1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,371 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, when Aunt Lily went into labor, 2 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,873 Marshall was somewhere slightly inconvenient-- 3 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:08,576 in Atlantic City with Uncle Barney... 4 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:11,079 and drunk to the point of talking like Yoda. 5 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:14,648 [ Slurring ] Baby come. Papa gonna be am I. 6 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,717 Hospital must we get now. 7 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,587 There's, like, a four-hour wait at the valet stand. 8 00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:22,190 Plus, we're in no shape to drive, so a car's out. 9 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,924 Wait. Don't worry. 10 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,959 We'll take a cab to the train station. 11 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,395 [ Man ] Yeah, good luck getting a cab. 12 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,263 It's impossible 'cause of the big thing. 13 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,998 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, for the life of me, 14 00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:34,102 I can't remember what the big thing was in Atlantic City that weekend. 15 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,003 Was it a cheerleading convention? 16 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,738 [ Girls ] Go! 17 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,540 No, it was a porn convention. 18 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,276 Sci-fi convention? 19 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,313 Eh, I can't remember. 20 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:48,349 What-- 21 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,585 We're stuck in Atlantic City. City of Atlantic stuck in are we. 22 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,223 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 23 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,559 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 24 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,499 ** [ Ends ] 25 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,136 Okay. Lily, it's gonna be fine. 26 00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:10,204 We are not freaking out. 27 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,705 We are not freaking out! 28 00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:14,642 - I feel calmer already. - Let's get you to the hospital. 29 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,077 I can't go yet. I talked to Dr. Sonya. 30 00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:18,379 They won't admit me... 31 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:19,913 until my contractions are four minutes apart. 32 00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,215 If you don't make it in time, 33 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,650 I have got you covered. 34 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,818 When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, 35 00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,020 so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season. 36 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,124 Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, 37 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:31,692 you stop even touching yourself. 38 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,195 Anyway, I had skinny arms, so I got up there elbow deep. 39 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,629 I lost a Swatch birthing Blackie. 40 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,765 Okay, stop it. I am not a farm animal. 41 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,367 [ Bellowing ] 42 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,203 Here we go. Easy, girl. Sugar cube? 43 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:43,904 [ Groans ] Okay. 44 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:46,039 Don't worry, Lil. Shh. 45 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,410 Some of us know what a woman actually needs at a time like this-- 46 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:53,581 a kick-ass labor announcement e-mail. 47 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:58,286 ** [ Orchestra ] [ Ted ] A man, a woman and their best friend... 48 00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,121 embark on an incredible journey. 49 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:03,391 Lily's cervix is dilating, 50 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:07,060 and we want you all to be part of its grand opening. 51 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,397 You are not sending that to anyone, ever. 52 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:13,100 What I need right now is distraction from the pain. 53 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,035 Just-- Tell me a story. 54 00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,104 What story? I don't care. Anything. 55 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:19,039 How about "The Worst Cab Ride Ever"? 56 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,674 Clean your window for you? No! 57 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,075 Hey! Get off my cab! 58 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,611 [ Grunts ] 59 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,114 [ Blows Landing ] Oh! Oh, God! 60 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:28,282 Oh! Oh! 61 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,384 [ Both Yelping ] 62 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,119 [ Tires Squealing ] [ Screaming ] 63 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:33,654 [ Screaming ] 64 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,756 We're not panicking. We are not panicking! 65 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,058 Get on all fours. It widens your hindquarters. 66 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:41,094 Stop it. I am not a farm animal. 67 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,864 - But give me that sugar cube. - Oh. Yes. 68 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,233 Okay. Listen. 69 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:47,935 I am gonna get you to that hospital or die trying. 70 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,339 And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return. 71 00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,441 You can't have sex with Lily. 72 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,277 I ask only a second thing in return. 73 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:58,646 We're not naming our child Barney. 74 00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,714 I ask only a third thing in return. 75 00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,751 Let me choose your child's middle name, 76 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,086 because I have thought of the most awesome name of all time. 77 00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:07,788 What's the middle name? 78 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,290 Waitforit. 79 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,991 I'm waiting. 80 00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,226 Waitforit. 81 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,127 I said I'm waiting. 82 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,430 - Waitforit. - What's the middle name? 83 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,832 No, the middle name is Waitforit. 84 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,535 Let's say his first name is, I don't know, Barney. 85 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:25,873 He'd be Barney Waitforit Eriksen. 