1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,471 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, in the fall of 2010, 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,739 our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby, 3 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,876 and Lily and Marshall were the first to visit the happy new parents. 4 00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,578 So, have you guys landed on a name yet? 5 00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,480 We're tryin', but it's tougher than you think. 6 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:13,881 See, I like Tiffany. 7 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:16,384 And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name. 8 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,386 That's my mother's name. I know. 9 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,787 Oh, I got it! 10 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,856 How about we name the baby after you-- Frigid Shrew. 11 00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,992 Oh! That's good. No, no, no. 12 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,660 Let's call her Vodka. 13 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,263 Then at least we know you'll hold her tight and never let her go. 14 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,532 Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it. 15 00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,968 [ Laughing ] Oh, that's, Stuart-- You are so-- 16 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,437 That's not gonna be us, right? 17 00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:39,107 I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby? 18 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:42,176 Right? Just look at her. She's clearly a-- 19 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,844 Lisa. Emily. 20 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,213 Emily? Lisa? 21 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:50,050 [ Baby Crying ] [ Together ] Uh-oh. 22 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,553 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 23 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,124 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 24 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,030 ** [ Ends ] 25 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,866 Okay! I made a list of awesome baby names. 26 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,068 Starting at the top, number one-- 27 00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,338 I'm gonna stop you right there, Marshall. 28 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,406 You name a chubby white kid LeBron, 29 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,808 and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop. 30 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:18,279 Then I'm also crossing off, um, Shaquille-- Mm-hmm. 31 00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:21,515 Hakeem and Dikembe. 32 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,017 Wait. What about Rob? 33 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,687 Rob? No. Why not? 34 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,223 Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make-- a turkey? 35 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,059 Hunka, hunka! 36 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,961 [ Gasps ] 37 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,996 Not Rob. 38 00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:39,200 Um, how about Ryan? 39 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:43,671 [ Screaming ] 40 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,906 Not Ryan. 41 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,275 Johnny? 42 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:50,411 Hey, where's the goldfish? [ Gasps ] 43 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,450 Not Johnny. 44 00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,720 Or Gil. 45 00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,591 Jeremy. 46 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,296 Jeremy, no! 47 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,168 Definitely not Jeremy. 48 00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,370 [ Scoffs ] His stuff was so derivative. 49 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,606 Well, I mean-- Geez, Lily. 50 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,909 Well, whatever you do, do not name your baby Becky. Right? 51 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,344 Why? What-- 52 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:26,247 Becky. My new co-anchor. 53 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,716 Wait, don't you guys ever watch the show? 54 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,251 We really try. 55 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,985 Our DVR won't recognize it as a television program. 56 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,388 I watched. 57 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:37,225 Robin insisted I confirm how "awful" Becky is-- Mm-hmm. 58 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,893 so last night I checked it out. 59 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,329 Peace talks in the region... 60 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,364 have been described as productive. 61 00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:46,367 Becky. Last night in Staten Island, 62 00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,903 a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint. 63 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,606 Oh! That's so sad. 64 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,475 Becky, we're-- we're journalists. 65 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:57,144 We can't get emotional about the news we-- Oh, no! 66 00:02:57,211 --> 00:03:00,314 They stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! 67 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,350 [ Crying ] Who would do that? 68 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,652 Well, if you read this story, we might find out. 69 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,956 Oh. Can I do this one about the horse? 70 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,892 I love horsies. Mm-hmm. 71 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,595 Oh! The horse died. 72 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:19,267 Guys, this news is all really sad. 73 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:23,637 Okay, no holds barred. What'd you think of Becky? 74 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,773 Mmm. 75 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,375 [ Murmurs ] 76 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,711 - I thought she was charming. - You too? 77 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:34,348 Can somebody please explain to me why the "little girl" act works on men? 78 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,849 Want the long version or the short version? 79 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,251 Short version. 80 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,186 Short version-- 81 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,221 - Who's your daddy? - [ Both Groan ] 82 00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,923 You know, when you think about that, 83 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,892 that phrase is really creepy. 84 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,928 No, it's not. It's fun. Here, watch this. 85 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,563 Hey, Lily, 86 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,333 who's your daddy? [ Chuckles ] 87 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,834 Okay, uh, let me get this straight. 