1 00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:04,038 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, I bought the house we live in now... 2 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,140 way back before I ever met your mother. 3 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:08,076 It needed a lot of work, but I had a vision for it. 4 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,843 Vintage rolltop desk here. 5 00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:12,713 I haven't decided whether to put the fern on the right or the left side. 6 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:15,416 But, you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it, right? 7 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,751 Left side. Oh, and right outside, 8 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:20,854 I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids. Huh? 9 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:24,858 Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing there. 10 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,727 Vibrating Jell-O pit right there. 11 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,830 Rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here. 12 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,299 Don't ask. You're not ready. 13 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,001 And that basketball hoop? 14 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,470 Outdoor stripper pole. 15 00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,672 We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. 16 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,076 You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad. 17 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,445 Hey. Barney. 18 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,046 Let's go outside for a second. 19 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,349 We have a confession. 20 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,618 This wasn't really about seeing Ted's house. 21 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:54,021 It's an intervention. Oh, thank God. 22 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:58,592 I'll go first. Ted, this house you bought for your hypothetical family is super weird. 23 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,028 We talk about it all the time behind your back. 24 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,831 Yeah, this intervention isn't for me. It's for you. 25 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,066 [ Ted Narrating ] Why did Barney need an intervention? 26 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,801 It all started a few nights earlier. 27 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:11,439 Barney, I can't believe your giant TV is broken. It's March Madness. 28 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,507 Okay, uh, I think I see what the problem is. 29 00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,210 - Barney, can you grab me a screwdriver? - Sure thing. 30 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:20,414 Luis, Barney Stinson, 12H. I got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. Thanks. 31 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,750 You call the super for a screwdriver? 32 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,186 Yeah. Here's the thing about me and tools-- 33 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:28,189 the only one I know how to use is attached to me. 34 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:31,659 And I am not gonna try putting it in the TV... again. 35 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,027 Okay. That's ridiculous. 36 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,663 Everyone should know how to use tools. 37 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,832 [ Knocking ] Well, here's our screwdriver now. 38 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:48,809 Guys, I'm pretty sure that's not Luis, but I can't be certain. 39 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,179 Someone introduce yourself. 40 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,214 Barney, I-- 41 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,417 I got your letter. 42 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:01,755 Dad? 43 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,225 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 44 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,561 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 45 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,535 ** [ Ends ] 46 00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:19,240 I can't believe Barney's talking to his dad right now. 47 00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:22,443 Yeah, what do you say after three decades of not seeing each other? 48 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:26,079 "So, how about those last 30 Super Bowls"? 49 00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:29,383 Okay. Now I feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. 50 00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,652 My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff. 51 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:34,355 Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge, 52 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:36,390 something really obvious you somehow never learned. 53 00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,292 Okay. But a screwdriver? 54 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,261 Come on. I don't have any gaps that fundamental. 55 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:43,297 Really? I seem to recall-- 56 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:47,368 Daniel Burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic... 57 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,703 made him a true architectural "chama-lee-on." 58 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:52,773 And only the most gifted chama-lee-on... 59 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:55,643 could've designed classic beaux-arts masterpieces... 60 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:59,079 right alongside sleek, modern flatirons. 61 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:03,884 His name might as well have been Daniel Chama-lee-on. 62 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:08,789 Um, Professor? Uh, do you mean "chameleon"? 63 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,624 [ Chuckles ] 64 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:15,229 Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chama-lee-on," so-- 65 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,769 Class dismissed. No homework for a while. 66 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,371 [ Laughing ] 67 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:24,672 Okay. I learned that word by reading it. 68 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,374 That's how I've always pronounced it. 69 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:27,575 Ted, that wasn't easy. 70 00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,843 It took a lot of "char-acter" to admit that. 71 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,646 - Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle? - I'll tussle. 72 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,747 - You want to tussle? - Let's tussle. 73 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:36,584 - Marine biologist. - Please, no. 74 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,786 So this really sucks, but I'm gonna be... 75 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,721 in the north pole for the next three months. 76 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:44,458 Seriously? The north pole? Okay, pal. 77 00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:46,760 If you want to break up with me, just tell it to me straight. 