1 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:06,540 NARRATOR: Kids, in late 2012, I received a very important text message. 2 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:14,348 Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin were engaged, 3 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,584 marking a truly happy time for our little group. 4 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,986 The problem was 5 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,490 one of us was definitely not happy. 6 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,092 (crying) 7 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,094 Marvin will not stop crying. 8 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,095 What do you guys think it is? 9 00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:28,529 Is he hungry? 10 00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,065 Well, that must be it. 11 00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,166 Huh! 12 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,235 Thank you for thinking of that, Ted. 13 00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,070 And here we were just watering him 14 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,072 and facing him towards the sunlight. 15 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,609 Sorry, I haven't slept in... 16 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,876 January. 17 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,078 MARSHALL: Food going in 18 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:45,246 isn't the problem, 19 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,715 it's what's coming out, or not coming out. 20 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,783 He hasn't pooped in three days. 21 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:50,884 LILY: Yeah, normally 22 00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,620 I wouldn't wish one of his dirty diapers 23 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:56,056 on my worst enemy, but now I kind of miss 24 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,925 popping the hood in the morning 25 00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,060 and finding that first big juicy, black... 26 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:03,131 Lily, I'm eating chili. 27 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,032 I'm eating chili, Lily. 28 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,934 Confetti. 29 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,402 Big blast of confetti. 30 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,971 Normally, the kid's a confetti machine. 31 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,573 He's Rip Taylor in a diaper. 32 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:13,874 MARSHALL: I have a feeling 33 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,143 at this point, Rip Taylor 34 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,577 is Rip Taylor in a diaper. 35 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,447 And with that image, dinner is done. 36 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,415 Hey, guys. Hey. Well, well, well. 37 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:22,883 Here comes the bride. 38 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,219 Now the annoying part, right? 39 00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,887 Planning the wedding? 40 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,989 So not fun, right? 41 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,158 I don't know-- I'm kind of looking forward to it. 42 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,092 Fine, I'll do it for you. 43 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,262 First thing we need to do is set a date. 44 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,896 May 25, 2013. 45 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:36,897 Thank you, Ted. 46 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:37,998 The ladies are talking. 47 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,600 Actually, that is the date. 48 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:43,003 Ted offered to help with the planning a little. 49 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,173 And, well, uh... 50 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,507 That's a big binder. 51 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,675 Oh, this? 52 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,177 This is just cakes. 53 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:51,745 Anyway, we're having the ceremony 54 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,847 at that beautiful little church out on Long Island, 55 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,949 where Victoria almost got married-- lovely spot. 56 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,686 And then we're gonna have a reception in a big white tent 57 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,188 on the front lawn of the hotel. 58 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:03,023 Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream 59 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,392 and lilac. 60 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,095 I will cut you, bitch. 61 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:08,996 No, L-L-Lily... 62 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,612 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 63 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,380 I'm cool, I'm cool. 64 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,381 MARSHALL: Hey, Robin, where's Barney? 65 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:30,718 Did he skip town already? 66 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,019 If so, exactly what time was it? 67 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,655 It's important for the over/under. 68 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:38,459 Barney's fine, it's just... well, earlier this morning... 69 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:41,695 So, it's been three days since I said yes. 70 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:42,696 True. 71 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,864 And your panic attacks are getting 72 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,132 shorter and further apart. 73 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:49,069 I can't do this! I feel like I'm drowning! 74 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:51,071 Also true. 75 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,973 So I guess we're officially engaged. 76 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,708 Maybe we should tell our parents. 77 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,644 I assume my dad already knows-- you did call him 78 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,645 and got his permission, right? 79 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,547 (laughs) Yeah, yeah, Robin. 80 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:02,850 I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East. 81 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,918 Uh, he's gonna put you in a cage. 82 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:08,489 and send you on horseback to my remote desert camp. 83 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,391 Okay, Barney... Hold on, I'm not done. 84 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:13,160 Where you'll be bathed in perfumes and oils 85 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,928 and delivered to my tent. 86 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,397 After you perform the traditional 87 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,699 Dance of the Seven Veils, we'll adjourn 88 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,368 to the tiger skin rug where we'll... 89 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,169 Barney... Robin! 