1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,337
[ Ted Narrating ]
When Lily and Marshall
started trying to have a baby,

2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:04,938
they went a little crazy.

3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:10,211
We've been trying and trying,
and still nothing's happened.

4
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,713
I'm just worried
we can't have children.

5
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:16,217
- And how long
have you been trying?
- Six days.

6
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,419
Oy.

7
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,989
But then months went by,
and still nothing happened.

8
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:25,559
Something must be wrong.
We're doing it, a lot.

9
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,128
And everywhere--

10
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:29,930
the kitchen, the bathroom,
the living room,

11
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:32,300
outside in your wait--
the kitchen.

12
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,002
Seriously, Doc,
why isn't this happening?

13
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,205
Look, if you're
really worried,

14
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,840
here's a number
for a reproductive
endocrinologist--

15
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,309
Dr. Stangel.

16
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,544
He's the best
in the city.

17
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,647
Dr. John Stangel?
I don't know, baby.
Do we really need a specialist?

18
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:51,152
What's your plan, Marshall?
Just have unprotected sex
day after day after day...

19
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:54,021
in every position
imaginable until--

20
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:57,091
Wait. It sounded worse
in my head.

21
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,860
- Guys, we've got
a problem.
- [ Ted ] Hmm?

22
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,462
This is the application...

23
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:04,732
for the regional doubles laser
tag tournament in Poughkeepsie.

24
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,235
Problem is only one of you
can be my partner.

25
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,337
So it looks like
we've got a bake-off.

26
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,539
You may now present
your arguments.

27
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,407
- I'm not playing laser tag.
- I'm absolutely not
playing laser tag.

28
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,610
- Damn it.
- And Marshall's the winner.

29
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:20,114
Well, I'm gonna
call Dr. Stangel.
It can't hurt.

30
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:22,983
[ Ted Narrating ]
So Aunt Lily went
to see Dr. John Stangel,

31
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,919
the man who knew more
about human reproduction
than anyone in New York City.

32
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,488
[ Door Opens ]

33
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:30,324
So, I understand
you want to get pregnant.

34
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,827
** [ Upbeat Pop ]

35
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,465
** [ Man Vocalizing ]

36
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,438
** [ Ends ]

37
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,609
Yeah, and it cuts--
Ooh!

38
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,444
How did you do it?

39
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:53,247
Oh, God, you found
one of the cameras.

40
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,849
I swear that's the only one.
Which one did you find?

41
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:58,552
- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?

42
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,922
My visit
to a certain Dr. Stangel.

43
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,858
We'll look at all the factors
that contribute to fertility--

44
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,994
dietary, environmental, genetic.

45
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:11,899
But first, Ms. Aldrin,
do you have any questions
for me?

46
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:16,237
Just one, "Dr. Stangel."
Where'd you get the beard?

47
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:20,608
Well, m-m-my mother's Armenian.

48
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,711
Lily, I have been with Barney
since 9:00 a.m.

49
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:26,180
Between the sexual harassment
seminar all morning...

50
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,148
and the secretary beauty pageant
all afternoon,

51
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:30,083
he hasn't left my sight.

52
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,386
Wait. So you weren't
wearing a fake beard...

53
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,355
and examining girl parts
all day?

54
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,590
Not today I wasn't.

55
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,693
Wow. We finally found
Barney's doppelgänger.

56
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,529
I guess we can
tell you now, Lily.

57
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:44,164
The hot dog guy did not
look like Barney.

58
00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,433
Um, Marshall?

59
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,835
Yes, we made our little deal
with the universe, but--

60
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:50,771
No. We made a binding covenant
with the universe.

61
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,606
We said we weren't
gonna try to have kids...

62
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,908
until we saw
Barney's doppelgänger.

63
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,910
Oh, this is bad news.

64
00:02:56,977 --> 00:03:00,514
This is like a black cat
walked through my uterus.

65
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,251
Okay, that's it. I am going
back to Dr. Stangel...

66
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,286
and getting
thoroughly checked out.

