1 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,905 Guys, I'm going through something kinda hard. 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,541 Since Quinn and I broke up, she's gone back to dancing 3 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:10,911 at The Lusty Leopard, and it's just really tough because... 4 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:13,981 'Cause you have to find a new strip club? I have to find a new strip club! 5 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,684 I've been going to The Lusty Leopard for seven years. 6 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,387 Wow. That's like 49 in perv years. 7 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,389 Sixty-nine. Self-five. 8 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,690 Look... 9 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,824 without my open wallet, 10 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,393 The Lusty Leopard would be nothing. 11 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,661 Thanks to me, they've been able to expand 12 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,264 and take over that soup kitchen next door. 13 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:32,433 Now I'm a free agent, 14 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,168 and all the strip clubs are after me. 15 00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,870 Mr. Stinson, we might not have 16 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,272 the best strippers at Moneyballs, 17 00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:42,009 but we use sabermetrics to get you a stripper with a five body, 18 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,079 sure, and another with a butter face, but together, 19 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,915 with their tireless grinding, we guarantee 20 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:50,851 a high on-pants percentage. 21 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,620 I gotta be honest with you, Fred, 22 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,289 I can't really see myself signing with the Golden Oldies. 23 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:58,759 Well, that's what everyone says... at first. 24 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,894 But our GILFs have got class. 25 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,796 They've got maturity and experience, 26 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:05,266 and the kind of mind-blowing flexibility 27 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:08,402 that only comes from advanced hip dysplasia. 28 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:14,408 Barney, the Lusty Leopard would be lost without you. 29 00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,810 I think you're really gonna like a couple of the girls 30 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,279 we just pulled up from the minors. 31 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,114 Don't leave us! 32 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:22,716 Wow, you're like the LeBron James of strip clubs. 33 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:26,154 Actually, you're probably tied with LeBron James for that title. 34 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,421 (scoffs) LeBron isn't all that. 35 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:29,157 The Cavs are doing great without him. 36 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,958 Yeah! 37 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:34,262 Hey, guys, you will never believe who I ran into 38 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,929 outside of work today. 39 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,065 It wasn't the guy handing out coupons 40 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,100 in the hot dog costume, was it? 41 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,136 Baby, there's no reason to be scared of him. 42 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:44,104 I'm not scared of him. 43 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:48,075 It's totally normal to see a hot dog with a face. 44 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,811 No, it was Brad, my old law school buddy. 45 00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:53,147 I almost didn't recognize him. 46 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:54,182 Marshall? 47 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,984 Brad?! 48 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,118 Bro! 49 00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,487 Oh, hey! 50 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,422 What a kick-ass day! 51 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,791 I run into you, some sucker throws away 52 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,326 most of a perfectly good hot dog... 53 00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:07,528 ...kick-ass day! 54 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,130 You still doing corporate law? 55 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,132 I got downsized two years ago. 56 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,201 It's been rough. 57 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,436 Going through a little bit of a depresh. 58 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,138 But just today, boom! 59 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:21,175 Huge job prospect. 60 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,109 Here's your application. 61 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,143 Just tell them I sent you. 62 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:26,314 I bet you could fit in the bratwurst. 63 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,182 Bratwurst with a face. 64 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,883 What'd I tell you? 65 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:32,286 Looks like I'm about to be on a roll. 66 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,355 Sounds like that guy could use some help. 67 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:36,023 I know! That's why I said... 68 00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:37,891 You know, I'm at Honeywell & Cootes, 69 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,793 and they're looking to hire an associate. 70 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,562 I could totally recommend you. 71 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,863 (all groan) 72 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,065 Leave the wounded behind! 73 00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:01,014 'Cause Brad is an old friend who needs a job. 74 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,250 Why shouldn't I give him 75 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,552 the old Marshall Eriksen Stamp of Approval? 76 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,587 Marshall, you're a stamp tramp. 77 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,389 How dare you! 78 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,491 And what is that?! 79 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,993 You give your stamp of approval to everything. 80 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,161 It's become meaningless. 81 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,063 It's like when my mom likes a movie. 82 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,766 It just means Richard Dreyfuss is in it. 83 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,168 Marshall, you love everything and everyone. 84 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,271 It's-It's what I love about you, 85 00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,740 but it's also why your stamps are total crap. 86 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,108 Give me one example. 87 00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:30,010 How about when you turned your boss 88 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,713 into a fountain of bodily liquids? 