1
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,372
Lily, I just saw
the worst thing ever!

2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,806
(whispering): Kind of busy
right now, Marshall.

3
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,141
Quiet.
He can hear you.

4
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,342
MARSHALL: Who's "he"?!

5
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,178
He's coming!
Everyone shut up!

6
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,745
NARRATOR:
Okay, kids, you're probably
wondering how

7
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:13,181
we all got here.

8
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:15,083
Oh, hey, buddy,
can we borrow your
air mattress?

9
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,884
My mom's coming into
town for a few days.

10
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:17,985
Absolutely not.

11
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,554
Bummer, I guess
she can't stay with us.

12
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,091
Hey, look,
what I just found.

13
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:26,194
A list of hotels and other
creative housing options.

14
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,696
Baby, my mom is not
staying at a hotel.

15
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:32,566
Or our storage unit.
Why can't we borrow
your air mattress?

16
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,168
Because when you animals
borrow things,

17
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:34,935
you never return them.

18
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,670
That's ridiculous.

19
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,006
No, my Cleveland, Ohio,
Chamber of Commerce

20
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,008
mini-cooler
is ridiculous.

21
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,943
Ridiculous at keeping
stuff cold

22
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,613
while also promoting Ohio's
second-largest rubber producer.

23
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,915
Watch your back, Akron.

24
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,450
I totally gave that back.

25
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,552
And what about that
"Vote For Ted" hoodie

26
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,722
from when I ran for treasurer
in high school?

27
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:55,723
Mrs. Gooding said

28
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:59,927
my concession speech was,
"full of grace."

29
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,097
I don't recall
borrowing that.

30
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,566
And whatever happened
to my limited edition DVD

31
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,968
of the classic 1989
Silverman-McCarthy romp,

32
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:12,240
Weekend at Bernie's,
"borrowed" well over
six months ago?

33
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,974
Yeah, I'm
keeping that.

34
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,443
Those extra features
are awesome.

35
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:17,077
I mean, that making-of
documentary?

36
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:20,047
"How Bernie
Avoided The Gurney:
A Cinematic Journey."

37
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,950
Look, I'm just tired
of people borrowing things

38
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,285
and never returning them.

39
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:27,955
If you don't believe me,
ask my ex-friend Stuart.

40
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,324
Ted, I gave your red
cowboy boots back

41
00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:31,825
the day after Halloween.

42
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:34,228
How could you lie to me
right to my face, Stuart?

43
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:39,099
You are a horrible
human being.

44
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,001
Congrats on
your daughter's christening.

45
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,739
And where's the worst abuser
of my generosity, Barney?

46
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,742
Or should I say,
"Borrow-ney"?

47
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:49,910
You should
never say that.

48
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,412
And I think he's out
with Patrice.

49
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,747
Uch, Patrice?
That's still happening?

50
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,082
NARRATOR:
Kids, you remember Patrice.

51
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,750
She worked
with your Aunt Robin.

52
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:59,153
Robin! You left
your purse at the
vending machine,

53
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,821
and some guy tried
to steal it!

54
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:06,294
I fought him off, but I think
I dislocated my shoulder.

55
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:09,096
You scratched the leather! Oh!

56
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,098
Can't you do anything right,
Patrice?!

57
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,501
That Barney-and-Patrice
thing is so bogus.

58
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,669
He's clearly trying
to get back at me

59
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,037
for rejecting him.

60
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,772
Um, Robin, after you
rejected Barney,

61
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,107
didn't he reject you?

62
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,275
And didn't you go

63
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,977
over to his place and
try to sleep with him

64
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,045
in your purple-and-
black underwear?

65
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,615
Hey, uh, Lil, feel free
to disregard that

66
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,050
"Don't tell anyone
about this ever" thing.

67
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,452
She has your
mini-cooler.

68
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,853
I knew it!

69
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,322
But seriously,
what other reason would

70
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,490
Barney have to
date Patrice?

71
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:37,991
It's an over-correction.

