1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,903 [ Ted Narrating ] By the fall of 2011, 2 00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:05,706 technology had taken a lot of the intrigue out of life. 3 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:08,442 [ Beeping ] 4 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,811 The Internet had everyone's wall of information. 5 00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,946 [ Beeping ] 6 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,283 Nothing was a mystery anymore. 7 00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,721 But, kids, there was a time before that, 8 00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:22,323 way back in the dark ages-- 9 00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,525 Are you people-- Are you people insane? 10 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,927 The most popular food in America is the cheeseburger! 11 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,629 No way! It's pizza! 12 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,799 Are we forgetting about a certain Mr. Furter, 13 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,334 first name, Frank? 14 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,869 Um, what did every kid bring in their lunch box... 15 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:38,072 every day till grade eight? 16 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,174 Pancakes with maple syrup. 17 00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,110 Thanks, Canada. 18 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,579 We're looking for a food the average American eats. [ Ted ] Yeah. 19 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,381 Oh! Chinese food. 20 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:49,583 Are you-- [ Ted Narrating ] And then came the smartphone. 21 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:57,057 Hey, remember when we were arguing about the most popular food? 22 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,692 It's bread. 23 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,494 [ All Grunt ] 24 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,896 [ Ted Narrating ] And the barroom debate was dead. 25 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,065 [ Barney ] You guys are idiots! 26 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,900 Okay, not completely dead. 27 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:09,237 You're seriously telling me you don't want to open that envelope... 28 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,472 and find out if you're having a boy or a girl? 29 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:14,908 Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us this in case we wanted to know. 30 00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:16,844 But we don't. 31 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,881 Lily Pad and I are just gonna wait till that baby pops out and enjoy the big surprise. 32 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:25,119 Look, I have pretended to be a licensed therapist enough times to know... 33 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:28,389 there is something unhealthy about your not wanting to find out. 34 00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:30,758 - Back me up here, Kev. - No, no, no, no. 35 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:34,462 This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend... 36 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,630 by analyzing her wonderful friends. 37 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,601 No matter how mentally unbalanced they may be. 38 00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:43,437 - I hear ya. - I don't think you do. 39 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:46,574 We just don't want to burden our little angel... 40 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,743 with all kinds of gender-specific expectations. 41 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:52,446 Boys can do ballet. Girls can play football. 42 00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:55,849 Hell, the Green Bay Packers have been proving that for years. 43 00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,155 That would've gotten a big laugh at a sports bar. 44 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,691 Well, I say define gender roles early. 45 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:08,396 All the other girls got a pretty dress and a cake when they turned 14. 46 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,797 Me? 47 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,565 I wanna go home, Daddy. 48 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,403 That direction is nothing but wolves. 49 00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:21,209 And 40 kilometers that way is the mining town of Smithers. 50 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,777 I'd take my chances with the wolves. 51 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,882 I'll see you in three days. 52 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,019 Wait! What-What am I supposed to eat? 53 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,621 You've got a knife. 54 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,724 The forest is full of animals. What do you want, a buffet? 55 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,293 Papa! 56 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:43,264 Happy birthday, Son! 57 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,766 Got any thoughts on that, Doc? 58 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:49,069 If you guys think I'm goin' near that, you're crazy. 59 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:50,838 Why'd you emphasize "you're"? 60 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,840 No reason. You're pretty. 61 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,409 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 62 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,779 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 63 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,819 ** [ Ends ] 64 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:09,290 By the way, do you guys want to come over tomorrow night for sangria and tapas? 65 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,824 - Sí. Muchas gracias. - That sounds awesome! 66 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,760 Great. We're also gonna paint the nursery. 67 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,596 Oh, and a quick update on the sangria and tapas-- that's canceled. 68 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,164 Mmm. 69 00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:18,666 Guess what smooth son of a bitch... 