78 00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:49,763 Don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. 79 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:52,065 Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-- 80 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,702 Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph? 81 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,937 You know what? I'm going on a trip too, Scott. 82 00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:00,508 It, uh, starts in Narnia. It works its way up to Candy Land. 83 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,276 And then, hey! Congratulate me. 84 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:05,112 Because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! 85 00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,348 Expelliarmus! 86 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:10,117 Robin, the north pole is a real place. 87 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,819 You know that, right? 88 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:16,189 So, you wanna get pizza later or-- 89 00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,191 I think we should break up. 90 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:20,694 I still think about him in the shower. 91 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,096 Hey. Tell us everything. 92 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,799 - How'd it go, buddy? - [ Sighs ] Where do I begin? 93 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,603 So, I'm not sure how to start this. 94 00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:32,039 Yeah. I think I need a drink. 95 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,507 Me too. 96 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,242 [ Together ] Glen McKenna, neat. 97 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,010 Nice order. Up top. 98 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:43,551 Look. It's been 30 years. 99 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:46,587 And now you just show up out of nowhere? 100 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,922 This is-- This is gonna take me a minute. 101 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,824 Yeah. I understand. 102 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,529 By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk? 103 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,731 I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now! 104 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,835 Make a muscle. Hey. 105 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,203 Ah! 106 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,138 Guys, my dad's awesome! 107 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:08,141 He's the mother of all fathers. Check this out. 108 00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:11,244 Back when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. You still do that? 109 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:13,246 [ Sighs ] Not anymore. 110 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,484 Back in '83, I'm luggin' amps for the Stones through West Germany, 111 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:20,988 and their tour manager loses his arms bus-surfing through a tunnel. 112 00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,956 - Gnarly. - [ Chuckling ] 113 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,792 Long story short, 114 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,795 I've been managing tours ever since, and... 115 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:31,031 that dude high-fives people with his face now. 116 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,867 [ Laughing ] You're funny. 117 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:35,603 My dad's funny. 118 00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:39,973 So, all these years, there's this one question I've been dying to ask him. 119 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,209 - "Why did you abandon me?" - "Why'd you wait so long to contact me?" 120 00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,945 "You've hurt me before. Why should I trust you now?" 121 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,848 Do you... 122 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:49,750 get laid a lot? 123 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,984 Big time. 124 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:56,390 Observe. 125 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,870 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 126 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,345 Oh, my God. That took you five seconds. 127 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,180 Oh, was it that long? 128 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,616 Life's too short for chatty chicks. 129 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,119 You're a master. 130 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,789 You are legen-- Wait for it. 131 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,190 ...daddy! 132 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,592 "Legendaddy"! 133 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,360 The man is a god! 134 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,630 And he's still out there livin' the dream. 135 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,532 So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow with Bon Jovi. 136 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:40,468 I'll be on the road the rest of the year. 137 00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,536 Oh, that's cool. 138 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,572 Hey. 139 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,608 You wanna join me for the tour's Asian leg? 140 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:51,144 This is going to be the second most fun I've ever had on an Asian leg! 141 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,113 [ Laughing ] 142 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:57,284 Barney, we-- we know you're psyched, but just be careful. 143 00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:01,088 - What do you mean? - Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. 144 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,090 It sounds like he might just be telling you what you want to hear. 145 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,626 Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt. 146 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,895 First of all, Robin, 147 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,230 my dad could beat up your dad. 148 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,633 Second, you don't have to worry. 149 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:15,268 He's cool. Now, if you'll excuse me, 150 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,838 I have to go renew my passport... 151 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,140 and get a travel-size rotating Vietnamese shame wheel. 152 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,110 Don't ask. You're not ready. 153 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:28,582 I hope Barney's dad isn't just pretending to be something he's not. 154 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:32,620 Yeah. That would make Jerry a real chama-lee-on. 155 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:37,491 - You have gaps too, Lily! - You got nothin' on me. 156 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,595 - Lily, can you toss me a beer? - Sure, honey. 