1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,171 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, for years your Uncle Barney... 2 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:05,773 had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin's heritage. 3 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:10,211 To have to grow up in Canada-- with America right there. 4 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,546 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 5 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:16,484 Why? Why do we let you be a country? 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,819 But all that was about to change. 7 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,955 Guys, I have a very important announcement to make. 8 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:25,926 - I was on Facebook-- - Nobody cool is on Facebook anymore. 9 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:29,363 Well, you know whoon Facebook now? Everybody's parents. 10 00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:31,865 And, um, I just happen to be friends... 11 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:34,935 with Barney's long-lost father-- Mr. Jerome Whitaker. 12 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,271 - Me too. - He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz. 13 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:40,908 And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba... 14 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:43,010 was so interesting... 15 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,447 because his mother was born in Manitoba. 16 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:50,050 - What? - Which means your grandmother-- 17 00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,153 - No. - Which makes you-- 18 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,288 - Don't say it! - one-quarter Canadian! 19 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:55,656 ** [ "O Canada" ] 20 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:58,826 - [ All Laughing ] - Welcome to the tribe, hoser. 21 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,131 No. It's not true. 22 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,798 That's impossible! 23 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,269 [ Moans ] 24 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,739 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 25 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,276 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 26 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,316 ** [ Ends ] 27 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,052 [ Ted Narrating ] Once upon a time at a Halloween party, 28 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:28,922 I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin-- a slutty pumpkin-- 29 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,724 and she was extraordinary. 30 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,760 But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar... 31 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,829 which was tragically given away as Halloween candy. 32 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:39,099 So every year, I return to that same party hoping I'd see her again. 33 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:42,470 But with every passing October, that hope grew a little dimmer. 34 00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:46,374 Then one day, after 10 years of searching-- 35 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:48,376 Oh, my God. 36 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,778 [ Whispering ] The slutty pumpkin. 37 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,446 This might sound creepy, 38 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,015 but do you have a record of who rented it in 2001? 39 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,184 Hmm. 40 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,720 Wow. That was easy. 41 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:02,490 You're not the first lovelorn young man to walk through that door. 42 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,692 Three girls got proposals... 43 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,960 off my wife's slutty artichoke costume. 44 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:11,332 Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive. 45 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,435 I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address. 46 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,103 I knew I had to play this right. 47 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,872 It's not like I could just walk up and knock on her door. 48 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:26,847 Hi. Uh, you probably don't remember me, but-- 49 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,083 Halloween, 10 years ago. 50 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:32,186 Now that's a slow play. 51 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,123 The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out... 52 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,158 to Lily's grandparents' for dinner. 53 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,093 Marshall loved it out in the burbs. 54 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,695 Look how many fireflies I caught! 55 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,598 Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time. 56 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,469 Now we have a nice surprise for you. 57 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,105 Whatever it is, we're saying no. 58 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:54,342 What? You know what. 59 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,444 Every time we're here, my grandparents stick us... 60 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,912 with some big old piece of junk they're getting rid of. 61 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:02,082 It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown. 62 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,084 It's a perfectly usable... 63 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,187 lawn mower! [ Laughing ] 64 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,490 We live in an apartment. 65 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,459 Well, but maybe someday, when we move to the suburbs-- 66 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,727 We're never moving to the suburbs. 67 00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:16,797 And you also get... this skinny microphone! 68 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,499 Oh! 69 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,935 Before we head out to our place in Florida, 70 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:24,738 we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter... 71 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:26,240 a little something. 72 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:27,975 Oh! Ooh, it's so small. 73 00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,543 I love it! 74 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:33,213 - A key? - We're giving you the house. 75 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,750 Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs, but-- 76 00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,286 We'll take it! 77 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,889 [ Ted Narrating ] For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, 78 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,491 I took her someplace special. 79 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,759 Ted, this is so romantic-- 80 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:49,096 the spot where we first met 10 years ago. Mmm. 81 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,365 Do you remember the song that was playing that night? 82 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:54,067 I remember how beautiful you looked. 