1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:04,438
Oh, God. Guys,
I'm still really hungover.

2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,908
- Did I really ruin a wedding?
- No, you didn't ruin a wedding.

3
00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:09,443
Just the reception.

4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,412
And the bar mitzvah
next door.

5
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,514
And my dress.
And your dress.

6
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,349
You put on a dress
at one point.

7
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:17,885
Okay. You know what?
That's it.

8
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:22,256
I'm about to be a dad,
and I want to be the kind of man
that my child can look up to.

9
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,493
So, sweeping declaration--

10
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:29,497
I am never getting drunk again
as long as I live.

11
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,798
[ All Laughing ]

12
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,633
I'm serious!
[ Ted ]
Right!

13
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:35,569
[ Ted Narrating ] Kids, it's not
that your Uncle Marshall
had a drinking problem,

14
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:39,507
but whenever he made
a sweeping declaration like
that, you pretty much knew--

15
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,876
I did it again!

16
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,512
But I'm getting
ahead of myself.

17
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:48,048
Whoa. What happened
to your leg?

18
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:51,452
Oh, nothin'.
I'm meeting
Nora for coffee.

19
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,521
She's still mad at me,
so I need some
sympathy points.

20
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,689
She likes musicals,
so I'm gonna tell her...

21
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,192
I fell off the stage
during a performance
of Man of La Mancha.

22
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,928
- What do you think?
- Lose the cast.

23
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,397
A one-man show.
I like it!

24
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:06,100
Wait. Just so we're clear.

25
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,702
This woman is mad at you
because you lied to her,

26
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,805
so your solution is to
pretend you broke your leg?

27
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,841
[ Sighs ]
You're right.

28
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,144
A neck brace.
Thanks, Lil.

29
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,279
Man, I wish I'd have
talked to you sooner.

30
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,114
I've been practicing
with these crutches all day,

31
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:23,184
and whoever left them
in my lobby probably
really needs them.

32
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:26,220
- Well, uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
I have some good news.
- [ Lily ] Hmm.

33
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:29,923
As you all know, I recently
decided to get back out there
and start dating again.

34
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,425
And, uh, well--

35
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,231
Is this you?

36
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,100
[ Chuckles ]
Uh, yeah. Hi.

37
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:41,435
I'm Ted.

38
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:42,836
Hi.
Hi.

39
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,905
That's great, Ted.
Yeah.

40
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:49,143
Yeah, it was a moment
of pure destiny-- the kind
you just can't manufacture.

41
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,445
Or so I thought.

42
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:57,050
What? Oh, no.
How did I get on there?

43
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,853
[ Chuckles ]
Hi. Ted Mosby.

44
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,489
Guilty.

45
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,457
Hi. Ted Mosby.

46
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,059
That is embarrassing.
[ Chuckles ]

47
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,230
I should be on the cover
of Egg on My Face magazine.

48
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,432
But I'm not.
I'm on the cover
of this one.

49
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,735
[ Chuckles ]
Hi. Ted Mosby.

50
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,339
Sixteen moments
of pure destiny in one day.

51
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:21,342
And of those 16,
10 were single.

52
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:24,612
Of those 10,
seven liked what they saw.

53
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:28,382
Of those seven,
four were women.

54
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:32,052
Of those four,
two gave me their real number.

55
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,755
And I have a date
with both of them.

56
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,424
- Nice.
- Great.
- [ Cell Phone Rings ]

57
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,262
[ Rings ]
Guys,
it's Garrison Cootes.

58
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:44,598
[ Ted Narrating ] Kids,
Garrison Cootes was a senior
partner at Honeywell & Cootes,

59
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,368
one of the biggest environmental
law firms in America.

60
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,970
Marshall would have
given anything to work there.

61
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:53,341
If I don't get this job,
I might end up working at,
like, a Taco Bell somewhere,

62
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:57,778
and nobody wants that--
or maybe you guys want that
because you'll get free tacos.

63
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:02,516
'Cause you're my peeps,
but right now I need
all of you to calm down!

64
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,220
[ Posh Accent ]
Hello?

65
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,888
Marshall,
this is Garrison Cootes.

66
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:10,824
Sorry I didn't
get back to you sooner,
but I've just been swamped.

67
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,160
[ Laughs ]

68
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:17,765
Which is funny,
'cause I'm literally
standing in a swamp.

