1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,171 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, one morning in 2010, 2 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:07,141 I open the newspaper only to discover an op-ed written by Zoey Pierson. 3 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,509 [ Crowd Shouting ] You remember Zoey. 4 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:11,045 Key Ted Mosby's car. 5 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:14,982 In those four column inches, she railed against me and my company, GNB, 6 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,519 for wanting to tear down a beautiful old building called the Arcadian. 7 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,688 And as if that wasn't bad enough, 8 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,356 the piece ran on a Saturday, 9 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,958 which, as you both know, is Dad's crossword day. 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,994 She ruined crossword day! 11 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,829 I can't believe this. 12 00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,598 She singles me out by name. 13 00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:33,834 Calls me a fat cat-- me and my "fat cat friends." 14 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,803 - We're not fat cats. - Exactly. 15 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,272 [ Posh Accent ] I say, Marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie? 16 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:42,009 Impeccable, old bean. To industry! Oh, bully! 17 00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:45,646 Okay, maybe that night we weren't the skinniest of felines. 18 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:49,650 You see, every year, the Natural History Museum holds its Autumn Spectacular. 19 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,819 It's attended by some of the most powerful... 20 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,421 and important people in New York-- 21 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,924 and, thanks to Goliath National Bank, us. 22 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,627 Look at us. Huh? In tuxedos. 23 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,396 Can you imagine if our college selves saw us like this? 24 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,532 They'd pelt us with their Phish bootlegs. 25 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:07,968 [ Chuckles ] Yeah, we were pretty antiestablishment back then. 26 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,603 Mmm. Oh, God. Remember Russell? 27 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,405 Oh. 28 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,875 Nice monkey suit, Russell. Yeah. 29 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,277 Come on, guys. What was-- 30 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,179 Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you... 31 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,847 with that corporate noose around your neck. 32 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,651 And don't even try showin' up to the drum circle this weekend. Yeah. 33 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,423 Hey, you guys seen Russell? I'm supposed to drive him to his mom's funeral. 34 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,494 I wish I knew you guys back then. 35 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,729 You know why? Because you can't kick a story in the nuts. 36 00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:38,232 [ Both Laugh ] Hey, we're still those people. 37 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,301 One of these days, Marshall is gonna quit his job, 38 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:43,036 go to work for the N.R.D.C. and save the world. 39 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,839 Right, baby? Absotively. 40 00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:48,776 Well, let's just remember, I mean, nobody's the same as they were in college. 41 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,445 You know, it's, like, "Oh, I wear a suit to work every day." 42 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:55,082 Well, yeah, but you wear it ironically, like Ted's fanny pack. 43 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:57,485 Next time we go to Great Adventure, 44 00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,721 you're carrying your own sunblock. 45 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,656 ** [ Piano: Jazz ] 46 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,159 ** [ Continues ] [ Chattering ] 47 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,728 Ooh, I love this exhibit. 48 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:10,764 One time when I was a kid, this room was closed for cleaning, 49 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,533 so I snuck under the rope. 50 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,402 Ooh. Wow, that's pretty cool. 51 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,837 When I was a kid, I knocked down the blue whale. 52 00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:18,972 The giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling? 53 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,409 I was six. My Uncle Jerry brought me here for the day. 54 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,178 He said, "Don't touch anything"-- to a kid. 55 00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,013 That's like someone telling us, 56 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:29,317 don't look at that girl's perky and impossibly symmetrical knockers. 57 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,885 Ooh. Not bad. 58 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:35,589 So, naturally, I snapped the rib off a triceratops-- 59 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,858 blahbity-blahbity blue-- I knocked down the whale. 60 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,194 I'm surprised security didn't stop me on the way in. 61 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,729 I'm sure they don't remember. 62 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,597 I mean, it's been, like, 30 years... 63 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,833 since that completely made-up story didn't happen. 64 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,501 It happened. 65 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,203 And these people don't forget. 66 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,305 This is not the "Natural Stuff That Happened... 67 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,774 No More Than Five Minutes Ago Museum." Huh? 68 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,244 Marshall, Barney, there you are. 69 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:59,680 I want you to meet an old friend of mine from Exeter-- George van Smoot. 70 00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,783 But you can and should call me the Captain. 71 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,685 [ Together ] The Captain? 72 00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:07,321 Back in school, we met during a production of Guys and Dolls. 73 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:13,727 Uh, the Captain was Nathan Detroit to my... assistant stage manager. 74 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,730 Marshall and Barney here are the future of Goliath National Bank. 75 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,266 Well, ahoy. 76 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,601 Ahoy. Ahoy, the Captain. 77 00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,403 The Captain pretty much paid for this entire shindig. 78 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,638 Please, enjoy yourselves. Have fun. 79 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,440 But don't touch anything. Thank you, the Captain. 