88 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:57,137 So in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to Lily, 89 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,906 she is now your daughter? 90 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,774 No, she is not my daughter. 91 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,344 I'm just... her daddy. 92 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,614 Wow, that is disgusting. Exactly. It's not like the opposite will work. 93 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,050 There's no way a guy could pick up a girl going around talking like a little boy. 94 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,685 Challenge accepted. No. 95 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,554 I, Barney Stinson, 96 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,757 will pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. 97 00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:19,226 [ All Chattering ] It'll never work. 98 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,895 Okay, here's my list of baby names. Oh. 99 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,164 - What about Tara? - No. 100 00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,800 Not Tara. Tara was the hottest girl in my high school. 101 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,036 We were all, like, obsessed with her. 102 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,540 We didn't just talk about her and fantasize about her. 103 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,542 We wrote songs about her. 104 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:40,247 [ Together ] * Tara, your booty is so smooth * 105 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:44,818 * And I hope this isn't rude * 106 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,621 * But I wanna get up on it ** 107 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,459 Not Tara. 108 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,561 What about Esther? 109 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,498 [ Male Emcee ] Gentlemen, gentlemen. 110 00:04:57,565 --> 00:05:00,734 On the main stage, give it up for Esther! 111 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,002 Oh, oh. 112 00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,405 Hey, Barney, that prime rib was surprisingly good, 113 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,273 but it's 10:30 in the morning. 114 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,542 I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance. 115 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,078 Oh, Esther gets naked, but she doesn't dance. 116 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,814 Then what does she do? 117 00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:15,349 [ Balloon Squeaking ] 118 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,553 [ Balloon Pops ] 119 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,822 Sweet Mother Nature! 120 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,262 That was my card. 121 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,400 Gentlemen, gentlemen. Give it up for Esther! 122 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,668 [ Men Clapping, Whooping ] [ Loud Pop ] 123 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,938 Not Esther. 124 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,409 I need a drink. Ted? Hmm? Ted? 125 00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,915 Marshall, your list is entirely boy names. 126 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:51,018 You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right? 127 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,487 Okay, honestly, I've never thought about having a girl. 128 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,723 I don't want to think about having a girl. 129 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,124 Tara, Esther-- 130 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,460 can you imagine being one of those girls' dads? 131 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,763 * Marshall's daughter * 132 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:08,101 * Your booty Your booty's so smooth ** 133 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,670 Gentlemen, gentlemen. 134 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:13,106 On the main stage, give it up for Marshall's daughter. 135 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,445 He screwed up my childhood. 136 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,847 That's why I do this. [ Laughs ] 137 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,352 I have no idea how to raise a daughter. 138 00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:26,887 What if she makes bad choices? 139 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,989 I mean, what if she ends up dating some-- 140 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,025 Oh, God. 141 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,394 Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend. 142 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,533 Hey, bro. 143 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,502 Thanks for makin' such a hottie. 144 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:44,472 [ Chuckles ] Who's your daddy? 145 00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:47,040 You are-- 'cause of all the sex we have! 146 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,309 [ Laughs, Moans ] 147 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,679 [ Retches ] 148 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,181 I don't want a girl. I just want a little boy. 149 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,585 It's not what it sounds like, folks. 150 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,792 Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. 151 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,427 [ Woman ] Marshall, is that you? 152 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:10,130 Oh, okay, you guys, you're a little too close to the camera. 153 00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,699 Can you back up a bit? 154 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,836 How's this? 155 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,437 Every time. 156 00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:22,576 Um, can you just sit in front of the computer like normal human beings? 157 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,277 Perfect. Perfect. 158 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:26,079 What's up, Shooter? 159 00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,881 To be honest, I'm getting a little freaked out... 160 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,083 about the idea of having a daughter. 161 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,620 I know you two probably aren't the right people to talk to about this. 162 00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:35,556 - You had all boys. - Oh, well, that-- that was just dumb luck. 163 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:39,226 Uh, hey, honey, would you get me a brewski from outta the shed? 164 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,194 Sure. You want anything, Marshall? 165 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,796 I'm in a computer, Mom. 166 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,932 Oh. 167 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,399 Yeah, all boys. 168 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,102 Total coinkydink. 169 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,104 It was no coinkydink. 170 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,740 Since the Viking age, 171 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:56,844 the Eriksen men have passed down ancient secrets for conceiving boys. 172 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,547 Number one: Avoid lemons. 