69
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,633
[ Chuckles Nervously ]

70
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,503
Anyway, I'm just out here--
I'm just collecting
some samples...

71
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,538
for this pollution case
we're working on.

72
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,007
- I love the work you guys do.
- That's a crock.

73
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:30,378
- No, I mean it.
- No, no. There's a crocodile
about five feet away from me.

74
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:33,747
So I'm just gonna ignore
the hot urine filling
my waders as we speak...

75
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:36,417
and tell you that
we're very interested.

76
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:39,820
- They're interested.
- Obviously we have to do some
sort of, uh, credit check--

77
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,989
you know, criminal record
and Google search.

78
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,526
But as long as
nothing unseemly turns up,
you're good to go, man.

79
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,428
That is fantastic,
Mr. Cootes!

80
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:51,632
Well, I gotta run.
[ Laughs ]

81
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:55,836
That's so funny, because,
actually, I physically
have to run now.

82
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:59,373
- Croc saw you?
- He's advancing. Yeah.

83
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,909
** [ Upbeat Pop ]

84
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,546
** [ Man Vocalizing ]

85
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,252
** [ Ends ]

86
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,788
[ Ted Narrating ]
The next night,
Barney met Nora for coffee,

87
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,291
thankfully, without
the ridiculous leg cast.

88
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,328
Hey, Nora.
Thanks for meeting me here.

89
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,296
What happened to your neck?
My-- Wha--

90
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,665
Oh. Uh, it's nothin'.

91
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:27,000
I was performing
in a one-man show of Fiddler.

92
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,069
Uh, there was this roof.

93
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:31,138
Wow. That woman
has fantastic tatas.

94
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,574
Where-Where? Oh. Uh, damn it!

95
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:34,642
Ta-ta.

96
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,276
Wait. Nora, wait.
No. Look. Please don't.

97
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,911
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

98
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,413
What is the matter with you?

99
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,349
What kind of person
needs to lie like that?

100
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:44,084
A person who really,
really likes you...

101
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:46,086
and suspects,
probably accurately,

102
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,921
that you're
way out of his league,

103
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,358
and so he feels the need to--

104
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:53,361
I'm sorry. You were kidding...

105
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,795
about the fantastic tatas,
right?

106
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,864
'Cause I'm looking around,
and I do not see--
[ Sighs ]

107
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,668
I just had
two back-to-back dates.

108
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,303
That's right. Two lovely ladies,

109
00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:05,205
four large cappuccinos,

110
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:07,375
and-- One sec.

111
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,843
And I don't know which date...
[ Toilet Flushes ]

112
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,479
was more awesome.

113
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,347
Let's meet the girls.

114
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:15,315
Jessica is
a Rhodes scholar.

115
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:16,950
She's traveled
all over the world,

116
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,285
speaks four languages,

117
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:19,887
is a concert pianist.

118
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:23,357
And Claire
reached for the check.

119
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,126
So I don't know.
It's a squeaker.

120
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,895
I mean, both of these girls...

121
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,364
have the potential to be
something really special.

122
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,600
They both move on
to the next round.

123
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,635
Wait a minute. You're gonna
date two girls at once?

124
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,303
Don't you think you should
just choose one...

125
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,938
before it gets serious?

126
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,106
Define "serious."

127
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,708
Well, that's complicated.

128
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,876
I guess you have to weigh
expectations,

129
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,412
emotional investment--

130
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,947
Third base.
It's serious at third base.

131
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,550
So I can go to second base with
both of these girls, no problem?

132
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:53,086
Oh, honk away, my friend.
Yeah. Honk away.

133
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,822
Oh, no.

134
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,323
[ Ted Narrating ]
Ever since Mr. Cootes
mentioned the background check,

135
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,426
Marshall had been
scouring the Internet.

136
00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:00,561
Most of what he found
was pretty harmless.

137
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,796
In some cases, really awesome.

138
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:03,931
Until--

139
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,499
Not good.

140
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,100
This is-- This is not good.

141
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:11,972
Thanks, Stacy.
Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,

142
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,074
thanks to
the generous endowment from--

143
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,643
[ Laughing ]
Whoa!

144
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:19,246
Did somebody say
"generous endowment"?

145
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,348
I'm Marshall Eriksen,

146
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:25,719
but you can call me
Beercules!

147
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:29,790
[ Cackling, Laughing ]

148
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,128
Well, that could
be anybody.