86 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,775 How awesome is that? 87 00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,078 That is... 88 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,881 the coolest middle name of all time. 89 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:36,149 I know. Okay. Listen. 90 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,886 I have a plan to get us to New York. 91 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:42,956 All we have to do is get our hands on that motorcycle, 92 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:46,494 and I know just the way to do it. 93 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:50,130 [ Electronic Beeping ] 94 00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:52,400 [ Both Sigh ] 95 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,668 - [ Cell Phone Rings ] - [ Robin ] Here. 96 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,970 Oh. Hi, Judy. 97 00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:58,939 Oh, good. 98 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,409 You got the e-mail from Ted. 99 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:04,678 No, I am not worried my city hips are too narrow... 100 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,315 and your grandson's gonna get stuck. 101 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:08,882 I gotta go. 102 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,184 I thought you deleted that stupid e-mail. 103 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,387 Okay. I sent it by accident. 104 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,356 - She like it? - Yes. 105 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:17,190 Just keep telling me stories. 106 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,059 Okay. Okay, I got one for you. 107 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,994 "Second Base with Neil Young." 108 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,897 Um-- [ Chuckling ] 109 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:28,936 I don't normally go to second base and tell, 110 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:34,241 but I just spent a magical night with Neil Young. 111 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:35,809 [ Whispers ] He's still in my room. 112 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,311 Serious? Oh, my God. 113 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,112 Be cool, guys. Don't scare him off. 114 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,915 [ Clears Throat ] Hey. Hey. 115 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,387 - Robin. - Yeah? 116 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,989 That's not Neil Young. 117 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,694 Oh, God. 118 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:57,731 - [ Laughing ] - We're bustin' apple bags? I can bust apple bags. 119 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,467 Ted, remember when we were dating... 120 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:03,236 and we threw that party and one of those appetizers just didn't sit right? 121 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,106 Uh, it doesn't sound familiar. 122 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:10,210 I call this story "Ted and the Cuban Sandwich Crisis." 123 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,912 [ Toilet Flushes ] 124 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,847 [ Robin ] Ted came out of that bathroom... 125 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:17,217 looking like Joe Frazier after the Thrilla in Manila. 126 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:19,653 Oh, what is that smell? 127 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,490 Oh! 128 00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:25,393 So I, being a great girlfriend-- 129 00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,860 [ Cell Phone Chimes ] tried to help him out. 130 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:33,166 [ Scoffs ] You guys are all crazy. I don't smell anything. 131 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:36,303 Anyway, who wants to go up on the roof? But then-- 132 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:40,474 She who denied it supplied it. 133 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:43,411 Yeah. Must've been that Cuban sandwich, huh, babe? 134 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,946 [ Cackling ] 135 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,649 - That was not cool, Ted. - Contraction! 136 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,784 That wasn't cool, Ted? 137 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,686 Just keep going with the stories. 138 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,388 I don't even care if I've heard it before. 139 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,190 Just tell me, uh, "Where Does that Door Go?" 140 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,426 Okay. 141 00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:01,962 Hey. I've never noticed that door before. 142 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,366 I wonder where it goes. 143 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,572 Ted. Ted. 144 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:14,207 [ Barney ] No, no, no. Let him-- Let him-- 145 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:17,377 [ Chattering ] 146 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,714 Wow. 147 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,052 [ Door Closes ] 148 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,086 Don't-- 149 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,921 What-- But-- 150 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:39,332 Oh. Wow. 151 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,869 - [ Cell Phone Rings ] - Dad. Oh, good. 152 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,037 Let me guess. You got Ted's e-mail. 153 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:47,040 - I'm on my way, princess. - Dad, wait. No-- 154 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,642 Damn it, Ted. 155 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,845 I was okay with you e-mailing my aunt... 156 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,647 and my cousins and your cousins... 157 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,616 and the guy that Robin thought was Neil Young. 158 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:59,520 But my father is the absolute worst person to have around... 159 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,955 in any sort of medical situation. 160 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,892 [ Lily ] When I was seven, I needed to have my tonsils out. 161 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:08,061 Daddy, I'm scared. Oh, princess. 162 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,864 I would be too. I've researched this surgery. 163 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,067 Anything can happen. You could bleed to death. 164 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,737 You could have your jaw removed due to infection. 165 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,873 And the anesthesia could suddenly just stop working. 166 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,876 Much like your mom's and my marriage. [ Laughs ] 167 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,013 You do know that we're getting a div-- 168 00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:30,417 Don't worry about it. We'll talk about it after the surgery. 169 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,720 Calm down, girl. 170 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,589 Okay. For the last time, I am not a-- 171 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,424 Actually, keep going. 172 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:41,294 Okay. I admit the whole "win the motorcycle" plan was stupid. 