You're marrying my sister! 479 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,963 And you spared no expense, you big crazy! 480 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,969 You know what? I love Barney, 481 00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,138 but this ring thing sucks. 482 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,406 Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack 483 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,974 and then apologized. 484 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,377 And I think he really, really meant it. 485 00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,747 Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, 486 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,982 but nothing beats the rush you get 487 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,252 when that one special person looks at you. 488 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,919 It's true. 489 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:10,957 Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see, 490 00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,993 and I see her brighter and more clearly 491 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,963 than anything else in this world. 492 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,931 You know what that is? 493 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,267 That's love. 494 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,902 And possibly alcohol 495 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,938 mixed with some very powerful antibiotics. 496 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,909 And that's how Barney sees you. 497 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,345 And I know that's how you see Barney. 498 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,583 (clears throat) I'd like to start the service 499 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,718 with a passage from Ted's dream journal. 500 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,321 "Drowning. 501 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,323 "Gasping for air. 502 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,458 No escape." 503 00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:48,027 Wait, is that about Vietnam? 504 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,095 It's about Whole Foods. 505 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:49,929 Barney. 506 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,030 We are not 507 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,098 getting married. 508 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:55,202 And those aisles are too narrow! 509 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,503 BARNEY: But you two 510 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,305 have to get married-- otherwise, it's just 511 00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,841 a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand. 512 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,544 Wait, just to be clear, you're saying you're opposed 513 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,314 to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands? 514 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:08,315 Yes. 515 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,550 Barney... don't you see? 516 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,552 Your detox is done! 517 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,621 You're over one-night stands! 518 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,056 Oh, my God, you're right! 519 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,725 I'm free! Yeah. 520 00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:21,961 So if you think about it-- but not too much-- 521 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,397 it's actually good that Carly and I hooked up. 522 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,366 Yeah, it's really good. 523 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:29,969 I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s. 524 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,372 Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy! 525 00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:33,506 (chuckles) 526 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,174 Hey, don't try to make this okay. 527 00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,009 You still slept with my sister. 528 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,612 Promise me you will never, ever do that again. 529 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,515 I promise. (clicks tongue) 530 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,816 You just winked. 531 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,818 No, I didn't. (clicks tongue) 532 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,654 You did it again! No, I didn't! 533 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,655 You swear, right? 534 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,957 Yeah. Of course. 535 00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,192 (clicks tongue) 536 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,565 Hey. That night, 537 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,600 even though she still couldn't get a beer, 538 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:04,003 Robin realized the true power of the ring. 539 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,139 * 540 00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,077 Hey, Robin. 541 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:13,179 Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get 542 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,047 a drink at the bar now that you're engaged? 543 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,684 Oh, sure. I know a way that's gonna last forever. 544 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,286 Scotch on the rocks? 545 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:20,287 Coming right up. 546 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:29,929 Now, before you say anything about the hat... 547 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:33,132 this new girl's ass is phenomenal! 548 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,941 LILY: Hey, Marshall, you got to see this. 549 00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:43,242 The catalog must have mixed up my order. 550 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,077 You won't believe the jeans they just sent me. 551 00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,145 (mumbles) 552 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,780 Hilarious, right? 553 00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:50,383 Totally. (laughs) 554 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,951 You look like some 555 00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:54,120 suburban mom who drives a minivan 556 00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:57,290 filled with stale Cheerios and empty juice boxes... 557 00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:58,558 (laughs) probably makes 558 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:02,929 chili mac and Frito pie for dinner... 559 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,964 smells like that menthol cigarette that she snuck while 560 00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:06,399 she was waiting to pick her kids up 561 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,668 from hockey practice. Get over here!