1 00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:04,572 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, sometimes... 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,840 wonderful things come out of horrible situations. 3 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:10,178 Like, remember that trip I took to Hong Kong where I got stuck in the airport? 4 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,146 Well, a funny thing happened that day. 5 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,782 Yes, I realize it's raining, but come on! 6 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,685 It's 2021. We can make cell phones that project holograms, 7 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:20,088 but a light drizzle shuts down a whole airport? 8 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,589 Hey, Ted. 9 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,658 Hey! 10 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:28,162 There she is. Wow! 11 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,264 Wendy the waitress. Wendy the waitress! 12 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,700 I was just saying. What-- What are you doing here? 13 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:34,735 [ Ted Narrating ] What was she doing there? 14 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,305 For that, we have to back up about 10 years. 15 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,608 So, Barney, I hear you and Nora had a fun time at laser tag. 16 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,177 I don't know where you heard that. It was a disaster. 17 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,079 Not according to her. 18 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:47,381 Oh, my God. This was so much fun. 19 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:50,651 We have to do this again. We do. We have to. You wanna grab a drink right now? 20 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:55,523 No. I'm kind of tired. But this is my number. Give me a call. 21 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,057 Absolutely. 22 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,427 How is that a disaster? 23 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,095 She didn't want to get drinks. 24 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:04,232 And as soon as a girl says she doesn't want to get drinks, well-- 25 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,866 You wanna grab a drink right now? 26 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,368 No. I'm kind of tired. 27 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:10,404 [ Trombone Squawking ] 28 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:14,475 [ Squawking Continues ] Absolutely. 29 00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:18,179 That's a shame too. She was a really great laser tag partner. 30 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,414 She's tiny, so she's allowed to push kids. 31 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,285 Please, cheese. You like this girl. 32 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,687 What? Nora? No, I don't. 33 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,557 Barney, you can't say her name without smiling. 34 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,791 That's-- 35 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,594 Nora. 36 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:34,728 Sorry. Sorry. 37 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,565 I was thinking of a funny thing that Nora said. 38 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,666 Mmm. Stop it. 39 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,135 No... ra. Nah! 40 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,936 Damn it! What is the matter with me? 41 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,872 You like her. You should call her. 42 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,175 Call her? Robin, three things: 43 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,610 She had a nice face, her booty was in place, 44 00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,845 but Barney don't chase. [ Lily Scoffs ] 45 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,347 That is ridiculous. 46 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,649 Barney, you know what? Here's some advice. 47 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,652 [ Trombone Squawking ] 48 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,722 [ Squawking Continues ] 49 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,257 Totally. 50 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,793 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 51 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:09,330 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 52 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,304 ** [ Ends ] 53 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,808 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, I had just started dating Zoey. 54 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:24,178 And when you first start dating someone, everyone wants to know the same thing-- 55 00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,247 - How did we meet? - Oh, Ted, she doesn't-- 56 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,749 No, no, no, no. It's a cute story. 57 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,318 Once upon a time, 58 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,453 Zoey was married to this super-rich, 59 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,022 super-creepy guy called the Captain. 60 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,592 So when Zoey and I became friends, I was careful not to cross any lines. 61 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,629 Oh, man. This movie is scary. 62 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,964 I know, right? 63 00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:47,134 But then one day Zoey and the Captain had a huge fight. 64 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,870 [ No Audible Dialogue ] He flipped out and demanded a divorce. 65 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,506 And she was heartbroken. 66 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,375 But after a little soul-searching, 67 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,043 she ended up back in my life. 68 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,246 And the rest, as they say, 69 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,581 is history. 70 00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:02,983 Actually, I said, "How's your meat?" 71 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,852 Oh. 72 00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,354 A little cold. 73 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,322 Gee, I wonder why. 74 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,192 Oh, Ted, did you have a chance to pick up that box... 75 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,595 I left at my old apartment? 76 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,264 Oh. Yeah. 77 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:18,299 I don't want to see the Captain. 