70 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,434 just picked up a girl at the bar? 71 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,670 Barney, you're cheating on Nora already? 72 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,973 No, guys, it's me! Janet McIntyre. 73 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,175 Struck up a conversation at the bar while ordering. 74 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:31,078 She guessed "bread" right away. We laughed. It was a thing. 75 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,980 Boom! Going out tomorrow night. 76 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,082 So, she said yes just like that? 77 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,384 Just like that. 78 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,452 [ Together ] There's something wrong with her. 79 00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:41,088 No. No, no, no, no. Stop it! They always do this. 80 00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:44,825 Every time I go on a first date, they snap right into research mode. 81 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,960 It started by accident. 82 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:48,396 [ Phone Rings ] 83 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:54,335 - Hello. - Ted, we did a little Internet research on your Mia Plumley. 84 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,870 We just sent you a picture of her from six months ago. 85 00:03:56,937 --> 00:04:00,674 I don't understand. Is Mia standing behind this morbidly obese wo-- 86 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,276 Oh, my God! 87 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,812 They had cookies and cream. 88 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:08,015 What you were saying about how women feel they have to starve themselves... 89 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,950 makes so much sense. 90 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:13,287 Ooh! Hot dogs. Score! 91 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,122 [ Ted ] After that, background checks... 92 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,925 became standard operating procedure. 93 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:20,127 Date with Nadine went great. 94 00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,695 Unless you guys found something. 95 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:25,299 - Are you sitting down? - No. 96 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,372 She's wanted in Florida on crystal meth charges. 97 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,874 She breeds pit bulls for dog fighting. 98 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,243 Also, the FBI-- Wait. What's this link? 99 00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,078 Oh, she also writes online movie reviews. 100 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,248 Anyway, she's still married to a death row inmate convicted of-- 101 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:44,084 She gave Annie Hall two out of 10 stars? 102 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:46,454 [ Gasps ] "Slow and overrated"? 103 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,822 Really? That's your take-away? 104 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,124 It's the Woodman at the height of his powers. 105 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:54,328 The way he broke the fourth wall by talking directly to camera? 106 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:58,031 People have been ripping that off ever since! Can you believe this guy? 107 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,469 Paula Vincenzo. 108 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,404 She's in the bathroom. What's wrong with her? 109 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,105 Total psycho. 110 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:08,642 Her Facebook wall has a link to a site about dating inanimate objects. 111 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,912 For most of last year, she was engaged... to a minifridge. 112 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:15,248 [ Beeps ] And there's pictures-- her and the minifridge on a hike. 113 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,084 Her and the minifridge in wine country. 114 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,588 Here's the minifridge meeting her parents. Run like the wind! 115 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:26,159 So, wanna go back to my place? 116 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,995 Yeah, all right. 117 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:33,266 Well, thanks to us, you ran screaming from that freak show, right? 118 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,536 Absolutely. Cuckoo! 119 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,740 So what's the problem? You need us. 120 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:42,510 No, I don't. Okay? I don't want a background check. 121 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,612 I want adventure and excitement. 122 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:48,048 Look, if it's a choice between mystery and history, 123 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,317 I want mystery. 124 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,853 In fact-- Ted. I'm with you. 125 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,055 Uh, Janet. 126 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,690 I have a theory. 127 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:59,026 People don't get the chance to just discover each other anymore. 128 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,494 So, here's my idea. 129 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,195 Before we go out tomorrow, 130 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:04,698 let's not do any prior Internet research on each other. 131 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,167 It sounds like I'm hiding something horrible, doesn't it? 132 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:10,070 I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer. I'm not. I'm not. 133 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:13,273 It's just, you know, like, when my parents met, they didn't have the Internet. 134 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,843 They just went out on a blind date and fell in love. 135 00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,645 That's nice. And they're still together? 136 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,580 Right up to the divorce. 137 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:24,251 The point is, I'd love to get to know you in person, not on my computer. 138 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,219 I like that. 139 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,522 What started out sounding really creepy turned out really sweet. 