157 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:46,500 You have terrible aim. 158 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,235 That's not true. 159 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,538 Lily, at our apartment, 160 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:53,073 you're the one who pees on the floor. 161 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,643 Oh, my God. Barney's dad. 162 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,411 Hey, uh, you're Barney's friends, right? 163 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:02,850 Yeah. But aren't you supposed to be off managing some tour in Australia? 164 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,184 What? 165 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:07,821 No, I-I'm a driving instructor up in White Plains. 166 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,524 A-And I need your help. Barney won't return my calls. 167 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,998 What do you mean Barney won't return your calls? 168 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,400 He said you two had an amazing night together. 169 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,469 Uh, that's not what happened. 170 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,238 I'm not sure how to start this. Yeah. 171 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,441 - I think I need a drink. - Me too. 172 00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:31,144 - Glen McKenna, neat. - Milk, skim. 173 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,046 Milk? 174 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,949 Oh, you're takin' it easy. Crazy night? 175 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,284 I'll say. 176 00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:40,087 Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night. 177 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,090 - Wow. - I think it was the chili dog. 178 00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:46,193 I had to take four Tums. 179 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,829 I was up till, like, 9:30. 180 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,934 Hey, um, when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. 181 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,903 - You still do that? - No. 182 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:58,706 I switched lanes years ago. [ Chuckles ] 183 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,177 I should explain. I'm a driving instructor. 184 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,614 Now you get it, right? [ Mouthing Words ] 185 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,181 Yeah. No, I get it. 186 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:12,519 Um, but when I was a kid, you-- you were this total badass. 187 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:16,023 Oh, I know. I was a real hard partyer. 188 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,025 Yeah, okay. Now we're getting to the good stuff. 189 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,560 The drugs, the alcohol, the women. 190 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,295 Yes. Yes. Yes. 191 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,898 - I was outta control. - [ Falsetto ] Outta control! 192 00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:29,870 So when your mom said I couldn't see you anymore, it was rock bottom for me. 193 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,841 I'm so sorry. 194 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,311 You ever bang Stevie Nicks? 195 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:41,982 Barney wasn't interested in my apology. He just wanted me to be cool. 196 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,786 And I was so desperate to connect with him. 197 00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,888 I did something I'm not proud of. 198 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,023 I started bragging. 199 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,459 I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney, but... 200 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:55,696 I've published two nonfiction books about asparagus. 201 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:59,099 And one fiction. 202 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:04,304 I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling." 203 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,373 It means fumbling for keys. 204 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,577 Then all the county fair judges started chanting, 205 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,947 "More quiche! More quiche!" 206 00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:19,687 I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes. 207 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:25,392 I could tell he just wanted me to be this big ladies' man. 208 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,359 So-- 209 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,397 Oh, what a hottie, huh? 210 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:34,034 - I'm sure you're a real player. - Oh, big time. 211 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,336 Yeah. Observe. 212 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,717 Excuse me. That's my son over there. 213 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,853 I'm trying to reconnect with him after 30 years. 214 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:57,490 Uh, would you just write down any seven numbers here so that I can impress him. 215 00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,192 Please. I'm desperate. 216 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,265 Oh, my God. You're a natural. 217 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:08,769 Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. 218 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,370 There's the "Father Knows Breast." 219 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,840 There's the "Bush Dynasty." 220 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,641 The "Lick Father, Lick Son." 221 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,977 Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't do that. 222 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,046 - Why? - I have a family now. 223 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,882 That's my wife, Cheryl. 224 00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,917 My daughter, Carly. She's in college. 225 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,685 This is my son, J.J. 226 00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:28,388 I was hoping you could come over to dinner sometime and meet them. 227 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:31,191 You're all wearing matching sweaters. That's cute. 228 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,694 Look, I gotta get goin', Jerry. 229 00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:38,065 But, uh, this was great. Glad we did this. 230 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:45,238 I made him wait all these years for me, and-- 231 00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:48,742 I'm just not the guy he wanted me to be. 232 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:53,280 I know I don't deserve it, but I need another chance to connect with my son. 233 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,051 We think you should give him another chance. 234 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,620 That's the real reason we're out here. 235 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:03,123 He lives 10 minutes away. 236 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,492 - What? - You're havin' dinner with him tonight. 