1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,204 [ Ted Narrating ] In May of 2012, 2 00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:06,040 Marshall and Lily hosted a baby shower in the apartment. 3 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,641 All their friends were there. 4 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,178 So, of course, I made sure to show up exactly-- 5 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,280 [ Knocking ] three hours late. 6 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,681 Oh, no. 7 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,716 Am I late? Little bit. 8 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,852 Oh, I'm so sorry. I would have gotten here earlier. It's just, um-- 9 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:21,089 - You didn't want to see Robin. - I didn't want to see Robin. 10 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:24,792 I know, it's childish. She's not here, is she? 11 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,160 Actually-- 12 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,432 Oh, no. Am I early? 13 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,800 Little bit. 14 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,438 Whoa. She got you the red stroller? 15 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:41,709 Looks like I just blew her out of the water. 16 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,378 Anyway, she left before the party started. 17 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:45,479 Ah. 18 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:46,947 I'm really sorry. 19 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:49,650 I just think it's best if Robin and I don't see each other for a while. 20 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,686 Ted, it's fine. I'm a child of divorce. 21 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:56,657 You guys keep fighting all you want, as long as the expensive gifts keep coming. 22 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,592 Uh, so how was the shower? 23 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,128 It was good. 24 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:03,764 Although there was one weird moment with Barney's new stripper girlfriend. 25 00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,433 Fifty laps a day? 26 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:08,569 Oh, my goodness, young lady, that is a lot. 27 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,204 Oh, is it? 28 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:13,141 Is it a lot, Grandma Lois? 29 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:16,210 Yes, my girlfriend gets naked... ** [ "Battle Hymn of the Republic" ] 30 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:17,845 and sits on guys' laps for money. 31 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,382 And, yes, sometimes it's as many as 50 laps in one day. 32 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:26,654 And maybe society considers what she does to be "disgusting." 33 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,322 Or "slutty." 34 00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,425 Or verging on "prostitution." 35 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,262 Or "actual prostitution." 36 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,364 But you know what? I accept her. 37 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,867 And if you can't do the same, 38 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,735 well, then shame on you. 39 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:47,875 Shame... on... you. 40 00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:53,481 ** [ Ends ] We were, um, talking about swimming-- 41 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:56,784 how I sometimes swim 50 laps a day. 42 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,323 Well, it's great cardio. Lois, can I top off your champagne? 43 00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:05,859 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 44 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,397 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 45 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,237 ** [ Ends ] 46 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,638 You know, it's funny. 47 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,973 You tell the average guy you're dating a stripper, 48 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,409 he thinks it's awesome. 49 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,111 Heck, you tell your mom, she high-fives you so fast... 50 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,280 she doesn't even take off her oven mitts. 51 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:29,450 But if they had any idea how difficult it is-- 52 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:32,686 the jealousy, the insecurity-- 53 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:37,491 those high fives would be high fives of condolence. 54 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:41,262 Barney, condolence high fives are not a thing. 55 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,763 They're a thing. 56 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,932 I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go. 57 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,701 Up top. 58 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:52,506 Ah, listen to me and my boring couples' problems. 59 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:53,774 How are you? 60 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,244 - How's the single life? - I wouldn't know. 61 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:59,580 After this whole Robin thing, for the time being, I'm layin' low. 62 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:02,883 Laying low, as in sleeping with a really short chick? 63 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,985 - Hmm. - You guys doin' 39? 64 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,154 I mean I'm not seeing anyone. 65 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,390 I'm just trying to get Robin out of my head. 66 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,625 You need a palate cleanser. 67 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,760 Barney, please, 68 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,028 don't try to set me up with Quinn's stripper friends. 69 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,464 - I wouldn't dream of it. - Why not? 70 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,299 How many hints do I have to drop? 71 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:21,635 No, I'm thinking of something much more traditional-- 72 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,071 - online dating. - Yeah. No, thanks. 73 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,407 Come on, Ted, it's 2012. 74 00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,942 What do you expect-- to meet some cute travel agent... 