1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,605 So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo. 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,808 The bonobo chimps start giving us a standing "O." 3 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:11,112 And just when I'm about to give her the same thing-- what up-- 4 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,680 I-I-- [ Sighs ] 5 00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,917 I can't. I just-- I can't. 6 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,120 Guys, I know you count the minutes... 7 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:22,956 until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is. 8 00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:24,592 And I love doing that for you. 9 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,628 But I just can't tonight. 10 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,731 - What's wrong? - I don't wanna talk about it. 11 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,101 Okay. Hey, you guys see Deadliest Catch last night? 12 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:35,136 - Did I ever! - [ Exclaiming ] 13 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,604 All right! I'll tell you. 14 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,674 My mother is selling the house I grew up in. 15 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:44,112 All of my childhood memories gone-- [ Snaps Fingers ] just like that. 16 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,714 That sucks. I've been there, buddy. 17 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:49,850 What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in. 18 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,120 With her new hippie husband Clint. 19 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,156 The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room... 20 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:58,259 into what I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. 21 00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,828 With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music, 22 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:04,198 it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback. 23 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,000 Anyway, I need you guys... 24 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:10,404 to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up. 25 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,539 [ Laughs ] 26 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,108 You expect us to spend a whole day... 27 00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,643 packing up your mom's house? 28 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,646 No, of course not. It's a two-day job. 29 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,714 Uh, pass. Same. 30 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,683 Unsubscribe. 31 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,818 [ Laughing ] 32 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,820 You guys are adorable. 33 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:30,124 You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? 34 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,794 - I got the queen to give me a fist bump. - No one believes that story. 35 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:38,132 You may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want, 36 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,168 but it's not gonna work on us. 37 00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,536 [ Sighs ] 38 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,037 Mmm. 39 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:46,274 [ Knuckles Crack ] 40 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,975 [ Clears Throat ] 41 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,777 How did he do that? 42 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:53,481 ** [ Upbeat Pop ] 43 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,850 ** [ Man Vocalizing ] 44 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,924 ** [ Ends ] 45 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,261 [ Ted Narrating ] So there we were, helping Barney pack up his childhood home. 46 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:10,398 Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing's way too big to fit in that box. 47 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:13,367 - Yeah, that's what your mom said. - How dare you! 48 00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:15,536 No, she actually said that. 49 00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,839 Oh, dear. I thought I told you that's just not gonna fit in there. 50 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,208 Oh. 51 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,276 Someone order something tall, dark and awesome? 52 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,712 Hey. Bro! 53 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,113 How you doin'? 54 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,981 Hey. Oh, my goodness. 55 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,318 - Mama. - Look at my two sons. 56 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,220 So big and strong and handsome. 57 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,488 Uh, Mom. Stop. 58 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,624 And how is my delicious little grandson? 59 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,193 Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him? Check it. 60 00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,395 Huh? Oh! Ah! 61 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,397 How cute is that, right? 62 00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:45,266 When was the last time you saw... 63 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:47,335 a diaper poking out of a Dolce & Gabbana suit? 64 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,570 Tuesday, at work. 65 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,539 Some of the senior partners are really getting up there. 66 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,776 So, Ted, yesterday at work, 67 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,312 I totally talked you up to that super-hot make-up girl Liz. 68 00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,147 Oh, yeah? What'd you say? 69 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,982 Oh, you know, how funny you are. 70 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,217 Guilty. Handsome. 71 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,652 Who, me? 72 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,019 Incredible lover. [ Chuckles ] 73 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,021 Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 74 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,423 I was all, like, 75 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:12,159 he knows a woman's body better than she knows her own. 76 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,027 Endless waves of pleasure... 77 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:17,598 just cresting and breaking for hours and hours, blah, blah, blah. 78 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:21,068 Orgasms so intense you just black out. 79 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,603 All that stuff. 80 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:26,307 Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review? 81 00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:27,941 What? You know what you're doing down there. 82 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,978 Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this. 83 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,514 But that is not the point. 84 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,817 You broke the first rule of setting people up-- undersell. 