1 00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:04,405 NARRATOR: Kids, this is a story about the time your Uncle Marshall 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,241 went before the New York State Judiciary Committee, 3 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:10,411 a panel that would decide the fate of his career. 4 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,513 He thought he'd open with an icebreaker. 5 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:16,817 By the way, did I mention those robes really do you all... 6 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,186 justice? 7 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,856 I'm just saying that you're all guilty... 8 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,825 of looking sharp. 9 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,859 Mr. Eriksen, please. 10 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,027 You're here to discuss 11 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,896 your conduct in court 12 00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:32,200 during the week of November 19, 2012. 13 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,234 Of course, Your Honor. 14 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,034 It all 15 00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,369 started when... 16 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:37,838 a so-called friend from law school 17 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:38,906 conned me into believing 18 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,408 that he needed my help getting a job, 19 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,111 when in reality, he stole my firm's strategy 20 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,912 for our upcoming trial against 21 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:48,048 Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd been polluting a lake upstate. 22 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,584 Turns out, he was representing Gruber. 23 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:53,187 Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen. 24 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,223 How could you trick me like that? 25 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,890 This is the biggest trial in my career. 26 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,126 Mine too, brobeans. 27 00:00:58,159 --> 00:00:59,427 When I win this trial, 28 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,129 I'm gonna buy a new car. 29 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,130 Thinking Lambo. 30 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,964 Awesome. I mean, no! 31 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,399 What happened to you? 32 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,401 You used to be, like, the nicest guy ever. 33 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:08,902 We were bros. 34 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,271 More than bros. 35 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,273 We ate brunch together. 36 00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,442 And I'll always cherish that. 37 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,543 But after Kara 38 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,610 broke my heart again 39 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:17,711 for the millionth time, 40 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,079 I said screw being nice, 41 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,949 suited up and started lying to get what I want. 42 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,083 That does happen. 43 00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:25,119 But you used to want to fight for the little guy. 44 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,388 Little guys pay with little checks. 45 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,390 But... you already know that. 46 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,291 You're in environmental law. 47 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:33,127 Marshall, you have a kid. 48 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,295 How are you gonna provide 49 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,130 for the little dude's futche? 50 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:38,966 I'm worried about Planet Earth's futche! 51 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:39,667 That's why I'm gonna 52 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,269 kick your ass in this trial. 53 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,737 Sure, you may have swiped our entire strategy for this case, 54 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,806 but I still got some tricks up my sleeve 55 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,008 that you know absolutely nothing about. 56 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:48,509 Really? 57 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:49,143 No. 58 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:54,182 * 59 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,426 NARRATOR: Kids, Robin and Barney had recently shared 60 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,694 an awkward moment. 61 00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,196 Whoa, whoa. 62 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:12,300 After that, they did what any two mature adults would do: 63 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:12,633 Hey! 64 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,267 Hey! 65 00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:13,867 How are you? 66 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:14,802 Great. You? 67 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:15,836 Good, so good. 68 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,638 Oh, great. Good to see you! You, too! 69 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,340 They pretended it never happened. 70 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:20,308 All right, guys, 71 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,109 this is the biggest case of Marshall's career. 72 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,311 That is why it's so great 73 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,978 that we all called in sick to work tomorrow, 74 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,647 so we could be in that courtroom to support him. 75 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,681 I didn't call in sick. 76 00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:28,949 I called in for all of us. 77 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,150 Uh, I have strep throat. 78 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,219 Robin, bronchitis. 79 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,453 Barney, massive hemorrhoids. 80 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,455 Why'd you have to say "massive"? 81 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,123 Well, if you're gonna miss work for hemorrhoids, 82 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,691 they kind of have to be massive. 83 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,127 I don't want to sit in a courtroom all day. 84 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,396 I bet you don't want to sit anywhere with those hemorrhoids. 85 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,698 I don't have... Shut up. (chuckles) 86 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,234 Look, you guys wouldn't understand, 87 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,237 but when you have a rap sheet as long as mine, 88 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,538 the last place you want to spend 89 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:51,539 a day is in court. 