72
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:40,894
How dare you?!
What is that?!

73
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:43,964
Barney was engaged
to Quinn, a stripper
he never really trusted.

74
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,533
So he overcorrects
by dating her opposite:

75
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,468
warm and nurturing
Patrice.

76
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,203
LILY:
That does happen,
like Ted.

77
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:52,840
After you broke up
with sweet innocent Victoria.

78
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,542
No, you hang up first.

79
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,176
No, you hang up first.

80
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:57,010
No, you hang up first.

81
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,446
Hang up,
you little bitch!

82
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:01,915
Over-correction.

83
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,317
Yeah. And it's not just
relationships.

84
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,553
Remember when that
comedy club owner
told Marshall

85
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,388
that his "funny fish names"
stand-up act

86
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,422
didn't have enough edge?

87
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:13,527
Flounder?
I barely know her! Oh!

88
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,162
Over-correction.

89
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,831
Although it was better
than his Chris Rock rip-off.

90
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:21,101
A trout with a daughter
has one job.

91
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,070
One job!

92
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:26,374
To keep her off
the fishing pole!

93
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,042
LILY:
You suck!

94
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,279
Lily!

95
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:33,647
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

96
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,594
I'm a little worried
about Ted.

97
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:50,964
I mean, we're parents now,
and even Barney is moving on.

98
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,368
I just wish he had
someone to talk to.

99
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,103
Even for a week.

100
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:58,105
Or you know, four days,
three nights.

101
00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,473
My mom is not staying
with Ted!

102
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:01,442
He'd love her bacon-
gummy bear pancakes.

103
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:04,978
I'm her special boy,
I get her special pancakes.

104
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,281
But my dad is here
nannying all the time.

105
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,549
Then add your mom in?

106
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,485
This place is crowded
enough already.

107
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,120
(knocking)
MICKEY:
Hey, Lil,

108
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:14,922
let me know
how the pump's working.

109
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,256
I cleaned it for you.

110
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,891
It's fine, Dad.
Yeah, I had

111
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:21,061
to check the suction,
so I tested it on myself.

112
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,396
Oh, no.

113
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,832
Don't worry, the suction's fine,

114
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,300
actually kind of nice.

115
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,740
Okay, Barney is so not
for real about Patrice.

116
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,508
Today he did the craziest,

117
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,477
most clearly staged
for my benefit thing ever.

118
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,579
Hey, Patrice,
you ready for lunch?

119
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:39,847
Sure.

120
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,114
(scoffs)

121
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,950
Right, right?

122
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:43,984
I mean,

123
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,654
what's next, birthday gifts?

124
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:50,090
Wake up, people, this is
not an overcorrection,

125
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,359
it's fraud, and we need

126
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,427
to keep trying
to stop this.

127
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,195
What do you mean,
"keep trying"?

128
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,699
Barney is not
who you think he is.

129
00:04:58,732 --> 00:04:59,633
What do you mean?

130
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,802
Well, he has a book
of plays he uses

131
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,804
to trick women
into sleeping with him.

132
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,974
Oh, no way,
Barney's my honey bear.

133
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,842
Actually, one of his plays
is called The Honey Bear.

134
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,043
He dresses up
like Winnie the Pooh,

135
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,546
and the next thing you know,
his hand's stuck in your pot.

136
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,783
Robin, you're a doll
for worrying about me,

137
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,185
but that doesn't sound at all
like my Barney.

138
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,821
Why won't you let me
help you, Patrice?!

139
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,459
She can't see
that Barney is using her,

140
00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,961
and it breaks my heart.

141
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,029
You know, I-I-I
love Patrice.

142
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,799
We're like sisters.

143
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,066
You've never gotten
through even one exchange

144
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,468
without screaming at her.

145
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,736
Sisters fight, Ted!

146
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:37,571
But the bond

147
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,072
is always there.

148
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,073
Okay?
Okay.

149
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,709
And that's
why I need

150
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,077
to steal The Playbook
and show it to Patrice,

151
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,313
so she'll believe me.

