1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:03,571 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, in the winter of 2010, 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,639 we had a new addition to our little group-- Zoey. 3 00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:09,043 Zoey! Zoey was married to the Captain. 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,445 Boys. Great to see you. 5 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,615 Looking smart. Have a wonderful time tonight, okay? 6 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,717 Okay. 7 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,320 That man is terrifying. 8 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,589 Everything he said was nice, but I'm profoundly scared. 9 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,258 Keep smiling. He can still see us. Okay. Bye. 10 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,227 There was just something about him. 11 00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:28,762 We couldn't put our finger on it until-- 12 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,231 I figured it out! 13 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,501 I know what's so creepy about the Captain. 14 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,336 Okay. 15 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:37,705 [ All Scream ] Yeah. 16 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,341 I snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off Zoey. 17 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:41,475 Observe. 18 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,611 The bottom half of his face... 19 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,214 is smiling. 20 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,749 Look, he seems happy. Seems like a nice guy. 21 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,951 But the top half of his face... 22 00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:52,786 - [ All Yell ] - wants to murder you. 23 00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:54,922 Cheerful. 24 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,557 - [ All Yell ] - Wants to murder you. 25 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,058 No, cheerful. 26 00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,627 - [ All Yell ] - Wants to murder you! 27 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,595 Now hold on. Let me ask him a question. 28 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,132 Captain, what do you think of ice cream? 29 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,534 - Oh, he loves it. - [ Lily ] Ahhh. 30 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,636 - Captain, what do you think of rainy days? - [ Lily ] Aaah. 31 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,638 Oh, he hates 'em. 32 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:12,906 Captain, quick question. 33 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:16,210 - How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers? - Ooh! 34 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,782 - W-What is that? - I don't get it. 35 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,718 He hates that he loves them. 36 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,886 [ All ] Ohh! 37 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,422 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 38 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,792 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 39 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,799 ** [ Ends ] 40 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,168 Great. Okay. 41 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,303 Hey, guys. Zoey just told me about... 42 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,037 this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective tonight. 43 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,174 - Who's in? - Sorry. 44 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,576 I'm, uh-- I-I don't know, washing my hair. 45 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,478 - Running the water. - Holding the towel. 46 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,480 And I'll be home trying to get over the fact... 47 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,682 that no one invited me to the big hair-washing party. 48 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:57,084 All right. Fine. Guess it'll just be me and Zoey. 49 00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,687 Oh, wait. Just the two of you? 50 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,689 Tread lightly, Mosby. 51 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,957 Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman, 52 00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:06,227 there are rules that must be followed. 53 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,561 Rule number one-- 54 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,263 Don't use the husband's condoms. 55 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,664 That's just rude. 56 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,401 - [ Marshall Laughs ] - Rule number one: 57 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,270 Don't go anywhere that has candles. 58 00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,705 Excuse me, Captain. 59 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:20,107 How do you feel about Ted and Zoey... 60 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,976 having an intimate chat by candlelight? 61 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,247 [ All Yell ] It'll be the last dinner they ever have. 62 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,716 Rule number two: 63 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,351 No sharing food. 64 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:33,187 In fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. 65 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,456 Toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick. 66 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,591 If I can't share her lipstick, there's no point in even going. 67 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,228 And the most important rule of all-- 68 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:42,763 Lubricant is public property. 69 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,131 Please. 70 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:47,268 No lying to the spouse about anything you do. 71 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,803 Why would anyone lie? Zoey and I are just friends. 72 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,005 If there was anything more, I wouldn't hang out with her. 73 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,807 Lily's right, Ted. 74 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,743 Once you're married, it's very hard to be friends... 75 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,845 with a single person of the opposite sex. 76 00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,079 Unless you're old friends, 77 00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,282 which is why I can hang out with Marshall whenever I want. 78 00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,584 - Right, Marsh Madness? - No doubt, RoboCop. 79 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,085 Poof! 80 00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,420 You two never hang out alone. 81 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,356 You just made up those nicknames right now. 82 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,157 I guess it's true. 83 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,925 You and I never really hang out alone. 84 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:12,960 Well, let's. 85 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,528 Let's have dinner together, just the two of us. 86 00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,096 Oh! Sweet. 87 00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:17,631 No candles. 88 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,700 Okay, no candles. No candles. 89 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,002 Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Wanna hang? 90 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,104 [ Ted Narrating ] And then Lily said something to Barney... 