83 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,870 * It's been one week since you looked at me * 84 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,673 * Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry" * 85 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,675 Wow. Is that, uh-- The Barenaked Ladies, huh? 86 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,210 * Five days since you laughed at me * 87 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,113 * Saying, "Get that together Come back and see me" ** 88 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:09,850 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, it took me 10 years, but I finally kissed her, 89 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:13,321 and it was... terrible. 90 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,062 Lily, you hate the suburbs. 91 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,598 I know, but my grandparents giving us a house... 92 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,266 right when the baby's on the way? 93 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,369 It's perfect timing. This is great. 94 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:31,171 I'm finally gonna be able to barbecue with proper ventilation. 95 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:32,773 [ Smoke Alarm Beeping ] 96 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,643 Marshall! Oh, my God. Marshall. 97 00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:39,046 We're moving to the suburbs, baby! Aw. 98 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,582 Be right back. Okay. 99 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,284 Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs. Why not? 100 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:47,521 Lily is only agreeing to all this because of pregnancy brain. 101 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,490 Pregnancy brain? That's not a thing. 102 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,559 It's totally a thing. 103 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:55,463 Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, 104 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,998 mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. 105 00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:03,103 I mean, yes, right now, Lily is a goddess bestowing the miracle of life, 106 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,539 but damn, she dumb. 107 00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:08,909 Well, I have noticed some stuff. 108 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,680 I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere! 109 00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,349 I found them... here in the freezer. 110 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,218 Hey, where are the ice cube trays? 111 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,320 No idea. 112 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:24,392 Those poor ice cubes! 113 00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,993 [ Sobbing ] 114 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:29,630 I guess she has been a little off lately. A little? 115 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,633 She just texted me wanting directions back from the bathroom. 116 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,837 Oh. We're over here. 117 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:40,140 You're doing great, sweetie. 118 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,210 That moron should not be making big life decisions right now. 119 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,912 If you let her move to the suburbs, 120 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:48,215 it would be like taking advantage of a helpless, drunk chick. 121 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,750 What? Where? 122 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,586 [ Groans ] I got a girlfriend. Right. 123 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,190 Baby, we should put off moving. 124 00:05:57,224 --> 00:06:01,094 Why? Because I think the pregnancy is affecting your judgment. 125 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,663 No! 126 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,165 Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity... 127 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,967 that we have to take advantage of. 128 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,504 I mean, just because my body is growing a fungus-- 129 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:13,340 Fetus. doesn't mean my metal factories-- 130 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,844 Mental faculties. are in any way funicular. 131 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,980 No idea. 132 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,452 Mm-mmm. [ Slurping ] 133 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,186 This is nice. What is this? 134 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,721 Canadian whiskey. 135 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,593 I want scotch, 136 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,528 American scotch, 137 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,263 from Scotland! 138 00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,432 Get-Get that swill away from me. 139 00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:40,133 [ Hissing ] 140 00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,937 Why are you doing this to me? 141 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,873 You have been rippin' on Canada... 142 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,809 since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, 143 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,878 so now this Canuck's gonna beat on you... 144 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:54,181 like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits. 145 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,784 Hi. Hey. 146 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,586 Hey, how was your big date with the snuffy tuffkin? 147 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:02,823 I mean the sniffy napkin. The slouchy foreskin. 148 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,459 Oh. Lily tie-tie. Mm-hmm. 149 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,029 It was good... ish. 150 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,265 Look, there's Orion's Belt. 151 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,001 Oh. 152 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,003 [ Thinking ] Why does holding hands feel this weird? 153 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,972 Should our fingers not intertwine? 154 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:21,642 What's causing that pinching feeling? 155 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,911 I'll just cup her hand. 156 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:27,214 There. That's... not great. 157 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,552 Mmm. Mmm. 158 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:34,021 Her hair's up my nose. 159 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,725 Oh, her shoulder is jabbing into my windpipe. 160 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,860 Maybe if we reposition. 161 00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,363 [ Ted Grunts ] 162 00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:44,932 [ Sighs ] Uh-- 163 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,168 I have to say something. She must be feeling it too. 164 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,937 This feels so right. 165 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,740 We fit like two puzzle pieces. 166 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,141 Yeah. 167 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,877 Ted, I know you've waited 10 years for this girl, 168 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,446 but some things just aren't meant to be. 169 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,814 Not so fast. 170 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:03,016 At the end of the night, when I leaned in... 171 00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,753 and somehow accidentally kissed her open eyeball, 172 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,555 there was a slight flicker of something... 