1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:02,936 [ Ted Narrating ] My first kiss with Zoey... 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,673 was amazing... and complicated. 3 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,410 Look. I know you're going through a lot right now. 4 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:12,180 Getting divorced, being single, 5 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,182 figuring out who you are on your own. 6 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,217 Someone knows how to set a mood. 7 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:21,089 I just mean... I'm okay taking this slow. 8 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,957 I wanna do this right. 9 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,360 [ Ted Narrating ] My friends, as usual, were completely supportive. 10 00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,229 You're doing this all wrong! 11 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:32,966 Ted, there are couples in my kindergarten class who have moved faster than you two. 12 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,035 Granted, their home lives are not great. 13 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:38,172 Hey, I'm trying. I keep suggesting these big romantic dates, 14 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,873 and she keeps puttin' on the brakes. 15 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:43,144 Like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies. 16 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:47,281 Oh, translation: booty call. Total booty call. 17 00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,883 Private Booty reporting for duty. 18 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,985 That's crazy. She-She wants to bake. 19 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:57,825 Guys booty-call girls after 2:00 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, "Whatcha doin'?" 20 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,228 But when a lady booty-calls a guy, 21 00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:05,533 she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck real good. 22 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,569 It's called class, Ted. Wait, that-- 23 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,804 You think that's what she means by "baking cookies?" 24 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:14,742 Are you kidding? You're in the kitchen. It's getting hot. 25 00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,611 You start licking stuff off each other's fingers. 26 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,079 Before you know it, 27 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,681 she's bent over the marble island, 28 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,783 and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. 29 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,852 And she's screaming, "Stop, Marshall, stop!" 30 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,421 But that's just code for "Harder!" 31 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,724 Marshall's been in Minnesota a while, huh? 32 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:32,293 So long! 33 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,695 And now he's staying even longer. 34 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,898 His mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral. 35 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,867 He's waiting on her hand and foot. 36 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,735 But it's Valentine's Day. 37 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,938 It's not gonna be the same without the two of us watching Predator together. 38 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:48,409 [ Ted Narrating ] I should explain. On their very first Valentine's Day, 39 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:51,379 Marshall and Lily set out to watch Sleepless in Seattle. 40 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:55,283 You know, I saw this in the theater, like, five times. 41 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:57,818 But I never got to see it with the right girl. 42 00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:02,790 Ohh. I'm so glad none of those girls were right for you. 43 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,525 What girls? 44 00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:07,295 [ Man On TV ] If it bleeds, we can kill it. [ Machine Gun Fire ] 45 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:10,631 [ Ted Narrating ] Except Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator. 46 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,166 Mmm. 47 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:14,235 And it became a tradition. 48 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,737 Wow. You sound really lonely. 49 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:20,241 I am. Earlier today, I burst into tears-- 50 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:22,210 Shh! Daddy's talking now. 51 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:26,947 Loneliness, the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching. 52 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:30,884 The two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year, 53 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:34,154 February 13, Desperation Day. 54 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,524 That's not a thing. It's a thing. 55 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:40,694 Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. 56 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,831 Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law. [ No Audible Dialogue ] 57 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:47,901 So St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death. 58 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,037 - That's actually true. - Wait, there's more. 59 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,605 This won't be. 60 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,975 [ Barney ] And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, 61 00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:59,480 St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids. 62 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:03,951 Whoa! Check out that one. Her body is a perfect X. 63 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,320 Player, play on. High V. 64 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:12,059 Oh, Jupiter, what are your plans for me? 65 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,828 Fifteen and still not married. 66 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,866 And I thought Pompeii was smokin'. 67 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,534 [ Giggles ] 68 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,237 Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. 69 00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:28,175 That neediness reaches its climax-- What up?-- on February 13. 70 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:32,646 A magical night, when a 10 has the self-esteem of a 4... 71 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,683 and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. 72 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,951 Now, there's only one thing you can't do. 73 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,487 Please say "widows." 74 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:42,756 Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, 75 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:47,328 you must get home, alone, by 11:59 p.m. 76 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:50,498 Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day. 77 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:54,935 Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day. 78 00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,771 [ Scoffs ] Which we do not. Case in point-- 79 00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:01,909 I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work-- 80 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,812 Trolls. who could care less about Valentine's Day. 81 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:08,115 Lying trolls. And we will be celebrating that we don't have to spend it... 82 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:11,285 with some dippy guy, carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. 