1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,071 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, it's no secret... 2 00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:04,705 your Uncle Barney is a bit of a dog. 3 00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,040 And even though he loved me, 4 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:10,078 I think he always wanted a wingman who was a bit of a dog too. 5 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,113 [ Chuckles ] 6 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:18,519 And in the fall of 2012, 7 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,390 he found one. 8 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,724 Respect. 9 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,359 [ Barks ] 10 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,633 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 11 00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,204 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 12 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,976 ** [ Ends ] 13 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:47,515 Hey, guys, thanks again for a great night last night. 14 00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:51,119 I say again, great night. 15 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,754 Ted, honey, 16 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,689 it was not a great night. 17 00:00:55,756 --> 00:01:00,094 Ted, Lily and I noticed some things last night. 18 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,396 Hey, Ted, can you pass me a cracker? Yeah. 19 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,764 It's the least you can do... 20 00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,599 considering I left a guy at the altar for you. 21 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,435 [ Hoarse Laughter ] Right? Right? 22 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:12,273 Oh, come on. That was a joke. 23 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:16,177 Women over 30 don't joke when it comes to commitment. 24 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,612 Victoria is happy we're taking things slow. 25 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,013 [ Both Laugh ] 26 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,216 Oh, oh. Honey, sweetie, baby. 27 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:25,886 No 32-year-old woman is happy taking things slow. 28 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,288 Mmm. Trust me. 29 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:29,190 Victoria's got friends from high school... 30 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,058 posting pictures of second babies on Facebook. 31 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,161 - [ Lily ] Mm-hmm. - And you think girlfriend's all, like, 32 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,628 "Oh, let's just bone a bunch... 33 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,764 so I'm another year older and still single." 34 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,566 Bitch, please. Mmm. 35 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,736 Guys, I've got a new bro, 36 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,739 a bro that puts all other bros to shame. 37 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:48,909 The bitches love him. [ Growling Laugh ] 38 00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:51,645 He buries bones all day. [ Laughs ] 39 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:56,450 No one chases tail like him. Ow! 40 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,487 Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh. Wait. 41 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,455 I probably should've led with this. He's a dog. 42 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:06,160 I've named him Brover. 43 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,829 I'll go-- Aah-- fetch him. 44 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,464 [ Laughs ] 45 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,900 Okay, I'm worried about Barney. 46 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,704 That breakup with Quinn messed him up more than he let on. 47 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,339 I think he's lonely. 48 00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:21,074 That dude seems fine to me. 49 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,177 I love you so much, Brover. 50 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,479 [ Laughing ] 51 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,150 Seriously, based on last night, 52 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,953 you and Victoria are headed for trouble. 53 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:37,525 So I got this kind of interesting job offer to run a bakery in Denver. 54 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,861 That's too crazy though, right? Right? 55 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,330 Uh, yeah. 56 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,632 The high altitude would affect the density of the pastries. 57 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,335 I mean, talk about half-baked. 58 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,638 [ Laughs ] Man, this is a great night. 59 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:55,075 That was Victoria asking you to move to Denver with her. 60 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:58,746 What? Then why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants? 61 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,180 Men. 62 00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:02,450 It's like if there weren't pickle jars to open... 63 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,253 and spiders to kill and computers to back up, 64 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:07,255 what would be their point? Mm-hmm. 65 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,790 [ Snapping Fingers ] 66 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:13,126 Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you? 67 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,429 Look, Ted, it gets exhausting... 68 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,965 constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for. 69 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,268 - So I'm training Marshall. - [ Marshall ] Mm-hmm. 70 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:25,172 My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise... 71 00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:28,141 that there is no possible response... 72 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:32,012 other than "mmm" or "mm-hmm." 73 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,249 And if this is a place where we can share our dreams-- I like to think that it is-- 74 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:39,086 I hope someday to earn a... 75 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,521 "testify." 76 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,256 Ooh. 77 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,091 Look, Victoria and I are five months in, 78 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,493 and we're right where we should be. 79 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,595 All right? We're co-signing birthday cards. 80 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,797 We got toothbrushes at each other's places. 81 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:53,501 Foreplay is out the window. I'm in, I'm out. I'm sleeping. It's great. 