1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,172 NARRATOR: In the fall of 2012, 2 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:06,140 Nick and Robin were going strong. 3 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:07,875 Sometimes it's hard to say what it is exactly 4 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,143 that makes a couple click. 5 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,311 (sighs) 6 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,345 Wow. 7 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:12,513 (sighs) 8 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,748 Bravissimo! 9 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:17,751 Whatever it was, kids, Nick and Robin 10 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,553 really connected at first. 11 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,722 Hey, you know, I think I'm really starting 12 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,023 to feel something here... 13 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,692 (snoring) 14 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:27,928 But then, as often happens, they started to drift apart. 15 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,263 Why? 16 00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:30,664 Who can say? 17 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,933 Nick and I haven't had sex in three days. 18 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,668 And it's your fault. 19 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,736 Nick won't have sex 20 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:37,105 because he pulled his groin muscle, 21 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,240 all 'cause you made him join your stupid basketball team. 22 00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:41,709 Did you say "stupid basketball team"? 23 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:42,543 Yeah. 24 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,677 Oh, my gosh, guys, 25 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,713 we have to rush Robin to the hospital. 26 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,116 Because somehow, she swallowed her vocal cords 27 00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,950 and they got lodged in her rectum, 28 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,952 (whispers): because she's talking out of her ass. 29 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,422 Over the summer, Marshall had joined 30 00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,390 a midtown professionals basketball league. 31 00:00:56,424 --> 00:01:00,094 His team of lawyers was called The Force Majeurs. 32 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,296 Ever since they lost to a group of accountants, 33 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,132 he'd started getting a little intense about it. 34 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,967 You sure you didn't have a ringer or two out there, Joel? 35 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,436 Don't know what you're talking about. 36 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,571 Good hustle out there, Aboubakar! 37 00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:16,644 If Joel can use ringers, then so can we. 38 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,146 And Nick is our best player. 39 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,447 So as far as I'm concerned, 40 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,315 you can both keep your groins on ice. 41 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:22,216 TED: Groins on Ice. 42 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,817 Least popular 43 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,953 Madison Square Garden holiday show ever. 44 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,821 Why are you so into this basketball league? 45 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:30,224 Robin, it's the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 46 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,059 Who Work In Midtown League. 47 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,261 It's The Show! 48 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,395 (laughs) 49 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,096 You know, it's kind of funny, 50 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,999 imagining people icing their groins. 51 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:41,169 I mean, first they'd be all cold, 52 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,804 and then the ice would start to melt, 53 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:48,176 and things would get all wet and... steamy. 54 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,813 Okay, Lily. 55 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,315 Look, buddy, 56 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:55,949 I'm also the captain of a team 57 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,418 in the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 58 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,086 Who Work In Midtown League. 59 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,788 I'm addicted to the adrenaline, too. 60 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:01,955 Still, don't you think you're getting 61 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,157 a little obsessive about... 62 00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,692 ROBIN: Uh, hold up, hold up. 63 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,927 Are you suggesting that you are 64 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:11,031 a member of a sports team and you're the captain? 65 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,466 So says the "C" 66 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,002 I personally sewed onto my jersey. 67 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,137 After Victoria and I broke up, 68 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:19,106 I had some free time. 69 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,941 So, called up a few architect friends 70 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,109 and put together a little team 71 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:25,145 called the T-Squares. 72 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:28,882 See that? 73 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,184 The floor's uneven. 74 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,986 And that window placement is rubbish. 75 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,189 You know, if a genie gave me one wish, 76 00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:38,125 I would knock down that wall and create a nice flow. 77 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,893 Great wish. 78 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,530 I mean, there's too much hardwood, right? 79 00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:45,633 Did you nerds actually play any basketball? 80 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:50,204 Um, us nerds focused on something far more important: 81 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,639 bonding. 82 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,207 You guys are going to get pounded. 83 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,075 And I am not. 84 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,711 Oh, come on. You can't go a couple weeks without sex? 85 00:02:57,745 --> 00:03:00,981 Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam. 86 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,983 I'm sure he's quite a ball handler. 87 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,319 The problem is, now that we're not having sex, 88 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,654 we're talking more, 89 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:11,191 and I'm realizing that Nick is kind of... 90 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,593 dumb. 91 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,094 Really? News to me. 92 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,195 I hadn't noticed that. No. 93 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:16,330 Oh, my God. 94 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,031 You guys think that he's dumb, too? 95 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,032 So dumb. 96 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:20,033 Air bags are sharper. 