1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,771 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, after Uncle Marshall lost his father, 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,207 he stayed home a while to take care of his mother. 3 00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:09,543 And the longer he stayed there, the more it was like he had never left Minnesota. 4 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,712 Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking. 5 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,848 [ Laughing ] Oh, that is too cute. Say it again. 6 00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:16,850 No. It's called manners, jerk. 7 00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:19,553 Now, what's goin' on in New York? Give me something. 8 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,955 There is one thing that's been going on. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,957 Uh, it's about Ted. 10 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,693 - Oh. - And Zoey. 11 00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,928 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, as you remember, Zoey and I met... 12 00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:30,864 because she was trying to save an old building from being torn down... 13 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,467 and replaced by a new building that I had been hired to design. 14 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,870 And yet somehow despite this, we all became friends-- 15 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,040 which brings us to the night Aunt Robin decided to cook dinner. 16 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,276 [ Sizzling ] 17 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,748 I thought the oven was Celsius. 18 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,484 It's okay. We got hot dogs. 19 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,821 Yeah. And it's not like you can screw up a hot dog. 20 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:58,192 Oh, God. This is so good. 21 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:01,061 I'm gonna finish it in the bathroom. 22 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,399 Could someone pass the ketchup? 23 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,934 I hope I can pass this hot dog. 24 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,269 Oh. 25 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,737 Oh! [ Bottle Shatters ] 26 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,139 Oops. 27 00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,541 Looks like someone's goin' out in the cold to get more ketchup. 28 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,043 Oh, come on, man. I brought the wine. 29 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,678 Which is all gone. 30 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:21,081 - Oops. - [ Sighs ] I'll tell you what. 31 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:24,418 You get this one bottle, I'll get the next three. Tell you what. No dice. 32 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,754 I'll get the next hundred. You're not getting outta this. 33 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,557 You wanna go on a date with my hot cousin? I'll get the ketchup. 34 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,561 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 35 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,131 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 36 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,037 ** [ Ends ] 37 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,207 Robin, I just want you to know... 38 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,209 it's either this story you're telling me... 39 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:49,843 or another game of Clue against myself. 40 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,345 So make it good. 41 00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:54,014 Oh, it's good. You see, after that night, 42 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,916 none of us heard from Zoey for a while. 43 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,685 Finally, Ted called her up. 44 00:01:57,751 --> 00:02:00,020 - Hello? - So, are we ever gonna see you again? 45 00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:03,857 Because, if I recall correctly, you owe me a date with your hot cousin. 46 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,659 You still want to do that? 47 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:07,528 Yes. And we miss you. 48 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:10,097 But the cousin thing mostly. Let's get that goin'. 49 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,500 Don't worry, Ted. She's cute. 50 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,935 [ Coughs ] "Cute" means fat. 51 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,570 She's not fat. [ Coughs ] 52 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,840 "Not fat" means ugly. Whoa! 53 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:23,010 Oop, here she is. 54 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,112 [ Coughs ] I take back everything I said. 55 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,315 Oh, that girl's extremely attractive. 56 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,917 Hey, Zoey. Hey. 57 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,453 Ted, this is my cousin. 58 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,954 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, to be honest, 59 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,324 I don't quite remember this girl's name-- none of us do-- 60 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,359 because as this story has been told and retold, 61 00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:41,729 we've always just referred to her as-- Honey. 62 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,030 Hi, Honey. I'm Ted. 63 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,432 And here's why. 64 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,668 She is a lovely person. 65 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,870 Warm, intelligent. 66 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,572 Just kind of gullible. 67 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,441 It's like every word out of her mouth... 68 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:57,077 makes you wanna be, like, "Oh, Honey." 69 00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:59,547 Interesting. Show your work. 70 00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:02,149 My apartment building is so safe. 71 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:05,886 My landlord, he even installed a security camera in my shower. 72 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,321 Oh, Honey. 73 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,989 Maybe I should feel weird... 74 00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,925 about giving a stranger my Social Security number, 75 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:15,195 but the guy's a Nigerian prince. 76 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,231 Oh, Honey. 77 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:20,234 I just had a great TV audition... 78 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,969 behind the K.F.C.... 79 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,972 where the executive producer works on the weekends. 80 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,674 Oh, Honey! 81 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,676 Long story short, 82 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:31,111 I'm gonna be on Lost. [ Giggles ] 83 00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:33,381 Oh, Honey. 84 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,883 I know. You just wanna wrap her up in a blanket... 