89 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,349 You guys like it? 90 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,352 I'll be waiting for you in hell, Eriksen. 91 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,720 (vomits) 92 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,955 (all groaning with disgust) 93 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,391 In my defense, that restaurant's health rating had just gone 94 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,293 from an "F" to a "D," and I wanted to reward that. 95 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,395 Marshall, you're already on thin ice 96 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,263 with that horrible Honeywell guy. 97 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,965 Don't risk screwing things up more right before 98 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:53,233 your biggest case ever. 99 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,035 Okay, Honeywell is not horrible, 100 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,704 he just has a bad temper sometimes. 101 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,772 And he holds a grudge. 102 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,309 He's kind of defensive about his height. 103 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,543 And he's cheap. 104 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,978 And he made those secretaries cry. 105 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,580 But, deep down, he is a great guy. 106 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,081 Heck, he gets my stamp, too. 107 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,249 Stamp tramp. 108 00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,051 Well, maybe this isn't the moment 109 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,553 to stick your neck out for Brad. 110 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,455 Well, that's not how I was raised. 111 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:17,224 Back in St. Cloud, we believe in people, 112 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:22,062 people like Gudren Olsen, the town wino who became our mayor. 113 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,332 They even wound up naming a bridge after him. 114 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:26,734 The one he drove off. 115 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,836 Marshall, why can't you be more like your wife? 116 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,070 Lily's stamp is gold. 117 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,505 I'm reading this book because of her. 118 00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:33,807 (bell dings) 119 00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,943 I'm drinking this beer because she recommended it. 120 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,345 (bell dings) 121 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,946 I'm even wearing this bra because 122 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,748 of a lingerie store Lily told me about. 123 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,850 (bell dings twice) 124 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,320 Uh, if anyone's got the golden stamp, 125 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:48,489 it's old Teddy Westside over here. 126 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:51,759 Please. You're a piggyback stamper. 127 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,361 How dare you! 128 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,162 And what is that?! 129 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,197 Allow us to demonstrate. Lily? 130 00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,768 Hey, guys, I just found a great new sushi restaurant. 131 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,969 It's called Katsu... 132 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,637 ...yoku. Katsuyoku. 133 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,673 My idea. I'm Ted. 134 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,074 Nailed it. Totally. 135 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,478 Okay, Ted, name one cool thing you've given 136 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,045 your stamp to first... Dr. Berkowitz. 137 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:14,515 ...that isn't an ear, nose and throat doctor. 138 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,219 Man, these strip clubs want me so bad. 139 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,222 They're sending me T-shirts, beer cozies. 140 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,958 Sticky's even sent me 141 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,527 a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser. 142 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,129 It's clean and dirty at the same time. 143 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,533 That's it? T-shirts and beer cozies? 144 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,067 That's disrespect, son! 145 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,403 Here's what you do: 146 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,506 hit a few strip clubs in Jersey and Long Island. 147 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,741 Jersey? Long Island? 148 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,076 Why would I go to a Third World nation 149 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,845 to get my knob wobbled? 150 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:45,913 Well, you wouldn't. 151 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,648 But when the clubs in the city hear 152 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,183 you're sniffing around across the river, 153 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,519 those beer cozies and T-shirts turn 154 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:54,354 into Rolexes and fur coats. 155 00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:57,691 Especially from that strip club, Fur Coats. 156 00:05:57,725 --> 00:06:00,494 Wow. That's genius. 157 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,195 You're hired. 158 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,397 What do you mean? 159 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,533 I want you to be my strip club agent. 160 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,535 What is wrong with you? 161 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,336 Well, I just figured I'd ask-- 162 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,604 No, I was talking to myself, 163 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,740 because, for some reason, I really want to do that! 164 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,408 (laughs) 165 00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:17,110 Oh! Oh! What am I wearing? 166 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,514 Just proof of a stamp I know I gave first, 167 00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,450 from a little band called... 168 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,917 Dishwalla. 169 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:24,952 Who? 170 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,386 Dishwalla! Come on! 171 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,588 They had that whole, 172 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,557 "Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God" song. 173 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,559 ALL: Oh... 174 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,561 Look, I'm not saying they're my favorite band, 175 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,262 but for a little while in college, 176 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:38,198 we were all into that song, and it was all thanks to me. 177 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,767 But I turned you on to Dishwalla. 