97 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,069 Hot as lava but just as thick. 98 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,953 Wow. When did you guys start to notice that he was kind of dumb? 99 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:44,024 Well, there was that time Nick was doing the crossword. 100 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,427 Hey, what's a four- letter word for cut? 101 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,561 "Nick." 102 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,196 Yeah? 103 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,631 Is a four-letter word for cut. 104 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:51,565 What is? 105 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,133 "Nick." What? 106 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,436 Oh. I got it. 107 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:58,372 "Shave." 108 00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,975 And there was the comment about Gypsies. 109 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:02,976 No, no. 110 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,412 I think Gypsies prefer 111 00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:05,979 to be called Romani now. 112 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:06,980 (laughs) 113 00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,982 Do they? Really? 114 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:11,985 And what do unicorns and, uh, elves 115 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,387 and leprechauns prefer to be called? 116 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,622 (laughs) 117 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,758 You do know, uh, Gypsies are 118 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,093 a real ethnic group that actually exists? 119 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,064 Oh, you guys, I feel terrible now. 120 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,833 I always thought they were just made up, 121 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,035 like goblins or trolls or dolphins. 122 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,306 And then there's that story you told about how you and Nick 123 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,007 picked up that Danish exchange student 124 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,943 and you all took a shower together. 125 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,779 I never told a story like that. 126 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,180 Well, no time like the present. 127 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,248 Let's give this 128 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,450 Danish ho a name. 129 00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,017 I'm thinking Nadia. 130 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:47,588 Yeah, she sounds slutty and bi-curious. 131 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,289 What is wrong with you? 132 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,124 Your kid is right there. 133 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,360 Maybe want to clean it up a lit... 134 00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:53,994 (grunting) 135 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,029 You're wearing a baby and you're doing pull-ups? 136 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,966 No, Ted, I'm sitting around getting soft, 137 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,101 'cause that's what champions do. 138 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:05,138 The problem is, now that I know how dumb Nick is, 139 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,508 it's kind of making me reconsider the relationship. 140 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,676 Why? 141 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,944 Eventually, Nick's groin will heal 142 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,380 and you'll be back in Sexville, 143 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:15,549 where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill. 144 00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:17,385 Talk about a double standard. 145 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:21,154 Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time 146 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,458 or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. 147 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,860 But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy 148 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,962 who can't be trusted around outlets. 149 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,063 Dump him! 150 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,466 Okay, that is ridiculous. 151 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,068 Is Nick a genius? No. 152 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,069 But does he have 153 00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:38,138 average intelligence? 154 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,172 No. 155 00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:40,541 But he is 156 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,242 a human being, with a heart! 157 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:45,879 And you're afraid if I dump him, it'll throw off his game. 158 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:48,148 Robin, he got 36 points and 17 rebounds last week. 159 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,183 And that was with his shoes on the wrong feet. 160 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,652 (sighs) 161 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,523 Well, you're probably all wondering 162 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,558 how the T-Squares' practice went today. 163 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:58,992 The T-What? 164 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,094 We played up here. 165 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,864 Basketball, people don't realize, 166 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,999 is all geometry, physics and engineering. 167 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,235 If you think like an architect, 168 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:12,005 you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball. 169 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,675 What happened to your ball? 170 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,109 Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it 171 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,110 and wouldn't give it back. 172 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,045 (chuckles): Oh. 173 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:18,946 Oy. 174 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,180 Hey. 175 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,582 Hey. Hey. Oh, thanks. 176 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,551 How'd the breakup with Nick go? 177 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,085 Well... 178 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,054 So, I went to this fortune teller today 179 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,356 and she said there was a curse on me. 180 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,059 Did she sell you something to ward off the curse? 