173 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,549 They're baby girl fertilizer. 174 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,250 Okay, no offense, Dad, 175 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,252 but I doubt there's any scientific data to support-- 176 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,388 [ Mocking ] "I doubt there's any scientific data to support"-- 177 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,257 I had all sons! 178 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,092 Your grandfather had all sons. 179 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,662 Your great-grandfather had all sons. 180 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,329 Scoreboard! 181 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:20,534 Who you gonna listen to-- me or the scientific data? 182 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:25,172 Members of the G-8 convened today in Vienna... 183 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,542 to discuss plans to fight climate change, by which-- 184 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:31,178 What? Ask me what I did yesterday. 185 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,647 Hey, Becky. Becky, this is our news segment, okay? 186 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,482 Nobody cares what you did yesterday. 187 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:38,819 Lighten up, Robin. What'd you do, sweetheart? 188 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,053 Mike? 189 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,757 Well, I'm new in town and don't know many people, 190 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,526 but yesterday I met the sweetest man... 191 00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:49,196 who took me on a tour of the city. 192 00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,899 [ Whispering ] Guys, New York is kinda cool. 193 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,234 Okay. Back to the G-8 conference. 194 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,669 Hello? 195 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,205 Mike? Can I get in the shot? 196 00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,208 Fantastic. 197 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,310 Then, this cutie patootie... 198 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,179 took me to this bar called MacLaren's right underneath his apartment. 199 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:10,117 Wait. Did you go out with Ted Mosby? Yes! 200 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,552 Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate. 201 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,088 I saw her bedroom. 202 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:18,025 [ Whispering ] She's a messy Bessie. 203 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,459 In other news, 204 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,496 later today a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat. 205 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,032 Ow! 206 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,867 Ted, of all the women in New York, 207 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,102 you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl? 208 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,004 Yeah. Not what it sounds like, folks. 209 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,573 Ted, you know that I hate her. 210 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,676 How could you go out on a date with this girl? 211 00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:37,210 It wasn't a date. 212 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,312 She came over to the apartment looking for you. 213 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:43,016 I made Robin my famous chocolate-chip cookies, 214 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,787 but instead of chocolate chips I used Gummi bears. 215 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:47,788 Oh! 216 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:50,023 [ Screams ] A spider! 217 00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,860 Let me guess. 218 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,962 She acted like a helpless little girl, 219 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,297 and you stepped in as the big strong man. 220 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,134 I don't know if that's totally true. 221 00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,873 It's okay, little darlin'. 222 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,540 [ Sighs ] Poor spider. 223 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,309 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 224 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,313 Spiders gotta die... 225 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,315 so trees can grow. 226 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,119 Then I held her tight, 227 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:22,055 told her it was all gonna be okay. 228 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,358 By the way, I think I only wounded the spider. 229 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,060 It crawled off into my bedroom. 230 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,962 Wait. Is that why you slept on the couch last night? 231 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,899 [ Scoffs ] Yeah. I slept. 232 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,035 I'm dyin' out here. 233 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:38,438 Talkin' like a little boy is not working with the ladies. 234 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,841 Wow, lady. 235 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,310 You got some "tig ol' bitties"! 236 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,213 [ Stammers ] 237 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:47,815 Gosh! 238 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:52,052 Your body's a perfect... this many. 239 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:57,424 Uh, do you wanna wrestle with our special bathing suit places? 240 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,160 Come on. 241 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,796 I just need two seconds, baby. 242 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,765 I know you think that's a compliment, 243 00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,867 but I'd rather you take your time. 244 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,269 No, um, I'll be-- I'll be right back. 245 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:21,381 Ancient Norse wisdom tells us that to sire a son, 246 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,752 you must do three things right before you lay with your maiden. 247 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:27,387 First, eat pickled herring. 248 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,523 Eat it! 249 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:33,126 This is ridiculous. 250 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,065 [ Emcee ] Gentlemen, gentlemen. 251 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,533 On the main stage, throwing her life away, 252 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,702 give it up for Marshall's daughter. 253 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:45,072 [ Crowd Applauds ] 254 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,942 Who's your granddaddy? 255 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:52,245 - That guy. - [ Weeping ] 256 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,485 [ Whimpers ] 257 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,753 [ Groans ] 258 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,758 Hey, wanna have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? 