1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:05,005 NARRATOR: Kids, the summer of 2012 was the Summer of Love. 2 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,175 Barney and Quinn, 3 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,210 me and Victoria, 4 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,645 Robin and Nick, 5 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,982 Lily, Marshall and Marvin. 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,984 Everyone was happy as can be. 7 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,986 (all sigh happily) 8 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,155 Which means there are absolutely no good stories. 9 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,191 Let's skip ahead... 10 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,060 ...to October 2012, 11 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,728 the official kick-off 12 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:28,929 of what came to be known as 13 00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:31,099 the Autumn of Breakups. 14 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:33,534 It all started when Barney got a little friendly advice 15 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,868 from a coworker. 16 00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:36,937 Get a prenup, or I'll neuter you 17 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:38,772 before she ever has a chance! 18 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,575 First of all, if you have an onion bagel, 19 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,944 you don't need scallion cream cheese. 20 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,246 (gagging) 21 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,282 Secondly, Quinn is a great girl. 22 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,717 I trust her. 23 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,285 Oh, Darlene was a great girl. 24 00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:52,520 I trusted her. 25 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,555 And then she took everything! 26 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,957 My house, my car... 27 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,526 my dog Tugboat. 28 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,395 I even lost out with the kids. 29 00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,131 Full custody! 30 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,965 I got full custody of those kids! 31 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,768 Your kids are horrible. 32 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,069 The worst. 33 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:12,039 Barney, I watched as Darlene cut everything good out of my life 34 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,975 like a deranged surgeon hacking out organs, 35 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:17,145 and that's not a metaphor. 36 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,213 She got one of my kidneys. 37 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,315 (musical horror sting) 38 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,384 That's her ringtone. 39 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,520 I have nothing left to give you, Darlene! 40 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:36,664 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 41 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,438 You won't believe what Barney did today. 42 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:47,107 You won't believe what Quinn did today. 43 00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,243 Hey, you ready for lunch? 44 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,511 Hey, there she is. 45 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,247 The future Mrs. Barney Stinson. 46 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:55,149 You better enjoy signing your name "Quinn Garvey" 47 00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:57,351 while you still can, right? 48 00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,153 Like, I don't know... 49 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:02,490 here, here, here, initial here... 50 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,691 What is this? 51 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,427 Oh, this is our prenup. 52 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,429 Black or blue? Totally up to you. 53 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,631 Um, can I read it first? 54 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,166 Can you believe that? 55 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,101 He wants me to sign a prenup! 56 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,303 Can you believe that? 57 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,038 She wants to read it first! 58 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,106 Just go ahead and sign. 59 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,641 It's all pretty standard. 60 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,644 "In the event of divorce, 61 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:26,380 "Mr. Stinson is granted weekly visitation rights 62 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,716 to Ann, Sarah and Molly." 63 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,551 You named our future kids? 64 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,053 That's actually pretty sweet. 65 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:36,324 Those are Mr. Stinson's names for your lady parts. 66 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,692 It's important for the girls 67 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:41,028 to maintain a relationship with their daddy. 68 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,896 (imitates small explosion) 69 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,432 You named her lady parts? 70 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,335 Everyone does that. 71 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,169 So... Lily? 72 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,171 Snap, Crackle, Pop. 73 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:52,673 (popping sound) 74 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,075 Solid. Wait. 75 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,678 Is this prenup in any way legit? 76 00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,547 I mean, so far, it sounds a lot like 77 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,982 that bar napkin document you make one-night stands sign, 78 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,384 promising not to get clingy. 79 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,386 The Pre-Shtup, patent pending. 80 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,821 God, I come up with a lot of good stuff! 81 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,089 Anyway, I realize 82 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,992 these aren't just terms for divorce, so I ask... 83 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:15,162 Are these rules for how I have to behave in our marriage? 84 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,897 Rules? 85 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,199 Suggestions. 