90 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,071 If we're gonna build a marriage together, 91 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:27,107 we have got to stop interrupting each other all the time. 92 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,909 (sighs) Fine, finish your story. 93 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:29,910 Thank you. 94 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,078 (scoffs) 95 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:35,115 Where we'll do it. 96 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:35,949 Did you ask for my father's permission? 97 00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,285 No, I did not. 98 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:40,754 So, as some of you know, my dad is a little scary. 99 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:44,758 A little? Dude's a stone cold Slytherin. 100 00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,394 He always looks like he just came from slapping 101 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:49,029 some guy tied to a chair in a back room. 102 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,931 Anyway, we go get lunch... 103 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,766 Look, I know I already told you this, 104 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,603 but my dad is a scary guy. 105 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,171 Please, I think I can handle... 106 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,809 Oh, vampire in the daylight, vampire in the daylight! 107 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,143 ROBIN (quietly): Oh, my God. 108 00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,045 (sighs) 109 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,480 Hello, Robin. 110 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,482 Hello, sir. 111 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:09,917 Put that thing away, 112 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,251 Give your old man a hug. 113 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,090 And then it got really scary. 114 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,492 I'm glad you could meet me here 115 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,661 at my favorite restaurant. 116 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,063 Carol and I come here all the time. 117 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,299 (clears throat) I... you... 118 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,735 When... Da... who's Carol? 119 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,269 Oh, right, you haven't met Carol, um... 120 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,571 (gasps) 121 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,939 Very special woman. 122 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,808 48 years old, dental hygienist, no kids. 123 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,377 Likes Zumba. 124 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,413 She's the reason I moved to New York City. 125 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,015 Eight months ago. Thanks for the call, by the way. 126 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:44,117 Well, I figured you knew. 127 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,653 It's on my Facebook page. 128 00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:48,155 You really should respond to my friend request. 129 00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:51,024 I post a lot of great stuff. 130 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,360 Are you familiar with memes? 131 00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,928 There's a cat who says, 132 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,697 "I can has cheeseburger?" 133 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,132 Okay, what the hell happened to you? 134 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:03,604 Robin, I know in the past, I have been... 135 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,473 emotionally distant. 136 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:06,607 But Carol has 137 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,610 brought out a whole new side of me. 138 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,979 I have a new outlook on life 139 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:15,115 a devil-may-care insouciance that embodies the credo, 140 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,018 "No shirt, no shoes, no problem." 141 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,220 Robin... 142 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,689 I'm fun now. 143 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,156 (all groaning) Oh, God. 144 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,693 He's fun now? That does not sound fun. 145 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:28,128 No child should have to see a parent go through that. 146 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,130 Well, it probably took some of the pressure 147 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,365 off the Barney of it all. 148 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,901 Sir, hi. 149 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,136 My name is Barney Stinson. 150 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,572 This is Barney? 151 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:41,008 This man is blond. 152 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,576 Grown men are not blond. 153 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:43,677 Dad. 154 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,078 Pleased to meet you. 155 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,981 That's a very... 156 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,083 fun hair color. 157 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,919 That's nothing-- when he met me, his first words were, 158 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:52,920 "Nice blouse." You were wearing a blouse. 159 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,522 It was not a blouse! 160 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:55,856 Oh, great. You're all here. 161 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,224 Let's talk about our wedding band. 162 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:59,326 How much do you guys think they should rock? 163 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,728 'Cause I vote, a million. 164 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:04,565 Yeah, yeah, I think we already settled on a DJ, so... 165 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:05,666 BARNEY: Lily, 166 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:06,667 do you remember the band you guys 167 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,668 almost hired for your wedding? 168 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,169 Remember them? 169 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,171 I'll call them up and book them for you. 170 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,339 Just say the word. 171 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,842 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like we keep coming back 172 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,844 to this DJ thing. 173 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:17,745 What do you think, baby? 174 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,046 Yeah, I don't think 175 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,548 anyone should book anything right now. 176 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,550 Why not? 177 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:25,385 Well, I am going to go the room marked "Spaghettis," 178 00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:27,187 which I'm hoping is the ladies room. 179 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,189 "Meatballs" has to be men's, right? 