1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,704 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, in the fall of 2010, 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,740 I was designing the new headquarters for Goliath National Bank, 3 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,177 which meant working side by side with your Uncle Barney. 4 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:12,946 I love your idea about a giant rooftop ring of fire you can jump through with a motorcycle. 5 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:17,051 But I tweaked it slightly, and this is still super badass. 6 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:21,355 It's now a patio garden where you can bring a nice bag lunch. 7 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,258 Sick. Yeah. 8 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:28,429 Dude, working together is gonna be legen-- 9 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,298 Wait for it. 10 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:34,368 I'll send you an interoffice memo with the rest, 'cause we freakin' work together! 11 00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:37,538 [ Ted Narrating ] Everything was going great-- that is, right up until Barney said-- 12 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:41,875 Oh! Big news. The board finally settled on a site for the building. 13 00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,577 [ Ted Narrating ] It was the site of the Arcadian, ** [ Trumpet: Symphonic Jazz ] 14 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,479 one of New York's grandest old hotels. 15 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,316 In its heyday, it was the New York home to kings and queens. 16 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,151 But lately-- ** [ Funk ] 17 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,754 mostly just queens. 18 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,824 [ Low Voice ] Hi, handsome. Lookin' for a date? 19 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,792 Uh, no, thank you. 20 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:03,097 Still got it. [ Exhales ] 21 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,634 - Barney, we have to talk. - Sure. What's up? 22 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,337 - Excuse me, Mr. Stinson. - Not now, Trish! 23 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,672 But there's an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby. 24 00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,411 - ..."dary." - "Legendary!" 25 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,081 So, what's on your mind? 26 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:23,584 [ Sighs ] I can't design the building. 27 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,288 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 28 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,658 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 29 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,698 ** [ Ends ] 30 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,100 Ooh, yeah. [ Chortling ] 31 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:44,638 Oh, baby. No, no. Not the slipper socks with the rubber soles. 32 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,007 I work so hard to-- to set the mood, 33 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:50,444 a-and when I see those, I feel the egg go-- [ Imitates Slurp ] 34 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,413 right back up my fallopian tube. 35 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,048 Baby, these satin sheets are slippery. 36 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,917 - Papa needs traction. - Traction? 37 00:01:56,984 --> 00:02:00,120 As you know, Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm. 38 00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:01,855 Please stop calling yourself "Papa." 39 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,291 And without traction, 40 00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:04,925 Papa's likely to boogie himself right outta bed. 41 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,728 - It's either these or soccer cleats. - [ Slurps ] 42 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,498 Hey, so I talked to Robin. 43 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,334 I guess she and Max hooked up last night. 44 00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:16,570 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, as you may remember, Max was a friend of Marshall's from law school... 45 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,106 with whom Robin was really starting to hit it off. 46 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,808 Nice! I love that guy. 47 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:24,178 Max is both his name and his level of awesomeness. 48 00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,848 Yeah, he's a sweet guy. She feels really comfortable with him. 49 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,784 They bonded over hockey. I guess he has a small penis. 50 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,754 - But they wanna double-date next weekend. - Yaah! 51 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,990 - Why would you tell me that? - So you'll clear your schedule. 52 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:40,461 - No. The other part. - Oh, the "small penis" thing? 53 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,796 Aah! Stop saying that! Why do you keep saying that? 54 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,265 I don't wanna know that. 55 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,634 I'm not gonna be able to look the guy in the eye. 56 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,902 I'm certainly not gonna be able to call him Max. 57 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:52,340 That's insane! Just because you know Max has a small penis. 58 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:54,375 Gaah! Just stop! 59 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,611 - You are kidding me. - I'm sorry. 60 00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,348 I can't do this if it means tearing down the Arcadian. 61 00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:03,351 It's an architectural landmark. Plus, people live there. 62 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,620 How does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave? 63 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,222 Snakes. Did you just say "snakes"? 64 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,458 I don't recall saying "snakes." 65 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:14,262 Ted, I know ya love crappy old stuff no one cares about, 66 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,331 but I'm gonna give you four words to live by. 67 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:22,536 - "New is always better." - New is always better? 