149
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:43,737
Oh, man. I forgot
about Beercules.

150
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,673
Who made this Web site
anyway?

151
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,341
- Pete Durkenson.
- [ Ted Scoffs ]
Of course.

152
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,178
Is that the guy
who convinced you to
run across campus naked?

153
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:54,982
I was pledging his frat,
which I gave up on
after three days...

154
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,785
because frats
are stupid and elitist,

155
00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,120
and, also, I found out
he wasn't in a frat.

156
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,524
Oh, my God.
This is awesome!

157
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,226
I just got invited
to the Architects' Ball,

158
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:10,097
the annual gala
that honors the city's
greatest architects.

159
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,000
Oh, no. You guys see
why this sucks, right?

160
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:16,136
Because it's an annual gala
honoring the city's
greatest architects?

161
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:20,307
Robin, this is the social
event of the year.

162
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:21,842
You take a girl
to the Architects' Ball,

163
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,645
brother, you're going
to third base.

164
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:27,447
Whichever girl
I take as my date,

165
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:32,385
she will be
Miss Ted Mosby's Girlfriend
by the end of the night.

166
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,555
Okay, no more sittin'
on the fence.

167
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:37,190
Robin, get me my legal pad.

168
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,159
It's pros and cons time.

169
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,728
[ Cheering ]
Yeah!

170
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,931
[ Ted Narrating ]
And, kids, they really cheered.

171
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,933
Let me make one thing
very clear to you.

172
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,902
I don't date guys
who lie to me.

173
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,238
Well, see,
I did not know that.

174
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,373
My bad.

175
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,442
So, from here on in,
no more lies.

176
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,044
I will never
lie to you again.

177
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,747
I'm serious.
Ask me anything.

178
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,282
Okay.

179
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:05,452
Have you ever successfully
gotten a woman in bed
by lying to her?

180
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,522
Have I ever--

181
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:15,663
If I'm being
totally honest,

182
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,966
yes.

183
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,069
More than once?
More than once?

184
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:26,607
Wow. That's--
[ Clicks Tongue ]

185
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:29,309
I guess, if we're
splitting hairs,

186
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,444
then technically...

187
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,647
there was a plurality...

188
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:37,718
to the times I've lied to women
for sex-having purposes.

189
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,520
What were they?
Nines and tens mostly.

190
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:43,423
There was a four once.
She was a slump buster.

191
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:48,061
But, Nora, after that,
I had a run that
you would not believe!

192
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,097
Man! Honesty feels good!

193
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:53,533
What were the lies?
You want me
to tell you every lie...

194
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,636
I've ever told a woman
to get her into bed?

195
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:58,305
Bed or any other place
you had sex with her.

196
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,273
Oh, you're good.
[ Chuckles ]

197
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:02,776
Pete. Pete. Hey.

198
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:06,179
Beercules!
Bring it in, dude.

199
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,617
Hey, I've been
trying to call you,
like, all night.

200
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,986
Oh, my God. Sorry.
I would have answered,
but it is Tuesday night.

201
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,056
- It's Sunday.
- And you know
what that means.

202
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,958
Edward Fortyhands!

203
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,793
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, Edward Fortyhands...

204
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:24,164
is a game that involves taping
two forty-ounce bottles
of malt liquor to your hands.

205
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,399
The object
is to finish both bottles--

206
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,269
Oh, my God.
Why am I telling you this?
Let's move on.

207
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:32,840
Okay. You know that
old video of me streaking?

208
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,175
I watch it every day.

209
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:39,479
Well, I-I need you
to take it down off
the Internet, like, right now.

210
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:41,148
There are two ways
that can happen.

211
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,983
One, you can give me
four million dollars,

212
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:46,286
or... you could help me
go to the bathroom,

213
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,988
because I-- I can't--

214
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:51,825
Yeah. Those are two
nonnegotiable noes.

215
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,728
Well, I'm sorry we could not
do business together,
but if you'll excuse me,

216
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,297
I'm in the middle of a game
of Edward Fortyhands,

217
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,633
and the competition
is fierce.

218
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:03,136
Who are you
playing with anyway?

219
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,639
Just myself.

220
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:09,309
[ Ted Narrating ] Meanwhile,
Barney continued listing every
lie he'd ever told to get laid.

221
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,645
"There's no time to explain
how I got bit there.

