1
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,373
Sorry this
is taking so long.

2
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,775
He kicked
for everybody else.

3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,244
It's hard
for the little guy
to perform under pressure.

4
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,346
"Top 10 things Marshall
said on his wedding night."

5
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,783
Whoa! It was small,
but I think
I felt something.

6
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,851
"Top 10 things
Lily said on her
wedding night."

7
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:19,887
Stop laughing
at it, Lily.

8
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,789
[ Together ]
"Top 10 things Marshall
said on his wedding night!"

9
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,225
Can we please
talk about something
other than my wedding night?

10
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,894
Absolutely.
Let's talk
about last night.

11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,197
It was a night
like any other.

12
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,199
I was just about
to get laid--

13
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,201
Hey, Barney,
I need your help.

14
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:36,404
This hottie I'm talking to
is meeting her friend at a club,
so I need a wingman.

15
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:39,873
- Just so you know, I'd be
giving up a sure thing here.
- Hey!

16
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,575
Are you not
a sure thing?

17
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,711
Yeah, I am.

18
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,949
This "friend" of yours
better be even hotter
and dumber than this one.

19
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:52,320
Wow! You have
enormous penis syndrome?

20
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,887
I've never heard of that.

21
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,924
Yeah, that's the problem
with E.P.S.
Lack of awareness.

22
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,627
That's why I'm organizing
a 10K fun-run.

23
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,230
Of course, many of us
will need wheelbarrows.

24
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:04,765
You are so brave.

25
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,800
And you are
so understanding.

26
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:11,505
Most people just stare at me,
like I'm some kind of freak
in reinforced underwear.

27
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:16,877
Poor baby. I can't imagine
what you're going through
because I never wear underwear.

28
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,146
[ Coughs ]
Jackpot.

29
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,747
You wanna get out of here?

30
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:22,350
Oh, I don't know.
This is all moving
kind of fast-- Okay.

31
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:26,687
Oh, but before we go,
I should mention my condition.

32
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:30,191
It's called
"I'm not a gullible
dumb ass disorder."

33
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:33,494
As the former Surgeon General,
I've gotta say I don't think
that's a real thing.

34
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:36,330
Okay, just stop.
You have no chance with me.

35
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,166
We're just here
as backups for our friends.

36
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:41,469
- Hey, how did you two meet--
- No. We're not doing
that first date dance,

37
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,504
where you pretend everything
I say is fascinating,

38
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,739
thinking it'll somehow
get you into my pants.

39
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,541
What?
Guys don't do that.

40
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,010
[ Ted ]
Goat cheese?
Fascinating.

41
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,745
What else are you
allergic to, huh?

42
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:56,584
You owe me three hours
for last night, Mosby.

43
00:01:56,650 --> 00:02:01,422
I'm thinking...
laser tag tournament
in Newark this weekend.

44
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:04,392
Ted can pass
for under 18, right?
It's a father-son thing.

45
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:08,229
Marshall, we should get going.
Any later and we'll be riding
the drunk train.

46
00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,964
- The drunk train?
- It's the last train of
the night back to Long Island.

47
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:14,535
- It's a mess.
- It's just a bunch
of drunk, sloppy idiots,

48
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:17,438
fresh off a night
of partying in the city,

49
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,973
just desperate to hook up
with anything that moves.
Yeah.

50
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,875
- Bye.
- [ Marshall ]
See you.

51
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,045
New plan, Ted.

52
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,680
So this father-son thing?

53
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,149
A backwards baseball cap
really youngs me down.
[ Train Car Rattling ]

54
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:32,186
All aboard!
[ Train Whistles ]

55
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,755
** [ Upbeat Pop ]

56
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,292
** [ Man Vocalizing ]

57
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,233
** [ Ends ]

58
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,567
[ Ted Narrating ]
For Valentine's weekend,

59
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,436
Lily and Marshall invited
Kevin and Robin...

60
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,504
on a couple's getaway
to Vermont.

61
00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:51,705
Mmm.
Mmm.

62
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,107
Sixteen years together
and still so in love.

63
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,643
What's your secret?

64
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,312
The key to relationships is
understanding the difference...

