1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,836 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, in the spring of 2012, 2 00:00:02,903 --> 00:00:05,139 your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks. 3 00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:09,043 So I was relieved when I got a text asking me to come over to his place. 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:12,780 Glad to hear from you, buddy. I was worried something bad-- ** [ Men Chanting: Dirge ] 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,583 happened... to you. 6 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:18,619 - Welcome, Brother. - What is this? 7 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,421 Ted Evelyn Mosby, 8 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:23,491 you are about to be sworn to secrecy... 9 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:26,527 through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath-- 10 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:28,596 or... Broath. 11 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:32,866 Please put on your brobe. 12 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,902 Yeah, I'm not putting on the brobe. 13 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,804 Ted, just-- 14 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,240 Just-- Okay? 15 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:45,045 Wait, are they chanting "bro"? 16 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,647 * Bro * 17 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,949 I got some local monks to record this. 18 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,119 Yeah, I got a monk guy. Cool, right? 19 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,421 It actually is, yeah. I'll burn it for you. 20 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,356 Just remind me about it after the Broath. 21 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:58,025 Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby, 22 00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:01,129 this ritual forever binds you... 23 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,364 to keep a solemn secret. 24 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,498 Which is? 25 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,267 I really like this Quinn girl! 26 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,169 We've been spending tons of time together, 27 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,903 and I really want the gang to meet her. 28 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:12,840 But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, well, you know. 29 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,308 [ Ted Narrating ] I did know. 30 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,644 You see, Quinn was a stripper... 31 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,680 who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash. 32 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,549 We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's, 33 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,083 and I want them to keep an open mind. 34 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,885 Which brings us to the Broath. 35 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,921 Place your hand on the Bro Code. 36 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,957 [ Sighs ] Yeah. 37 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,859 Repeat after me. 38 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:35,563 I, Ted Evelyn Mosby-- 39 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:39,767 I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby-- 40 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:43,804 solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper. 41 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,974 solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper, 42 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,976 who duped you out of lots of money. 43 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,378 You're only supposed to repeat after me. 44 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,945 You're only supposed to repeat after me. 45 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:52,846 Stop it. Stop it. 46 00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,416 Silence! 47 00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:58,952 Look, I know that things started out sketchy with me and Quinn, 48 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,588 but I really like her, so, please-- 49 00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,456 Do you, 50 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:06,960 Ted "Middle Name Omitted" Mosby, 51 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,763 swear to uphold this Broath? 52 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,099 I do. 53 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:15,336 Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money. 54 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:17,905 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 55 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,475 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 56 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,316 ** [ Ends ] 57 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,384 Okay, time to go to Quinn's. 58 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,186 Now remember, I told you nothing, okay? 59 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,755 - Barney really wants us all to like her. - But how can we? 60 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,625 Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it. 61 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,093 Well, apparently the sex is mind-blowing. 62 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,863 [ Chuckles ] I've been there. Yeah. 63 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,398 I was once with this chick... 64 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,400 who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh, 65 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,637 whipped cream, a dog collar and a hot pink thong. 66 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:53,207 Marshall, you can't tell sex stories about "this chick," 67 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,343 because everyone knows it's me. 68 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,278 I'm the only woman you've ever been with. 69 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,712 It's not fair. 70 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,314 The guys are always telling their sex stories, 71 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,049 and I can top every one of 'em. 72 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:05,118 Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one. 73 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,154 Sweet talk is not gonna change my mind. 74 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,290 Let's focus. 75 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,325 Tonight, we wanna make sure... 76 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,126 that Quinn is not out to scam Barney. 77 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,597 So when we walk back through that door three hours from now, 78 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:19,467 we should all be able to answer one simple question-- 79 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,769 [ Tape Fast-Forwarding ] 80 00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,771 Do we trust this girl? 81 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:27,275 Well, for one thing, she seems kinda controlling. 82 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:30,210 Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face? 83 00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:32,780 No, save it for dessert. Idiot. 84 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,083 [ Laughing ] 85 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,653 Uh-- More red wine, beauty swan? 86 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,422 She drinks a lot. 87 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,625 Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb? 88 00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,894 No. You just went three hours ago. 89 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,662 You're right, baby bear. 90 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,800 [ Groans ] 91 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:57,037 Yes, so Barney's whipped. It doesn't mean that Quinn is a con artist. 