222
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,847
I just need someone
to suck the poison out!"

223
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:16,984
"The surgeons gave me
a new face, honey.

224
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,952
Aren't you relieved
I'm alive?"

225
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,321
"Me llamo David Beckham."

226
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,957
[ French Accent ]
"If I were only casting
the White Swan,

227
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,093
the role would be yours."

228
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,161
[ Lisping ]
"No, I am a lesbian.

229
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,698
This thing that I'm wearing
is just really lifelike."

230
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,333
Okay, let's skip ahead.
What's the worst one?

231
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,303
The-- The lowest of the low?
The crème de la creepy?

232
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,938
Uh, oh.

233
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,107
I once pulled
"the soul man."

234
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:43,376
There was this beautiful girl
who only dated black guys.

235
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:46,747
Barnell!
Oh! I knew it!

236
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,419
I can't decide.
They're both awesome.

237
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,723
Mmm. If only architects
had two balls, right, Ted?

238
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,625
I got this.
Ted, left or right?

239
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,360
Yes. Yes.
Great idea.

240
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:03,731
Let the fates decide, huh?
I... will... pick... left.

241
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,366
- Just call one of 'em.
- [ Groans ]

242
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,068
But, Ted,
deep in your heart,

243
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,804
you know that you
kind of like one
more than the other.

244
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,472
Trust me, take the other.

245
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,842
Um, maybe I haven't been clear.

246
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,277
This is the Architects' Ball,
Robin.

247
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,812
It's a star-studded event.

248
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,081
Okay, name one celebrity
who's gonna be there.

249
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,984
- Uh, Lenny Kravitz.
- Lenny Kravitz
is gonna be there?

250
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,453
Yeah, he's there every year.
And that guy's a rock star.

251
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:30,023
You know, Ted,
I've been thinking.

252
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,893
It-It's too soon
to narrow it down
between these two girls.

253
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,595
Just take a friend
like-- I-I don't know.

254
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:40,100
Maybe a friend
who had a poster of
Lenny Kravitz on her wall...

255
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,570
and may or may not
have perhaps dated
that poster...

256
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,438
on and off
throughout high school.

257
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,209
This pros and cons list
isn't cutting it.

258
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,346
I need a color chart.

259
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,315
[ Together ]
Color chart!
Color chart!

260
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,785
[ Ted Narrating ]
And, kids, we really chanted.

261
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:01,088
Pete, please.
I'm unemployed,

262
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:04,091
I have a huge mortgage,
I have a baby on the way,

263
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,760
and now I'm about to lose
a job I really need...

264
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,561
because of
a 15-year-old prank.

265
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:11,231
[ Groans ]
Do you hear yourself?
Beercules, what happened?

266
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,233
You're like
a different person.

267
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,169
The guy in that video
was awesome.

268
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,538
He had potential.

269
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:22,242
- He could've been president
of the frat one day.
- There was no frat!

270
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:25,378
- Now he's just a bummer.
- It's not like
I want to be a bummer.

271
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:28,315
I just-- I have to be.

272
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:31,919
I'm gonna be a dad.
You'll have kids someday.
You'll understand.

273
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,954
Dude, I have four kids.

274
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,524
Pete, please
take the video down.

275
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,894
All right, Beercules.
I'll take the video down--

276
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:45,365
if you can best me in a game
of my own choosing.

277
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:46,499
Oh, no.

278
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:50,270
And I select
the beautiful game,
the sweet science--

279
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:53,206
Please, I'm so hungover.
The sport of kings!

280
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,175
I don't want to play
Edward Fortyhands.

281
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:59,179
I was gonna say darts.
But Edward Fortyhands
it is!

282
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,315
And that concludes
all the space-related lies.

283
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,584
Let's move on
to the world of sports.

284
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:07,720
Oh, wait. Sorry.
I just thought of
another space one.

285
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,890
"I've been bitten
by a moon snake.

286
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,459
You need to suck all
the space poison
out of my"--

287
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:15,762
Okay, Barney.
Uh, I have to be at work
tomorrow at 8:00,

288
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:19,532
which means I have just about
enough time to sit in the shower
for 11 hours hugging myself.

289
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,604
So this was fun.
Can I call you, or--

290
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:27,507
Barney, you're funny,
handsome...

291
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,709
and really quite clever.

292
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,444
But you're also
a sociopath.

