1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,605 I cannot stop staring at that girl's face. 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,376 "Face." Huh. That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet. 3 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:11,512 - [ Lily Laughs ] - No, Ted. I'm really looking at her face. 4 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,082 Aw. That's actually really sweet. 5 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:17,785 Puffy cheeks. Smudged mascara. 6 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,653 Slightly red nose. 7 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,289 That girl was just crying. 8 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:24,692 She's so sad and defenseless. 9 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,428 - Anyone have a condom? - [ Marshall ] Oh, God! - [ Lily ] No, no, no. 10 00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:29,997 That's it! You know what? Five-minute time-out! 11 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,366 - Corner booth. Now. - Aw. Cruel. 12 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,303 Hey, get this. You know, uh, my friend Max from law school? 13 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:39,573 He's at Gregor's Steakhouse downtown, and Woody Allen is sitting two tables over. 14 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,343 - He wants us to come check it out. - [ Groaning ] 15 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,779 I don't know. It could be cool. I've never seen Woody Allen. 16 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:49,550 What? Robin, how can you be a New Yorker and never have seen Woody Allen? 17 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:52,886 I have seen plenty of other famous people. 18 00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:56,357 Last week, I saw Maury Povich. 19 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,026 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, you know talk show host Maury Povich. 20 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,495 It was uncanny how often we saw this guy. 21 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,199 - Dude, everyone sees Maury Povich. - Maury Povich is everywhere. 22 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,769 I'm sorry, Robin, but you're not a real New Yorker until you've seen Woody Allen. 23 00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,604 I am, too, a real New Yorker. 24 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:13,741 That's adorable. You're from Canada. 25 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,810 I have been here for almost six years. It's not like I just got off a boat. 26 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:20,514 [ Chuckling ] "A boat." Wait. That is how you say it. 27 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,250 I'd say you're not a real New Yorker... 28 00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,852 until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do. 29 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,555 No. You're not a real New Yorker until you've cried on the subway... 30 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,557 and not given a damn what anyone thinks. 31 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:33,294 No. You're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hands. 32 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,396 Those rules are all stupid, okay? 33 00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:37,331 I've never done any of those things. 34 00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:40,768 [ Ted Narrating ] By the end of this day, Robin would've done all of those things. 35 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,836 Okay. Time's up. What are we talkin' about? 36 00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:46,574 Woody Allen is eating at Gregor's, and Robin thinks that we should go see him. 37 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,076 Pssh. Why would I do that? I'll see him at poker on Tuesday. 38 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:52,146 Oh, come on. If we jump in a cab, we'll be there in 15 minutes. 39 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,215 A real New Yorker would know the subway's faster. 40 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,049 You just take the 1, transfer to the 2, 3. 41 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,118 Well, the bus runs more often on weekends. 42 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,321 - Take the M7 to the M5. - The bus? 43 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:04,358 Every time I take the bus, there's one crazy person no one wants to sit near. 44 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:07,228 That's why I have never taken the bus. 45 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:10,298 Plus, I can run faster than a bus. 46 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:13,167 Dude, that's, like, seven miles. 47 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,669 You can't do that. You can't beat the bus. 48 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:19,407 I can beat a bus or a cab or a train. 49 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,975 Is anyone else suddenly craving green eggs and ham? 50 00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,279 Machines are overrated, and someone needs to take them down a peg. 51 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:28,882 You're all wrong. I got a way to get there so fast, I could beat all of you... 52 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:32,486 even if I sat down and ordered a big, juicy steak first. 53 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:35,356 - How? - Medium rare. But that's not important right now. 54 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,691 Look, I know the city better than any of you guys, okay? 55 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,059 Oh, my God! Oh, wow. 56 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,629 Yeah, I do. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! 57 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,397 [ All Shouting ] Hold on! Hold on! 58 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,633 Let's just forget about it. Who cares? 59 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,602 I mean, there's no way to find out who's right anyway. 60 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,808 First person there wins! Doesn't matter how you get there. 61 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,377 Stay sad. I'll be back! 62 00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:58,946 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 63 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,516 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 64 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,390 ** [ Ends ] 65 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,304 ** [ Background: Soft Jazz ] 66 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,806 Hi. Can I see a menu, please? 67 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,575 No rush. 68 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,248 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, I should tell you, 69 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:36,284 Lily really needed a win that day. 70 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:42,656 When Marshall and Lily decided to have a baby, they assumed it would happen right away. 71 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,793 It's gonna be positive. Eriksen men are hella fertile. 