91 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,173 that insulted every fiber of his being. 92 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,609 - Nah. - [ Gasps ] 93 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:32,413 Wait. No. It had to be more than just "nah." Oh, I think she said-- 94 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:36,650 You're a big, stupid octopus head! 95 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:37,551 [ Gasps ] 96 00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,320 No, that doesn't make sense. 97 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,722 Okay, hang on. What did she say? 98 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:46,760 She said, um, uh-- 99 00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:49,430 Uh, to be honest, kids, I'm having a little trouble... 100 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,632 remembering exactly what their fight was about. 101 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:54,101 Hey, it was 20 years ago. I'll remember. 102 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,903 Anyway, the next night-- 103 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,905 Well, Lily, you were right. 104 00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:01,309 Something weird happened with Zoey last night. 105 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:04,578 ** [ Cell Phone Rings: "Anchors Aweigh" ] Oh, that's the Captain. 106 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,780 Yes, I call my husband the Captain. 107 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,683 But that is the only concession I make to his seafaring ways. 108 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,485 Hang on. 109 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,220 Ahoy. 110 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,389 I'm just out with friends. 111 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:19,192 Friends. Plural. Like there was more than one of me. 112 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,362 Ew! [ Shudders ] 113 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:23,196 She lied to her husband? Uh-oh. 114 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,898 So what did you do? 115 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:28,569 Zoey, um, did you just say you were out with friends? 116 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,971 Yeah. The Captain's on his way home from Milan. 117 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:34,308 He can get a little jealous sometimes, so I didn't want to make him worry. 118 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:38,111 Is that okay? It's totally okay. 119 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:40,548 - It's not okay! - I really didn't think it was okay! 120 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:43,651 "Pur-lease." You lie to your husband all the time. 121 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:47,020 "Uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you. I love your mom. 122 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:50,090 I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it." 123 00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,059 Sound familiar, Pinocchio? 124 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,561 [ Scoffs ] 125 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,929 What's wrong with this shirt? 126 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,733 Lily, ruling. Do I have to stop hanging out with Zoey? 127 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,871 No. You just need to spend time with her and the Captain together. 128 00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:07,107 If you're friends with the both of them, then there's not a problem. 129 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,843 Actually, I do have a standing invitation from the Captain... 130 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,945 to go for a ride with them on his boat. 131 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:16,316 Great. So go make nice with Captain Creepy and problem solved. 132 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,087 [ Ted Narrating ] The next night, Marshall and Robin went to dinner, 133 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,655 just the two of them. 134 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,825 Now, historically they had three solid conversation topics: 135 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,259 cold weather... 136 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,896 December chill. So great. 137 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,431 Totally. 138 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,735 sports... 139 00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:38,606 Did you catch the game last night? 140 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:41,509 Yeah. Nail-biter. 141 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,746 and cold-weather sports. 142 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,849 You know what's fun is cold-weather sports. 143 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,984 They are fun. 144 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:54,588 They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds. 145 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,857 [ Thinking ] Man, this is awkward. 146 00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:59,259 [ Thinking ] She's giving me nothing. 147 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:01,429 He's just staring at me. 148 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,964 She's just staring at me. 149 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,533 It's making me nervous. 150 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,101 Great. Now my left eye is twitching. 151 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:11,004 Marshall, it's cool. She doesn't see it. 152 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:14,041 What the hell's going on with his eye? 153 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,644 Am I supposed to not talk about that? 154 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,647 Great, now my right eye's doing it. 155 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,651 Can I get you two some drinks? 156 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,119 Lots of drinks! Oh, so many drinks! 157 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,922 [ Ted Narrating ] That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting... 158 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,724 about, um, something. 159 00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,726 Or was it that other thing? 160 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,662 Barney. Save it, Lily! 161 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,531 I am still mad at you for... something. 162 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,467 And for that other thing. 163 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:42,603 Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. 164 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:45,506 But let's be honest. You've been supersensitive lately. 165 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,575 [ Whimpering ] No, I haven't. 166 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,143 God, how can you say that? 167 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,245 [ Crying ] Watch out! 168 00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,147 Wait. They were on the street. 169 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,683 Watch out! 170 00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:00,353 Wow. Thanks, Lily. 171 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,624 You saved me. You saved us. 172 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,895 Look, I know you didn't mean... 173 00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:10,731 whatever it was you said that made me so mad. 174 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,133 I think I probably didn't. 175 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,337 [ Ted Narrating ] And just like that, the fight was over. 176 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,406 You know kids, friendship is funny someti-- 177 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:20,874 Wait! 178 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,877 I still can't resist getting one last shot in. 179 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,178 [ Gasps ] 180 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:28,549 Like I said, the fight was just getting started. 