86 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,502 Rich people and celebrities put stuff like this 87 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:22,570 in their prenups all the time. 88 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:25,373 And those are the marriages that last. 89 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:30,511 I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound? 90 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,013 Not every time. 91 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,215 Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in. 92 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,851 See, you can't do that. 93 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:41,121 "Miss Garvey must invent 12 new sexual positions per year, 94 00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:42,623 "at least ten of which 95 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,225 involve her doing all or most of the work." 96 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,528 You definitely can't do that. Hm-mm. 97 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,230 "Miss Garvey's breasts must be enhanced every five years 98 00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:54,402 or 50,000 honka-honkas, whichever comes first." 99 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,437 That's actually not bad. I'll allow it. 100 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,772 That's repulsive. 101 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,574 And, sidebar: why do men think 102 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,576 women like to be honka-honka'd? 103 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:05,646 What woman wants her breasts squeezed like a seal horn? 104 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,048 Um... totally. 105 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:11,084 Lily like-a-like-a the honka-honka. 106 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,089 "All hair below the neck must be removed weekly." 107 00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,959 Hey, you're gonna be thanking me for that hair loss 108 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,061 during the weigh-in. 109 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,263 "Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place 110 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,065 as long as they like." 111 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,301 Well, at least that one's nice. 112 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,806 "Provided they each arrive in an urn." 113 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:36,109 "Wives two through eight will make a weekly chore wheel." 114 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,312 I'm sorry, I borrowed a few sections 115 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:41,014 from a prenup I did for a Saudi Arabian sultan. 116 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,916 I'll cross out the extra wives stuff. 117 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:43,984 Unless... 118 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,286 Cross it out. 119 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,288 My God! What the hell does Barney think 120 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,458 marriage is going to be like, anyway? 121 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,160 Just a healthy, modern-day marriage, 122 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:56,196 based on mutual respect between two equals. 123 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,867 Ready for your wake-up lap dance, Master? 124 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,034 Aren't you forgetting something? 125 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,269 (gasps) 126 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,937 Oh, my God, it's 9:00 a.m. 127 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:08,041 Legally mandated morning pillow fight time! 128 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,878 (women cheer) 129 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,113 WOMEN: Best husband ever. 130 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,148 Best husband ever. 131 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,385 Best husband ever. Aw. 132 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,119 Best husband e... 133 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,121 Sorry, sorry, we crossed out the wives 134 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,957 two through eight stuff. Unless... Nope. 135 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,994 Okay. Don't worry. I crossed it out. 136 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,862 I didn't really cross it out. 137 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:29,963 I can hear you. 138 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,700 I'll cross it out. 139 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,002 I didn't really cross it out. 140 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,737 Hey, hey... 141 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,872 Hey, guys, what's up? 142 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,307 Oh, Quinn's pissed because Barney wants her 143 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,175 to sign a crazy prenup. 144 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,877 But is it really crazy? 145 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,546 Yes. Well, I'm new to this but guessing yes. Yes. 146 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,681 Okay, look. 147 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,182 Did I go... 148 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,184 a speck of sand, a fairy eyelash, 149 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,721 a unicorn whisper too far? 150 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:56,089 Perhaps. 151 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,158 But can you tell me there's nothing 152 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,194 in any of your relationships you'd want to change? 153 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,697 No behavior you'd want to outlaw? 154 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,733 No terms you'd want to renegotiate? 155 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:08,936 Look me in the eye and tell me I'm crazy. 156 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,337 OTHERS: You're crazy. 157 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,105 NARRATOR: But a funny thing 158 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,107 happened that night. 159 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,043 (all taking at once) 160 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,211 Look, I'm not saying he's right, but 161 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,113 Barney does have a little bit of a point. 162 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,750 MARSHALL: But on this one, he may have a point. I mean, look... 163 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,052 the idea of renegotiating the terms of the relationship, 164 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,054 that's valid. 165 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,056 NICK: (scoffs): No. 166 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,223 There isn't anything about you 167 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,426 that I'd want to change. 168 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:36,029 Well, okay, maybe a couple of things. 169 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,097 WOMEN: Like what? 170 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,199 NARRATOR: And just like that... 171 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,235 one of these four couples would break up 172 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:45,939 the very next day. 173 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:48,141 Okay, it wasn't Lily and Marshall. 