72 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,028 When Uncle Morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant... 73 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:51,265 just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car. 74 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:54,268 Now I'm thinking my parents lied to me. 75 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,970 It's negative. 76 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:59,307 [ Ted Narrating ] As the weeks went by, Marshall's confidence never wavered, 77 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,475 and it started to mess with Lily's head. 78 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:07,014 [ Squeaky Cartoon Voice ] Negative? Well, we know it's not me. 79 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,384 Everything's fine. It-It-- These things take time. 80 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,119 Not with an Eriksen. 81 00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:15,155 Somethin' must be wrong with you. 82 00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,725 Also, my mom hates you. 83 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,827 You know what? 84 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,596 Just to make sure, I'm gonna pee on this again. 85 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,465 What? No, you wouldn't! 86 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:28,969 Somebody help me! Somebody help me! 87 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,338 [ Bell Chimes ] 88 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,806 [ Ted Narrating ] Lily was so fed up with not getting anywhere, 89 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,843 maybe winning this race was just what she needed. 90 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,322 Idiot. 91 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:53,827 [ Thinking ] I'll show them. My body can outrun any motorized vehicle. 92 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,930 I'm like John Henry when he beat the steam engine. 93 00:04:56,997 --> 00:05:00,334 All I need is a great folk song. 94 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,807 [ Man: Folk ] * Gather round, ye children * 95 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:09,076 * To hear the tale so sweet * 96 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,412 * Of a man who dared to race machines * 97 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,347 * With nothin' but his feet * 98 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,982 Suck it, gran-bot. 99 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:16,850 * Marshall * 100 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:21,855 * Versus the machines ** Hyah! 101 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,757 Taxi! 102 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,893 [ Squeals ] 103 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,497 Excuse me. I got a thing. 104 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:34,535 Maury... Povich. 105 00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:38,005 [ Conductor On P.A.: Muffled, Indistinct ] 106 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,673 Track maintenance? 107 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,443 [ Man On P.A. Continues, Indistinct ] 108 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:45,379 - Twenty-minute delay? - How do you do that? 109 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,415 I grew up here. I speak conductor. 110 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,350 Damn it! [ Bell Chimes ] 111 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,589 Damn it! 112 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,896 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, I also needed a win that day. 113 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:09,069 A couple nights earlier, your Uncle Marshall had offhandedly mentioned a Web site called-- 114 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:10,804 Grademyteacher.net? 115 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,940 It's this awesome site where students can go say... 116 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,142 what they really think about their professors. 117 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,944 Hey, you're probably on there. 118 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,546 [ Bottle Shatters ] 119 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:22,082 [ Ted Narrating ] I just had to see what my students had written about me, 120 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,552 and it was... 121 00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:28,388 majestic. 122 00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:32,960 Until-- 123 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,564 [ Cup Shatters ] 124 00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,699 Now, kids, I knew I was a good professor. 125 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,734 That's why I didn't let it bother me. 126 00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:44,404 I had nothing to prove. Absolutely nothing. 127 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,306 Here's a fun fact. 128 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,308 See the Alberta building over there? 129 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,611 Oh, the brown one or the gray one? 130 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,946 That's the gray one. Did you know that in eight-- 131 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,815 [ Snoring ] 132 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,524 [ Clears Throat, Gasps ] 133 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,496 [ Gags ] Hurts! 134 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,931 [ Screams ] 135 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,133 I-- [ Growls ] 136 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,135 [ Screeching ] 137 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,171 [ Screams ] 138 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,207 Elizabeth! 139 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,212 [ Waiter ] Somebody call an ambulance! 140 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,780 [ Bell Tinkles ] 141 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,885 Excuse me. I've got a thing. 142 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,387 Hey! That's my cab! Gregor's Steakhouse, downtown. 143 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,923 [ Bell Dings ] 144 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,460 - This is my cab! - [ Robin Screaming ] 145 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:44,231 Downtown Hospital, please. It's right by Gregor's Steakhouse. 146 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,900 Take the F.D.R. and maybe crank up some smooth jazz. 147 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,703 Uh, we're required by law to take you to the nearest hospital, 148 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:52,372 which is St. Luke's-Roosevelt, uptown. 149 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,942 [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, no. 150 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,915 It's my cab! It's my cab! 151 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,687 [ Siren Wailing ] 152 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,789 It's Barney. Help me! 153 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,894 [ Screaming ] 154 00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:15,863 [ Ted Narrating ] Robin also needed a win that day. 155 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:20,000 It had been a rough year for Robin. 