140 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,891 That's kinda my move. 141 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,192 [ Laughing ] 142 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:35,395 And she was on board with the whole "no Internet" thing? 143 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:38,298 She loved it. 144 00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:41,168 - The bitch is hiding something! - Bitch is totally hiding something! 145 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:50,243 Hey, Ted, before you leave, is Janet McIntyre "M-A-C" or "M-C"? 146 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:53,914 For the last time, I don't wanna know anything about her before the date. 147 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,750 You might want to see this, Ted. Naked pictures. 148 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,454 - That's not Janet. - Who now? 149 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,823 Seriously, 150 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:06,694 if you guys respect me as a friend, stop looking. 151 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,033 Well, Ted was pretty clear there, 152 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:17,437 so let's shut those laptops and go help Lily and Marshall, just like we promised. 153 00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,340 Let's leave the laptops here... 154 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,175 and go paint that baby room. 155 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,813 Without laptops! 156 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,949 Or bring the laptops. Either way. 157 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,684 This is exciting. 158 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:34,187 I give you... the color our child will grow up with! 159 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,525 Yellow, like the sun. 160 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,160 Or daughter. Pun snuggle! 161 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:43,130 Oh, God. This room's about to get its first spit-up. 162 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,333 Just open the envelope already! 163 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:49,570 Kevin, will you please tell Barney that it is perfectly normal... 164 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,304 for us to want to preserve the mystery? 165 00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:54,141 I'm not here to analyze. I'm here to win boyfriend points. 166 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,777 By the way, you all look great, especially Robin. 167 00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:58,979 Come on! If you don't know the gender, 168 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,782 you're gonna get generic crap at the baby shower. 169 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,217 But if you do know the gender, you'll get-- 170 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,119 Oh, I don't know-- this! 171 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,688 Marshall, lights! 172 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,558 Okay. 173 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,459 ** [ Electronic Pop ] 174 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:15,162 When little Jack's not turning double plays, 175 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:19,166 he's turning heads with this home run of an outfit! 176 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,201 And if it's a little girl-- 177 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,672 This royal ensemble may leave you speechless, 178 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,907 but it's sure to make little Sally say, 179 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,910 [ High Voice ] "I wuv you, Mommy, and I wuv my dwess, 180 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:33,180 and I would wuv to see you in the shower." 181 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,482 Sorry. I kind of fell out of character in that last part. 182 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,551 But if you don't know the gender, 183 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,452 ** [ Dirge ] 184 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,489 Little Fran is sure to be the pariah of the playground... 185 00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:45,626 in this hermaphroditic burlap sack. 186 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,061 ** [ Electronic Pop ] 187 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,030 Marshall, lights! 188 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,968 Barney, you don't really care about our child's wardrobe. 189 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,238 - What? - You just can't stand not knowing something. 190 00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,908 That's ridiculous. 191 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,510 Marshall, will you-- will you hold these for a second? 192 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,479 Yeah, sure. Why? Because I gots to know! 193 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,616 Barney! No! Lily, get him off of me! 194 00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:11,051 Everybody, hold it! Hold it. Hold it. No! 195 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:14,454 I found Janet McIntyre, who's been widowed three times. 196 00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,256 She's obviously killing her husbands. 197 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,892 Oh, my God. 198 00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,828 They're six minutes into the date. 199 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,996 Ted's probably already told her that he loves her. 200 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,566 We've gotta get down there! We simply have to-- 201 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,202 Nobody's going anywhere! [ Screams ] Why? 202 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,004 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, at that moment, 203 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,806 Kevin thought back to his earlier rule-- 204 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:36,910 This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend... 205 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,579 by analyzing her wonderful friends. 206 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,581 and threw it out the window. 207 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:45,585 You're all the most codependent, incestuous, controlling group of people I've ever met! 208 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,323 By the way, you all look great, especially Robin. 