1
00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,205
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, on New Year's Day, 2012,

2
00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:08,076
Uncle Marshall
took a trip to Minnesota
to see someone he truly missed.

3
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,183
Hey, Pop.

4
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,518
I can't believe
it's been a year.

5
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:23,157
I think the most
appropriate way
to honor your memory today...

6
00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,826
is to get blasted...

7
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:28,028
and watch
the Vikings make the Bears
their furry little bitches.

8
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:30,131
Go, Vikes!
Shh!

9
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,765
Sorry for your loss.

10
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,537
Which is what we'll be
saying to the Bears in about
three hours, right, Pop?

11
00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:38,806
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, tailgating
at the Vikings-Bears game...

12
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,542
was a tradition
for Uncle Marshall
and his dad.

13
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:45,579
And that's how the government
covered up the U.F.O. crash
in Roswell--

14
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:49,783
by canning the sliced-up
alien carcasses...

15
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,852
and calling it "Spam,"

16
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:56,257
a.k.a. "sliced processed
alien meat."

17
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,558
Wow.

18
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,793
Is there anything
you don't know, Dad?

19
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,863
No. I know most stuff.

20
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,233
And in your honor--

21
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:08,802
three decades of pork fat,
lighter fluid and Bengay.

22
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:10,504
[ Sniffs ]

23
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,806
Dear God,
that's the stuff.

24
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,576
So much
to catch you up on.

25
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:19,012
So, last night
was New Year's Eve.

26
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,781
That's a crazy story.

27
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,117
[ Marshall ]
You haven't told your dad
you're pregnant yet?

28
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,619
No.
But why should I?

29
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,688
My dad has never
been there for me.

30
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:31,058
This is just another chance
for him to let me down.

31
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,194
Lily, you have to tell him.

32
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:36,164
He's at some board game
convention in Chicago.

33
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:38,766
He's your dad.
[ Sighs ]

34
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,802
I don't see why people
aren't getting this.
[ Cell Phone Rings ]

35
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,272
Shoplifter
does not promote crime.
It celebrates it.

36
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,640
[ Ringing Continues ]
Excuse me.

37
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,742
- Yeah?
- Hey, Dad.

38
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:53,013
I'm, uh, calling with
some pretty big news.

39
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,648
I'm pregnant.

40
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,317
Great, thanks.

41
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,189
** [ Upbeat Pop ]

42
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,558
** [ Man Vocalizing ]

43
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,565
** [ Ends ]

44
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,901
[ Marshall Narrating ]
Anyway, Dad, Ted and Barney's
New Year's Eve...

45
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,836
wasn't off
to a great start either.

46
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,506
Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's 50 bucks, and the line
starts out there.

47
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,608
Uh, we're regulars.
Oh.

48
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,810
In that case, the line starts
out there, and it's 50 bucks.

49
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,278
You got a problem with that?

50
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,914
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, here's why we didn't
have a problem with that.

51
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,549
[ Groans ]

52
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,619
And he was even scarier
without the toupee.

53
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,954
- No problem.
- It's a little drafty.

54
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,524
We'll get you
a nice, hot cocoa.

55
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,627
** [ Theme ]
Check it out.

56
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:42,430
Sandy Rivers'
New Year's Eve show.
[ Scoffs ]

57
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,966
Thank God I don't have to
produce this frozen pile of poo.

58
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:47,668
How'd you
dodge that bullet?

59
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,870
Well, maybe Tina--
the producer he, uh, picked--

60
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,439
is more talented than I am...

61
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,375
at lying down while Sandy
does his business on her.

62
00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:58,412
Does it bother you that
this pervert's on the air
and you're not anymore?

63
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,714
- Do you miss it?
- [ Laughs ]

64
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,751
What? Why wou--
Why would I miss it?

65
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,887
No, I would rather be
warm and cozy...

66
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:09,122
here in denial-- my apartment.

67
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,259
Robin, I'm no therapist--

68
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,893
Wait, yes, I am.

69
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:17,130
But I've got a New Year's
resolution for you--
get back on camera.

70
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,532
Mine was gonna be
make a sex tape.

71
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,235
- So... two birds.
- [ Cell Phone Rings ]

72
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,437
Hold that thought.

