1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:02,670 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, when your Uncle Marshall... 2 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:06,140 finally quit Goliath National Bank to do something better with his life, 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,775 he left on great terms with his boss. 4 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:12,080 Good luck, Marshall. And promise you'll list me as a reference. 5 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,781 [ Elevator Bell Dings ] 6 00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,085 [ Ted Narrating ] Which made Marshall's big interview... 7 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,653 with a respected environmental organization all the more confusing. 8 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,191 I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. 9 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,593 I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB. 10 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,995 Oh, yeah. I worked with Marshall Eriksen. 11 00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:30,398 At least I did when he actually showed up. 12 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:34,034 [ Bell Dings ] Marshall! Hey, it's-- it's 2:30. 13 00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:38,038 If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you tried to get here at least before lunch. 14 00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:41,475 Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass. 15 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,211 [ Slaps Butt ] 16 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:49,417 Oh! Mr. Eriksen, you're not wearing any pants. 17 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,253 Your move. 18 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,991 But, Marshall, what-- what about the environment? 19 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,095 Screw the environment! 20 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:04,598 - "Screw the environment"? - [ Sighs ] Oh, yeah. 21 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,701 We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office... 22 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,937 with an even cuter seal. 23 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,106 Guy's a maniac. 24 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:16,277 He's just an awful, flatulent racist. 25 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:19,547 - Sir, none of that is-- - Sorry. Interview over. 26 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:26,987 [ Ted Narrating ] And so Marshall stormed over to GNB, where he ran into Zoey. 27 00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:30,824 If you wanna get back at those jerks, I have a proposition for you. 28 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:35,796 Invitations for the demolition of the Arcadian. 29 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,532 As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down. 30 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,235 I'm torn between training an actual coyote... 31 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,771 to use an Acme dynamite plunger... 32 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:47,508 or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar... 33 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,511 that goes off the second he hits the last note to "Hot For Teacher." 34 00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:54,382 [ Imitates Guitar Note, Fuse Sizzling, Explosion ] 35 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,218 [ Imitates Crowd Cheering ] Barney! Barney! Bar-- 36 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:58,852 No. No. I'm gonna go coyote. 37 00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:02,490 While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote... 38 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,792 wearing a little hard hat more than me, 39 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:08,329 remember, Zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down. 40 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,698 Oh, come on! Zoey's not shutting anything down, 41 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:13,567 standing out there with her stupid megaphone, screaming in the wind, 42 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:16,204 butt cheeks trembling with fury, 43 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,872 her perky breasts heaving, 44 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,841 her self-righteous nipples-- 45 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,843 Dude, that's my girlfriend. 46 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:26,447 Point is, we are takin' her and the Arcadian down. 47 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,782 - Am I right, Teddy Westside? - You know it! 48 00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,985 Ha-ha! Okay, see, that's so weird to me. 49 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,188 That one second you're defending Zoey, 50 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,490 and the next you're talking about her going down. 51 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,926 Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. 52 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,494 What up? 53 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:43,397 Dude, that's his girlfriend. 54 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,533 Isn't it tough dating the woman... 55 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,935 that's trying to prevent your building from being built? 56 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,004 At first, yes, but we figured out a great way to deal with it. 57 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,773 We never talk about it. 58 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,309 And since then, we've really been enjoying each other's company. 59 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,345 So, every time the Arcadian comes up, 60 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,747 you guys just awkwardly change the subject? 61 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,883 Yeah. But you'd be surprised. Doesn't even come up that often. 62 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,518 Hey, guys. [ All ] Hey! 63 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:07,788 Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save the Arcadian. 64 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,528 So, Oprah's retiring. Oof! 65 00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,897 What's that world gonna be like? 66 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,734 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 67 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,272 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 68 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,044 ** [ Ends ] 69 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:34,248 Wait. Marshall's helping you save the Arcadian now? 70 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:38,586 Yeah. Having a former GNB employee on our side is huge for us. 71 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,954 GNB is goin' down. Totally. 72 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:45,726 So they found water on Mars. What? 73 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:49,897 Listen, I hate to go up against my two best friends, 74 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,999 but I really-- I really need this right now. 75 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,701 I mean, we're cool, right? 