82 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,168 It's more than five months. 83 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,971 You guys dated before. That time counts. 84 00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,907 The clock doesn't reset to zero. 85 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,743 It un-pauses from where you left off. Mm-hmm. 86 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,212 No way. No way. The clock resets. 87 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,080 [ Both Laugh ] Ohh. 88 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,650 So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner... 89 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,352 to judge them and feel superior? 90 00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,253 Oh, grow up, Ted. 91 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,989 That's why any couple invites anyone over ever. 92 00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:20,227 Two scotches, both neat. 93 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:23,364 And if you've got some, uh, nuts, this guy lost a couple. 94 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:26,634 Aha! Take the hint. Just take the hint. 95 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,537 Okay, this is a cry for help. 96 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,205 Can we invite Barney over for dinner tonight? 97 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,874 But I was gonna make you a special meal... 98 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,077 to celebrate my show getting nominated for a local area media award. 99 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,981 [ Ted Narrating ] Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention Nick had a cable-access cooking show. 100 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,451 [ Female Announcer ] Chef Nick Padarutti uses... 101 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,920 all fresh, locally grown ingredients. 102 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:51,925 But don't think for a second that means he's not a bad boy. 103 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,927 She runs on corn. 104 00:04:56,430 --> 00:05:03,737 * Nick, the Bad Boy Chef * 105 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,274 I'm gonna invite him over for dinner. Okay, fine. 106 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:10,310 But you better make sure he has a ticket, 107 00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:14,648 'cause it's all aboard the chow-chow train. 108 00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,718 Honey, I know it's hard... 109 00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:20,120 coming up with a signature cooking catchphrase, 110 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,423 but I don't think that's it. 111 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:25,225 I know. But how do you compete with "bam"? 112 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,860 It just says it all. 113 00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:31,532 Hey, you. Hey. 114 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,501 Can I ask you something? Yeah. 115 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:38,305 Um, Lily and Marshall think I'm missing all these hints you're dropping... 116 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:40,474 that you want a deeper commitment. 117 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,876 You'd just come right out and tell me, right? 118 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:46,414 Totally. I think I can be a little bit more direct than that. 119 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,081 Thank you. 120 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,551 Oh, hey. 121 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:54,855 I was cleaning my apartment today, and I dug this up. 122 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,491 Should I keep this wedding dress, 123 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,461 or do you think I'll never, ever need it again? 124 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,569 So Lily and Marshall were right? Of course they're right. 125 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,871 When a girl jumps in your car in a wedding dress, 126 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,106 you can't act surprised to find out she wants to get married. 127 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:16,176 Besides, we dated before, and that time counts. 128 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,078 We just hit "pause" on the clock. 129 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:20,914 See, a lot of really smart people would argue the clock resets. 130 00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,216 It un-pauses. Everybody knows that. 131 00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:25,819 You know, Barney's a little late. I hope he's okay. 132 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,422 Ah, he's fine. And I still don't think he's crying out for help. 133 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,858 Well-- [ Knocking ] 134 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,094 [ Sighs ] 135 00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,831 Sorry we're late. We just came from the tailor. 136 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,300 Brover couldn't settle on a tie, so I just bought them all. 137 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:41,902 You say no to that face. 138 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,037 [ Laughs ] 139 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:51,011 There's a reason that you're not a hundred percent in this with me, Ted. 140 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:54,114 - Something's holding us back. - Well, what is it? 141 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:58,051 I think we've established I'm not great at picking up on clues. 142 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,620 Well, in this situation. 143 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,956 As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. 144 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,192 In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, 145 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,528 the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was-- 146 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,497 The retainer was in the garbage. 147 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,565 The Mosby Boys were you, your sister... 148 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,934 and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed. 149 00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,870 I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that. 150 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,806 Eight weeks of training down the drain. 151 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,774 You know how I know that, Ted? 152 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,943 Because we covered it in the getting-to-know-you part... 153 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,045 of the relationship six years ago. 154 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,048 Six years. 155 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,787 Then... what's holding us back? 156 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,991 Call in the Mosby Boys, Ted. 157 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,694 Let me know if they crack the case. 158 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,500 Guys, 159 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:50,137 Brover is not only the best bro I've ever had. 160 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,673 He's amazing with the ladies. 