152
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,917
Or you could do
almost anything else

153
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,585
and not sound
so creepy.

154
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,920
TED:
Robin,

155
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,255
seriously, this obsession
isn't healthy.

156
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,157
Just let it go.

157
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,592
(sighs)

158
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,160
Maybe you guys are right.

159
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,328
(sighs)

160
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,531
Thanks for talking
some sense into me.

161
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,566
(whirring)

162
00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:11,038
Lily, can I ask you

163
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,105
a question?

164
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,407
If it's "Did somebody put gravel

165
00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:15,108
in the couch cushions
you're sleeping on,"

166
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,444
absolutely not.

167
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,446
What would be the motive?

168
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,947
No, it's not that.

169
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,683
Uh, don't tell Marshall
because he's not ready,

170
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,953
but I think I might want

171
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:29,389
to get back out there
and meet a nice man.

172
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,792
Wow, that's great, Judy.

173
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,026
And I thought
you might be able to help

174
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,862
because you always look
so good.

175
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,630
You think I look good?

176
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,966
I mean, you dress
like a Duluth streetwalker,

177
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,068
but my son seems to like it.

178
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,136
I'll take it.

179
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:46,039
So, any advice?

180
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:49,076
Well, first I'd throw out
any giant sweater

181
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,444
with a horse on it.

182
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,579
Even the ones...?
Even the ones

183
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,047
that have manes
with real horse hair, yes.

184
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,983
And second, I'd let the gals
out to play a little more.

185
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,085
The gals?

186
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,622
Oh...

187
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:04,291
you mean the Minnesota Twins.

188
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,629
NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, Robin was
about to give up

189
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,765
on ever finding The Playbook
until...

190
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,834
(beeps, hisses)

191
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,537
(choir singing)

192
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,308
Ugh, the Bro Code, damn it.

193
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,343
(beeps, hisses)

194
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,615
(sighs)

195
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:29,617
(hissing)

196
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,652
(choir singing)

197
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,458
David Lee Roth's autobiography?

198
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,960
Crap.

199
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:40,961
(sighs)

200
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,262
"To the best wingman ever.

201
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,497
"We'll always have Panama.

202
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,866
Love, Diamond Dave."

203
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,704
(hissing)

204
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:56,276
Patrice, it's really nice of you
to buy Robin a new purse,

205
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,912
but it's not your fault that
the other one got scratched.

206
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,482
Anyway, just get
yourself over here.

207
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,151
I've got the tree,
the decorations,

208
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,619
and the know-how
from Lethal Weapon 2

209
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:07,821
to pop that shoulder
right back into place.

210
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,457
Yep, there is not one reason
to leave this apartment

211
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,492
for even a second tonight.

212
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,832
Ow.

213
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,205
How's my favorite architect?
Other than incredibly handsome.

214
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:26,173
Hey, Mom.

215
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,975
No, it's Robin.

216
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,176
What do you need?

217
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,978
For reasons
that aren't important,

218
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,580
I'm trapped in Barney's closet.

219
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:35,082
Help get me out, and I'll return
your Weekend at Bernie's DVD.

220
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:38,185
No way, that's not enough to get
me involved in your crazy mess.

221
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,553
I'll also go with you

222
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,755
to the five-day fan convention
in the desert.

223
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,724
You'll come with me
to Bernie Man?

224
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,025
Yes, just hurry.

225
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,760
JUDY (over baby monitor):
Ooh...

226
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:50,097
someone's excited to see me.

227
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,932
Who's Mama's big boy?

228
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,935
Who is Mama's big boy?

229
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,905
Wait.

230
00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:58,939
MICKEY:
I am.

231
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,174
Mickey?

232
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,444
And I've been bad.

233
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,117
Get off my mommy.

234
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,257
(knocking)

235
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,130
Hugh Hefner
in your lobby right now.

236
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,165
I'm gonna grab my robe.

237
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,276
"Teddy's first Christmas"?

238
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,078
Barney, are these my ornaments?