85 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,485 and give her a cup of tea. 86 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,820 She's like this little lost lamb... 87 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,855 who needs to be protected from the wolves. 88 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,091 Speaking of whom. 89 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:48,629 Yeah, I always get those e-mails from Michelle Obama, and sometimes Obama himself. 90 00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:53,166 Ohhh, Honey. 91 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,068 [ Robin ] So the night went on, 92 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,037 and eventually everyone went home, 93 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,373 except for Ted and Honey-- 94 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,476 Wow, an architect. How fascinating. 95 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,945 Why do they call 'em "coasters"? 96 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,780 and Barney. 97 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,983 Okay, time to go home. 98 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,852 Ted, a word. 99 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,257 Oh, God, I hate these situations. 100 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,259 What are we gonna do about this? 101 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:20,861 What are you talking about? 102 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,463 Come on, Ted. It's obvious. 103 00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,498 Honey's "vibing" on me. 104 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,368 What? It's called body language. 105 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,671 Remember when she was touching your arm and leaning in real close? 106 00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:33,641 Mm-hmm. Well, while that was happening, 107 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:38,879 the straw in her drink was pointed right at me. 108 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:44,084 I mean, that's as clear as a signal gets. 109 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:48,722 Mm-hmm. So I'm so sorry, man. 110 00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,961 You're right. She's all yours, buddy. 111 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,798 I'd say hump her brains out, but someone obviously already has. 112 00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,267 [ Robin ] Good for you. 113 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:03,303 Ted Mosby does not take advantage of poor helpless honeys. 114 00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:07,007 Yeah, actually, there's another reason that I didn't go home with her. 115 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,776 - Hmm? - He's gay! 116 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,811 Mom! Hang up! 117 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,513 I'm sorry. 118 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,015 [ Scoffs ] Go on. 119 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:18,218 Yeah, actually, there's another reason that I didn't go home with her. 120 00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:21,321 Mmm. I'm in love with Zoey. 121 00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:24,191 Oh, my God. 122 00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,826 Oh, my God! 123 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,828 - Mom! - Sorry. 124 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,403 Ted's in love with Zoey? 125 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,337 But-- But she's married. 126 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,239 That boy needs an intervention. 127 00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:40,641 Funny you should say that. 128 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,543 Does anyone know why we're here? 129 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,311 [ Lily ] Yeah, who called this intervention? 130 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,847 I did. It's for me. 131 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:50,418 This is about the coffee breath. Finally! No, it's the shoulder hair. 132 00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,153 Guys, just let the man explain... 133 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,589 how it's all about his wearing a ladies' watch. 134 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:58,258 It's because I'm in love with Zoey, 135 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:01,429 and she's married, so it needs to stop. 136 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,231 And... intervene. 137 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:06,199 Are you sure it's love? 138 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:08,536 [ Sighs ] Remember the ketchup bottle? 139 00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:10,471 She wasn't the one who dropped it. 140 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:14,107 When she reached for it, our fingers touched and-- 141 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:15,609 [ Bottle Shatters ] 142 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:19,480 I knew, right in that moment, this isn't friendship. 143 00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,449 This is love. 144 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,284 - Wuss. - Marcus! 145 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:27,320 - This is a private conversation! God! - [ Beeps ] 146 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,090 So what'd the wuss do next? 147 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,426 This is love. 148 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:36,997 And this was my grandmother's watch. 149 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,468 Anyway, now I have only one course of action in front of me. 150 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,369 I have to end my friendship with Zoey. 151 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,672 - Isn't that a little harsh? - Harsh? 152 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,441 Robin, a single guy and a married woman cannot be friends... 153 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,543 if one's in love with the other. 154 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:52,079 Yeah, but Zoey is friends with us now too. 155 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:55,583 It's not like Ted can just ghost out on her. She'll always be around. 156 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,151 Then what am I supposed to do? Okay, just shut it down. 157 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,887 Okay, just ignore your feelings. 158 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:03,323 If she asks you for ketchup, tell her to get it her own damn self. 159 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:05,025 Look, I like Zoey. 160 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,562 Without her, my dinner party wouldn't have been such a success. 161 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,964 So those feelings of yours, shut them down. 162 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,567 Fine. 163 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,135 I'll shut 'em down. 164 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:19,540 And seriously, mouthwash after coffee. 165 00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,510 - [ Phone Beeps ] - Um, that's my other line. 166 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,980 - It's not a number I recognize. - So, don't answer it. 167 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,249 [ Beeps ] Yeah. 168 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:32,586 [ Imitating Accent ] Oh, my God. You are so Minnesota. 