65
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,481
between hearing and listening.

66
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:01,982
It's about respecting
your partner's--

67
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,251
Opinions on ev--

68
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,219
Shh, shh, shh.
Kind of on a roll here.

69
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:08,422
Relationships are
a give and take,

70
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:12,025
and that's why it's important
to never keep score.

71
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:15,596
Yeah, like how Barney's holding
these three hours over Ted's
head.

72
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,731
If they were a couple,
they'd never work.

73
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:21,034
Obviously. Ted's a Taurus,
and Barney is such a Scorpio.

74
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,570
Good advice.
Don't keep score.

75
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,238
They're not even close
to finished.

76
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:25,906
How do we not
keep score, you ask?

77
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:29,677
Ooh! Sounds like somebody wants
to hear some examples, sweetie.

78
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,212
I'm just gonna close my eyes
until it's all over.

79
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,214
"Top 10 things Lily said on her
wedding night."

80
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,149
Solid.

81
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,820
Here's one. Every time
Marshall's mom comes
to visit us,

82
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:44,458
we have to put out all
the tacky Minnesota gifts
she's bought us over the years.

83
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,461
Hi, Mom!
Hi, Mrs. Eriksen!

84
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,563
Hello, Marshall.
Oh!

85
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,266
Uh-huh.

86
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:56,570
I don't see the gopher hair
tea cozy I made you.

87
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:57,771
[ Sighs ]

88
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,740
Guess it wasn't
good enough for Lily.

89
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,910
But I'd never hold that over
Marshall because if I did,

90
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:05,379
he'd owe me big time.

91
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,481
Just like I would never
hold it over you...

92
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:10,484
for dragging me to that
experimental theater piece.

93
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:13,253
[ Woman Screaming ]

94
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,823
[ Screaming Continues ]

95
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,595
Is it--
Is it just screaming?

96
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,633
But we don't keep score.

97
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,768
Gotcha, loud and clear.
Don't keep score.

98
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,970
Because if we did,
Marshall would owe me...

99
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,472
for killing my cousin's dog.

100
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:33,607
How did I know that
he would eat my wallet?

101
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:35,443
Why was your wallet
filled with chocolate?

102
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,777
So we're back
to this argument.

103
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,614
[ Ted Narrating ]
That night, Barney
and I found ourselves...

104
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:42,883
in a strange new
universe called--

105
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,218
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
"The Drunk Train."

106
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,720
Hey!

107
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:53,561
Where has
this heavenly vehicle
been all my life?

108
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,063
Can you hear
its inspiring chant, Ted?

109
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,467
[ Imitating Chugging Of Train ]
"I think I can get laid.
I think I can get laid."

110
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,902
It's-It's
The Little Engine with Wood.

111
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,637
The Whore-ient Express.

112
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,706
The Long Island Tail Road.

113
00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,275
Oh. I got one.
Thomas the Spank Engine.

114
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,578
Ted, that is
a children's book.

115
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:14,314
[ Bottle Shatters ]

116
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:18,251
Okay, as fun as this
place is, it's late.
So, what's our play?

117
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,221
Don't say "The Siamese Twins."
We're not stretching out
another one of my jackets.

118
00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:24,992
[ Laughs ] No, dude.
This is the drunk train.
We don't need a play.

119
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:29,062
All we have to do
is sit back, play it cool,
scope out the hotties,

120
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:32,966
and by the end of the line,
we will totally be
sleeping with someone.

121
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,335
[ Both Snoring ]

122
00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:36,804
[ Bottle Shatters ]

123
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:41,174
You know,
you are so great.

124
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:45,078
You sat there listening
to Marshall and Lily
bicker all night,

125
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,580
and you didn't complain once.

126
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:49,783
Well, I am a therapist,
so I do plan on billing them.

127
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,852
I also have a couple
of powerful medications
that might help.

128
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,588
- Lily can't take anything.
She's pregnant.
- No, I meant for us.

129
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:57,591
If we're getting through
five more meals and
a sleigh ride with those guys,

130
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,527
we need to be
spaced out of our gourds.

131
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:03,964
[ Chuckling ]
Well, if we are keeping score,
I owe you one weekend, mister.