67
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,555
Or-- Or cost-saving
alternative,

68
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,724
you could get checked out
by someone who looks
just like him.

69
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,960
I'm gonna go scrub up.
I'll meet you in stall three.

70
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:19,333
- I still kind of
think it's Barney.
- There's no way it's Barney.

71
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,403
Hello. You must be Mr. Eriksen.
I'm Dr. Stangel.

72
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:25,239
It's Barney.
Wow.

73
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:28,008
Really, dude.
Bravo.

74
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:29,843
You almost
got a peek.

75
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,011
But seriously,

76
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:33,847
what second-rate
community theater
did you get--

77
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,649
Would you, uh--

78
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,920
So my wife and I are
trying to get pregnant.

79
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,526
Ms. Aldrin, please just put
your feet on the stirrups.

80
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,127
- We can begin.
- Uh-uh. No.

81
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:49,029
Can't do it.

82
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,732
No, look, baby, I yanked
on his beard. He checks out.

83
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,401
I really don't
have time for this.

84
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,035
No, Barney--
Doctor, wait.
Please.

85
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:57,605
It's-- Can you just
give us a couple
of minutes?

86
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:02,310
Lily, how can
I convince you that
this is not Barney?

87
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:04,978
Wow!

88
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:09,317
It is like looking
into a poorly dressed mirror.

89
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,624
Okay,
you have to go.
Right.

90
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,794
Leave the model
of the vagina.

91
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,032
Okay. Convinced.

92
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,536
Great. All right. You're
a little low on the table.
Please scoot up.

93
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,438
"Suit up."
Not convinced.

94
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,573
This whole thing
stinks to high heaven.

95
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,642
Baby, you just
saw Barney.

96
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:37,345
He could have pulled
some crazy switch.

97
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:40,047
Remember when his
Swedish cousin came to visit?

98
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,015
Oh, yeah. Bjorney.

99
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,584
Yeah. I'm sorry.

100
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,886
But unless I see Barney
at the same time,

101
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:49,022
I-I-I'll never be sure
that Dr. Stangel isn't him.

102
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:54,261
[ Shouting ]
How you doing, Lily?
Should I have a boner?

103
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,863
Okay, we're all done.

104
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,399
I'll call you in a few days
with the results.
[ Sighs ] Yeah.

105
00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,401
You don't mind
if I take pictures, do you?

106
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:03,604
Can we leave him in here
for a while?

107
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,806
I'm done for the day.
You can leave him in here
all night.

108
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:09,377
- [ Shutter Clicks ]
- Aw, yeah!

109
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,912
- [ Shutter Clicks ]
- Smile for the birdie, Lou.

110
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:16,116
Gynomite!

111
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,652
[ Ted Narrating ]
Now, while all this
was going on,

112
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:21,622
your Aunt Robin
was starting her new job
at World Wide News--

113
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,090
a.k.a. the big leagues.

114
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,592
She was excited.

115
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,227
This job was a new start,
a clean slate.

116
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,997
So, first day of work?

117
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,032
[ Blows Raspberry ]

118
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:36,236
Everyone, say hello to your
new research associate,
Robin Scherbatsky.

119
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:37,671
- Hi, guys.
- [ Woman ]
Welcome.

120
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:40,207
Oh, here comes our
new Hardfire host.

121
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,810
Robin, this is
Sandy Rivers.

122
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,077
Sandy Rivers?

123
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,414
[ Ted Narrating ]
Sandy Rivers--
Robin's old cohost...

124
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,181
and my old nemesis.

125
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,350
We should have sex.

126
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:53,487
- Oh, I hate that guy.
- It gets worse.

127
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,889
Sandy, this is--
Robin.

128
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,692
You two know each other.
Know each other?

129
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,561
- We've had sex.
- [ Man ]
Oh!

130
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,530
You had sex
with Sandy Rivers?

131
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,398
No!
[ Groans ]

132
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,366
And I can't believe
it's my first day...

133
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:09,002
and already I'm the girl
who slept with the host
of the show.

134
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,772
Already? Were you planning
on eventually sleeping
with the host?