73
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,474
Hello? Sandy?

74
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:30,244
Tina quit.
The woman I love just quit.

75
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,580
- Love?
- She's my everything, Robin!

76
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:36,350
My sun, my stars,
my oxygen!

77
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,552
Plus she likes it
fast and dirty,

78
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:41,289
and that's how Sandy rides.

79
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,257
I need you here ASAP.

80
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:47,194
Are you kidding me?
Marcus, what the heck
are you doing here?

81
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,129
What the heck
are you doing here?

82
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:52,266
I wanted to see Dad today.
In private.

83
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,867
Well, I had the same idea,

84
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:57,137
and I drove all the way
from Mom's, so get lost.

85
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,573
I flew here!
So you get lost!

86
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,042
Um, I'm trying to have
a poignant moment...

87
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:04,177
with our departed father,
turd-face!

88
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,447
Well, I'm trying to feel
Dad's spirit...

89
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:09,149
flow through my soul,
butt-breath!

90
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:10,818
I'm reaching out
to the beyond...

91
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,521
to touch Dad's inner light,
ass-clown!

92
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,824
I hear Dad's voice
like an ethereal song...

93
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,893
guiding me toward salvation,
douche-nozzle!

94
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:22,996
- Dibs on Dad! Oh!
- Dibs on Dad times infinity.

95
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,634
I'll just pretend
like you're not here.

96
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:31,171
Wh-What? Dad?
Do you hear something?

97
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:36,644
Perhaps the high-pitched whine
of someone who wet their bed
until they were 11?

98
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,779
Ten!

99
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:42,750
Anyway, Dad, since
it's just the two of us,

100
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:47,821
Lily and I were
gonna spend New Year's
unpacking the baby room.

101
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:51,158
Um, sweetie,
why is this book in here?

102
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:52,826
That's
Enigmas of the Mystical.

103
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:55,496
It's all about mysterious
and unexplained phenomena.

104
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,131
Don't you remember
the TV commercials
from the '80s?

105
00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:02,235
[ Male Announcer ]
June 17, 1983.
Tempe, Arizona.

106
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,605
A woman makes
a chicken-salad sandwich.

107
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,574
[ Woman Whispering ]
Chicken salad sandwich.
[ Thunderclap ]

108
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,776
[ Announcer ]
Halfway across
the country in Michigan,

109
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:12,446
her daughter is compelled
to make almost exactly
the same sandwich.

110
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,348
[ Woman Whispering ]
Tuna salad.

111
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,049
[ Announcer ]
Coincidence?
[ Thunderclap ]

112
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:19,052
Or an enigma of the mystical?

113
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,689
Yeah, those enigmas...

114
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,791
always seemed
a bit thin to me.

115
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,058
Thin?

116
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,261
Lily, this is 200 pages
of detailed accounts...

117
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,498
about Bigfoot, ghosts,

118
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,900
aliens abducting people from
their beds and probing them.

119
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,703
I'm gonna read it
to baby Eriksen
at night-night.

120
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:39,172
You really want to read
our kid bedtime stories
about monsters?

121
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:42,510
First of all, I wouldn't
use the "M" word. Only they
can call themselves that.

122
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:45,613
And secondly, are you really
saying you don't wanna raise
our child as a believer?

123
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:49,683
I don't want to brainwash
our child to believe
in something with no proof.

124
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,719
It's not about proof.
It's about faith!

125
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,821
Faith is what gives
life shape and meaning.

126
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,725
If there aren't Yetis and
leprechauns, what's the point of
even getting up in the morning?

127
00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:01,695
I don't know.
Wife? Unborn child?
Drop a deuce?

128
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,665
Lily, don't you think
it's a bit narcissistic...

129
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,635
not to allow for something
bigger than us out there--

130
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:13,040
something
whose beauty and power
and majesty humbles us?

131
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,608
- God?
- Werewolves.

132
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:18,245
[ Cheering ]
[ Horns
Tooting ]

133
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,448
So as the countdown
to "212" continues,

134
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,015
a quick warning,
America--

135
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,453
Tina Henderson
is a soulless bitch...

136
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,588
who will stomp
on your heart.