92 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,507 Oh, maybe we could've gotten a better read on her... 93 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,443 if two people hadn't gone off topic. 94 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,878 By the way, Quinn, your apartment is amazing. 95 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,380 Aw, yeah, it's beautiful. 96 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,749 I'm actually moving out soon. 97 00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,485 If you know anyone looking for a sublet, this place is rent-controlled. 98 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,421 You would not believe what I pay. 99 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,690 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, things had been tense between Robin and I for weeks. 100 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:20,861 Ever since she moved out and I gave the apartment to Lily and Marshall, 101 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,297 I'd been crashing in university housing. 102 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,998 It's 10:00. 103 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:28,769 Damn it, Ned, Martin and Milly. People are trying to sleep. 104 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:31,939 Hey, you were young like us once, right? 105 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:35,275 I was never like you guys. 106 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:38,612 [ Ted Narrating ] And Robin was staying with her coworker Patrice. 107 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,715 You seemed so down today, Robin, I made you cookies. 108 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,284 Damn it, Patrice! Stop smothering me! 109 00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,788 So when Quinn said her apartment was available-- 110 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,360 - Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. - It's mine, it's mine, it's mine. 111 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:55,396 We got off topic? What about Marshall? 112 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:59,266 Hey, I was just going along with whoever suggested we play that game. 113 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:03,170 Hey, let's play a game. Uh, "craziest sex in public" story. I'll start. 114 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:07,375 I was once with this chick who loved to get freaky in elevators. 115 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:12,145 Doors would close-- suddenly she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat. 116 00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:14,114 [ Panting ] 117 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:17,785 - Marshall, stop. - I never said that it was you. 118 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:21,855 Okay, so anyway, last August, I go bareback with this same slut. 119 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,725 She gets pregnant-- bitch is even hornier. 120 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,194 Oh, yeah? 121 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,464 I was once with this dude who I caught eating a sandwich during sex. 122 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:33,300 Big old meatball falls out, lands on my back, 123 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,936 rolls onto the elevator floor. 124 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,406 Hmm. Disgusting, right? 125 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:41,274 What? I never said it was you. 126 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:44,645 Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser focused as you guys. 127 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,247 Hey, at least I got some evidence. 128 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,517 Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom. 129 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,619 Barney's taking her to Hawaii. 130 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,387 Lily, you snooped through her stuff? 131 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:57,458 No. It's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk drawer... 132 00:05:57,525 --> 00:06:01,194 with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary. 133 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:04,965 First-class tickets, a four-star hotel. These cost Barney a fortune. 134 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:08,669 Yeah. This proves Quinn is totally using him for his money. 135 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,170 You know what? Lily, enough. 136 00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:12,640 Guys, even if you're right about Quinn, this is Barney. 137 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,410 He'll come to his senses. I give this whole thing a week, two weeks tops. 138 00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,679 And now we have an announcement. 139 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,614 Can I tell 'em? No. 140 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,483 We're moving in together. 141 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:26,153 Congrats. I'm so happy for you. 142 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,956 - We gotta end this. - [ Ted, Lily, Robin ] Yep. 143 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,695 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, as you recall, 144 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:38,599 our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know they were making a mistake. 145 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:44,004 - Where have you been? - Uh, worth it. Hang on. 146 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,639 Hey. 147 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,648 You know we would've hated ourselves, right? 148 00:06:57,150 --> 00:07:01,088 So, did Robin tell you the incredibly devious thing she did today? 149 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,189 Me? 150 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,559 Hey. So, I just happened to be in the neighborhood... 151 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:10,197 and I thought,"Man, Quinn is in such great shape. She must love fruit." 152 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,866 So, unrelated, 153 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,768 how's the search for a "subletter" going? 154 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:18,071 This is such a weird coincidence. 155 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,541 Robin also just happened to be in the neighborhood... 156 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:23,644 with a bottle of wine and her credit scores. 157 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:25,879 [ Cork Pops ] 158 00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,152 I can't believe you two. 159 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,521 What do you care about more-- 160 00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,355 protecting your friend from getting hurt... 161 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,157 or scoring this girl's apartment? 162 00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,759 There's a working fireplace. 163 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,461 Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong! 164 00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,163 You guys should be ashamed. 165 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:46,166 Speaking of shame, I was once with this chick... 166 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:48,569 who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket... 167 00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:51,271 while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's. 168 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:54,274 - Gross. - We share appetizers. 