173 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:10,257 I might even call chemistry... 174 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:11,825 adjacent. 175 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,127 Thank you. 176 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,396 Wait. 177 00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,298 Wh-Where is my cash? 178 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,267 Oh! Look. 179 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,070 I did a little exchange for ya, canucklehead. 180 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:26,607 This Canadian dollar here is called a loonie. 181 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,543 And this two-dollar coin? A toonie. 182 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,244 True story. 183 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,881 It's federal currency, and you people talk about it... 184 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,883 like it's a Hanna-Barbera character. 185 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,752 Not "you people," Barney. 186 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,588 Our people. [ Sighs ] 187 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:44,391 [ Ted Narrating ] Even though my first date with Naomi was a little awkward, 188 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,059 our second date was a lot awkward. 189 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,461 Mmm. 190 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,898 [ Thinking ] This is the worst kissing of all time! 191 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,466 Mmm. How could she possibly be into this? 192 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:57,170 Mmm! She sounds like those cows in Temple Grandin's hug machines. 193 00:08:57,204 --> 00:09:00,073 Do you wanna listen to some music? Uh-huh! 194 00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:08,481 ** [ Country Pop ] Ted, this is our song. 195 00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:10,317 Let's make love to this song. 196 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,588 [ Singing Along To Radio ] * Chickity China the Chinese chicken * 197 00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:16,089 * Have a drumstick and brain stops * 198 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,725 Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 199 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,226 * ...X-Files with no lights on We're dans la maison ** 200 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,662 ** [ Radio Continues, Muffled ] 201 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,197 Hey, doofus! 202 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,266 It's me-- you at age 15. 203 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:30,604 And we made a deal we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us. 204 00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:33,807 Yes, she's beautiful. It's just there's no connection there. 205 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,909 I don't feel intimate with her. Intimate? 206 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:40,047 Let me remind you of some things you d feel intimate with when you were 15. 207 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,115 A catcher's mitt. An oven mitt. 208 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,751 A glass of warm water. 209 00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,485 A half-open hide-a-bed sofa. 210 00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,387 A top-loading VCR. 211 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,555 It's not gonna happen. 212 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,992 [ Groans ] Come on! 213 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,361 It'll take, like, 30 seconds! 214 00:09:55,829 --> 00:10:00,033 Naomi, listen. Shh. 215 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,136 Oh. 216 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,639 You like that, Ted? [ Chuckles ] 217 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,076 Do you like it when I caress your hair? 218 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,512 Your hair is so nice to caress. 219 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,648 [ Thinking ] Why is she saying that word? 220 00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:17,384 I like to caress your hair. 221 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,919 There it is again. 222 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,854 Caress! Who says that? 223 00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:23,256 [ Whispering ] Caress. 224 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:27,594 The thing is, I like her. 225 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,130 Okay? I really, really like her. 226 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,766 I just don't seem to like anything she says or does. 227 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,769 I have to break up with her, don't I? 228 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:39,106 [ Together ] Yes! After you sleep with her, yes! 229 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,042 Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said. 230 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,244 You're right. We shouldn't move to the suburbs. 231 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:47,414 Let's not make any huge life decisions right now. 232 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,650 Is this because you tried to make waffles with the laptop this morning? 233 00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:53,687 Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker... 234 00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,622 to come look at the house tomorrow. 235 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,492 Oh, by the way, I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes. 236 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,395 You're right. They're totally gonna class up our apartment. 237 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,665 Babe. 238 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:08,235 Okay, yes, it's wrong to bang the drunk chick, 239 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:11,238 but you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little somethin'. 240 00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,142 Yo, Canada. 241 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,777 What? Damn it! 242 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,746 Ha. You answer to "Canada" now. 243 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,748 [ Sighs ] 244 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,382 Make you a deal. 245 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:25,418 You wear this costume to the Halloween party tomorrow night, 246 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,420 I'll drop it forever. 247 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:30,457 [ Muttering ] 248 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,659 You can't be serious. 249 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,295 Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage... 250 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,998 in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel. 251 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,634 I don't know what any of those words mean. 252 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,771 Yes, you do. 253 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:50,778 [ Doorbell Rings ] Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it? 254 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,312 Sure. 'Course. 255 00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,916 [ Together ] Trick or treat! 256 00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:58,251 Oh, my gosh. How cute. 257 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,253 I'm sorry. We don't have any candy. 258 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:03,056 We forgot about trick-or-treaters. We don't get any where we live. 259 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:07,194 Yep. Only get this kind of cuteness in the suburbs. 260 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,865 Oh, look at how sweet and happy... 