135
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,207
Well, now that
I know it's Sandy, I'm not.

136
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,776
[ Exhales ]

137
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,547
[ Sighs ]
Hey, babe.

138
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,683
Hi, honey. There's a couple
messages on the machine.

139
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,686
Your dad called.
He wants to know
if you have any sixes.

140
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:28,321
Yeah, we got a game
of Go Fish going
on the phone.

141
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,824
"P.S., Pops. Go fish."
[ Laughs ]

142
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:36,764
Who's the second
message from?
Dr. Stangel's office.

143
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,867
I'm extremely fertile.
You're extremely fertile!

144
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,803
Oh, my God. I told you
there was nothing
to worry about.

145
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,306
I got to call my dad
and tell him
the good news.

146
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:49,743
[ Sports Announcer On Radio ]
The penalty puts the ball
on the 44-yard line.

147
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:58,552
If you're fertile, um,
then that means
I'm the problem.

148
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,659
Okay, now you're
being ridiculous.

149
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,895
An hour ago,
you didn't even think
there was a problem.

150
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:10,998
Well, I was just
putting on a brave face.
Okay, think about it.

151
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:15,636
We've had unprotected sex
203 times in the past
four months.

152
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:18,038
Obviously,
I'm the problem.

153
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,341
Problem? You can't get
a girl pregnant.
That's the dream.

154
00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:25,713
I'd give my firstborn
to not be able
to have children.

155
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,583
So, second day of work?

156
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,385
- [ Blows Raspberry ]
- What's wrong?

157
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,588
Oh, you didn't hear?
She's the office slut.

158
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,624
Already? Oh, honey.

159
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,392
I wish I was the office slut.

160
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:43,864
And we can explore
how those policy changes
will affect Iraq.

161
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,899
Yes.

162
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,703
- We definitely had sex.
- We did not have sex.

163
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,905
- Then why do I remember you?
- I don't know.

164
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:55,242
Maybe because I'm, uh, smart,
talented, professional.

165
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,844
No. None of those.

166
00:07:56,910 --> 00:08:01,281
Oh, I remember.
We didn't have sex.
Thank you.

167
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:04,451
You're the girl
who did the report
on the carriage driver...

168
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,587
and slipped
and fell in horse poop.

169
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,523
We did have sex.
Oh, I remember now.

170
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:13,527
Gregory, do me a favor.

171
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,863
But this reporter
takes pride in-- Whoa!

172
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,365
- [ All Laughing ]
- [ All Laughing ]

173
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,768
And now everyone
calls me Scherpoopie.

174
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,573
- It's not funny.
- Robin, a word of advice--
play along.

175
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:28,008
The more you fight it,
the worse it's gonna get.

176
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,978
It's like when your car
slides on ice.
You steer into the skid.

177
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,714
Exactly. Or when your--
I don't know--

178
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,816
friend invites you
to a laser tag tournament.

179
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,185
You don't fight it.
You just strap on
the vinyl holster...

180
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:42,089
and race into that
abandoned J.C. Penney,
guns a-blazin'.

181
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,291
- I'm just agreeing with Ted.
- [ Cell Phone Rings ]

182
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,194
Oh. It's my dad.

183
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,997
[ Line Ringing ]
[ Sports Announcer
On Radio ]

184
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,432
- [ Beeps ]
- Aren't you gonna get it?

185
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:57,070
Um, no. No. You know what?
Um, I'm gonna get my stuff
checked out first.

186
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,673
I'll call my dad
after Dr. Stangel
gives me the thumbs-up.

187
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,242
Ew! He has to do that?

188
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,812
But I thought you talked
to your dad about everything.

189
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,114
I only like to call my dad
with good news.

190
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,250
Telling him good news
is what makes it
feel real to me.

191
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,019
I'm getting married!

192
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,486
Yeah!

193
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,455
I passed the bar!

194
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,024
All right!

195
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,692
I found an amazing
Viking lamp...

196
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,160
that fits right on
the coffee table...

