1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:03,637 NARRATOR: Kids, once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,073 found a nanny for baby Marvin, 3 00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:06,374 they were excited 4 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,976 for their first night out together in five months. 5 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,178 And so were we. 6 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,180 (all cheer) Mama. 7 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,048 Dada. 8 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:15,349 Hi, gang. 9 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:16,384 Ooh. 10 00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:18,719 Ah, so, now that there's no 11 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,588 screaming baby to distract us, 12 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,056 what have you guys been up to lately? Yeah. 13 00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:25,025 NARRATOR: This was a surprisingly loaded question. 14 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,927 You see, right after Marvin was born, 15 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,064 Lily and Marshall had issued a decree. 16 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:34,001 New rule: you can't come to us with any issue 17 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,170 unless it's an eight or higher. 18 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,339 And we were doing our best to abide. 19 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,340 MARSHALL: Ted, how are things 20 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,741 going with Victoria? 21 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:43,944 My dad made the funniest joke. 22 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:47,014 He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding, 23 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,517 you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, 24 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,951 or else. 25 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,953 (laughs) 26 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:56,890 You know, he's not usually funny like that. 27 00:00:56,924 --> 00:01:00,027 Not promising, but not an eight. 28 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,630 Everything's great. 29 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,898 And Robin, how's everything with Nick? 30 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,136 Finally ready for a ride on the bike? 31 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:09,170 Who? Me? 32 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,573 Let's ride, Big Daddy. 33 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:16,977 Oh, yeah. 34 00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:22,216 Mama likey. 35 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:26,220 * 36 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,789 Robin, over here. Ooh. 37 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:32,226 Eco-friendly. 38 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,162 She runs on corn. 39 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:39,233 ROBIN: Totally lady bone killer, but not an eight. 40 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,769 Everything's great. 41 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,805 And how are things for the old Barnacle? 42 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,643 (both panting) 43 00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:50,978 BARNEY: Not an eight. 44 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:53,147 At best, she was a six, six and a half. 45 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,249 More like a four by the time I was done with her. 46 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,451 Mental self-five. (hands smack) 47 00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:58,986 Everything's great. 48 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,824 To long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily. 49 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,193 (all cheer) 50 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,927 ALL: Mmm. 51 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,762 I've missed this. Okay. We got to go. 52 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,130 W-what? You just got here. 53 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,132 I cleared my whole night for you guys. 54 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,835 I didn't even bring my booty-call phone. 55 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,437 Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really 56 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,038 need some time to ourselves. 57 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,840 I promise we'll hang out soon. 58 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,843 See you guys. Bye. 59 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,678 * Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere * 60 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,147 * Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere * 61 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:28,616 * Booty, booty, booty, booty 62 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,984 Yeah, like I'm going to leave this at home. 63 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,986 Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis? 64 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,455 TED: Oh, geez. 65 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:37,958 It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. 66 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,327 You smell that? Ooh. 67 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,295 That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's. 68 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,331 Oh, God, I miss that smell. 69 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,199 You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time 70 00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:48,135 worrying about Marvin, but it's actually nice to be out 71 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,537 in the world, living life. 72 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,671 Yeah. 73 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:51,672 (car tires screech) 74 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,642 (both scream) 75 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:58,346 Death is all around us. 76 00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:01,014 Wow, that urine smell just got a lot stronger. 77 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,064 So, you guys spent 78 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,366 your first night out in five months, 79 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,268 sitting at home planning for your own deaths? 80 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:23,371 Yeah, we found this Web site that helps you make a will. 81 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,373 In the event of your death... Ooh! 82 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:27,241 I'm sorry. 83 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:29,843 It-it's just-just real sad to think about. 84 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,044 Oh, I know. 85 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,112 All right. 86 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,947 In the event of your death... (sobs) 87 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,749 Okay, no, you know what? 88 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:36,950 Let's just start with something easy. 89 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,085 Okay. Okay? 90 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,253 Please enter your zip code. 91 00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:43,657 (sobbing): We'll never get mail again. 92 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,128 I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical. 93 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:51,565 Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe. 94 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:54,902 Please, faulty elevators, exploding man hole covers, 95 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,437 jealous husbands. Mmm. 96 00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,971 This place is a coroner's paradise. 97 00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,239 Ooh! 98 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:02,276 They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong. 99 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,111 There was a double hommy on your block like a week ago. 100 00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:05,979 Caught it on the scanner during lunch. 