181 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,962 It's like you're a fortune teller, too. 182 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,630 (sighs) 183 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,866 Nick, um... 184 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,133 I think we need to talk. 185 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,134 Yeah. 186 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:43,403 Uh... it's just... 187 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:46,206 Whoa, these are hard. 188 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,141 Anyway, this $500 bracelet will ward off evil 189 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,043 till the end of the week, so... 190 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,445 Do you think that you could do, 191 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,614 uh, sit-ups or something while you talk? 192 00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:54,948 Yeah. 193 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:55,949 (chuckles) 194 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,951 Anyway, this fortune teller, 195 00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,921 she was able to tell me all sorts of stuff about my future, 196 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:04,391 just from my credit cards and my social security number, 197 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,594 my driver's license... 198 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,128 I knew you'd cave. 199 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,329 Which is why I came up with 200 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,064 a little extra incentive 201 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,265 to break up with Nick. 202 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:15,503 End it by 8:00 p.m. tonight or this invite goes live. 203 00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:17,304 (festive music playing over computer) 204 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,239 "Robin and Patrice's 205 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,575 BFF Fun Day?!" 206 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:24,077 NARRATOR: Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's 207 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:27,080 who'd become sort of obsessed with her. 208 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,982 Robin had managed, until now, 209 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:32,853 to keep Patrice at arm's length. 210 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,155 But if Patrice were invited to something called 211 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,791 Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day, 212 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:40,127 she'd latch onto Robin and never let go. 213 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,929 Why would you do that? 214 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:42,996 Delete that right now! 215 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,132 No! If I don't give you a little push, 216 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,935 you'll let this drag on until Nick can have sex again, 217 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,104 and then you'll be right back to procrastinating on all fours. 218 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,974 I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point. 219 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:55,709 Ugh! 220 00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,978 Fine, but the playoffs are coming up soon, 221 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,280 and I can't have this guy an emotional wreck. 222 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,116 If you do dump him, at least let him down easy. 223 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,152 Yeah, take him to a nice restaurant. 224 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,453 Preferably a dessert place. 225 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,488 That way, you won't have to sit through a whole meal 226 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,489 before you get to... 227 00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:10,958 Splitsville. Exactly. 228 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:11,992 No, Splitsville. 229 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,527 It's a dessert place right around the corner. 230 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:16,597 It's sort of the place to end a relationship. 231 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,403 Uh, Nick, listen. 232 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:26,406 You are awesome 233 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:31,011 and totally sweet, but we're just not... 234 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,412 (sighs) 235 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,548 You know where I'm going with this, right? 236 00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,984 No. No clue. 237 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,588 Okay, um... 238 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,557 I don't know if we should keep seeing each other. 239 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:46,093 You want to start turning off the lights during sex? 240 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,761 No. God, no. 241 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,563 No! No. 242 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:54,267 I am just worried that, as a couple, we're not working out. 243 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,837 You want to start going to the gym together? 244 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,338 Okay, no, Nick, here is the deal. 245 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,339 Okay... 246 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,340 (cell phone rings) 247 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,042 Sorry, babe. I got to take this. 248 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,076 Excuse me. 249 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,212 Hello. 250 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,614 Hey, what's up? 251 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,918 You... 252 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,452 What? I... 253 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:13,486 I don't understand. 254 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:15,856 But you... 255 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:16,957 Okay, um, you know what? 256 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,992 I'm sorry, I-I have to go. 257 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,896 What happened? 258 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,933 (sobs): I... 259 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:28,068 I, um... 260 00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,771 Uh, I'm sorry, I can't talk about this. 261 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,105 (sniffles) 262 00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:34,207 (exhales heavily) 263 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,208 Anyway, 264 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:38,211 what were you going to say? 265 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,981 Uh... 266 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:45,719 I was gonna say, order whatever else you want. 267 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,154 It's on me. 268 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,389 Well, thanks, but I think I'd just rather 269 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,024 eat it out of a bowl. 270 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,165 Well, no doubt you're all wondering 271 00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,900 how the T-Squares' first game went. 272 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,101 What Squares? 273 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,402 TED: Picture a well- oiled machine. 274 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,271 Your sewing machine? 275 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,273 There were two seconds left on the clock. 