169 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:59,312 Okay. Well, I was once with a dude who couldn't even fantasize about a three-way. 170 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,850 - He was all, "Ooh, she's your best friend." - What now? 171 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,118 I was once with a chick who wanted to get it on... 172 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,387 during a school production of Peter Pan. 173 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,089 Well, I-- Wait, that wasn't me. 174 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,760 So back to Patrice and this ironing issue. 175 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,328 I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with. 176 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,098 Anything serious. Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me... 177 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,635 getting to second base in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli. 178 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,672 Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby. 179 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,308 What's going on? 180 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,111 Barney, this is an intervention. 181 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,746 [ Clears Throat ] 182 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,982 A "Quinntervention." 183 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,919 You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her. 184 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,722 We're just looking out for your best interests. 185 00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:44,091 [ Clears Throat ] 186 00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,560 "Quinnterests." 187 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,896 I don't understand. Wha-- 188 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,564 Wait a second. 189 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:53,066 Ted Evelyn Mosby, 190 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,535 you broke the Broath. 191 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,470 How dare you! 192 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,740 A Broath is the most sacred bond between-- 193 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,609 Okay, yeah, I did. 194 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,177 Are you aware that breaking a Broath... 195 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:08,281 can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? 196 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,150 Have ya studied history, Ted? 197 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:13,386 Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so-- 198 00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,789 The tragic cost of a broken Broath... 199 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:19,627 dates back to ancient Broman times. 200 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,530 Hey, Brotus. 201 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:28,335 You'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right? 202 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,739 Um, totally, Caesar. 203 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,174 Paranoid much? [ Chuckles ] 204 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,443 Just to be sure, 205 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,679 can you swear a Broath to me? 206 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:41,014 Sure. I swear. 207 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,853 Thanks. You've always got my back. 208 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:49,723 ** [ Whistling ] 209 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,976 Et tu, Bro-te? 210 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,413 [ Gasping ] 211 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:18,351 And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad. 212 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:19,820 True story. 213 00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:22,723 Quinn lied to you. She manipulated you. 214 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,524 What if she's just using you? 215 00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:27,795 - She's not just using me. - What about the expensive trip to Hawaii? 216 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,731 What expensive trip to Hawaii? 217 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,632 The one I got for you. 218 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,836 That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney. 219 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,471 He asked me to meet him here. 220 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,573 What's going on, you guys? 221 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,642 Tell her. 222 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:46,446 [ Scoffs ] Fine. I'll fill her in. 223 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:51,318 And I am so angry, I am not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in." 224 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,187 Which I did three times last night. Self-five. 225 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,456 My friends think you're wrong for me, 226 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,692 so they're having an intervention. 227 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,460 [ Clears Throat ] 228 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,196 A "Quinntervention." 229 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,832 I don't understand. 230 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,800 Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so-- 231 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,336 I'll explain. 232 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,740 I made Ted promise not to tell them what you do, 233 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,008 but he did, and now they don't trust you. 234 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:18,578 Wow. That really hurts. 235 00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:23,116 But what's even worse is that you felt the need to lie about me. 236 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:27,320 I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney, but you clearly are. 237 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,858 I'm not ashamed of you. I just didn't want them to judge you without-- 238 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,692 Maybe we are moving too fast. 239 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,694 What? What is that supposed to mean? 240 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,797 I don't think I can do this. 241 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:40,100 Wait. Are you ending things, just like that? 242 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,270 If you walk out that door, you prove them right. 243 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,638 You prove that you're just some heartless stripper... 244 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,307 who never gave a damn about me-- 245 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,745 Don't call me. 246 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,447 [ Sighs ] 247 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:58,786 Wow. That was intense. 248 00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,487 [ Clears Throat ] 249 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,093 [ Sighs ] 250 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:09,029 We just destroyed what could have been... 251 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,398 a once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness. 252 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,666 I know. I feel guilty too. 253 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,236 [ Sighs ] Fireplace, balcony, 254 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,638 hardwood floors. 255 00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:20,140 Okay, I'll just say it. 256 00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,842 After everything that happened between us, 257 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,845 I can't believe you wouldn't back down and let me have Quinn's place. 