101 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,315 Knife job. 102 00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,249 Guy made a real mess of it too. 103 00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:10,984 (sobbing) 104 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,053 Anyway, 105 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,056 then we got to the section about picking a guardian. 106 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:19,226 Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian. 107 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,128 That makes it simple. 108 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,396 My mom. 109 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,931 Your mom? 110 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,466 What's wrong with my mom? 111 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,567 Are you... 112 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,838 (rapid gibberish) 113 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,473 Fine. All right. 114 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:35,175 Marvin won't go to my loving mother. 115 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,444 But he's got to go to somebody. 116 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,945 Fine. 117 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,179 What about my mom? 118 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,681 (scoffs) Your mom? 119 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,982 Um, excuse... 120 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:50,791 Fine. 121 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,026 Not my mom. 122 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,027 What about my dad? 123 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,463 Your dad? 124 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,097 Okay, yeah, he's out. 125 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,500 Wait a minute. You know who could be good? 126 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,001 My brother Marcus. 127 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,003 He's like a great dad. 128 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,271 Do you remember his Christmas card? 129 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,541 (Christmas music playing) 130 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:11,779 Questionable denim choices aside, Marcus is a good dad. 131 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:15,115 I guess if Marvin has to go to anyone, it should be family. 132 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,050 Okay, great. 133 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,285 Okay. 134 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,153 Marcus, hey, how's it going? 135 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,723 Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe. 136 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:26,527 I packed up all my crap; I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids; 137 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,462 and I finally got my dream job 138 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,699 as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2. 139 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,033 (sighs) Hold on. 140 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:36,003 Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong. 141 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,337 Hey! 142 00:05:37,371 --> 00:05:41,542 (Jamaican accent) You be packin' that bowl too tight, mon. 143 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,813 So, now we don't have a guardian. 144 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,081 You know, as your best friend, 145 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:51,184 if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin. 146 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,854 If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, 147 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:54,922 Ted's your guy. 148 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,023 If you want him pulling the chord 149 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,491 on some other nerd's panties, 150 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:58,692 (clicks tongue) I'm your guy. 151 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:00,861 I'll teach that kid how to be awesome 152 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,696 in ways you and Lily never could. 153 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,732 It's going to be legend... 154 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:05,933 ...wait for it, no, I won't wait for it 155 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,367 and neither should little baby Marvin, 156 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:08,736 so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... 157 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,404 ...dary. 158 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:15,576 NARRATOR: And so began the longest week of Lily and Marshall's lives. 159 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,044 Huh? 160 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,379 Huh? 161 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:27,755 * Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro * 162 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,123 * And on that farm he had some chicks * 163 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,059 * E-I-E-I-bro 164 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,994 * With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there... * 165 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,999 Huh? Huh? 166 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,972 * Bro, bro, bro your broat 167 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,240 * Gently to the bar 168 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,177 * Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and... * 169 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:57,618 Huh? Huh? 170 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,322 Aah! 171 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,929 * The boobs on the bus go up and down * 172 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,064 * Up and down, up and down 173 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:14,334 * The boobs on the bus go up and down * 174 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,009 * All through the town. 175 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,145 ROBIN: What? 176 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:27,080 You think you can bribe them with a stroller? 177 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,682 They already got one, foo. 178 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:31,184 Oh, this is no stroller, Robin. 179 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,086 I call it the Broller. 180 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,121 Go ahead. Look inside. 181 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,525 (sighs) 182 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,859 I don't get it. I don't see anything. 183 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,961 Yeah, but Papa does. 184 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:46,299 Those Robin's boobies? 185 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,102 When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, 186 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,705 you can inspect their bundles of joy. 187 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:53,340 The Broller. 188 00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:55,142 God, I come up with a lot of good stuff. 189 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,443 Hey, guys, hey... 190 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,477 Hey. 191 00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,212 Lily and I need you to come upstairs. 192 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,948 This is an important decision 193 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,950 and we can't have you constantly interrupting us 194 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,052 with this childish competition. 195 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,988 Which is why we're going to make it 196 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,991 an official competition! 197 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,160 We're going to play Who Wants to Be a Godparent? 198 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,896 Right after this word from our sponsors. 199 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,100 Why is he talking to the wall? 200 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,741 Wait, this is how you're going to choose a guardian for Marvin? 201 00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,142 I mean, why don't you just put us 202 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,845 in a three-way cage match and go with whoever's left standing? 