178 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,569 No way! I played them on my radio show. 179 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,972 I mean, pirate DJ Dr. X played them on 180 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,373 his beloved radio show. 181 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,442 We all know you were Dr. X, Ted! 182 00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,611 And I'm the one who got us into that song. 183 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,546 No! No! On his beloved radio show, 184 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,583 Dr. X pointed out that the chorus went, 185 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,752 "Tell me all your thoughts on God" 186 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:01,154 * 'Cause I really want to meet her. * 187 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,757 Her. God's a woman. (mimics explosion) 188 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,325 And it blew the minds 189 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,561 of everyone listening to Dr. X that night. 190 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:10,498 Which was pretty much everyone on campus... including me. 191 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,932 I'm not Dr. X. 192 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,601 Oh, so you're saying 193 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,970 credit for the stamp goes to Dr. X then, not you. 194 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,076 (exhales) 195 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,178 Okay... I'm gonna tell you guys something right now. 196 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,515 Take a sip. Follow my lead. 197 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:30,250 (exhales) 198 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,985 I'm Dr. X. 199 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,523 ALL: No! 200 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,591 I hope this works out, bro. 201 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:39,459 I couldn't even get my leg in that bratwurst outfit. 202 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:43,497 Don't be nervous. Honeywell is gonna love you. 203 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:46,667 Sweet! Freebie muff-tops! 204 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:50,203 Can I pour you a pocket of coffee? 205 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,205 I didn't say you were fat. 206 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,042 I said that dress makes you lo fat! Idiot! 207 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:56,710 Hey! You must be Brad! 208 00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,111 I'm excited to meet the man 209 00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,479 Eriksen's been talking up all week. 210 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:03,116 Mr. Honeywell, I have to say, 211 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,552 your environmental work is amazing. 212 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:05,986 (bell dings) 213 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,187 Come on, it's not like I'm saving the world. 214 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,857 Oh, wait, yes, I am! 215 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,859 (both laugh) Great. 216 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,160 Marshall tells me you have 217 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,863 the big Gruber Pharmaceutical trial coming up. 218 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,130 I'd love to give you my thoughts on the case, 219 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,567 but I can't take full credit. 220 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,301 Most of these are from my psychic. 221 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,703 My psychic always 222 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,404 pushes for a settlement. 223 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,640 But my numerologist says roll the dice with the jury. 224 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,709 I'm waiting for my astrologist to weigh in, 225 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,678 but he can be kind of flaky. 226 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,580 You know, Cancer. 227 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,682 Should know more after he's back from chemo. 228 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,685 (bell dings) Good luck, bro! 229 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,860 You know the best part about you challenging me on Dishwalla? 230 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,596 Didn't challenge you, don't care. It made me 231 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,098 dig up my old video diaries from freshman year. 232 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,266 And somewhere in here there's gonna be proof 233 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,568 that I am not a piggyback stamper. 234 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,670 I have my own original ideas. 235 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,839 Didn't you only do the video diaries 236 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,540 because of Winona Ryder in Reality Bites? 237 00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:01,875 No. 238 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,677 I don't know what you're talk-- shut up. 239 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,846 Let's just watch. 240 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,915 How do you even know there's gonna be mention 241 00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,583 of Dishwalla on those tapes? I don't. 242 00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,119 And it may take me days to go through them all, 243 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:15,055 but that is how committed I am to the truth. 244 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:18,525 LILY: Hey, you guys should check out that song by the band Dishwalla. 245 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,694 TED: Really? I've never heard of them. 246 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,030 Damn it! 247 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,197 So? 248 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,633 Bottom line, Vito: a lot of 249 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,200 strip clubs are into my client. 250 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,936 If you want the Melon Patch to be in the mix, 251 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,438 we're gonna need bigger melons and smaller patches. 252 00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:32,973 Otherwise, your establishment is not where 253 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,942 Barney Stinson is gonna pitch his tent. 254 00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:37,244 (chuckles) B-Dawg, Barn Door, 255 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,612 Stinson-natti, Bro-hio! 256 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:41,248 Talk to me. How's it hangin'? 257 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,216 You are killing it at this agent thing! 258 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,886 I just got a big box at Yankee Stadium 259 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,655 from the ladies at The Big Box. 260 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,789 Mm-hmm. 261 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,724 One question: Golden Oldies 262 00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,260 just sent me a fax machine and a Charo calendar. 263 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,062 Mm-hmm. Aren't they out of the running? 264 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,497 Yeah, but those old bitches don't need to know that. 265 00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,432 Yeah, I just feel kind of bad. 266 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,234 They just spent eight grand 267 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,903 on that wheelchair ramp up to the stage. 