76 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,538 Not only do you quit the job I stuck my neck out to get you, 77 00:03:57,605 --> 00:04:00,341 now you sabotage the project I'm in charge of? 78 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,210 Is this because I brushed Lily's boob with my elbow the other day? 79 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,978 - That was on purpose! - What now? 80 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,415 - This is really crossing the line. - Barney, please-- 81 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:08,882 [ Ted Narrating ] And thus began an all-out war... 82 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,551 - between Barney and Marshall. - Get used to it! 83 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,786 Delivery from Mr. Stinson. 84 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,922 Barney sent us pictures of himself. 85 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,758 Oh, God. What's he doing to that megaphone? [ Screams ] 86 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:19,860 Ugh. 87 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,196 [ Screams ] Oh! 88 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,066 [ Cackling ] 89 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:28,469 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! 90 00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:32,873 [ Ted Narrating ] Later, back at the bar, another war was just beginning. 91 00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:37,611 Babe, can I get you a drink? 92 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:41,915 No. I'm still not ready to put my mouth on anything yet. 93 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,652 [ Sighs ] I know. 94 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:48,356 You know what? Screw this. Game on. 95 00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:59,099 Can you believe this one? Wants our booth. 96 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,834 Keeps giving us the walk-by. 97 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,371 That bitch is not giving us the walk-by. 98 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,439 The walk-by with the stink-eye. 99 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,240 [ Squeaky Voice ] The stink-eye walk-by? 100 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,176 Aw, hell, no! 101 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:12,045 I hope this drink isn't teething, 'cause it's about to get nursed. 102 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,483 [ Grunts ] 103 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,151 Barney, your wife just called from the hospital. 104 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,253 It's a boy! Look-- 105 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,322 [ Stammering ] 106 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,326 [ Ted Narrating ] This went on for days. 107 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,928 Congratulations. 108 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:31,064 You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with. 109 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,133 [ Blows Raspberry ] Try 283. 110 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,769 250 was months ago. No, no, no. 111 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:39,039 I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, no! 112 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,941 Oh, bye-bye. [ Chuckling ] 113 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:49,817 Mr. Stinson, I had to rush down as soon as I got your results. 114 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:54,422 I'm sorry, but your crabs... have super herpes. 115 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,829 Oh, boy. Look who's back. 116 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:05,098 Look, Lily. I think this girl wants our seat. 117 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:09,036 Should we leave or stay here Lionel Richie style-- 118 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:11,572 "All Night Long"? 119 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:14,341 [ Chuckles ] Excuse me, waitress. I'll have a mojito. 120 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,610 And you'll have a no-seat, ho! 121 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,546 Oh! 122 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,448 [ Loud Mock Laugh ] 123 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:27,621 Ah, yes. The sweet, smoky taste of victory. 124 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,857 Are you sure it doesn't taste like anything else? 125 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:33,060 - [ Gasps ] - That's it! 126 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,928 Kent, Kent! 127 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:38,231 Oh, God! [ Screams ] Why would you do that to your own jacket? 128 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:42,135 That's what you get, you traitor! 129 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,604 - Oh, really? - Yeah, really. 130 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,573 Really? Yeah. Re-- 131 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:48,609 Okay! Enough! You guys are outta here. 132 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,878 - Come on! - Ejected. 133 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:55,616 I meant all of you! You're all banned from the bar! Out! 134 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,785 - Carl! - [ Sighs ] Carl. 135 00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,954 This has nothing to do with us. It's totally ridiculous. 136 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:05,392 - [ Robin Gasps ] - [ Gasps, Sighs, Chuckles ] 137 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,761 Don't look, baby. Just don't look. 138 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,497 Come on. 139 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,368 This stupid feud isn't gonna end... 140 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,572 until Marshall and Barney finally talk about their feelings, cry... 141 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,675 and then hug it out like they do on Oprah. 142 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,077 Man, what are we gonna do without her? 143 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,979 Oh! [ Sighs ] 144 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,515 Oprah. 145 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,985 Wait. You know what? These guys are not gonna get all mushy sober. 146 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,254 We need to get these bitches drunk. 147 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,957 Yes, but the right kind of drunk. 148 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:40,894 Uh, we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine? 149 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:45,098 Oh, I don't know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. 150 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,835 He reaches a point of sad clarity. 151 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,603 [ All ] Ten, nine, eight-- 152 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,839 I'm a B-plus. seven, six-- 153 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,842 My whole life I was hoping to be an "A," and I'm a B-plus. 154 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,611 ...three, two, one! And I'm okay with that. 155 00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,980 [ Crowd ] Happy New Year! 156 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:03,984 If we want them to open up, I say we go straight-up gin. 157 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:06,319 Ooh. Last time Marshall got gin drunk... 