293
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,947
Well, I count three
pros and one con, so--

294
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,916
How do you still think
you have a chance with me?

295
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,251
Because you sat here
all night.

296
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,187
You could have
left right away,
but you didn't.

297
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,689
Look.

298
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:45,325
Nora, all those lies--
that's the old me.

299
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:48,495
But I swear to you,
I am trying to change.

300
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:52,399
You...
make me wanna change.

301
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,435
How do I know
that's not a lie?

302
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,170
I'll prove it.

303
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,872
I will prove
how serious I am.

304
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:04,844
I will not leave
this diner until I get
a second date with you.

305
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,548
- Good-bye, Barney.
- I'm not kidding.

306
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,483
This is a 24-hour diner.

307
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:14,321
I'll stay here forever
if I have to, and I will.

308
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,490
[ Clears Throat ]
Just water for me, thanks.

309
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,063
Okay. So, red indicates
level of attractiveness.

310
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,098
Blue--
intellectual stimulation.

311
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,100
Green--
emotional connection.

312
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:29,736
Yellow-- compatibility
of life goals.

313
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:32,973
And purple-- whether or not
she reached for the check.

314
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,610
Well, it looks like
Jessica's ahead in
the first four categories.

315
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:42,282
Did not reach
for the check.

316
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:47,254
Oh, this?

317
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,257
No big deal.
Just cost
three months' rent,

318
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,192
and, uh, I've never
gotten to wear it...

319
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,794
because I bought it
for that big event
that you invited me to,

320
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,496
which then fell through.

321
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,432
But you know what?
Don't feel guilty
about that.

322
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,601
- What big event?
- That thing with your uncle.

323
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,204
His funeral?

324
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,739
It didn't fall through.
He miraculously
came out of a coma.

325
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,508
And I forgive you.

326
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:11,044
Now, can I please
meet Lenny Kravitz?

327
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,345
[ Door Rattles ]

328
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,683
I did it again!

329
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,119
Aw, honey.
You got drunk again?

330
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,921
I can't believe
I took the over.

331
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,491
Just to be clear,
"I did it again"...

332
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:28,828
is not a reference
to my current state
of inebriation.

333
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:31,031
What's it a reference to?

334
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:34,934
My name is Marshall Eriksen,
I'm 33 years old,

335
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:40,040
and if my potential
future employer
Garrison Cootes...

336
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,242
is watching this,

337
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:45,078
bow down to Beercules!

338
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,647
[ Laughing ]

339
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:53,853
Well, that could
be anybody.

340
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,023
[ Groans ]

341
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,793
[ Cell Phone Vibrating ]

342
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,196
Oh, goodness.

343
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:06,266
Come on.

344
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,938
Pete, this is Lily Aldrin.

345
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,706
I'm gonna make this
real simple.

346
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,409
You're gonna take down
that video of Marshall.
You know why?

347
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:20,180
Because I'm friends
with three girls
who dated you in college.

348
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,715
And girls tell each other
everything.

349
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,118
Every tiny detail.

350
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:28,088
Huh! So, ticktock, Pete.

351
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:31,624
Ticktock goes the little
wee-wee clock.

352
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,727
- Pete's got a little wee-wee?
- No idea.

353
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,263
What's everyone getting?

354
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,865
This was bound to happen
eventually.

355
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:43,570
I've been trying so hard
to suppress, like,
my carefree idiot side...

356
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:47,074
that it just rebelled
and came out swinging.

357
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,575
It sure did.

358
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,743
[ Marshall ]
Look at me!
I'm a windmill!

359
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:54,047
Who am I kidding?
I'm not ready
to be a dad.

360
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,683
I thought that I was,
but it's, like,

361
00:16:56,749 --> 00:17:00,153
my dad never did stuff
like that, you know.

362
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:03,423
So what if he did?
You'd still love him.

363
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,659
And be honest.
Wouldn't you love
to stumble onto a video...

364
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,396
of him running down the street
naked yelling,

365
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,398
"Hey, Marshall! Look at me!

366
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,600
I got an icicle on my deal!"

367
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,636
[ Barney Groaning ]

368
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,940
Oh. Hey, guys. Wha--
Ow! My neck.

369
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:24,877
Ah. Oh. Hey.
Look at that.

370
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,480
Barney, what are you
doing here?

371
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,683
Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave
until she gave me a second date.