132
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,866
I was thinking
a little longer than that.

133
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,601
What do you mean?

134
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,507
Robin, will you marry me?

135
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:23,484
Look, I know this is fast.
I'm just excited to start
a life with you.

136
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,885
If that's what you want.

137
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:30,458
Wow. Wow. Um--

138
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:35,362
[ Stammers ]
I'm not saying no.
I'm not saying anything.

139
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,799
I just, um, I-I-I need
some time to think?

140
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:42,803
I totally understand.
Take as much time as you need.

141
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,039
I'll just, uh--
I'll just keep this here
until you're ready.

142
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,642
[ Sighing ]

143
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,016
Any chance we could put
that bad boy away for now?

144
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,751
It's really just
staring at us, isn't it?

145
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,722
[ Panting ]
Ted! Ted! Ted!

146
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:04,157
I thought of some new
great names for the drunk train.

147
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,159
- Slamtrak!
- Mm-hmm.

148
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,729
The Chatta-nooky Choo-choo.

149
00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:10,397
Thomas the Spank Engine!

150
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:13,400
- I said that one yesterday.
- [ Squeaky Tone ]
I don't think you did.

151
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,402
Wow! Someone's had some coffee.

152
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:16,837
Yeah. 18 cups!

153
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:19,573
There is no way
I'm falling asleep tonight.

154
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,710
That Quinn girl is so wrong.

155
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,246
She said I could
never love anything.
But I love this train!

156
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,982
She said you could
never love anything?
That's intense.

157
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,918
Oh, you have no idea.

158
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,923
Stop staring.
Not gonna happen.
[ Huffs ]

159
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,492
Is there any way
we can start over
and get to know each other?

160
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:41,529
- I already know you.
- Oh, really.

161
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:44,097
- You wear a suit all the time.
- Obviously.

162
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,566
You have a stupid rule
about everything.

163
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,569
I pay for the meal.
You handle my deal.
That's just good manners.

164
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:52,039
But you end up most nights
alone at a strip club,
feeling empty inside,

165
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:57,144
telling yourself your life
is somehow epic or classic
or... legendary.

166
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:01,348
I never say epic
or classic.

167
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,016
Do you practice
the dark arts?

168
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:07,087
No! They did not forget
the potato salad in your
take-out order!

169
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,189
[ Imitates Explosion ]
Wh-What happened next?

170
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,260
For the last time,
I'm sorry.
It's okay.

171
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:17,097
Your debt is paid.
You don't have to come
on the drunk train anymore.

172
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,832
You're never gonna meet
"the one" there anyway.

173
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,068
- Oh, screw "the one."
- What?

174
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,004
Every date
I've been on lately
has been brutal.

175
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:27,675
Last week, I went out
with a girl whose
favorite band was Glee.

176
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,943
Plus, it's almost
Valentine's Day,
and I'm alone,

177
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,145
without anything close
to a girlfriend.

178
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,648
So... all aboard!

179
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,652
[ Fakes Crying ]
I have never been
more proud of you.

180
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,488
Come on. Ted--

181
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:45,793
Tonight is gonna be epic--
wait for it ...dary!

182
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:49,129
Wait, no, that's not it.
How do I usually say it?
Ah! I hate this Quinn girl!

183
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:53,500
Well.

184
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,604
I propose we order
a bottle of wine.
[ Softly ] Propose.

185
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,439
Not propose. Suggest.
I'm not married to the idea.
Lily, take it.

186
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:02,075
Why don't we get
an appetizer?

187
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:05,045
How about the onion rings?
I mean, diamond rings.

188
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:08,782
I mean, diamond circles.
I mean, onion circles.

189
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:12,586
I know they're fattening,
but I hear this place
has great onion circles.

190
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,856
So, Robin,
about not telling them?

191
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,628
[ Robin ]
Green salad
looks interesting.

192
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,064
You're so much better
without him.

193
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:26,800
If you ask me,
Vinny's a real jerk.

194
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,903
- Hey, don't you dare
bad-mouth Vinny.
- Ow!

195
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:33,240
So what do you do?
Well, I teach
architecture and--

196
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:36,009
Oh. Big man with a job.
You think you're
better than me?