258 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,514 Ted, can I talk to you out in the hall? 259 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:35,122 Has it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? 260 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:38,959 In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, 261 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,594 I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment. 262 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,797 And now I'm about to lose my job. 263 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,799 What do you mean? [ Sighs ] 264 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:49,136 I've been completely distracted at work. 265 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,872 And now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, 266 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:55,742 which, around the office, is known as "fire o'clock." 267 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,544 I had no idea. 268 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,246 How could you? 269 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,181 The one person I want to talk to most... 270 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,050 barely looks me in the eye anymore, 271 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,352 much less returns my calls. 272 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:08,221 Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me. 273 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:11,992 And I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back. 274 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:16,930 But damn it, this-this sucks for me too. 275 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,133 I-- I miss you. 276 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,037 Is there any way we can just... 277 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,573 go back to normal? 278 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:32,145 I don't think I can do normal anymore. 279 00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,717 Barney still isn't answering. 280 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,353 We gotta go find him and apologize. 281 00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,459 Qu-- Oh. I thought you were Quinn. 282 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,096 Barney, we're so sorry. 283 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,264 We never should've meddled like that. 284 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,367 - Can you forgive us? - I don't know. You had no right to do that. 285 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,169 How can we make it up to you, buddy? 286 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,106 ** [ Men Chanting: Dirge ] 287 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,175 I, one of Barney's best friends-- 288 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:05,012 [ All ] I, one of Barney's best friends-- 289 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:08,648 promise never to interfere with his personal life again-- 290 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:12,986 promise never to interfere with his personal life again-- 291 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,323 unless it's an issue of health, national security... 292 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,291 or he's about to get up on a fatty. 293 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,896 unless it's an issue of health, national security... 294 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,933 or he's about to get up on a fatty. 295 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:30,137 And now, to seal this sacred vow, 296 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,338 the two ladies will kiss. 297 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:34,541 - Barney-- - The two ladies will kiss. 298 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,715 Lil? [ Chuckles ] 299 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,117 Okay. 300 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:46,119 - And now the gentlemen. - Dude. 301 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:49,089 And now the gentlemen. 302 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,926 This is-- I feel so silly. 303 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,965 Don't touch my face. 304 00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,804 I was going to say, "And now the gentlemen bump fists." 305 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,640 How long you been holdin' back that one? 306 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:11,244 Hot stuff, fellas. Did I see a little tongue in there? 307 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,181 I don't understand. 308 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:18,718 Well, if these two will keep their sweaty paws off each other for half a sec, I'll explain. 309 00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,520 It all started a couple of days ago. 310 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,423 I want you to meet my friends. Should I be nervous? 311 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,625 Is it like bringing me home to meet your parents? 312 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,428 No, no, no. Much more stressful than that. 313 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,330 You see, my friends, while awesome, 314 00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:33,300 can be presumptuous, meddlesome and downright destructive. 315 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,468 When they learn what you do and how we met, 316 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,837 they'll probably try to break us up. 317 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,773 So let's have some fun with them, mess with their heads. 318 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,776 Are you saying... evil plan? 319 00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,478 Hells to the yes. 320 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,680 My God, you're hot. 321 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,116 Wait for it. [ Grunts ] 322 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,617 Here's what we'll do. 323 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,753 I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone what he knows about you, 324 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,355 and he'll cave immediately. 325 00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,924 Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money. 326 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,659 [ Barney ] Next, we invite everyone over. 327 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:02,662 I'll keep saying stuff like, "Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face?" 328 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:05,298 [ Quinn ] And I'll be the bossy bitch who says, "No, save it for dessert. 329 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,367 Idiot." [ Barney ] Nice. 330 00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,237 And finally, we'll announce-- We're moving in together. 331 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:14,741 I've got an idea. Let's get your friends Ted and Robin fighting over my apartment. 332 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,245 Wait. What does that have do with you and me? Nothing. I just worship chaos. 333 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,047 I can't handle how hot you are right now. 334 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,681 Wait for it. [ Groans ] 335 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,951 Next, they'll try to talk me into dumping you-- 336 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,286 [ Quinn ] And I'll walk in on it. 337 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:27,754 [ Barney ] Then we pretend to break up. 338 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,257 And when they crawl back, begging for forgiveness, 339 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,592 I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook. 340 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,927 [ Quinn ] Or make the monkeys dance for you. 341 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,696 [ Barney ] God, you're smart. 