181 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,328 Hi, Captain. 182 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,030 The Captain. 183 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,297 Captain. 184 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:46,734 Ahoy, Ted. Excellent to see you. 185 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,836 You too. Uh, where's Zoey? 186 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,972 Well, I'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. 187 00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:56,777 Looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters. 188 00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,446 Or we could stay on dry land, 189 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,615 hang out with some witnesses. 190 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,617 [ Chuckles ] You're a hoot. 191 00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:07,888 I've been looking forward to this... 192 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,860 for a very long time. 193 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,797 Well, anchors aweigh. 194 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,966 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, here's one thing I do remember-- 195 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,202 I was pretty sure I was going to die that night. 196 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,243 Mmm. Mmm. 197 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,348 You know, I had this really boring poetry class in college. 198 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:39,186 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You were just thinkin' that this dinner is really boring. 199 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,489 That's what made you think of your boring class in college. 200 00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,357 What? What? No, no, no, no, no. 201 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:49,062 Marshall, no. No, I-- I just saw that board of specials. 202 00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:53,033 And I thought, God, you know what sucks? Being bored. 203 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,035 Which I am not. 204 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:59,339 So that clears that... right up. 205 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:00,774 Robin, I'm an attorney. 206 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,376 [ Sighs ] Fine. This night's a little awkward. 207 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:06,213 I guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together. 208 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,983 Why is that? It's because of the mermaid theory. 209 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:13,120 [ Marshall ] Two years ago, I had just hired a new assistant at GNB. 210 00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,155 Thanks, Iris. 211 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,860 So, who's the eye broccoli? 212 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,295 Hey, that's Iris, my new assistant. 213 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,464 And, yes, she's a little plain. 214 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,234 But I'm married, so that's good. 215 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:31,872 Mark my words, Marshall. Someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive... 216 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,975 you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs. 217 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,882 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 218 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,285 Marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be? 219 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,654 I'm sorry. Myth? 220 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,356 It was 300 years ago. 221 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:53,994 Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate for female companionship. 222 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:58,866 It got so bad that eventually the manatees out in the water... 223 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:03,336 started to look like beautiful women. 224 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,105 Mermaids. 225 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,778 Let's go get some tail. 226 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,484 You see, every woman, 227 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:20,353 no matter how initially repugnant, 228 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,022 has a mermaid clock-- 229 00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:25,492 the time it takes for you to realize you want to bone her. 230 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,928 Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee. 231 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,298 But she ain't gonna stay that way. 232 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,902 Marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right... 233 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,204 - now. - [ Clock Ticking ] 234 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:40,640 [ Marshall ] And it took one year, three months and 16 days. 235 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:43,143 But eventually-- [ Ticking Continues ] 236 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,277 [ Bell Dings ] 237 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,054 [ Gasps ] 238 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,489 Told ya. The mermaid theory. 239 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:59,159 It's a thing. You owe me 500 bucks. 240 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:02,796 - Did we bet on this? - Let's say yes. 241 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,398 And that's why we never hang out alone? Yes. 242 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,835 As Lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet... 243 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,970 who's allowed to turn into a mermaid. 244 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,806 Wait. Does that mean that I'm a manatee right now? 245 00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,610 Big-time manatee. 246 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,046 Whoa! 247 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,181 What were those sailors thinking? 248 00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,050 [ Scoffs ] 249 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,752 I don't know. 250 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:28,421 Being out at sea can do crazy things to a man. 251 00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,391 Vast, the sea. 252 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,226 Deep. 253 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,695 Endless. 254 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:39,066 No one around for miles. 255 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:43,370 You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. 256 00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:46,606 Listen to this. 257 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,876 [ Screams ] Help! 258 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,744 Somebody help me! 259 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,313 I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! 260 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,882 Help! 261 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,919 See? Nothing. 262 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,889 [ Laughing ] 263 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,191 [ Laughing Uneasily ] 264 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,426 [ Thinking ] He's gonna kill me. 265 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:09,329 Okay, calm down, Teddy. He's not jealous. 