268 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,739 Hey, Larry, how's everything at the Beaver Dam? 269 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,440 I don't even know that strip club. 270 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,809 Oh, it's not a club. 271 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,478 My cousin Larry is a forest ranger in Squamish. 272 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,513 Oh, yeah? 273 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,648 Then I was fired from 274 00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:16,283 Bed Bath & Beyond 275 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,685 for telling inappropriate jokes. 276 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:18,686 I mean... 277 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,754 get a sense of humor, LaShonda. 278 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,255 You know how "they" are. 279 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:25,192 "They" meaning Bed Bath & Beyond employees, right? 280 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,293 Hmm? 281 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,627 No. Women. 282 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,663 That still could have been worse. 283 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:32,465 Thank God I ran into Marshall. 284 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,301 This guy's supportive as balls. 285 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,769 And here I am. 286 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,637 Yes, we both owe Marshall a debt of gratitude 287 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,040 for getting you this interview. 288 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,041 Eriksen... 289 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,110 can I see you outside? Sure. 290 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,813 Good. Try to stay out there a few minutes. 291 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:49,750 I just cut one, and I can tell it's gonna be a slow burn. 292 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:51,719 (clears throat) 293 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:55,122 TED: What is Generation X? 294 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,791 What does the X in "Generation X" stand for? 295 00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,459 What do we stand for? 296 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,462 Why aren't people on campus talking about this? 297 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,732 Maybe you should do a radio show 298 00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:07,567 and call yourself Dr. X. 299 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,668 (laughing) 300 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:11,238 I just had an amazing idea. 301 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,207 (groans) 302 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,675 Just turn it off! 303 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,344 I can't look away. 304 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,246 Oh, God, no. 305 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,481 Oh, God, I'm putting on a beret. 306 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,750 You were there. 307 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,551 Why didn't you tell me that looked stupid? 308 00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:27,387 LILY: Ted, that beret looks stupid. 309 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,923 TED (French accent): I agree to disagree. 310 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,559 Marshall, that man is the human equivalent of what came out 311 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,394 of my body after eating that soup you recommended! 312 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,829 This guy's your friend? 313 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,832 Really more of an acquaintance than a friend. 314 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,901 (bell dings) No backpedaling. 315 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,602 You're Marshall Eriksen. 316 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,872 You believe in people. 317 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,940 You know what Brad hasn't told you? 318 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,942 He was third in our class at Columbia. 319 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,778 That is impressive. 320 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,246 And I suppose he did warn us about the fart. 321 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,447 He's a great guy. 322 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:57,584 Please... give him just one more chance. 323 00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:00,353 Two more minutes. 324 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,889 (bell dings) 325 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,523 I'm proud of you. 326 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,326 I'm proud of you for being proud of me. 327 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,929 (light ding) 328 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,100 You went undergrad to Holy Cross? 329 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,267 That's my alma mater. 330 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:15,936 I went there on a basketball scholarship. 331 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,704 No way. I played center. 332 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,706 (scoffs) Uh-oh. 333 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,941 Why is that so shocking? 334 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:24,577 'Cause you're, like, an itty-bitty fella. 335 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,413 Hey, uh, fish, huh? 336 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,414 Fish are crazy, right? 337 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,581 You guys ever think about fish? 338 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,784 I am six-foot one, sir. 339 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:33,420 Bro, I'm at least a foot taller than you. 340 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,790 Well, then I guess that makes you a freakish seven-foot one. 341 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,658 What do you call fish with no eyes? 342 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,794 "Fsh." 343 00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:44,064 I am six-feet and one inch, and I'll prove it. 344 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,632 (snaps fingers) Eriksen. 345 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,771 How tall are you? 346 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,507 Seven feet. 347 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,811 So, we've got a deal somewhere? 348 00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,179 We sure do. 349 00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:00,914 You are the new face of-- 350 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:04,651 and exclusive customer to... 351 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:06,820 Golden Oldies! 352 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,521 What?! 353 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,257 I thought we ruled them out! 354 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,625 (high-pitched): I don't remember that! 355 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,461 Now let's go. It is 4:00, 356 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,463 and their dinner show starts in ten minutes. 357 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,331 Wait a minute. 358 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:19,833 Oh... 359 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:20,934 Is that a Rolex? 360 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,169 Huh. What do you know? 361 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,470 How did that get there? 