78 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,401 I mean this in a super-manly way. 79 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,403 That guy scares the panties off me. 80 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,204 Well, you don't have to see him. 81 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,773 He left the box with the doorman. 82 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,442 If it's really important to you, I will pick it up tomorrow. 83 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,844 All right, guys. I have to go. 84 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,880 I have a big, meaningless stack of paperwork... 85 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,748 that I have to get off my desk to make room... 86 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,817 for tomorrow's big, meaningless stack of paperwork. 87 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,354 But it's all worth it, you know, 'cause... 88 00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,122 at least I know I'm making the world a... 89 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,657 place. 90 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,726 All right. See you guys later. 91 00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:49,597 I'm worried about Marshall. He doesn't seem like himself lately. 92 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,832 Yeah, he's been really quiet. 93 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,234 Well, that's just what Minnesota guys are like-- 94 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,036 strong, silent, you know, man's man. 95 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,538 Like Prince. 96 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,307 No, it's more than that. 97 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,674 It's, like, all the stuff... 98 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,742 he used to love, 99 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:05,212 he suddenly has no interest in anymore. 100 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,114 Oh! 101 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,749 Ha-wink. 102 00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,050 Excuse me? 103 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,486 Lily, in my travels, 104 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:14,455 I've developed a finely calibrated sense... 105 00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,557 of how long it's been since-- 106 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,359 how do I not put this delicately?-- 107 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,894 a girl's been porked. 108 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,830 And, boo, you've been pork-free so long... 109 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,432 you're practically kosher. 110 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,467 It's been a while. 111 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,236 Five weeks, three days, by my estimation. 112 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,539 You should work at a carnival. 113 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,342 I tried. They're pretty strict with backgrounds. 114 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:35,943 Anyway, we should get going. 115 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:38,178 Yeah, I'll walk out with you guys. Good night. 116 00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:39,747 Good night, guys. 117 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,290 Eighteen weeks? [ Groans ] 118 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,460 Damn it! Okay, yes. 119 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,728 I am in a bit of a dry spell. Hmm. 120 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,831 But I just started a new job, and dating's been on the back burner-- 121 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:01,535 Shh. Child, listen. 122 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,637 If you're really hurtin' for it, 123 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,106 I'd be more than happy to throw you one. 124 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,442 Throw me one? Yeah. 125 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:11,345 We're exes. We're probably due for a backslide. 126 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,114 Or we could just do it the normal way. 127 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,884 Oh, I see what's going on. Yeah? 128 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,387 This is about Nora. 129 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,655 You met a girl. You liked her. 130 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:26,394 But then you missed your shot, and now you're trying to hook up with your ex-girlfriend... 131 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,729 to prove to yourself that you don't care. 132 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,564 Robin, you could not be more-- 133 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,332 What do you mean I missed my shot? 134 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,768 Nora met a guy. What? [ Clears Throat ] 135 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,770 What? Yeah. 136 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,173 Off the market. He's taking her to Café L'Amour this Friday night. 137 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,175 But "L'Amour" means love. They're going to the Café of Love! 138 00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,512 I'm fine. It's fine. 139 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:48,281 The point is, Robin, I don't even like Nora. 140 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,983 Damn it! 141 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,621 [ Man On TV: Indistinct ] Oh, baby. 142 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,723 Why aren't you in bed? 143 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,324 I can't sleep. 144 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,259 Mmm. 145 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:02,062 Anything I can do to help you with that? 146 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,799 Maybe after this documentary on garbage. 147 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,070 Man, I am losin' my touch. 148 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,506 [ Man Narrating, Elmer Fudd Accent ] Nearly twice the size of Texas, 149 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:15,275 the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, or Garbage Island, 150 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:18,045 is an environmental catastrophe. 151 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:19,713 Lost in a sea of rubbish, 152 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,082 this young bird struggles not to drown, 153 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,085 strangling in the plastic rings of a six-pack. 154 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:28,321 Marshall Eriksen, I think you know what you have to do. 155 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,057 I have to save the planet! 156 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,959 Is it over? I call on top. 157 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,727 [ Screams ] 158 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,963 [ Ted Narrating ] A few days later, I headed over to the Captain's building... 