1 00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:02,503 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 2 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:06,074 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 3 00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,346 ** [ Ends ] 4 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,484 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, when your best friend loses someone-- 5 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,119 My dad's dead? 6 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,055 You drop everything and rush to his side-- 7 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,590 only to find yourself... 8 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,059 standing there with no idea what to do or say. 9 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,994 This is the toughest time in Marshall's life, 10 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,029 and I feel absolutely useless. 11 00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:30,931 I mean, what can we do to help? 12 00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:32,400 Well, don't look at me. This morning, 13 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,102 Marshall said, "I have to pee." 14 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,003 And I said, "don't worry, baby. I'll do it for you." 15 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:39,207 Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense." 16 00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:42,042 I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role. 17 00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,511 I'm vice girl. 18 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,579 Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, 19 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,115 I got it right here. 20 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,151 Whoa. Whoa. 21 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,852 Cigarettes, alcohol. 22 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,454 Are these firecrackers? 23 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,055 My God, Robin, 24 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,558 you've somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse. 25 00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:58,226 [ Laughs ] 26 00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,461 Be cool, nerds. 27 00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,863 [ Muttering ] 28 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,465 Marshall's mom hasn't eaten, 29 00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:07,668 slept or sat down since we got here. 30 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,970 Wait. That could be my role. 31 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,839 I'll take care of Judy. 32 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,042 Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate y-- the fact that you two aren't very close? 33 00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,877 [ Whispers ] Sweet save. 34 00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:19,380 Okay, yes. Judy and I aren't besties, 35 00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,749 but today, whatever she needs, I'm there. 36 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:22,950 I'm on Judy duty. 37 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:23,884 [ Both Laugh ] 38 00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:24,752 "Judy duty." 39 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:25,886 She said "doody." 40 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,855 Really, guys? At a funeral? 41 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,290 Uh, okay. 42 00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:32,126 While not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum, 43 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:33,961 drug dealer from an '80s after-school special, 44 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,196 we have to laugh today. 45 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,231 It's healthy. Wait a minute. 46 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,601 Today we are gonna make Marshall laugh. 47 00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:41,535 How? 48 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:42,670 Ted, 49 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,472 what's the one thing that always cracks him up? 50 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,073 Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts. 51 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,442 Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts. Exactly! 52 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:51,645 So, we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad-rattler. 53 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,847 You search knees, feet, banisters, 54 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,383 fire hydrants and diving boards. 55 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,218 And I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, 56 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:58,786 golf clubs and riding crops. 57 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,588 What about animals? Ah! 58 00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,122 Claws, paws, talons. 59 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,891 Hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. 60 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,359 We can do this! 61 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,994 Hey, guys. Sorry. Um-- 62 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,463 I left my charger back in New York, so my phone's out of juice. 63 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,299 - Does anyone have a-- - Outlet or USB? 64 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,734 Uh, outlet. Thank you. 65 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,136 Oh. [ Chuckles ] 66 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:19,039 Hey, you really do have everything in there, don't you? Mm-hmm. 67 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,909 You're like Mary Poppins if her magic purse was also filled with drugs. 68 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,311 "If"? 69 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,113 Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting... 70 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,549 and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. 71 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:32,186 "Spoonful of sugar?" [ Scoffs ] Grow up. 72 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,321 [ Lily Groans ] 73 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,257 I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy. 74 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:41,094 Thank you, Reverend. We're so happy that you're going to lead the services today. 75 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,264 Unfortunately, I can't. 76 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:46,434 My daughter in Chicago just went into labor. 77 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,169 But I'm leaving you in the capable hands... 78 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,572 of my second-in-command-- my son. 79 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,774 [ Clears Throat ] Your son? 80 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,277 Oh, you remember Trey. I'll go grab him. 81 00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,380 Guys, 82 00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:02,750 Trey Platt terrorized me growing up. 83 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:05,118 He was-- He was the toughest bully in school. 84 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,288 What's up, Marshall? 85 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,090 Hello, Trey. 86 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:11,692 Long time. 87 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,128 I was not aware that you had become a reverend. 88 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,265 Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. 