362 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:27,340 Anyway, uh, so initial here and... 363 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,676 Where'd you get the bling, Robin? 364 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,211 Uh... 365 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,113 They bribed you. 366 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,448 They bribed you! 367 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,051 Why else would you pick a place where the strippers say 368 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,320 they're trying to put their grandkids through college?! 369 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,889 Please leave! 370 00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:43,690 Barney, I can explain, okay? 371 00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:45,125 Please... 372 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,894 leave. 373 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,830 Say it, you giant beast! Say I'm six-one! 374 00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:53,200 Maybe if you stood on top of that pot of gold 375 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,135 you have at the end of your rainbow. 376 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,569 You know something?! 377 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,038 You're nothing but a... 378 00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,572 a tree man! 379 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,575 I never want to see you again, tree man! 380 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:03,810 Fine. 381 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,412 I have to go to the little boys' room. 382 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:06,813 Not your office. 383 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,016 I need to take a dump. 384 00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:12,986 If that's the type of guy you vouch for, 385 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,221 I can't trust your judgment. 386 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,822 You're off the Gruber Pharmaceutical case. 387 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,124 No... 388 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:26,233 Oh, good, we're up to the time I got my ear pierced. 389 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:28,368 (on video): Do it, do it, do it, do it. 390 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,003 Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't, don't. 391 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,905 Okay, do it now. Do, do, do it, do it. 392 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,174 Don't, don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! 393 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:37,911 Don't! Yes, you can do this. You can... 394 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,913 That goes on for 45 minutes. 395 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:44,851 Hey... how was work, baby? 396 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,520 Remember how I always wanted to know 397 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,722 what it was like to be a ghost? 398 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,592 Well, I don't want that anymore. 399 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:53,893 Okay, suppose we lead 400 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,696 with the carbon testing of the residue water. 401 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,599 How do we keep the jury engaged? Anyone? 402 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,370 You could bring up the survey from 403 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,939 Dr. Pasquesi's testimony. 404 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,040 Anyone? 405 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:10,543 Anyone who isn't dead to me? 406 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,980 Then you have to earn Honeywell's trust back. 407 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,547 Just start small. 408 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,915 Put your stamp on little things 409 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,817 that have nothing to do with work. 410 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:18,986 Like a funny video. 411 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,989 I, uh, I may have something. 412 00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:26,926 TED: Don't think, Mosby! Do it now! Oh, my God, I'm doing it! 413 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,561 Wow, he's a real bleeder! 414 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,397 (bell dings) 415 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,100 LILY: And then you build to something else small, like a tasty snack. 416 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,168 Don't sleep on the popcorn. 417 00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:38,238 Try mixing the caramel and the cheese. 418 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,906 It shouldn't work, 419 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,441 but... it... does. 420 00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:44,177 There's no way caramel and cheese... That's good! 421 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,013 That is good. Oh! 422 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,647 (bell dings) 423 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,749 LILY: And when Honeywell starts trusting your stamp again, 424 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,085 he'll seek out your opinion on things. 425 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:52,952 Be honest, Eriksen. 426 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,022 Is this deep-V working? 427 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,990 And that's when you lie your ass off. 428 00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,791 Sir... 429 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,860 I think you could go even deeper. 430 00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:02,929 (bell dings) 431 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,198 And before you know it... 432 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,466 Eriksen, get in here. 433 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,202 ...you're back on the case. 434 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:14,441 Ted, why are you torturing yourself? 435 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,609 None of us were our best in college. 436 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,979 Oh, my God, I love my hair there! 437 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:24,051 I always thought I was this kid from suburban Ohio 438 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,853 who had this innate sense of judgment and taste 439 00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:30,223 and just showed up to college and wowed everyone. 440 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,226 Now I have concrete proof that I wasn't. 441 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,495 I was a total gomer. 442 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,797 Maybe I still am. 443 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,466 Wait-- that's the giant suit 444 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,335 Marshall wore on our third date. 445 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:43,536 TED (on video): So... 446 00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,072 Marshall Eriksen, 447 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:48,575 you just came back from your third date with Lily. 448 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:49,676 How was it? 449 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,010 Great, yeah. 450 00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:56,416 I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. 451 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,318 But is everything happening too fast? 452 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,320 I mean, maybe I should see other people. 