239
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,247
That could be anyone's
baby handprint, Ted.

240
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,984
Now, come on, Hef's old,
but he moves like a cheetah.

241
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,024
(sighing)

242
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,131
(hissing)

243
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,432
(choir singing)

244
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,002
(gasping)

245
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,810
Why would you do that...

246
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,812
with Mickey?

247
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,848
I've been lonely,
Marshall, and all the men

248
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:19,820
in St. Cloud's idea of romance
is taking me ice fishing.

249
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,588
That was me and
your father's thing.

250
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,023
Plus,

251
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:26,126
call it an overcorrection,
but it's kind of nice

252
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:29,429
being with a sophisticated,
big-city man.

253
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,764
(belches)

254
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:33,033
You know, I don't know
what the big deal is.

255
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,635
You've been bumping uglies
with my daughter for years.

256
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,505
The second I climb up on your
mom, it's the end of the world?

257
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,008
(groans)

258
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,143
How could you think
that was Hef?

259
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,611
It was
an honest mistake.

260
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,714
That guy was black, Ted.

261
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:49,016
I guess I just don't notice
that kind of stuff.

262
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,854
(hissing)

263
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,993
(exclaims)

264
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,362
(sighs)

265
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:05,565
We'll get to the grotto
one day, my pet.

266
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:08,135
One day.

267
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,469
How's my favorite architect?

268
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:10,470
Other than well-endowed.

269
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,805
Mom?

270
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,206
No, it's Robin again.

271
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,542
Look, you've got to come
back in and get my purse.

272
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,845
Nope, I'm done. Bye, Robin.

273
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:18,979
Wait!

274
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,480
What if I told you
I was looking at

275
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,015
your red cowboy boots right now?

276
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,985
Describe them.

277
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,253
They're red
and they're cowboy boots.

278
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,687
That's them!

279
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,022
Why are they at Barney's?

280
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,091
Hey, Barney.

281
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,993
Just returning Ted's boots
I borrowed for Halloween.

282
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,895
You were a cowboy?

283
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,496
No, my wife
was Wonder Woman.

284
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,932
Can you believe Ted thinks a guy
can get laid wearing these?

285
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,936
Challenge accepted.

286
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:48,075
Do you know what
that sound is, Ted?

287
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:49,542
That's a red boot

288
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,711
about to be savagely
cut up by my pocketknife!

289
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,413
You mean my pocketknife.

290
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,248
I lent it to you two years ago.

291
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,719
(knocking)

292
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:00,720
Hey.

293
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:03,123
Sorry about the
Hugh Hefner mix-up.

294
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:06,426
But seriously,
Jon Bon Jovi is downstairs.

295
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:09,062
You sure it isn't my landlady,
Mrs. Takahashi?

296
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,130
I'm serious.

297
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,431
The janitor just
mopped the floor.

298
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,433
Bon Jovi is literally
standing next to a sign

299
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,601
that says "Slippery When Wet."

300
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:17,604
Uh-uh.
I want those ornaments back.

301
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,640
(cell phone buzzes)

302
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,256
(knocking at door)

303
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,159
Damn it, Ted!

304
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:40,660
You get those ornaments
all year.

305
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,130
I just need
'em for Christmas!

306
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,397
Oh. Hey, Patrice.

307
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,899
Did you have any
trouble finding Rudolph?

308
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:48,235
No, it was right on Ted's
fire escape like you said.

309
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,403
Are you sure he's okay
with us borrowing it?

310
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,372
Positive.

311
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,777
I got your purse.
(whispering):
Oh, Ted, you're the best!

312
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,346
But I'm trapped in Barney's
living room closet.

313
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,281
Oh, Ted, you're the worst.

314
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,282
Okay, enough messing around.

315
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,416
I'm calling in The Wolf.

316
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,452
Lily?
Lily.

317
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,990
(phone ringing nearby)

318
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,493
(ringing is louder)

319
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,196
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

320
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:19,166
(phone beeps)
Hold on, Marshall's calling
me on the other line.