90 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,241 Rap sheet? 91 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,475 That's right. 92 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,477 When I was a teenager, Lily, 93 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,512 I was a total badass. Pfft. 94 00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,249 You want to talk about teenage badasses? 95 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:04,184 I was like John Gotti in a training bra. 96 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,854 (laughing) I'm serious. 97 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,089 In high school, before I started dating Scooter, 98 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,091 even he was afraid of me. 99 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:15,263 (whistling "The Farmer in the Dell") 100 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,201 Lily coming! 101 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,237 Lily coming! 102 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,042 You look okay. 103 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,412 Want to hang out? 104 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,714 Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed three friends, so... 105 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,450 Your mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter. 106 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,018 My name's Jeff. 107 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,288 Not no more it ain't. 108 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,024 The one part of that story I believe 109 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,593 is that Scooter only had three friends. 110 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:46,594 TED: Ah! 111 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:47,861 Here he is. 112 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,129 The pride of St. Cloud, 113 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:50,364 the environmental lawyer 114 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:51,265 we've come to know and love. 115 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,733 He's mean. He's green. 116 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,268 He's not wearing the tie I bought him for the trial, 117 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,603 but I'm not gonna mention it... 118 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:59,039 Marshall "I Was Gonna Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen! 119 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,073 (cheers) 120 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,309 ROBIN: How you feeling, 121 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,576 Counselor? 122 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:03,877 Well, uh, I mean, at first 123 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,379 that Brad thing had me rattled, 124 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,914 but now I feel pretty good. 125 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,316 I mean, for one thing, 126 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,150 I don't have massive hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy. 127 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:10,984 I don't have ma... 128 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,320 And more importantly, unlike Brad, 129 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,988 I actually have something to fight for. 130 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,124 Pop, because of your precedent-setting 131 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,792 legal victory 14 years ago, 132 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,594 kids like me can fish in clean lakes 133 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,830 all over the world. 134 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,932 They sure can, champ. 135 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,935 Because when you do one good deed... 136 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,470 (smacks lips) 137 00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:32,940 ...it creates a ripple effect. 138 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,175 One good deed 139 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,845 leads to another and another. 140 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:40,781 Man, you're wise. 141 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,183 That's probably why I never have felt the need to do drugs 142 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:44,418 or rebel in any way. 143 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,454 (laughs) 144 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,491 Anyhoo... (sighs) 145 00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:53,126 NARRATOR: The next day, we all headed down to court 146 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,795 to support Uncle Marshall. 147 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,296 Yeah. 148 00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,298 Want to know what I looked like at age 15? 149 00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,667 There it is. 150 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,535 I don't get it. That guy wasn't masturbating. 151 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,637 Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up 152 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:06,273 to his Cub Scouts neckerchief. 153 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,174 (chuckling) 154 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,476 LILY: Ted, 155 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,310 you were never a badass. 156 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,311 Au contraire. 157 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,546 Off to a good start... 158 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:13,614 I was locked up 159 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,483 plenty of times as a teenager. 160 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,316 Let's just say 161 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,486 Johnny Law was not a fan 162 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,488 of Teddy Westside. 163 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,390 Make sure you get my good side... 164 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,425 Princess. 165 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,327 (camera shutter clicks) 166 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,529 You guys want to talk 167 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,664 about hassling the fuzz? 168 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,700 Finish that, Scoots. 169 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,135 Okay, 170 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,737 let's see some IDs. 171 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,206 Scooter, do you smell bacon? 172 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,908 (laughs sinisterly) 173 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,410 Laugh, bitch. 174 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:43,477 Ha! 175 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:44,545 Ha ha! 176 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,346 ID now, both of you. 177 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,582 (sighs) 178 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:50,551 Which one of you 179 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:51,819 is Yuki Hakutani? 