276 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,309 Aboubakar was all over me. 277 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,945 And that's when all my years of architectural training 278 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,647 came to my aid. 279 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:17,117 I saw the space in a way my opponents never would. 280 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,632 (buzzer sounds) 281 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:33,767 Yes! 282 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,503 I told you guys I'd make one of these! 283 00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,471 Turns out, those two points were taken away 284 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,808 because apparently the ball went "out of bounds." 285 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,009 But don't worry, 286 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,311 I'm appealing to the league office. 287 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:47,614 This Aboubakar-- I'm assuming you showered with the guy? 288 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,149 Paint me a word picture. 289 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,284 (cell phone rings) 290 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,452 Hello. 291 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,787 Lil, is Barney there? 292 00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:54,888 He's not answering his phone. 293 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,656 Mm, he's a little busy right now. 294 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:57,825 It's Robin. 295 00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,793 37... 38... 296 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,494 Put her on speaker. 39... 297 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,396 When did you start being able to do stuff like this? 298 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,065 A few months ago, you had to catch your breath 299 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,066 after making a sandwich. 300 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,735 Barney, delete the Robin 301 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,637 and Patrice's BFF Fun Day invite! 302 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,372 Did you break up with Nick yet? 303 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,907 I can't! He just got some horrible call. 304 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,976 I think a family member might have died or something. 305 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,310 Oh! Yes! Yes! 306 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,179 Yes! Yes! Yes! 307 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:22,082 I mean, good that Robin can't dump him. 308 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,717 The death part, less good. 309 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:26,053 Robin, if you dump Nick, 310 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,889 he could get mad and tear your blouse off. 311 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,824 And then he bites you on the neck, 312 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:32,592 not super hard, just on the brink 313 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,761 between pleasure and pain. 314 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,195 And then that Danish slut Nadia 315 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,997 bursts in... 316 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,900 You can't wait. His groin will heal 317 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,935 and then before you know it, you'll be marrying a man 318 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:44,537 who once ate a vanilla-scented candle! 319 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,773 That was on me. 320 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:48,441 I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen. 321 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,011 Though, it was lit. Man, he dumb. 322 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,712 The invite goes live in five minutes. 323 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:53,914 What?! 324 00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:56,049 It goes out automatically unless I stop it, 325 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,018 and that only happens if I hear you dump Nick 326 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,020 on speakerphone before then. 327 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,488 Fine. 328 00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:08,228 Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about that. 329 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:10,097 Um, listen, 330 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,799 there's something I need 331 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:12,966 to talk to you about. 332 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,136 No, Robin, I'm sorry. I'm like half here. 333 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,238 That phone call, it just... 334 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:21,108 I got some really bad news. 335 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,477 My doctor did an MRI... 336 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,179 and... 337 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:32,052 Oh... Oh, God. What, what is it? 338 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:35,155 My groin injury is worse than they thought. 339 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,090 I can't play basketball for weeks. 340 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:40,260 Thank God. I thought he was dying or something. 341 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,630 How many weeks? How many weeks?! 342 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,565 Please tell me it's not a tear 343 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,000 in the iliolumbar ligament. 344 00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:48,969 It's a tear in the "libioflumflar linament." 345 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,839 If it's a small tear, he can still make playoffs. 346 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,006 It's a big tear. 347 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,441 He better not be out for the season. 348 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,676 I'm out for the season. Damn it! 349 00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,746 They're going up against The Number Crunchers without me. 350 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,782 It's an after-work basketball league for lawyers 351 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,585 and accountants and architects who sew. 352 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:08,088 I mean, who takes it that seriously? 353 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:12,459 No...! 354 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,163 I just hate letting Coach Eriksen down. 355 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:20,968 I would follow that man through the gates of hell! 356 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,602 Winning. 357 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:26,673 What do we win when we beat those Number Crunchers 358 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,441 a few short weeks hence? 359 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,742 A game? Sure. 360 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,479 A trophy? Sort of. 361 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,948 We win a $25 gift card to Bennigan's, 362 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,284 but what is it that we really win? 363 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,485 The game! 364 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:39,987 Yes, I said that Nick. 365 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,288 Right. 