158 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,389 was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to. Mmm. 159 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:11,692 Marshall almost got in a fight that night. 160 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:14,662 ** [ Loud Electronic Dance ] [ People Chattering ] 161 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:20,333 [ Thinking ] Look at this meatball. 162 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,337 He's headed right towards me, showin' me no respect. 163 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:28,041 Well, if he wants to play chicken, this rooster ain't backin' down! 164 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,682 Oh. Mirror. 165 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:38,619 How about martinis? Absolutely not. 166 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,988 I'm not going anywhere near you and a martini. 167 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,956 Why not? 168 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:47,027 Mmm. Know what would be stupid? Ooh. 169 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:50,130 If we made out. That would be so stupid. [ Laughing ] 170 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:54,902 Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out. 171 00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,504 Every time. 172 00:08:57,571 --> 00:09:02,509 I only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. 173 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:05,078 So stupid. Uh-huh. 174 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:09,216 Oh, yeah? Well, what about you and absinthe? 175 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:12,686 I don't know. We could have water, soda, purple stuff. 176 00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,055 We're a dream a baby's having. 177 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,659 A dream that babies have. [ Giggling ] 178 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:21,829 I keep telling you, that didn't-- It happened, and it changed me. 179 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,532 How about daiquiris? Maybe. 180 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,601 When Marshall has daiquiris, 181 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:31,171 he gets really into how beautiful he is. 182 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,006 Hey. 183 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,376 I dare you guys to dare us to make out. 184 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,946 Hey, Marsh, you know that's another mirror, right? 185 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,583 Peppermint schnapps? No! 186 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:47,054 Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson. Who? 187 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,924 The crazy old host of Family Feud who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth. 188 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:54,461 Hey there, darlin'. 189 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,964 How you doin'? 190 00:09:57,030 --> 00:10:00,233 Hi. Is this your sister? Mmm, mmm. 191 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:04,638 Beautiful! Mmm. Mmm. 192 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,775 - Hey, where are our chicken wings? - Show me "chicken wings"! 193 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:12,079 - [ Bell Dings ] - Ah! Good order, Ted! 194 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,715 Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey, then we're off. 195 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,884 See ya Sunday. [ Lily ] Oh, wait, Ted. 196 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,987 Do you have a specific reaction to any kind of alcohol? 197 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,956 Bourbon. When I drink bourbon, 198 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:26,459 I get weirdly good at beatboxing. 199 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:29,697 ** [ Beatboxing ] 200 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,369 - Peace. I'm out. - [ Cheering ] 201 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:37,938 Yeah! 202 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,841 Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you, 203 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,744 but the bourbon only makes it sound good to you. 204 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,378 [ Sputters ] Pa-choo! 205 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,880 [ Sputters ] Pa-choo! 206 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,615 Ki-ki-ki-ki, ki-ki-ki-ki! 207 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,083 Ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka-ka! 208 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,685 Koo-koo-koo-koo, koo-koo-koo-koo! 209 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,822 Poom! [ Sputtering ] 210 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,857 Peace. I'm out. 211 00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:59,359 [ Microphone Feedback ] 212 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,831 You had to take that away from me, didn't you? 213 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,201 Well, enjoy Martha's Vineyard. 214 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,637 Hopefully, by the time you get back, we'll be allowed back into MacLaren's. 215 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:15,142 - What do you mean? - Barney and Marshall's feud got us banned from the bar. 216 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,210 [ Choking Up ] We lost our booth. 217 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:18,678 Oh-- Stop. 218 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:22,515 Man, how did things get so screwed up? 219 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,385 [ Ted Narrating ] Of course, I knew the answer to that-- I was dating her. 220 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,321 But I wasn't about to ruin our first big romantic weekend away... 221 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:32,425 by bringing up the one topic we agreed was completely off-limits. 222 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:35,428 You and the Arcadian are ruining my life! What? 223 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:38,665 - I thought we weren't talking about-- - We're talking about this. 224 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,969 Look, I can handle you trying to prevent me from fulfilling a lifelong dream. 225 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,004 That's just being in a relationship. 226 00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,206 But now you turn my best friend against me? 227 00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,241 Marshall made his own choice. Why aren't you mad at him? 228 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,443 Because he's going through a lot right now. 229 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:52,813 He's looking for something to believe in, and you took advantage of that. 230 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,916 You're just like those Internet swindlers who tricked him into paying 300 bucks... 231 00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,684 for a lock of Sasquatch fur. 232 00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:59,987 You cannot compare the Arcadian... 233 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,289 to a Ziploc bag full of Turkish armpit hair. 234 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:05,292 The Arcadian is a beautiful, magnificent hotel. 