80 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,476 Challenge accepted. 81 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,248 Wow, the future of Goliath National Bank. 82 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:36,517 I know. It's so, uh-- 83 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,185 You know, I totally forgot to tell you, 84 00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:42,222 but, um, the other day Arthur offered me a five-year contract. 85 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:44,992 Well, don't turn him down here in public. 86 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,928 [ Chuckles ] I broke up with Scooter at the prom. 87 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,264 Right before the picture too. 88 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,133 [ Sobbing ] [ Shutter Clicks ] 89 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,169 So whatever you do, don't tell him here tonight, 'cause-- 90 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,606 I think I'm gonna say yes. 91 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,312 Ahh! That's the stuff. 92 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,880 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 93 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,451 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 94 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,325 ** [ Ends ] 95 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,560 I didn't realize you were small potatoes. 96 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:22,563 And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles. 97 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,905 - Impressive. - Mmm. 98 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,274 Try this on for size. 99 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,711 [ Jangling ] 100 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,818 You wanna dance? 101 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,588 Let's dance. 102 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,924 I live for the dance. 103 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,861 Get... 104 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,295 your other hand... 105 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:56,930 off my ass. 106 00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,899 Sorry. Sorry. 107 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,736 [ Lily ] What do you mean you're gonna say yes? 108 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,374 I want to keep working at GNB. But I thought that you-- 109 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,242 Guys, guys, guys. Architecture fun fact-- 110 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,645 If you stand right here and you whisper, 111 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,981 a person all the way across the other end of the room... 112 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,849 hears it like you're standing right next to them. 113 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,685 It's one of the most sophisticated pieces... 114 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,620 of acoustical design in the world. 115 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:20,488 Watch. 116 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,489 [ Whispering ] Diarrhea. 117 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,491 [ Voice Echoing ] Diarrhea. 118 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,259 Right? Right? 119 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,496 But a five-year contract. 120 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,464 I thought you hated GNB. 121 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:33,033 Look, I don't hate all of it. Tonight's fun. 122 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,103 Just take a look around. This is pretty high-class. 123 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,337 Poo-poo. 124 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,072 [ Echoing ] Poo-poo. 125 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,641 Poo-poo platter. 126 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,676 [ Echoing ] Poo-poo platter. 127 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,078 Zoey? 128 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,980 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 129 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:55,055 Well, well, well. 130 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,757 You have got to be kidding me. 131 00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,492 So, what are we protesting tonight? 132 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,894 Rising cost of jet fuel? 133 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,631 The government's oppressive top hat-and-monocle tax? 134 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,433 And what are you doing here? 135 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,668 Oh, right. Beautiful old building. 136 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:10,070 You're here to knock it down. [ Chuckles ] 137 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,973 Can I finish my drink first? Darling, there you are. 138 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:13,907 Hi. Hi. 139 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:17,010 [ Giggles ] Ted, this is my husband. 140 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,580 Yeah, old stuff's great. 141 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,486 I can't-- 142 00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:28,789 Mmm. [ Sighs ] 143 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,624 Mmm! 144 00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,059 Ah, this scotch is good. How's your drink? 145 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,162 This is ridiculous. 146 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,632 We are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection... 147 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,367 of natural artifacts in the Western Hemisphere, 148 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,035 and look at what we're doing. 149 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,138 You're right. 150 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:48,442 [ Sighs ] 151 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,144 Wanna go touch a bunch of stuff? Yeah, I do. 152 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,462 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 153 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,331 So, Captain, how'd you get that name anyway? 154 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,833 Gave it to myself. 155 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,935 A real man chooses his own name. 156 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,937 Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. 157 00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,707 I'm Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. 158 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,942 This is Ted. Capital. 159 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,478 Honey, I may cut out early. I'd like to go check up on the boat. 160 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,979 The boat? 161 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,981 There's a bo-- You must tell me about this boat, Captain. 162 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,084 Well, she's an 85-foot sloop. She? 163 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:34,888 Do you like boats? Does the sea call to you like it calls to me? 164 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,759 Yes! The sea is all, like, "Ted, come hang out." 165 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:42,563 I like Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. 166 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,164 You're coming on the boat sometime. 