83 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,053 Oh, no offense, Ted. 84 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,988 And none was taken until just then. 85 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:32,440 I decided to go to Minnesota to see Marshall. 86 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,274 He shouldn't have to help his mom... 87 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,276 through this rough time all by himself. 88 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,347 - You losin' your mind being alone in your apartment? - I'm getting weird. 89 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,149 It started off with me throwing... 90 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,917 Marshall's jersey on my body pillow. 91 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:48,356 And, well, things kind of spiraled from there. 92 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,660 I'm sorry I yelled like that before. 93 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,430 I call him Marshpillow, and he calls me-- 94 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,699 Nothing, because he's a pillow. 95 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,202 Hey. 96 00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,672 Hey! How was baking cookies last night? 97 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,807 [ Ted Narrating ] That was a tough question. You see-- 98 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:09,777 Hi. 99 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,914 Uh, is that an overnight bag? 100 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,084 [ Friends Groan ] 101 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,821 - You brought an overnight bag? - You guys said I was definitely gonna spend the night. 102 00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,590 We said you were going to have sex. 103 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,858 We didn't say bring a carry-on. 104 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,394 How did Zoey react? 105 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,496 She thought I was presumptuous and asked me to leave. 106 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,764 It's not like I brought a ton of stuff. 107 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,400 Were there slippers for the morning? 108 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,169 Not slippers, exactly. 109 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,471 [ All Groan ] 110 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,707 They're called British morning socks. 111 00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:43,644 This is such a nice surprise. 112 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,613 Marshall will be so happy. 113 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,280 Ohh. 114 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,450 How are you holding up, Judy? 115 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,952 I'm doing okay. It gets a little lonely. 116 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,788 My friends suggested a body pillow, but-- 117 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,990 [ Chuckles ] I'm not a lunatic. 118 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,692 [ Marshall ] Hey, Mom? 119 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,861 I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was... 120 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:03,063 Hot Pocket o'clock, like, 10 minutes ago. 121 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,365 Lily! 122 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,200 Lily, what are you doing here? 123 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,036 I wanted to surprise you. 124 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,671 My gosh, that's so sweet. 125 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,540 Oh. I'm so glad you're here. 126 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:16,009 Hey, um, before I forget-- Mom, did you remember to get more double-A batteries? 127 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,779 They're upstairs, sweetie, right next to your washed and folded clothes. 128 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,881 Great. I don't want my Game Boy to crap out. 129 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,083 I'm having the sickest Dr. Mario run of my life. 130 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,686 Okay. I'll be right back. I love you, Lily. 131 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,087 Okay. ** [ Video Game ] 132 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:31,224 You're the best, Mom. Aww, anything for my baby bear. 133 00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:33,861 Get him out of my house. 134 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:42,169 Take Marshall back to New York with you. Please, I am begging you. 135 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,038 - I thought he was here helping you. - He was at first. 136 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,108 But once he saw me startin' to do better, he kind of regressed. 137 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:52,245 He's been holed up in his room for days at a time playing old video games. 138 00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:55,649 I mean, he is having a pretty sick Dr. Mario run, but-- 139 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,787 I'll talk to him. I want to be there for him. 140 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,523 But it's like he's a teenager again. 141 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,925 I even walked in on him abusing himself. 142 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,093 Oh, God. 143 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,662 He was on the bed, lookin' at old photos of his dad. 144 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,932 That's emotional self-abuse. Don't you think? 145 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,768 [ Knocking ] 146 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,070 - Hi. - Hi. 147 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,874 That was a dumb move for me to just assume-- 148 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,042 No, I overreacted. 149 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:25,713 I mean, I invited you over to "bake cookies." 150 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,314 We both knew what that meant. 151 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,082 We totally did. 152 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,752 It's just, you know, I saw those slippers in your bag, 153 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,454 and suddenly everything felt really serious. 154 00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:40,293 And ever since I've been asking myself, "Am I ready for this?" 155 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,929 And... 156 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,098 the answer is "Yes." 157 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,438 They're actually called British morning socks. 158 00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,541 Don't get in your own way. Right. Good. 159 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,978 Um, Marshall, your mom asked me to carry this up. 160 00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,247 She turned her ankle on your Hot Wheels. 161 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,150 - Is my track okay? - It's fine. 162 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:06,820 But, Marshall, I thought you were here taking care of your mom. 163 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,222 It seems like she's taking care of you. 164 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,325 My mom loves to feel needed. 