89 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,199 Kidding. 90 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:23,371 Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh! 91 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,072 [ Exclaims, Clears Throat ] 92 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,874 This video is entitled... 93 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,709 "Little League Coach Gets Hit in the Nuts... 94 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,944 by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits in a Garbage Can." 95 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:33,581 I don't want to give anything away. Let's just watch. 96 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,148 [ Sharp Crack ] [ Man Groans, Vomits ] 97 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,251 [ Together ] Oh! 98 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,786 [ Laughs ] 99 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,422 See, 'cause-- 'cause he got hit-- Right in the nuts. 100 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:43,291 And then the fat kid-- The fat kid just keeps-- 101 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:44,925 runs away. running away. 102 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:46,427 Trey Platt. 103 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,563 I can't believe my father's funeral service... 104 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,966 is being led by Trey "the Noogie Machine" Platt. 105 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:56,337 That guy gave you noogies? What, did he carry a stepladder? 106 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,672 He made me carry it. 107 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,542 So my dad asks these questions... 108 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:05,313 to help create a theme for the service, or... whatever. 109 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,615 Question one. 110 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,783 "What were your last words with the deceased?" 111 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:10,984 [ Scoffs ] Lame. 112 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,687 - Question two. - Wait. 113 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,391 My last words with Marvin were lovely. 114 00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,627 I've been thinking about them a lot. 115 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:23,864 Me too. We went for a hike in the snow and had this amazing talk. 116 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:27,335 My last day with Pop, he taught my son how to skate. 117 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,940 Well, this is clearly yielding nothing. 118 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,375 Thanks, Dad. 119 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:37,345 Guess I'll have to fill the time with some jokes... again! [ Scoffs ] 120 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:42,215 "Last words" seems like a good theme. 121 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,453 Marshall, do you remember the last thing your father said to you? 122 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,922 Bye, sweetie. Bye, Mom. 123 00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:51,559 Son, 124 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:55,295 there's something I want to say before I leave. 125 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,931 Yeah, Dad? 126 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,670 Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight? 127 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,839 I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad. 128 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,975 D'ah! Don't they have food on the plane? 129 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,844 Yeah, but plane food is ass. 130 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,782 "Plane food is ass." 131 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,987 Those are the last words my father will ever say to me. 132 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:23,056 Right after I denied the man a pork chop. Oh, God. 133 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,464 Ooh! Wait! I'm wrong! 134 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:34,201 I'm wrong! That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab. 135 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,370 Hey! Marshall! [ Marshall ] So my dad called up from the street. 136 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,538 Marshall! 137 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,874 Looks like rain out here! 138 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:44,845 I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet. 139 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,648 You know who probably has an umbrella? 140 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:51,084 And then-- Well, see, my dad grew up in a small town... 141 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:54,855 in another generation, so sometimes, totally well-meaningly, 142 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:56,323 he'd say stuff like-- 143 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:59,560 The Koreans across the hall! 144 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:02,830 Yeah, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people. 145 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:06,299 - Dad-- - I bet you one of the Koreans has an umbrella. 146 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,802 I-- Heck, they're Koreans! 147 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:14,608 My dad's last words to me were a string of... 148 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,777 odd racial stereotypes. 149 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,779 All that stuff was really nice. 150 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,181 Yeah, it's positive racism. Mmm. 151 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,917 This is worse than the pork chop. 152 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,187 This next clip is entitled... 153 00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:30,958 "Guy Playing Bagpipes Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-flying Seagull." 154 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,660 Let's see what happens. 155 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:33,927 Let's take a-- ** [ Bagpipes ] 156 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,796 [ Seagull Squawking ] [ Together ] Here-- 157 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,765 [ Together ] Here it comes, and here-- [ Thud ] 158 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,567 Oh! Oh! 159 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,569 ** [ Bagpipes Deflate ] [ Laughing ] 160 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,704 'Cause he gets hit-- Right in the nuts. 161 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:46,306 And then-- The fat kid just-- 162 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,942 His swim trunks fall off. His shorts just fall right off. 163 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,744 No, wait. I'm wrong. 164 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:53,947 That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there. 165 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:59,052 Hey. You were right. The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella. 166 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,855 - Of course they did. - Bye, sweetie. Mwah! 167 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,127 Hey, Son, uh, 168 00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:10,598 I just want to leave you with a little advice. 169 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:16,403 Rent Crocodile Dundee 3. 170 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,139 I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up! 171 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:25,613 Crocodile Dundee 3 is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, so-- 172 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,548 You know, maybe I can live with that. Yeah. 173 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:30,050 [ Phone Beeps ] Oh. Sorry. My phone's charged. 