180 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,424 I don't know what the hell 181 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,125 "Calamaris" is. 182 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,194 (mouthing) 183 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,763 (anxious laugh) 184 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,132 Um... 185 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,134 Sir, I-I-I... 186 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,803 Permission denied. 187 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:43,971 Ooh. 188 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:46,239 And it turns out, "spaghettis" are men. 189 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,176 I saw a noodle. 190 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,884 MARSHALL: He said no? Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do. 191 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,819 Relax, baby. I got this. 192 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,554 I know how to be persuasive. 193 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,923 NARRATOR: The next day, Uncle Barney met Robin's dad 194 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,291 for lunch at the same restaurant. 195 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,293 This time, with a plan. 196 00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,095 Hello, Mr. Scherbatsky. 197 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:11,098 I think we got off on the wrong foot. 198 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,967 You have my attention. 199 00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,469 I left the meatball at home 200 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,605 so I could talk to you spaghetti to spaghetti. 201 00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,006 Sir... 202 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,475 I'm very serious about marrying your daughter. 203 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:26,580 Barney, when I wanted to marry Robin's mother, 204 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,949 I slaughtered a whole family of bears 205 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,450 with my bare hands. 206 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,752 I gave 207 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,588 the pelts and the bear meat 208 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:37,024 to her father as tribute. 209 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:40,160 You know what we call that in Canada? 210 00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,529 Manners. 211 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,496 MAN: Would either 212 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,964 of you like a mudslide? 213 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,198 I just had one. Thank you. 214 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,500 I'll have 215 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:50,170 a Jazzy Pizzazzy Razzleberry Rainbow Milkshake 216 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,205 with a swirly straw? 217 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,474 You didn't say the magic word. 218 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:58,045 I'll go get your drink. 219 00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,212 (Marvin crying) 220 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,313 Still crying, huh? 221 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,382 Yeah. We've tried everything short 222 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:05,118 of a pack of smokes and a cup of coffee. 223 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,120 Still nothing but clean dipeys. 224 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,889 There's only one explanation for this. 225 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:09,823 Marvin 226 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,024 has potty-trained himself. 227 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,960 He sneaks into the bathroom while we're sleeping. 228 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,795 I'll ask Barney to check the tapes. 229 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,997 Barney has cameras in our bathroom?! 230 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,166 Well, I mean, don't you think? 231 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,501 Hey, guys. Robin, good. 232 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,336 You're here. Bad news. 233 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:26,306 That wedding band you wanted is booked for May 25. 234 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:29,009 Oh, no. What are you gonna do? 235 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,511 Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea. 236 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,914 Oh, God, Ted, if you suggest a DJ... 237 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,148 Far from it. 238 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,717 I was going to suggest a band. 239 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,152 A band called... Kool and the Gang. 240 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,721 Robin, 241 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,355 would you like for me 242 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,892 to get Kool and the Gang to play at your wedding? 243 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,094 Uh... I... yeah, guess so. 244 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,062 And would it be okay if they invited their friends, 245 00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,398 Beyonce and-and ABBA, 246 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:52,600 and the Bee Gees, 247 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:53,934 and Journey, 248 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,068 and Queen? 249 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:56,403 What? You're...? What are you say...? 250 00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:57,771 How... how is that even possible? 251 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,172 I'll tell you how. 252 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,507 You hire a DJ. 253 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,275 Wicka-wicka-wicka-burn. 254 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,777 ROBIN: Ugh! God, this is, like, 255 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,279 the fifteenth time my dad has sent me a friend request. 256 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,115 I'm just gonna hit "accept." 257 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,416 No, no, no. No, no, no, no, don't do it, Robin. 258 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:12,385 You don't want to see what's behind that door. 259 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,587 What are you talking about? 260 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,122 He's talking about 261 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:19,059 my mom's 2,000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey. 262 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:22,029 And 14 of those words were "vulva." 263 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,232 You're gonna get endless requests to play some game 264 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,935 that has something to do with gangsters and farming. 265 00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,937 Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos 266 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,438 from high school. 267 00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:34,041 Begged my mom to burn those. TED: Robin, 268 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:38,111 trust me, no good can come from accepting that friend request. 269 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:42,049 Yeah, I-I think I may have given you guys the wrong impression. 