237 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,561 No, I most certainly am not. 238 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:11,298 Look, I met him. He's not my kind of bro, and that's that. 239 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:12,933 Are you sure it's not more than that? 240 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:16,837 Guys, get it through your heads. I am never gonna talk to my dad again. 241 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,775 No, Barney. I'm never gonna talk to my dad again. 242 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,711 But your dad is alive, 243 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,147 and he lives just down the road. 244 00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:32,920 - Fine, I'll go. - Awesome. 245 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,288 Um, Lily, keys. 246 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,962 I'm literally 11 inches from you. 247 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,336 [ Ted Narrating ] And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance. 248 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:52,072 Hello. You must be Barney. [ Chuckling ] 249 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:55,242 I'm Cheryl. It's just so, so nice to finally meet you. 250 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,110 I love that suit. 251 00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,711 Oh, thank you very much. 252 00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:00,747 And I love your... 253 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:04,952 coat. 254 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,120 I love your coat. 255 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:10,390 Oh, that's your coat, Barney. I just took it from you. 256 00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:12,325 Well, I do love it. 257 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,962 It's doing a nice job covering up that chair. 258 00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,199 Guess now we wait. 259 00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:21,201 Hey, I-I got an idea how to pass the time. 260 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,903 Little trivia game. Hmm. 261 00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:26,073 Robin. Reindeer-- real or fake? 262 00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,607 [ Chuckling ] Okay, I'm not an idiot. 263 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,845 Reindeer are obviously f-f-freal. 264 00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:34,514 Yikes! I'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums. 265 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,152 Good thing I don't have any gaps in my knowledge. 266 00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,257 I am perfect. 267 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,793 Oh, for the love of God, guys. Enough already. 268 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,195 What, baby? 269 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:51,198 You've been treating me with kid gloves since my dad died. 270 00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,833 - That's not true. - Robin, don't disagree with Marshall. 271 00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:56,970 - I'm sorry. - I first noticed it at the bar. 272 00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,506 Hey, Lily, can you grab me a-- [ High-pitched ] Mojito? 273 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,042 [ Marshall ] Normally, you would've given me crap for an hour... 274 00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,277 about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like. 275 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:07,881 But nothing. So then I started to test you guys. 276 00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,583 The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie. 277 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,119 [ Chokes ] 278 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:16,289 It ages well. That's the thing. Mm-hmm. 279 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,259 You guys like my new soul patch? 280 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,229 Righteous hair tab, brother! 281 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,432 [ Marshall ] And once I figured it out, 282 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:27,434 I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go. 283 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,570 Hey, guys. 284 00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,439 This is Rex. 285 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,141 He's a possum. 286 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,976 I found him in the trash. 287 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,179 He lives with us now. 288 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,081 I love him. [ Hisses ] 289 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:44,985 Lily, we are living with a possum. 290 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,720 Rex is violent. And he hates us. 291 00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:51,758 Baby, you just lost your dad. None of us wants to upset you. 292 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:55,095 Please, if you guys really want me to get over the worst tragedy in my life, 293 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,430 I'm begging you, tear me a new one. 294 00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,300 But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night. 295 00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,303 J.J., dinner! 296 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:06,139 Uh, when I got your letter, I dug this up. 297 00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:07,941 You were probably too young to remember. 298 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:10,043 But this is you. This is me. 299 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,145 And of course ZZ Top. 300 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,414 I do remember that. 301 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,083 I climbed up on that dude's lap... 302 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,850 and told him what I wanted for Christmas. 303 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:20,053 [ Chuckling ] Yeah. 304 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:22,122 Well, I used to love taking you backstage. 305 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,491 You were the coolest little kid. 306 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:29,062 Hi, Barney. It's great to finally meet you. 307 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,631 J.J., I'm talkin' to Dad right now. God! 308 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,468 Seriously, it's time. 309 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,337 What are my gaps? 310 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,108 Well, I guess maybe one gap you have is... 311 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,575 you can't wink. 312 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:46,213 Don't you think that maybe we should go home... 313 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,049 and, uh, "do the laundry"? 314 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,954 [ Lily ] You can't swallow pills. 315 00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,789 [ Gulping ] 316 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:57,457 [ Spits ] 317 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,393 [ Robin ] Ooh! Ooh! I got one! 318 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:04,131 You-You think John Kennedy and Jack Kennedy are the same person. 319 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,133 Right? It's-- 320 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,768 What? 321 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:12,239 So, Barney, I understand you have a pretty big job with a bank. 322 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:15,175 Yeah, I do. I make a ton of money. 