169 00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:36,423 - [ Beeps ] - You can't not answer the phone because it would be rude. 170 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:37,958 Well, it would be. Good-bye. 171 00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:41,128 Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking. 172 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,596 - Hey, Marshall. - Barney. 173 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,666 - W-What number is this? - I'm up on burners, player. 174 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,701 Too many crazies had my old number, 175 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:50,403 so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. 176 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,472 I'll use one for a while, have my fun, 177 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,307 then dump it and get a new one. 178 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,143 Then I'll do the same with my phone. 179 00:07:56,209 --> 00:08:00,581 Hey, um, so Robin told me about this whole "Ted and Zoey" thing. 180 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,482 Dude, she doesn't know how to tell a story. 181 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,017 I'll tell you that story. 182 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,820 Hey, Zoey. 183 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,322 Hey, Ted, this is my cousin. 184 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:10,958 Honey. 185 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:18,832 - Uh, Robin's version was-- - That is exactly how it happened. 186 00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,234 So, Ted did his best to impress her. 187 00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:25,539 But as per "uszh," he bored the pants very much on her. 188 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,775 Blah, blah, blah. I'm an architect. 189 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,343 Blah, blah, blah. I don't wear suits. 190 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:34,014 - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - Wow, an architect. 191 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,049 How fascinating. 192 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,919 Blah, blah, blah, blah. Rambling architecture anecdote. 193 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,789 Blah, blah. Something about a bridge. 194 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,692 - Blah-- - [ Whispering ] Straw. 195 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,096 Coaster. 196 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,000 Okay, time to go home. 197 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,605 Anyway, I get Honey back to her place. 198 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,373 Who's your daddy? 199 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,475 Okay, can we skip this part, please? 200 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,878 Sure. I'll just summarize it. 201 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:09,216 [ Imitating Bedsprings Creaking ] 202 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,321 [ Speeds Up ] 203 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,326 [ Slows Down ] 204 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,195 - That's been goin' on a while. - Only way I know how. 205 00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:25,933 Anyhoo, next day, I'm goin' in to work. 206 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,801 I run into Zoey. Hey, Zoey. 207 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:31,038 That cousin of yours, Honey-- Yowza! 208 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:35,008 I gotta say, your family tree has got a couple of pretty big coconuts. 209 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,511 Thanks. Yeah. We had a great time last night. 210 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,048 And then just hand stuff in the morning. 211 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:44,117 Wait. She didn't go home with Ted? Nope. He let me have her. 212 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,253 I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. 213 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,690 He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine. 214 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,558 I won't bore you with the details, 215 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,560 but to summarize-- 216 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:56,797 [ Imitates Bedsprings Creaking ] 217 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:57,931 Hey! 218 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:02,535 She hugged me. What was that all about? 219 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,205 - Zoey's in love with Ted. - Marcus! 220 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,573 Wait. Hear me out, Marshall. 221 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,476 Zoey's in love with Ted, but she's married. 222 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:13,647 So she tried to push him away by setting him up with her cousin instead. 223 00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:17,250 But seeing Ted and Honey hit it off was more than her gentle heart could bear. 224 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,954 So Zoey left early, pricked by love's fickle thorn. 225 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,656 But then, the next morning, 226 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:26,026 upon learning that Ted had not tasted of Honey's sweet nectar, 227 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:30,097 her joy burst forth like a blossoming flower in spring. 228 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,932 Wow. 229 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,467 Zoey's in love with Ted. 230 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:38,571 Oh, Marshall, I stopped by that new doughnut shop, Hertz Doughnuts. 231 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,674 Would you like a Hertz Doughnut? 232 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,142 - Sure. - [ Phone Beeps ] 233 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,549 Hey, where's the-- [ Groans ] 234 00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,118 Hurts, don't it? 235 00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,555 I can't believe you fell for that, bro. 236 00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:58,658 So, Ted's in love with Zoey, 237 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,161 and Zoey's in love with Ted. 238 00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,662 Well, that-- That's not gonna work. 239 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,297 I gotta call Ted. 240 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,465 [ Ringing ] 241 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,300 Hello? 242 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:10,603 Listen, Ted, um, I gotta tell you somethin' about Zoey. 243 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,841 Yeah, yeah. I need to tell you somethin' about Zoey too. 244 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,109 Hey, I was in the neighborhood, 245 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,445 and I thought I'd take you up on that beer you're about to offer me. 246 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,247 Can I get you a beer? 247 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,015 Oh, Ted, I'm so busy. 248 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,117 But I guess I got time for one. 249 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,886 Lead the way. 250 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:30,724 [ Laughs ] Oh, God. 251 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,893 What? Fridge full of ketchup? 252 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,029 How? How, I ask you? 253 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,701 What? 254 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,705 Listen, Zoey, I, um-- 255 00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:50,744 I need to tell you something. Um-- 256 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,579 Marshall, I'm goin' to Byerly's. You want anything? 