85 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,287 It's like if someone's never seen The Karate Kid, 86 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,221 you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever." 87 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,790 You say, "Uh, it's pretty good." 88 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:45,092 And then they see it, and it blows their freakin' mind. 89 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:48,161 'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's all, like, "Sweep the leg!" 90 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:51,799 And Daniel-san's all, like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh." 91 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:54,302 [ Imitating Martial Arts Sound Effects ] 92 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,742 Maybe I did oversell you a bit. 93 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:04,945 [ James ] Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff. 94 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,482 Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson. 95 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,751 Hmm. [ Lily ] Hey, look at this. 96 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,454 [ Imitating Baby Talk ] Who was a cute little basketball player... 97 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,524 before he became the biggest pervert in the world? 98 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:19,293 [ Chuckling ] I loved pee-wee basketball. 99 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:22,029 Well, until they kicked me off the team. 100 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,831 [ Barney ] I was so awesome, 101 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:27,535 the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids. 102 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:31,605 [ Crowd Cheering ] 103 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,907 That sounds plausible. 104 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,343 Hey, it's true. 105 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,877 Tell 'em, James. 106 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,313 Oh, yeah. He had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. 107 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:42,082 He would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside. 108 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,951 He sucked. 109 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:47,220 Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better. 110 00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:48,756 Oh, my God. Look at this. 111 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,825 My letter from the postmaster general. 112 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,728 I still can't believe he took the time to write this. 113 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,296 "Dear Barney"-- 114 00:04:56,330 --> 00:05:00,401 "I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations... 115 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,504 you sent out to your eighth birthday party. 116 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:07,074 That's why none of your classmates showed up. 117 00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:11,479 Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the planetarium. 118 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,582 Ah, no one even noticed that. 119 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:19,520 Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore, 120 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,523 and, with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning, 121 00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:26,427 she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. 122 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:29,697 Love, Postmaster General." 123 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,000 [ Laughing ] 124 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,635 Thank you! 125 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,939 - Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot? - Constantly. 126 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:42,275 I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others. 127 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,311 Mom, who's my dad? [ TV: Applause ] 128 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:48,582 All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine? 129 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,619 I don't know. That guy. 130 00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,787 Uh, you've all heard about-- 131 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,725 Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too? 132 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,859 No, no, no. 133 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,829 I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, 134 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,765 James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. 135 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,900 [ Laughing ] The list goes on. 136 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:10,203 I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. 137 00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:14,475 And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. 138 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,744 Not me. I caught on early. 139 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,011 Careful! 140 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,414 Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th-- 141 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:22,683 Damn. 142 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:28,689 Wow. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids. 143 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,624 Well, she's not alone. 144 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,526 Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, 145 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,595 his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick"... 146 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:37,030 and give him cough medicine until he passed out. 147 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,634 I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. 148 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:43,070 I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped. 149 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:48,609 And then there's the most popular parental lie in history-- Santa. 150 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,310 Yeah, but that's a good lie. 151 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:53,280 Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down. 152 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,782 I always find that reassuring. 153 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,416 You wi meet her, buddy. Ya think so? 154 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:57,885 Yeah. 155 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,623 [ Lily ] Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids. 156 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,658 Baby, it's Santa. 157 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:09,162 Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, 158 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,799 their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, 159 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:15,969 knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy... 160 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,439 and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him? 161 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,943 Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota? 162 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,445 Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m... 163 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:29,082 when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies-- a sugar crash. 164 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,751 No, Santa needs protein. 165 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,953 I'm not lying to our kids. 166 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:36,490 Ah, valentines-- the second base of third grade. 167 00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:40,293 I always got a valentine from every single girl in my class. 