161 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:56,343 I'm sorry. Don't you think it's a little pathetic to use a dog to pick up chicks? 162 00:07:56,409 --> 00:08:00,047 Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street. 163 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,915 If Brover meets a cutie, 164 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:06,554 I'll take the hit and chat up the chubby lady friend. 165 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,492 [ Snarling ] Sometimes I'll be the jerk. 166 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,496 - [ Barks ] - So Brover can swoop in and be the hero. 167 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,032 And like any good wingman, 168 00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:21,835 I gather as much intel as I can right up front. 169 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,704 How old is your dog? She's five. 170 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,305 Oh. 171 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,541 What's that in dog years? Like 35. 172 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,976 We're done here. 173 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,647 Well, you were right. Victoria says something's holding us back, 174 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,783 and I don't have any idea what it is. 175 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,517 Any brilliant insights, Oprah? 176 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,819 Stedman? 177 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,854 Um, try Gayle. [ Scoffs ] 178 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:46,459 Marshall, I want you to take this one. You're ready. 179 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,161 Oh. I don't know. 180 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:54,434 Oh, I do hear this little voice in the back of my head trying to tell me something. 181 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,237 [ Gasps ] That's your inner goddess. 182 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,907 Listen to her. Channel her. 183 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:03,243 [ Southern Accent ] If Victoria quenches your thirst... 184 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:08,048 like a tall glass of sweet tea on a hot July day-- 185 00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,250 - Marshall, why is she Southern? - Don't let him break the connection. 186 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:13,086 Well, you got to make an honest woman out of her. 187 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,156 Okay, I'm leaving. But-- But... 188 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,325 if not, 189 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,861 well, then, sugar, 190 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:25,565 you got to let that nightingale spread her wings... 191 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:30,537 and soar to her own beautiful tomorrow. 192 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,640 Testify. 193 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,776 You guys are the worst. 194 00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:39,913 [ Door Closes ] 195 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,285 Where am I? 196 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:49,122 [ Cell Phone Rings ] Sorry. 197 00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,692 Go for Barney. 198 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,194 Uh-huh. 199 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,664 I see. 200 00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,232 Totally understood. 201 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,302 I'll do that. 202 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,637 Great. 203 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,372 Thank you. 204 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,607 That was Brover's owner. 205 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:11,244 I guess while she was out of town, he ran away from his kennel. 206 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:14,447 And now that she's back, I have to return him. 207 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:17,117 - Mmm. - Barney, I'm so sorry. 208 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,585 Oh, it's all good. 209 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,954 Um, excuse me for one moment. 210 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,000 [ Robin, Nick Whispering, Indistinct ] 211 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,735 [ Robin ] I don't know. 212 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,670 [ Sirens Blaring ] [ Robin ] Hey! 213 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,071 Barney! You-- 214 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:42,142 [ Sobbing ] No! No! 215 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,414 Oh! 216 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,251 Wha-- 217 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:55,122 Victoria. 218 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,761 Will you marry me? 219 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,396 Yes! Of course. 220 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:11,739 There's just one thing. Anything. You name it. 221 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,942 You can't be friends with Robin. 222 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,951 You won't marry me if I'm still friends with Robin? 223 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,120 Wait. She's the thing that's been holding us back? 224 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,556 There's just too much history there. 225 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:32,625 I mean, Robin's the reason that we broke up the first time around. 226 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,294 Robin's our roadblock. 227 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:38,966 Robin's the deep, dark pit where our relationship goes to die. 228 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,501 But nicest girl in the world, salt of the earth. 229 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,236 But she's with Nick now. 230 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:46,974 I mean, sure, his cooking show is lousy with awkward catchphrase attempts. 231 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,543 Oh, my gosh! Who's ready to nosh? 232 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,612 Who's poppin' a chub for some grub? 233 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,314 [ Audience Members Gasp ] 234 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,150 I offer my deepest apologies... 235 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,253 to anyone who was offended by my "poppin' a chub" remark. 236 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,256 I can and will do better. Won't happen again. 237 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:06,159 And now, who's ready to eat my meat? 238 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,095 [ Audience Members Gasp ] Oh, come on. 239 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,264 But Robin's happy with Nick, 240 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,366 and I'm happy with you. 241 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,569 Look, I-- I just asked you to be my wife. 242 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,572 Isn't that proof there's nothing between me and Robin? 