173 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,097 Especially because we've been playing on the wrong machine. 174 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,504 New plan! Meet me at the entrance in five minutes. 175 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,708 [ Engine Revving ] 176 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,912 Hop on, Marshall. Tonight, we ride! 177 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,514 You won that? 178 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,315 Not exactly. 179 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,217 You see, I-- [ Muttering ] 180 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,186 [ Shouting ] 181 00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:11,024 [ Gasping ] I hope Marshall's close. 182 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,626 Cube me. 183 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,896 I'm on my way, Lily Pad. 184 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:22,235 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, your Uncle Marshall has faced many challenges in his life. 185 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,205 But he still considers getting up these two steps when he was this drunk... 186 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,740 to be the hardest one of all. 187 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,858 Tell me a Marshall story. I miss him. 188 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:49,096 Got it. "The Tale of the Cursed Pants." 189 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:52,199 Hey, guys. Hey. 190 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,868 So, I'm starting to worry about these pants. 191 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,436 Starting to? 192 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,906 Ever since I got 'em, terrible things have been happening to me. 193 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,674 I stubbed my toe. I missed my train. 194 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,710 You put on the pants. 195 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,913 The lady at the thrift store said, for years, no one so much as tried them on. 196 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,681 - Can you believe that? - Yes. 197 00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,850 You know what this means? 198 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:13,020 These pants... are cursed. 199 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,956 What's this in the pocket? 200 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,062 A clue. 201 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,164 [ Ted Narrating ] Marshall had the writing translated. 202 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,167 It led him deep into the heart of Chinatown. 203 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,976 [ Bell Jingles ] 204 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,713 [ Gasps ] It is you. 205 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,682 The one has arrived. 206 00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,354 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 207 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:52,425 Dry cleaning-- 21.50. 208 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,327 I remember that suit. 209 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,764 He looked like a little kid's imaginary friend. 210 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:59,767 - [ Chuckles ] - Where is he? 211 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:03,503 [ Ted Narrating ] Uncle Marshall knew he had only one chance of getting out of Atlantic City-- 212 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,773 bribing a cab driver. 213 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,708 Machine that gives money. 214 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,179 [ Laughs ] 215 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,716 Now Marshall was pretty drunk, 216 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,185 but he swears the A.T.M. started to do this. 217 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,688 [ Beeping ] 218 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,927 Huh. 219 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,732 [ Laughing ] 220 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,370 [ Male Electronic Voice ] Stop hitting me. 221 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:41,408 Just for that, you are never getting home for the birth of your son. 222 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:53,120 Nooo! 223 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:55,789 'Sup, bro? 224 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,225 How did you-- Uh-- Security. 225 00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,592 I'll explain. 226 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,895 [ Groans ] 227 00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:06,366 Tell me why we shouldn't call the authorities right now. 228 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,135 Go ahead. Call 'em. 229 00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,170 But first, can you show me the rule... 230 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:14,007 that says you can't drive a motorcycle on the casino floor? 231 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,009 [ Chuckles ] 232 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,946 It's not in here. 233 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:25,285 [ Ted Narrating ] And, kids, that sign is still there to this day. 234 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,355 When I came out, I ran into this guy. 235 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:32,960 Two seats just opened up on his bus to New York. 236 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,695 Barney, you're a genius. 237 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,264 Plus here's the best part. 238 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,699 This Quinn thing is probably done, so I'm basically single. 239 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,536 He said the bus is full of hot college seniors. 240 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:46,339 Okay. Maybe he didn't say "college." 241 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:47,808 Or "hot." 242 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,777 I miss Quinn. 243 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:52,780 [ Groans ] What is taking Marshall so long? 244 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,916 - Salt lick? - Just finish the door story. 245 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,364 Oh, wow. 246 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,036 I don't like this. 247 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,905 - [ Screams ] - Okay, okay. 248 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,807 That's four minutes. We're goin' to the hospital. 249 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,308 But Marshall's not here yet. 250 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,410 I can't go to the hospital without Marshall. 251 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:26,046 I'm on it. Lily, spread your legs. I'm gonna see if we can see the hooves-- 252 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,015 Uh, the snout-- Uh, the head. 253 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,649 Take me to the hospital now. 254 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,718 Okay. Come on. Come on. 255 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,821 Excuse me, sir. My wife is in labor, 256 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,889 and I really need to get to St. Marcus Hospital. 257 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,691 So where exactly in New York does this bus drop off? 258 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,160 Buffalo. 