321
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,371
Lily, I just saw
the worst thing ever.

322
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,006
Kind of busy right
now, Marshall.

323
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,174
Quiet.
He can hear you.

324
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,175
Who's "he"?

325
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,243
He's coming!
Everyone shut up!

326
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:42,155
I'm just gonna grab this star
to put on top of the tree.

327
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:45,492
It's gonna be legend--
wait for it-- merry!

328
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:54,701
(sighs)

329
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,636
What are you doing here, Lily?

330
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,138
I've been using
Barney's apartment

331
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,539
to pump milk for Marvin.

332
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,141
What?! Why?

333
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,010
LILY:
Our apartment
is so crowded these days,

334
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:05,178
I don't get a minute to myself!

335
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,180
I have a key
to Barney's apartment,

336
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,581
he has a kick-ass couch,

337
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,517
and he DVR's all
the Real Housewives shows,

338
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:13,086
including the reunion specials.

339
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,222
(whirring)

340
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,032
What are you doing here?

341
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,533
I came to get The Playbook

342
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,535
so I could show Patrice
who Barney really is.

343
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:31,038
Why can't you just
let them be happy?

344
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,206
Because they're not
really happy, Lily!

345
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,675
BARNEY:
Patrice, can you grab my
computer from the bedroom?

346
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,111
I want to change my
Facebook status to "happy!"

347
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,180
You shouldn't have that.

348
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,215
You're right.

349
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,525
(sighs)
What?

350
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,094
Where is Ted?

351
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:59,032
My label maker!

352
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,201
No! I'm never coming out!

353
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,704
You know, Marshall, you've been
in there for a while now.

354
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:08,942
And I couldn't help but notice
you chugged that Super Big Gulp.

355
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,944
It's not gonna work, Mickey.

356
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,413
My bladder's
as big as your betrayal!

357
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,915
I see. So it's not gonna
bother you to think

358
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,986
about leaky faucets
or open hydrants,

359
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:22,956
or rushing rivers, or...

360
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:25,358
Oh, God, I got to pee. Oh!

361
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:27,961
What is this?

362
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,963
Where did you find that?

363
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,965
I didn't want to believe
that this existed,

364
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:34,101
but is this... The Playbook?

365
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,836
(whispering):
Let's see him lie his
way out of this one.

366
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,738
Yes, it is.

367
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,939
These are

368
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,274
all the tricks I used

369
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:43,076
to get women to sleep with me.

370
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,445
What do you
mean, tricks?

371
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,981
Like...

372
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,617
"The Two-Can-Play-at-That Game."

373
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:55,088
Can I help you?

374
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:58,091
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this, but...

375
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,293
my wife is having an affair
with your husband.

376
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,695
I even found a list
of every dirty way

377
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:05,132
they've enjoyed
each others' bodies.

378
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:09,669
I wish there was some way
we could get back at them.

379
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:10,870
There is.

380
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,307
We can kill them. (laughs)

381
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,051
I'm sorry to be the
one to tell you this...

382
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,186
You're not who I
thought you were.

383
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,120
Patrice, I...

384
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,122
I need some air.

385
00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:31,024
I...

386
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:33,026
Come on, Patrice, you...

387
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:36,263
You have got to
be kidding me.

388
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,901
Wait. Is that my mini-cooler?!

389
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,571
Not now, Ted.
Let's go!

390
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:47,474
Shh! Shh!

391
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,243
Patrice, I have done

392
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:53,680
some sleazy stuff to
seduce women, but

393
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,348
I want to be a better person.

394
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,484
You make me want to be
a better person.

395
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,986
I can't be with a man
who has a playbook.

396
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,089
I understand.

397
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,999
Whoa.

398
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,201
Whoa!

399
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,402
Whoa!

400
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:16,936
Whoa!

401
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:18,738
Is that my garbage can?!

402
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,579
I knew you were
a keeper.
(laughs)

403
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:27,780
Oh.

