1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,404 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, in the fall of 2010, 2 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:07,308 it seemed like Aunt Lily could only talk about one thing-- babies. 3 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:10,044 Oh, God. I have been craving this burger all day. 4 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:13,681 Do you know what plays a huge role in helping a woman conceive? 5 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,183 Mmm. Cervical mucus. 6 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,451 [ Gags ] Oh, God. 7 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,054 Oh, my God. I can't wait to see this movie. I hear it's really scary. 8 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,789 Oh, change of plans. 9 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,925 I thought violent images wouldn't be good for my future fetus, 10 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:29,163 so instead, I rented this video of a live water birth. 11 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,732 - [ Liquid Splashing ] - [ Screaming ] 12 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:35,636 They don't know what it is. It just showed up on my mom's X-ray. 13 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,471 Look at this crib. 14 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,640 [ Ted Narrating ] But all and all, it wasn't a problem. 15 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:42,476 That is, until the night of Barney's boutonniere. 16 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,645 [ Marshall ] Oh, you're wearing a flower. Thank you. 17 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:47,481 - I didn't compliment. Just observed. - I know, isn't it? 18 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,151 - Why are you wearing that? - Why does Barney do anything ever? 19 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,120 Exactly! Science! 20 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,122 There is an 83% correlation... 21 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:57,858 between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. 22 00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:02,430 Think about it-- proms, weddings, grandmas' funerals. 23 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,665 Thanks for the redhead, Nana. [ Kisses ] 24 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:08,602 The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson. 25 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,572 And nope. I'm sorry, Barney, but no girl is going home... 26 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,741 with a guy with a flower on his chest... 27 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,344 unless he's a clown and she's in the trunk of his car. 28 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,413 Along with 50 other clowns. [ Laughing ] 29 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,651 It's a clown car. 30 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:28,856 Robin, did you know that "boutonniere" is French for "booty is near"? 31 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,891 Hmm. True story. 32 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,294 Une histoire vraie. Hmm. 33 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:37,431 Did you know that "Barney" is French for "sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid"? 34 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:39,533 - [ Lily Chuckles ] - Woman, you best check yourself. 35 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,470 Yeah, on the bright side, I guess suits are pretty boring without them. 36 00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:46,340 [ Gasps ] Madam, that is an insult that cannot be borne! 37 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,642 I demand satisfaction! 38 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,444 What, are we gonna duel? 39 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:53,247 No, I'm gonna show everyone this embarrassing video of you. 40 00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:56,284 It's Robin Sparkles 3, y'all. 41 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,186 [ All Screaming ] 42 00:01:58,252 --> 00:02:00,721 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 43 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,292 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 44 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,031 ** [ Ends ] 45 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,501 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, by this point we knew Aunt Robin... 46 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:17,004 had been a teen pop sensation in Canada known as Robin Sparkles. 47 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,839 And we also knew that her Robin Sparkles character... 48 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:22,643 came from a Canadian TV show which we'd never seen-- 49 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,212 until now. 50 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,180 I cannot wait to see what's on this DVD! 51 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,349 - You haven't watched it yet? - No, of course not. 52 00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:30,951 I wanted my first time to be with someone I cared about. 53 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:33,487 [ Lily ] That's so sweet. I get that a lot. Well, once. 54 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,757 Hey, Robin, do you wanna go get a Korean massage on Saturday? 55 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:40,027 I'd love to. I've got this knot in my neck that's so annoying. 56 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,562 Yeah, I figured I should get one now... 57 00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:44,164 because once I get pregnant, no more massages. 58 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:47,134 - Just so annoying. - Okay. 59 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:50,604 ** [ Pop ] 60 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,640 Space Teens? 61 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,275 Is this a porno? 62 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:57,110 No, dude! Dude! It's a kid show. [ Gasps ] 63 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,879 Oh. 64 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,749 Yeah, yeah! 65 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,517 [ Barney Whistles ] 66 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,455 I don't know. This does have all the earmarks of porn. 67 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,189 Stripper pole. Bad lighting. 68 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,759 Delusional girl who thinks it's a stepping stone to mainstream success. 69 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,362 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big ol' bowl of porn flakes. 