180 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,554 Right here. 181 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:57,391 So, Yuki, you're 6'1" and you were born in 1947? 182 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,960 Congratulations. You can read. 183 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,464 (screaming) 184 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,567 Barney Stinson? 185 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,570 Well, if it isn't Warren Frankel. 186 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:10,771 Bailiff 187 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,205 Warren Frankel, 188 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,408 who knows me. FRANKEL: You know, 189 00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:16,376 I almost didn't recognize you without handcuffs on. 190 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,579 Yeah, I've matured quite a bit since the old days. 191 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,448 The only time I'm wearing handcuffs now is, uh, 192 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,582 in the bedroom. 193 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,417 Bondage. I get it. 194 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:24,718 Well, 195 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,053 I have to run. 196 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,354 Stay out of trouble. 197 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,056 (chuckles) 198 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,092 Badass. 199 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,730 In summary, I will prove that Gruber Pharmaceuticals 200 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,933 wantonly and knowingly polluted Frog Lake 201 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,736 and therefore must pay restitution of no less 202 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,539 than $25 million. 203 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,307 Thank you. 204 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:51,378 How's this for a fact: 205 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,146 Frog Lake is home 206 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,282 to a buttload of frogs and birds. 207 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,751 If it's so polluted, 208 00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,220 why don't all those birds fly to a cleaner lake? 209 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,656 And why don't the frogs just be like, 210 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:05,593 "Hey, birds, can I catch a ride, ribbit?" 211 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:08,361 (quietly): Marshall's gonna wipe the floor with this ding-dong. 212 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:10,598 Oops. 213 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,199 I seem to have dropped my pen. 214 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,011 Objection, Your Honor. 215 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,279 Nobody needs this long to pick up a pen. 216 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:29,449 I'll allow it. 217 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,756 The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. 218 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:36,757 I mean, 219 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,793 I've heard of Twelve Angry Men, 220 00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,930 but this was more like Twelve Horny Women. 221 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,131 Stay on topic. 222 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,034 I can't compete with Brad. 223 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,702 The jury is in love with him. 224 00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:51,371 During recess, one of those ladies raced across the hall 225 00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:53,507 to see if she could get a divorce. 226 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,442 And I'm pretty sure there was some funny business 227 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,378 going on under that judge's robe. 228 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,313 What you guys saw Brad do was nothing. 229 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,550 He's taken it to a whole other level. 230 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,184 Ladies and... 231 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,987 ladies of the jury, 232 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,656 I'm sorry if I seem down. 233 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:09,657 My girlfriend 234 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,291 Kara... 235 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,293 broke up with me last night. 236 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,695 JURY: Aww... 237 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,864 She said I listen too much, 238 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,132 whatever that means. 239 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,333 JURY: Aww... Aww... 240 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:24,437 Can you believe this guy? 241 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,742 Really? 242 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,278 Do I even want to see what I look like? 243 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,984 Wow. 244 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,886 That's, like, super mean. 245 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,724 Next, Brad brought out his "expert witness." 246 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,594 So, Dr. Bedrosian, you're saying 247 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:50,063 that even if Gruber Pharmaceuticals' 248 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:54,034 industry-leading drugs somehow seeped into Frog Lake, 249 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,237 they could actually be helping the otter population 250 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,406 grow thicker coats of fur? 251 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,409 Absolutely. 252 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,344 And for the older birds, who... 253 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,615 maybe don't perform as well in the bedroom as they used to, 254 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,416 could actually be having 255 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,184 healthier sex lives? 256 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:13,453 In my expert opinion... 257 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,487 yes...? 258 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,590 Yes. 259 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:18,726 So Gruber... 260 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,061 is giving these animals free medicine. 261 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:25,699 Medicine that you or I would have to pay a fortune for if... 262 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,801 we needed help in the bedroom... 263 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,269 which I don't. 264 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,971 (jury giggling) 265 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:34,407 You're so bad. (chuckles) 266 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,575 But I realized, 267 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:39,146 if Brad could call a quack as his star witness, 268 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,348 then so could I. 269 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,652 You'll get that in a second. 