156 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:23,537 First, her boyfriend and former cohost, Don, left her for another job. 157 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:26,139 Then Robin met her new cohost, Becky. 158 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,941 Hi! I'm Becky! 159 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:32,012 I am so excited to be your coanchor! [ Laughing ] 160 00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:35,348 Yay! Hi, Becky. My, you're perky. 161 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:39,186 Don't worry. I am not here to step on your toesies. 162 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:41,589 Oh. You're still the star. 163 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,391 I made chocolate chip cookies for everybody! 164 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,159 [ Squeals ] Yay! 165 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:49,663 [ Ted Narrating ] And just like that, Becky started to eclipse Robin. 166 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,799 I mean, literally eclipse her. 167 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:59,172 - [ Screaming ] - It's my cab! Aah! 168 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,142 Keep it. 169 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,716 ** [ Man Vocalizing: Folk ] 170 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,586 - Hello. - Ranjit, take me to Gregor's. 171 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,955 Taking you to Gregor's. 172 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,890 * As Marshall ran with all his might * 173 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:19,593 * And passed his friend Christine * Hey, Christine. 174 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:24,164 * He thought of all the times that he had beaten a machine * 175 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,000 * He triumphed over Pitfall! * Yes! 176 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,369 [ Beeping ] * He vanquished the alarm * 177 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,038 Yes! 178 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,273 * He brought the jukebox back to life * 179 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,709 * With his Fonzarelli arm * Don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it. 180 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,410 [ All Cheering ] 181 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,279 * Marshall * 182 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:43,483 * Versus the machines ** 183 00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:46,319 Ow. Ow. Ow. 184 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:49,056 Last seat. Thank God. 185 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:52,159 I just had the worst cab ride of my life. 186 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,061 Well, you're in luck. 187 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,996 See that gothic church over there? 188 00:09:56,063 --> 00:10:00,100 Those Corinthian columns were designed by Giuseppe Pigato in 1896. 189 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:03,503 Ow. Ow. Ow. 190 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,272 Hey, Ranjit, pull over. 191 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,974 Pulling over. 192 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,644 Hey, toots, how about a ride? 193 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,884 Oh. Hey, Robin. It's you. 194 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,886 [ Male Vocalist ] Hyah! [ Whip Cracks ] 195 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,388 Move along! [ Coyote Howls ] 196 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,691 Hyah! [ Whip Cracks ] 197 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,458 Move along! [ Coyote Howls ] 198 00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:26,860 Hyah! 199 00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,462 See that over there? That's the old Arcadian Hotel. 200 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:33,801 Fun fact. While today its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be-- 201 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:36,369 [ Brakes Screeching ] 202 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:40,774 So, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning? 203 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,642 I'm sorry. I never apologize. 204 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:45,779 - And why would I? - Are you kidding me? 205 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,981 Hey, Barney, can I talk to you? 206 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:51,484 Sure. Stand a little more this way. 207 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:54,855 I'm scouting some talent. Pretend we're talking about something important. 208 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,257 Uh, well, this-- this is something important. 209 00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:01,795 Um, I'm having a-- a really rough time at work. The whole Becky thing. 210 00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:04,097 You know what? That's just getting distracting. 211 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,334 Um, say "carrots and peas." Carrots and peas. Carrots and peas. 212 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,104 Carrots and peas. [ Laughing ] Carrots and peas! 213 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,442 Guys, I can't stop staring at that girl's face. 214 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,045 What, you really had something to talk about? Yes. 215 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,781 I've spent the last six years in this city... 216 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,916 focusing on my career, all for nothing. 217 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:26,519 Some lady almost got me killed. Maury Povich stole my cab. 218 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:31,224 I swear, this city is starting to reject me like a bad organ transplant. 219 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,827 You know, everyone keeps saying that I'm not a real New Yorker. 220 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,629 Well, maybe I should just stop trying. 221 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:40,667 - Robin, I had no idea that-- - No, it's my fault for thinking that you might care. 222 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:43,136 - Ranjit, stop the car. - Stopping the car. 223 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,906 - No, don't stop the car. - Not stopping the car. 224 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,708 - Seriously, stop the car. - Seriously stopping the car. 225 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:51,144 Look, you-- Wait, wait. Robin, hold on. 226 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,580 If you wanna talk, I'm right here. 227 00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,415 [ Scoffs ] Carrots and peas. 228 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,285 Don't-- You-- 229 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,487 [ Sighs ] 230 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,523 I'll crank up the smooth jazz. 231 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,559 ** [ Stereo: Smooth Jazz ] 232 00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:09,062 [ Man ] * Our hero's strength was fadin' fast * 233 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:10,898 * Just as the light * 234 00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:18,806 [ Elongated ] * Turned * 235 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,273 * Green * 236 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,642 * He then thought back to all the times * 237 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:25,612 * He'd lost to a machine * 238 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:28,248 Come on, Playboy Channel. 