1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,372 OLDER TED: Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great. 2 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,606 But by the time you reach your 30s, 3 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:09,143 you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage. 4 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,379 Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there, 5 00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:12,546 but sooner or later... 6 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:13,614 (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh! 7 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:18,086 It's my ex. Sorry, we're trying to remain friends. 8 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:20,554 Hi, pumpkin. Did you get our tickets to Maui? 9 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,492 OLDER TED: Yeah, it's there. 10 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,676 That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce. 11 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,445 She was smart, beautiful... 12 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,147 Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together. 13 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,115 But... 14 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,183 Exactly. That's the problem. 15 00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:50,551 Her butt? 16 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,819 What is it, too much? Too little? 17 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,087 Or is it an issue of access? 18 00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,456 (LAUGHS) 19 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,458 No. The but is, there's always gonna be a but. 20 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,460 No matter how great things are going, 21 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,095 sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined. 22 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:02,796 When she turns 30. 23 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:05,633 When I find out what her baggage is. 24 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,301 It's there. I don't know what it is, 25 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,303 but when I do, party's over. 26 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,239 Whoa! 27 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:14,542 Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage. 28 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,110 Baggage is a good thing? 29 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,712 Emotional baggage is the bedrock 30 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,515 of America's most important cultural export. 31 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,151 ALL: Porn. Porn. 32 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:26,354 Actually, it's porn. 33 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,723 Only women with major baggage go into porn. 34 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,659 Major baggage. Major baggage. 35 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,562 Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it. 36 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,865 Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage, 37 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,668 that baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and... 38 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:44,472 Oh, I'm drawing a blank here. How did that work out again? 39 00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,507 OLDER TED: Here's how it worked out. 40 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,909 I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were happy. 41 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,478 But then the day of the wedding, 42 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,845 her karate instructor ex-boyfriend, 43 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:55,149 Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her, 44 00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:57,685 and Stella ran off with him to California, 45 00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,654 leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken. 46 00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,724 Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful. 47 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:06,494 But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable. 48 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,297 Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage. 49 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,898 Mother issues. I do not. 50 00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,700 Grandmother issues. Definitely do not. 51 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:13,634 Great-grandmother issues. 52 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,869 I just don't like it when she picks me up. 53 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,839 And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice. 54 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,808 How is being nice baggage? 55 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:24,478 Have you ever seen you walk down the street? 56 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,679 I don't even know how to answer that. 57 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:26,314 Well, let me help you out. 58 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:32,486 Michael. Javier. Marcello. 59 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,656 Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that. 60 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:41,362 That ought to do it. 61 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,931 Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be... 62 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,266 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 63 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:49,803 (EXHALES FORCEFULLY) 64 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,907 That's normal. 65 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,610 There is only one street where that is normal. 66 00:02:56,644 --> 00:03:00,648 Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it. 67 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:04,452 Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice. 68 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:07,455 Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage. 69 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,657 Best baggage, hates her dad, 70 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,659 and thinks she's fat but isn't. 71 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,461 Angry sex on the first date, 72 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,597 and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone. 73 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,567 Why do you guys hang out with me? 74 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,402 OLDER TED: That night, on my date with Royce, 75 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,571 I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be. 76 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,973 So is spaghetti your specialty? 77 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:29,443 No. The main event is my pancakes. 78 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,912 I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane. 79 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,982 My dad used to make multi-grain pancakes. 80 00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,417 He's the one who got me working in porn. 81 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:43,291 You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition. 82 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,692 It's a charity for inner-city teens 83 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,627 who don't have access to sports or healthy food. 84 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:47,227 (EXHALES IN RELIEF) 85 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:52,333 That reminds me, I killed my brother 86 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:58,005 with this joke I told him last night. 87 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,608 A barber, a stripper and a Jew... 88 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:08,882 ...lliard-trained violinist, walked into a bar. 89 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,018 OLDER TED: I looked and looked and looked, 90 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:15,055 but it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about. 91 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,790 Until we went to go see a movie. 92 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,836 Oh, no. 93 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,904 Hey, what took you guys so long? 94 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:33,307 Nothing. Forget about it. 95 00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,443 We were on our way here, 96 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:39,046 and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van. 97 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,981 To be nice. Didn't cost nothing. 98 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:44,418 And when the moving van drove away, who should show up 99 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,387 but the owner of the apartment 100 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,723 we had just helped some guys rob. 101 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,893 And that one was hard to explain to the police. 102 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,895 See, Marshall, this is what I mean. 103 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,030 You can't treat New York City 104 00:04:57,064 --> 00:05:00,000 like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, 105 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,803 backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville 106 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,572 where you grew up. 107 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,608 Crime-free? Crime-free? 108 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:12,380 In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point. 109 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,815 And besides, I like being friendly, okay? 110 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,584 I'm not gonna change that about myself. 111 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:19,387 No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet. 112 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:22,956 Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God. He's an idiot sometimes. 113 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,726 He actually lent the burglars gas money. 114 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,895 He gave them money? 115 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:31,699 Not gave, lent. They said that they would send us a check, 116 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,768 so Marshall gave them our address. 117 00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:36,937 What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night, 118 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,607 and maybe tying me up? 119 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,976 I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary. 120 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,912 Why don't you say something to him? 121 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,147 (GROANS) What's the point? He's from Minnesota. 122 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,949 His high school mascot was a hug. 123 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,819 Hey, guys. 124 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,987 Hey, how'd the date with Royce go? 125 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,857 It was interesting. We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride. 126 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,892 Oh! How was it? 127 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,662 Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick. 128 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:05,566 This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night, 129 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,100 or 9:40 because I have that meeting, 130 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,402 but I can probably get out of it, 131 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,737 so let's try for the 7:10. 