259 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,767 What do you mean I can't have an epidural? 260 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,738 You're too far along. Things are moving much faster than expected. 261 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,773 What-- [ Stammers ] 262 00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,943 Look. If your hands are tied medically, 263 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:58,445 just leave the epidural on the table and walk away. 264 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:02,682 Don't worry. The baby slide right out, huh? 265 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:05,218 Like whoosh! Like water slide. 266 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,520 [ Screams ] 267 00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,422 Slightly painful water slide. 268 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,623 [ Groans ] 269 00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,492 Tell me a story now! 270 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,127 Uh-- Oh! Uh-- 271 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:16,663 Remember the time Barney tried to pick up girls as the Terminator? 272 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,465 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 273 00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:33,847 [ Austrian Accent ] Come with me if you want to bang. 274 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,350 Another. Oh. 275 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:40,120 "Ted and the Freakishly Long Arm Hair." 276 00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,455 No, I disagree, because the filling-- 277 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,391 It depends on what you're eating, right? If it's-- 278 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,193 Uh, what the-- 279 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:48,595 [ All ] Whoa. 280 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,063 [ Groans ] 281 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,299 "The Debunking of the Freakishly Long Arm Hair." 282 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,602 It's-- It's just a thread. 283 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,471 I was jealous, okay? 284 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:02,109 Barney's getting all the attention today with his Terminator thing. 285 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,611 I can't believe I'm not getting laid in this thing. 286 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,881 Maybe I need to pick a different part of the movie. 287 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:16,356 [ Ted Whimpering ] 288 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,125 Tell me another story. 289 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,127 Hey, we never finished "Where Does that Door Go?" 290 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,096 Come on. Let's check it out. 291 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:26,099 You know, baby, they're gone. It's time for us to move on. 292 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,438 Lil. Lil. 293 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,711 Oh, my God. 294 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,547 [ Screams ] 295 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,182 Another story! 296 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:45,652 "The Time We Tested if Banana Peels Are Really Slippery." 297 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:49,589 - Ready? - There's no way that's really slippery. 298 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,657 Look. 299 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,159 Whoa! 300 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,826 Ow! 301 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,363 Uh, "The Halloween We Decided to Go as The Breakfast Club... 302 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,598 but Failed to Coordinate Our Costumes." 303 00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,033 This is ridiculous. 304 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,902 Oh. Come on. 305 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,437 I mean, you live with me. Really? 306 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,606 Yeah, that was funny. Keep going. 307 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:07,807 [ Stammering ] 308 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,277 "The Time Barney Saved a Woman's Life." 309 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,613 - Ready? - There's no way that's really slippery. 310 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,647 Look. 311 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:15,715 Whoa! 312 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,017 [ Spits ] 313 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:19,019 [ Screams ] 314 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,653 "The Time Lily Went into Labor." 315 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,156 - That's now! - Sorry. I'm running out of stories. 316 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,692 Forget it. They're not working anymore. 317 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,694 Okay, Lily. I know this isn't how you imagined it, 318 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,164 but I want you to know that I am here for you and I am rock solid. 319 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:33,300 Oh, I can see its head. 320 00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,970 Oh, thank God, Dr. Sonya. 321 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:40,974 You! Get that thing out of my delivery room! 322 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,110 Weak women disgust me. 323 00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,911 All right. Lily, legs up. 324 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,413 We push now, yes? 325 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,615 I can't. Marshall's not here yet. 326 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,917 Lily, if you don't push, 327 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:55,288 I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth! 328 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:56,189 [ Screams ] 329 00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:57,991 Where the hell is Marshall? 330 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,560 I can't do this without Marshall. 331 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:04,397 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. 332 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:08,435 Other times, it sends Lily's dad. 333 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,337 [ Groaning ] Oh. 334 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,572 Remember the time you had your tonsils out? 335 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,508 Yeah. Yeah. You scared the crap out of me. 336 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,644 [ Chuckles ] Yes, I did, didn't I? 337 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,413 Oh, my. 338 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,949 But do you remember what happened next? 339 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,386 And don't worry, princess. If you permanently lose the ability to speak, 340 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,155 we'll give you a chalkboard. 341 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:31,324 You can hang it around your neck on a little string. 342 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,727 Nurse? I don't know who this strange man is. 343 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,996 Security! What-- 344 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,831 I'm your daddy. What do you mean? I don't-- 345 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,333 Hey, fellas. Come on. 346 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,835 I woke up in a Dumpster of medical waste, 347 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,305 and I couldn't have been prouder. 