366 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,456 But we also win 367 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,058 the right to walk tall. 368 00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:46,059 Oh! 369 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,728 The right to call ourselves champions. 370 00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,163 Yeah. So we are gonna 371 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,631 go out and we are 372 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,066 gonna wipe the floor with those accountants! 373 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,969 And afterwards, we will feast like kings 374 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:59,172 on Southwest Fajitas and Cajun shrimp! 375 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:03,810 And that check, that check will be marginally less expensive! 376 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,412 Yeah! Yeah! 377 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:09,016 Now, they're probably gonna have to pay full price for that meal. 378 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,483 (sighs) 379 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,554 Nick, you are so sweet, but I just... 380 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,989 Good news is 381 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,391 it doesn't really matter if it takes my groin pull 382 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,093 a little longer to heal, 383 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,030 so I may as well start having sex again. 384 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,264 Listening. 385 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:25,232 Sickening. 386 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,299 Exiting. 387 00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,739 Nick... Huh? 388 00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:34,541 I just... 389 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:37,010 Ah... I... 390 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,112 Hmm? Um... 391 00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,413 Mm-hmm? 392 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,614 Oh... 393 00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:45,452 What do you think? (moans) 394 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,554 I think I am suddenly in the mood 395 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,389 for something hot. 396 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,858 I see. Sounds like I should order some cappuccinos. 397 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,461 Don't talk till tomorrow morning. 398 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,263 She can't go home with you, Nick. 399 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,798 Barney? Why not? 400 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:02,069 Because Robin and I are in love. 401 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,277 Barney, what are you doing here? 402 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,378 Taking care of something 403 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,479 you clearly can't do on your own. 404 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:13,613 I'm sorry, 405 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,215 but you and Robin are done. 406 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,816 What? Robin, what is this? 407 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,785 Barney, look, I-I know what you're doing, okay? 408 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:20,053 Please stop. 409 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,754 Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings 410 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,090 because you're a nice guy, 411 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,257 but she thinks 412 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,625 you're stupid and she hates you. 413 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:26,626 You're welcome. 414 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:27,961 Stop doing this. 415 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,296 I love her, Nick. 416 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,797 Look, he doesn't love me. 417 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,832 He's just saying this because... 418 00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,101 I love everything about her, 419 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,935 and I'm not a guy who says that lightly. 420 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,338 I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. 421 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,007 I thought love was just something 422 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,141 idiots thought they felt, 423 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,410 but this woman has a hold on my heart 424 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,645 that I could not break if I wanted to, 425 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,280 and there have been times 426 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:48,948 that I wanted to. 427 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:53,753 It has been overwhelming and humbling 428 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:58,025 and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her 429 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,060 any more than I could stop breathing. 430 00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:05,532 I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. 431 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:09,502 More than she knows. 432 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,342 Robin, 433 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,809 is this true? 434 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,080 You heard him. 435 00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,151 (voice breaking): Oh, wow, it feels like I have 436 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:27,520 a pulled groin muscle in my heart. 437 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,322 Nick, I-I'm so sorry. 438 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,624 (sobbing) I just think that maybe... 439 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,360 (sobbing): Pardon me. 440 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:36,163 But did you just also get your heart broken? 441 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,798 Yes. (sobbing): I just got 442 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,335 my heart broken, too! 443 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,237 Well, do the... the two of you... 444 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,174 ...want to come back to my place? 445 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:50,043 Yes. Yes. Come on. 446 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:55,348 NARRATOR: Thus concluded the Autumn of Breakups, 447 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:56,983 Wow. 448 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,518 Crazy, right? LILY: Yeah, 449 00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,420 you know what would be really crazy? 450 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,854 If all of 'em 451 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:06,826 got it on-- Barney, Robin, Nick, and those two women, 452 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,529 and you just know Nadia's watching in the corner 453 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,098 with her pet snake. 