159 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,431 to get Zoey's box. 160 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:38,966 I'm here to-- [ Captain ] Ted! 161 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,134 What a surprise. 162 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,208 Ted. 163 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,610 Captain, I-- 164 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:50,911 You've come to rescue me... 165 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:53,914 from the capsized wreckage of my marriage. 166 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,083 - [ Murmurs ] - I hesitated calling you... 167 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,318 because I know you and Zoey were friendly. 168 00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,887 [ Scoffs ] Nah. 169 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:02,623 But my wife has left me. All my friends have abandoned me. 170 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:06,026 Please tell me you're on my side. 171 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:08,128 [ Nervous Chuckle ] 172 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,163 [ Mouthing Words ] 173 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,000 Let's adjourn to the study. 174 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,471 Garbage Island. 175 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,741 You haven't heard of Garbage Island? 176 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,110 It's an island... 177 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,112 made of garbage! 178 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:28,682 It's in the Pacific Ocean. It's twice the size of Texas. 179 00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:32,486 In other words, one-eighth the size of Canada, so-- 180 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:36,123 Guys, I'm going environmental. 181 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,158 Okay? Phase one-- the bar. 182 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:41,128 I've already convinced MacLaren's to implement a new green initiative. 183 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,763 That's 'cause of you? 184 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:46,834 I gotta carry an 80-pound bag of bottles to the recycling center every night. 185 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,302 I threw my back out! 186 00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:52,072 You're welcome, Earth. 187 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,942 Phase two-- GNB. 188 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:57,210 Tomorrow I'm gonna make a presentation in front of the board... 189 00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:02,382 about how we can cut our carbon footprint by half for only 12 million dollars. 190 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:05,586 Dude, don't do that. All they're gonna hear is "12 million dollars," 191 00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:10,057 and all you're gonna hear is the sound of the door smackin' your fired ass. 192 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,726 And some muffled laughter, which I apologize for in advance. 193 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,262 Guys, I got a problem. 194 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,765 I ran into the Captain. 195 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,600 Ted, 196 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:23,370 beneath this lustrous mane, 197 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,072 I wear the horns of a cuckold. 198 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,508 Zoey left me for another man. 199 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:33,413 Wow. Do you have any idea who it could be? 200 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,415 [ Ted Narrating ] The Captain then told a story much different... 201 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:38,919 than the one I'd been telling, but one maybe just as true. 202 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:42,155 Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy. 203 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,958 Blissful as arcadian shepherds. [ No Audible Dialogue ] 204 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,961 I was Poseidon, and she my Amphitrite. 205 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:51,865 I daresay Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. 206 00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:55,202 We had great big boners for each other. 207 00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,272 But then-- enter the scoundrel. 208 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,542 Oh, man. This movie's scary. 209 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:05,679 I know. Right? 210 00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:08,716 [ Captain ] I don't know what he looks like, but I picture him with a mustache. 211 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:11,985 Yes. Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart. 212 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,522 Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. 213 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,425 She told me she was in love with someone else. [ No Audible Dialogue ] 214 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,527 Obviously, it made me angry. 215 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,830 And that's the last time you saw her. 216 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,932 But I gathered my composure... 217 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,934 and told her I'd do anything to keep her. 218 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,337 I begged her not to leave. We made love that night. 219 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,905 [ Sputters ] 220 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,474 It's, uh-- It's damn good brandy. 221 00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:38,278 But morning came, and she was gone. 222 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,716 Captain, don't blame yourself. 223 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,485 I don't blame myself. Hmm? 224 00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:49,289 There's only one man I blame for this. 225 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,892 Me. I'm the bad guy. 226 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,327 Well, maybe to him you are, 227 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:59,332 but in the story of picking up the box for Zoey, you're the hero. 228 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:00,968 Damn it! The box! 229 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,811 Baby-- Baby, I really got to work on this presentation. 