197
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,244
What!

198
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,779
[ Chuckles, Grunts ]

199
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:43,050
So, where do you live?
I'm on
the Upper West Side.

200
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,786
Oh. Big man.
Living in Manhattan.

201
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,755
What? You think
you're better than me?

202
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,690
Hey!

203
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,929
Hey-ey-ey-ey!

204
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,631
You think you're
better than me?

205
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,701
Well,
it's a close one.

206
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:04,872
Lily made 14 awkward
references to marriage,
and Marshall made an even 60.

207
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:08,508
- I'm so sorry, Kevin.
- It's okay.
I'm gonna go to bed.

208
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:11,144
But do you guys think
tomorrow we can stop
with all the marriage talk?

209
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:11,945
[ Together ]
I do.

210
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,781
That's a half a point each.

211
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,684
See you in a minute.

212
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,852
[ Robin Sighs ]

213
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,254
So, are you any
closer to deciding?
Ooh!

214
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:25,793
Uh, well,
there is something
you don't know.

215
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,662
Um, can you guys
keep a secret?

216
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:32,132
Well, some of us can.

217
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:35,335
Well, there's something
I have been keeping
from everyone...

218
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,970
for the last couple
of months.

219
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:42,142
Um. I found out that
I can't have children.

220
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:47,948
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.

221
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:50,250
Are you okay?
I can't believe
that we didn't know.

222
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:54,254
No. You know, I've had
some time to deal
with this by myself.

223
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,523
And... I'm okay.

224
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,590
[ Sighs ]
For real.

225
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,227
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

226
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:06,333
So, even though I love Kevin,
and I think I wanna say yes,

227
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,901
I can't until I tell him.

228
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,471
But I'm scared it'll
end our relationship.

229
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:14,708
You know what? Robin,
if it's meant to be,
then it won't matter.

230
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,977
Yeah. You-You just
have to tell him.

231
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:22,115
Ah. Thank God we had
the keys to Marshall
and Lily's place.

232
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,418
Pretty sure I told
you that before you
kicked in that side window.

233
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:29,757
You mean before the "burglars"
kicked in that side window...

234
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:32,459
and stole all
of Lily's underwear.

235
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,861
[ Groans ]

236
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,196
What the hell happened
on that train?

237
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,965
It was absolute chaos.

238
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,769
Ted, when I was at M.I.T.,
my favorite Einstein quote was,

239
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,904
"God doesn't play dice
with the universe."

240
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,438
You didn't go to M.I.T.

241
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:47,975
I didn't?

242
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,278
Huh. I actually have no idea
where you went to college.

243
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,681
Who are you?

244
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:59,086
Hmm. If we analyze the seemingly
random patterns of the train,

245
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:04,324
taking into account standard
deviation and assuming that
epsilon approaches zero...

246
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:08,261
as angle delta approaches pi,
we can conclude--

247
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,097
[ Snoring ]

248
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,265
Damn it, Ted.

249
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:15,302
I was about to drop
some sweet wordplay
about logarithms...

250
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:17,637
and getting into a rhythm
with my log.

251
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:20,373
[ Snoring ]
I'll remember it.

252
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,543
[ Ted Narrating ]
The next morning, Robin mustered
up all her courage...

253
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,913
and finally told Kevin
her secret.

254
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,281
I know that this is
a lot to process, so--

255
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:32,052
You take all
the time you need.
And I understand--

256
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,486
Robin.

257
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,989
Will you marry me?

258
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,391
Yes.

259
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,166
Hmm.
What are you doing?

260
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,601
If the top speed
of the drunk train
is 73 miles per hour,

261
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,538
and you factor in
an aggregate of 32 boobs
per car,

262
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,207
28 of which
are motorboatable,
and you divide that by--

263
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,477
No, no, no!
This is all wrong!

264
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:03,851
It should be so simple.
I mean, it's the drunk train.

265
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,187
My God!

266
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:10,223
It's been right
in front of us
the whole time.

267
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,734
** [ Bells Ringing ]

268
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,804
** [ Angelic Chorus ]

269
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:29,309
Get drunk.
Yeah.