167 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,733 Stepping off. 168 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:50,771 Man, I wish me and my dad were as close as you guys are. 169 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,773 Oh, you want to make this personal? 170 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,241 'Kay. 171 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,977 Destroy Ted Mosby. 172 00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,478 Now it's personal. 173 00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,113 No, if I wanted to make it personal, 174 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,616 I'd call you a bored little trophy wife... 175 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,184 who likes to play activist... 176 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,319 when the shops on Fifth Avenue are closed. 177 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:10,023 You're goin' down. Down where? To the yacht club? 178 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,925 Oh, I would love to. 179 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,493 W-Wait. 180 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,996 I'm half Jewish. Will that be a problem? 181 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,666 So what about becoming an environmental lawyer? 182 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,801 What about saving the world? 183 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:21,769 Wieners. 184 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,336 That was a great dream, 185 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,773 but we have a mortgage and we're tryin' to have kids. 186 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,507 We're grown-ups now, Lily. 187 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,142 [ Ted's Voice Echoing ] Wieners and gonads. 188 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,179 What would "college you" say if he heard what you were saying right now? 189 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,381 Honestly, probably something pretentious... 190 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,950 and pseudo-intellectual like-- [ Echoing ] Boogers. 191 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,987 We all change, Lily. 192 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,656 You know, you don't spell "women" with a "Y" anymore. 193 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,925 And I'm okay with that. 194 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,894 And you need to be okay with the fact... 195 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,162 that I may never become an environmental lawyer. 196 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,864 [ Sighs ] 197 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,233 So, how long have you felt this way? 198 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,868 Honestly? 199 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,572 Since my first day at GNB. 200 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,575 [ Ted Echoing ] Hershey squirts. 201 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:08,716 Hey. 202 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:11,151 How do you like my date's tux? 203 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:13,520 Oh! Uh, thank you. 204 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,355 Oh, none for him. 205 00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:19,159 He's stuffed. [ Laughs ] 206 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,761 Stuffed. 207 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,264 Oh! Zoey. There you are. 208 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,835 Oh, my God. You have a monocle. 209 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,570 Is this real? Is this really happening? 210 00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,372 Excuse us for a moment. Let's go for a walk. 211 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,141 Good luck killing James Bond. 212 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,780 Are we allowed in here? What do you want from me? 213 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,382 I want my crossword day back. Okay? 214 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:45,185 Go live your perfect little life and leave me the hell alone. 215 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,921 My life isn't perfect. Oh, please. What's your biggest problem? 216 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,723 Having to sail back to the marina... 217 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,692 'cause the Captain's all out of white zin? 218 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,629 Oh, great. Now you're crying. 219 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,798 Like that's gonna get my sympathy. 220 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,968 [ Ted Narrating ] It did. 221 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,871 You've known about this for two and a half years? 222 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,073 So, every time you've talked about wanting... 223 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:09,276 to be an environmental lawyer since then, that was a lie? 224 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,712 Technically, I never lied. 225 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,782 You asked me questions, 226 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:18,485 and I responded with made-up words. What? 227 00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:21,521 So you'll probably quit GNB in a couple of years, right? 228 00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,523 Affirmatootly. 229 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,125 And become an environmental lawyer? 230 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,559 Yepskerdoodles. 231 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,528 Hey, by the way, do you like this scarf? 232 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:32,532 Posititochetochmecochapopocha. 233 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:33,867 Lawyered. 234 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,136 Okay, that's also a made-up word. 235 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:39,139 Okay, look, Lily, what do you want from me? 236 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,910 I want you to be the person I fell in love with. 237 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,723 Aah! 238 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,225 - Nailed it! - Excuse me. 239 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,929 Thank God you're here. 240 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,297 She's been messing with the exhibits. 241 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,035 [ Crying ] I got married when I was 22... 242 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:11,271 to a man who calls himself the Captain. 243 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,273 He seems like a good guy. 244 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,177 He-- He wears those red pants. 245 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,446 I hate boats, Ted. 246 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,981 I do. I hate 'em. 247 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,016 I can't be on them. I can't be near them. 248 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:27,320 I can't even think about them without getting seasick. 249 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,591 You wanna know why I want to save that building? 250 00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,494 Because when I look up at the Arcadian, 251 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,731 I see something big and solid. 252 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:41,802 And right now, everything else in my life just feels like I'm on a boat. 253 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,306 I know it's crazy to care that much about a building. 254 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,109 It's not crazy at all. I'm the same way. 255 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,912 Look, Zoey, 256 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,014 the Arcadian should be a landmark. 