1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,905
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, in the spring of 2011,
Zoey and I broke up.

2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:07,775
But the good news--
Goliath National Bank
was finally ready...

3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:11,945
to demolish the Arcadian
and build the new headquarters
I had designed for them.

4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,947
Ho!

5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,150
The only problem was
I kept butting heads...
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

6
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,253
with my project supervisor
on one very important issue.

7
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,355
I want to press the button
to blow up the Arcadian!

8
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,124
I want to press it!
I want to press it!

9
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:25,959
I want to press it!
Guys, I dated you both,

10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,461
and neither of you
is good at pressing...

11
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,597
or even finding
"the button."

12
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,766
After some awkward pawing
around, that building's
gonna fake an implosion,

13
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:35,636
say,
"Baby, that was great,"
and go to sleep.

14
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,339
She means you.
She means you.

15
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,441
I want to press it.
I want to press it.

16
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:41,875
I am gonna press the button!
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

17
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,444
It's just
a button, okay?

18
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:45,979
Can we just talk about
something else, please?
[ Sighs ]

19
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,150
Well, I ran
into Zoey yesterday.

20
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:50,718
Ooh.
Ooh.

21
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,954
That's the first time
since the breakup.
How's she doing?

22
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:57,425
I'm still unemployed,
so I had to get
a couple roommates.

23
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,527
Saving money.
[ Chuckles ]

24
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,762
Making new friends.
No downside.

25
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:03,664
They're all 22 and sell drugs.

26
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:08,202
Which means
they're not taking them,
so that's a win.

27
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:13,741
Well, I can tell you're
really busy, so I should--
I'll let you go.

28
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,376
Hey.

29
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,010
You want to get coffee
sometime?

30
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,047
You know "coffee" is code
for "I want to get back
together," right?

31
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:24,051
Well, at first I wasn't sure,
but then she said something
that got me thinking.

32
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,386
I want to get back together.

33
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,121
- [ Both Groan ]
- Don't worry.

34
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:30,491
We're not. I just--
I feel bad Zoey's
having such a hard time.

35
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,528
You know what might make you
feel better, buddy?

36
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,530
I'm not letting you
press the button.
I want to press the button!

37
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,098
You're not pressing
the button! It's my button!
I'm gonna press--

38
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,268
[ Ted Narrating ]
Sadly, that's all you need
to know about my summer.

39
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:44,472
Now around this time,
Uncle Marshall was still having
a tough time finding a job.

40
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,707
He's out printing up
a whole new
batch of résumés...

41
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,377
because he misspelled
the phrase
"detail oriented."

42
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,512
Mm.
And when he
gets back home,

43
00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:54,114
he is gonna find
his favorite soup
there waiting for him.

44
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:58,252
Aw. That's sweet, Lil,
but didn't you guys get
food poisoning here one time?

45
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:02,290
Three times.
But they're really
nice about it.

46
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:05,659
Their policy is "get sick,
get a free gallon of soup."

47
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,862
[ Sneezes,
Clears Throat ]

48
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,268
And so Lily dropped off
Marshall's surprise soup
and headed back to work...

49
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:17,070
to introduce the new class pet.

50
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,039
This is Mr. Buttons II.

51
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:22,109
Now, after what happened
to Mr. Buttons I,

52
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,745
we have to be
very gentle with--

53
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:27,080
[ Vomits ]

54
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,217
[ Groaning ]

55
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:32,520
Marshall!

56
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,132
[ All ]
Ew!

57
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,268
[ Panting ]

58
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:52,906
- [ Tires Screech ]
- [ Horn Honks ]

59
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,375
Sorry.

60
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,515
[ Vomits ]

61
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,685
[ Groans, Panting ]

62
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,191
Don't eat the soup!

63
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,329
Oh. Thank God.
[ Panting ]

64
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:18,332
This was about to be
my third bowl.

65
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,569
Why shouldn't I eat the soup?