266 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,765 He hasn't even mentioned Zoey. 267 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:15,803 So, Ted, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey. 268 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,940 [ Thinking: Screaming ] 269 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:27,981 Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat all my onion rings? 270 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:30,683 No surprise there. 271 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,319 What's that supposed to mean? 272 00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,755 Are you calling me fat? 273 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,925 If there is one thing you never do, 274 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:40,794 it is call a woman fat right to her face. 275 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,130 [ Ted Narrating ] Wait. Barney's not a woman. 276 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:46,466 That's right. Barney wasn't hurt by Lily. 277 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,302 Lily was hurt by Barney. 278 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,571 - Wanna hang? - Nah. 279 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:53,273 - [ Gasps ] - Watch out! 280 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:54,975 [ Screams ] 281 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,446 Whoa. Thanks, Barney. 282 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,982 You saved me. 283 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,884 You saved us. 284 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,253 If there's one thing you never do, 285 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:10,123 it's call a woman fat right to her face! 286 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,558 [ Ted Narrating ] Okay, now I'm on track. 287 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,560 The rest of this story should make perfect sense. 288 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,164 Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. Hey, you wanna see a magic trick? 289 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,835 ** [ Theremin ] 290 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,738 You're a jerk. [ Ted Narrating ] Okay, that makes no sense. 291 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,108 Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. 292 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,277 I will never remember this story. 293 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,279 I'm sorry for wasting your time. 294 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,915 Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection. 295 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,417 I'm just gonna make a quick call. 296 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:40,420 Hey, silly question. What are our exact nautical coordinates? 297 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,255 How now? 298 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,091 Oh, bother. 299 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,627 Well, 300 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,596 she's a goner. 301 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:56,904 By now, the icy tide has already dropped its core temperature to near freezing. 302 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,706 And down it goes. 303 00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:04,544 Now it's at 50 meters-- complete, crushing blackness. 304 00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,347 100 meters. 305 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:11,551 The pressure is so intense, the keys are popping right out of its head. 306 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:14,054 Head? 200 meters. 307 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:17,757 No one will ever find its mangled remains, 308 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:20,227 save for the crustacea... 309 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,196 that feed off its lifeless husk. 310 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,899 Can you hear me now? 311 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:30,370 No, because you're on the bottom of the sea. 312 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,274 Well, I got a big morning, so-- 313 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,643 Dry cleaners, bank. Ted, it's time. 314 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,211 [ Whimpers ] 315 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:40,347 I have something for you. 316 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:41,648 Wait here. 317 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,887 [ Thinking ] Okay, you gotta swim for it, Mosby. 318 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,991 Man versus sea. You can do this. 319 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,726 You didn't get a "Good Effort" ribbon from the Shaker Heights J.C.C. Swim Camp... 320 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,795 because you don't have what it takes. 321 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,197 Found it. 322 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,733 Zoey told me you're a scotch drinker. 323 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,936 I bought this special for tonight. 324 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:07,007 [ Ted Narrating ] And just as I started to realize that maybe I wasn't in danger after all, 325 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:09,242 we hit a bump. 326 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,946 Ted? 327 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:18,551 Okay, okay, so you're afraid... 328 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:22,622 that if you spend too much time alone with me, I'll turn into a mermaid? 329 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:25,825 Yes. I mean, sure, right now you're bald and leathery... 330 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,594 and covered in a thick layer of blubber. 331 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,262 Am I blushing, or-- 332 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,665 But at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you... 333 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,502 into a foxy fish-babe, 334 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:38,405 singing "Part of Your World" to my pants. 335 00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:42,109 Well, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me? 336 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,144 I asked Barney the same thing. 337 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:51,718 Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way a woman can go back to being unattractive again. 338 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,686 But it's pretty gruesome. 339 00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,155 Death? 340 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:57,757 Worse. Pregnancy. 341 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,559 If a baby's on board that train, 342 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,562 it is headed straight back to Manatee City... 343 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,732 where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty. 344 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,600 Pregnancy? Mm-hmm. 345 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:11,504 Once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. 346 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,840 Never thought I'd say that sentence. 347 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,909 [ Ted Narrating ] Wait! That's it! That's what Barney and Lily were fighting about! 348 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,745 The mermaid theory. 349 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,781 But their argument didn't happen at the same time as all this other stuff. 350 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:24,151 I'm literally in the wrong year. 351 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,687 It happened much, much later, when Lily was pregnant. 