174 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,544 One of these three couples would break up 175 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:53,080 the very next day. 176 00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,953 What happened? So last night 177 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,222 Nick was all like, "Barney has a point 178 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,825 "about renegotiating the terms of the blah, blah, blah, 179 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,093 blah, blah, blah." Yeah, and Marshall 180 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:09,062 was all like, "Uh, I want to blah, of the blah, 181 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,131 uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." 182 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,567 If I shut my eyes it's like they're here. 183 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,102 They're just using Barney's prenup 184 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,137 as a way to complain about us. 185 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,507 I'm just saying, you've forbidden certain things 186 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,642 that I might like to revisit. 187 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,344 Marshall, you're not going on a Sasquatch hunt 188 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,947 in Oregon with a bunch of loonies. 189 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,281 Loonies? 190 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,952 Those brave, bearded men and women are crypto-zoologists, 191 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,955 and they deserve the respect that title commands. 192 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:38,526 But that's not what I was thinking of. 193 00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:41,028 You're too precious with the baby. 194 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,663 LILY: Okay, 195 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,532 when we first came home with Marvin, 196 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,867 there was a bad moment. 197 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,736 Welcome home, buddy. 198 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,541 (gasps) (baby giggles) 199 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:55,075 ROBIN: Was it really that high? 200 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,778 I don't know. I was hormonal. 201 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:01,148 And suddenly, this primal, protective mother voice 202 00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,382 came out of me. 203 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,985 Actually, it was two voices. 204 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:08,889 I seriously think one was coming from my vagina. 205 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,991 (deep, echoing): Never do that again! 206 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,994 Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the big deal? 207 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,496 My brothers and my dad used to roughhouse with me 208 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:18,165 all the time. 209 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,767 Welcome home, Marshall. 210 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,037 Hi. Boys... 211 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,907 go long. 212 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,308 (baby giggles) 213 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,911 Stop! Not in the house. 214 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,512 That's how lamps break. 215 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:35,382 Now go pass that baby around outside. 216 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:39,853 Oh, fumble! 217 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,222 And I turned out perfectly fine. 218 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,057 Marshall, this morning you thought a ghost 219 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,759 made your toast. 220 00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:48,228 I didn't put the bread in. 221 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,030 You didn't put the bread in. 222 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:53,033 You know what? I will play with my son 223 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,202 however I see fit. And you know what else? 224 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:58,772 You can honka-honka yourself tonight. 225 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,507 ROBIN: Barney's prenup 226 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,043 ruined my night, too. 227 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,012 Okay, uh, what behavior 228 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,014 of mine don't you like? 229 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,249 I'm talking about the TV thing. 230 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,451 Okay, the TV thing is an argument 231 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,954 from, like, three weeks ago. 232 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,455 Mmm. 233 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,024 (Nick laughs) 234 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,092 (sighs) 235 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,194 Uh... 236 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,463 Oh, I'm sorry. 237 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,265 Didn't realize it takes 42 inches 238 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:26,566 to keep you satisfied. 239 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,868 ROBIN: The TV happened 240 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,803 to be on. I happened to glance at it. 241 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,039 Does that make me so weird? No. 242 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,142 Not at all. Thank you. 243 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:38,812 I may be a little weird. 244 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,448 Mmm. 245 00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:42,983 (Nick laughs) 246 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,384 Oh, yeah. 247 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,619 ROBIN: I get... 248 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:47,988 turned on watching myself 249 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:51,058 do the news during sex. 250 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,927 Yeah, that's a little weird. 251 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,129 Look, seeing myself on TV makes me feel 252 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,665 confident and sexy. 253 00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:00,133 And that is nothing to be ashamed of, right, sisters? 254 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,104 Never speak of this. Ever. 255 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:07,007 Yeah, of course. Yeah. 256 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,376 There's more. 257 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,948 LILY: Wait. 258 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:17,117 So when you're doing the news live at 7:00, 259 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,986 you wink to future you 260 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,188 watching the rebroadcast at 11:00? 