239 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:31,251 - * The cable box's fearsome bite * - Ow! 240 00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:34,654 * The stapler's mighty sting * Oh! 241 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,656 Come on, Spice Channel. 242 00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:39,459 * The cable box's bite again * 243 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,094 [ Gasping ] 244 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:44,397 * Getting too tired * 245 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,835 * To sing ** 246 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,339 ** [ Smooth Jazz Continues ] 247 00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,109 Uses a hybrid-steel tube structure-- 248 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,478 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, that day I had a horrible realization. 249 00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,381 If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus, 250 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,086 it's you. 251 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,392 Yay! [ All Cheering ] 252 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:15,996 The good news is I was halfway there, and nothing could stop me. 253 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,502 [ Marshall Screams ] [ Lily ] Hey, you-- 254 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:27,007 - This is crazy. - I can't believe it. 255 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:29,409 Okay, this is clearly a sign. 256 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:33,146 Let's just call it a tie, forget about the race, head back to the bar. 257 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,327 [ Ted Narrating ] Just like that, the race was back on. 258 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,162 [ Thuds ] 259 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,198 [ Maury Povich ] Idiot! 260 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,067 [ Ted Narrating ] Meanwhile, one subway car over-- 261 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,371 [ Chuckles ] 262 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:08,348 [ Screaming ] 263 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:14,054 [ Crying ] Oh, God! 264 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,323 [ Bell Dings ] 265 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:21,561 Oh, bite me! [ Crying ] 266 00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,931 [ Bell Dings ] 267 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,366 Faster! Mush! Mush! 268 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:29,069 I need this win. I need this win. 269 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:34,874 And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary. 270 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,978 And this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night. 271 00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,813 And I'm getting more muscular even though I've stopped working out. 272 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,749 And I've got this amazing poker group. 273 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:45,185 [ Ted Narrating ] Actually, Barney did not need a win. 274 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,988 And I smell incredible! 275 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,958 Smell me. Just-- Here. Seriously, smell me. 276 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,729 [ Ted Narrating ] He did smell incredible. 277 00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,666 Stop! Too slow. Switch. 278 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,537 [ Grunting ] 279 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,250 Sweetie? Are you okay? 280 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:21,121 No. I am done with this city. It wins. 281 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:24,324 I just wanna move somewhere new and start over. 282 00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:27,460 [ Sighs ] You've had a rough year. 283 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:31,198 But you're tough, and I love you like crazy. 284 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,433 If-If you left, I'd have to follow you. 285 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,503 And Marshall would follow me. And Ted would follow him. 286 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,506 The only upside is that we might get rid of Barney. 287 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:43,076 Bring it in. 288 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:46,279 [ Conductor On P.A.: Muffled, Indistinct ] 289 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:49,282 What did he say? No clue. 290 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,152 Hey, is that Maury Povich? Where? 291 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,723 [ Bell Chimes ] Hey, Lil-- 292 00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:00,660 Sorry, sweetie. I swear I'll be a great friend at the finish line. 293 00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,796 But the conductor just said you're going express to Borough Hall, 294 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:06,099 which means you're screwed, sweetie! 295 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,601 So long, sucker! Ha, ha, ha! 296 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:12,839 Bring it in. 297 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,707 Damn it! 298 00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,643 Eeh! [ Beeps ] 299 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:19,146 Hey, it's Lily. Help me! 300 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,848 And not a single passenger would listen to me. 301 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,350 I mean, am I a bad teacher? 302 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,952 Do I just put people to sleep? 303 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,155 [ Thudding ] Buddy. 304 00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:31,358 Hey, buddy. Need a hand? 305 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:34,627 [ Screams ] The machines have won! 306 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,431 The machines have won! Dude, mellow! 307 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,302 I can't do it. I can't run that far. 308 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,904 I can't outrace anything. 309 00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:48,475 I-I can't-- I can't get my wife pregnant! 310 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,515 Wait. Is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about? 