261 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:14,301 and unarmed they all are. 262 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:18,305 Are you using adorable little children in costumes to manipulate me? 263 00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,640 Bye. I mean, did you even call a real estate broker? 264 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,742 No. 265 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,644 I've got pregnancy brain like a fiddle, 266 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,380 and I've been playing you like a fox. 267 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:34,487 * O Canada 268 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:41,294 [ Whimpering ] * Our home and native land * 269 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,496 [ Sobbing ] 270 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:46,499 [ Ted Narrating ] I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi, 271 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,369 but when it's just not there, you can't force it. 272 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,307 Happy Halloween. 273 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:57,911 And just like that, I was taken back 10 years... 274 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,881 to the hopeful kid in the "hanging chad" costume... 275 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,650 falling head over heels for the slutty pumpkin. 276 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,986 I made you something. 277 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,192 Ohh! Your costume from that first night. 278 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:15,095 Although you do realize that even 10 years ago, 279 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,664 that "hanging chad" reference was, like, almost a year old. 280 00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:19,900 [ Chuckles ] Wow. 281 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,002 I can't believe you made this. 282 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,437 I can't believe you found me. 283 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,373 [ Thinking ] Stay strong, Teddy. 284 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,441 We can do this. 285 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,578 I-- "Have to break up with you." Just say it. 286 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,481 love-- Wait. What? 287 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:37,784 No. No, no, no, no! Say sunsets. Pancakes. Anything. 288 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,786 Just don't say-- you. 289 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:43,056 No! 290 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,795 ** [ Stereo: Dance ] Barney, where are you? 291 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,830 You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker... 292 00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,966 climbing Mt. Hungabee on Boxing Day. 293 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,835 [ Laughing ] Those are all real references to our shared homeland. 294 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:57,370 [ Barney ] I'll be right there. 295 00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:00,573 Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right. 296 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,376 [ Man On Stereo ] * Living in America 297 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,945 Ow! 298 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,947 * Eye to eye 299 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:09,216 * Station to station 300 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,985 * Living in America 301 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,255 * Hand to hand 302 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,557 * Across the nation 303 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,860 * Living in America 304 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:25,198 * Got to have a celebration 305 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,367 * Rock my soul * 306 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,271 Ow! 307 00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,506 If we move here, you're just gonna have that baby, 308 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,775 and then you're gonna hate me for letting you do this. 309 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,911 I'm gonna love it here. 310 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,248 Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs. 311 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:45,752 You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted. 312 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:48,421 You can put it anywhere you want. 313 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,124 Stop it. You don't know what you're saying. 314 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:55,795 Anywhere. Upstairs, downstairs-- 315 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,231 You can stick it in the back. 316 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:03,003 Lily, I wanna be inside this house so bad. 317 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:07,240 [ All ] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 318 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:08,608 Go on! 319 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,677 Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume... 320 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,212 and end this forever, 321 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,981 you show up shirtless to an outdoor party? 322 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,615 It's practically November. 323 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,051 No biggie. I ain't cold. 324 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,388 Huh. Interesting. It's fascinating. 325 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,224 Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures... 326 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,194 after generations of adapting. 327 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:30,197 [ Whispering ] Canada. No. 328 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,899 Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi. 329 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,267 Hey. Hey. 330 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,936 So nice to meet you guys. 331 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:40,340 I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented. 332 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,908 There's a song and dance that goes with it, 333 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,943 but I have to drink three of them before I can do it. 334 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,112 [ Chuckles ] 335 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,880 Oh. Okay, to your right. 336 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,416 This way. 337 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:54,254 Sounds delicious, in theory, 338 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,556 but you never know until you taste it. 339 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,759 Ted, have you tasted her Tootsie Roll? 340 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,029 [ Groans ] Of course not. 341 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:05,265 Ow. Wait. Have you? 342 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,768 [ Gasps ] You had sex with someone you had zero feelings for. 343 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,104 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 344 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,872 Ow! Stop it! 345 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,907 Just no part of it felt right. 346 00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:17,377 At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough. 347 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,446 Where do you look during sex? 348 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,249 Uh, into the hidden camera at "future me" watching it. 349 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:27,687 Okay, wait. How does saying "I want to break up with you" lead into sex? 350 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,957 I didn't say "I wanna break up with you," exactly. 