203 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:35,182 We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage. 204 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,017 MARSHALL: Yeah, you see, guys, we were 205 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,086 really struggling with this decision. 206 00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:41,121 * All through the town. 207 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,192 Babe, I know these guys have been 208 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,394 a little over the top lately. LILY: A little? 209 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,565 But we still have to pick a guardian just in case. 210 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:52,700 In case of what? 211 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,101 Don't make me say it. 212 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,569 Say it. I can handle it. 213 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:56,570 Say it. 214 00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,606 In case we die. 215 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:01,341 (sobbing) 216 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,845 How can you even say it? 217 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,179 MARSHALL: And then I thought what do you do 218 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,048 if you got a wife who won't stop crying, 219 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:11,018 three idiots who won't stop bribing you, 220 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:14,387 and a universally beloved skill for gamesmanship? 221 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,556 You take a bunch of guardianship scenarios, 222 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,726 throw them on a wheel, buy your wife an expensive dress 223 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:19,760 so she'll participate. 224 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,261 I'm pretty again. 225 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,030 Bottom line is I just wanted 226 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,232 to make the idea of me and Lily dying... 227 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,900 fun. Oh. 228 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,869 Now, if you'll step behind your podiums, we'll get started. 229 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,570 (game show music plays) 230 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,773 (clears throat) 231 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:33,774 Contestants, 232 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,042 here's how the game works. 233 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,244 Lily will spin that wheel. Not yet. 234 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,079 When it lands on a parenting issue, 235 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:43,116 you'll each describe how you would handle it with Marvin. 236 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,885 The contestant with the highest score gets to be 237 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,953 his godparent. 238 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,821 Ready to play? Great. Lily, 239 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,657 spin that wheel! 240 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:53,126 (music stops) 241 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,630 Okay, now, see, um, enthusiasm will factor into your scores. 242 00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:57,898 So, I say again: 243 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,499 Lily, spin... 244 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,068 ALL: Spin that wheel! 245 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:04,805 * 246 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,676 MARSHALL: Ooh. 247 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:09,843 Our demise. 248 00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,078 (sobs) (clears throat) 249 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,113 Barney, how would you 250 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:17,584 explain to little Marvin why we're not around anymore? 251 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,987 No. 252 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,690 Easy, all I'd have to do is change a few words 253 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:25,025 to one of my classics with the ladies. 254 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,995 The President of the World has called your parents away 255 00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,997 on a super-secret space mission. 256 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:33,701 For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again. 257 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,036 Now pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy. 258 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,271 What do you know? That last line stays the same. 259 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,372 Judges? 260 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:39,973 (blows raspberry) 261 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,009 MARSHALL: Okay, Robin, 262 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,777 what would you do, and remember, 263 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,512 "President of the World called parents away 264 00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:48,381 for a super-secret space mission" has already been taken. 265 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:51,518 Well, my dad was always upfront and honest with me, 266 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,386 so that's how I would be. 267 00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:56,356 All right, kid, here's the deal with the deal. 268 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,691 Your mom and dad are done-ski. 269 00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:59,192 Belly-flopped off a subway platform. 270 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,962 Mom busted open like a piñata. 271 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,664 What was left of your dad hung around for a few days. 272 00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,133 Anyway, plug's pulled. Organs donated. 273 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,136 Long story short: I'm your new mommy now. (chuckles) 274 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,971 Sah-wish! 275 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,139 (sobbing) 276 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:16,243 Well, I was saving these for the showcase, 277 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:19,146 but here. Hey, Lily, look, baby, 278 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,547 his-and-her watches. 279 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,016 Ooh. 280 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:26,253 (clears throat) Ted, the category's all yours. 281 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,321 Okay, here's what I would say. 282 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:31,691 Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are 283 00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:32,993 isn't gonna be easy. 284 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:37,497 Even I-- Lily and Marshall's best friend 285 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:41,101 for almost 20 years-- 286 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:44,571 will have a hard time doing it. 287 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,376 But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing. 288 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,780 Professor Infosaurus! 289 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,282 (high voice): Hey, there, squirt! 290 00:11:55,315 --> 00:12:00,720 Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty. 291 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:03,190 Good enough! Ted wins the round! 292 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,025 Yes! Yes! You'll see. 293 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:08,061 Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children. 294 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:12,065 Isn't that right, kids? 295 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,770 Moving on. 296 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,774 "Discipline." 297 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:23,276 "How would you handle Marvin 298 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:26,947 taking another kid's toy?" Barney? 299 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,515 (scoffs) That's easy. 300 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,620 Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm calling Child Services. 