197
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,029
as long as we don't mind
stepping over the cord.

198
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,665
That's what
I'm talking about!
Right!

199
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,200
I found someone
who can fix the Viking lamp!

200
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:30,237
Yeah!

201
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,907
But the news
that I might not be able
to give him a grandchild?

202
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:37,277
You know,
I don't even know how
to have that conversation.

203
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,879
I'll show you.

204
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,183
Dad, there's a--
There's something
I need to tell you,

205
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:47,154
and it's gonna come
as a bit of a shock
to you, but here goes.

206
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:53,460
You are speaking to the 2011
tri-county laser tag
co-champion.

207
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,863
- Barney, I've already told--
- And my sperm don't work.

208
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:59,366
Yeah. Yeah.
That laser tag thing
is awesome.

209
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:05,372
So, third day of work?

210
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,407
[ Blows Raspberry ]

211
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:10,310
And the fertilizer is seeping
into the groundwater,
causing it--

212
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:13,513
Is Scherpoopie pitching
a story about manure?

213
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,515
[ All Laughing ]

214
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:18,118
- Genius!
- Okay.

215
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:22,522
Yes, I, uh--
I fell into some manure.
It's hilarious. Fine.

216
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:24,758
In a five-year career
of on-air reports,

217
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,094
there are bound to be
a few embarrassing moments.

218
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,996
A few?

219
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:32,833
Uh, but in my case,
uh, it was just the one.

220
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:36,670
And you found it.
So, uh, just the one.

221
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:41,709
- Gregory.
- Oh, God.

222
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:44,077
What did they find?

223
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,846
[ Sighs ]

224
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,049
** [ '80s Pop ]

225
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,951
Everything.

226
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:55,188
* Everybody come and play *

227
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:58,125
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

228
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,026
[ Vomits ]

229
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,194
* Let's go to the mall today *

230
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,363
[ Speaking Japanese ]

231
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,865
[ Fan Whirring ]

232
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,533
The Federal Reserve Board...

233
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,101
voted to leave interest--

234
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,506
"Ahh."

235
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:16,676
* Let's go to the mall
Let's go to the mall *

236
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,416
They even found a video of me
getting attacked by an owl.

237
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:27,220
- You got attacked by an owl?
- I did not get attacked
by an owl.

238
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,656
Robin, listen.
Here's what you need to do.

239
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,059
Don't you dare tell me
to steer into the skid.

240
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,595
It's too late.
I'm already wrapped
around a hydro pole.

241
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,898
It's a Canadian telephone pole.

242
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:40,167
God. I never should've
taken this job.

243
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,035
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, at that moment,

244
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,571
I knew what I had to do
for my friend Robin.

245
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,639
But first,
I had to do something for me.

246
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:51,044
Show me... owl attack.
[ Typing ]

247
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:54,647
I'm freaking out.
Is there a chance
that I can't have kids?

248
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,850
I've been hit
in the nuts a lot.

249
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,552
Well, we won't know anything
until we run some tests.

250
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,488
We'll need a sample
of your sperm.

251
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,690
No, no, no.
There's a room
at the end of the hall.

252
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,659
If you find yourself
inside the elevator,
you've gone too far.

253
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,262
You'd think I wouldn't
have to say that,
but you'd be surprised.

254
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,469
All yours, buddy.

255
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,549
The thing you're
about to do in here--

256
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,684
I did that in here, too,

257
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,154
three minutes ago.

258
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,090
I was here
eight minutes ago.

259
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,927
Fourteen minutes ago.

260
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,496
I'm here every Thursday.

261
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,332
[ Screams ]

262
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,468
I can't do it, Doc.

263
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:51,604
Is there, like, another option?
Can I-- Can I take this home?

264
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:55,675
Sure, you could,
but we close in an hour
and I'm not back till Tuesday.

265
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,311
So... clock is ticking.
Make it fast.

266
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,748
Only way I know how, Doc.

267
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,084
Only way I know how.

268
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,058
[ Together ]
Surprise!

269
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:18,565
Mom, Dad. Uh, what
are you doing here?