168 00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:43,897 Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting... 169 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,834 as the postmaster general, Mom... 170 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:50,971 and home run king "Frank" Aaron. 171 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,774 Yeah, schoolgirls. 172 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,109 The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, 173 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,278 lock you in the coatroom over winter break, 174 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,147 the more they secretly like you. 175 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,785 This isn't-- Who's Sam Gibbs? 176 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,486 No idea. Why? Oh. 177 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,956 Mom addressed this and never sent it. 178 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,524 What's in it? 179 00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,993 I-- 180 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:18,966 Hey, it's a picture of you and me when we were little kids. 181 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:24,504 On the back, Mom wrote "Your son." 182 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,579 Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. 183 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,246 Who wants sloppy joes? 184 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,549 Mom, who's Sam Gibbs? 185 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,917 [ Shrieking Gasp ] 186 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,351 That doesn't sound familiar. 187 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,253 Who wants sloppy joes? 188 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,656 There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. 189 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,625 And you wrote "Your son" on the back. 190 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:48,261 Oh, no, that-- It says "Yourson." 191 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:49,863 For Yourson, North Dakota. 192 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,065 That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. 193 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:56,937 We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. 194 00:08:56,970 --> 00:09:01,809 Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. 195 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,344 I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. 196 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,681 Now, how about those sloppy joes? 197 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:12,019 If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background? 198 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,954 I don't know! 199 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,824 I did my best as a single parent, 200 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,491 and it wasn't always easy. 201 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,961 And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. 202 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,863 Because it's delicious. That's why! 203 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,500 Can you believe her? 204 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,603 I know. 205 00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:31,639 Forgetting to send the photo. 206 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,641 That poor sculptor had to work from memory. 207 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,542 Those statues probably look nothing like us. 208 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,345 Damn it, Mom! 209 00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,913 So, Ted. Hmm? 210 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,416 You were worried that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it. 211 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,452 - How? - I sent her another e-mail. 212 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:49,556 "Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to oversell Ted. 213 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,860 The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down-to-earth guy, 214 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:55,195 and I think you two would really hit it off." 215 00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:58,031 Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. That totally takes the pressure off. 216 00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,333 "Is he gonna rock your world in bed? No. 217 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:05,438 But he's clean, open to criticism and not into anything too weird. 218 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,374 He's not bad at all. 219 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,610 Not bad at all." See, now you went too far in the other direction. 220 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,546 "I'll be honest, the first few times aren't gonna be that great. 221 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:17,117 He's gonna say 'Are you finished?' more times than a waiter at a busy restaurant." 222 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,451 Stop! 223 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:21,021 Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota. 224 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,724 Mom-- And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor. 225 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,726 He might be one of our fathers. 226 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,861 He's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker. 227 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:32,032 Barney, you've gotta stop livin' in these fairy tales that Mom told us. 228 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:34,534 Bob Barker is not your father. 229 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,469 Sam Gibbs might be. 230 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:41,074 But Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father! 231 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,214 I suppose you have a problem with the Easter Bunny too. Not now. 232 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,616 This address isn't too far. 233 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,351 Are you comin' with me or not? 234 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,654 [ Barney ] So we're doing this? 235 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,758 We're really gonna go disturb the peaceful Long Island retirement... 236 00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:01,929 of the former mayor of Yourson, North Dakota, on a Sunday afternoon. 237 00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,964 Real classy, James. Real classy. 238 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,833 You're just too scared to face the truth. 239 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,035 You are living in a dream world. 240 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,908 Maybe we shouldn't have brought these sloppy joes. 241 00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,944 Hey, what's done is done. 242 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:21,048 "Ted Mosby is solid as a rock." 243 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,616 - Mmm. - No. Dependable. 244 00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:27,454 No. Rugged. No-- 245 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:30,724 Why don't I just go to the Chevy Web site and copy down adjectives? 246 00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,960 I just wanna hit that perfect middle ground. 247 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,796 How about we just go wildly to both extremes... 248 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,198 and just let them balance each other out? 249 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,334 "Ted Mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent, 250 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:45,072 and really rich, but lacks bladder control." 