301 00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,388 Wait for it. 302 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:39,059 I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt 303 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,994 when you return that toy. 304 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:44,097 Until then, you can wear this disgusting 305 00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,232 (gasps) 306 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:48,135 black-and-brown reversible belt. 307 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,670 (sobbing) 308 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:55,008 (sobbing): Hey, I don't like it any more than you do! 309 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:58,078 Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin? 310 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,347 I would be firm. 311 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,983 Fair, but firm. 312 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:06,119 You, sir, just lost your television privileges. 313 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,690 Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent. 314 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,293 Okay, it can be violent, 315 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,662 but you have to do the dishes first. 316 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,867 Okay, I'll do the dishes, you watch TV. 317 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,635 Let's go get some ice cream! Come on! 318 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,137 But no sprinkles. 319 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,106 Robin? 320 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,042 Okay, sprinkles. 321 00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:32,479 Um, I would do what my dad did: tough love. 322 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:33,981 You know where you're headed, chief? 323 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:37,784 The British Columbia Military School for Boys. 324 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,520 Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have 325 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,123 to shave off all your hair and burn your "girlie" clothing in 326 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,125 an old oil drum while your father stands there 327 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,427 and laughs at you through the flames! 328 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,864 Oh, my God! 329 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:52,099 (hits xylophone) 330 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:55,235 I think that Robin wins this round 331 00:13:55,268 --> 00:14:00,473 because we love her and she's in a safe space, right, guys? 332 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,541 Robin matters! 333 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:02,342 Yay! Totally. 334 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,911 Now, that's just one point, right? 335 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,378 Lily. 336 00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,915 A spin... that... wheel! 337 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,053 ALL: Oh... 338 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,923 "Birds and Bees." 339 00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,724 Barney, "How would you teach young Marvin 340 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,859 about the facts of life?" 341 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,728 Hmm... 342 00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,730 You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro. 343 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,904 (sighs) 344 00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,372 Okay, Barney's out of this round. 345 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:35,408 Ted, how would you handle "the talk"? 346 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:38,345 Well, Marvin would be a young adult, 347 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,680 so you wouldn't want to talk down to him. 348 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:45,385 But that doesn't mean you can't get down with him. 349 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:48,021 (high-pitched rapping): * When two adults wish to procreate * 350 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,623 * They lay together and copulate * 351 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,393 * Male gametes, spermatozoa 352 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,095 * Implant themselves in the ladies' ova! * 353 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,296 * Break it down! 354 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,198 (beatboxing) 355 00:14:58,231 --> 00:14:59,299 I'm sorry, don't you need 356 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,702 to actually have had sex in order to explain it? 357 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:07,640 Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies. 358 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:10,077 Robin? Birds and bees? 359 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,279 Well, I, for one, don't think 360 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,813 you have to teach Marvin a thing. 361 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:18,218 If he's anything like his dad, he's a natural-born stud. 362 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,988 Lily got a little braggy 363 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,156 at a cucumber stand once, big guy. (clicks tongue) 364 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,292 Robin wins again! 365 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,827 Oh, come on! That's clearly pandering! 366 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:28,828 A spin... 367 00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:31,264 that... wheel! 368 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,133 NARRATOR: We played long into the night, 369 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,501 eventually making it to the dreaded... 370 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,503 Lightning round! 371 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,109 First word! 372 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,745 Oh. Ooh... 373 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,080 Actually, that's a joist, 374 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,082 which carries the stress of the ceiling 375 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:51,451 versus the primary architectural load. 376 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:52,819 But that's my boy! 377 00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:54,087 (toy squeaking) Ooh. 378 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,989 Nerd! (gasps) 379 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,790 That's my boy! 380 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,592 MARSHALL: First heartbreak! 381 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,095 I know this hurts, little buddy, 382 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,463 but you'll love again someday, 383 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,999 because time will heal a broken heart. 384 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,036 But not that bitch's window. 385 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,803 (window breaks) Run! 386 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,474 TED: Yeah, right. 387 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,775 I've seen Barney throw. 388 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,578 He's no Vinnie Pestano, am I right? 389 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,249 Beloved Indians' middle reliever. 390 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,185 Cleveland sports are still relevant. 391 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:28,188 LeBron who? Right, guys? 392 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,023 Ted, neither you nor Cleveland 393 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:32,025 knows how to get over someone leaving them. 394 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,162 Here's how you'd handle heartbreak. 395 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:36,529 (high-pitched voice): Cheer up, squirt. 396 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:39,332 There are plenty of other wonderful women out there. 397 00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:43,336 (sobbing): But I thought that she was the one. 398 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,907 I'll be at Uncle Barney's. 399 00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,677 This is ridiculous. 400 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,379 I've known you for 16 years. 