174 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:35,222 I, uh-- I hear you're a woman who can get things. 175 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,325 I have been known to locate certain objects from time to time. 176 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,194 I need vodka and dirty playing cards. 177 00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:43,697 I got you. 178 00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,268 Oh, my God. 179 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,003 What is it? 180 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,974 I have a voice mail from my dad. 181 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:03,617 - You have a voice mail from your dad? - How? 182 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:08,021 My phone's been out of juice, so he must have called me the day that he, uh-- 183 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:13,026 Baby, are you okay? 184 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,062 I hold in my hand... 185 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,865 the last words my father will ever say to me. 186 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,270 I'm gonna hit "play." [ Inhales ] 187 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,707 What's wrong? 188 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,710 What if it's worse than "Crocodile Dundee 3"? 189 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:34,247 I can't do this. I c-- [ Clattering ] 190 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,349 - [ Groans ] - My mom is about to collapse. 191 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,952 I'm gonna take-- No, no, baby. Baby, I got it. Let me. 192 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,790 You know, you should listen to it. 193 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,792 Just don't put too much pressure on it. 194 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,894 She's right. I mean, this idea that... 195 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,429 someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful-- 196 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,098 I mean, who can live up to that? 197 00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:52,299 [ Barney ] Exactly. 198 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,367 All those "famous last words" people supposedly said-- 199 00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:55,969 they're all made-up. 200 00:08:56,036 --> 00:09:00,473 Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history? 201 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,242 My only regret... 202 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:05,779 is I have but one life to lose for my country. 203 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,182 You know what his real last words were? 204 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,885 [ High-pitched Voice ] I'm peeing my pants! 205 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,722 True story. 206 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:17,891 The point is, last words are overrated. 207 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,827 Look, think of it this way. 208 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,963 You get to hear your dad's voice one last time. 209 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:26,066 I should go listen to this... alone. 210 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:27,400 Yeah. Okay? I'll be right back. 211 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:28,636 Okay. 212 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,573 Hey. 213 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,475 So, um, I heard you might have-- 214 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,177 You heard right. 215 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,046 [ Whispers ] I'm getting a reputation. 216 00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,182 So what you need, mama? Come here. 217 00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,721 Guys, listen to what just happened. 218 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:51,558 Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while. 219 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:55,328 You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine! 220 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,530 Admit it! Well, go ahead, Lily! 221 00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:03,637 Why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu-sushi bagels... 222 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,706 and choke on them! 223 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,507 Whoa. Are you okay? 224 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,508 Listen. 225 00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,811 [ Yawns ] 226 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,214 I'm gonna go take a nap. 227 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,317 Judy's finally sleeping, and it's all because of me. 228 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:21,154 Guys, I have a role. I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah! 229 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:25,325 Well-- But this day is tough on you too. You sure you can absorb all that? 230 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:28,161 Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. 231 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:31,564 I don't know what's in it, but things are flowing pretty smooth right now. 232 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,066 Hey. Stay hydrated. 233 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,136 Hey. 234 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,404 So? 235 00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:41,842 I couldn't listen to it. Guys, this is hard. 236 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:44,978 We know, baby, but you'll always wonder if you don't. 237 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:48,615 Your dad loved you. It almost doesn't matter what he said. 238 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,517 It doesn't matter. Guys-- Guys-- 239 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:54,187 What if, God forbid, all of your dads died right now? 240 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,759 What would their last words to you have been? Seriously. 241 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,928 I know mine. 242 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,463 When I was in Cleveland last month, 243 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,766 I went to visit my dad at his... 244 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,702 post-divorce bachelor pad. 245 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:12,272 Been fun bro-in' out with you tonight, T-Dawg. 246 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,874 Yeah. 247 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,509 I'm so glad we can talk about our sex lives now. 248 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:19,512 That's totally an improvement. 249 00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:22,249 I hooked up with a younger woman the other week. 250 00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,684 Donna Bromstead. 251 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,219 My prom date? 252 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,056 How far did you get, T-Dawg? 253 00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,893 I have to go. 254 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:35,562 [ Ted Shudders ] 255 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,899 How would you like those to be your father's last words? 256 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:42,302 Well, they might be. Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop. 257 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,308 Lawyered. 258 00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:50,978 Lily. 259 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,748 [ Phone Rings, Beeps ] Hello? 