66
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,239
[ Retches, Vomits ]

67
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,840
[ Groans ]

68
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,378
Why shouldn't I eat the soup?

69
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,946
** [ Upbeat Pop ]

70
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,484
** [ Man Vocalizing ]

71
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,424
** [ Ends ]

72
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:47,160
Hey, Mr. Architect!
Big day for you tomorrow, huh?

73
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,063
Yeah. Getting to stand next
to me while I press the button.

74
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,199
That is gonna be legen--
wait for it--

75
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,201
dary adjacent.

76
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:57,070
Legendary adjacent!

77
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,573
You okay?

78
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,974
Yeah. No.

79
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,944
I-- This morning I was
talking to the foreman.

80
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,946
Hey, hotshot.

81
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,716
You know, Rod, um,
I'm loving that nickname.

82
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,352
And I can tell
it's totally affectionate.

83
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,987
But, uh, I prefer Ted.

84
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,824
Yeah, but you're such a hotshot,

85
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,827
I figured I'd just
call you "hotshot."

86
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,930
Pick one. And make sure
you like it.

87
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:27,635
There's gonna be 50,000
of these in your big
hotshot building, hotshot.

88
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,704
50,000 lightbulbs.

89
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,573
I mean, what if
this one's too bright?

90
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,107
What if this one flickers...

91
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,176
and gives everyone
a weird headache?

92
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,578
Do you know how many
people it takes...

93
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,747
to change 50,000 lightbulbs?

94
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,449
Are these people
Irish, Polish, blondes?

95
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,883
What are we dealing with here?

96
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,353
There's so many
decisions to be made.

97
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,654
What if I make all
the wrong ones...

98
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,121
and my building just sucks?

99
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:49,122
Not possible.

100
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,391
Your building is new.

101
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,959
And I have one rule--

102
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,462
new is always better.

103
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,297
You can't keep saying you have
one rule if they're always
different rules.

104
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,232
Ah! But "new is
always better"...

105
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,434
is my oldest rule,

106
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,969
which makes it the best.

107
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,373
- Marsh.
- Hey, buddy.

108
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,475
- Hey.
- Everything okay?

109
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,777
Lily got food poisoning
from some soup.

110
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,211
[ Groans ]

111
00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,380
And then I ate the soup...

112
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,047
exactly three hours later,

113
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:15,583
which means I can see...

114
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,386
exactly three hours
into my future.

115
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:24,492
And it doesn't... look... good.

116
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,560
[ Marshall ]
I tried to be supportive.

117
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,463
Oh, baby, can you
just hold me, please?

118
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,799
Of course, baby.

119
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,668
[ Groans Softly ]

120
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,804
But it doesn't help
that when Lily gets going...

121
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,573
she sounds like a velociraptor
from Jurassic Park.

122
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:44,211
[ Loud Roaring, Vomiting ]

123
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:49,316
But then I realized a man can do
a lot of living in three hours.

124
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:54,688
So I'm out experiencing
this beautiful,
crazy dance called life.

125
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:56,890
Ah. My last meal.

126
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,192
MacLaren's famous
jalapeño poppers.

127
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:02,996
My doctor says I need
to eat healthier, so I figure
the round-trip flight...

128
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:06,366
these babies are about to take
will land them permanently
on the no-fry list.

129
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,737
Good-bye, my friend.

130
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,574
It's been a hell of a ride.

131
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,912
I have to--
[ Whimpers ]

132
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,382
Hey, babe.

133
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,084
The gang says,
"Feel better."

134
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:26,487
Mm, thanks. Wait.

135
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:29,356
You didn't tell them
I had food poisoning, did you?

136
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,091
Um, I--

137
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:34,828
Marshall, when it's
stomach stuff, you just say
"under the weather,"

138
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,798
or people start picturing you
doing unspeakable things.

139
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:41,702
I know! I just said
that you have the sniffles.

140
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:46,139
No one is picturing anything
but little red-nosed you...