352 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:30,657 Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me. You wanna hang? 353 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,992 - Nah. - [ Gasps ] 354 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:36,196 Whenever we're alone, you spend the whole time undressing me with your eyes. 355 00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,331 You even take off my shoes. 356 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,468 High heels chafe my shoulders. 357 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,336 But you don't have to worry about that anymore. 358 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,772 Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big, fat manatee. 359 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,474 [ Gasps ] 360 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:52,412 Well, you're a big, stupid octopus face! 361 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,382 [ Ted Narrating ] That was it. I remember now. 362 00:16:56,316 --> 00:17:00,253 Wow. Thanks, Barney. You saved me. 363 00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:04,791 You saved us. 364 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,094 If there's one thing you never do, 365 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,762 it's call a woman fat right to her face! 366 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,864 I'm sorry, Lily. 367 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,301 Hey, you wanna see a magic trick? 368 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,340 You're a jerk. [ Laughing ] 369 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:26,479 Hey, hey, wait. Come on. I was ki-- Wait, wait, wait. 370 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,615 There is another addendum to the mermaid theory. 371 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,650 A pregnant woman who's become a manatee... 372 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,720 can become a mermaid again through one simple act. 373 00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,822 What's that? Breast-feeding. 374 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,857 - Hot. - Really? 375 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,659 Really. 376 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:43,396 When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I. 377 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,898 That's so sweet. 378 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,402 [ Sobbing ] [ Ted Narrating ] See, kids? Told ya I'd get it. 379 00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:54,107 Okay, now we're even. 380 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,943 [ Ted Narrating ] Yeah, that's the ending to a whole other story. 381 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,745 We'll get there. 382 00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,913 So you really thought I was gonna kill you? 383 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,750 Well, "ish." 384 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,652 Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. 385 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:08,655 If I wanted to kill you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. 386 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:10,257 It's far more remote, 387 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:15,262 and I wouldn't have to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net. 388 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,030 See, it's stuff like that. Why do you talk that way? 389 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,866 Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. 390 00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:25,238 See, sometimes I don't bond as well... 391 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,540 with Zoey's younger friends. 392 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,709 But I know she really likes you. 393 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,680 I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies. 394 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:36,749 We can. 395 00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,618 We can be buddies. 396 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:41,254 Just not on a boat. Fair enough. 397 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:43,723 The hunting lodge it is. 398 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,493 [ Giggling ] Whoa! 399 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:51,164 You know, once we stopped trying to have a conversation and just focused on the drinking, 400 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,699 I had fun. 401 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:53,900 Yeah, me too. 402 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,902 [ Ted Narrating ] And then a terrible thing happened. 403 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,770 [ Clock Ticking ] Marshall's beer goggles kicked in, 404 00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,739 and his very drunk mind started to see-- 405 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,712 No. No! 406 00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,947 No! No! No! 407 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,383 Don't turn! 408 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:14,053 [ Groaning ] Oh, I don't feel so good. 409 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:17,924 [ Vomiting, Coughing ] 410 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,360 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 411 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,829 I am s-- I am so sorry. 412 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,165 [ Groans ] You must think I'm totally disgusting. 413 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,268 I really do. 414 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,006 And from that moment on, Marshall never worried... 415 00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,509 about Robin becoming a mermaid again. 416 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,379 And the two of them were closer than ever. 417 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,981 Hey, Ted. Hey. 418 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:45,352 You feelin' better? I have a confession to make. 419 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,087 I wasn't really sick. 420 00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:49,856 You weren't? I'm sorry. 421 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,960 I was just feeling guilty that I lied to the Captain, and-- 422 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:58,698 I don't know. I just thought it would be good if you two spent some time together. 423 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,132 I get it. 424 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,602 And you were right. He's a nice guy. 425 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:04,771 I mean, he can be a little scary. 426 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:08,007 Yeah. He gets a little murdery when he's nervous. 427 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,609 Yeah. He's a creepy dude. 428 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,479 But I like him. 429 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,814 You know, I just-- I just wanna make sure... 430 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,950 you and I hanging out doesn't, you know, cross any lines. 431 00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:19,386 Me too. 432 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:20,820 I mean, if either one of us... 433 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,323 had even the slightest hint of feelings for the other, 434 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,157 w-we shouldn't hang out. 435 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:28,828 You don't, do you? No. Do you? 436 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,597 No. 437 00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:34,267 [ Clock Ticking ] 438 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,009 Still no sign of land. 439 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:47,480 It's been 243 days since we've seen another living soul. 440 00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,826 What are you lookin' at? 441 00:21:04,063 --> 00:21:06,265 Dude, we need to find land.