209 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,292 Oh! Mmm. 210 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,130 This is so great, right? 211 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,366 See, if we'd researched each other, 212 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,469 we'd both be secretly steering the conversation one way or the other. 213 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,372 But this is more exciting, right? Way more exciting. 214 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,975 I mean, we can talk about anything we want. Anything. 215 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,342 [ Chuckles ] 216 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:13,781 So, 217 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,084 how was the traffic getting here? 218 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,019 You picked me up at my apartment. 219 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,589 I certainly did. 220 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,157 [ Ted Thinking ] Oh, my God! 221 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,060 I've lost the ability to talk to girls without the Internet. 222 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,362 My brain is completely shutting down! 223 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,865 So, are you folks gonna have dinner or just drinks? 224 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:34,802 [ Breathless ] I-- I don't know! 225 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,238 What the hell was that, Kevin? 226 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,874 We're all crazy just because I'm looking up some stuff on the Internet... 227 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:42,843 and Barney wants to know the baby's gender? 228 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,612 Well, look, to be honest, 229 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,647 I-I noticed some other disturbing-- 230 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:51,752 No, no, no. It's nothing. I'm sorry. 231 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,353 I gots to know! 232 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:55,956 Okay, last night alone-- 233 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,826 Well, when are you coming back? 234 00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,161 Because I miss you, silly! 235 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:06,566 - Wait, who's he talking to? - Shh. I'll be back soon. 236 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,435 Hey, you want me to bring you a pretzel? 237 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,004 [ Bell Dings ] 238 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,306 [ Laughs ] Ted's texting me from the bathroom. 239 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:16,376 [ Laughing ] Oh! 240 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:19,980 I don't get it. It's just a "C" with an apostrophe. 241 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:20,881 Yeah. 242 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:23,250 Sometimes when one of us is on the can, 243 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:26,453 we'll, uh, sneak a peek and then text each other, 244 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,455 you know-- 245 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,458 Symbols to describe what your bowel movement looks like? 246 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,926 [ Chortling ] 247 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,996 This morning, I took an ampersand! 248 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,631 Last summer, I dropped a deuce... 249 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,834 that actually looked like the number two! 250 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,670 [ Bell Dings ] 251 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:47,007 When you worked late Wednesday, I-- 252 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,911 I got lonely and... 253 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,081 I-I watched Survivor without you. 254 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,283 [ Bell Dings ] 255 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,952 Practically the only unhealthy behavior I didn't see from you people... 256 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,821 was physical violence. 257 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,190 ** [ Death Metal ] [ Man ] * Murder * 258 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:07,494 * Climb aboard the murder train ** 259 00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,497 Yeah. At least we don't do that. 260 00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,802 And to top it off, all the meddling in Ted's love life, 261 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,970 not to mention Lily's pregnancy? 262 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,439 It all strikes me as just deeply dysfunctional. 263 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,177 So what you're saying is, we're fine? 264 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,979 [ Bell Dings ] 265 00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:31,284 So, while this font is often mistaken for Helvetica, 266 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,053 the fact is... 267 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:37,657 it's Helvetica Bold. 268 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:42,129 [ Ted Thinking ] I can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up. 269 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,699 I gotta be honest, Janet. First of all, 270 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,436 this is Times New Roman. 271 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,705 Second, I'm having trouble coming up with things to talk about. 272 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,207 You? 273 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,809 I'm sitting here thinking, "Damn it! 274 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:59,279 I wish I had something as good as that font thing. That's gold!" 275 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,414 Guys, I'm so sorry I said anything. 276 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:05,152 Um, you basically called my friends mentally ill. 277 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,554 Yeah, you think some lame apology will fix that? 278 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,423 What if I just paint the rest of the room by myself? 279 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,625 [ All ] Apology accepted. 280 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:15,595 Okay, let's do this-- let's find out each other's likes and dislikes. 