70 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:25,306 Whoa! And who is this exquisite keytarist... 71 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,140 I assume you're about to make sweet love to? 72 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,809 Oh, that's Jessica Glitter. 73 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,111 She was my B.F.F. on the show and in real life. 74 00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,946 Ah, B.F.F.'s. 75 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,849 Did you guys have sleepovers, get mad at each other and wrestle, 76 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:38,218 but then end up kissing in a tender embrace? 77 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,753 Here, show us on Lily. You know what? 78 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,889 If you're gonna be disgusting, we're not watching this, okay? 79 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:46,159 Yeah, come on, Barney. It's just a cute little story about-- 80 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,128 What exactly is this about? 81 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:52,165 Two average Canadian teenagers who solve crimes in space using math. 82 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,602 - That sounds ridiculous. - So sue me-- 83 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,237 like the producers of Milky Way Mathletes tried to. 84 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,373 ** [ Electronic Pop ] 85 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:06,314 [ Both Giggling ] 86 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:10,751 Great job using long division to catch that space burglar, eh? 87 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:15,789 What can I say? He'll be in galactic jail for the remainder of his life. 88 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,858 [ Both Giggling ] 89 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,527 [ Electronic Voice ] Sparkles, Glitter. 90 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,429 We're about to enter an asteroid belt, eh? 91 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:24,231 [ Gasps ] Brace for turbulence! 92 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:26,634 Ooh. Ooh. 93 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,938 I have to say, as much as I hate to agree with Barney, 94 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,807 this does seem to be a veritable pornucopia. 95 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,109 Okay, guys, come on! It's a kid show. 96 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:39,313 Like, uh, Electric Company or Sesame Street or, um-- 97 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,281 - You can't do that on television. - Exactly. 98 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:44,718 No. You can't do that on television. 99 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,692 Robin, this show is so dirty, 100 00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:54,495 I don't know whether to hug you or run a shower for you... 101 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:57,030 so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees. 102 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,500 It's just bad camera work, okay? 103 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,735 Wayne, our camera guy-- he wasn't that great. 104 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,771 I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, 105 00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:07,341 considering he was probably only using one hand. 106 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,443 You know what? I feel bad for you Americans-- 107 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:13,213 that you can look at this wondrous and educational adventure through space... 108 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,015 and see something obscene. 109 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:19,286 Can you just please try to look at this with the innocence of a child? 110 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:22,356 Innocence of a child. Got it. Here we go. 111 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,993 Girls, if you wanna get through the asteroid belt, 112 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,195 you've got to use multiplication. 113 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,097 To the joystick! 114 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,035 Okay, Space Teens, let's multiply. 115 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,304 Five times six? Ooh, 30. 116 00:05:37,371 --> 00:05:39,440 Yes! Seven times four? 117 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,609 [ Glitter ] Twenty-eight! [ Man ] Keep going. 118 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,777 - Eight times nine? - Seventy-two! 119 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,246 Don't stop now! Almost there. 120 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:49,483 Twenty-three times three? 121 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,284 - [ All ] Hey! - What are you doing? 122 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,286 I'm sorry. We gotta ration this. 123 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,824 It's like we're on a desert island and this video is a really hot, naked chick, 124 00:05:56,890 --> 00:06:00,461 and she's got, like, seaweed on her and a seashell bra. 125 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,329 You all feel me. 126 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:06,299 Hey, if you and Jessica are B.F.F.'s, how come we've never met her? 127 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,301 Okay, well, it was a long time ago, okay? 128 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,572 I get a Christmas card from her every year, but we're not really friends anymore. 129 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,941 But B.F.F.'s are forever. 130 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,877 Oh, come on, Lily. Nobody stays friends with their high school friends. 131 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:20,280 - I'm still friends with Punchy. - Dude, he lives in Cleveland. 132 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:23,951 You see him once a year, at which point he punches you really hard in the arm... 133 00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:26,186 and tells everyone how you dookied your pants. 134 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:29,557 I know on paper he sounds great, but you guys aren't really friends. 135 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:32,993 Look, I may not see him a lot, but it doesn't matter. 136 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,829 [ Beeping ] Observe. 137 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,732 [ Cell Phone Rings ] Schmosby! 138 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,033 - Punchy! - Schmosby! 139 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,301 - Punchy! - [ High Voice ] Schmosby! 