261 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,092 Maybe. 262 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,860 Never speak of this. 263 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,095 Ever! 264 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,997 You won't believe 265 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,665 what Ted did last night. 266 00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:33,967 You said you were happy to help him out. 267 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,003 Well, now I'm changing my mind. 268 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:37,304 Sorry to interrupt, roomie, but I am trying 269 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,106 to make sausage. Where do you keep 270 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,174 your pig intestines? 271 00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:43,476 What's your ex-fiancé doing at Ted's? 272 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,279 Klaus came to me a few weeks ago. 273 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,948 Since we broke up, 274 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,850 he lost his job, he got evicted. 275 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,651 He's miserable. 276 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,053 (sobs): I'm so sorry. 277 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,288 If I could just take a quick whore's bath 278 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,025 in your kitchen sink, then I will skedaddle. 279 00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,027 Oh, Klaus, I wish that there was something 280 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,361 I could do to help. 281 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:02,562 TED: There is, 282 00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:05,165 little lady. I've got a guest room. 283 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,968 You'll stay here till you're back on your feet. 284 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,169 Are you sure? 285 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,570 This is your apartment. 286 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,873 Shh. 287 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,007 Think of this as our apartment. 288 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,142 ROBIN: Oh... 289 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,476 Hero Ted. 290 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,911 He loves that move. 291 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,148 Yeah, for about five minutes, then he gets hero's remorse. 292 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,150 Danke schon, roomie. 293 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,484 I will go get my things. 294 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,920 Das is super-duper-duper. 295 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,421 My ferrets will be so happy. 296 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,191 They have been living in an airport locker for weeks. 297 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:32,993 Here comes papa, children. 298 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,527 (door closes) VICTORIA: I'll admit, 299 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,164 there have been a few awkward moments. 300 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,666 (laughing) You are going to love this. 301 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,334 This is the popular German situational-comedy, 302 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,535 Strange Compatriots. 303 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,438 (giggles) Here we come. 304 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,942 Ooh. Here's the thing about this show, okay? 305 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,344 One of them is very neat 306 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:55,182 und the other one is very, very neat. 307 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,583 (laughs) 308 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:58,451 Oh, Fritz, kommen sie hier. 309 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,754 Ah, Fritz... 310 00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:03,190 It's time to give Klaus "das boot." 311 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,525 (Klaus sobbing in distance) 312 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,795 Klaus? 313 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,130 Wait, can-can you hear us through the wall? 314 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,765 KLAUS: Yes, I can hear you. 315 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:14,434 I hear everything. 316 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,203 (quietly): That's it. 317 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,405 Klaus, get in here! 318 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,408 For God's sake. 319 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,543 I want you out of my apartment. 320 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:28,081 You, those ferrets and all five newborns. 321 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,249 Six and counting. 322 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,784 Mama is still going. 323 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:33,586 It is like a clown car. 324 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,956 Suddenly, it wasn't our apartment anymore. 325 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,724 I had no say in the matter. 326 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,659 These guys are unbelievable. 327 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,795 You know what, I am gonna go home 328 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:45,565 and watch the news all by myself. 329 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,834 Wait. 330 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,335 I have an idea. 331 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,771 You know what? 332 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,007 I'm on board with the whole prenup thing. 333 00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,242 That's great. 334 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,110 It's here to protect you, too, sweetie... 335 00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,447 from becoming unappealing to me. 336 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,016 Actually, I made my own prenup 337 00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,852 with a little help. 338 00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:05,986 Ladies? 339 00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,026 Go ahead and sign. 340 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,261 It's all pretty standard. 341 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:18,031 This might not be the best time to ask-- 342 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,167 I'm sort of getting back in the game. 343 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,835 (clears throat) The redhead with the baby, 344 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,237 what's her situation? 345 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,879 "In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get 346 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:34,948 full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits"? 