165 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:15,896 Letting her take care of me is how I'm taking care of her. 166 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:20,333 [ Whispering ] She's in a dark place, Lily. She needs this. 167 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,605 [ Loudly ] Mom? You forgot my chocolate milk with the swirly straw! 168 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,574 [ Judy ] Oops! Coming right up! 169 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,777 ** [ Video Game ] Ow. Ow. 170 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,145 [ Whispers ] She needs this. Marshall, 171 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,481 tomorrow's Valentine's. 172 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,717 Don't you wanna be at home on our couch, 173 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,652 cuddling up under a warm blanket, 174 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,655 watching the Predator use his heat vision... 175 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,591 to stalk helpless prey? 176 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:50,731 [ Heartbeat ] 177 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,135 [ Beat Resumes ] 178 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:59,006 [ Mimics Predator Clicking ] 179 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,341 Well, baby, we could watch Predator here. 180 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:05,012 No, my mom can go rent it for us after she's done diggin' out the car. 181 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,314 - Marshall, your mom wants you out of here. - What? 182 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,049 Anything else, sweetie? 183 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,852 Mom, do-- Do you want me to leave? 184 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:15,689 Heavens to Bess, no! Of course not! 185 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:16,857 But, Judy, you said-- 186 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,559 Oh, if Marshall could stay here forever, 187 00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:22,763 I would be the happiest mom in Minnesota. 188 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,633 [ Mouthing Words ] 189 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,603 So, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Yeah. 190 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:34,241 You know, there's this new Italian restaurant on 79th that's supposed to be amazing. 191 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:39,279 I would be happier having just a simple home-cooked meal, as long as it's with you. 192 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,348 Tomorrow night, my place. 193 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:49,690 I'm ready for this, Ted. I am in it for the long haul. 194 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:54,594 I can't wait for our first Valentine's Day as a couple. [ Giggles ] 195 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,097 The one we'll remember for years. 196 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,468 - Isn't that great? - Yeah, if you say so. Yeah. 197 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:05,138 - What do you mean? - She just got out of a marriage, Ted. 198 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,842 That's heavy. See, I'm kind of freaking out just listening to you. 199 00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,610 My-My heart is pounding. 200 00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:12,279 I'm hearing this weird clicking noise. 201 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,715 [ Barney Clicking ] 202 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,985 Well, it's romantic, right? 203 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:21,188 Zoey and I are getting serious on Valentine's Day. 204 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,824 See, that just amps up the pressure even more. 205 00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:26,359 [ Sighs ] Boy, it's a good thing that you're sure. 206 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,461 Who said I wasn't sure? 207 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:31,732 I'm glad we're in a serious relationship... right away. 208 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,334 And if I screw this up, I'm the devil. 209 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:37,270 Because she's going through a divorce. But I'm not gonna screw this up. 210 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:41,641 So, stop freaking out, Robin. Stop freaking out! 211 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,244 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, I'm not super proud of what I did next. 212 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,980 Hi. I'm here to help Marshall. 213 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:53,153 [ Ted Narrating ] Meanwhile, as Desperation Day turned into Desperation Night. 214 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,857 God, these girls are so hungry for male attention. 215 00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:59,592 It is like being a hunter-- Mmm. 216 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,263 and having the deer walk up, tie itself to the hood of your car... 217 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,965 and beg to get mounted. 218 00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:07,600 Barney, this is Bev and Anna, 219 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,402 uh, my coworkers and my friends. 220 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,904 Bev, Anna, this is Barney, 221 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,673 a high-functioning sociopath and my ex. 222 00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:15,909 Enchanté. 223 00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:18,045 That's French for "What's with the purple?" 224 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,447 Well, tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and everything is pink and red, 225 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:25,352 so Bev very thoughtfully suggested that we wear purple to show how little we care. 226 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:29,389 I use colors to express emotion. Purple is for pride. 227 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,992 It was a stupid idea. 228 00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:35,495 Bev, you look at me. It's not a stupid idea. 229 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,464 Tonight we are queens! 230 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:42,169 And we don't care about some stupid, sexist, corporate holiday. 231 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:47,474 Please. You might as well be dog-earing a tear-stained bridal magazine... 232 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,811 while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work... 233 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,180 from your "fiancé", who no one's ever met. 234 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,982 Gerard is real! 235 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,184 Oh! 236 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,854 [ Beeping ] Ted. 237 00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:04,224 I thought you were gonna talk to Marshall about coming back to New York. 238 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:07,694 Yeah. But, you know, things move so fast in New York. 239 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:11,731 Why not hang out here until at least after Valentine's Day? 240 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:13,767 Plus, we're helping Marshall's mom. 241 00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,469 Uh, Mrs. Eriksen, we're runnin' low on SunnyD! 