137
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,223
I need you back, Tina.

138
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,259
[ Whining ]
I love you!

139
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,062
Well, if that's
as bad as it gets,
we might be okay.

140
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:36,830
Bathroom break.

141
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,634
- [ Zipper Unzips ]
- Oh, good.

142
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,836
It's on the JumboTron.

143
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,705
Oh, finally.

144
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,840
Yeah. That'll be
a hundred bucks each.
What?

145
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,943
You said 50!
That was before
the place got crowded.

146
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,813
It's New Year's Eve. People
get rowdy and break stuff.
The cover protects us.

147
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:57,918
Plus you get these festive hats
for an additional 15 bucks.

148
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,489
- They're wet.
- Dry ones are 20.

149
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:04,558
That's it!
Don't bother, everybody!

150
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,426
MacLaren's is a rip-off!

151
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:09,630
You'd all be better off
coming upstairs to my place
for a beer!

152
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,799
Hey, dude,
you serious?

153
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,604
Ted, do you remember
a couple years ago,

154
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:19,907
we had the best idea
of all time?

155
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:23,677
- We should buy a bar!
- Of course!
We should buy a bar!

156
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:26,313
The name of our bar?

157
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,048
Puzzles.

158
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,484
People will be like,
"Why is it called Puzzles?"

159
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,886
That's the puzzle.

160
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,823
A bar where
no one's overcharged,

161
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,859
where everyone feels
valued and respected.

162
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,393
A bar...

163
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,463
where we get chicks drunk
and bang them.

164
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,398
We're opening Puzzles
tonight!

165
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:48,569
Of course we're
opening Puzzles tonight!

166
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:52,072
Aren't you gonna ask us
why it's called Puzzles?

167
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,774
Nope.

168
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,643
Okay.

169
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,946
Okay, we're back live
in 30 seconds.
Where's Sandy?

170
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,181
I don't know.

171
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,951
Let's see
if he's still
wearing his mike.

172
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:07,287
[ Sandy On Headphones ]
Taxi, take me to Tina's house.
50 West 67th.

173
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,456
[ Man ]
Sir, this is
a falafel stand,

174
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:12,125
and you're sitting
in the hummus.

175
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:15,495
Okay, run the montage of people
who died this year
until I get back.

176
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:18,866
And add Sandy,
because, when I find him,
I'm gonna kill him!

177
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,109
- Anyway, Dad--
- Stop hogging Dad already!

178
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,545
I've got stuff
to tell him too!
Like what?

179
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,281
You're still living with Mom
and you have no job.

180
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,716
Go ahead.

181
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:37,585
So anyway--

182
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,388
"July 8, 1972."
[ Yelps ]

183
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,056
"Cheyenne, Wyoming.

184
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,727
A hunter spots a hairy form
in the forest. Bigfoot?

185
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,863
His story is dismissed
because, to be honest,

186
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:53,066
he'd been drinking
and had a history
of mental problems.

187
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,568
But was it a hoax?

188
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,570
Or was it
an enigma of the"--

189
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,172
It was an idiot
in a gorilla suit.

190
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,908
- Enigma!
- Gorilla suit!

191
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,244
- Enigma!
- Gorilla suit!

192
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,346
Marshall?
Marcus?

193
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,948
What are you guys
doing here?

194
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,884
Having a private
moment with Dad.
No.

195
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,053
I'm having
a private moment with Dad.

196
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,256
No, I'm having
a private moment
with Dad.

197
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,725
[ TV: Male Announcer ]
Touchdown, Vikings!

198
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:21,061
[ Cheering, Laughing ]
Boom!

199
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,034
Anyway, Dad,

200
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,037
since it's still
just the two of us,

201
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,706
I'll go on.

202
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,375
** [ Rock ]
[ Chattering ]

203
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:39,446
I've always envisioned Puzzles
as a literary salon,

204
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:43,917
where Gotham's intelligentsia
hold court on art, philosophy
and literature.

205
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:45,986
Great.

206
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,521
And while you're distracting
the nerds and fatties,

207
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,791
I'll be in the V.I.P. room,
gettin' it in.