270 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,083 Okay, my dad 271 00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:44,885 is actually not that bad of a guy. 272 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,387 Do it, Barney. Squeeze that trigger. 273 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,956 I don't want to do this. 274 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,158 Well, you think I wanted to kill that bear? 275 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,126 Yeah, kind of. Oh, yeah, you're right. 276 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,662 (whimpers) 277 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,964 I can't do this. 278 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,331 (sighs) 279 00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,767 (sobbing) Oh. 280 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,936 What... what the hell is this?! 281 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,271 Your dad is crazy! 282 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,274 He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter! 283 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,009 I told you not to give him a name! 284 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,243 Well, I did! 285 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,145 I gave him a name and a backstory! 286 00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:14,014 He comes from a magical rabbit warren 287 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,115 underneath the old rusty tractor. 288 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,685 He was the runt of the litter, but he persevered. 289 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,187 He... Oh, give me this. Give it to me! 290 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,955 Dad, 291 00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,191 is there, um, something you want to tell me? 292 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,693 (sighs heavily) 293 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:28,261 Well, in the early '80s, I did some wet work for the CIA. 294 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,163 Yes, Daddy, I remember the bedtime stories. 295 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,766 No, I'm, uh, talking about your Facebook page? 296 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,702 It says you're married. 297 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,704 Well... 298 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,639 yes, uh, Carol and I were in Key Largo 299 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,475 at a performance of the recording artist James Buffett. 300 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:45,012 We're what are known as Parrotheads. 301 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:45,946 And, uh, 302 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,015 well, one thing led 303 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:51,318 to the other, and, uh... 304 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,853 we got married. 305 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,122 You didn't want to tell me about it? 306 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,991 I Facebooked it... on Facebook. 307 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,559 Okay, you know what, Dad? 308 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:02,529 Since you obviously have no interest in involving me 309 00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,065 in your personal life, I may as well tell you: 310 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,167 Barney and I are already engaged. 311 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,670 That's right. 312 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,040 I'm behind you on this, Robin. 313 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,575 Directly behind you. 314 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,010 Anyway, this is happening. 315 00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:19,179 And since I wasn't invited to your wedding, 316 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,547 you're not invited to mine. 317 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,349 Good-bye. 318 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,453 (door shuts) 319 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,724 Oh, no! 320 00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:33,293 Fluffernutter peed all over my pants! 321 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,533 (Marvin crying) 322 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:41,935 So, I just called up 323 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:44,537 that wedding band's road manager to get the number 324 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,774 of the people who booked them for the 25th, 325 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,508 so I could bribe them into giving up the band. 326 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,178 You did what?! That is so dishonest! 327 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,580 No matter what happens next, I think we can all agree, 328 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:55,082 you're in the wrong here, Lily. 329 00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:56,716 It's your number, Ted. 330 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,118 All right, you got me! 331 00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,687 I put a non-refundable deposit on that band 332 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,923 to keep Barney and Robin from booking them. 333 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,592 And I would've gotten away with it 334 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,928 if it wasn't a really stupid and expensive plan. 335 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,930 Dude, why would you do that? 336 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,799 I don't see what the big deal is. 337 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,433 The big deal is Robin deserves better 338 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,368 than some crappy, unreliable band! 339 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,037 Sure, bands seem cool 340 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,807 with their nice suits and their well-rehearsed moves, 341 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,976 but let's be honest: bands let you down. 342 00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,945 They-They cheat, they deceive, and God knows they've slept 343 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,313 with every girl in New York City. 344 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,281 I just, I can't believe 345 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,817 Robin is going through with marrying... 346 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,786 the idea of getting a band. 347 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:35,655 And that is, that's a perfectly normal way to phrase that. 348 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,558 Okay, Ted, bar. Now. 349 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,727 Nice try. 350 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,262 You're gonna stick me with that baby 351 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,331 so that you guys can spend five minutes 352 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,732 sorting out his love life, 353 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,935 followed by an hour of you getting drunk 354 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,137 and pretending to be in The Departed. 