68 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,672 You know who's a million times hotter... 69 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,807 than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? 70 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:30,544 Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. 71 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:34,081 Why? Because new is always better. 72 00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:37,318 Mm-hmm. And this theory applies to everything? Everything. 73 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:41,489 So, those new Star Wars movies-- those are better than the old ones? 74 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:47,495 Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law. 75 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,163 Then when you're at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're, like, 76 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,132 "Yeah, yeah. 'Paradise City.' Whatever. 77 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:55,536 When are they gonna rock me some 'Chinese Democracy'?" 78 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:58,539 Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted. 79 00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:01,241 Wendy, I'd like to buy my friend a drink. 80 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,611 - What's your oldest scotch? - Glen McKenna. 81 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:06,547 Aged 30 years in oak casks. Amazing. 82 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,982 And what's your newest scotch? 83 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,319 Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch. 84 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,354 Don't let it touch your skin. 85 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,324 Your call, buddy. 86 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:22,863 A glass of J-Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch sounds lovely. 87 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,132 Lots of ice. 88 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,835 New is always better, Ted. That's a rule. 89 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,070 - Just like bigger is always better. - [ Marshall Scoffs ] 90 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:33,674 That's not true. Uh, sometimes smaller is better. 91 00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:36,610 "Hey, look how big my cell phone is." 92 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,446 You don't hear people say that. 93 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:41,181 No, you want something compact and efficient... 94 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,183 that fits comfortably in your pocket. 95 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,553 And I think Max is just a great guy. 96 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,821 [ Sighs ] Lily told you. Told him what? 97 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,823 Max has a small penis. 98 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,224 Gaah! [ Shouts ] 99 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,026 How can you speak of such things? 100 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:57,130 - Girls talk about everything. - Size, shape, left-to-right leaning orientation. 101 00:04:57,197 --> 00:05:00,434 Length, resemblance to a historical figure, such as Winston Churchill. 102 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,570 Yes, that's one of you. 103 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,205 - Girth, grooming. - How can you speak of such things? 104 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,740 [ Scoffs ] You're kidding. 105 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,577 Barney, every time I mention a woman you don't know, 106 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,679 the first thing you say is, "Boobs?" 107 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:16,183 Not the complete sentence, "Does she have big boobs?" which also would not be great. 108 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,318 Just, "Boobs?" 109 00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,388 I do not do that. My friend Lori from work. 110 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,390 Boobs? Damn it! 111 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:25,292 But, seriously-- Boobs? 112 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,795 So why is it okay for guys to talk about boobs, 113 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,598 but the moment we bring up a topic like Max's small penis-- 114 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:31,932 [ Ted, Marshall, Barney Scream ] 115 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,167 I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened. 116 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:37,771 Impossible. Max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. 117 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,307 Like a splinter-sized splinter. 118 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:44,445 Speaking of disappointing weenies, Ted, tell them what ya told me. 119 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,515 I wanna ask the board at GNB... 120 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,583 to move the site for the new headquarters... 121 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,919 so we don't have to tear down a classic old building. 122 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:55,856 I still don't get this. Why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, 123 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,825 do you want to ruin-- 124 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,127 Wait a minute. 125 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,329 Who's the girl? 126 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,398 - [ Robin ] Oh, duh. - [ Lily ] Of course there's a girl. 127 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:08,836 What? I-- There's no g-girl. Why would you even-- 128 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,239 Her name is Zoey. 129 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,408 Boobs? 130 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,781 Beautiful building, right? 131 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:23,717 Look, mister, you are very convincing, 132 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:26,420 and I am very flattered-- 133 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:29,022 confused even-- but I'm not looking-- 134 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,725 Not a drag queen. 