259 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,794 His name's Otis. 260 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,396 [ No Audible Dialogue ] You don't-- 261 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,132 Hey. Hey! Wanna come to my house and play telephone? 262 00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,501 I got the string, you got the cans. 263 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,069 [ Giggles ] 264 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:20,140 I wet myself. Will you change me? 265 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,276 Can't blame her on that one. 266 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:29,249 Guys, I have some terrible, terrible news. 267 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:32,252 I, Barney Stinson, 268 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:36,623 can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. 269 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,159 Challenge forfeited. [ Sobs ] 270 00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:42,863 We don't care about this at all. No one challenged you. It wasn't really a challenge. 271 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,066 [ Sobs ] I'm sorry. 272 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,936 [ Man ] Hey, Gerard. What's with that shirt? 273 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,938 Nobody could pick up a chick wearing that thing. 274 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,240 Challenge accept-- 275 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:56,709 [ Sobbing ] 276 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,345 Wow, I'm glad that's over. 277 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,014 It was creepy watching Barney talk like a little kid. 278 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,216 Oh, but you find it irresistible when Becky does? 279 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,652 I don't get it. The Ted that I went out with... 280 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,254 was attracted to the kind of woman... 281 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,489 who could use a steak knife without supervision. 282 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:12,159 For your information, Becky doesn't like steak. 283 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,461 She likes "pasghetti"-- Spaghetti. 284 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:18,031 And more importantly, she makes me feel needed. Needed? 285 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,200 She makes training wheels feel needed. 286 00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,269 Hey, it's nice to feel needed. 287 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,072 And you know what? It's not a feeling guys get when they're with you. 288 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,276 [ Gagging ] 289 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,981 Son, Viking lore tells us... 290 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:38,118 that to ensure the continuation of your noble male lineage, 291 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:43,123 get a big ol' bowl of ice and dunk your man sack right in there. 292 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,893 [ Laughing ] You two and your football. 293 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,134 Okay. 294 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,371 Mm-hmm. 295 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,407 [ Exhales ] [ Ice Cubes Clink ] 296 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:04,044 [ Screams ] 297 00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:07,180 Now, get in there, point Lily due north, 298 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,616 and make me a grandson! 299 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,985 Eriksen! 300 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:15,422 Eriksen! [ Groaning ] 301 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,731 When we were dating, I-- 302 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,399 I didn't make you feel needed? 303 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,336 Come on. You always took charge of everything. 304 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,440 Oop. I got this. 305 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,610 Is this okay? Am I hurting you? 306 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,512 I got this. Whoa! [ Groans ] 307 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,214 [ Rattling ] 308 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:44,284 Someone's trying to break in! Call the cops. 309 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,553 [ Shotgun Cocks ] I got this. 310 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,823 Did that really bother you? Well, yeah. 311 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,226 It's nice to be needed. 312 00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,395 Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. 313 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,130 [ Cell Phone Rings ] 314 00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:01,901 It's Becky. Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door. 315 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,705 I got this. 316 00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:06,974 Thank you. 317 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:12,212 [ Shivers ] Let's make a baby. Mmm! 318 00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:13,880 Whoa! 319 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,216 Baby, you're packin' snowballs, 320 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,485 and your breath smells like a mermaid fart. 321 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,921 Loving the dirty talk. You know what's even hotter? 322 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,823 If we face this-a way. Hmm? 323 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,825 Ooh, we're bad. Baby-- 324 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,361 Hey, baby, why are you facing me north? 325 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,063 I-- [ Gasps ] 326 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,999 You're trying to make us have a boy! 327 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,134 I can ex-- 328 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,404 How do you know about the north thing? 329 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:38,938 Oh, um-- 330 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:41,308 And what are you doing with those lemons? 331 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,012 Baby girl fertilizer! 332 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,148 You're trying to make us have a girl! 333 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,188 You are trying to make us have a girl. 334 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,725 All my least favorite students have been boys, 335 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,494 so I googled "How to make a girl." 336 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:04,397 Some really weird stuff came up. [ Chuckles ] 337 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:08,501 But, finally, I found this conception Web site that said you should-- 338 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,671 [ Thinking ] Point south at the moment of conception, 339 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,207 eat a lemon-- [ Sighs ] 340 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,743 [ Groans ] 341 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:20,647 and heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees. 342 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,382 [ Whirring ] 343 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:28,921 Ooh. Ahhh. Oh, that's not bad. 344 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,990 Mmm! 345 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,559 [ Marshall ] Eriksen! 