355 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,339 You know what? I'm sorry, Lily, okay? 356 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:53,841 But I just need to know: 357 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,843 (Boston accent): Are you a cop? I'm not a cop! 358 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:57,811 Are you a cop? I'm not a cop! 359 00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,412 Uh-uh. 360 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,081 I got this. 361 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,415 Ted, you, me, upstairs. 362 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,416 Roof. Now. 363 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,018 What? It's January. Move! 364 00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,419 (Marvin coos) 365 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,821 Let's cut the crap. 366 00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:08,856 We're both freezing-- 367 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,423 just say it and we can go downstairs. 368 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,424 Say what? 369 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,625 Say how much you hate 370 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,694 that Robin and Barney are getting married. 371 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,696 What? No. I... 372 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:17,931 I'm happy for them. 373 00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:21,134 I-I encouraged Robin to go after Barney. 374 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,803 I know-- because you thought you were okay letting her go. 375 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,205 But now that she's really gone, 376 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,840 it hurts. 377 00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:29,309 NARRATOR: Kids, at that point in my life, 378 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:32,012 I'd been hurt quite a few times already. 379 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,048 Today, we're gonna braid friendship bracelets. 380 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,684 (Ted grunts, groans) 381 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,719 (woman yelps) (Ted grunts) 382 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:42,222 * I fell in love... 383 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,458 There is a very simple explana... ah! 384 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,460 This one time, I was playing tennis, and... 385 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,829 (screams) 386 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:50,497 Ooh! 387 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,232 Oh, ow! Ow! 388 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:53,233 (bleats) 389 00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,968 (choking) 390 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,369 Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied 391 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,071 in your pants down by the lake? 392 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,007 Unbelievable! 393 00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:02,775 (Ted groans) (Barney laughs) 394 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:07,981 (shrieking) 395 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,049 Do you love me? 396 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,585 No. 397 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,056 NARRATOR: But when I saw that text message, 398 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,191 and found out Robin was engaged, 399 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:19,359 it was like: 400 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:23,030 (grunting, screaming, choking) 401 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:23,931 Unbelievable! 402 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,732 (grunts, shrieks) No. 403 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,936 ...times a million. 404 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,171 I am happy for them. 405 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,173 Is all you'll let yourself say out loud, 406 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,508 because if you said anything to the contrary, well, 407 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,944 that would make you 408 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,179 the most awful person on this rooftop. 409 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,581 So, I'm gonna give you an out. 410 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,283 And how are you gonna do that? 411 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,686 By saying something that is even more awful. 412 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,521 Like what? 413 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,023 (sighs) 414 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,125 Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom. 415 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,761 Sometimes I want to pack a bag 416 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:57,965 and leave in the middle of the night and not come back. 417 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,903 Robin shouldn't be with Barney, 418 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,338 she should be with me. 419 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,809 (sighing) 420 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,415 You serious? 421 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,950 I don't know. 422 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,886 I mean, I love being a mom, and... 423 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,455 I love Marvin so much. 424 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,656 But... 425 00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:24,992 but do you remember 426 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,726 when I wanted to be an artist? 427 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,661 Art was my whole life. 428 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:29,997 And-and now it's been months 429 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,332 since I've even picked up a brush. 430 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,467 I-I spend the whole day 431 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,069 taking care of kids at my job, 432 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,138 and I come home and it's more of the same. 433 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,572 It just... (sighs) 434 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,175 It never lets up, it... 435 00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,845 It's just really, really hard, Ted. 436 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,983 Have you talked to Marshall about how you feel? 437 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:53,486 Have you talked to Robin about how you feel? 438 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,989 (sighs) Fair enough. 439 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:59,826 I just think we have to accept our lots in life, 440 00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:02,462 and I have to be a mom to a... 441 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,497 a beautiful, wonderful-- 442 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,366 if slightly constipated-- 443 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,967 little boy, and... 444 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:12,472 you have to let Robin and Barney get a band. 445 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,976 All right, let's see what's in this dipey. 446 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,012 Nothing. 447 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,715 Absolutely nothing. 448 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,785 Hey. 449 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,655 Are you finally giving Daddy a smile? 450 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,557 Oh! 451 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,991 Oh, God! 452 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,326 NARRATOR: And, no, it wasn't confetti. 