260 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,784 Lily? It's Dad. 261 00:11:56,850 --> 00:12:00,587 Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years, 262 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:03,123 but-- bright side-- I thought of a great new board game-- 263 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,926 Tax Evasion. Ages six to 10. 264 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,862 Which is ironically what I might be looking at. [ Chuckles ] 265 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:12,099 Anyway, pumpkin, I need $15,000. 266 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,500 Fooled ya! 267 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,804 Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. 268 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,339 [ High-pitched Voice ] Beep. 269 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:22,609 [ Whimpers ] 270 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:23,944 Lawyered. 271 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,747 Robin. 272 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:31,284 And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me, 273 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,822 I pray that this will finally be the year... 274 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,125 that you achieve something of actual significance. 275 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,961 I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you being in a coma. 276 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,298 Anyway, point is, 277 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,834 happy birthday, R.J. 278 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,335 - Ooh. Wow! - God. 279 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:51,604 That's awful. Nope. Here's the awful part. 280 00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,875 You remembered my birthday! 281 00:12:57,845 --> 00:13:00,047 Lawyered. 282 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,850 Now, can we all just admit that last words... 283 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,584 are, in fact, a big deal? 284 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,319 Yes. Yes. 285 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,122 Man. I always thought I had it rough, 286 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,658 not really knowing my dad, but... 287 00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:16,329 now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this. 288 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,632 Our next video is called "German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon... 289 00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,935 While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink." Okay, Barney-- 290 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:25,338 Please, and, Barney, no more videos, okay? I'm just-- 291 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,140 I just need a minute. 292 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:32,479 Okay. Okay, who is responsible for this? 293 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,882 Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? 294 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,250 She is 15 years old! 295 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,319 Whoa! They grow 'em big out here. 296 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,588 And here's your phone number back. 297 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:42,923 [ Chuckles ] 298 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:47,127 - Judy, I-- - I-I did it. 299 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:51,131 What possible excuse could you have for this? 300 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:54,601 I'm from New York. We think getting minors drunk is funny. 301 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,171 There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! 302 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,573 You should be ashamed, Lily! 303 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,909 Ashamed! 304 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,881 Mmm! Oh, boy, it's so tasty. 305 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,516 Mmm! Mmm! 306 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:13,586 That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. 307 00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:16,823 Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts. 308 00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,391 Well, at least someone's helping. 309 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,427 We haven't made Marshall laugh once. 310 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,962 Yeah. 311 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:25,765 Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't gonna do anything. 312 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,567 That was just stupid. Stupid. 313 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,603 What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts. 314 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:33,006 Yes! 315 00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,242 Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater! 316 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,810 But which one of us is gonna take the hit? 317 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,779 Hey, Marshall. Mm. 318 00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,414 Ooh! [ Laughs ] 319 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,883 [ Groaning ] So that's it? No discussion? 320 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,255 I'm not gonna listen. 321 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,390 "Rent Crocodile Dundee 3"... 322 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:54,928 are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and... 323 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:57,064 I think I can live with that. 324 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,567 [ Ted, Groaning ] Is he laughing? 325 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,903 [ Ted Narrating ] And Marshall really did think he could live with that. 326 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:06,706 That is, until later, at the memorial service. 327 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:09,842 My last talk with Marvin... 328 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,379 was so lovely. 329 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:16,083 The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect. 330 00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:18,518 Then he picked my crying son up off the ice, 331 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,287 he gave him a hug and said, 332 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,856 "Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while." 333 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,425 And as we hiked, 334 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,627 a little deer appeared on the path. 335 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,030 She hopped over to Dad and started eating... 336 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,765 right out of his hand. 337 00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,834 And then he kissed me. 338 00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,336 And he said-- 339 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:38,771 "I will always be proud of you." 340 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:41,074 "Life is such a gift." 341 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,876 "You know something, gorgeous? 342 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:47,014 I'm the luckiest man alive." 343 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,982 [ Sniffling ] 344 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,150 [ Voice Breaking ] Lame. 345 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,851 These stories suck. 346 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:55,655 It doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile Dundee thing. 