75 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,612 when you're readin' a newspaper at a bookstore? 76 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,714 None of those things exist anymore. 77 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:39,587 Barney, I will never, ever, ever try online dating. 78 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,489 [ Ted Narrating ] That night, I tried online dating. 79 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,525 And, kids, the first girl I found was amazing-- 80 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,994 beautiful, smart, funny, 81 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,629 huge fan of pre-war architecture. 82 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,899 Favorite poet-- Neruda. Favorite movie-- Ghostbusters. 83 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,701 And she didn't hate Cleveland. 84 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,936 She's perfect. 85 00:03:56,003 --> 00:04:00,674 So I sent her an e-mail inviting her to... mini golf. 86 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,644 [ Typing ] 87 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,178 [ Rings ] 88 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,780 [ Beeps ] Hello. 89 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,850 [ Barney ] Mini golf? Who takes a first date to mini golf? 90 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,485 I'm comin' over! 91 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:15,423 Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Who buzzed you in? 92 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:18,258 Did you really think you could start dating online and I wouldn't find out? 93 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:21,762 But-- Wha-- Th-This girl, she-she was-- 94 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,664 Me. She was me, Ted. 95 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,500 The photo was just of some girl I knew you'd never seen before-- 96 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,902 a very famous sports anchor on ESPN. 97 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,840 Barney, I don't need you to help me find a girl online. 98 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,142 Exactly, because I've already done it. 99 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,844 Three girls, in fact. 100 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:40,814 I scoured the dating sites using my own personal logarithms, 101 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,451 factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, 102 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,786 filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, 103 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,756 guaranteeing a success rate of 83-- 104 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,558 You picked the girls that showed the most boob. 105 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,060 My methods get results. 106 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,429 Go out with these three girls... 107 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:58,866 and your palate is going to be so cleansed, you will see your reflection in it. 108 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,534 And when you do, 109 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,371 you can fix the hair, because-- Have you seen yourself? 110 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,606 No. But you know what I have seen? 111 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,476 Your stripper girlfriend's cans. Wow. 112 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,910 Wow. Wow, wow. 113 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,179 That was going way too far, wasn't it? 114 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,748 I'm sorry. My condolences. 115 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,351 Come on. 116 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:23,023 Man, Marshall's really stressing out about this baby. 117 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:27,395 He's reading every book, watching breast-feeding documentaries. 118 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,831 I woke up the other day, he had swaddled me. 119 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:34,301 Sure, it was the best night's sleep I have had in months, but still-- 120 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:36,904 You know what his latest thing is? 121 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,707 [ Klaxon Blaring ] 122 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:43,777 What the hell is that? [ Continues ] 123 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,647 [ Muffled Grunting ] 124 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,450 [ Stops ] Marshall, what is that? 125 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:52,920 I rigged this alarm to go off every three hours. 126 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:56,657 I'm training myself for the sporadic sleep patterns of early parenthood. 127 00:05:56,724 --> 00:06:00,828 Now if you'll excuse me, I have a practice baby to soothe. 128 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,468 You got to talk to him. Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight. 129 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,203 Maybe tomorrow morning. One last swaddle? 130 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:14,274 It's just so cozy. It's like sleeping in a warm burrito. 131 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,243 [ Ted Narrating ] Meanwhile, Barney was about to have... 132 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,311 a stripper's boyfriend's worst nightmare. 133 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,080 Karma? Oh, my gosh. 134 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,249 I didn't recognize you without your legs behind your head. 135 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:25,886 Darryl. I didn't recognize you without your creepy trench coat. 136 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,021 How are you? Great. You working tomorrow? 137 00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,658 You know it. Great. I'll be there with bells on. 138 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,293 And by "bells," I mean super-thin sweatpants. 139 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,996 [ Both Laughing ] Gross. 140 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,131 He's actually a nice guy. 141 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:41,969 He's so busy as deputy mayor, but I always get a card on my birthday. 142 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,938 Quinn, I love the fact that you're a stripper, 143 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,207 but I hate the fact that you're a stripper. 144 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,444 Barney, I like my job, 145 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,446 and I do not need to be rescued. 