270
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,777
Of course.

271
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:33,847
[ Sighs ]
Good circling, Ted.

272
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,950
This ain't my
first word search.
[ Sighs ]

273
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,955
So my mom's already picked
a date, venue and caterer
for the wedding,

274
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:44,057
but nothing's
set in stone.

275
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,994
My great-aunt's
gonna sing.
That's happening.

276
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,461
Are you really
okay with this?

277
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,931
Yeah, she's actually
got a decent voice.

278
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:55,135
No. Are you--
Are you okay with everything
that we talked about?

279
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,205
Of course, Robin.
I love you.

280
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,173
Besides, there are
other ways to have kids.

281
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,508
There's adoption,
surrogacy--

282
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,912
No. Kevin, it's not just
that I can't have kids.

283
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:07,347
I don't want kids.

284
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:11,551
Oh. Okay.

285
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:15,755
Knowing that,
do you wanna take
your proposal back?

286
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,125
Will you marry me?

287
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,292
Oh.

288
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,528
You take such
good care of me.

289
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:24,864
Thanks for loaning me your shoes
for my swollen feet.

290
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,733
[ Groans ]
I owe you one.

291
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,336
- We have to stop this.
- Stop what?

292
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,271
Keeping score.

293
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,842
You're growing a baby.
Our baby.

294
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:39,546
So you're officially
ahead of me for life.

295
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:42,149
Oh, thanks, sweetie.

296
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,685
Once we're parents,
we have to be a team.
Deal?

297
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,187
[ Baby Crying ]
It's your turn.

298
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:50,523
I was on point for six
straight hours yesterday!

299
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:53,460
Two of those hours
were a nap,
and you know it!

300
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,062
Let's go to the board!

301
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,265
[ Crying Continues ]
[ Huffs ]

302
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,534
I hope it's
a soupy deuce, sucka.

303
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,503
[ Laughs ]

304
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,039
Deal. We're a team.

305
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,346
I was all,
"Do I look like
I'm from Ronkonkoma?"

306
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,048
[ All ]
Ohh!

307
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,316
[ Indistinct ]

308
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,851
Oh, oh, oh!
Big man
with a briefcase.

309
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,589
What, do ya think
you're better than me?
[ All Laughing ]

310
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,458
Hey, our stop's next.
Do you wanna join us?

311
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,995
Uh, yeah, I think we do.
Nah, we're good.

312
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:30,097
Too skanky.

313
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,498
Too skanky?
[ Grunts ]

314
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:32,799
It's the drunk train.

315
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:36,069
You crossed out
all the stops
and wrote "Vaginaville."

316
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,039
That's not true.

317
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,041
That one says
"Boner Gardens."
[ Snorts ]

318
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,676
What's going on?

319
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:47,680
Wait. Did that Quinn girl
shake your game or something?

320
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,082
Hell no!

321
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,518
[ Mutters ]
At the end
of the night--

322
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:56,156
You know, I went out tonight
looking for a cheap,
meaningless fling.

323
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,625
But you turned out
to be so special.

324
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,394
I'd hate to ruin
this friendship
with sex.

325
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,731
Ohh. Oh, I am willing
to take that risk.
[ Laughs ]

326
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,399
Good one, Ted.

327
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,537
Anyway, I'm seriously
contemplating purchasing
a new ironing board.

328
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,005
Do you think--

329
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,709
Okay, I'll give you this.

330
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:21,614
You stood by your boy all night,
even though you had no chance
of getting with me.

331
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:22,982
That was pretty cool.

332
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:26,086
Yeah, you know,
in retrospect, I think
that was the moment...

333
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,888
you decided to come back
to my place and get nasty.

334
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:31,358
Ha, ha! Yeah, right.

335
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,660
- Get up.
You're on my bra.
- Sorry.

336
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,631
- Where's your bathroom?
- Past the kitchen,
down the hall.

337
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:44,871
See, I feel like
I would remember...

338
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,607
you two being naked
on your couch
in the middle of the club.

339
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:52,945
Oh, right.
That was later, in my apartment,
after we got nasty. My bad.

340
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,747
So you wanna go
to a diner or something?