401 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,913 I'm the obvious choice. 402 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:55,148 Oh, come on, if Ted raises him, 403 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,817 the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. 404 00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,487 I'm the obvious choice. Hey, look, as the only one of us 405 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,922 packing a vag, I got a natural instinct 406 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,491 for nurturing and crap like that. 407 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,659 Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt. 408 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,096 Yeah, I could do that. I am Barney Stinson! 409 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:11,198 (all arguing) 410 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:12,999 Guys, guys, guys! 411 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,601 Okay! All right! 412 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,270 Obviously, none of you knows what it really means 413 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,771 to be a parent. 414 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,074 (scoffs): Well... obviously, neither of you 415 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,743 know what it means to be a friend anymore. 416 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,179 What are you talking about? 417 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,214 Think about it. 418 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,082 This is the most we've seen you two 419 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,850 in five months. 420 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:31,951 ROBIN: You don't seem to care 421 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,553 what's going on in our lives 422 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,555 unless it's an eight or higher. 423 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,124 Well, what do you expect? 424 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,092 We have a baby now. Yeah. 425 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:42,028 The days of closing down MacLaren's are over. 426 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,096 Unless you want 427 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,964 to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning 428 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,399 with a screaming baby. 429 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,534 So that's it? 430 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,437 The... the end of an era, just like that? 431 00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:54,040 Look... we're sorry if-if we don't have time 432 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:57,810 to sit around the bar listening to silly little dating problems. 433 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,579 When you have 434 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:03,716 a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, 435 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:04,984 it's the only important thing. 436 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,086 When are you guys gonna get that? 437 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,988 Think we get it. 438 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:11,023 * 439 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,929 (door closes) 440 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,336 I can't believe they just walked out. 441 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,772 Yeah. Maybe it's for the best. 442 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,141 Barney was starting to pull ahead. 443 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,676 I mean, how selfish can they be? 444 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,978 We're trying to raise a child here. 445 00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:34,947 I'm sorry if I don't have time to deal with Ted's... 446 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,984 um.... o-or Robin's... 447 00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,619 um... 448 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,921 or-or Barney's... 449 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,456 mm... 450 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:45,292 Huh. 451 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:51,798 You know, we were about to name one of them Marvin's godparent, 452 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,100 and... I can't tell you 453 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,303 what's going on in any of their lives. 454 00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,172 (exhales) 455 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,142 Do you think that maybe 456 00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:06,346 we've been a little crappy as friends lately? 457 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,820 Do you really know how to bow hunt? 458 00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,121 Um, yeah. 459 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,657 At the British Columbia Military School for Boys 460 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,792 we called it "making lunch." 461 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,127 LILY: Hey, guys. 462 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,029 We asked Mickey to watch Marvin 463 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,232 so we could come down and talk. 464 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,967 I know that we didn't get to finish the game, but... 465 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,637 we've reached a decision. 466 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,038 MARSHALL: Lily? 467 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,041 We've decided... 468 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,579 ...to revoke the "eight or higher" rule. 469 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:40,513 TED/ROBIN/BARNEY: What? 470 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,048 We want to know everything 471 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,150 that's going on with you guys. 472 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,352 Really? 473 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:46,553 You're our best friends. 474 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,755 Everything is an eight or higher. 475 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:53,192 NARRATOR: And for the first time in almost half a year, 476 00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,995 Lily and Marshall closed down MacLaren's. 477 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,397 Anyway, 478 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,999 Victoria's dad and I are working out a payment plan 479 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,701 with a very reasonable interest rate. 480 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,102 * 481 00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:04,704 At least, Nick's cycle 482 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,105 is fuel-efficient-- we're getting, like, 483 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,074 30, 35 miles to the cob. 484 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,276 Really? Yeah. 485 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,510 You know, I should've 486 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,279 told you about that six and a half sooner. 487 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,847 Barney Stinson banging anything less than an eight? 488 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,049 That's like a 15. 489 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,051 And it was a great night. 490 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,920 Until... 491 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,490 (Marvin bawling in other room) 492 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,695 (sighs): Go back to bed. 493 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,062 We got this. 494 00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:33,132 * 495 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:35,802 (Marvin continues bawling) 496 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,038 And Lily and Marshall finally decided 497 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,307 on a guardian. 498 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,709 Are you sure about this, baby? Yes. 499 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:57,156 No matter what happens, I want Marvin to stay in the family. 500 00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:58,591 Oh... 501 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,129 Is that a bowling ball in a onesie? 502 00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,997 Run!