140 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,603 - Punchy! - Schmosby! 141 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,672 - Punchy! - Hey, good talkin' to you, Ted. 142 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,107 - Yeah, you too. If you're ever in New York. - Definitely. 143 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,311 We are just two peas. 144 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:55,082 I don't get it. How can you and Glitter just stop being friends? 145 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,818 - Best friends don't do that. - Well, we did, okay? 146 00:06:57,885 --> 00:07:00,788 And I haven't talked to her in, like, five years, so just drop it. 147 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,723 I gotta go. 148 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,561 [ Door Closes ] Whoa. 149 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,531 What do you think came between Robin and Jessica? 150 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:13,066 Much like our friends, the Space Teens, 151 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:16,904 I think I can solve this crime with math. 152 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:23,276 Okay. Okay, here is a Christmas card that Jessica sent Robin. 153 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:26,179 - Lily, how old would you say that kid is? - Four years, three months. 154 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,882 Which means Jessica got pregnant five years ago, 155 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,184 right around the time she and Robin stopped being friends. 156 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,353 Of course. Robin hates kids. 157 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,289 The last thing she would wanna do is hang out with some little brat. 158 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:39,760 Thus, if I may-- [ Clears Throat ] 159 00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,896 When Glitter's womb a fruit did bear, 160 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:46,934 Robin said, "To hell with this, I'm outta h-hare." 161 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:52,339 - Glitter got pregnant, so Robin dumped her. - Oh! 162 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,908 Wow. That's gotta be it. Right, Lil? 163 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,613 - Lil? - Robin's gonna dump me. 164 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,749 Oh, sweetheart. [ Crying ] 165 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,952 Aha! When a second uterus plumped becomes-- 166 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:07,354 Dude. 167 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,089 Feel the room. 168 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,092 [ Murmurs ] 169 00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,901 - No. - We've been waiting all day. 170 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,536 Just watch it without me. 171 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:25,505 Two dudes on the couch together watching porn? That's kinda weird. 172 00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:27,307 Okay, it's not porn. It's a kid show. 173 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:30,243 - Two dudes watchin' a kid show might be worse. - [ Barney Laughs ] 174 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:33,013 - [ Sighs ] Okay, fine. I'll watch it with you. - Yah! 175 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,850 But if either of you makes even one peep about this show being dirty, I'm turning it off. 176 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,952 I'm serious! We-- [ Imitates Beep ] 177 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,591 Hey, Jessica. How's your beaver? 178 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,027 Great. How's your beaver? 179 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,630 Busy as ever. 180 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,498 [ Ted, Barney Stifling Laughs ] 181 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,366 Our characters had pet beavers. [ Giggles ] 182 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:56,937 Sure. The beaver is the official animal of Canada. 183 00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:59,139 [ Giggling ] It's their national mascot. 184 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,910 It's a noble creature. 185 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,612 Okay, girls. 186 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:08,215 Everyone knows a beaver's favorite food is wood. 187 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:12,352 I just hope we brought along enough of it for a three-day galactic space journey. 188 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,287 So let's do the math. 189 00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:18,959 If Robin's beaver devours six inches of wood every half hour, 190 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:22,796 and Jessica's beaver devours eight inches of wood every 45 minutes, 191 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:27,835 how much wood will I need to keep both of these beavers well fed all weekend long? 192 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,770 [ Ted, Barney Laughing ] 193 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,605 [ Robin Sparkles ] While you figure it out at home, 194 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:34,608 how about we sing you a song about our beavers? 195 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,277 [ Giggling ] Hey-- 196 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:40,614 - [ Both ] Hey! - You do not get to hear the beaver song! 197 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:44,317 It is a sweet song about friendship, and you guys are being disgusting! 198 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:47,387 - And beavers are adorable! - No arguments here. 199 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,189 [ Knocking ] 200 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:55,095 'Sup, Schmosby! What's the man doin'? 201 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,930 Punchy, what are ya doin' here? 202 00:09:56,997 --> 00:10:00,367 Well, yesterday you said if I was ever in New York. 203 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,703 'Sup, turds? Ew. 204 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,005 Okay. Um, uh, where you stayin'? 205 00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:08,075 In your mom's pants. Trick! She's old. 206 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,678 Hey, don't worry about me. I'm cool on the couch. 207 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,014 - He's staying here? You're staying here? - I know. It's so good, right? 208 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,449 Feels like you're dreaming? But check your totem, brah. 209 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,653 Punchy's here in the flesh. So why don't we get one of these, Ted? Yeah. 210 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,354 Remember these? High school. 