270
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,234
We hadn't heard from you
in a couple of days.
We were worried about you.

271
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,403
For God's sake, Son,
do you have any sixes?

272
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,804
Go fish.

273
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:28,175
Excuse me. Lily,
can I just talk to you
in here for a minute?

274
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,843
Oh, yeah.

275
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:32,479
Isn't it great?
They just showed up.

276
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:36,649
Your mom's already
rearranged my kitchen,
organized my closet,

277
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,685
and she asked me
if I lost height.

278
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:40,453
Not weight, height.

279
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,489
Yeah, I'm very excited
that they're here, too,

280
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:45,859
but right now
I have to get excited
about something else.

281
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:48,828
Oh, okay, well,
I'll go handle
your parents,

282
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:51,664
and you handle
your, well--

283
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,134
Wait, wait, wait.
Marshall.

284
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,537
Thank you, baby.
You're the best.

285
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:02,775
[ Judy ]
Marshall! Marshall!
[ Knocking ]

286
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:06,113
I just got
my new bathing suit
for the beach this summer.

287
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,548
It's a two-piece.
I mean, can you imagine?

288
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:12,819
Me in a two-piece
bathing suit at my age?
Just picture it.

289
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,487
Picture it.

290
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,958
That's why Fred Cox
is the greatest kicker
the Vikings ever had.

291
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:21,761
Seriously, Marshall,
picture it.

292
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,363
Just picture it.

293
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,732
Give me a "C"!
Give me an "O"!
Give me an "X"!

294
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:28,535
What's that spell?
Cox! Cox!

295
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:31,438
Cox! Cox!
Cox! Cox!

296
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,974
Uh--

297
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,509
Okay, I did a bad thing
last night.

298
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,546
- I looked up his address.
- Who?

299
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,514
[ Laughing ]

300
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,250
Sorry. You said "who?"

301
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,885
It reminded me
of the owl footage. Genius.

302
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:49,122
No. Sandy--
how dare he laugh at you?

303
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:51,959
Who does he--
[ Laughs ]
Sorry. "Who."

304
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,161
Anyway,

305
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,163
I looked up his address
on your contact list.

306
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,098
Oh, God. Tell me
you didn't go over there.

307
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:02,402
I just thought he needed
to listen to common sense
and reasonable discourse.

308
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:04,871
Oh, God. Tell me
those aren't the names
of your fists.

309
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:07,640
They're my feet.
I'm actually more of a kicker.

310
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,111
So... I went to his apartment.

311
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,814
[ Sharp Exhalations ]

312
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,383
[ Groans ]

313
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,058
You're not the pizza guy.

314
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,462
[ Shutter Clicks ]

315
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:30,930
Oh, my God. This is--

316
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,800
This is how you make sure
Sandy never makes fun
of you again.

317
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,569
I told you
to steer into the skid.
That was bad advice.

318
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:40,373
So, new advice--
steer into Sandy
and run him down.

319
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,376
Boy, if people found out
Sandy wears a toupee--

320
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:47,414
Really? That's your takeaway?
Nothing on the bear in the bra?

321
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,518
Oh, no.
He's very open about that.
That's Gregory. Nice guy.

322
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,721
And the top is so low cut...

323
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:59,059
your father says
he has front-row seats
to the Minnesota Twins.

324
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:03,196
Oh-Oh, by the way,
Marshall, we do need to know...

325
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,432
if you're coming
to Florida this summer.

326
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,367
Are you coming?

327
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,370
Marshall?
Marshall, are you coming?

328
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,441
This isn't working.

329
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,477
- Where you going, Son?
- I'm going to--

330
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,513
I'm going to--

331
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,315
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, to this day,

332
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,984
your Uncle Marshall is thankful
for what Lily said next.

333
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,254
- He's going to masturbate.
- Lily!

334
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,456
Marshall, just tell them
what's going on.

335
00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:33,260
And so Marshall told
his parents everything.

336
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:37,464
And so now I'm just scared
that we won't be able
to give you a grandchild.