141
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,275
under a blanky
with some hot tea.

142
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:51,278
I wonder what end
it's coming out of Lily
right now.

143
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,180
[ Laughing ]
I bet it's her tushie.

144
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,282
I bet it's both.
[ Laughs ]

145
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,117
[ Imitates Explosions ]

146
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,952
[ Imitates Retching ]

147
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:02,456
[ Laughs ]
Hey, speaking of explosions,
enough already, Ted!

148
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,091
That button's mine!

149
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,659
Yeah, fine, okay.

150
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:08,361
I got you this job, so I--
Say what?

151
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:12,332
Whatever. It's yours.
I got to run.

152
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:13,767
You--

153
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,404
[ Cell Phone Rings ]

154
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:18,639
Hello?

155
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,241
Yes, it is.

156
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:24,444
It's Bloom,
Greenberg & Associates.
They want me to come interview.

157
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:26,313
[ Loud Roar, Vomiting ]

158
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,081
Yes, I know it's risky to go,

159
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,383
but this is the best
environmental law firm
in New York.

160
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,585
It's my dream job.

161
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,921
[ Roaring, Bellowing ]

162
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:37,024
That's a great idea, babe.
I'll ask them.

163
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,561
Hey, is it at all possible--
Could I come in on Monday?

164
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:45,298
Okay, I'll see you at 5:00.
Thank you.

165
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:49,469
[ Roaring, Bellowing ]

166
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,939
I love and believe
in you too, baby.

167
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,577
Why would Ted just give up
the button like that?

168
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:57,878
He--
[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

169
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,680
And he forgot his phone.
[ Scoffs ]

170
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,483
- "See you in an hour."
- Who's that from?

171
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:06,754
Zoey. They're meeting
for coffee.

172
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,823
Ted's getting back
together with her.

173
00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:18,298
Why would Ted
get back together with Zoey?
He's doing great.

174
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,634
Well, after a breakup,
we all think we're doing great.

175
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:23,604
But sometimes
the tiniest trigger
can unravel you...

176
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,372
and send you crawling
right back.

177
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,974
No. I refuse to believe
that Ted...

178
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,176
is getting back
together with Zoey
because of lightbulbs.

179
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,178
Uh, Ted's gone back for less.

180
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,581
[ Air Hissing ]

181
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,619
Hi. Natalie, you want
to get coffee sometime?

182
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,520
[ Bell Dings ]

183
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:43,791
Bro?

184
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,594
Ted, I only have one rule.

185
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,196
[ Sobbing ]
But I can't reach
the worst part.

186
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:53,500
Hi, Karen.
Want to get coffee sometime?

187
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,402
[ Bell Dings ]

188
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,970
[ Man On TV ]
Coming up next--

189
00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:01,041
our two local pandas,
Ming Ming and Bao Bao,
are expecting a baby.

190
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,777
- Robin, you want
to get coffee sometime?
- [ Blows Raspberry ]

191
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,545
Get it together, bro.

192
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,650
According
to my calculations,
at 6:00 p.m....

193
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:14,454
my body is gonna pay out
like the most disgusting
slot machine in the world.

194
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:17,925
That gives me two hours
to go do the interview
and still get back in time.

195
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,427
Oh, but, baby,
what if you hit
the jackpot early?

196
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,931
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be prepared.

197
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:27,768
** [ Drumming: March ]

198
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,376
[ Exhales ]

199
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,178
[ Sloshing ]

200
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,615
[ Both Laugh ]

201
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,851
Well, I'm talking
your ear off. Sorry.

202
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,119
Is there anything
I can do for you, sweetie?

203
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:52,125
Can I borrow...

204
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,927
an adult diaper?

205
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,098
We gotta stop Ted.
Where are they meeting?

206
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:01,334
Okay, Zoey wrote,
"Meet me at 6:00
where it all began,

207
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,737
where you gave me the orchid
at the intersection."

208
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,939
Well, that's good.
All we have to do
is think back...