211 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,857 Junior high. Elementary school. Remember those? 212 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,559 - Look, Punchy's here. - Yeah. 213 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:30,130 Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied in your pants down by the lake? 214 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,965 Unbelievable! 215 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,870 [ Mimicking Punchy ] Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied on the couch... 216 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,172 in the form of your idiot high school friend? 217 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,640 [ Cackling ] 218 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:43,410 Unbelievable! 219 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,478 Come on. I worry about the guy. 220 00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:48,548 He's had the same dead-end job at a car rental place for 15 years. 221 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:51,384 - Don't care. - He's been stuck in Cleveland his whole life. 222 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:54,187 - Get a hotel. - Robin. 223 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:57,257 - LeBron. - [ Sighs ] Okay. One night. 224 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,060 Gotta go. 225 00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:02,195 Hey. Where are you goin'? We just got here. 226 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,564 Oh, uh, Korean massage. By yourself? 227 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:08,268 Well, I figured you'd be busy reading What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect. 228 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:14,574 Guys, did you see that? She's going to a Korean massage without me. 229 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,509 That's our thing. 230 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:20,147 I'm telling you, she's gonna dump me just like she dumped Glitter. 231 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,515 Lily, come on. We don't even know that's what happened. 232 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:26,019 Um, hello. Somebody already solved that crime using math, remember? 233 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:30,557 Look, Lily, Robin is clearly getting tired of you constantly talking about babies. 234 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,092 - I don't-- - [ Others Groan ] 235 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:35,028 - Lily, how old am I? - 384 months. 236 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,296 Busted! 237 00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:40,600 Okay. So, before you Lily all over the place, 238 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:44,237 maybe you should try hanging out with Robin and not talking about babies. 239 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,006 [ Ted Narrating ] So, Lily did just that. 240 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,408 She tried not to talk about babies. Hey! 241 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:52,145 Lily, what brings you to the crib? The crib. 242 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:55,215 What's the matter? You look rattled. Rattled? 243 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:58,018 - [ Grunts ] I wanna talk about babies. - What? 244 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,587 Look, I know you don't care about this stuff, 245 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,322 but I'm about to become a mother. 246 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,992 And as a future mother, I'm gonna need the support-- 247 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,727 Oh, my God! You're not even pregnant yet! 248 00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:09,329 What's that supposed to mean? 249 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,065 It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself... 250 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,901 to the lining of your uterine wall. 251 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,236 You see? I read your Facebook updates. 252 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:19,706 It's like-- It's all you ever talk about, Lily, and I'm sick of it! 253 00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,875 Well, guess what? I've got some good news. 254 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,811 When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. 255 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:27,680 In fact, you don't have to see me. This whole friendship thing-- done. 256 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,949 - Great. - Great. 257 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,959 For crying out loud, you broke up with Robin? 258 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:43,563 I had to. We were growing apart, and we're better off without each other. 259 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,799 Okay, Lily, you sound about as convincing as you did... 260 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:49,102 the time you accidentally shredded my Joey Buttafuoco pants. 261 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:53,073 No! 262 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:56,209 Get on the phone, call Robin and fix this. 263 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,913 I can't. The damage is done. [ Whimpering, Gasping ] 264 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,682 Can you just hold me? You know what? No. 265 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:05,953 I don't agree with what you did, and so I refuse to comfort you... 266 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,721 despite how adorable you are when you cry. 267 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,557 Okay. 268 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:14,227 [ Weeping ] Okay, maybe just one cuddle, but then that's it. 269 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,831 Time Square's da bomb! 270 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,367 I got so many great pictures of all the billboards. 271 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,569 Yeah, you know, there's more to New York than Times Square. 272 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,405 There's the Village, Lower East Side, Central Park. 273 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,641 They got better billboards than the ones in Times Square? 274 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:31,278 No. Times Square's da bomb! 275 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,313 Here, you know what? Hold this, okay? 276 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:36,016 I'm gonna go pee in the jar I got goin' in the alley. 