404
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,816
(rapid, rhythmic beeping,
Barney sighs)

405
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,456
I should go explain
this to the super.

406
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:38,125
Hey, come with.
There's a small chance

407
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,792
Jon Bon Jovi's
down in the lobby.

408
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,761
"You Give Love a Bad Name"
is the first track

409
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:42,962
on my "Get Psyched" mix!

410
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:44,997
Mine, too!

411
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,136
(sighing)

412
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,574
You still don't believe
those two are for real?

413
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,309
I'll take that.

414
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,578
The Ted Mosby Store
is officially closed.

415
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,113
What spilled in here?

416
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,481
Breast milk.

417
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,451
Seriously, I give and give,

418
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,687
and all I ask back
is a little bit of respect.

419
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,159
(sighs)

420
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,828
(laughs)
Okay, so tonight got weird.

421
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,430
You have no idea.

422
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,433
My mom's apparently ready
to get back out there.

423
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,635
Marshall, she told me
all about it,

424
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,504
and I was happy to help.

425
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,239
You helped?! Why?

426
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:29,142
I know it's hard to think of
your mom as a woman with needs,

427
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,010
but you have to let
her get out there

428
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:34,181
and rediscover her sexuality
with someone special.

429
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:37,517
Oh, you don't know.

430
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,853
No, uh, Marshall,
I do know.

431
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,190
You just think it's gross
because it's your parent.

432
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,591
But you know what?

433
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,493
It's beautiful.
Mm.

434
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,262
My mom

435
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:52,465
and your dad are humping.

436
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:55,335
(retching)

437
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,337
I think you should be happy
for them.

438
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,871
What? Why?

439
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:00,507
What is good about this?

440
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,775
Well, first of all,
respect to Mickey.

441
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,977
Your mom's a piece.

442
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,813
She's no Ted's mom,
but she's a piece.

443
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,615
And secondly,

444
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,784
I mean, it's nice
that they found each other.

445
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,521
Sometimes you fall for someone
you'd never expect,

446
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,523
but that doesn't make it wrong.

447
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,591
Doesn't everyone deserve
to be happy?

448
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,160
I guess

449
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:23,129
none of us thought
of it that way.

450
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,198
Next round's on me.

451
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,335
(sighs)
Wow.

452
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,736
I know.

453
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:30,970
Barney's lost it.

454
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,905
He needs an intervention.

455
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,173
Oh!
Oh!
Oh...

456
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,076
Robin, after
everything we've seen,

457
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,579
do you still think
Barney's faking this?

458
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,381
No, but we have
to stop it.

459
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,982
Barney is not
Barney anymore.

460
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,417
Well, people change.

461
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,486
But not this fast
and this drastically.

462
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,255
This is a cry
for help, okay?

463
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:51,724
If I was out of control, I
would want you guys to help me.

464
00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:54,727
So, what do you
say? Intervention?

465
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,830
Intervention.

466
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,866
(sighs)
Oh, good. You're all here.

467
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,334
Um,

468
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,869
when Barney shows up,

469
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,004
it's important for him
not to feel ganged up on,

470
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,839
so, let's start with, um,

471
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,108
"We love you,
and we're worried about you."

472
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:12,078
ALL:
We love you,
and we're worried about you.

473
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,946
Oh. Great.

474
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,215
But you know, with less pity
in your eyes.

475
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:18,385
Sweetie, sit down.

476
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:22,054
Uh, no. Only the person getting
the intervention sits down.

477
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:25,191
ALL:
Yeah.

478
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,760
Oh.

479
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,062
Please tell me
this is about my drinking.

480
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:34,100
Damn it.

481
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,073
So, we, um...
we just wanted to say

482
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,810
that we're sorry for
the way that we acted

483
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,346
when we found out
about you two.

484
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:50,950
Your happiness is
what is most important,

485
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:55,288
so, if you two want to date,
it's okay by us.

486
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:56,956
Who said anything
about dating?

487
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,291
This is just
about sex.

488
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:04,997
We're family...
with benefits.