208
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:53,861
Uh, yeah, dude, I don't know
where you got a velvet rope,

209
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:57,097
but you can't use my room
for anonymous sex.

210
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,499
I'm kind of a neat freak
that way.

211
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,301
Hey, guys, I have
an idea for Puzzles.

212
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,436
- [ Both Hissing ]
- What?

213
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:07,540
Puzzles is kind of
our thing, so--
It's kind of a shared vision.

214
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,476
Oh. Okay.
I understand.

215
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:13,513
But, hey, we like your energy.
How would you like to be
our star bartender?

216
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,482
I've always wanted
to be a bartender.

217
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:18,485
It's like being a therapist--
you listen to people's problems,
pretend to care,

218
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:21,454
but you can drink openly
instead of having to hide
your booze in a coffee mug.

219
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:25,492
Great! Oh, and check it out.
We worked out a theme song
for Puzzles.

220
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,929
While I was carrying
100-pound kegs up four
flights of stairs? Awesome.

221
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:32,132
** [ Piano: Soft Rock ]

222
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:37,537
* Puzzles is a place
where people go *

223
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,407
* To feel like they belong *

224
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,510
* Gonna take advantage
of dumb, drunk girls *

225
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:44,745
- No, we're not.
- Bro!

226
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,947
* That would be wrong *

227
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:52,352
* A place where
wit and wisdom bloom *

228
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,957
* A place to bang chicks
in Ted's room *

229
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,592
- Not gonna happen.
- [ Chuckling ]
We'll talk about it.

230
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:04,164
* At Puzzles,
we all fit together *

231
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:06,266
* And I'm
the bartender **

232
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,368
[ Both Hissing ]

233
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,636
I'll go get
the other kegs.

234
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,972
Probably a good idea.
We gotta work out
some harmonies.

235
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,907
* Cause I wanna be--
[ Higher Pitch ]
up here *

236
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,675
[ Lowers Pitch ]
* And I'm here *
* No, you're actually-- **

237
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,244
Excuse me, sir.

238
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,747
About the TVs.
We're in the middle
of burying my aunt, so--

239
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,614
Oh, I'm sorry.
We'll keep it down.

240
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,717
No, I just wanna
check out the score.

241
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:27,620
Actually, I'm trying
to have a private moment
with my dad, so--

242
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,489
Oh.

243
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:34,427
It's just that I used to go
to Vikes games with my aunt,
may she rest in peace.

244
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,964
[ TV: Crowd Cheering ]

245
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,069
Anyway,
so back to my story.

246
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:46,139
She also loved burgers.

247
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,444
[ Sizzling ]
Yeah.

248
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,446
So now,
back to my story.

249
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,316
Aunt Laura sure loved
a toasted bun.

250
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,255
[ Sighs ]

251
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,357
Tina, please tell me
Sandy's here.

252
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,159
Don't worry.
He's here.

253
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,796
And we're back...
together.

254
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:13,200
He told me he loves me,
he's sorry and I'm
the only girl for him.

255
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,736
You know,
since we're all here...

256
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,939
and we're all horny--

257
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,742
I don't know
what went wrong.

258
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,778
Well, proposing
the three-way
was bad.

259
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,479
Starting without us
was worse.

260
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,116
Finishing in the hallway
was the nail in the coffin.

261
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,985
No! Stop drinking!
I gotta get you
back on air!

262
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:36,389
But I'm single
and ready to mingle!
Hello there.

263
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,859
[ Cell Phone Vibrating ]
Oh, the Twitter-verse
is blowing up...

264
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,694
about a new
apartment-themed bar
called Puzzles.

265
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,463
Why is it
called Puzzles?

266
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,365
That's the puzzle!

267
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:49,937
Anyway, this V.I.P. room
has a maximum occupancy
of two people including me.

268
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:52,772
So eeny--
And the rest of you may go.

269
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,177
It's funny,

270
00:12:57,244 --> 00:13:00,881
but it seems each time I read
James Joyce's Ulysses,

271
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:03,283
it's a different book.

272
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,885
Begging the question,

273
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,820
has the book changed,

274
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,922
or have I?

275
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,558
- [ Loud Burp ]
- [ Glass Shatters ]

276
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,661
Okay, people are getting rowdy
and drunk and breaking things.