230 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,948 Oh, that's too bad, because I was gonna make a little presentation of my own. 231 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,617 Okay, um-- 232 00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,352 How about this? 233 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:23,323 From now until tomorrow afternoon, I do this. 234 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,192 And then tomorrow night, 235 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,626 I do that. 236 00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:27,761 Deal. 237 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:33,100 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on! 238 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,367 Lily! 239 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,307 You lying little minx! 240 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,310 I happened to be at Café L'Amour tonight... 241 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,278 from 5:00 p.m. until closing, 242 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,514 reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it, 243 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:51,051 and I never saw Nora or this Italian race car driver she's dating. 244 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,953 Sorry. Who said anything about an Ital-- 245 00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,022 Come on. You just know he's an Italian race car driver. 246 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:57,257 No, he's not. He doesn't exist. 247 00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,860 I made the whole thing up to see if you like her, and you do. 248 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,429 So you should just call her. 249 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,998 [ Scoffs ] Here is her number. 250 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,834 Wh-- 251 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,706 And I also programmed it into your phone while you were in the bathroom. 252 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,847 Wow. That was a joke. You just got here, remember? 253 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,183 You really are smitten. 254 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,819 No, I'm not. I'm Barney Stinson. 255 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,455 I don't get smitten. I smite. 256 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:32,125 You are totally smitten, but you're scared of being in a relationship. 257 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:36,163 No, I'm not. I can't be anyone's boyfriend, Robin. 258 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,066 If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa... 259 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,302 focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. 260 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,906 With great penis comes great responsibility. 261 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,209 Okay, Mother Teresa, 262 00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:50,677 throw me one. 263 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,112 Sorry? 264 00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,014 I would like it if you threw me one. 265 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,916 Fastball right down the middle. 266 00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:59,352 Actually, if I recall correctly, a slight curve. 267 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,654 Careful, Robin. I'll do it. 268 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,390 Oh, I don't think you will. Hmm. 269 00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,859 Because you don't want to screw things up with Nora. 270 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,628 Prove me wrong. Tomorrow night, my place. 271 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:13,200 Don't poke the dragon, Robin, 'cause the dragon will poke you back. 272 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,907 Oh-- Sex now. We'll do the foreplay after. 273 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,308 No, no-- Baby, come on. 274 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,977 Today didn't go so well. 275 00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:27,380 The green initiative, for only 12 million dollars, 276 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,016 - will change the way-- - Okay. I've heard enough. 277 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,518 Don't we already have a green initiative? 278 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:35,088 I mean, didn't we do a whole thing-- hang a banner, make a video? 279 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,157 Sting was there. I thought I met Sting. 280 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,226 You did meet Sting. Yeah. I met Sting. 281 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,595 So why on earth would we spend another 12 million dollars? 282 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,297 Well, because we can always do more. 283 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,199 Yeah, but I met Sting. 284 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,136 Well, meeting Sting isn't gonna fix anything, Arthur. 285 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:52,472 [ Sighs ] Who here supports Eriksen's proposal? 286 00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,910 Well, he has some good points. 287 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:59,612 Meeker, you're fired. And as for you, Eriksen-- 288 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,015 His father just died. [ Sighs ] 289 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,818 Nice presentation. We'll keep it under advisement. 290 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,289 Meeker got fired because of me. I'm the bad guy. 291 00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:14,227 No, sweetie. Just-Just put all of that out of your mind and relax. 292 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:18,031 Look. I got you a six-pack of tall boys from the deli. 293 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,233 Hmm. Mmm. 294 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,434 Hmm. 295 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:25,873 [ Moaning ] 296 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,008 Hey, baby? 297 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,609 Yeah? [ Clears Throat ] 298 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,645 What happened to the plastic rings that held the six-pack together? 299 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:35,015 Oh, I-I don't know. I threw them down the garbage chute. 300 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,917 Let's just use the handcuffs instead. 301 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:39,719 Baby, birds can get caught in those. 302 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:42,455 And then they "dwown" in a sea of "wubbish." Weren't you listening? 303 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,557 Don't you care about Garbage Island? [ Groans ] 304 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:47,294 Marshall, right now I don't give a "wat's ass" about Garbage Island. 305 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,363 Well, I do. I gotta find those rings. 306 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,102 [ Door Closes ] "Cwap." 307 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:58,205 [ Elevator Bell Dings ] Hi. I'm here to pick up a-- 308 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,539 Hello, Ted. 309 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:01,608 To the study? To the study. 