146 00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:55,415 So don't be that guy. 147 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,350 You're right. You're right. I got it. 148 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,886 Forget I said anything. 149 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,656 I'll see you tonight, Karma? You got it, Dirty Larry. 150 00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:05,425 You have to quit your job! 151 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:08,662 [ Ted Narrating ] That night, I went out with the first girl Barney picked for me. 152 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,297 There was just one problem. 153 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,232 Your name is Robin? 154 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,201 Yeah. With a "Y." [ Chuckles ] 155 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,870 Oh, "Yobin." 156 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,672 No, Robyn. 157 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:21,742 I go by "Scotch and Gun Lover" in my online profile... 158 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,711 'cause those are my two favorite things. 159 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,714 Well, next to Canada, my home and native land. 160 00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,650 Oh. Canada. 161 00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,418 [ Ted Narrating ] And just like that, 162 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,221 Robyn became Robin. 163 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,156 How's it goin', Ted? 164 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:44,832 Oh, good. Hey, look, Mommy's back from the bar. 165 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,700 [ Door Closes ] Now I can finally take a shower. 166 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,402 [ Sighs ] [ Kiss ] 167 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,205 This diaper smells. I don't want to know. 168 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:57,545 Okay, Marshall, sit down. We need to talk. 169 00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,748 [ Sighs ] Look, I know you mean well, 170 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,517 but we have five weeks till the due date. 171 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,219 Can't we use this time to just relax? 172 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:10,090 We'll figure out how all this stuff works after the baby comes. 173 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,792 After the baby comes? 174 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,493 Yeah, we'll learn on the job. 175 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,763 Learn on the jo-- Huh. 176 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:21,034 Wow. You know, Lily, maybe the crisis here isn't that I'm not ready to be a dad. 177 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,270 Maybe it's that you're not ready to be a mom. 178 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,838 Excuse me? Yeah, you-- 179 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,106 [ Ted Narrating ] With that, an argument began, 180 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,776 the details of which are still hotly debated to this day. 181 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,178 For instance, Uncle Marshall swears he never said-- 182 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,214 I'm the only one making sacrifices for this baby. 183 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,349 What? And he claims he never actually uttered the words-- 184 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,485 It's like you don't even know that you're pregnant. 185 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,621 While Lily insists this part was exaggerated. 186 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:44,825 Babies are easy. You just watch 'em be cute and feed 'em spaghetti. 187 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,795 But everyone agrees this is how the argument ended. 188 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,598 Marshall, what I need now is some peace, some quiet... 189 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,332 and-- now that it's out there-- some spaghetti. 190 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,102 Now please help me off the couch so I can storm out. 191 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,906 Huh! 192 00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,912 [ Ted Narrating ] The next day, I filled Barney in on my date. 193 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,414 Oh, Yobin. 194 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,683 No, Robyn. 195 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:13,821 And for the rest of the night, every time I looked at her, I just saw Robin's face. 196 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,522 Well, I should hope so. 197 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,825 No, our Robin. Robin with an "I." 198 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,193 Uh, our Robin has two eyes, my friend. 199 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,962 But that's good. You're forgetting what she looks like. 200 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,532 I'm sorry. That must have been tough. 201 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:28,368 If anyone knows what that feels like, it's me. 202 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,337 My condolences. 203 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,242 Okay, moving on. 204 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:39,512 Next girl, perfect palate cleanser. Nothing like Robin. 205 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,781 How nothing? 206 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,650 I gaze out into the world... 207 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:46,820 and all I see is an icy place where dreams die. 208 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,891 Ooh, lasagna. 209 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,393 How's it goin', Ted? 210 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,462 What? No! What-- Wha-- Why? 211 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,564 Remember? I made lasagna that one time. 212 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,967 That's all it takes? It wasn't even lasagna. 213 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,903 You took your botched kugel and poured tomato sauce on it. 214 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,673 I didn't say it was good lasagna. 215 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,108 By the way, what are you doing with this girl? 216 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:12,112 With tattoos all up and down her arms and everywhere else. 217 00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:15,048 Hello. Good gravy. 