135 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,628 But you definitely have me rethinking this eye shadow. 136 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:38,832 Not only is she funny, hot and genetically female, 137 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,734 but get this-- 138 00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:44,472 Look at the Palladian windows, the rusticated stonework, 139 00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,807 the marble cornices. 140 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:50,444 She's an architecture nerd! A hot architecture nerd! 141 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:53,413 That's the dream. Whose dream? 142 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,716 We wound up talking for hours. 143 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:59,352 I love how old parts of this city are. 144 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,790 It makes me feel connected to history. Old is always better. 145 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,158 I can't wait to be old. Me too. 146 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:09,096 You can wear elastic everything. Your lipstick doesn't have to stay inside the lines. 147 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:12,265 You can shoplift and pretend you're just confused. 148 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:16,103 You can nap anywhere, even while driving. Uh-huh. 149 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:19,907 It's gonna be great. Can't wait to be all rundown and weathered and wrinkly. 150 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,944 Well, I'd say you got a pretty long wait. 151 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,379 That's sweet. 152 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,249 It would be sweeter if you hadn't thought I was a tranny before, 153 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,151 but it's still sweet. 154 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,187 Aw, Ted, that's so romantic. 155 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,991 I wanna fill a pillowcase with dead batteries and beat you with it. 156 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,961 Hey, Ted. Can I ask you something? 157 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,597 Anything. 158 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,270 - Will you sign this petition? - [ Siren Wailing In Distance ] 159 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,039 "Save the Arcadian." 160 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:55,242 We are gonna stop the bastards at Goliath National Bank from demolishing it. 161 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,913 Will you support us? 162 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,915 And you said? 163 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,251 Where do I sign? 164 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,253 [ Sputters ] 165 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,657 Hmm. Grape scotch. Not bad. 166 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,697 Ted, you only think the Arcadian needs to be saved... 167 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,666 because some pretty girl thinks that. 168 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,268 And, seriously, boobs? 169 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,471 This isn't about the girl. It's about the building. 170 00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,074 And what did this "Zoey" say... 171 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:30,811 when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved Arcadian, 172 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:34,748 that you, Ted Mosby, are the architect of destruction? 173 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,117 Whoa. Sweet wrestling name alert. 174 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:42,623 Well, uh, it's a-- it's a funny thing about that. 175 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,993 So, what do you do, Ted? I'm a veterinarian. 176 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,195 [ All Laughing ] What? I panicked! 177 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,998 This whole Arcadian thing is classic Mosby. 178 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:53,533 Changing your personality to fit some girl. 179 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,236 I don't do that. 180 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,607 Well, off to meet Steph. 181 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,542 We're adrenaline junkies. 182 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,313 [ Murmurs ] Ba-dum-bum. 183 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:09,449 Penelope's taking me to the Battle of Gettysburg. 184 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:12,052 We're gonna eat squirrel. [ Giggles ] 185 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,193 Look, she's really hot, okay? 186 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,664 [ Shutter Clicks ] 187 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,799 [ All ] Oh! Come on! Come on! 188 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,135 We all change a little for whoever we're into. 189 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,303 Barney pretended to be a rabbi to get laid. 190 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,240 Asian girls love them some Jews. 191 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:36,276 And Marshall never would've listened to the Indigo Girls if it weren't for Lily. 192 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,779 Um, I think you got that backwards there, chief. 193 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,749 And you're welcome. 194 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:45,252 The point is, you weren't pretending to like the Indigo Girls for the other person. 195 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,855 You realized you liked them because of the other person. 196 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,124 Just like me, Zoey and the Arcadian. 197 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,794 Did GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian? 198 00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,763 [ Snickers ] No. 199 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,364 Technically, they were eggs. 200 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,767 Did you just say-- I don't recall saying "eggs." 201 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,103 So, I walk into my boss's office, 202 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:07,274 and suddenly I realize, "Holy crap. I'm about to quit." 203 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,377 [ Thinking ] Small penis. You have a small penis. 