453 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,527 Oh! 454 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,564 Oh, God! 455 00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:40,667 Please! 456 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,537 Holy confetti. 457 00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,707 NARRATOR: That night, Robin agreed 458 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,309 to meet her dad one more time. 459 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,144 Your Dad has something to say. 460 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,879 (Robin Sr. clears throat) 461 00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:55,248 (clears throat again) 462 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:59,986 I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. 463 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,322 It was wrong of me. 464 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,356 There. Now, Robin... 465 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,557 I know that no mere 466 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,593 apology will fix this. 467 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,529 And that is why 468 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,298 I've asked Carol for a divorce. 469 00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:13,032 What?! 470 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,001 She's heartbroken, understandably. 471 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,436 Possibly suicidal. 472 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:17,537 I did not tell him... 473 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,339 But if that's the price 474 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,908 for my daughter's love... 475 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,577 then I will gladly let Carol pay it. 476 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,379 (sighs) 477 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,748 Was that not what you wanted? 478 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,084 You want to know what I want? 479 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,185 (grunts) 480 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,087 A normal dad. That's all. 481 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,956 I want you to give this blond guy 482 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,091 permission to marry me. 483 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:40,026 Come to the wedding, give me away, 484 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,895 smile in the pictures, and then... 485 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:46,133 dance with me like a normal dad. 486 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,435 Is that too much to ask? 487 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,469 "Of course not. 488 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:52,139 "Oh, Robin, my darling girl, 489 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,140 "of course I'll do all stuff. 490 00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:56,042 "I love you and I'm proud of you." 491 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,744 He didn't say that? 492 00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:58,945 No. 493 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:01,548 Fine. One dance-- 494 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,216 "Cheeseburger in Paradise." 495 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,952 And Carol's going to sing it. 496 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,889 Well, see you at the wedding. 497 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,124 But it's kind of amazing. 498 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:14,661 I mean, he's never apologized to me in his life. 499 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,330 Barney made it happen. 500 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,299 He must really love me. 501 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:22,101 Well, he'd be crazy not to. 502 00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:26,105 I'm really happy for you guys. 503 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:27,974 But I still think 504 00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,075 you should get a DJ. 505 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,943 Ju-Ju.. For God's sakes, Ted. 506 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:32,412 Hear me out. 507 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,113 NARRATOR: I made a pretty strong case that night, 508 00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:35,948 but in the end, she didn't want a DJ. 509 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:37,284 She wanted a band. 510 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,152 And guess what happened. 511 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,688 That's right, the band cancelled at the last minute, 512 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,190 just like I said they would. 513 00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:46,125 The wedding is in a week, and no bands. 514 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:49,028 When will people realize I always know what's what? 515 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,264 He says to the lesbian he dated for a month. 516 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,132 That's a fair point. 517 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,167 Anyway, you guys 518 00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,335 wouldn't, uh, happen to know 519 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:56,936 of any good wedding bands 520 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,405 available at the last minute, would you? 521 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141 Ted, do you believe in destiny? 522 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:03,876 You really don't know me, do you? 523 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,945 We just had brunch with my ex-roommate. 524 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:06,979 The bass player? 525 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,681 No, she's not just a bass player. 526 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:10,517 She's a bass player in the best wedding band 527 00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,818 in the tri-state area. 528 00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,720 They had a gig lined up for this weekend, 529 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,655 but it just fell through this morning. 530 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,391 You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding. 531 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:19,992 Do you know any DJs? 532 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,194 Dude, come on. 533 00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,995 Let it go, bro. Just let it go. 534 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:23,996 All right, all right, 535 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:24,997 all right. 536 00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:26,132 Well, I guess, uh... (laughs) 537 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,967 Guess it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys. 538 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,138 NARRATOR: And, kids, "lucky" doesn't even begin to describe it. 539 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,173 * 540 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,012 NARRATOR: Because if Barney and Robin had taken my stupid advice 541 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,081 and hired a DJ... 542 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,189 ...I never would have met your mother.