218 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,050 Does that dragon's tail go all the way down to her-- 219 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,753 Oh, yes, it does. 220 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,621 Well, what do you want me to do, Robin? 221 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:25,225 I have to get over you somehow, and if this is what it takes-- 222 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,960 Are you okay? 223 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,097 Yeah. Why? 224 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:34,234 You kind of spaced out there. Weirdo. 225 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,706 "So in summation, I'm very, very sorry. 226 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,108 I guess I just wanted you all to myself, 227 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,476 and then I thought of all the creepy guys groping at your-- 228 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,179 Okay, I'm getting mad again, so I'm going to stop writing now. 229 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,750 Please enjoy these chocolates. May contain peanuts." 230 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,052 Kiss and make up? 231 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,954 [ Chuckles ] 232 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,923 Have sex up against the window and make up? 233 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:59,326 [ Laughs ] Well, you do have a great view. 234 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:02,429 Well, funny you should mention that. It's your view. 235 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,698 Come again for Big Fudge? 236 00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,499 Congratulations. You're hired. 237 00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:11,638 You are Goliath National Bank's newest executive strategy coordinator. 238 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,341 What is an executive strategy coordinator? 239 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,344 It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, 240 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:21,148 equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck... 241 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,550 in the amount of exactly what you'd make stripping. 242 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,919 Plus dental. You're "welcs." 243 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,921 Now about that up-against-the-window sex-- 244 00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,390 Dude, I don't want to work for a bank. Why not? 245 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:34,161 Because I have standards. You people are whores. 246 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:37,597 The things you're willing to do just for some money, it's shameful. 247 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,900 You work in a strip club. 248 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,336 Yeah, and I like it, and I'm good at it. 249 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:47,207 Barney, if I took this job, you would own me. 250 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,576 I would be willingly stepping into a cage, 251 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,278 which is something I don't do. 252 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,480 Except on Thursdays, when it's cage night at the Lusty Leopard, 253 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,716 but that's a cardboard cage, and I can get out of it any time I want. 254 00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:58,218 You can? 255 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,754 Wow. Thanks for ruining cage night. 256 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,322 Come on, Quinn. No. 257 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,857 I wouldn't-- No. Don't. 258 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,994 I think I have some thinking to do. 259 00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,430 I-- [ Sighs ] 260 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,033 Mr. Stinson, does this mean I get to keep my job? 261 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,869 [ Sighs ] Yeah, Herm, you can stay. 262 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,873 Hey, baby, listen, I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out. 263 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,474 No, that's okay. 264 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:25,212 To be fair, maybe I'm at fault for loving our child too much, 265 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,580 although that is the definition of parenting, so-- 266 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:30,650 All right, good makeup. Hey, listen, I went online... 267 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,519 and I found this baby boot camp thing... 268 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,122 that they're doing at a hotel in Paramus this weekend. 269 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,825 Baby boot camp? That sounds great. 270 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,193 Yeah, it's a two-day event. We're going. 271 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,163 And there's lots of seminars and classes. You've already made the sale. 272 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,665 Anyway, I signed us up. Not even listening anymore. 273 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,401 Mentally packing and trying to figure out the best way to get to Paramus... 274 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,104 without hitting any tolls. This is gonna be great! 275 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:56,676 And that was the last time I'll ever go out with a guy with a mustache. 276 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,045 [ Both Laugh ] 277 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,113 [ Thinking ] This is good. This is nice. 278 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,815 Not thinking about you-know-who. 279 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,750 Just having a good time... 280 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,153 and thanking God I didn't grow that mustache. 281 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:09,322 And you, you're so polite. 282 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:13,226 My ex-fiancé, Wayne, he had no manners. 283 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,796 [ Thinking ] Wayne had no manners. Wayne Manners. 284 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,867 Wayne Manor, home of Bruce Wayne, 285 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,801 better known as Batman, 286 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,337 mentor to Dick Grayson, his orphaned ward, 287 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:29,076 who at night would don the colorful vestments of the Boy Wonder, a.k.a.