204 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,781 Oh, that's super interesting, but you have a small penis. 205 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,415 Damn it, Marshall! Okay, okay. 206 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:19,152 Think of any two words other than "small" or "penis." 207 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,122 Got it. Small penis. Damn it! 208 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:25,659 Yeah, I think it is so cool that you started your own law firm. 209 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:29,362 Well, right now it's a pretty small practice. 210 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:30,998 [ Chuckling ] Hey. Hey. 211 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,100 I'll bet it's not that small. 212 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:37,004 Bro, it's pretty small. 213 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,973 But you know what they say. The important thing is how you use it. 214 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,642 You know, "the motion of the ocean." That whole thing. 215 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:46,113 He said it's small, Marshall, and everybody's fine with that. Let's just move on. 216 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:50,317 I'm just saying that I bet it's bigger than he thinks. 217 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:54,254 - And thick. - No. Everything about it is tiny. 218 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:57,257 The office is tiny. The conference room is tiny. 219 00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:00,093 Plus, I got a very small staff. Let's order! 220 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,031 [ Ted Narrating ] As I was mustering the courage to call Zoey... 221 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,199 and tell her my true identity-- 222 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,736 "Zoey. I'm Batman." 223 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,705 That'd be cool. 224 00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,907 The strangest thing happened. [ Knocking ] 225 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,613 I need your help. Just to warn you, 226 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:24,417 what I'm about to show you is not a hundred percent legal. 227 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:28,956 Wasn't expecting bunnies. I stole 'em, Ted. 228 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:32,860 My animal rights group liberated these guys from an evil cosmetics company, 229 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,862 and I figured, "Hey, Ted's a vet. 230 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,430 He can check them out and make sure they're okay." 231 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,267 Absolutely. Just let me run up and get my bag of vet supplies. Okay. 232 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,804 Why would I say that? 233 00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:46,874 Well, I know what I'm getting. 234 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,076 - What? - The porterhouse. 235 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:53,346 I've had it here before. It is like this. It's huge. 236 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:56,216 Well, spare no expense, buddy. Dinner is on me. 237 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:59,652 And-- And get dessert. Maybe this molten chocolate lava cake? 238 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,989 I just want you to be happy. 239 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,124 Thanks, man. Next time, it is on me. 240 00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:05,926 - Aw. - Excuse me. I'll be right back. 241 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,295 - All right. - [ Marshall ] Totally. 242 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,030 We'll just be here. 243 00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:14,567 You're great. 244 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,770 Uh-- [ Chuckles ] Thanks, bro. 245 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,006 It's, uh-- It's goin' on a while. 246 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,774 I know. 247 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,442 Thanks. 248 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:24,778 Damn, baby. Be cool. 249 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,781 - You're acting like he has six months to live. - It's your fault. 250 00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,383 You ladies and your salty sailor talk. 251 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,453 Oh, come on! What about you men and your locker room talk? 252 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,257 "Locker room talk." Do you wanna know what it's like in a men's locker room? 253 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:38,859 Hey. Hey. 254 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,494 [ Shower Running ] [ Marshall ] It's just a bunch of uncomfortable dudes... 255 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:44,197 trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. 256 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:48,001 And one old guy just lettin' it all hang out. 257 00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:51,038 Are you suggesting that guys don't talk about sex? 258 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,706 Yes, we do, but you know what we say? 259 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,276 "I hit that." "I got some." 260 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:59,079 "I tapped it." "I squeezed those." 261 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,915 - Discreet and efficient. - Not to mention classy. 262 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,716 Thank God that I'm not dating. 263 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,686 If I thought that Lily talked in that much detail about our sex life, 264 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,856 I'd probably kill myself. 265 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,428 Oh, no. What did you tell her? 266 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,832 [ Squeaky, Gasping Voice ] I told her nothing. We don't talk about you. 267 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,633 Are you sure? 268 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:24,404 Yeah! That argument has no traction whatsoever. 269 00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:30,343 Wait. You just broke in and stole these guys? Aren't you worried about getting arrested? 270 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,713 Nah, I've been arrested lots of times. 