242 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,438 [ Judy ] Is orange juice okay? 243 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,073 [ Together ] No! 244 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:24,277 Okay. When your "fiancé," Gerard, 245 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,614 comes back from fixing cleft palates in Peru, 246 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:31,051 maybe snatch a photo of the two of you together, and then I'll totally believe you. 247 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:34,621 Well, he's going to Kenya after Peru so-- 248 00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,924 Hey, guys! So sorry I'm late. 249 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,491 Hey, Nora. Hey. 250 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:41,494 Nora, this is Barney. Wanna see Anna beat him in an arm wrestle? 251 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:42,896 My elbow slipped. Yeah. 252 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:47,334 Marshall, I'm going home. 253 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,336 ** [ Video Game ] 254 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,739 What? 255 00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,208 I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, 256 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,377 and I want you to come with me. 257 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:02,149 I can't right now 'cause my mom needs me. 258 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:05,418 Well, I'm sure it's been really helpful for her... 259 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:09,356 to have you here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day. 260 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,491 - You have Super Mario Kart? - Hell yeah. 261 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:17,197 But your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you. 262 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:20,067 It-- It needs you really bad. 263 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,336 Baby, don't go. 264 00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,411 Please come home soon. 265 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:38,485 - So you were an Olympic gymnast? - Silver medal. 266 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:41,989 Ooh, sorry. Gold's the only thing that really counts. 267 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:45,058 - That's what my dad said. - And she sticks the landing. 268 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:49,262 Why don't you start stretching, and I'll... be right back? 269 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,098 Hey, hey, sorry. Oh, hi. 270 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,565 Quick question. Yeah. 271 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,534 Why aren't you wearing purple like your friends? 272 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:58,838 Oh. I told them I forgot. But the truth is I'm kind of protesting their protest. 273 00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:00,673 - Can you keep a secret? - Sure. 274 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,609 I love Valentine's Day. 275 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,878 Oh, my gosh, me too! 276 00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,947 Um, is it getting crowded in here? 277 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,982 'Cause I think there are two peas in this pod. 278 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,751 - Oh, you're a gooey romantic too. - Guilty. 279 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,587 This is embarrassing, but every year, 280 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:18,191 I buy flowers and a box of chocolates, even if I'm not with someone. 281 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,128 Just in case, you know? 282 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,396 - We are pitiful. - The worst. 283 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:26,433 [ Both Chuckle ] Although, there is one difference between you and me. 284 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,469 - What's that? - I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants. 285 00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,075 ** [ Stops ] 286 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,611 I miss my dad, Ted. 287 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,149 [ Sighs ] I miss him so much. 288 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,150 I know. 289 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:45,953 [ Chuckles ] 290 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:49,990 When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the Upper Peninsula. 291 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:53,793 And every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin until, like, the middle of the night. 292 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,728 So, it would be pitch black, 293 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,664 in the middle of the woods, 294 00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,567 and I could never see anything in front of the headlights. 295 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:05,038 But I always felt so safe, 'cause my dad was driving. 296 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,207 He was like some sort of superhero. 297 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,376 He could just see way out into the darkness. 298 00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:13,146 Now he's just gone. 299 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,950 And it's pitch black. 300 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,152 I can't see where I'm goin'. 301 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:21,688 [ Exhales ] I can't see anything. 302 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,594 All right, okay. I was playing you before. 303 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,697 But I was really doing you a public service. 304 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:35,535 It's February 13, a day many are now calling Desperation Day. 305 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:40,107 It's kind of a thing. And you, walkin' around, saying you're "a gooey romantic"? 306 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,709 It comes across a bit desperate. 307 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,312 [ Scoffs ] What's desperate about knowing what you want? 308 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:48,148 Look, life is really short, Barney. 309 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:50,417 Who wants to spend Valentine's Day alone, 310 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:55,255 distracting yourself from the fact that nobody loves you, with some sad little activity? 311 00:15:55,322 --> 00:16:01,094 Um, or you could be in the 47th Semi-annual Laser Tag Tournament in Poughkeepsie. 312 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,563 I have no idea what any of those words mean. 313 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,433 Hey! I'm all stretched out. 314 00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:11,238 Here's the first thing you need to know about laser tag. 315 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,974 Thanks a lot for comin' out here, man. Yeah. 316 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,378 Hey. Are you sure it's okay with Zoey... 317 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,013 that you're here for Valentine's Day? 318 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,151 - Well, I mean, technically, she doesn't... know yet. - What? 319 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,087 Things with Zoey are moving really fast, 320 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,290 and the divorce just makes everything more complicated. 321 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,392 I just-- I needed to take a step back. 322 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:36,096 You're not takin' a step back. You're running away. 323 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:39,199 And hiding out here-- Hiding out here is not gonna solve anything. 