-- 288 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,210 Robin! 289 00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,446 Holy long walk for a short drink of water, Ted. 290 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:36,616 Stop this. I need you out of my life for real. 291 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,118 You don't mean that. Yes, I do. 292 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,888 No, you don't. Look how much is changing right now. 293 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,256 Marshall and Lily are having a baby. 294 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,925 Barney's shacking up with a girl. 295 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,360 With your whole world turning upside down, 296 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,096 isn't a friendship like this one... 297 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,199 something you want to hold onto as tightly as possible? 298 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,437 Every time I look at you, it hurts. 299 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:01,141 And that's the story of my only lesbian experience. 300 00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:04,111 I'm sorry for going into so much detail. 301 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,479 I'll never tell that story again. 302 00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,148 Anyway, how's your meal? 303 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:12,019 Holly, listen, I should probably tell you, um, 304 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,021 I'm kind of getting over someone right now. 305 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,756 I am so glad you said that. 306 00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:21,661 I guess I'm still getting over Wayne. It's been really hard. 307 00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,696 Can I interest you in some sorbet? 308 00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:26,066 You two look like you could both use a palate cleanser. 309 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,405 Ohh. [ Exhales ] 310 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,607 How's your palate, Ted? 311 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,009 Pretty cleansed. 312 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,711 [ Both Chuckle ] 313 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:44,351 Oh. You know, at this seminar, there's gonna be the one guy who's like Mr. Parenting Expert. 314 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,854 Keeps interrupting the speakers with his own "important facts." 315 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:52,192 And you're gonna be sittin' right next to him, so get ready for that. 316 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,128 Baby, you've been a little sleep deprived lately. 317 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,863 Why don't you let me drive? 318 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,866 You know what? That's not such a bad idea. 319 00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:05,872 I mean, the last thing we want is for me to get behind the wheel and just-- 320 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,275 [ Snoring ] 321 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,679 [ Chuckles, Sniffs ] 322 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,547 Mmm. [ Sniffs ] 323 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:18,118 Oh, baby, you smell good. 324 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:23,156 When we get to that hotel, I'm gonna wear your pregnant belly like a hat. 325 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,125 You'll have to buy me a couple of cocktails first. 326 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,528 Bar-Barney? Where are we. 327 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,564 Atlantic City, baby! 328 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,466 Well, in 14 miles. 329 00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:40,840 What the hell is going on? 330 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:42,375 And where is Lily? 331 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,644 And what did you do to the practice baby? 332 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:47,047 And is there any left? 333 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:52,052 Lily was worried about you. She thought you needed to unwind, so-- 334 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:57,924 I mean, the last thing we want is for me to get behind the wheel and just-- 335 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,959 [ Snoring ] 336 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,631 [ Barney Narrating ] She made reservations for two deluxe rooms, massages... 337 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:08,268 and dinner at The Palm, and, in return, I made her cookies. 338 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,174 So there's no baby boot camp at the Paramus Waldorf? 339 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,544 Is there even a Paramus Waldorf? 340 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,978 Bro. 341 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:21,514 I am so mad at Lily right now. 342 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:25,118 She knew you would be. That's why she packed this. 343 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,689 Oh. My "mad at Lily" shirt. 344 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:34,527 I had this made for me and my high school girlfriend, Steph. 345 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,729 In reality, "Marshall and Steph forever"... 346 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:39,599 turned out to be "Marshall and Steph for two days... 347 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,602 until Steph's boyfriend got out of juvie a week early." 348 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,638 Drives Lily crazy when I wear it. 349 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:49,342 I hope she's miserable without me. 350 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,150 Hey, Ted. How's tricks? Tricks are pretty good, Lou. 351 00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:00,187 Had some girl trouble earlier in the week, but, uh, 352 00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:04,757 I got a feelin', from here on out, things are gonna be A-o-- You son of a bitch! 353 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,493 Hello. 354 00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,396 [ All Cheer ] Yeah! 355 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,497 Lily's right. 356 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,100 I've been acting crazy. Nah, it's okay, bro. 357 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,635 I mean, yeah, you've been a little crazy. 