281 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:18,565 Start with something totally random like, um-- Oh, I don't know. 282 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:23,270 Are you a fan of-- [ Blusters ] I don't know-- Annie Hall? 283 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,338 I'm guessing that's not random at all... 284 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:28,175 and you use that movie to test whether a girl is cool. 285 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,977 No, no. It's the first movie that popped into my-- 286 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,445 I love Annie Hall. Oh, thank God you're cool! 287 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,582 [ Ted Narrating ] But just as things started to go well with Janet McIntyre-- 288 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,118 Whoa. I just found Janet McIntyre. 289 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,387 The Janet McIntyre. 290 00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:49,897 Sweet... mother... of God! 291 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,298 [ Laughing ] 292 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:52,900 [ Phone Chimes ] 293 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:59,239 Well, I gotta run to the restroom, but no Internet, mister. 294 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,841 If you find out my deep, dark secret, I'll have to kill you. 295 00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:03,576 It's just my friends checking up on me. 296 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,546 - I'll politely let them know we're having a lovely time. - Okay. 297 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,717 Ted says, "I'm not clicking on the link, so leave me alone." 298 00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:13,620 And then either texted me a bunch of symbols for profanity... 299 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,556 or got food poisoning and dropped the weirdest deuce of all time. 300 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,625 You guys have to see this. 301 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,660 No! We're with Ted on this. 302 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:24,597 We don't want to find out about Janet, just like we don't want to find out about the baby. 303 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,299 Because we like mystery, 304 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,368 whether it's the hairy majesty of Bigfoot... 305 00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:31,138 or the blood-sucking ferocity of the chupacabra... 306 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,806 or the gender of our little miracle. 307 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,377 Thanks for putting those together in the same sentence, sweetie. 308 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:40,280 Look, if you guys don't want to know, how about this? 309 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,682 Let me look, and I won't tell you. 310 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,484 Absolutely not. Fine. 311 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,387 - [ Gasps ] - Baby, if it'll shut him up, what's the harm? 312 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,960 Can I? [ Jabbering ] 313 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,796 [ Both Giggling ] 314 00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:58,698 This may have been a mistake. 315 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,533 Boy! 316 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,602 Do I like babies. 317 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,004 Girl-- 318 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,606 friend, your hair looks fantastic! 319 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,708 Twins... 320 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,211 was the feel-good movie of 1988. 321 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,745 [ Laughing ] Barney? 322 00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:15,348 Hey, it doesn't matter what you guys say. We're not gonna cave. 323 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:18,285 Yes, we are! Oh, just open your eyes. 324 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,088 This gender-neutral yellow is horrible! 325 00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,590 We're clearly gonna paint over the whole thing! 326 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,458 That's what you wanna hear. 327 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,528 - I gots to know! - [ Barney Chortles ] 328 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,231 It's a-- 329 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:34,667 It's a-- Where's the rest of the card? 330 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,536 I ripped it in half. 331 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,672 I knew you'd be desperate to see it, and I'll give it to you. 332 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,976 All you have to do is admit that mystery is stupid... 333 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,413 by reading about Janet McIntyre. 334 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,316 This is in no way emotional extortion. You guys are great! 335 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:52,119 Fine. We'll look at your laptop. 336 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:57,957 Sweet... mother... of God! 337 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,394 [ Raspy Voice ] I can't really see the computer screen. 338 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,196 It just went down the wrong pipe. 339 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:05,665 [ Phone Chimes ] 340 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,669 [ Thinking ] Whoa. If Lily and Marshall want me to click on it, 341 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:12,572 maybe Janet really does have a deep, dark secret. 342 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:16,376 - What's going on? - I'm a prostitute. 343 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,812 - You didn't think I was actually into you, did you? - Sorta. 344 00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:22,149 [ Laughing ] 345 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,017 [ Thinking ] Get it together, Mosby! 346 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,389 - Oh! - Oh! 347 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,825 You don't buy beer. You rent it. Am I right? 