257 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,816 It should. 258 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,251 The lion head stonework is iconic. 259 00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,421 I hate that we have to tear it down. 260 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,223 I hate working for GNB. 261 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:06,359 They're a bunch of... wieners and gonads. 262 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,764 Ted, that was-- [ Sniffles ] 263 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,599 really easy. [ Chuckles ] 264 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,167 What? 265 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:20,273 [ Ted's Voice ] They're a bunch of... wieners and gonads. 266 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,709 This should be useful. 267 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:26,246 [ Ted Narrating ] In that moment another headline appeared before my eyes. 268 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,787 You tricked me. 269 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,722 Well, it's the bug room, Ted. 270 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,791 Your ass just got bugged. 271 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,329 Oh, the offer still stands. 272 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:45,132 We simply must have you out on the boat sometime. 273 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,209 Well, aren't you two clever? 274 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,179 Guess what. This museum has seen every kind of prank you can think of-- 275 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,282 mummies playing poker, penguins stickin' out of volcanoes, 276 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,117 dinosaurs from the Cretaceous period... 277 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,753 hanging out with dinosaurs from the Jurassic period. 278 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,755 One time, a kid knocked down the blue whale. 279 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,824 You name it-- Wait, wait. I'm sorry. 280 00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:12,325 Did you say someone knocked down the blue whale? 281 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,761 Oh, no. Not just someone. A six-year-old. 282 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,763 - Oh yeah, that story is legen-- - [ Cell Phone Rings ] 283 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,398 Hold on. [ Beeps ] 284 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,833 ...dary. 285 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:24,337 And, um, would you happen to know what that young man's name was? 286 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,739 - No. - [ Chuckles ] 287 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,110 But I could, uh, check the files. 288 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,082 Thank you. 289 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,450 Now, Arthur, your turn. 290 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,186 I just sang three songs. 291 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,855 Now, you, you do your part from Guys and Dolls. 292 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,527 "Take your seats, everyone. 293 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:50,530 Uh, the show's about to start." 294 00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,399 Douche. 295 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,439 So, I hear my wife got you pretty good. 296 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:04,511 She caught me on tape trashing GNB. 297 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,546 Aw. That damn recorder. 298 00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,315 Try being married to that. 299 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:12,986 "But you said you'd get the Corgis neutered this weekend." 300 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,156 "I said no such thing." "Oh, yeah?" Click. 301 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,494 You're a good guy, Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. 302 00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:24,397 Tell you what. 303 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,799 When Zoey goes to sleep, I'll find that tape and erase it for you. 304 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,501 No hard feelings. Really? 305 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:32,672 You'd do that to your own wife? Sure. Why not? 306 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:36,209 I mean, I'm glad she has these little causes that keep her out of trouble, 307 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,611 but when she throws a temper tantrum... 308 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,881 and it gets in the way of someone doing their job, that's a problem. 309 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:46,486 No, you know what? Don't erase the tape. 310 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,989 And for what it's worth, I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums. 311 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:52,525 I just think she's, you know, standing up for what she believes in. 312 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,062 Well, I respect that. 313 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,432 Hey, what about this? 314 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,801 I'll take you out on the boat sometime. Huh? 315 00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,137 Oh! You gotta see this boat. 316 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,073 She's breathtaking. 317 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,841 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, there's an amazing architectural phenomenon... 318 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,078 in the Natural History Museum. 319 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,346 If you stand in the right spot, 320 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,749 you can hear an entire conversation... 321 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:19,119 all the way across the room. 322 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,890 "July 23, 1981. Incident report. 323 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,526 - No. - At approximately 1000 hours-- 324 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:30,397 - No. - vandal dislodged rib from triceratops skeleton-- 325 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,133 - No. - and flung said rib at giant whale-- 326 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,667 No. 327 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,804 causing said giant whale to fall in a downward trajectory." 328 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,172 No. 329 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,208 - And the vandal's name-- - Who? 330 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,943 Well, I'll be damned. Barney Stinson. 331 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,878 No! No! 332 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,215 "Who's the master, Leroy?" 333 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,184 "Stinson was reprimanded and returned to the custody... 334 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,520 of his father, Jerome Whittaker." 335 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:54,988 Uh, no. Uncle. 336 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,924 Jerome Whittaker's my uncle. Uncle Jerry. Well, it says father. 337 00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,527 He even signed it and checked the box for father and everything. 338 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,966 Jerry's my uncle. [ Snorts ] 339 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:18,445 [ Marshall ] Lily. 340 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,383 Honey, what's wrong? 