347 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,324 Mm-mmm. 348 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,026 [ Marcus ] He reminded me to slow down. 349 00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,161 You're up next, baby. 350 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,930 [ Marcus Continues, Indistinct ] 351 00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:06,066 I just need some air. 352 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:13,173 Baby, are you okay? 353 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,743 I have to listen to it. 354 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,525 It's a pocket dial. 355 00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:37,064 It's nothing. 356 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,776 Okay, so it's a pocket dial. 357 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:53,113 You know, you have so many great memories with your dad. 358 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,115 Who cares about the last one? 359 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,949 - She's right. - [ Murmuring Agreement ] 360 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,785 You guys don't get it, okay? 361 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,753 None of you do. 362 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:03,756 My dad was my hero. 363 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,627 And he was my teacher. 364 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,496 And he was my best friend. 365 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,134 He always came through for me. 366 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,769 And now he's just gone. 367 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,173 And what am I left with? 368 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,776 [ Distorted Chattering, Static ] 369 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,679 Thanks a lot, God! 370 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:27,847 Thank you. 371 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:30,383 You took my father. 372 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,520 The greatest man that I have ever known. 373 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,723 And you ripped him off this earth way too young. 374 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,591 [ Static Continues ] 375 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,760 And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. 376 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,398 But we got this voice mail. 377 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,503 Thank you so much for the voice mail. It's a great comfort! 378 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,972 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely... 379 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:57,210 or sad or-- or you know what-- or maybe a little bit cheated, 380 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,912 at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me. 381 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,449 Marshall-- How is this fair? 382 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:06,153 You know, like, an entire human life, 383 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,888 and it just ends for no reason. 384 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,790 And-- 385 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,759 And what are we left with? 386 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,927 [ Static Continues ] 387 00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,829 [ Marvin ] Marshall? 388 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,999 Oh! Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. 389 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,269 [ Laughs ] How's my pocket sound? 390 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:25,605 [ Laughs ] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. 391 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:30,009 Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. 392 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:32,179 I love you. 393 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,850 Looks like your dad came through one last time. 394 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,296 "I love you." 395 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,400 My father's last words to me are "I love you." 396 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,136 Ooh. And let me know if you find my foot cream. 397 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,306 That fungus thing is acting up again. 398 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,245 "I love you." 399 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,748 My father's last words to me are "I love you." 400 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,950 - Yes, they were. - We heard it, yeah. 401 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,685 Loud and clear. 402 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,589 Bye, Pop. 403 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:18,791 [ Sniffles ] 404 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,727 [ Ted Narrating ] So Marshall finally got up to speak. 405 00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,729 Funny thing though-- 406 00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,598 And then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: 407 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,937 "Rent Crocodile Dundee 3. 408 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:34,574 I caught it on the cable last night, and it totally holds up." 409 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:35,908 [ Laughing ] 410 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,878 He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself. 411 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,548 [ Marshall Continues, Indistinct ] Thanks. 412 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:42,982 For what? 413 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:45,918 I know what you've been doing today. 414 00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:48,688 And I really needed it. 415 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,357 Anytime. 416 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:55,428 That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. 417 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,731 Sorry, dear. Last one. 418 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:03,169 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 419 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:06,072 Oh, man. 420 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,475 I should have rented Crocodile Dundee 3. 421 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,845 Okay, seriously, how are you doing that? 422 00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:16,816 Thanks. 423 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,919 I'll be right back. 424 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:28,295 And if I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. 425 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,700 I really, really, really love you guys. 426 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,670 And I'm gonna go drop a deuce. 427 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,239 [ All Groan ] Oh, you ruined it! 428 00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:43,009 [ Ted Narrating ] Last words. It's a lot of pressure, kids. 429 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,744 * And what do we know * 430 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:47,714 It gets you thinking. * About what we've learned? * 431 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,583 ** [ Continues, Indistinct ] Hi, Dad. 432 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:52,985 Hi, Dad. 433 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,422 Hi, Dad. 434 00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,057 Hey, Mom. 435 00:20:58,124 --> 00:21:00,026 [ Deep Breath ] 436 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,329 I'm ready to meet my dad. 437 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,731 ** [ Fades ]