277
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,597
I know this goes against
the Puzzles mission statement
you made me memorize,

278
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,432
but we gotta raise
our drink prices.

279
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:22,002
All right, just a little bit
so no one will notice.

280
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:29,342
[ Crowd Booing ]

281
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:30,878
Poodles sucks!

282
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,779
[ Marshall Narrating ]
And that's when the night...

283
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,381
turned to absolute crap.

284
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:38,418
[ Barney, Ted ]
* At Puzzles
we all fit together *

285
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:44,424
* On sunny days
or stormy weather *

286
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,528
* So pull up a chair
and sit for a spell *

287
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:52,465
- * There's laughter to share
and stories to tell *
- [ Vomiting ]

288
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,668
* Puzzles is a place where
everyone feels at home *

289
00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:59,506
- [ Groans ]
- [ Barney ] * And we bang
chicks in Ted's room **

290
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,508
Wh-Wh-Wh-What do we do?

291
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,911
[ Marshall ]
And so, Puzzles got a bouncer.

292
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,947
All right, all right.
You know what? You guys--

293
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:13,887
No, no, no, no. You said
double what MacLaren's
was paying me.

294
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,290
And why isn't anyone
wearing the hats
I brought up?

295
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,330
"November 14, 1982."
[ Screams ]

296
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,900
"Everglades National Park,
Florida.

297
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:29,436
Five mysterious lights
dance in the night sky.

298
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:32,372
A ray shoots down,
lifting the park ranger...

299
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:35,875
who, to be fair, was going
through a bad divorce...

300
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:39,212
and had a habit of lying
to get attention."

301
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,315
You know,
I hate this job, Sandy.

302
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,284
I went into journalism
to make a difference.

303
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,753
But you have
made that impossible.

304
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,822
You know, to be honest,
it hasn't been an easy
couple of months for me.

305
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,192
I've made mistakes.
I've felt alone.

306
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,694
I had to let go of dreams
I didn't even know I had.

307
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,863
So here's the deal.

308
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,967
You're gonna get back on air
and count us down
into a better year.

309
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,869
Because I just can't
do 2011 anymore.

310
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,637
You with me?

311
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,640
He's not with me, is he?

312
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,249
Anyway, Dad,
where was I?

313
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,885
You know what, fine.
Get outta here!

314
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,453
We don't need you!

315
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,658
Why doesn't anybody
like these hats?

316
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,696
I made these hats.

317
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,499
It's because
they're wet, Doug!

318
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,067
Why are they all wet?

319
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,869
Were those
our last customers?

320
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,539
Let me go
check the bathroom.

321
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,742
[ Horn Toots ]

322
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:45,445
You must be from
the escort service.

323
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,681
The scenario is...

324
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:51,551
high school
wrestling match.

325
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,954
[ Cell Phone Rings ]

326
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,489
Hello?

327
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:59,126
So get this--
I lost Sandy Rivers.

328
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,028
Funny you should
mention that.

329
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:04,197
It's almost midnight!
What am I gonna do--
go on the air myself?

330
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:07,267
Listen--
Wait. Yeah! Do that.

331
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,968
No, I-I-I can't actually--

332
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:11,904
Yes, you can.
It's what you really want,
and you deserve it.

333
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,840
Kevin, that--
that's not how it works.

334
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:17,344
Sounds like
that's your only choice.
New York's a big city.

335
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,312
Sandy Rivers
could be anywhere.

336
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,450
And... wrestle!

337
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,955
Hey, I'm sorry, baby.

338
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,923
I just--

339
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,893
I want our kid to believe
that the universe
is magical,

340
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,862
you know,
like my dad taught me.

341
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,165
You know what my dad
taught me?

342
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,767
Nothing. Because
he was never there.

343
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:46,706
June 22, 1996.
Brooklyn, New York.

344
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:49,876
A man misses his daughter's
high school graduation.

345
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:53,246
Later, she discovers
her babysitting money
has been spent...

346
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:57,084
on a board game
called Who Stole
the Babysitting Money?

347
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,352
He never saw
the irony in that.

348
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,789
December 31, 2011.