243 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:22,876 Well, maybe today there isn't, but what about tomorrow? 244 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,545 Or next week? Or 15 years from now? 245 00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:28,148 I'll always be wondering. 246 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:32,052 I never wanted to be that girl who says, 247 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,221 "It's Robin or it's me." 248 00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:37,090 But, well-- 249 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,827 It's Robin or it's you. 250 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,997 You've been a hell of a wingman. 251 00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:49,069 And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, 252 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:52,105 don't ever think that means I'm not impressed. 253 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,845 Hey, do you think that Barney's gonna be okay bringing Brover back? 254 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,446 Yeah, he'll be fine. 255 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,216 It's not just the ability to go to town on yourself, 256 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,386 but you do it with such joie de vivre. 257 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,123 I really think that I should go with him. 258 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,026 No, but you gotta eat these crepes as soon as they're flambéed. 259 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,863 They're gonna be... bon appé-sweet! 260 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,497 No. Damn. 261 00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,967 We'll work on it when I get back. No, I get it. 262 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,801 You know, I only spent all night working on these. 263 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,470 But hey, Barney's more important. 264 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,873 Nick-- It's fine. Go. 265 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,076 Anyway, let's not make a big deal of it. 266 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,545 We hung out for a few days, had some fun. 267 00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,314 No big woof. 268 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,149 [ Barks ] 269 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:39,419 I don't know who I am without you! [ Sobbing ] 270 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,256 This is crazy. 271 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,459 Victoria is being completely unreasonable about Robin. 272 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,897 And my snap sister is gonna back me up. [ Snaps Fingers ] 273 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,566 I say again-- [ Snaps Fingers ] 274 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,704 I kind of see Victoria's point. 275 00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:01,708 - Come again for Miss Fudge? - Ted and Robin have so much history. 276 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:04,644 Exactly. History. Ancient history. 277 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:08,148 Ted, you said "I love you" to her earlier this year. 278 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:12,219 I'm not saying this is fair, but... I get it. 279 00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:15,488 I didn't get that at all. 280 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:18,191 How could my inner goddess be so far off? 281 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,594 Oh, you'll get there, honey. Oprah wasn't built in a day. 282 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,664 Uh-oh. 283 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:28,568 - What? - I kind of went rogue. 284 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:32,839 Look, if you really wanna have a baby, just stop taking the pill. 285 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:36,109 You guys slept together at spring break three years ago. 286 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:39,046 That means something. 287 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:42,215 Loves show tunes, total shopaholic, 288 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,217 not always pestering you for sex. 289 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:46,987 Um, Clifford sounds like a keeper. 290 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:51,124 Marshall, all of that advice was terrible. 291 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:54,327 Not as terrible as you saying that Ted and Robin should stop being friends. 292 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,297 I'm not saying they should. It would be horrible. 293 00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:01,068 But if Ted really wants to be with Victoria-- 294 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:06,406 Ted, tell her that you're not gonna stop being friends with Robin. 295 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,175 [ Sighs ] 296 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,510 I can't imagine life without Robin. 297 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,846 But she'll never be in love with me. 298 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,549 She'll never be my wife. 299 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:20,153 She'll never be the person I grow old with. 300 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,690 Victoria-- 301 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,358 Victoria could be. 302 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,462 Are you saying what I think you're saying? 303 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,239 [ Sighs ] 304 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,374 You ready to say good-bye? 305 00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,512 Thanks for coming with me. 306 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:49,282 Aw, well, you did the same for me back when I had to give away all my dogs. 307 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:50,117 Remember? 308 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,818 Oh, yeah. Mmm. 309 00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:53,653 We drove to your aunt's farm upstate. 310 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,588 She was awesome. Yeah. 311 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:59,126 I love how she was this wise, old, chilled-out, lesbian farmer. 312 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,761 Wha-- No, no, no. She's not a lesbian. 313 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,531 Nor does she farm them. No. 314 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,833 That woman she lives with, that's just her special friend, Maureen. 315 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,568 They've lived together for-- 316 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,338 Oh. 317 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,509 [ Inhales ] Oh, this is gonna be tough. 318 00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,246 Brover really was the best wingman ever. 319 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,188 [ Gasps ] Oh, my God. 320 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,391 Thank you so much for bringing Mr. Sprinkles back. 321 00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,026 Mr. Sprinkles? 