271 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,415 [ Camera Shutter Clicking ] 272 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,093 [ Scoffs ] "Chinese Democracy"! 273 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,627 Wow. 274 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,496 You're a little bit crazy. 275 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,332 Well, I'm usually crazy for a good cause. 276 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,534 I can't just sit by while voiceless people... 277 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,104 or animals or even buildings get screwed over. 278 00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:02,342 I'm certainly not gonna just sit by while GNB turns the Arcadian into a soulless metal box. 279 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,879 Yeah. Yeah. Although I hear there's a lovely rooftop patio... 280 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,315 where folks can enjoy a nice bag lunch. 281 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,985 Ted, I will find the bastards at GNB responsible for this, 282 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,753 and I promise you, 283 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:17,024 I will take... them... down. 284 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:20,127 Cuckoo! 285 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:24,631 Ted, this woman is an anarchist, a sociopath, a lunatic. 286 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,734 And, for the love of God, boobs? 287 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,171 Solid "C" cup, perky bounce. Momentary grudging respect. 288 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:37,477 Zoey does what she believes is right, and I wanna do the same thing. 289 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,646 We have to find a new site for this building. 290 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,314 Ted, that is never gonna happen. 291 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,951 Well, I can't tear down the Arcadian. 292 00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,786 I'm sorry, but I'm off the project. 293 00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:50,190 - [ Crowd Chanting ] - Hey, guys, I appreciate the great turnout, 294 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:54,561 but just so we're all on the same page, this is not a rally to legalize marijuana. 295 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,529 Aw, bummer. 296 00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,602 - Hey. - Hey, Ted! 297 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,271 I'm so glad you came. 298 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:07,540 Well, you really got to me the other night. 299 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,010 I wanna get involved with "Save the Arcadian." Great. 300 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,545 I'll grab you a picket sign. Hmm. 301 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:16,649 Do you want "GNB puts the 'douche' in 'fiduciary'"... 302 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,121 or "It's always 4:20 somewhere"? 303 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,356 Dudes, you forgot your signs! 304 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,293 [ Ted Narrating ] As I looked up at that magnificent old structure, 305 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:29,329 I realized I wasn't letting my feelings for Zoey mislead me. 306 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,999 This building really was worth saving. 307 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:40,107 Ted, everything okay? Yeah, um-- Uh-- 308 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:47,314 You work for GNB? 309 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,651 Dude, why are you dressed like a wizard? 310 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,121 She was really hot, okay? 311 00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:06,899 - [ Sinister Laugh ] - How the hell could you do that? 312 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:10,537 Simple. I rented the chair. The bunny was here already. That was lucky. 313 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:13,373 I waited to do the dramatic swivel until I heard your key enter the door-- 314 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,775 - The billboard, Barney. - I had to. 315 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:18,878 Now that you have no shot with the girl, you realize you never cared about the building, 316 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:20,447 and everything can go back to normal. 317 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,916 You're wrong. I do care. And I'm still quitting. 318 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:27,654 Don't you get it, Ted? We're tearing down the Arcadian either way. 319 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,358 It's a stupid, old, piece-of-crap, rundown, snake-infested dump. 320 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:34,661 Okay. Are there or aren't there snakes? Who mentioned snakes? 321 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:38,698 And stop shouting. You're scaring Cottontail. 322 00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:41,701 You named the rabbit? You took longer to get here than I thought. 323 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,370 We bonded. I'm keeping her. 324 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:48,541 The point is, you now have a chance to design your own building. 325 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:51,511 Dude, you can do whatever you want with it. 326 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:55,948 You're right. You're right. I can design it however I want. 327 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,451 So, you're back in? 328 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,520 Yeah. 329 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:03,022 [ Ted Narrating ] That night, as I worked on a new design... 330 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:05,158 that just might solve all my problems, 331 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:11,298 Marshall was visited by a disturbing vision. 332 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,366 [ Lily ] Ugh, he thinks I like this, 333 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,968 but it feels disgusting. 334 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,538 Uh, it looks disgusting. 335 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:22,075 Um-- Uh, is this workin' for you? 336 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,776 [ Mocking ] "Uh, is this workin' for you?" 337 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,247 Oh, of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on... 338 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:30,217 while some giant paws at her nether regions... 