342 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,399 It's gonna be legen-- 343 00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,868 I'm not waiting for it anymore. 344 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,003 ...dary. 345 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,640 My God. You two are-- 346 00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,176 Perfect together. 347 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,111 So you're not really moving in? 348 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:54,481 Well, it started out as a joke, but the more we talked about it-- 349 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:58,418 The more excited we got. So, yeah, we are. 350 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:01,488 You have anything to say about that? 351 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,824 Congratulations, guys. So happy for you. 352 00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,327 Oh, my gosh. Thank you. 353 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,029 Hey. Congrats. Thank you. 354 00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:14,101 You two realize this means my apartment really is up for grabs, right? 355 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,705 I'm sure I'll find something else. Me too. 356 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,006 Yeah? 357 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,942 [ Ted Narrating ] And that's the story of how we met Quinn. 358 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:26,946 That Friday, I met Robin to see how it went at "fire o'clock." 359 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,649 They promoted me to on-air talent. 360 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:32,085 I'm gonna be Sandy Rivers's new cohost. 361 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,521 Oh, my God. How'd that happen? 362 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,557 Well, remember New Year's Eve, when I filled in for Sandy? 363 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,193 It turns out the C.E.O. of World Wide News liked me. 364 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:43,730 He said I have moxie. So he's a 1940s gangster? 365 00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:45,798 [ Laughs ] Apparently. 366 00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,834 And I got a big raise, 367 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,870 so, um, I'm taking this apartment on Central Park West, 368 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,472 which means-- 369 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,275 Quinn's apartment. I already told her you'd take it. 370 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,912 Wow. Thanks. Yeah. 371 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,649 Hey, and congrats. You deserve it all. 372 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,254 You know, I've been thinking about it, and, um, 373 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,089 I can do normal. 374 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,825 To back to normal. To back to normal. 375 00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:15,195 [ Chuckling ] 376 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,704 Uh, I-I should get going. 377 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,106 Yeah, you've got a lot to do. Totally. 378 00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,508 See you soon. See you soon. 379 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,477 Yeah. 380 00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,079 [ Ted Narrating ] We wouldn't see each other for a long time. 381 00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,182 But I'll get to that. 382 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,116 Listen, um, 383 00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:41,154 about me getting to second base in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli-- 384 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,089 I don't know what you're talking about. 385 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:45,091 I've already forgotten about that dumb ho-bag. 386 00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:49,329 Yeah. Um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan. 387 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:52,832 It happened while I was playing Peter Pan. 388 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,135 Here's a photo from the day I was cast. 389 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,438 That's me in the middle. 390 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,540 But then I had my growth spurt. 391 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:03,843 By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness, 392 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,845 and, well, 393 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:12,519 I fell hands first right onto Jenna Cristalli. 394 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,622 The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists. 395 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:19,426 I'm sorry. I just wanted to have one cool sex story that wasn't you. 396 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,261 Okay. Next time you tell it, 397 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:26,399 you were in your dad's car, which you stole to go to a Metallica concert, 398 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,836 and you got to third base with that slut. 399 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:35,975 I was once with this chick... 400 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,345 who is just the best wife ever. 401 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:42,215 [ Man ] * I will throw myself * 402 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,317 Thank you for being so cool about what I do. 403 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,152 A lot of guys would be weird or jealous. 404 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:49,556 Are you kidding? Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil. 405 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,364 I mean, if you ever wanted to stop stripping, I'd support it. 406 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,632 If you wanted to. 407 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,868 Uh-huh. So, you are jealous. 408 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,936 What? No. No, not at all. 409 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,906 I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to hang up the ol' G-string, 410 00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,675 I'd completely understand. 411 00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,744 Nah. I like taking my clothes off for money. 412 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,881 Great. [ Mumbling ] 413 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:19,686 Hypothetically, what would make you stop? 414 00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,921 Hypothetically, 415 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:25,725 I would stop stripping if I ever got married. 416 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,762 Good night. 417 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:39,639 And then we agreed to go back to normal. 418 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,975 But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends. 419 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:48,047 Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin, 420 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:50,016 2005 to the present. 421 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,551 What do you think? 422 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:54,687 I think your stories are way too long. 423 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:58,224 I feel bad for his future kids, dude. [ Laughs ] 424 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:01,728 Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories. 425 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:07,300 They're gonna-- They're gonna love my stories.