348 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:50,810 Because much like that Dumpster, you had a lot of guts. 349 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:54,114 And you've used that bravery every day of your life. 350 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:59,652 With or without Marshall, you're having this baby. 351 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,389 Thanks, Dad. 352 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,492 That story actually helped. Oh, good. I'm glad. 353 00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,760 You know, few women have vaginal tearing severe enough... 354 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,363 to need surgical reconstruction-- Security! 355 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,031 Oh, come on. That's not necessary. 356 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,134 Sweetheart, please-- Fellas, come on. 357 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:17,437 Please, sir, all you have to do is take the next exit to Manhattan. 358 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,572 You'll be back on the road in 20 minutes. 359 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,641 I already told you. I'm not allowed to stop. 360 00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:26,045 Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. 361 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:29,649 And instead of going to St. Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo. 362 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:32,419 And I've seen women from there. The city's aptly named. 363 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,855 Look. I'm a screw-up. 364 00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:39,058 I had something special with this girl Quinn, and I ruined it. 365 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:42,695 But this guy, he's done everything right. 366 00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,365 He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old. 367 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:50,570 There are only a few truly great people on this planet, and he is one of them. 368 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:54,574 He deserves to be at the birth of his son. 369 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,743 So, what do you say? 370 00:17:56,809 --> 00:18:00,213 Unless there's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop. 371 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,816 So sit down, watch Cocoon 2 and shut up. 372 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,520 [ Sighs ] 373 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,291 I'm sorry, buddy. I tried. 374 00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:13,860 [ Ted Narrating ] And then something wonderful happened. 375 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,296 I'm having a heart attack. 376 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,067 I'm having a heart attack. 377 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,170 I'm having a heart attack, 378 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:26,072 and my doctor is at St. Marcus Hospital. 379 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,308 - [ Man ] So is mine. - Mine too. 380 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:31,244 And my son is head of Cardiology. 381 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,246 [ All ] We know. 382 00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,448 Push! 383 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:38,185 I wish Marshall were here! 384 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,587 - I'm here, baby. - Marshall. 385 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,655 I don't know why I passed out. 386 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,358 I have delivered 12 perfectly healthy babies, 387 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,527 and one of them was even human. 388 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,296 Well, it's different when it's someone you love. 389 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,097 That head was coming out of your best friend. 390 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,866 Oh, stop. I'm feeling woozy again. Don't. 391 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,435 Salt lick? 392 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,737 In return for him getting me here, 393 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:03,476 I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be Waitforit. 394 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,878 I can't wait. What is the name? 395 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,680 The name is Waitforit. 396 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,616 [ Screams ] 397 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:13,920 That is the coolest middle name of all time! 398 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,122 Look, um-- 399 00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:21,428 I know things have been weird between us the last few months, but-- 400 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,496 Marshall and Lily are having a baby. 401 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:24,831 Yeah. 402 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:29,369 And I want this baby to be born into a world where we're okay. 403 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,205 So, friends? 404 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:33,706 I love you, Robin. 405 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,042 Kidding. You-- 406 00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,177 Friends. You s-- 407 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,713 Guys. Great news from down the hall. 408 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:46,653 One dollar-- two bags of gummy bears. 409 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,356 It's like I don't even care what happens for the rest of the day. 410 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,392 I got-- Hey. 411 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:56,229 Well, guys, uh-- [ Exhales ] 412 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,265 I'm a dad. [ Laughs ] Oh, God! 413 00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,732 [ All Laughing, Exclaiming ] That's great! 414 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,100 Oh, my God! 415 00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:05,438 Everybody, this is Marvin. 416 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:07,874 Named him after my pop. 417 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,344 Tell them the full name. 418 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:15,515 Marvin Waitforit Eriksen. 419 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:19,952 That is the coolest middle name of all time. Totally. 420 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:25,658 [ Man ] * You were born into a strange world * 421 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,561 * Like a candle, you were meant to share the fire * 422 00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:30,630 * I don't know where we come from * 423 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,699 * I don't know where we go * 424 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,567 * But my arms were made to hold you * 425 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,503 * So I will never let you go * 426 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:41,808 * 'Cause you were born to change this life * 427 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,443 * You were born ** ** [ Fades ] 428 00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:48,415 [ Exhales ] 429 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,499 [ All ] Boo! [ Screams ]