277 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:42,422 [ Scoffs ] Seriously, dude, he has got to go. 278 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,357 You need to be, like-- 279 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,393 [ British Accent ] "You are the weakest link. Good-bye." 280 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,930 Punchy, the tribe has spoken. 281 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:52,099 Please pack up your knives and go. 282 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,701 Your work of art didn't work for us. 283 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,303 [ Gruff Voice ] Your time's up. 284 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,505 I have to ask you to leave the mansion. 285 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,507 You must leave the château. 286 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,175 Your tour ends here. 287 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,945 You've been chopped. Okay. Yeah, I know. 288 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,513 You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. 289 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:10,350 Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. 290 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,986 Give me a jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen! 291 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,922 I'm sorry. You did not get a rose. 292 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,890 You have been eliminated from the race. 293 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:20,193 You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. 294 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:21,962 You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen. 295 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:25,398 Ted, come look at this. 296 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,235 I found a little wounded bird in the alley. 297 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,739 - That's your scrotum. - [ Laughing ] 298 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:36,643 You know it is, Ted. You know it is. Come on, Ted. You always fall for that! 299 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,647 Yeah, he's gotta go. 300 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,818 [ Crowd Cheering ] ** [ Organ On P.A. ] 301 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,787 What are we doing in Madison Square Garden? 302 00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:51,791 You refused to talk to Robin, so I thought that you might like to talk to... 303 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,593 the organist for the New York Rangers. 304 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:56,563 ** [ Organ ] 305 00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,265 Jessica Glitter? 306 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,508 ** [ Organ: "Here We Go" ] 307 00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,983 How did you find Glitter? 308 00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,051 Simple, really. I used my powers of deduction. 309 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:21,888 You see, I knew that Glitter used to be a keytarist, which is basically a piano, 310 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:26,093 so I just made a list of all the keyboard-based occupations, and then I cross matched-- 311 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,629 His friend Barney looked me up, hoping to buy my Space Teens costume. 312 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:33,133 And, Glitter, be cool. 313 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,402 So, is this the one who's best friends with Robin now? 314 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:40,307 No, more like ex-best friends. Just like you. 315 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,575 ** [ "Chicken Dance" ] Sorry to hear that. 316 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,277 I miss Robin. 317 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,715 Yeah, well, Marshall and I are about to get pregnant, 318 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:53,320 and I know she stopped being friends with you when you had a baby, so-- 319 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,522 Oh, Robin didn't stop being friends with me. 320 00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,791 - I stopped being friends with her. - What? Why? 321 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,760 Because I had a baby. 322 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:04,031 Honey, when you have a baby, all that best friend stuff-- 323 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,699 hockey, bow hunting for caribou, math-- 324 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,768 that all goes out the window. ** [ Continues ] 325 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,804 I mean, I tried to stay friends with her, but it just didn't happen. 326 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:13,673 She took it pretty hard. 327 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,942 I even thought she might try to kill herself. 328 00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:18,511 ** [ "Charge" ] 329 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,347 [ All ] Charge! 330 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:23,516 Wow, you dumped her just because you had a baby? 331 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:27,954 That's cold. Didn't you do the same thing, minus the baby? 332 00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:30,723 Oh, God. I gotta go. 333 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,625 I gotta go apologize to Robin. 334 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:36,296 I-I need to tell her I love her and that she'll always be a priority. 335 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,099 Be careful, Lily. I made those promises too. 336 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:42,835 And now I haven't even talked to her in five years. 337 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:48,108 Sure, I thought about picking up the phone and calling her a hundred times, 338 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,343 but I just never have the courage to act-- 339 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,213 ** [ "Chopsticks" ] 340 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,115 Hey! 341 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,518 Go ahead. 342 00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,054 ** [ One Note ] 343 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,560 Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck and Lil' John out here? 344 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:10,397 - Punchy, it's time to go back. - Back to Times Square? 345 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,366 Uh, no. Back-- Back to Cleveland. 