311 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,884 My body's been letting me down, 312 00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:01,354 and I just wanted to prove that it could still do something, but it can't. 313 00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:04,124 Dude, you've been trying for two months, not two years. 314 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,393 - That's nothing. - Well, you should talk. 315 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,829 You know, you're the one who's freakin' out because you have one mediocre review... 316 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,364 and, like, 50 great ones. 317 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,100 Sixty-four, but whatever. 318 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,736 And you're designing a frickin' building. I mean, come on, dude. 319 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:20,340 Sounds like you guys need to clear everything, 320 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,509 subtract the negativity... 321 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,044 and add some perspective. 322 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:32,352 Marshall! Marshall, get in. 323 00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:33,820 Hello. 324 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,269 [ Groaning ] 325 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,771 Ugh. There it is. 326 00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:54,674 - Where are Marshall and Lily? - Who cares? 327 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,345 [ Grunting ] 328 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:21,000 [ Gasping ] I won? I won! 329 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,002 - No! - I really won? 330 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:26,173 How did that even happen? [ Ted Narrating ] Here's how it happened. 331 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,175 Okay, he's in. Go. Go. Gun it. What? 332 00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,742 - Ted is in the way. - Run him over. 333 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,479 - Running him over. - Lily, what the hell is the matter with you? 334 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:35,482 Nothing. I just wanna win this really badly. 335 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:40,187 So badly that I just ditched my best friend when she needed me. 336 00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:43,690 Oh, baby, you were also gonna run over Ted. 337 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,959 [ Exhales ] Why did I get so crazy about this? 338 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:50,163 Maybe for the same reason that I kept saying that I could run seven miles. 339 00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:54,867 I-- I'm trying to be really, um, confident and positive about all this, 340 00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:58,037 but, baby, I'm really scared that we're not pregnant yet. 341 00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:01,841 Oh, thank God. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. 342 00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:04,477 I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. It's only been two months. 343 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,779 We are crazy! We're totally crazy. 344 00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,382 This is the last time it's ever gonna be just the two of us. 345 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,484 Shouldn't we be enjoying that? 346 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:14,187 - We gotta go back to Paris. - And take ballroom dancing. 347 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,624 And really learn how to ski. Not just go up and get faced in the lodge. 348 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:20,293 And see Coney Island. I've still never been. 349 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,730 See, we have a whole bucket list of things to do before we start having kids. 350 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:26,366 Ooh. A cradle list. 351 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,602 I'm so glad we're trying, 352 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,272 and I'm gonna be really excited for when it happens, 353 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,607 but this isn't a race. 354 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,977 This isn't a race. 355 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:41,948 Ranjit, screw Gregor's. Let's go to Coney Island. 356 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,916 Screwing Gregor's. 357 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:46,052 Going to Coney Island. 358 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:48,421 [ Ted Narrating ] As for how Robin beat me and Barney, 359 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,291 to this day, your Uncle Barney won't admit it-- 360 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,125 Who cares? but here's what I saw. 361 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,263 I saw Barney notice Robin's face... 362 00:19:57,129 --> 00:19:59,098 and maybe realize something. 363 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:01,200 Barney says he tripped, 364 00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:03,670 but it sure felt like he tackled me on purpose. 365 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,174 And when Robin won, I could've sworn I saw him smile. 366 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,610 I won! No! 367 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:13,580 So I said the cab, of course, because that makes complete-- 368 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,283 [ Max ] Sure. I know what you did back there. 369 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:19,519 Yeah. 370 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:23,423 Check it. I just drove a pedicab 26 blocks, 371 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:25,858 and I still smell incredible. 372 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,760 Smell me. [ Murmurs ] 373 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,729 Smell me. [ Sniffs ] 374 00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,798 [ Ted Narrating ] He did smell incredible. 375 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:34,601 Wait a minute. So, where's Woody Allen? 376 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,737 He's right there. 377 00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:42,442 [ No Audible Dialogue ] Damn it, Max! That's Maury Povich! 378 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,777 I always get those two confused. 379 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,279 [ Laughing ] 380 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,549 [ Ted Narrating ] Technically, there was only one winner that day, 381 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,819 but, in that race, everyone found exactly what they needed. 382 00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:55,888 It's true-- she wouldn't see Woody Allen for another couple months, 383 00:20:55,955 --> 00:21:00,360 but that's how Robin became, by just about any definition of the term-- 384 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:03,029 [ Bell Dings ] 385 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,931 a real New Yorker.