351 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,359 What did you say, exactly? 352 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,662 "I love you." 353 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,298 Classic Schmosby. 354 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:43,070 Marshall, this house wants you so bad. 355 00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:46,173 "Mow my lawn. 356 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,840 Rake my leaves. 357 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,742 Winterize my pipes." 358 00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,511 Yes! Yes! 359 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,247 I'm coming... to terms with this decision. 360 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,283 [ Doorbell Rings ] Ooh! 361 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,818 [ Together ] Trick or treat! [ Gasps ] 362 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,853 Whee! Okay. 363 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,057 Hmm! Ooh. 364 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,658 Happy Halloween. 365 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,363 Lily? Yeah? 366 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,666 You just gave those children a stapler, 367 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,370 a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir. 368 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,606 I did? 369 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,674 Oh, my God. 370 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:25,145 [ Crying ] I'm gonna miss that stapler so much! 371 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,713 It's okay. 372 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,917 [ Sighs ] I'm not doing so great, am I? 373 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,719 Maybe not. 374 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:39,359 We shouldn't make any huge life decisions right now, should we? 375 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,362 Hey, look, I love you, 376 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,098 and I-I love the idea of raising our kids... 377 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,733 with a lawn and a white picket fence, 378 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:50,737 but we have our whole lives to decide when and if we want to do that. 379 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,072 Do what? 380 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,408 Let's get you home. 381 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,615 Ooh! 382 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,252 [ Child ] That's for the stapler! 383 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,187 I hate the suburbs. 384 00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:13,426 Naomi-- We have to end this. 385 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,262 Wh-- Huh? I'm sorry. 386 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,430 Tootsie Rolls make me really honest. 387 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:19,632 Ted, 388 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,270 I know you're super into me, 389 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,640 but we are terrible together. Wait. What? 390 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,576 I've been trying, 391 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,479 saying things felt good that didn't, just to-- 392 00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,216 I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but... 393 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,720 it always felt off. 394 00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,559 [ Thinking ] Why won't he stop sniffing my hair? 395 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,461 And what's up with the hand holding? 396 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,763 It's like he's trying to win a thumb war. 397 00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:54,867 Ted, this is our song. 398 00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:57,437 [ Thinking ] Oh, no. He thinks I'm actually into this song. 399 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,406 Does he not get sarcasm? 400 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:02,675 Let's make love to this song. 401 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,678 I'll just be even more ridiculous to make it clear it's a joke. 402 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,714 * Chickity China the Chinese chicken * 403 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:11,150 I-- Uh-oh. Where you going with this, buddy? 404 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,385 love-- 405 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,487 Nope. Too soon. Say basset hounds. 406 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,823 Pretzel Crisps. Anything but-- you. 407 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,758 Oh, God. Just kiss him before he proposes. 408 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:25,965 Ted, I've been looking for the hot hanging chad for the last nine Halloweens. 409 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:30,002 I've waded through a sweaty parade of Big Lebowskis, 410 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,305 Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons... 411 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,907 and that jackass who always dresses as laundry. 412 00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,343 Oh, I hate that guy. 413 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,745 That's why once I finally found you, 414 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,882 it was hard to let you go. 415 00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:45,752 Good-bye, Ted. 416 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,659 Let's just not touch ever again. 417 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,527 Probably a good idea. Yeah. 418 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,832 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl, 419 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,536 I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met to be the real thing. 420 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:07,974 [ Chuckles ] Yeah, I don't know, Barney. 421 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:09,876 She doesn't seem like my type. 422 00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:12,111 I will kill you. 423 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,880 I'll see what I can do. 424 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:15,915 [ Mouthing Words ] 425 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,693 [ Exhales ] 426 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:31,531 [ Whooshing ] [ Groans ] 427 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,967 [ Groans ] 428 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:37,470 [ Canadian Accent ] Oh, hey there. I'm Barney. How are ya? 429 00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,540 No. I Barney. 430 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:46,112 Whoa. You pack quite a wallop there. 431 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,047 Hope you didn't hurt your hand. 432 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,883 Why are you so nice? 433 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,452 [ Grunts ] 434 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,521 Oh! Sorry about my thick noodle there. 435 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,889 How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? 436 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:59,959 [ Grunts ] Holy Zamboni! [ Chuckles ] 437 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,861 Oh, you really put your weight behind that one. 438 00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:04,564 That was a really good one. [ Grunts ] 439 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,434 Oh, heavens to Gretzky. That was a real Chiclet rattler!