209
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,275
to the time Ted told us about
his first date with Zoey.

210
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,511
Amazing first date with Zoey.
We met at the intersection--

211
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:14,815
[ Trombone Squawking ]

212
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,284
Aw! That's sweet.
Totally.

213
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,253
- You weren't listening either?
- I was in a coma.

214
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,956
I mean, who pays attention
to that sappy romantic crap?

215
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,892
- [ Scoffs ]
Lily!
- Lily!

216
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,494
Yeah, I wasn't listening either.

217
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,130
Ted really can
go on about a bitch.

218
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:33,901
Great. He could be anywhere,
and we're flat out of clues.
I--

219
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,769
Hey, wait!
Ted left a message.

220
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:39,339
I couldn't hear it
'cause I was in the bathroom...
blowing my nose.

221
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,141
I have the sniffles.

222
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,575
[ Beeps ]

223
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,377
[ Ted ] Hey, Lily.
Hope you're feeling better.
[ Man Chattering ]

224
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,947
Marshall told us
you're exploding from both ends
like a busted fire hydrant.

225
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,516
- [ Stifled Laugh ]
- Damn it, Marshall.

226
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,385
Anyway, listen.
I was gonna get back together
with Zoey today,

227
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:55,823
but then I came to my senses
on the way out here, so--

228
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,657
False alarm.
[ Laughs ]

229
00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:01,228
Oh, crap.
I just stepped in some gum.

230
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,196
I'm getting back together
with Zoey!
[ Machine Beeps ]

231
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,298
[ Sighs ]
Okay, we're never
gonna find him.

232
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,769
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
That was a subway announcement
in the background.

233
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:09,737
I speak conductor.

234
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,504
- [ Beeps ]
- Hey, Lily.

235
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,273
- Hope you're feeling better.
Marshall told us--
- [ Man Chattering ]

236
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,943
Got it. Ted's at--

237
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:18,779
Lil--

238
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,581
[ Loud Roaring ]

239
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:22,816
[ Laughs ]

240
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,517
[ Lily ]
Ah-choo!

241
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,353
Ted's at Smith and 9th Street.

242
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,388
Then that's
the intersection.
That's in Brooklyn.

243
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,424
How are we ever gonna
get there in time?
Way ahead of you.

244
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,162
Hello!

245
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,068
Marshall! Jake Bloom.
Great to meet you.

246
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,804
Hello. Hi.
Hey. Oh, I'm sorry
about the stench.

247
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:47,174
We're suing a factory
that's been dumping raw sewage
into a local marshland.

248
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,876
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah. Ten minutes ago,

249
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:52,112
I was knee-deep
in liquefied human feces.

250
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:55,182
And that was just
on the F train.
[ Laughs ]

251
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,150
[ Forced Laugh ]

252
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,586
I can't believe
Ted's getting back
together with Zoey.

253
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:02,655
I know. They were
a total train wreck.
Unmitigated disaster.

254
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,691
Worst couple ever.

255
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:05,759
Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

256
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,460
Almost as bad as us.

257
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,996
[ Laughs ]

258
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,031
We were a mess.
[ Laughs ]

259
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,233
Do you remember how awful
I looked by the end?

260
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:17,704
My hair was falling out.
My skin was gray.
My back was hunched.

261
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:19,239
What about me?

262
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:22,675
I got so fat,
at the end of the date
you'd unhook my bra.

263
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:26,146
[ Laughs ]
You were the only boyfriend
I ever motorboated.

264
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:28,281
[ Both Laugh ]

265
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,551
Thank God we're not
sentimental saps who panic
and get back together.

266
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,719
Seriously.

267
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,487
Why would people do that?

268
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,926
I guess I get it.

269
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,193
What do you mean?

270
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,296
Well, no matter
how bad things got,

271
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:49,369
Ted really did love
Zoey for a minute there,
didn't he?

272
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,010
Yeah. He did.

273
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:02,549
And... she loved him too.