454 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,999 Okay, why aren't you two having sex? 455 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,434 What? 456 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,069 Excuse me? 457 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:18,371 Lily has been slobbering over Robin's sex life 458 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:21,674 like a cartoon hobo watching a pie cool on a windowsill, 459 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,076 and you-- 460 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:25,545 the only other time you've ever exercised this seriously 461 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,614 was when Lily had mono freshman year 462 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,048 and I caught you doing one-armed push-ups 463 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,284 with your genitals over a bowl of ice. 464 00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:32,452 So, when did 465 00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:35,054 you stop doing it and why? 466 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,024 It was, you know, 467 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,893 before Marvin was born. 468 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,395 What? Th-That's insane. 469 00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,931 Well, you have to wait a while after having a kid, 470 00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:47,967 and, and then you're exhausted from being up all night. 471 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,671 And then this uncanny phenomenon began. 472 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,876 (Marvin crying over monitor) 473 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,911 (crying stops) 474 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,949 (crying resumes) 475 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,984 (crying stops) 476 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:09,622 (staccato crying) 477 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:14,461 Wow, 478 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,129 you guys got to fix this. 479 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:17,964 It's not that easy. 480 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:20,133 (Marvin crying) 481 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,135 Ted, having a kid 482 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,736 changes things. 483 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:27,940 You don't have the time or energy, you're never alone. 484 00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,076 Come here. 485 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,078 What are you doing? 486 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,580 Taking Marvin for a walk 487 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,982 so you guys can have some privacy. 488 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,117 Oh, Ted, come on, 489 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:39,952 that's, that's just not the way that it works. 490 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,155 Yeah, it's not like we can have sex on cue. 491 00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:44,157 Yeah, I'll give you guys plenty of time. 492 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,692 Maybe I'll even 493 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,294 swing by the gym, show Marvin 494 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,196 where his Uncle Ted made "the shot." 495 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,930 If I'm late, 496 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,999 it's 'cause I've been delayed by autograph seekers. 497 00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:57,103 Oh, forgot Marvin's diaper bag. 498 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,104 Yowza! 499 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,273 Okay. 500 00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:03,142 And the Oscar for Best Fake Romantic Speech 501 00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:05,144 goes to Barney Stinson. 502 00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,947 I'd like to thank all the ladies over the years 503 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,016 with whom I've practiced fake romantic speeches 504 00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,684 and, of course, Robin Scherbatsky 505 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,853 for being so hypnotized by hog 506 00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,722 that she needed me to come and save her. 507 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,024 You know what? I didn't need your help. 508 00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:21,961 You were this close to ripping off his misbuttoned shirt 509 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,365 and pulling down his inside-out underpants. 510 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,668 I'll give you this, you were pretty convincing. 511 00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:31,304 Hey, tricking good-looking idiots is kind of my thing. 512 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,340 No. (chuckles) 513 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:38,245 I mean, you were really convincing. 514 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,549 Please. 515 00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,016 I was bro-ing you out. 516 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:46,185 I'm just glad he bought it so quick. 517 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:50,523 Any longer, I'd have had to kiss you. 518 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,228 (phone rings) 519 00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:57,430 (sighs) 520 00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:58,831 Hello. 521 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,667 PATRICE: Whoo, oh, my God, Robin, BFF Fun Day! 522 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,101 That's the most amazing thing ever. 523 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,037 Like, you totally read my mind... Hey, Patrice. 524 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,407 Oh, you got the invite, great. 525 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,409 Uh, yeah, uh, let me call you back. 526 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,011 This is so fantastic, I can't even catch my breath. Mm-hmm, yeah. 527 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,247 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 528 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:15,748 You know what I forgot to do? 529 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,684 ("Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder playing) 530 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:22,389 * Like a fool, I went and stayed too long * 531 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:25,191 * Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong * 532 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:28,261 * Ooh, baby, here I am 533 00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:32,098 * Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours. * 534 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,570 Hey, T-Squares. 535 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,572 Well, bad news. 536 00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,574 Heard back from the league office. 537 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,377 My shot is not going to count. 538 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,646 But onwards and upwards, right? (chuckles) 539 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,080 What do you cats want 540 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:49,782 to rap about, huh? 541 00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:52,619 Listen, Coach... you're great. 542 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:56,323 And we all really want to stay friends. 543 00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:01,227 I can change, I can... 544 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,995 Come on, we, we had some good times. 545 00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:07,066 Things have been weird lately and... 546 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,102 Is there another architect? Just tell me.