347 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,449 Why? 348 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,051 What would you do with them? 349 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:41,688 Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style. 350 00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,057 That is just sick. 351 00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:45,358 Keep reading. 352 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,627 "Mr. Stinson is allowed to attend 353 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,163 any function at the Playboy Mansion." 354 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,231 Well, at least that's nice. 355 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:56,036 "Provided he arrives in an urn." 356 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,473 Gentlemen, just in time. 357 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,175 What are you bitches doing here? 358 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,843 Lily. Oh, he's napping. 359 00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,512 It's the only time I get to go blue. 360 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,315 Barney texted us that you guys were ganging up on him. 361 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,183 MARSHALL: So we're just here to ensure 362 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,719 he doesn't sign anything he'll regret. 363 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,187 I'm sorry, I don't think anyone here 364 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,722 other than me is a lawyer. 365 00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:19,392 A well-paid, successful lawyer. 366 00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,429 I-I'm a lawyer. 367 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,364 Actually, we worked together for years. 368 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:25,999 Back off, stretch, I saw her first. 369 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,567 BARNEY: Hang on a second. 370 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,003 "A half million dollar fine 371 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:33,740 "any time Mr. Stinson can't 'rise to the occasion,' 372 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:37,110 cue sad slide whistle sounds"? 373 00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,545 (descending slide whistle) 374 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:42,015 Hey, what's this about a shock collar? 375 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,516 Ah, yes, we'll explain. 376 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,718 Miss Garvey has many attractive friends 377 00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,354 who will come to visit. 378 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,089 May I offer you 379 00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,224 some goat cheese puff pastries I made, mistress? 380 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:54,227 As long as you can do it quietly. 381 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,166 (buzzing) 382 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,036 BARNEY: Wait, I'm confused. 383 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:06,073 If it's not around my neck, then where's the shock collar? 384 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,642 Oh, God. 385 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,279 MEN: Oh, God. 386 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,047 It's more of a shock ring, really. 387 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,782 Her idea. 388 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:18,818 Little missy is packing a brain, too. 389 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:19,987 MARSHALL: Okay, you know what? 390 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,289 Since we're all pitching in, 391 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,890 may I suggest a provision? 392 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,258 In the event 393 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:28,761 that you have a son, Mr. Stinson is free 394 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,064 to play with his child however he sees fit. 395 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,100 How about forbidding your future husband 396 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:36,269 from spiking his child into his crib? 397 00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,438 How about a clause protecting you from having to engage 398 00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:41,441 in a three-way with her and whatever's on basic cable? 399 00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:45,078 Oh, yeah? How about forbidding... 400 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,147 I got nothing. 401 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,816 How about a provision barring any nudist German ex-fiancés 402 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:52,152 from slapping his strudel up and down your sofa? 403 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,786 How about pretending to be a hero, 404 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:57,157 but then caving the moment a ferret bite breaks the skin? 405 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,092 The skin of my eyelid. 406 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,293 That's how they kiss. 407 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,494 Are you serious? 408 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,364 (overlapping arguing) 409 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,968 Enough! Enough! 410 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,370 You all have someone who loves you, 411 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,139 and you're screwing it up, and over what? 412 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,141 Who has the most power? 413 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:15,875 That's not love. 414 00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,644 Love is trusting someone enough 415 00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:19,879 to tell them what's really bothering you. 416 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,014 So that's what we're gonna do. 417 00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:22,249 You, start. 418 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,121 When you got scared about Marvin, 419 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,490 it felt like you were saying that 420 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,226 I'm not as good a parent as you. 421 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,728 You're an amazing mom, 422 00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:39,199 and I want to live up to that. 423 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,370 Well, I probably have trust issues 424 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,672 because my dad wasn't there for me. 425 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:49,276 But I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin. 426 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,179 You, next. 427 00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:57,150 Having Klaus back in our lives 428 00:16:57,184 --> 00:17:01,054 made me scared we're never gonna escape the past. 429 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,256 I only wanted to help Klaus 430 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:07,026 because I feel guilty about how happy I am with you. 431 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:09,562 Next. 432 00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:12,832 I find you so sexy, 433 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,769 it just hurt that you don't feel the same about me. 434 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:22,175 I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex. 435 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,543 Oh. 436 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,379 Well, that's cool. 437 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,285 Look at that, no legal documents needed. 