323 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,709 How much do you make, J.J.? 324 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,279 I'm 11. 325 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,849 Oh, well. Now we all know you make excuses. 326 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,817 I was talkin' about money. 327 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:28,788 Actually J.J. has a job. Tell him, J.J. I got a paper route. 328 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,025 [ Scoffs ] Good time to get into print media. 329 00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:34,294 - Am I right, Dad? - Good slam, Barney. 330 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,228 Jerry. 331 00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:36,929 No, it-it's all good fun. 332 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:39,499 Just ribbing among long-lost brothers. 333 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,834 J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player. 334 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:45,472 Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, "Jayj." 335 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,174 Dad, check it. 336 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,049 Triceps. 337 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,818 What gym do you go to? 338 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,487 Fourth period. 339 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,555 Sounds like you're having your fourth period. 340 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,757 - Am I right, Dad? - Got him again. 341 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,226 [ Cheryl ] Jerry! Uh, okay. 342 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,328 Barney, uh, maybe that's enough. 343 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,098 What? J.J. started it. What does J.J. even stand for anyway? 344 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:14,467 J-J-Jerky... Jerkface? 345 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,404 J.J. stands for Jerome Jr. 346 00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,506 Jerome Jr.? 347 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,877 Oh. 348 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,479 He-He's named after you. 349 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,318 Excuse me. 350 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,389 I like having a brother. 351 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,126 You always add too much water to oatmeal. 352 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:41,228 Yes, I drown the son of a bitch! 353 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,563 You consistently miss at least one belt loop. 354 00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:46,933 - It's like I'm blind. - Uh, you're too old to ask to see the cockpit. 355 00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,435 Whoa. 356 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:51,404 Whoa, guys. My dad just died. 357 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,072 Oh, honey. 358 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,242 No, I'm just kidding. This is great. 359 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,843 I really-- I really miss this. 360 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,315 [ Grunts ] Barney, what is going on? 361 00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,484 - This is mine. - I don't understand. 362 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:09,322 J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? 363 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,891 No. No. I at least get the hoop. I'm taking it with me. 364 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,594 - Please, please. Just come down and talk to me. - Why? Why should I? 365 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:18,631 You're lame, okay? You're just some lame suburban dad. 366 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:22,335 - Why does that make you so mad? - Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, 367 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,537 why couldn't you have been that for me? 368 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,709 Look. Barney, I know I screwed up. 369 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:32,412 Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe... 370 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,282 - what I've been through. - I know! I know! I know! 371 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,217 I wanna fix this, and I don't know how! 372 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,519 Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! 373 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:42,722 [ Scoffs ] 374 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,904 You're never gonna get it down like that. 375 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,816 Barney. Barney! 376 00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:13,820 Just put the pointy end into the grooves. 377 00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,525 That's it. Now turn it. 378 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,328 Righty tighty, lefty loosey. 379 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,436 I have no good excuse, Barney. 380 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,505 It took me years before I was even able... 381 00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:35,275 to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. 382 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,878 It took courage to send me that letter. 383 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,849 More courage than I've ever had. 384 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:45,918 I owe you a lifetime of apologies. 385 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:50,890 And I-- I just-- [ Sighs ] have no idea where to begin. 386 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,665 Can you help me with this? 387 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,303 [ Groans ] 388 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:04,871 Oh, got it. 389 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:12,579 Look. If you... 390 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:15,982 ever feel like you're ready, 391 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,885 I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. 392 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,125 Bye. 393 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:29,362 [ Man ] * If it's not too early 394 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,899 * I will come for you 395 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:38,204 * If it's not too early Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? 396 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,472 I'm fine. 397 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:41,508 * I will come for you 398 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,843 - Hey, Ted. - Yeah, buddy? 399 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,746 You, uh, still want a basketball hoop out there? 400 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:50,550 Oh. Well, uh, I also really liked your outdoor stripper pole idea. 401 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,784 Yeah, sure. Yeah, it's fine. 402 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,920 No. You were right. 403 00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,722 * I will come for you 404 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,527 A kid needs a hoop. 405 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:07,834 ** [ Vocalizing ]