372
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,320
And I mean it.
I've already
been here nine hours.

373
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:36,089
Uh, I still need
another minute.

374
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:39,359
I mean,
call me crazy, but...

375
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,661
I'm gonna stay here
until I get that girl back.

376
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,133
That.

377
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,668
That's what I want.

378
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,704
The way Barney
feels about Nora--
I want that feeling again.

379
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,641
I don't want to be
choosing between two girls.

380
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:59,679
I wanna be a complete,
head-over-heels idiot for one.

381
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:03,650
Yeah. The complete
"head-over-heels idiot" thing
is pretty nice.

382
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,053
Yeah, it's not bad.

383
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,021
Although, for the record,

384
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,658
sweeping declaration--

385
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:17,497
I am never
getting drunk again.

386
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,433
[ Ted Narrating ]
And sure enough--

387
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:24,937
All hail Beercules!
[ Laughing ]
Yeah!

388
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:27,540
But again,
I'm getting ahead of myself.

389
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,877
The next day--
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

390
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,384
[ Beeps ]

391
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,153
- Hello?
- Marshall, Garrison Cootes.

392
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,589
Yes, Mr. Cootes.
Hi. How are you?

393
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,225
I just wanted
to let you know we did
the background check, and--

394
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,327
That is some
disturbing streaking.

395
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,128
Sir, the-the thing
is, um--

396
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:53,099
The rainbow streaking
in this sample is definitely
from chemical runoff.

397
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,268
It's just-- Oh, I'm--
[ Chuckles ]

398
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,205
Bottom line-- we'd love
to have you on board.

399
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,174
That is fantastic.
Thank you, Mr. Cootes.

400
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,244
Well, you're welcome.
And-- Oh, and when
you're at the office,

401
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,713
try to wear some clothes,
okay, Beercules?

402
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,215
[ Laughs ]

403
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:11,318
- Wow, that's a big snake!
- Oh, there's a snake
in the swamp?

404
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,753
No, I'm talkin'
about your penis.
See ya tomorrow.

405
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,657
I got the job.
Yay!

406
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:20,159
And I think
that my boss already
sexually harassed me.

407
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:22,061
But he saw the video,
and he-he doesn't care.

408
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:25,832
Oh! See that?
Maybe Beercules
isn't so bad after all.

409
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,200
No.
[ Cell Phone Rings ]

410
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,168
[ Beeps ]
Hmm. Hello?

411
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:33,005
Hey, Marshall.
My name is Pete Durkenson.
We went to Wesleyan together.

412
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:36,676
Yeah, no, I know, Pete.
We-We just hung out yesterday.

413
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:38,778
All right.
Now Lily's message
makes a little more sense.

414
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,314
Listen. Don't worry, bro.
I'm gonna take down the video.

415
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,083
You know what?
Leave it up.

416
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:46,253
Whatever you say, Beercules.

417
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,588
[ Monitor Beeping ]

418
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,857
Scalpel.

419
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,759
You know what?
This is good.

420
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:55,228
I want our kid to see
every side of who I am.

421
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:59,932
Yeah. Even the side
that runs through
the East Village hangin' brain.

422
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,371
I'm gonna call Pete back.
That's a good idea.

423
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,740
[ Ted Narrating ]
That evening, I took Robin
to the Architects' Ball.

424
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,243
Thanks again
for taking me to this.
Mmm. My pleasure.

425
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,944
And you know, you might
find it interesting.

426
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:13,913
Some of these guys represent
the living history of--

427
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,949
Yeah, yeah.
Where's Lenny Kravitz?
He's right there.

428
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:19,018
Leonard Kravitz,

429
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,187
world-renowned architect.

430
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,122
Guy's a rock star.

431
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,992
He's gonna be giving
his famous 90-minute lecture
on crossbeams.

432
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,627
Oh, great.

433
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:30,930
I'm gonna go find one
and hang myself from it.
Okay.

434
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:34,301
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, you can't talk yourself
into falling in love.

435
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,936
It doesn't take
days of deliberation.

436
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:40,540
When it's real,
you know pretty quickly...

437
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,610
and with absolute certainty.

438
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,547
I had forgotten that.

439
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,949
But I was about
to be reminded.

440
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:53,152
** [ Rock ]
[ Man ]
* Victoria *

441
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:56,022
* Victoria *

442
00:20:56,088 --> 00:21:02,695
* Victoria **