310 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,609 Mmm. 311 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,678 Ted-- 312 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,114 [ Sighs ] 313 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,816 I know. 314 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,618 Know what? 315 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,353 I know who stole my Zoey. 316 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,923 No man likes to be betrayed, 317 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,425 especially by a friend. 318 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,460 You can imagine then how painful it was... 319 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,530 when I learned that the name of my betrayer is-- 320 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,833 Ted, 321 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,002 when I tell you who it is, you're gonna-- 322 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,271 [ Imitates Explosion ] 323 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:33,873 It's my doorman. 324 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,444 That son of a bitch! 325 00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:45,052 You think Zoey is sleeping with the doorman? 326 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:48,555 He always winks and tips his hat when he sees her. 327 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,323 I know how these things work. 328 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,160 He holds her package, and pretty soon she's holding his. 329 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,229 And then there's his glorious mustache. 330 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,665 I will have him fired for this! No, no, no, no. 331 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,467 You can't fire him. 332 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,035 You're right. 333 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,573 Maritime protocol demands physical retribution! 334 00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:09,609 Oh, my God! No, no, no! Physical retribution? No, stop! 335 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:13,780 Who is this flower child, and what has he done with my lion-hearted friend Ted Mosby? 336 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,548 No, no, no-- Look, look-- Yes, yes! 337 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:19,052 The doorman is a scoundrel. The mustache alone gives that away. 338 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,055 He's a rake, a rogue, a rapscallion. 339 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,657 Oh, rapscallion may be going a bit far, Ted. 340 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,226 But it's not his fault. 341 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,495 Okay? It's nobody's fault. 342 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,530 You and Zoey have nothing in common. 343 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,300 For God's sake, Captain, she hates boats! 344 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,302 You're just not right for each other. 345 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:38,005 Look, I know it's tough to face, but I'm sure... 346 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,373 a small part of you has always known that. 347 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,444 [ Sighs ] 348 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,380 Why couldn't she just like boats? 349 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,350 Just to have one thing in common. 350 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,719 Other girls like boats, don't they? 351 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,188 Of course they do. 352 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,357 And you'll find one. 353 00:15:57,424 --> 00:16:00,760 And you'll be much happier with her than you ever were with Zoey. 354 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,829 [ Weapons Clattering ] 355 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:06,899 You put it that way, I should almost thank the doorman. 356 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,102 Yeah! Yeah! 357 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,705 And, you know, since-- 358 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,642 since it doesn't really matter who Zoey's dating now-- 359 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,245 It doesn't. It really doesn't. It doesn't. 360 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,448 It's me. You're welcome. 361 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,016 [ Door Closes ] 362 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,159 Okay, baby, what gives? 363 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,194 I'm sorry, but neither of us are getting any action... 364 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,763 until I find those rings. 365 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,265 [ Garbage Rustling ] 366 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,567 I hope this doesn't make me look desperate. 367 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:47,040 All right, Robin. Give it to me. 368 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,909 [ Sighs ] Damn it, Barney. You failed my test. 369 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:52,912 You know, I-I try to root for you. Even as your ex-girlfriend. 370 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:56,283 When you meet someone, I'm, like, "Yeah, Barney. Go get her." 371 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,651 But you know what? Just forget it. 372 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,054 You're never gonna change. I'm done trying to help you. 373 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,556 [ Sighs ] The number. 374 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,758 Give me the number. 375 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:08,061 'Cause I really can't tell-- 376 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,998 Is that a seven or a nine? 377 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,733 It's a five, idiot. 378 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,703 A f-- In what moon man language is that a five? 379 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,705 "Moon man language"? What does that even mean? Looks nothing like a five. 380 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,040 How am I supposed to see that that's a five? Look how you taped this up. 381 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,609 You can hardly even see-- Fine. Fine. Fine. 382 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,378 I have a phone call to make. 383 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,981 Barney. 384 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,217 Go get her. 385 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,519 [ Door Closes ] 386 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:34,954 Listen, Zoey, 387 00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,556 I need to ask you something. 