235 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,061 Okay. You know what? We're settling this once and for all. 236 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,233 Okay. We've cross-referenced every alcohol... 237 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,402 with Marshall and Barney's reaction. 238 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,604 What's the right drink for this situation? 239 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:20,908 Well, they're not talking. They're not even looking at each other. 240 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:25,813 God, it reminds me of those awkward Sunday dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress. 241 00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,248 [ Giggling ] Families, right? 242 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,083 Oh. I-I guess. 243 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,752 That seems like a whole other thing. 244 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,456 We need a drink that will start a fight. 245 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:39,092 [ Ice Cubes Clink In Glass, Liquid Pouring ] 246 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,528 Do you know what I had to do to get you that job? 247 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,097 Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up every day? 248 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,767 What? Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what your hair looked like? 249 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,638 I showed up with wet hair once! Once! 250 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:53,773 [ Barney ] Fine. I'm trying to say-- 251 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,577 [ Object Clatters ] 252 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,579 Well, here we are. 253 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:03,483 I had a reservation at a four-star inn overlooking the ocean, 254 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:06,954 but, uh, how can that compete with such a beautiful, 255 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,522 magnificent hotel? 256 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:18,065 Welcome to the Arcadian. 257 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,967 [ Squeaking, Scampering ] [ Gasps ] 258 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,274 So here's the deal. 259 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:30,878 If you can last until sunrise in your precious Arcadian, 260 00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,712 I'll join your side. 261 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:36,149 You're on. This place is fantastic. 262 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,018 Oh. They even left a chocolate on the pillow. 263 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,053 That's not a chocolate. 264 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,456 How dare you! Why do you keep making up everything about-- 265 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,692 Okay, now we need to get them something that will make them... 266 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,928 emotionally vulnerable and completely, pathetically honest. 267 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:51,398 Yeah, we need a drink that-- that takes subtext and turns it into text. 268 00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:52,499 Yeah. 269 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:55,068 ** [ Fiddle: Jig ] 270 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:58,138 See, ever since the death of my father, 271 00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:00,740 I have been drawn to the idea of preservation. 272 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,575 That's why the Arcadian speaks to me. 273 00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:05,879 Ever since my father walked out on my childhood, 274 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:09,983 I've had serious abandonment issues. You walking out on me like that-- 275 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:14,121 - I didn't even think of that. - It made me wonder what could I have done to make him stay. 276 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,623 You didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't you, Barney. 277 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,459 That's what everyone keeps saying, but people just keep leaving me! 278 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,963 [ Sobbing ] 279 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,132 - Wow, that got real o'clock. - Yeah. 280 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,434 We need to get them up and having fun. 281 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,937 ** [ Cuban Son ] 282 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:36,076 [ Laughing ] Dance, my puppets, dance. 283 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:39,512 [ Lily ] Now do you see why I'm always interfering in other people's lives? 284 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,514 Oh, God. Totally. 285 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,485 No. 286 00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,489 Well, we're here for the night. 287 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:54,894 Might as well have some fun. Care to join me? 288 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:57,630 Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull. 289 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,468 Ooh, something just passed through me. 290 00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,237 Can you get S.T.D.'s from the ghost of a prostitute? 291 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:10,610 [ Woman ] Hey! What are you doing in our bathroom? 292 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,713 [ Woman ] This bathroom for entire floor! 293 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,183 [ Toilet Flushing ] 294 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,319 Okay. Final round. 295 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,689 What simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other? 296 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,424 Sharing a brandy. 297 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:27,294 Which is what I walked into my parents doing once. 298 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,596 Brandy was my father's mistress. 299 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,598 Parents, right? 300 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:34,434 Again, just a whole other thing, sweetie. 301 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,270 Where'd they go? Oh, no. 302 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,639 They did shots. [ Sniffs ] What-- What is it? 303 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:43,610 What's the worst thing they could possibly drink right now? 304 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,712 ** [ Trumpets: Mariachi ] 305 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:53,286 Your place or mi-- [ Hiccups ] 306 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,388 Your place or mi-- [ Hiccups ] 307 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,690 Let's go to your place. [ Grunts ] 308 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:05,398 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, don't drink tequila. 309 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:10,003 These were supposed to be for a romantic dinner on our balcony... 310 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,705 as we were serenaded by the sounds of the ocean. 