438 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,121 Just honesty and vulnerability. 439 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,522 That's love. 440 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,590 You see, I once loved someone, 441 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,859 only I didn't say it enough. 442 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,195 Now I wish I could say it every day. 443 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,430 Hell, 444 00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:44,931 I don't care if it's crazy, 445 00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:47,033 I-I'm doing it. 446 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,068 Hello, Darlene? 447 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,270 Put Tugboat on the line. 448 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,405 Hey, buddy. 449 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,974 Hey, it's the man. 450 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,477 NARRATOR: And for a moment, 451 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,079 all felt right with the world. 452 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,448 But that very night, 453 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:04,451 the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims. 454 00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,086 ROBIN (on TV): ...wish you a very safe and pleasant evening. 455 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,821 Good night. 456 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,023 Good night. 457 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,396 Good night. 458 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,165 Good night. 459 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,167 KLAUS (distantly): Gute Nacht. 460 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,201 And you too, my babies. 461 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,969 Oh, dan for the sweet eye kisses. 462 00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,271 (giggles) Ow. 463 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,139 After you, sir. 464 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,307 Ladies first. 465 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,608 I insist. 466 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,010 (chuckles) I insist. 467 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,313 I'm not throwing mine out first. I'm not throwing mine out first. 468 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,415 You've slept with half the women in New York. 469 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,083 I'm the one who needs a prenup. 470 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,118 You duped me out of thousands of dollars. 471 00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,487 I'm the one who needs a prenup. 472 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,088 I just thought of some more stuff to add. 473 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,122 I'm not half finished. 474 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,499 (sighs) Let's dive in. 475 00:18:57,204 --> 00:19:00,106 It should be simpler than this, shouldn't it? 476 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,808 Yeah. 477 00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,644 Maybe it should be. 478 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:07,314 Barney, do you trust me? 479 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,916 (scoffs) 480 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:13,320 No. 481 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,189 Do you trust me? 482 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,726 No. 483 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,797 If we really need something this complicated 484 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,566 to get married... 485 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,572 Yeah. 486 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:37,910 * I was anxious to be found 487 00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:42,014 * You can always go home 488 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:45,385 * To the safety of your cloud. 489 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,087 I'm sorry, buddy. 490 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,656 Hey, there's always 491 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,491 wives two through eight. 492 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,860 They sounded pretty hot in your fantasy. 493 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,328 All but wife seven. 494 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,196 She was just there 'cause her dad was rich. 495 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,768 Actually, I'm okay. 496 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,170 I found out I'll never trust someone enough to get married, 497 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,038 and that's fine. 498 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,577 My single life is, and always will be, 499 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,546 legen... wait for it... 500 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,949 ...dary! 501 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:20,119 My wedding is gonna be legendary. 502 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,355 So, prenup? 503 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,557 Not this time. 504 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,093 Oh, hey you. Ready for lunch? 505 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,395 Totally. 506 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,397 Mmm. 507 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,433 Thanks. 508 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:35,535 See, Tugboat? 509 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,770 That's love. 510 00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,806 Yeah. 511 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,278 (man speaking German on TV) 512 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:48,415 Okay, you see, Ludwig has started to polish the doorknobs, 513 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,884 but Wilhelm has already completed this chore. 514 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,986 (laughter) 515 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:55,755 Yeah. 516 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,257 ALL: Ahh... 517 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,827 You know, 518 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,128 it's big comedy, 519 00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,130 but you also really care about these characters. 520 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,798 LUDWIG: Wilhelm! (descending slide whistle) 521 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,800 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 522 00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,802 and CBS 523 00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:11,838 and TOYOTA.