388 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,159 Did I steal you? 389 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,495 Well, yeah. [ Chuckles ] 390 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:46,699 You did, by being the kind of sweet, thoughtful guy... 391 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:49,569 who'd never even think of stealing someone. 392 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:50,637 You stole me. 393 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:54,907 So I'm the bad guy. Great. 394 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,244 Well, the story isn't over, Ted. 395 00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:00,713 It'll be years before we know who's the good guy and who's the bad guy. 396 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,950 I mean, yes, divorce sucks. 397 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,819 But sometimes... 398 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:10,390 things need to fall apart to make way for better things. 399 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,426 Well, if you say so. 400 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:16,496 I'm just saying, the eggs are already broken. 401 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:19,098 Let's make sure we get a pretty good omelet out of it. 402 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,202 Okay, Marshall, 403 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,837 seriously, what's going on? 404 00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,009 He'll never get to see how I turn out. 405 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,678 What do you mean? 406 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,148 My dad. You know, I used to, um-- 407 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,117 I used to always tell him that I was gonna be an environmental lawyer, 408 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,420 and he was always so proud of me for that. 409 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:45,825 But he never got to see the version of me that was anything but a corporate stooge. 410 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,161 And now it's too late. 411 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:51,130 And we're starting a family. You know-- 412 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,600 Are you avoiding sleeping with me... 413 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,602 'cause you don't want to start a family? 414 00:18:57,370 --> 00:19:00,139 Lily, if we have a baby right now, 415 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,775 that is just it for me. 416 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,144 The cement will dry, 417 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:08,581 and I will be stuck at GNB... forever. 418 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:12,018 Marshall, if you want to quit your job... 419 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,421 and go work for the N.R.D.C. right now, 420 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,856 then you need to do that right now. 421 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,393 And then once you've cleaned up all the oceans... 422 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,295 and saved the planet-- 423 00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,764 you know, like a year from now-- 424 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,733 then we'll start a family. 425 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,202 I don't know. 426 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,771 So far, in the name of saving the planet, 427 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,540 I've ruined your night, 428 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,943 I practically broke Wendy's back, and I got Meeker fired. 429 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,378 The guy must hate me. 430 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:40,347 Meeker doesn't hate you. 431 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,749 [ Ted Narrating ] Oh, Meeker hated him, all right. 432 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:45,285 After all, Marshall was the one who got him fired. 433 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:47,420 Now, Meeker knew we all hung out at MacLaren's, 434 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,522 so that night he went there to confront Marshall. 435 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,324 But, as luck would have it-- 436 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,260 Are you guys-- Closed, sorry. 437 00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:56,463 [ Exhales ] 438 00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,198 Thanks. 439 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,000 Rough night? 440 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,102 - Yeah. - I'm sorry. 441 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,804 It's not your fault. 442 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:07,974 It's no one's fault... except for Marshall Eriksen. 443 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,642 What did you just say? 444 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:13,145 Uh, I said it's Marshall Eriksen's fault. 445 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,547 Why? Do you know him? 446 00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:17,216 Know him? I hate that guy. 447 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,018 Me too. 448 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,288 No way. [ Laughs ] 449 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:24,657 And the rest, as they say-- 450 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,158 ...is history. 451 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,694 And three kids later, 452 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,962 we decided to come here on our second honeymoon. 453 00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,864 Wow. 454 00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:33,733 That's a pretty good omelet. 455 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,703 Oh, and, hey, what about you? You still with Zoey? 456 00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,371 N-- No. 457 00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,273 No. Wow, that did not end well. 458 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,242 But it's all for the best, 'cause now I'm married to an amazing girl. 459 00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:44,777 We have two kids. 460 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,314 It's actually a funny story of how we met. 461 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,682 I was the best man at this wedding, and-- 462 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,251 Listen, Ted, it's great seeing you, but we gotta run. 463 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:53,986 Okay. Well, uh, have a safe trip. 464 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,888 It was great seeing you. 465 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,894 [ Energy Field Crackles ] 466 00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:03,330 Hello? Marshall. 467 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:05,231 Hey, Ted. Hey. 468 00:21:05,298 --> 00:21:07,834 You will not believe who I just ran into.