453 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,854 Whoa, dude, no! 454 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:05,024 Lily Aldrin is special. You hold on to that girl. 455 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,693 MARSHALL: She is. 456 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:07,860 I'm only 18 and... 457 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:10,097 Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing. 458 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,566 It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her. 459 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,035 I mean, I'm probably not gonna meet my wife 460 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,071 until I'm, like, 23. 461 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,174 You're right. 462 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,444 What am I thinking? 463 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:27,380 I'm in love with this girl. 464 00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,716 Ted, oh, my God. 465 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,919 You gave me the ultimate stamp. 466 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:37,290 And in my whole life, this life... 467 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:40,493 it all goes back to that moment. 468 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,698 TED (on video): I mean, maybe take a month off, bang a couple chicks. 469 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,434 Lily's not going anywhere. 470 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:53,072 Hey, Barney. Hey. 471 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,775 Um, look, I'm sorry about the whole skimming-off-the-top- 472 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,044 of-the-strip-club-swag thing. 473 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,912 Hey, it happens to everybody. 474 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:01,614 Really? Because even as I said those words, 475 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:04,784 they did not feel like a real thing. 476 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,887 Hey, look, wherever you end up, can I have the dubious honor 477 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,322 of buying you your first lap dance? 478 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,158 It's a date. 479 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:16,229 Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for "The Decision." 480 00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:17,964 (boombox plays fanfare) 481 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,266 Yeah. 482 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:23,236 Ladies, my bro-dium? 483 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,104 Yeah. (chuckles) 484 00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,139 Look at this! 485 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:29,309 Man, this whole free agent experience, 486 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:32,279 it's been an unbelievable experience, 487 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:35,182 a real humbling experience. 488 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,185 First of all, The Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. 489 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,986 Oh... 490 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:44,023 (voice breaks): I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks. 491 00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:45,792 He's just gonna stay at The Lusty Leopard. 492 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,160 They have loyalty and heart. 493 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:48,661 I bet you he rewards that. 494 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,164 LeBron moved on, Ted. So should you. 495 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,302 But Barney Stinson has to do what's right 496 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:57,204 for Barney Stinson's penis. 497 00:18:57,237 --> 00:19:02,108 In this fall... This is tough. 498 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,877 Um... in this fall I'm going 499 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:07,680 to take my talents to Mouth Beach. 500 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,289 NARRATOR: The next day, Uncle Marshall went to court 501 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,157 for the biggest case of his life. 502 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,660 Hey, Marshall! Bilbo! 503 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,529 Brad? What are you...? 504 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:25,164 Did you just get hired 505 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,733 by Gruber Pharmaceutical's legal team? 506 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,701 Oh, not just. 507 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,637 I've been working for them for two years. 508 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,840 I heard about the job opening at Honeywell & Cootes 509 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:37,043 and knew that if I hung out in front of your office 510 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:40,213 and pretended to be down on my luck, you'd take pity on me, 511 00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:41,348 get me an interview... 512 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,882 Try to stay out there a few minutes. 513 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:47,086 I just cut one, and I can tell it's gonna be a slow burn. 514 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,956 ...and buy some alone time in the conference room. 515 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:59,232 I got your firm's strategy for the case. 516 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,033 Muchas gracias, bro-migo. 517 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,838 He's really more of an acquaintance than a bro-migo. 518 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,007 Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen. 519 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,710 NARRATOR: And so began the trial that would change the course 520 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:11,744 of Marshall's career. 521 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:15,014 But we'll get to that. 522 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:19,218 Oh, you see?! This is what I miss about being single: 523 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,120 cutting loose at a strip club, 524 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:23,723 drinkin' some beers, seein' some boobs, 525 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,393 getting thrown out for being "too handsy." 526 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:29,262 You were a little out of control tonight. 527 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,263 You know, I really thought 528 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:33,800 that that bouncer was bluffing with the Taser. 529 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,803 Man, everything's gonna taste like pennies for a week. 530 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,605 I had a fun time tonight, though. 531 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,273 Me, too. 532 00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:41,541 I always have fun with you. 533 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,609 (chuckles) 534 00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:52,151 Whoa, whoa. 535 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:55,888 I-I've got to... um... 536 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,425 We can't, we can't do this. 537 00:20:58,458 --> 00:20:59,426 (stammers) 538 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,428 This, this can't happen. 539 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:05,097 Uh, I've got to go. What...?