358 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,170 But it comes from love. 359 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:21,408 It's the same kind of crazy that makes a man offer his stripper girlfriend... 360 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,810 over half a million dollars of government bailout money... 361 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,678 not to rub up on other guys' junk. 362 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:26,913 It's good crazy. 363 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,516 [ All Groaning ] 364 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:33,853 I hope Lily's okay. Okay. 365 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,889 You know, that's it, bro. We're both turnin' off our phones for one hour. 366 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,024 Motion denied. 367 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,760 Okay, you leave me no choice. 368 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:44,731 Proposal: You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, 369 00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:47,667 during which we-- and by we, I mean you-- 370 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,570 get magnificently, mythologically drunk. 371 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:54,174 I'm talkin' needing subtitles when you speak drunk. 372 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,609 If you can give me that, 373 00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,978 I will wear this. 374 00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:02,415 The-The ducky tie? I thought you threw that thing away. 375 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,451 I did. 376 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,718 It came back. 377 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:09,389 All right, Barney. You got yourself a deal. 378 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,424 [ Laughs ] 379 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:15,295 Um, excuse me, miss. 380 00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:20,733 Um, when you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila, please? 381 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,169 I'll have the same. 382 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,642 - Why are you still here? - Why do you think I'm still here? 383 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:33,280 I guess because I'm in love with you. 384 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,848 Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look? 385 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,384 Because you feel bad. 386 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,086 Of course I feel bad. 387 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:44,991 I told you I love you, which is apparently the worst thing you can say to someone. 388 00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,926 That's not why you feel bad. 389 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:51,731 You feel bad because after you said it, you let me go away. 390 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:55,268 I know our relationship isn't exactly what you want it to be. 391 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,638 And I know I may not love you the way you love me, 392 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,641 but I do love you. 393 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,811 Isn't that worth hanging onto? 394 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,716 [ Sighs ] 395 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,719 I miss you. 396 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,887 So go get me back. 397 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:22,262 Ohh! Ahh! 398 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,764 Robin. Ted. 399 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,367 It's good to really see you. I mean, it's really good to see you. 400 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,868 Look, I think we need to talk. 401 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:32,071 Uh, me, too, but now's not a good time. Why not? 402 00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,106 I am proud of you, bro. 403 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,944 You turned off your phone for one hour, and you got so drunk-- 404 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,812 [ Mumbling ] 405 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,584 Exactly. 406 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,553 Hey, Zed. 407 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:47,820 Yes, Marshall? 408 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,357 [ Mumbling ] 409 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,991 Well, I don't see why not. 410 00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,193 [ Beeps ] 411 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:58,030 Whoa! I've got 17 new voice mails. 412 00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:01,301 Barney, it's Lily. You guys need to get back to New York right away. 413 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,802 I'm in labor. 414 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:07,740 Whoo! All hail Beercules! [ Laughing ] 415 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,843 Yeah! [ Laughs ] 416 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:21,020 All right, Barney. You got yourself a deal. 417 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:22,221 [ Laughs ] 418 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:29,462 Hey. You've reached Marshall. Please leave a message. [ Beeps ] 419 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,264 Hey, baby, it's me. 420 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,832 I think I'm in labor. 421 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,669 [ Laughs ] We should do this every weekend. 422 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,805 [ Beeps ] Okay, this is real. 423 00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:41,274 It's not a false alarm. This is real. I'm in labor. 424 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,676 I kind of need you to call me back now. 425 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:48,114 How does somebody so little have such strong fingers? 426 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,650 [ Beeps ] Where are you? Call me! 427 00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,620 He is the manager of the Paramus Waldorf. 428 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,524 You come to Paramus, we will hook you up! 429 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,426 [ Beeps ] If you're trying to get back at me, 430 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:03,663 you have chosen a wildly inappropriate way of doing so! 431 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,264 Oh, yeah. 432 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,534 Oh, yeah.