337
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,599
Aw, Marshall.

338
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,235
Hey, we don't care
about that one bit.

339
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:46,306
And if you guys want kids,
there are other ways.

340
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:47,740
Adoption.

341
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,111
Maybe you have a good friend
who could loan you some sperm.

342
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,914
Aw, yeah!

343
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:56,616
[ Sharp Exhalations ]

344
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,251
Maybe adoption.

345
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,321
What I'm saying is...

346
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:03,656
we love you
no matter what.

347
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,428
Now, why don't you pretend
you're in high school,

348
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:12,432
get back in that bathroom
and "blow-dry" your hair.

349
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,404
Wait. You knew?
We didn't have
a hair dryer, dear.

350
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,143
So, possibly
last day of work?

351
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,878
Actually,
it was a good day.

352
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:31,118
And I need more numbers
on how the holiday season
impacted the economy.

353
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:33,686
Sparkles,
got anything on malls?

354
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,055
[ All Laughing ]

355
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:39,126
Actually, Sandy,
I have something...

356
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:42,129
I think you're
all gonna want to see.

357
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,731
Yes! Put him in a body bag!

358
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,899
[ Exhaling, Karate Yells ]

359
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,601
- Okay, I didn't do it.
- What?

360
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:52,071
I didn't wanna viciously
attack someone out of
the blue like some kind of--

361
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,274
- Owl?
- Exactly.

362
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:57,810
So instead
of taking your advice,
I took your advice.

363
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:05,285
[ Ted Narrating ]
That day, Robin decided
to steer into the skid.

364
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,787
And though she never
quite shook the nickname,

365
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:11,224
Sparkles went on to do
very well at World Wide News--

366
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,260
especially after this happened.

367
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,563
[ All Laughing ]

368
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,333
After his parents
had gone back to Minnesota,

369
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,435
Marshall got the results
of his test.

370
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:25,272
I'm afraid I have some
very bad news, Marshall.

371
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,675
Judging from the results
of your test,

372
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:33,146
it is-- it is very unlikely
that you'll be able
to father a child.

373
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:36,783
Oh, God.
I know. I know.

374
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,218
It's just--

375
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:41,488
Now, in some rare cases,

376
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,856
a regimen change
can fix the problem.

377
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:47,960
So I'm recommending
a spirited cardio routine,

378
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:50,062
preferably with a partner,

379
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:54,301
involving any light-based
firearm activity
in the tri-state area.

380
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:57,470
Poughkeepsie,
for example.

381
00:18:57,537 --> 00:19:00,840
Have you heard
of the gentleman sport
known as laser tag?

382
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:05,212
Surprise!
Damn it, Barney.

383
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,180
What are you
doing in here?

384
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,983
Think about it, Marshall.
All entrants get 20% off
at the snack bar.

385
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,886
Oh, B-T-Dubs,
the receptionist--
what's her situation?

386
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,488
Go!

387
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,893
Well, Marshall,
I've got your results.

388
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,162
And?

389
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:25,998
Your sperm is fine.

390
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,934
My sperm is fine!

391
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,136
[ All Whooping, Cheering ]

392
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,439
Count, motility--

393
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,674
everything's
off the charts.

394
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,611
You, sir, have got
some strong swimmers.

395
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:42,515
Bro, that is awesome.
Motility five.

396
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,917
Pow!

397
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:48,588
Hey, can I borrow your phone?
I wanna call my dad.
Yeah. Go ahead.

398
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,191
Man, this is great.

399
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:55,595
I-I was expecting bad news.
I really was.

400
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,236
[ Ringing ]

401
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,405
[ Ringing Continues ]

402
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:15,248
You're here. Oh, my God.
I love you so much.
Can you believe it?

403
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,450
Marshall.
[ Sniffles ]

404
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,288
Something's
happened. Um--

405
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:24,291
Your father,
he had a heart attack.

406
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,528
He didn't make it.

407
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,668
My dad's dead?

408
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:57,490
I'm not ready for this.

409
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,595
[ Crying ]