270 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,219 (duckling peeping) Meet Paddles, 271 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,487 the duckling. 272 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:48,288 "Quack." 273 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:49,122 Continue. 274 00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,659 Little Paddles here just spent 275 00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,827 three months being nursed back to health. 276 00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,462 Why? 277 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,430 Well, because he was found in Frog Lake 278 00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,834 suffering from acute dermatitis... 279 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,269 (jury gasps) 280 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:05,505 ...a painful full-body rash, caused by who? 281 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,808 Gruber Pharmaceuticals. 282 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,309 (jury gasps) 283 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,978 For a brief, shining moment, 284 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,480 it looked like I might just win this thing. 285 00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,082 But then... 286 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:19,086 I took a field trip to this so-called "polluted" lake. 287 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,520 If you'll indulge me, 288 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,323 I'd like to share my experience. 289 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:27,160 (sultry saxophone playing) BRAD: Frog Lake. 290 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,529 Behold... 291 00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,564 nature's beauty. 292 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,367 Polluted? 293 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,369 Polluted with good times. 294 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,906 * 295 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,811 * WOMAN (sensuously): Frog... Lake. 296 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,479 * 297 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,853 * 298 00:10:58,358 --> 00:10:59,559 * 299 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,028 Frog Lake. 300 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,195 Come on in. 301 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:03,931 The water's fine. 302 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,399 (bell dings) 303 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,140 I shot and edited that myself. (quiet laugh) 304 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,609 Yep, I edit stuff, too. 305 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,580 Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no rap sheet under your name. 306 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:23,383 Oh, y-you know what, it must be under 307 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,253 my street tag: Number One Gunna. 308 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,989 Nope. Sorry, Number One Gunna. 309 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,423 Next! 310 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:35,062 Those jive-ass turkeys must've lost it. 311 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,329 Well, they're pretty swamped 312 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,831 arresting 1970s pimps like yourself. 313 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,833 Lily, let it go. 314 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,269 I didn't want to brag, but I think 315 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,536 it's time to acknowledge 316 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:47,574 that I was the ultimate teenage badass of this group. 317 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:48,675 (laughing) 318 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,744 You were a teen pop star in Canada. 319 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,380 You sang songs about the mall. Hey. 320 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:56,249 There is a dark side to being a rocker on the road 321 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,617 north of the 49th. 322 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,452 (rock music playing) (knocking) 323 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,321 Mm, thanks. 324 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:07,294 Hey. We've received some noise complaints, eh? 325 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,262 Can you please lower the music? 326 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,731 Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. 327 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,033 (scoffs): Sure. 328 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,535 How aboot, uh, I lower the TV, too, 329 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,469 yeah? 330 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,106 (grunts) 331 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,141 (screeches) 332 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,776 (cheering) 333 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,612 Three hours later, I was arrested 334 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:29,049 drunk, naked, and driving a Zamboni. 335 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,285 Man, that DUI drove my insurance through the roof. 336 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,588 JUDGE: Please be seated. 337 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:38,458 Mr. Morris, good seeing you this morning. 338 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,427 Mr. Eriksen... 339 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,161 you're here. 340 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,562 Any, uh, 341 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,797 final witnesses? 342 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:46,133 Well, Your Honor, um... 343 00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,436 Um... 344 00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:55,175 Actually, Your Honor, uh, I'm afraid... 345 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,710 JUDGE: Mr. Eriksen? 346 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,116 Your Honor, I call Brad Morris 347 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,317 to the stand. 348 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,785 (excited chatter) Mr. Eriksen, this is 349 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,254 highly irregular. I would like 350 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,122 Mr. Morris to remove his shirt. 351 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,691 JUDGE: I'll allow it. Objection, Your Honor, 352 00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,260 on grounds that this is ridonk! 353 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,828 Overruled. Take it off. 354 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,939 (exhales) 355 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,207 (jury groaning) 356 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,210 Acute... 357 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,212 dermatitis, 358 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,948 courtesy of Frog Lake 359 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,850 and Gruber Pharmaceuticals. 360 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:38,718 (exhales) 361 00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,221 That was badass. 362 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,722 So, in the end, 363 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:46,059 one might say you were forced to do something... 