322 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,128 Is a great name for a dog. 323 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:38,398 Mommy missed you so much. Yes, she did. 324 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:41,334 Did this nice couple take care of you? 325 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,237 [ Both ] Oh, uh-- 326 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:48,007 [ Deep Voice ] That's a laugh. Ha! Ha-ha-ha. Big bro. Ah! 327 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,876 I gotta split, yeah. 328 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:52,145 I gotta-- I gotta head back to the farm, 329 00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:55,182 uh, where I live with my special friend, Maureen. 330 00:16:55,248 --> 00:17:00,353 Yeah. Whom I now realize is my lesbian life partner. 331 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,921 Surprise. 332 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:04,357 Okay. All right. 333 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:07,727 So, would you like a drink? 334 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:14,101 Best wingman ever. 335 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,574 Hey. 336 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:24,744 What's all this? I thought you were mad at me. 337 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:27,480 I was. But then I realized... 338 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,183 I just have to accept that you have close guy friends. 339 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,784 I mean, I don't want it becoming a habit... 340 00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:34,321 that they steal you away from me in the middle of the night. 341 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,888 But-- 342 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,424 [ Cell Phone Chirps ] Oh. Sorry. 343 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,793 Oh, Ted needs to see me. 344 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,929 Oh, for the love of God, woman. Oh, it's not what you think. 345 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,232 He just wants to have sex. 346 00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,600 [ Laughs ] Kidding. 347 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,803 Just a little hand stuff. Whoop. Kidding again. 348 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,973 Ted's more of a boob man. I seriously can't stop. 349 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:59,078 What does he want? Um-- Uh, I don't know, but he says it's urgent. 350 00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:00,947 I'm so sorry. 351 00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:03,583 Just one more little steal-away. 352 00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:05,618 Just as long as he gives you back. 353 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,154 Mmm. 354 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,655 Thanks. 355 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,824 ** [ R & B ] 356 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,705 [ Man ] * I wanna sit you down and talk * 357 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:29,742 ** [ Continues, Indistinct ] So, are you okay? 358 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:33,480 What is this big, urgent thing that couldn't wait till tomorrow? 359 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,814 [ Sighs ] 360 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,917 There's something I have to tell you. 361 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,921 Um-- I've thought about this a ton, 362 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,590 and, um, 363 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:47,760 I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. 364 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,128 But-- 365 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,568 I'm not in love with Robin. 366 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,404 Um-- 367 00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,907 But she's like family to me, and, uh, 368 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,775 I can't end that. 369 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,377 So... 370 00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,347 can you accept that? 371 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:12,919 * Low rising, oh * 372 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:16,556 * For the love of you ** 373 00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:19,526 I really hope you get her someday. 374 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,644 Hey, guys. Hey. 375 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:41,914 So... last night, Ted calls me out to the bar... 376 00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:44,351 to talk about something urgent. 377 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:45,952 Guess what it was. 378 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:50,823 He wants to write a series of young-adult mystery novels... 379 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,526 called The Mosby Boys. 380 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:55,562 Why did you need to tell me that? 381 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,897 You work in the media. You know people. 382 00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,132 Okay, well, first of all, lose the Mosby nerds... 383 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,101 and focus on that crime-solving squirrel. 384 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,703 That guy is gold. 385 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,172 And secondly, next time you have a big idea late at night, 386 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,174 please bug your girlfriend about it. 387 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:11,744 Uh, actually, Victoria and I broke up. 388 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,146 Oh, my God. 389 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,015 Why? What-- What happened? 390 00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:19,852 We just-- [ Clears Throat ] you know, wanted different things. 391 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,156 I'm so sorry, buddy. 392 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,293 But bright side-- 393 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,561 Robin is gonna be so touched... 394 00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:31,163 when she hears you ended things with Victoria because of her. 395 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,765 She can never know. 396 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,468 Promise me Robin will never find out. 397 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,870 - I don't understand. - Promise. 398 00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,707 [ Together ] Promise. 399 00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,976 [ Ted Narrating ] Of course Robin did find out. 400 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,479 But we'll get to that. 401 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,861 - [ Hoarse Laughter ] - [ Barking ] 402 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,664 So you do have balls! 403 00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:06,666 [ Barking ] 404 00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:08,368 Run!