341
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,450
- Whoa-- Wait!
You slept with her?
- I know, I know.

342
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:01,020
I'm late on sending
the pictures.
I've been swamped.

343
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,455
You like Quinn.
I--

344
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,657
Ah! That's why
you can't stop
complaining about her,

345
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,659
and that's why you tanked
our chances with these--

346
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,796
[ Stammering ]
l-l-lovely innocent flowers.

347
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,264
I don't even care
where we go,

348
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,166
but I hate doing it
on the ground.

349
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,937
Barney, do you know why
I'm on the drunk train
on Valentine's Day?

350
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,307
Because I have
nothing better to do.

351
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,742
No one I can't stop
thinking about.

352
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,445
So if you have feelings
for Quinn, go for it.

353
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:29,048
'Cause you're wasting
your time here.

354
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,550
We both are.
[ Brakes Squealing ]

355
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:33,153
[ Train Rattling ]

356
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,088
I don't like Quinn.

357
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,557
[ Man On P.A., Indistinct ]

358
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,426
Kevin, I love you,

359
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:43,263
but please don't
just be the nice guy
who says the right thing.

360
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,599
Robin, I want to marry you
no matter what.

361
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,468
Assuming you don't turn
into a big fat fatty.

362
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,837
See? Right there.
Don't always say
the right thing.

363
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,107
Look, you just got a truckload
of new information
dumped on you.

364
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:57,277
- Will you marry me?
- My feelings on kids
aren't gonna change.

365
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,412
- Will you marry me?
- Haven't you always
wanted kids?

366
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,114
That was before
I fell in love with you.

367
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,082
Well, that's the thing.

368
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,352
Your future
always had kids in it.

369
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,756
That is something huge
you would be giving up for me.

370
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:13,760
I-I-I just don't think I could
ever owe someone that much.

371
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:21,834
I'm scared that you'll wake up
in-in a year or 10 or 50,

372
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,270
full of regret.

373
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:26,606
So, I need you to be sure.

374
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:28,608
Okay?

375
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:32,479
If we get married,
you will never
have children.

376
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,848
Are you really okay with that?

377
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,957
Enormous penis syndrome?
E.P.S.

378
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:46,926
It's all about awareness.
That's why we're doing...

379
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:50,197
the fun-run, the silent auction,
the three-legged race--

380
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,499
Of course,
that's just one guy.

381
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,603
[ Sighs ]
You know what?

382
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,171
I can't do this.

383
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,507
You can let me out
up here.

384
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,709
Why? You got a girlfriend
or something?

385
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,878
Maybe something.

386
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,354
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, sometimes you realize...

387
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:18,491
the journey you've been taking
has reached its final stop.

388
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,328
So the question becomes--

389
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,531
Where do you go next?

390
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,870
Hey.

391
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,073
You okay?

392
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:38,645
[ Man ]
* A year from now
we'll all be gone *

393
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:44,150
* All our friends
will move away *

394
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:49,789
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
* And they're goin'
to better places *

395
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:53,926
* But our friends
will be gone away **

396
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:57,930
So, he un-proposed.

397
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,168
We're over.

398
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:06,138
And I-I-- I know
it's for the best.

399
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,341
It's just--

400
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:12,144
I-I was finally ready
for something serious.

401
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,446
[ Sighs ]

402
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:17,584
He seemed like the guy
to take that next step with.

403
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:21,921
But he couldn't
look past this.

404
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,693
I mean, who could?
[ Sighs ]

405
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,361
I could.

406
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,732
I love you, Robin.

407
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:38,305
** [ Vocalizing ]

408
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,279
You've been complaining
about this Barney guy so much.

409
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,014
I'm starting to think
that you like him.

410
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,049
Like his apartment?
Check.

411
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,985
Like his moves downtown?
Check plus.

412
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,722
But like him?
Ugh. Please.

413
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,690
I'm just surprised
he doesn't recognize you.

414
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,426
He practically
lives here.
Hmm.

415
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,361
[ Man On P.A ]
Gentlemen, give it up for Karma!

416
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:04,797
** [ Rock ]

417
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:07,334
[ Whooping, Cheering ]