324 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:44,137 Just holed up in Minnesota because you're too scared to face reality is-- 325 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,344 We gotta go back to New York... tonight. 326 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,580 We're snowed in. Lily got the last flight. 327 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,882 So we drive. It's time. 328 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,051 It's time to get back to real life. 329 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,587 It's time to grow up. 330 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:01,754 Yeah. 331 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,091 [ Yelling ] Mom? 332 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,426 Can you make us some P.B. and J.'s for the road? 333 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,461 Crusts cut off. [ Yells ] Crusts cut off! 334 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,697 No, Ted, what are we-- 335 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,701 We're men. 336 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,704 [ Yelling ] Mom! 337 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,541 Leave the crusts on. 338 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:26,813 They forced their opponents to scatter, 339 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:31,718 picking them off one by one, in a swift and merciless slaughter. 340 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:35,522 And that is how Boy Scout Troop 15 became the 2010 Tri-County Champions. 341 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,725 Wow! Laser tag sounds brilliant. 342 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,528 Oh, it is. Plus, if you win, you get free pizza. 343 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,197 This is my teammate for tomorrow. 344 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,932 Oh, yeah, I agreed to that. 345 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,834 Where are Bev and Anna? 346 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:48,835 Well-- 347 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,371 - So we're taking off. - What? 348 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:54,374 Those guys are gonna buy us hot dogs at Gray's Papaya. 349 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,376 [ Robin ] What? So that's it? 350 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:59,579 A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone? 351 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,081 [ Scoffs ] What about the sisterhood? 352 00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:04,151 Solidarity? The-The color purple? 353 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,653 But tomorrow's Valentine's Day. 354 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,355 I thought we didn't care about Valentine's Day. 355 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,623 Look, Robin, you'll find someone too. 356 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,526 You're a queen. You've got so much to offer. 357 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,362 Maybe do something with that hair. 358 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:20,633 I'm tellin' you-- the power of Valentine's Day. 359 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,336 I'm Huey Lewis, and you just heard the news. 360 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,738 Well, I think I'm heading out too. 361 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,275 What? No. Don't go. You wanna see a magic trick? 362 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,477 It's late, and I have a date with my pillow. 363 00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,413 I mean, not literally. I'm not a lunatic. 364 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,815 Boy Scout Troop 15 doesn't stand a chance. 365 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,717 Night. 366 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:40,853 [ Egg Crunches ] 367 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,726 Speaking of the power of Valentine's Day-- 368 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,295 What are you talkin' about? 369 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:51,130 Oh, come on. It's-It's past midnight. 370 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,533 Desperation Day has come and gone, 371 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,503 and you have neither gone nor come. 372 00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:00,340 You know why? You like Nora. 373 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:03,476 No, I don't. She's gross. You like her. 374 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,213 You think she smells like rain. 375 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:07,880 Whatever you say. 376 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,350 Oh, hey, Nora. Nora! 377 00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:21,694 [ Marvin ] Here's a secret. 378 00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,897 I couldn't see worth a damn either, buddy. 379 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,836 I just kept drivin' forward, hopin' for the best. 380 00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:33,906 Look out! Oh, God. 381 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,476 Gotcha. [ Chuckles ] 382 00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,851 [ Ted Narrating ] And so we drove through the night. 383 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,554 Out of Desperation Day and into Valentine's. 384 00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:50,623 And there was no trace of my little freak-out. Except-- 385 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,925 Really? An overnight bag for your own living room? 386 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,997 Looks like we got a matching set. 387 00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:01,568 Well, that was kind of presumptuous. 388 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,670 ** [ Pop ] * The moving of that sign * 389 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,439 * The ground was shaking like a leaf * 390 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,308 Robin? Where are you? 391 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,278 Those Boy Scouts have grown a foot since last year. They're terrifying me! 392 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:15,815 Oh, yeah, change of plans. Happy Valentine's Day. 393 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:16,949 [ Grunts ] I hate you. 394 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:20,019 Hey, Barney. Robin told me to meet you guys here. 395 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:22,389 [ Ted Narrating ] And that's how, for the first time in his life, 396 00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:25,392 Barney Stinson wound up on a date on Valentine's Day. 397 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:26,759 [ Electronic Gunfire ] 398 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,496 Oh! You kil-- 399 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,098 [ Sighs ] You will be avenged. 400 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:34,867 ** [ Continues In Background ] 401 00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:37,470 [ Mouthing Words ] [ Man On TV ] Come on! Come on! 402 00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,806 Kill me. I'm here! Kill me! 403 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:45,144 Baby! You're back! 404 00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,747 Happy Valentine's Day, Lily pad. Oh! 405 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:50,583 [ Screaming, Gunfire, Predator Clicking ] 406 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:03,195 We both knew this would end eventually. 407 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:07,734 ** [ Piano: Romantic ]