349
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:07,327
A woman calls her father
to tell him she's pregnant.

350
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,097
He says, "Great, thanks,"
and hangs up on her.

351
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:13,766
And after pushing her
to call him,

352
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:17,737
a "big foot" is discovered
in her husband's mouth.

353
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:22,475
I'm glad you're a believer,
baby, but-- [ Sniffles ]

354
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:26,113
I'm never gonna believe in
an enigma of the mystical...

355
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:29,282
unless I see it
with my own eyes.

356
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:33,586
Because the truth is,
my father never taught me
to believe in anything...

357
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,622
but myself.

358
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:39,292
Well, if it helps at all,
I believe in you too.

359
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:44,464
There's a pretty good chance
I don't exist.

360
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,633
How dare you?

361
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:51,171
[ TV: Crowd Cheering ]
Oh, my God!

362
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,607
This is Robin Scherbatsky
filling in for Sandy Rivers.

363
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:59,946
You know, America,
tonight I've been groped,
stepped in puke,

364
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:04,784
and, until 10 minutes ago,
had no idea I would be
on national television.

365
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,686
That's my girl.

366
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,621
But that's the magic
of New Year's.

367
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:12,091
When that clock
strikes midnight,
we all get a fresh start.

368
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:16,463
And I don't know about you,
but I could really use one.

369
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:21,067
And that magic moment
starts in 10, nine--

370
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:24,571
[ Ted Narrating ] That night
became a turning point
in Robin's career.

371
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:27,507
** [ Theme ]

372
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,609
[ Ted Narrating ]
But we'll get to that.

373
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,512
[ TV: Robin, Crowd ]
Eight, seven--
They're nice hats, Doug.

374
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:35,248
six, five, four--
They're wet,
but they're nice.

375
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:38,285
three, two, one.

376
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:41,421
[ All Cheering,
Laughing ]

377
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,192
And that's the story
of New Year's Eve.

378
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,761
You know, I've been
thinking that the reason
I got so intense with Lily...

379
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:52,365
about Enigmas of the Mystical
is that, well--

380
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,467
Could you pass
the pickles?

381
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:59,239
With you gone,
I feel the mystical
a little less.

382
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,441
Can you hand me
the chips?

383
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:05,212
Sometimes...
I feel you a little less.

384
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,214
That's why today
was so important.

385
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,915
Because, I just--
I needed to--

386
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:16,155
Did you just open a beer
on my father's headstone?

387
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,890
Actually,
it's a hard cider.

388
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,960
[ Ted Narrating ]
And just as he was
about to lose it--

389
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:24,597
Hey, Marvin,
can you pass me a burger?
Not Marvin. Marshall. Sorry.

390
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,666
It's just--
You're so much
like your pop.

391
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,768
[ Ted Narrating ]
Your Uncle Marshall
thought back...

392
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,870
to all those tailgates
with his father.

393
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,674
Hey, mind if I grab one?

394
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,344
The more the merrier!
All right!

395
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,012
[ Man ]
* Time is comin' *

396
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:43,916
* To heal our wounds *

397
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:47,220
* Time is comin' *

398
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:51,090
* It's comin' soon *

399
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,825
** [ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Ted Narrating ]
And he realized...

400
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:55,728
that maybe private moments
are overrated.

401
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,532
You know what?
The more the merrier.

402
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,503
Hey, guys.

403
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,678
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.

404
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:18,351
[ Ted Narrating ]
January 1, 2012.
East Meadow, New York.

405
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:22,154
A woman answers her door
to find something more
enigmatic and mysterious...

406
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,024
than Bigfoot
or the Loch Ness Monster.

407
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,360
Dad?
Hey.

408
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,995
I thought
you were in Chicago.

409
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,930
I was.

410
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,765
Great. Thanks.

411
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:37,304
My daughter's
having a baby!

412
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,876
Did you drive all night?

413
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,745
Yeah.

414
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:48,415
Well, Teddy and I
split the drive.

415
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,983
This guy's a maniac
behind the wheel.

416
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,321
Congrats, Princess.

417
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,925
[ Sighs ]

418
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,994
Happy New Year, Dad.
* Time has come *

419
00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:05,532
* To heal our wounds **