364 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,660 rash? 365 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,563 (laughter) Rash! 366 00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:53,366 You know, I had that one, but Lily told me to cut it. 367 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,801 Um, anyway... 368 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,337 all that was left was the verdict. 369 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,671 (paper unfolding) 370 00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:03,243 "We, the jury, find Gruber Pharmaceuticals... 371 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,544 guilty." 372 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,579 (excited shouts) Yes! 373 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,483 (whispers): $25 million. 374 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,054 That tie is not only tasteful; it's lucky! 375 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:18,391 I hereby fine Gruber in the amount of $25,000. 376 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,960 Court is adjourned. 377 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:31,704 Your Honor, $25,000? What just happened? 378 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:34,607 Son, yes, Gruber Pharmaceuticals probably polluted that lake, 379 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,443 but I'm not gonna ruin an important company 380 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,045 just because they gave some bird a rash. 381 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,746 No, but it's thousands of birds, 382 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,848 and fish and otters and turtles... Look, Eriksen, 383 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,250 I hate to cut you short, 384 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,018 but I got tickets to Annie and my wife is waiting. 385 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,786 You have a wi... 386 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,888 won-wonderful show to see? 387 00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,390 Guilty. Ciao. 388 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,529 (deep voice): You'd best get your mind right, son! 389 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,932 The game is the game, and there ain't no winners. 390 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:01,334 How many retired gangbangers you know? 391 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,303 Exactly. 392 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,073 (all shrieking) 393 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,409 (chuckling): Barney... 394 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,944 check it out. 395 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,612 I found my scrapbook from the old days. 396 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,047 We're kind of busy right now, Warren. 397 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,215 We're scaring kids straight, so... 398 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,583 No, no. Barney was 399 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,718 the youngest member of our Magic Enthusiasts Club 400 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:19,786 years back. 401 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:20,920 Famous for 402 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,089 escaping from handcuffs. 403 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:22,922 Handcuffs, huh? 404 00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:24,424 Very tiny hands. 405 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,626 That was his secret. (chuckles) 406 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:27,961 See you around, baby hands. 407 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,500 So, you don't know the bailiff because you were a badass. 408 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:36,936 You knew him because you guys were in a nerd club together. 409 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:40,740 Where you dazzled audiences with your sleight-of-tiny-hand. 410 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,843 So I was a late hand bloomer! 411 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,745 Go ahead, laugh, 412 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,180 laugh like all the others, 413 00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,150 but those magicians pulled off the greatest trick of all: 414 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,153 (voice breaking): they accepted me. 415 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,823 Okay, well, to be fair, 416 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:59,326 I... may have slightly exaggerated 417 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,761 my badass story, too. 418 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:02,929 (knocking) 419 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,098 Oh, sorry. Uh, no, thank you, housekeeping. 420 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,933 I've already made my bed. 421 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:10,103 And I only used one washcloth, so it's... 422 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:13,106 Congratulations, Miss Sparkles. 423 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,041 On behalf 424 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,608 of the Manitoba Hotel 425 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,145 and Curling Rink Association, we'd like to thank you 426 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,848 for being the nicest, most well-behaved hotel guest ever. 427 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,983 (laughing): Oh, yippee! 428 00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,552 (laughs): What a loser! 429 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,687 Your story's not true, either, is it, Ted? 430 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,122 Not at all. 431 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:33,226 Make sure you get my good side, Princess! 432 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,662 (camera shutter clicks) 433 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,464 I left the courthouse that day 434 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,467 questioning what I was even doing with my life... 435 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,170 and then that night, I had a dream. 436 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,305 Sorry I failed, son. 437 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,174 What about your Pebble Theory, Dad? 438 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:50,810 One good deed ripples out and makes another and another? 439 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,645 Yeah. 440 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,581 This is what really happens 441 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:58,585 when you throw a pebble into Frog Lake. 442 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,120 (whoosh) 443 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,224 The truth is, you can fight 444 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:07,527 your whole life to do good and still get nowhere. 445 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,761 You're wrong. 446 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,997 Some good's gonna ripple out of this, Dad. 447 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,732 I promise. 