274
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,118
Didn't she?

275
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,156
Yeah, she did.

276
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,759
[ Tires Screech ]

277
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:14,561
[ Clears Throat ]

278
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,997
Smith
and 9th Street.

279
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,631
[ Mouth Full ]
So, let me show you...

280
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:21,935
some of the gut-wrenching
environmental atrocities...

281
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,703
that we are working
to stop, okay?

282
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,072
Mmm.
[ Smacks Lips ]

283
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,875
- Here. Pop quiz.
- [ Clicks On ]

284
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,910
What is that?

285
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,744
[ Winces ]
That's a seal.

286
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,413
Bingo. Yes.

287
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,683
A bloated seal corpse
rotting in industrial waste.

288
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:37,985
Mm-hmm.

289
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,020
Now, wait till you see
what we found...

290
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:42,122
when we cut him open.

291
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,523
[ Clicks ]

292
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,093
Okay, where the hell are they?
Maybe this isn't
the intersection.

293
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,995
Well, maybe it is
and we're too late.

294
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,497
Man, I wish we'd gotten
to Brooklyn sooner.

295
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,165
[ Man ]
I know, right?

296
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:56,436
Ever since
the Trader Joe's opened up,
Brooklyn is so-- whatever.

297
00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:59,406
Wait.
Where'd you get that?

298
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,975
Across the street.
At The Intersection.

299
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,578
So, um,

300
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:09,482
you guys wanna buy
some weed or--

301
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:21,761
She's alone.
There's still time.
But where the hell is Ted?

302
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:25,165
Wait a minute.
On their first date,
he brought her an orchid.

303
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,667
How much do you wanna bet
he's gonna do it again?

304
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,102
- Brilliant.
- Right?

305
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,938
But wait. He had a huge
head start on us.

306
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,472
There's no way
he's still in there,

307
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,942
unless he spent
half an hour picking out
the perfect orchid.

308
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,944
Thanks, Julia.

309
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,347
You know what?

310
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,216
Let me see the
pink lady's slipper again.

311
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,187
Now, you know
what that is?

312
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:51,558
A pile of rotting
seagull carcasses...

313
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,660
covered in toxic sludge.

314
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,928
Being eaten by rats.
Mm-hmm.

315
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,463
Exactly.

316
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,966
Now this next slide--
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

317
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,868
I'm sorry.
That's my wife's
water birth.

318
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,004
I don't know
how that got in there.

319
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,040
[ Sighs ]

320
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,509
Anyway,
that's all my questions.

321
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,445
[ Thinking ]
Oh, my God. I made it.

322
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:16,116
Now just shake his hand,
clench your very soul
and run like hell.

323
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:19,319
Mm. Now, I like to
set aside 20 minutes...

324
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,089
at the end
of every interview
for your questions.

325
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:26,126
So don't hold back.
Whatever you got inside
there, you just let 'er rip.

326
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:31,398
I can't do this anymore.
I'm just gonna tell him
the truth.

327
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,668
When it's stomach stuff,
you just say
"under the weather,"

328
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:39,172
or people start picturing you
doing unspeakable things.

329
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,808
I have food poisoning...

330
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,978
and I'm about to start
volcanoing toxic sludge
out of both ends.

331
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,279
Nailed it.

332
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,252
Thanks, Julia!

333
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:53,853
[ Sighs ]

334
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,488
No. On second thought--

335
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,990
No!
[ Shouts ]

336
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,992
[ Grunting ]
Come on!
What the hell?

337
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,527
You can't get back
together with Zoey...

338
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,262
just because
you're freaking out
over a lightbulb.

339
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,431
I'm not freaking out
over a lightbulb.

340
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,134
I'm freaking out
over 50,000 lightbulbs!

341
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,136
I can't do this.

342
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,638
I only got this job
because you gave it
to me, Barney.

343
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,373
I didn't earn it.

344
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:17,644
Look, Ted,
the future is scary.