257 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,581 Mom! Get off the phone! 258 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,216 Could you get some more Bugles please? 259 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,218 - Of course, dear. - Marcus, hang up! 260 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,520 Both of you, hang up! 261 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,355 And we need ice cream. 262 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,193 Go on. 263 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:10,297 I, uh-- I can't be friends with you anymore. 264 00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:16,236 And this may seem strange, but you can't ask me why. 265 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,039 Wow. 266 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:21,975 Okay. 267 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,183 And that was it. No more Zoey. 268 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,751 [ Beeps ] 269 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:34,621 Hey, buddy, that's Lily. I should take that. 270 00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,090 But, uh, you're a good guy, Ted. 271 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,360 [ Beeps ] Hey, baby. 272 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,761 We hate Ted now! 273 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,763 Get on board, or the sexting stops. 274 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:46,399 Ted's a son of a bitch! 275 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:49,169 [ Cell Phone Chirps ] 276 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,938 Oh. Nice. 277 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:54,174 But, hey, um, baby, go easy on Ted, okay? 278 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,476 He just-- He just ended things with Zoey. 279 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,011 Oh, I know. 280 00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:00,247 But did he tell you the whole story? 281 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:04,351 I, uh-- I can't be friends with you anymore, 282 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,955 and you can't ask me why. 283 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,964 - Why? - Lily hates you. 284 00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,168 You hate me? 285 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,640 That's crazy. I don't hate you. 286 00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,978 Well, I know that's not true, Lily. Ted told me everything. 287 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,980 He-- Oh, really? 288 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:36,383 [ Stammering ] And what did Ted say exactly? 289 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,052 Lily hates you. 290 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,421 She hates you so much... 291 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,457 it's hard to be around you. 292 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,661 So we can't be friends. 293 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:52,465 Oh, he-- Oh, y-yeah. 294 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:56,069 Okay, well, I-I-I guess there's no use hiding it anymore. 295 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,406 I-- I hate you. Bitch. 296 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,242 I can't believe it. 297 00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,945 I really thought you and I were friends. 298 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,280 Lord knows I could use a friend right now. 299 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,517 I've been going through some pretty difficult stuff. 300 00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:14,121 - Difficult stuff? What-What difficult stuff? - I don't know. 301 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,923 Well, you did the right thing, baby. 302 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,258 Not entirely. 303 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,493 Zoey, wait. 304 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,029 I don't hate you. 305 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:26,333 We just can't be friends anymore because... 306 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,135 Robin hates you. 307 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,171 - [ Phone Beeps ] - And that's Robin on the other line. 308 00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,373 Oh, well, I'll let you take that. Love you, baby. 309 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,708 [ Beeps ] Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking. 310 00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:38,311 Listen, Robin, I know. I apologize for my wife. She never should have-- 311 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:41,814 Yeah. I told Zoey you hate her. 312 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,551 Me? You dragged me into this? 313 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:47,820 You just went through a tragedy. It's not like she's gonna call you up and-- 314 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,456 [ Beeps ] Oh, God. 315 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:50,991 That's my other line. 316 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:54,494 Oh, God! It's a 917 number, and I don't recognize it. I think it's Zoey. 317 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:57,897 - Just don't answer it. - I can't not answer. It's impolite. 318 00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,099 - You can do this. - I can't turn my back-- 319 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,233 You don't have to answer it. 320 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,768 Good manners are what separate us... 321 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:04,171 from those "elbows on the table" Wisconsinites. You can do this. 322 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,006 - Don't do it, Marshall! - I'm sorry Robin! 323 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:08,341 Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking. 324 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,478 Hi. I spent the night with your friend Barney, 325 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:16,216 and he accidentally left his phone in my apartment in the garbage. 326 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,351 But I've been going through all of his contacts... 327 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,553 because I'm sure he wants to get in touch with me. 328 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,356 After all, he told me, uh, 329 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,992 I was his first. 330 00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:26,559 Oh, honey. 331 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:30,763 Oh. Honey-- Zoey's cousin. 332 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,100 - Hi. - Listen, um, about Barney. 333 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:35,135 Oh, yeah. He's such a sweet guy. 334 00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:39,539 Who's your daddy? [ Giggles ] 335 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,341 Who's your daddy? 336 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:44,044 I... don't know. [ Sobbing ] 337 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,382 I guess he recently decided to get in touch with his dad. 338 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,618 His mom gave him the guy's address. 339 00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:56,689 So I wrote him a letter, and I poured my heart out. 340 00:15:56,756 --> 00:16:00,360 And I gave him my number and I told him to call me, 341 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,996 and he still hasn't called me. 342 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,198 Oh, honey. 