448 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,602 (creature screeches) 449 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:19,539 Great, I've angered the Frog King. 450 00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:23,110 Later that night, some good did ripple out. 451 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,677 (footsteps approaching) 452 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,679 BRAD: Hey. 453 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,848 What, are you here to gloat? 454 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:32,018 (sighs): No. Came here to thank you. 455 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,120 For reminding me 456 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,455 of why I got into law in the first place: 457 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,023 to fight for the little guy. 458 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,125 Which is why 459 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,093 I said "Hasta Lucia" to my firm, 460 00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:42,195 and took a job at your firm, brobeans. 461 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,930 Don't "brobeans" me. 462 00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:47,634 My boss would never hire you after the way you lied to us. 463 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,137 I told him I'd take every last bit of manipulation, 464 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,239 deception, and accidental pen-dropping 465 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:55,875 I used against you guys and put it towards saving the world. 466 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,076 Even if that's true, 467 00:17:57,110 --> 00:18:00,079 I'm still not sure that I can forgive you. 468 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:03,883 Would you object to an 11:15 brunch rezzy for two 469 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,286 tomorrow at the Popover Pantry? 470 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,590 I'll allow it. 471 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,192 Yes! The Brunch Bros are back! 472 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,563 And thank God we were, because... 473 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,097 well, what he said next 474 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,900 is the reason that I'm sitting in this chair. 475 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,135 Seriously, 476 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:25,405 thanks-- for giving my soul a little redempsh. 477 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,241 And B-T-dubs, that judge was an idiot. 478 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,642 It's people like you, 479 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:33,446 people with hope and vision and integ, 480 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,149 that should be behind that bench making the calls. 481 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:40,653 And that's when I realized I wanted to be a judge. 482 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:41,988 Because judges 483 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,090 are the ones who can effect real change. 484 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,458 And that's why I'm here, 485 00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:48,661 before the New York State Judiciary Committee. 486 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,464 I hope that you will consider me 487 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,867 for an appointment to a judgeship. 488 00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:56,135 Thank you, Mr. Eriksen. 489 00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,338 The panel will take this under advisement. 490 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,873 Take your time. 491 00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,344 It could be a few months. 492 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,815 Better tell my wife I won't be home for dinner. 493 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:09,682 Get out. 494 00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:13,720 (sighs) 495 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:15,688 Hey. 496 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:16,789 Hey. 497 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,325 How are you? Uh, great. You? 498 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,126 So gr... (sighs) 499 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,895 Can we talk about this for a second? 500 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,964 Yeah. 501 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:28,167 It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be. 502 00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,402 Me, neither. 503 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,404 So let me just say this. 504 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,139 I'm done. 505 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,408 You don't have to worry anymore. 506 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,176 What do you mean? 507 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,745 I'm done trying to get you. 508 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,713 I can't do it anymore. 509 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:43,250 I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, 510 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,352 but I promise... 511 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,355 I'm done making a fool of myself. 512 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,723 Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself... It's okay. 513 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:51,991 It's okay. 514 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,361 I want it to be okay. 515 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,928 So here's what's gonna happen. 516 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,365 I'm gonna get us two drinks, 517 00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:01,268 come back and comment on the likely size and color 518 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,936 of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, 519 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,872 with the big, dark nipples. 520 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:07,240 And you're gonna be grossed out, 521 00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:10,377 but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell 522 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,246 a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, 523 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,582 but neither one of us are gonna say, 524 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,784 "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" 525 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,787 Because it really will be good to see you. 526 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,324 Think we can swing that? 527 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,993 Yeah, I do. 528 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,862 Badass. 529 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,898 (laughs) 530 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,175 Huh. 531 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,750 Thanks for your support, guys. It means a lot. 532 00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,320 We'll call in sick anytime you have a problem. 533 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:56,356 (whistling "The Farmer in the Dell") 534 00:20:58,358 --> 00:20:59,559 Lily coming! 535 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,328 Lily coming! 536 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,229 (stops whistling) 537 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,264 Badass.