348 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:35,695 This is the men's room. I know. 349 00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,597 I'm a dude. 350 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:49,109 [ Exhales ] Listen, there's something you should know. 351 00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:51,311 I lied. 352 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,046 I only kinda liked Annie Hall. 353 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,247 [ Gasping ] 354 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,487 [ Thinking ] I gots to know! 355 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:09,262 Sweet... mother... of God! 356 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,608 Hey. 357 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,444 [ Exhales ] 358 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,580 Ted, are you okay? You look freaked out. 359 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,017 I'm not freaked out. 360 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,120 [ Ted Narrating ] I was freaked out. Why? 361 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:36,723 'Cause I'd just discovered that Janet McIntyre was... 362 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,758 amazing! 363 00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:03,049 And then the wall went up. 364 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:07,120 Okay. You looked at Janet McIntyre's Internet extravaganza. 365 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,821 Here's the other half of the card. 366 00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,896 Wait. Should we do this? I-- 367 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:21,234 I don't know. I mean, my soul says no, but these hideous yellow walls scream yes! 368 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,604 Should I just stop, or-- 369 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,339 Sweet mother of God! 370 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:30,310 A dog in Ottawa ran all the way to Saskatoon! 371 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,213 What? We figured out the Janet thing. 372 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,114 I'm catching up on Canada. 373 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:37,784 [ Gasps ] 374 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,356 You're with me on this, right? Otherwise, I can go down and get the card. 375 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,892 - Absolutely. - Oh, baby. 376 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,597 [ Ted Narrating ] And so the gender remained a secret, 377 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:53,933 but Janet McIntyre's life no longer was. 378 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,868 There was only one problem. 379 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,437 Ted, what's going on? 380 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,607 Nothing. 381 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,142 Did I mention that I'm the youngest architect in New York history... 382 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,711 to have a skyscraper built? 383 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,546 Oh. So... 384 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:08,948 I'm not quite as far beneath you as you might think. 385 00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:11,150 Why would I think that? 386 00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:13,686 No reason. But this one time in sixth grade, 387 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:16,423 I saw a raccoon trapped in the gutter and I told my dad, 388 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,124 and the firemen came and got it out. 389 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:21,194 So, it's not like I pulled a baby from a creek or anything, 390 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:25,432 but at least I didn't ignore it and keep lighting bugs on fire with my magnifying glass. 391 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,435 We had one promise, and you broke it. 392 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,404 What are you talking about? You looked me up, and now you find me intimidating. 393 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,706 Why-- Why would I find you intimidating? Okay? 394 00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,808 It's not like I donated a kidney, 395 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,644 but I donated blood once, 396 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,447 although I wound up fainting and they had to put it all back in. 397 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,115 [ Sighs ] I was so excited about this. 398 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,885 But now you're just a blubbering idiot like the rest of them. 399 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,487 No, I ain't! 400 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,557 I mean, no, I'd never do that thing you says. 401 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:54,694 Oh, God. What I mean is, you gooder than me no make difference! 402 00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,765 And that's that. 403 00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:01,268 I wish to God I'd never clicked on that link. 404 00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,537 I'm sorry, Ted. We were just trying to help. 405 00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:07,039 I said it was meddling and manipulative, 406 00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:10,209 but Kevin insisted we butt in. 407 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,545 [ Bell Dings ] 408 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:15,748 No, it's my fault. I never should have looked. 409 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:20,420 In the battle of mystery versus history, it's best not to know. 410 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,457 - Lily Pad? - What? 411 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,759 We're having a boy. 412 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,229 We're having a boy! 413 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:33,099 We're having a boy! We're having a boy! 414 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:35,502 We're having a boy. [ Ted Laughing ] 415 00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:39,606 I'll go buy some blue paint. 416 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,546 [ Helicopter Whirring ] 417 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,418 It needs sharpening. You see? 418 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:54,754 I told you three days would go by in no time. 419 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,023 Phineas, take us up. 420 00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,092 And in case you were wondering, it rained the entire time I was in the Caribbean. 421 00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:02,395 Thank you for asking. 422 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:06,032 [ Wolf Howling ]