345
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:21,381
But you can't just
run back to the past
because it's familiar.

346
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,484
Yes, it's tempting.

347
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,487
But...

348
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,056
it's a mistake.

349
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,723
[ Sighs ]

350
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:34,194
[ Sighs ]
You're right.

351
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,297
Um, excuse me.

352
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:40,133
Can you give this
to the blonde
sitting alone in there...

353
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,136
and tell her
Ted's really sorry?

354
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,372
Also--

355
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,108
Indirect sunlight.
Don't overwater.

356
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:49,776
Half a cup a week
is more than enough.

357
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,522
[ No Audible Dialogue ]

358
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:05,525
No. Um--

359
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:06,893
Hi.

360
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,561
[ Ted Narrating ]
And, kids--

361
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,965
That's how I met your mother.

362
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,802
Psych.
It was just some chick.

363
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,241
Hey, baby. How'd it go?

364
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,009
Lily, this year--
[ Briefcase Clatters ]

365
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:28,081
this nasty, school-yard
bully of a year-- will not stop
punching me in the face.

366
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,583
How did we kick off 2011?

367
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,119
My dad died.

368
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:36,089
And now after five months
of unemployment,
I just blew my dream job.

369
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:39,226
Good news is, in a few seconds,
I'm gonna start heaving
my guts out...

370
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,394
because that's what
life is for me now--

371
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,864
just losing what's inside
until I'm just empty.

372
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,399
Baby, come here.

373
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,670
I just wanna shut my eyes
for a few seconds
before it starts.

374
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,210
[ Sighs ]

375
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750
[ Ted Narrating ]
And Marshall slept.

376
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,221
All night.

377
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:21,368
Okay, hotshot.

378
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,936
Mr. Stinson.

379
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:25,438
Who's going to do the honors?

380
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:27,674
He is.

381
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,975
Are you sure?

382
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:31,478
Yeah. You earned it.

383
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,482
All clear.

384
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,450
[ Exhales ]

385
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:39,186
Hey.

386
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,454
New is always better, right?

387
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:43,623
Always.

388
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:46,793
Ten,

389
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,561
nine, eight--

390
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:52,732
Lily. It's a miracle.
I didn't get sick.

391
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,567
I-- I didn't get sick.

392
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,403
I know, baby.

393
00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,173
I'm pregnant.

394
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,642
** [ Alternative Rock ]
[ Exhales ]

395
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,631
[ Man ]
* Let it roll
across the floor *

396
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,636
* Through the hole
and out the door *

397
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,407
* To the fountain
of perpetual *

398
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,543
You know, I'm proud of you
for giving Ted the button.

399
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,746
It meant a lot.
It's just a button.

400
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,814
[ Mock Crying ]
Can we talk about
something else, please?

401
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,750
[ Laughs ]

402
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:46,219
** [ Continues ]

403
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:47,787
I don't--
But you need to.

404
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,623
Nora.
Hi.

405
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,024
How have you been?

406
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,593
Fine.

407
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:59,566
Hey, look.
I don't know why you would
possibly say yes to this,

408
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:03,270
but would you want
to grab a cup of coffee
with me sometime?

409
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:06,873
Twenty minutes.
I was such a jerk to you.

410
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:10,176
You can spend the entire
time calling me every
dirty name in the book.

411
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:13,346
I speak four languages.
I'm gonna need more
than 20 minutes.

412
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,549
I'll call you.

413
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,751
You look beautiful,
by the way.

414
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,421
And here I thought it was
too late for sundresses.

415
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,590
It's never too late, Barney.

416
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,928
Challenge accepted.

417
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:31,798
** [ Continues ]

418
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,777
Best man,
you're being summoned.

419
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,446
Geez. What now?

420
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,583
* Let it roll *

421
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,785
I heard the groom needed me.

422
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,488
* Let it roll *

423
00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:57,724
What do you think
of this tie?

424
00:20:58,491 --> 00:20:59,759
* Let it roll **