341 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,984 You okay? 342 00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:26,986 Do you want-- You want a hit of this sandwich? 343 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:29,156 I want you. 344 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,458 Awesome. Let me just put a sock on the doorknob. 345 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,659 No. 346 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:36,929 I mean, I want you as opposed to who you've become. 347 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,033 You've changed so much. 348 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:43,070 What? How-- How have I changed? Did-- 349 00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,438 - Did I cheat on you? - No. 350 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,107 Did I stop writing poems for you? 351 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,509 Yes, but I'm okay with that. 352 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,114 Am I not as good at making the sweet, sweet love to you? 353 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,249 Actually, you're way better now. 354 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,286 You last, like, two, three times as long. 355 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:02,122 You said that any longer would be too much. 356 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:05,658 It's okay. College Lily thinks those are orgasms. 357 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,194 No, it's-- 358 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,196 It's none of that. 359 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,365 It's just this new Marshall-- corporate Marshall-- 360 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,202 he wears suits all the time. 361 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,604 He doesn't care about saving the world. 362 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,039 He-- He's not you. 363 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,209 I want you back. 364 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,545 Well, you can't have me. 365 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,280 Look at the sign. 366 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,484 I'm extinct. 367 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,320 I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction. 368 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,722 Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together. 369 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,224 - They did? - Yeah. 370 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,992 They've done a few tours. They put out a new album. 371 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,561 Are you serious? That is awesome! 372 00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:44,597 - Are they just as good? - Sure. 373 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,966 Look, 374 00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:50,903 I know that corporate Marshall wears a tie and everything, 375 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:54,774 but it sounds like he hasn't changed where it counts. 376 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,782 Hey. Hi. 377 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,786 Look, Lily, I know that you would have been okay... 378 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:10,657 if we were poor and I was trying to save the world. 379 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:14,327 But will you still be okay if I make a lot of money... 380 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:18,398 and I spend all of it spoiling you and our kids? 381 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,135 We'll make it work. 382 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,107 Mmm. 383 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,712 There he goes. 384 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,781 The Marathon Man. 385 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,350 Mr. Stamina himself. 386 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,521 I can kiss better than that old man. 387 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,192 So, when was the last time you saw him? 388 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,694 It was that day. 389 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,763 July 23, 1981. 390 00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:54,167 My mom got pretty mad that he let me destroy a New York City landmark. 391 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,669 Ugh! Moms. 392 00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:59,372 He never came around anymore after that. 393 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,176 I think he moved away. 394 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,279 Maybe the security guy had it wrong. 395 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,248 - You never know-- - But you do know. You do know. 396 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,217 That's the thing. You know. 397 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,454 He's my dad. 398 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,025 - Barney, do you want to-- - I don't want to do anything. 399 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,760 Don't tell anyone about this, okay? 400 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,264 I'm serious. It's a great look. 401 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,165 I think it could come back. But one question. 402 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,134 Does it cost half as much as glasses? 403 00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,936 Can I steal you for second? 404 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:34,274 ** [ Band: Ballad ] 405 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,075 You don't need to worry. I-- 406 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:37,610 What are you doing? 407 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,547 Oh, I-I thought we were-- 408 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,582 Uh, fine. 409 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,051 I erased the tape. 410 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:46,753 What? 411 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,856 I don't need it. I'm gonna beat you fair and square. 412 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,359 ** [ Woman Singing In French ] Thanks. 413 00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:56,195 But it's good to know how easily you can be manipulated by a woman. 414 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,300 You look gross when you cry, you know that? 415 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,235 Some women look cute. 416 00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,970 You look like a basset hound. 417 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,273 Oh, laugh it up now, 418 00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:10,009 because starting Monday, I got you in my crosshairs. 419 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,279 Bring it on, princess. 420 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,947 ** [ Singing Continues ] 421 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,135 [ Door Opens ] 422 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:39,339 Eriksen, it's, uh, 3:00 a.m. 423 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,040 You know what? [ Chuckles ] 424 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,410 You might as well not even go home. 425 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,551 [ Sighs ] 426 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:56,055 [ Ted Narrating ] And so Marshall stayed right on at Goliath National Bank. 427 00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:58,391 Of course, it wouldn't last forever, 428 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,428 but that's another story.