251 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,940 [ Beeps ] 252 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,876 - Oh, damn. - What? 253 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,311 - That last bump just made me hit "send." - No, no. 254 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:54,047 Don't worry. I'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke. 255 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,783 No, they won't. They're gonna think-- 256 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,484 Wait. "Everyone"? 257 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,753 [ All Laughing ] 258 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,989 "Really rich"? 259 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:08,595 You ready for this? For what? 260 00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:11,899 I don't know who lives here, but it's not my dad. [ Chuckles ] 261 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,270 Wait, wait. 262 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:19,907 Please stop. 263 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,308 Just give me a second. Okay? 264 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,211 - I thought you said that he wa-- - Stop. Come on. 265 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:29,082 I know Bob Barker's not really, you know-- I'm not crazy. 266 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,517 I just-- 267 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,053 I needed that. 268 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:38,058 I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't always feel so great about myself growing up, 269 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,928 and so having a celebrity dad made me feel special. 270 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,296 But you're right, James. 271 00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,900 It's time to let go of the fantasies. 272 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,502 It's time to grow up. 273 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,539 Come here. [ Sniffles ] 274 00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,980 [ Exhales ] 275 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,082 [ Doorbell Rings ] 276 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,890 Can I help you? 277 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,960 Yeah, um-- 278 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,928 You're Sam Gibbs? Yes. 279 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,598 I'm James Stinson. 280 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:22,936 And, uh, I think you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson, 281 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,905 in the '70s. 282 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:27,707 Loretta. [ Chuckling ] 283 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:31,945 Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I-I knew Loretta. 284 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:35,548 My mother meant to send you this. 285 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,060 You're my son. 286 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,400 [ Laughing ] 287 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:01,508 God, this must be so hard for Barney. 288 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,877 Yeah, but you know what? He took a big step today. 289 00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,979 Papa! 290 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,716 [ Laughing ] 291 00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:11,018 Uh-oh. 292 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,092 [ Laughing ] Look at us! 293 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:22,095 It's like three of the same guy. 294 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,464 Oh, my God. 295 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,367 This explains why I was always so awesome at basketball. 296 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,102 Guys, I'm black. 297 00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:32,139 Sorry. African-American. 298 00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,707 No. I'm allowed to say either. 299 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,443 I gotta go get my camera! 300 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,279 That is my younger brother, Barney. 301 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:44,251 He just thought he'd meet his real dad today, and clearly he's not taking it so well. 302 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,353 Well, my head's kind of spinning too. 303 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,889 I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other for a couple of months. 304 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,225 You were two before I even knew you existed. 305 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:57,897 And at that point, your mother made it very clear she was gonna raise you on her own. 306 00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,000 I felt I had to respect her wishes. 307 00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,435 But I always wanted to meet you. 308 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,705 Wait, Barney and James are two years apart. 309 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:10,377 If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be Barney's father. 310 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:14,381 He's also quite the detective. 311 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:20,920 Don't worry. We'll, uh-- We'll snap Barney out of this when he gets back. 312 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,957 Or, uh, we could just let him have this one. 313 00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:27,294 Are you kidding? Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home. 314 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,562 He finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad. 315 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,399 And then he watched James meet his real father. 316 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,435 It's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. 317 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:38,738 Can't we just let the guy be black for a day? 318 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,607 Here, Ted! Capture the moment! 319 00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,443 I think you'd need Salvador Dali... 320 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,079 to capture this particular moment, but I'll give it a whirl. 321 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,450 Man, I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian, 322 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:54,454 but in truth I'm a really light-skinned African-American. 323 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,557 Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan. 324 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,226 Am I right? 325 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:02,129 Nope. No one's stoppin' for this. 326 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,965 These guys don't understand what I'm talkin' about. 327 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,467 [ Ted Narrating ] During that afternoon, 328 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:11,538 Sam and James began to discover how much they had in common. 