346 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,127 Ooh, ooh. 347 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,764 Lily, how could you do... 348 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,466 exactly the same thing I did? 349 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,368 You're supposed to be the sane one. 350 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:45,305 See that? Another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes. 351 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,540 That's why girls are way better than boys. 352 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,410 Oh, really? Then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie, 353 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:55,148 it's always a little girl-- or twin girls who speak in unison. 354 00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,016 Oh, well, what about Chucky? 355 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,552 Okay. A: He was a doll. 356 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:02,455 B: He was possessed by an adult serial killer. 357 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:06,393 And C: How could you bring up Chucky right before bed? 358 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,729 [ Doorbell Rings ] 359 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:11,931 Hey. Hey. 360 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,600 Hey. Um-- 361 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:17,170 When we were dating, did-- did I make you feel needed? 362 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:20,107 No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all. 363 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,874 [ Sighs ] That's what I thought. 364 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,643 Uh, I'm sorry. 365 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:27,214 Wait. Where are you go-- That's a compliment. 366 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,516 You're the least-needy woman I've ever met. 367 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,017 That's awesome. 368 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,854 I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky. 369 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,656 You're your own daddy... 370 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,125 and mommy... 371 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,194 and weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun, 372 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,929 blaming stuff on the government. 373 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,598 [ Chuckling ] 374 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:49,769 And that is what makes you the most amazing, 375 00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,038 strong, 376 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,941 independent woman I've ever banged. 377 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,377 Thanks, Barney. 378 00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:01,348 You know, um, there's something that I wanted to ask you. 379 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,151 I don't really know how to say it, 380 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,785 so here goes. 381 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,922 Who's the crazy chick in the apron? 382 00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:13,460 [ Baby Talk ] Someone naughty left his toys on the floor... 383 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:17,164 and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush. 384 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,269 [ Baby Talk ] Uh-oh. I'm in twubble! 385 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,537 You did it. How? 386 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:28,575 Last night after admitting defeat, I just let myself go. 387 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,511 Mmm! That looks so good. Can I have some? 388 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:35,615 No! It's my ice cream. You can't have any. 389 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:38,918 Someone needs to teach you how to share. 390 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:39,886 [ Scoffs ] 391 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,557 Who's your mommy? 392 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,697 Challenge completed! 393 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,098 Mmm. [ Laughs ] 394 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,767 Now, uh, can you get this freak outta here? I'm really scared. 395 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,569 I got this. 396 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,639 ** [ Spaghetti Western Theme ] 397 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,512 Oh, so you finally agreed on a name. 398 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:10,583 Well, the other night, she ran a-- a really high fever. 399 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,220 [ Stuart ] We rushed her to the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning, 400 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,622 but they wouldn't admit her without a name. 401 00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:22,462 Right then and there we realized how stupid we were being. 402 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:26,966 We looked at each other and, well, we just knew. 403 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,735 Our baby's name is-- 404 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,203 [ Together ] Esther. 405 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,904 [ Gags ] Esther! 406 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,741 [ Emcee ] Esther! 407 00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,476 That's beautiful. 408 00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:37,677 Yeah. 409 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,081 We're idiots. 410 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,718 Baby, names and gender-- It's just like-- 411 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,720 It's some way of giving ourselves the illusion... 412 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,689 that we have any control whatsoever. 413 00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,659 I-I just want a healthy, happy 12-pound-- 414 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,494 Whoa! 415 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,795 Ten-pound? 416 00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:59,366 Eight-pound? [ Sighs ] I guess. 417 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,934 But, dude, you're writing checks my vagina can't cash. 418 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,536 [ Chuckles ] 419 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,805 I love you. Mmm. 420 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,908 And I'm gonna love the crap outta whatever baby we have. 421 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,910 Me too. 422 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,250 You know what? 423 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:20,653 We should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy. 424 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,123 Like, um-- [ Together ] Jamie. 425 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:27,827 Marshall, we just named our baby. 426 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,263 Jamie. 427 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,335 Not Jamie! 428 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,313 [ Both Chuckle ] 429 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,448 Shoe's untied. I got it. 430 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,627 Yeah, this is over.