339 00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:32,485 like Lennie from Of Mice and Men? 340 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,854 Oh, you're bad! More cosmos? 341 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,523 Mmm. [ Clink ] 342 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:39,592 I can't-- I can't do this! I can't stop thinking about you and Robin! 343 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,394 Well, I've had that a couple times. 344 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,264 Just lean into it and let it fuel things. 345 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,998 Look-- No. You know what? 346 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,136 Why don't you just-- Why don't you just call Robin, okay, 347 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,104 and have a good laugh about it? 348 00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,907 [ Marshall Screams ] [ Squeak, Thud ] 349 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,977 Traction could've prevented that. 350 00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:00,380 [ Crowd Chanting ] 351 00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:05,552 Well, hope you don't mind we made some changes to the billboard. 352 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,292 Well, that explains a few voice mails. 353 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,561 Listen, Zoey, I think we can save the Arcadian. 354 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,996 No, maybe not in the way you were picturing, 355 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:20,433 but I stayed up all night working on a new concept, okay? 356 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,403 What if my design could incorporate the Arcadian's facade... 357 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,005 into the new GNB headquarters? 358 00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,107 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, it was one of those moments in life... 359 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:32,845 where everything comes together-- the girl, the building, everything. 360 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:35,348 Until-- 361 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,417 Are you married? Yeah. 362 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,288 So you're saying the facade will be completely preserved? 363 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:48,795 This isn't about the girl. It's about the building. 364 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,798 - [ Ted Narrating ] Yeah, it was about the girl. - Ted? 365 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:54,634 What-- What are you doing? [ Clears Throat ] This wouldn't work. 366 00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:57,204 Zoey, the Arcadian was a really great building once, 367 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,172 but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes. 368 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,707 Snakes? I don't recall saying "snakes." 369 00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:05,077 Then he gets this panicked look on his face, 370 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,614 says, "I can't do this" and storms out. 371 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,050 - Wow, that is weird. - But here's the crazier part. 372 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,085 No! You know what? 373 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,655 Papa don't back down from a fight. 374 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:18,625 So why don't you tell Robin about this! 375 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,196 It was amazing. 376 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:27,934 He was passionate, animalistic, a complete stud. 377 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,902 Wow! 378 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:33,340 - So he's right there making you say all this, huh? - Yep. 379 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:37,610 "'You're like a Greek god,' I moaned, as the"-- 380 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,147 - I can't read that, baby. - Musky scent of man. 381 00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,750 "As the musky scent of man... 382 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:47,153 and Marshall's sure-footed traction... 383 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:50,823 intoxicated and overpowered me." 384 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,459 That sounds real. 385 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,126 [ Ted Narrating ] And as for Zoey, it was funny. 386 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,364 I'd lied to her and completely let her down, and I barely knew the girl. 387 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,998 But there was something about her. 388 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:02,435 I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever see her again. 389 00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,271 [ Zoey On Bullhorn ] Hey, Mosby! 390 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:10,176 You're gonna have to come out of your hole at some point, you son of a bitch! 391 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:14,914 - Yeah. Legalize it! - Dude! 392 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:18,685 Ready, aim, fire! 393 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:22,355 [ Ted Narrating ] Why, yes. Yes, I would see her again. 394 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,727 Hey. Hey. 395 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,262 Hey. Hey. 396 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:33,500 - How's it goin' with Robin? - Uh, I think I have to break up with her. 397 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,168 You with her? [ Chuckling ] Why? 398 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,605 Yeah, well, there's this... 399 00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,508 kind of weird thing she likes to do in the bedroom. 400 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:45,478 Just... makes me uncomfortable. 401 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:48,681 - I get it. - Yeah, that is not for everyone. 402 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,683 Okay. What's not for everyone? 403 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,554 Guys, come on! What is it? 404 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:57,957 Come on, bro. It's a locker room. 405 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,628 I-- 406 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,599 What do you think it was, Murray?