346 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,735 I don't know if I can do that, bro. 347 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,938 I mean, yeah, I been jonesin' for a piece of Cleveland-style pizza, 348 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:21,274 but I feel bad about leaving you out here. 349 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:24,977 I worry about you, Ted. [ Chuckles ] You worry about me? 350 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,580 Yeah. The other day when you called-- 351 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,082 - [ Screeching ] Schmosby! - Punchy! 352 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:31,451 - Good talkin' to you. - You too. If you're ever in New York. 353 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,453 Definitely. 354 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,122 [ Exhales ] 355 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:39,126 Sweetie, who was that? It's my friend Ted. 356 00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:42,829 He sounded kind of depressed. Is this the Ted who got left at the altar? 357 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:46,599 Yeah. He's not doin' so good. 358 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:51,037 Poor guy lives in a tiny apartment in New York nowhere near Times Square. 359 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,473 He's got no family around. He's still single. 360 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:56,443 Doesn't have a backyard. It's just a bummer. 361 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:59,078 Maybe you should go visit him, cheer him up a little. 362 00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:02,382 You know, buy him some shots, do the whole wounded bird trick. 363 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:05,518 You think that will work? Worked on me. 364 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,591 Wow. She sounds pretty great, Punchy. 365 00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,461 She's my angel. 366 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:17,297 In fact, uh, we're getting married. 367 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:20,300 Wow! Wow! That's-- 368 00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,068 I'm-- I'm really happy for you. 369 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,870 Thanks, Ted. Thanks. 370 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,706 Actually, that's the other reason why I came out here. 371 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,842 I wanted to see if you'd be my best man. 372 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,546 Of course I will. Yo! 373 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,815 That's great. Oh, no, you're-- 374 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:39,519 Cop out! Sucker! Oh, that's it! I'm not-- Yeah. 375 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:42,855 [ Ted Narrating ] That night, Lily went to the one place she knew she could find Robin-- 376 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,658 New York's premiere Canadian bar, the Hoser Hut. 377 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:49,296 Oh, there you are. Robin, I owe you a huge apology. 378 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,331 No, no. Me first. 379 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,566 I've been pulling away from you, and I'm sorry. 380 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,369 It's just, the last time my best friend had a baby-- 381 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:58,371 I know. I know all about it. 382 00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,708 It's not gonna happen with you and me. 383 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:05,044 And I'm sorry I've been going crazy with this baby stuff. 384 00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:07,146 It's-- I know you hate babies. 385 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:10,550 Whoa. Look, I hate most babies. 386 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,153 But your baby-- I'm gonna love that kid so much. 387 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,589 I'm gonna pick it up and everything. Oh! 388 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:21,861 Ohh. I'm so happy you guys made up. Me too. 389 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:25,064 ** [ Pop ] Where do I know this song from? 390 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,335 Oh, my God. It's the beaver song. Okay, which one of you put this on? 391 00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,238 * Hey, beaver, come on * 392 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:36,075 * When you feel alone * 393 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:39,746 * Just pick up that phone * 394 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:44,050 * And I'll be there to share my * 395 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:47,454 [ Together ] * Ice-cream cone * 396 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,123 * We'll lick it side by side * 397 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:55,061 Wow, this is so dirty. Come on, Barney. It's a sweet song about friendship. 398 00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,596 Yeah. Dude, come on. 399 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,599 * Before the day is done * 400 00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,268 [ Laughing ] 401 00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,737 * Two beavers are better than one * 402 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:08,775 [ Crowd Joins In ] * Da-da, da-da-da-da Da-da-da * 403 00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:12,111 * Two beavers are better than one * 404 00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,980 * They're twice the fun * 405 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,649 - * Ask anyone * - Whoo-hoo! 406 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,186 * A second beaver can be * 407 00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,689 * Second to none * 408 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,958 * Two beavers are better than one * 409 00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,093 Whoo! [ Cheering ] 410 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:29,228 * Da-da, da-da-da * 411 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:32,265 * You're my favorite beaver * 412 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:37,870 * Two beavers are better than one * 413 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:41,841 * Da-da, da-da-da-da Da-da-da * 414 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:45,345 * Two beavers are better than one * 415 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,447 * They're twice the fun * 416 00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,949 * Ask anyone * 417 00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:53,185 * A second beaver can be * 418 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,822 * Second to none * 419 00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:59,025 [ Electronic Voice ] * Two beavers are better than one ** 420 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,627 Whoo!