329 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:15,842 ** [ Piano ] * When the night has come 330 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,177 Mmm. 331 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,478 * Oh, and the land is dark 332 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,247 Come on, you know this. Come on. 333 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,881 * And the moon * The moon 334 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,983 * Is the only 335 00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,252 [ Together ] * Light we'll see 336 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:28,221 * Light we'll see Light we'll see * 337 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,157 * Oh, I won't * No, I won't 338 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,259 * Be afraid Hey! Ho! 339 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,527 * Oh, I won't shed a tear * 340 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,029 * No, I won't shed no tear * 341 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:37,964 * Not as long 342 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,033 [ Together ] * As you stand 343 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,069 * Stand by me * Stand by me 344 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,036 There you go. Come on. 345 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,771 * Whenever you're in trouble 346 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,173 * Won't ya stand 347 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:49,442 * Stand by me ** [ Scatting ] 348 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,211 * Stand * Won't you stand by 349 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,046 * Won't you stand by Hey! 350 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,714 * Just stand * 351 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,184 Weird day. Weird day. 352 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,552 [ Cell Phone Chirping ] 353 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,822 Hey, look at that. Liz still wants to meet you. 354 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,325 That's great! Mm-hmm. 355 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,859 I guess. 356 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,495 Wait a minute. 357 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,997 You said Liz was a total 10. 358 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,267 Why would she wanna meet the incontinent freak show you described? 359 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,305 - Um-- - You oversold her. 360 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,507 Maybe a little. You said she was a 10. 361 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,942 I did not specify on what scale. 362 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,511 You said she looked like a movie star. 363 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,679 She does. It's Robert De Niro. 364 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:29,216 But like super buff, like in Cape Fear. 365 00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,052 Dad, look how fast I can run. 366 00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,822 He's actually a really sweet guy, 367 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,790 and he's great with my son. 368 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,292 I have a grandson? 369 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:40,560 Uh-- 370 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,830 His name is Eli. [ Beeps ] 371 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:49,602 He's beautiful. 372 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,205 Dad, you're not looking. 373 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,109 [ Ted Narrating ] Eventually the strangest afternoon of our lives... 374 00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,677 wound to a close, 375 00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,746 and we headed back to Staten Island... 376 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,249 where Barney and his mom had a long-overdue heart-to-heart. 377 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,951 Barney, I need to talk to you. 378 00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,686 Uh, me first. 379 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,322 Mom, there's something that I need to ask you, 380 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,691 and I-- I want you to be honest with me. 381 00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:15,395 [ Sighs ] 382 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,498 Why do white people like Carrot Top? 383 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:25,572 Listen. 384 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,143 I always wanted to be enough for you boys. 385 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,146 I think that's why it always hurt... 386 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,648 whenever you asked about your dads, 387 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:39,986 because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. 388 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,554 But I was being selfish. 389 00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:48,161 You deserve the truth, so here it is. 390 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,630 Sam is not your father. 391 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:53,966 Are you sure? 392 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,768 Yes. 393 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,304 He's black, dear. 394 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:03,776 But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is. 395 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,582 [ Ted Narrating ] And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood... 396 00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,219 more clearly than he ever had before. 397 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,225 I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. He's terrible. 398 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,330 What did Coach say, Ma? 399 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:26,599 He said you're simply too good to be on the team. 400 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,369 It's not fair to the other boys. But that's okay. 401 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,671 We can just play together in the backyard. 402 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,074 Why didn't anyone come? 403 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,176 Oh, you know what, dear? 404 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:40,580 Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail. 405 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,750 I just got this letter from the postmaster general. 406 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,052 "Dear Barney, 407 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:49,856 I sincerely apologize for losing all the invitations... 408 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,892 you sent out to your eighth birthday party." 409 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:11,177 Barney. It's okay, Mom. I don't need it. 410 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,845 But it's your father. 411 00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:16,416 I already have a father. 412 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,319 And his name... 413 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,820 is Loretta. 414 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:27,327 [ Ted Narrating ] Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad, 415 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,662 and it always made him feel incomplete. 416 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:34,434 But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood, 417 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,904 he realized he had one hell of a mom. 418 00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,444 * If the sky 419 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,847 * We look upon * Mmm-mmm-mmm 420 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,383 [ Together ] * Should tumble and fall 421 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,952 [ Through Vocoder: Distorted, Reverberating ] * Or the mountains 422 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,455 * Should crumble 423 00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,325 * To the sea To the sea ** 424 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:01,394 [ Distorted, Reverberating ] Wait, Dad, James. 425 00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,830 Where you goin'? That's the best part. 426 00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,400 Can we go camping?