311 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,242 But I guess we'll have to settle for what sounded like... 312 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,345 two very large men having sex next door... 313 00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:21,514 with a third very small man. 314 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:25,152 I think that small man sounded very moved by the Arcadian's beauty. 315 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,489 Okay. What is it? And don't give me, "It's beautiful." 316 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:32,825 Don't give me, "It's magnificent." 317 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:36,729 What is it about this place that makes you so passionate to save it? 318 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,433 Uh-- [ Sighs ] 319 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,104 Well, 320 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,340 when I was a little girl, 321 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,409 my family used to live here. 322 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,778 Why-Why have you never told me that? 323 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,481 I never tell anyone that. 324 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:57,550 It makes it sound like it would be impossible for me to be objective, 325 00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,187 but-- [ Sighs ] 326 00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:03,556 the truth is, I-- 327 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,492 I loved growing up here. 328 00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:09,629 We had just moved to New York. 329 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,432 We were completely broke. 330 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:16,536 But my mom told my sisters and me that the Arcadian was a castle, 331 00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,572 and we believed her. 332 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:24,144 I know it's not what it used to be, 333 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:30,049 but this building is a part of who I am. 334 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:35,255 That's why I want so badly... 335 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,657 for you to like it too. 336 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:41,261 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, you never forget the first time, or place, 337 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,696 you tell a girl-- 338 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,865 I love you. 339 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,500 I love you too. 340 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,774 [ Toilet Flushing ] 341 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,112 Come on in. You're unbanned. 342 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,914 I gave these guys some drinks, and they calmed down and made up. 343 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:04,083 - Well, what drink finally did the trick? - [ Chuckles ] 344 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,286 ** [ Rock ] 345 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,289 - [ Lily ] A beer. - Of course, beer. 346 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:12,292 I love you. I love you! [ Laughing ] 347 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:16,163 No, no. Not right now. [ Chuckles ] 348 00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,033 You know, I guess this place isn't so bad. 349 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,536 See? With a little renovation, we could restore it to its former-- 350 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,305 [ Squeaks ] [ Gasps ] What was that? 351 00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,840 - What was what? - I think it went under the bed. 352 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,277 - Yeah. I don't see anything. - [ Loud Squeak ] 353 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,845 [ Screams ] Ted! Ted! What is that? 354 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,847 Oh, my God! 355 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:37,550 It's the cock-a-mouse! The what? 356 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,389 Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. 357 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,425 It used to live in our apartment. It must've settled here. 358 00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:48,195 And, oh, look! It had babies. [ Squeaking ] 359 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:51,331 Good for it! Ew. 360 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,366 I give up. You win. Let's go. 361 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,505 Be well, my friends! 362 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,346 Aw, just how we left them. 363 00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,681 [ Door Closes ] Morning. 364 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,783 Who wants breakfast? 365 00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:15,622 You got some coffee so I can throw it in this traitor's face? 366 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,324 Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey! 367 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:20,026 Do you guys have some pancakes, because I-- 368 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,894 would really like some pancakes. 369 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,131 They're fantastic. Let's be honest. I love them. But I hate this guy! 370 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,300 I thought they made up last night. 371 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,636 [ Sighs ] Damn it. I know what happened. 372 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,672 I love you. I love you! [ Laughing ] 373 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:37,444 No, no. Not right now. [ Chuckles ] 374 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,647 Carl, a round of champagne. Ooh! 375 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,949 The champagne! We gave them one drink too many. 376 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,385 They must have blacked out and forgotten the whole thing. 377 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:49,256 What kind of dirtbag doesn't stand by his best friends, 378 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,525 but instead sides with some self-righteous bitch... 379 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,961 with a pointless cause and a megaphone? 380 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,697 Dude, that's my girlfriend. 381 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,699 And you know what? 382 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:04,304 I'm on her side now too. [ Barney ] Whoa. Whoa. 383 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:07,206 You have got to be kidding me! Ted! 384 00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:09,141 Okay, what drink can fix this? 385 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:13,646 Mama's done with this drama. What drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me? 386 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,215 I got it. 387 00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:20,653 Right? 388 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,856 Time is music the planets make. 389 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:27,427 [ Both Giggling ] 390 00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:34,301 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 391 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,576 [ Laughing ] What is that? 392 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:50,917 - [ Gags ] - [ All Groaning ] 393 00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,985 [ Retching ]