343 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,500 I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. 344 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,003 Clearly he wants nothing to do with me. 345 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,638 Oh, honey. 346 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:16,876 I mean, why else would he let 30 years go by? 347 00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:21,148 He's ashamed to have me as a son. 348 00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,051 Oh, honey. He's not ashamed of you. 349 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,686 He's ashamed of himself. 350 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:30,090 I mean, look at you. You do so great without him. 351 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,959 I mean, you have an airline... 352 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,362 and three Nobel Prizes, 353 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,864 and you play for the Yankees. 354 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,600 Four. Four Nobel Prizes. 355 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,868 Four. 356 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,437 See? That is impressive. 357 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,073 I mean, how many does he have? 358 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,041 Only three. 359 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,077 There you go. 360 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:53,146 Hey, uh, listen, Honey, while I've got you, 361 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:57,717 do you have any idea what kind of difficult stuff Zoey's been going through? 362 00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,520 Oh, I can't tell you about that. 363 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:04,724 The only people that are allowed to know are me, Zoey and her therapist. 364 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,960 I am her therapist. 365 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,897 Oh! Well, in that case. 366 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,765 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 367 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,904 Uh, okay, listen, I think we've made great progress for today. 368 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,273 I gotta go. Bye. 369 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,244 Mom! Marcus! [ Knocking ] 370 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,680 What's this really about? 371 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,717 I told you. Lily hates you. 372 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,252 I think you hate me. 373 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,786 I think you have some big problem with me, 374 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,356 and you're too chicken to come out and say it. 375 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:41,094 All right. Yes. 376 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,063 I... hate you. 377 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,766 Great. 378 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,502 See? Was that so hard? 379 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,808 Zoey. 380 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,577 Can you at least tell me why? 381 00:17:57,644 --> 00:18:00,413 Because I'm racking my brain here, and I thought-- 382 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:04,184 [ Sighs ] I just wanna know why. 383 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,220 So we got Ted and Zoey. 384 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,323 Ted is in love with Zoey. Zoey has no idea. 385 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,792 Then, Zoey's cousin Honey went home with Barney, 386 00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:16,263 and Zoey was happy about it, which tells us what? 387 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,798 - Zoey's in love-- - Zoey's in love with Ted, and Ted doesn't know. 388 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,933 So, Ted and Zoey, they're in love with each other. 389 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,271 Which would be fine if Zoey wasn't married to Colonel Mustard. 390 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,439 I mean the Captain. 391 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:30,042 Except now, as Honey informs me-- 392 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,212 And we miss you. But the cousin thing mostly. 393 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,613 Let's get that goin'. 394 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,083 Fine. I will, uh, make it happen. 395 00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:39,186 Bye. 396 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,422 Okay, well, 397 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,792 I guess I'll take it. 398 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:53,666 Zoey and the Captain are getting divorced. 399 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,236 Which means? 400 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,405 So help me, Marshall, 401 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:02,675 if you don't call those two crazy mixed-up kids, I will. 402 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,478 Give me that phone. 403 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,881 Why do I hate you? Are you kidding? 404 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,818 Uh, you're actively trying to prevent me from realizing a lifelong dream. 405 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,152 So there's that. 406 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:16,223 Plus, you're stubborn and-and argumentative. 407 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,359 And, what kind of name is Zoey? Huh? 408 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,361 Wh-What is that? Short for Zoseph? 409 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:23,363 [ Cell Phone Ringing ] Go on. 410 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,498 Get it. I'll have more in a second. 411 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,067 Hello? 412 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,303 Oh. Hey, Marshall. 413 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,774 Yes, I am. 414 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,745 Yes, I am. 415 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,615 He is? 416 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,053 Bye. 417 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,357 - Why was Marshall calling you? - Don't worry about it. Go on. 418 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,560 You talk during movies. 419 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,663 You-- You sneeze with your whole body. 420 00:19:56,729 --> 00:20:00,099 To my knowledge, you do not speak Portuguese. Well, actually-- 421 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,502 [ Speaking Portuguese ] 422 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,671 You're a show-off. 423 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,307 [ Cell Phone Rings ] 424 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,509 Better take that. 425 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,315 Uh, hey, Marshall, can I call you back? 426 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,949 I'm out in the hallway with-- 427 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,687 She is? 428 00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,691 She is? 429 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,696 Marshall, I gotta go. 430 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,522 - They're kissing. - They're kissing! 431 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,256 Yeah! [ Marshall ] They're kissing! 432 00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,826 They're kissing! Mom, they're kissing.