132 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,071 ROBIN: What's that movie about, anyway? 133 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,407 That's the interesting part. 134 00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:16,744 Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley. 135 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:20,414 I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York. 136 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:24,117 I...(SCREAMING) That's gonna leave a mark! 137 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,554 It's about me. 138 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,961 The Wedding Bride is about you? Yeah. 139 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,564 Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs 140 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:37,330 for the first time, I could've sworn... 141 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,967 This movie is about me, Marshall. 142 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,169 It was written by Tony Grafanello. 143 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,505 Tony Grafanello? That's... 144 00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,674 Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for. 145 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,510 This movie is the whole story of our breakup. 146 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,579 (LAUGHS) Why would he write a movie about that? 147 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:52,946 Isn't he the bad guy in that story? 148 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:56,750 Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby. 149 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,052 Funny, that was my memory of it, too. 150 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:02,656 But, according to the movie... 151 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,224 SECRETARY ON INTERCOM: Mr. Mosley, your fiancee is here. 152 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:08,128 Great. The old ball and chain. 153 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,831 I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey 154 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,701 and come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in. 155 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:20,674 Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure? 156 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,976 We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember? 157 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,545 Ouch! 158 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,880 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 159 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:29,983 Whoa! 160 00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:30,918 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 161 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:34,688 (SIGHING) 162 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:35,455 AUDIENCE: Aw! 163 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,726 Well, I am stunned. 164 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:39,660 Right. 165 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,696 That's what passes for comedy these days? 166 00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:45,566 Whoa! "I'm falling back in my chair." 167 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:46,600 (LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) 168 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,268 Whoa. 169 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,136 I'm really falling back in my chair. 170 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,838 LILY: Baby. 171 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,506 MARSHALL: Okay, that was pretty funny. 172 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:56,677 What a jerk. Did he at least get someone hot to play me? 173 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,646 You're not in it. (SIGHING) What a jerk. 174 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,582 No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk, 175 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:04,084 not according to the movie, anyway. 176 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:07,955 I'm going through with this wedding. I'm sorry, Tony. 177 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:11,525 Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about, 178 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:14,928 except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free. 179 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,129 AUDIENCE: Aw! 180 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,566 I love him. 181 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,902 It's not that easy, Tony. 182 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,705 Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, 183 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,074 or as tall as you are... 184 00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:29,743 I'm taller than that guy. 185 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:32,179 ...and our sex life is terrible. 186 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,214 Once he even fell asleep while we were doing it. I mean... 187 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,817 It was one time. I was on cold medicine. 188 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,653 What? Nothing. 189 00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:43,857 This is a terrible movie! And it got everything wrong. 190 00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,560 Remember how I proposed to Stella? 191 00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,996 TED: That spontaneous moment in the arcade. 192 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,665 I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy I won from a crane machine? 193 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:52,332 Oh, that was so sweet. 194 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,934 So romantic. 195 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,136 A little cheesy. 196 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:59,106 Well, here's how it went in the movie. 197 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:03,644 Look, if it'll shut you up, I guess we can get married. 198 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,212 Well, aren't you gonna give me a ring? 199 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:08,148 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 200 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,218 Here. Put this on your finger. 201 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:11,885 Hey! 202 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,289 And remember the two-minute date? 203 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,258 TED: When I squeezed an entire romantic evening 204 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,894 into just two minutes to accommodate Stella's busy schedule? 205 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,863 Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy. 206 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:23,864 That was really nice. 207 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,233 Also, a little cheesy. 208 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:29,202 Well, according to the movie... 209 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:30,971 What about our big romantic weekend? 210 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:34,174 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 211 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:37,878 Alls I got time for is a two-minute date, if you know what I mean. 212 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,046 Sex. 213 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,247 Whoa! 214 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:40,981 (THUDDING) 215 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,816 (ALL LAUGHING) 216 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:45,318 (SIGHING) 217 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,087 AUDIENCE: Aw! 218 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,690 Hey, if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need. 219 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,392 Run tell dat. 220 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:57,164 But the worst, the worst, was the ending. So they're at the wedding... 221 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,399 Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley 222 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,669 to be your lawfully-wedded husband? 223 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:05,806 I... Whoa! Spoilers! 224 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:09,609 Is what I would say if I ever plan on seeing such an awful film. 225 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:11,712 Continue. 226 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,316 So they're at the wedding. 227 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,350 I... Stella! 228 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,088 Tony! Tony? 229 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,857 Something I need to say. 230 00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:29,262 A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl named Stella get away. 231 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,031 And now she's with some jerk 232 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:35,102 who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful, wedding bride. 233 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,237 AUDIENCE: Oh! 234 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:40,841 What is wrong with you people? 235 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:44,244 You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley! 236 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,713 Did he say Ted that time? 237 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,080 (SHUSHING) 238 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:50,383 Stella, I promised to make you my wife. 239 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:53,954 And I'd like to live up to that promise. 240 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:59,426 Oh, Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love. 241 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,128 Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him. 242 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,363 ALL: Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him... 243 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:08,301 Stella, if you still truly love me, 244 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:11,404 can you let me make you my wedding bride? 245 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,443 Can-do's-ville, babydoll. 246 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:23,450 No! No! No! Stop doing that! 247 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:24,852 Daddy! 248 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,888 (GROANS) 249 00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,289 Take that, Ted Mosby. 250 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,726 (ALL LAUGHING) 251 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,028 Okay, he definitely said it that time. 252 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:41,869 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 253 00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:45,806 (SIGHING) 254 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,409 Oh, my God. 255 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:53,981 That was so good! I'm laughing. I'm crying. 256 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:57,317 I know it's all fake, but didn't those seem like real characters? 257 00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,420 It was just so real. 258 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:04,024 Hey, how come you said "oh, no" when the movie started? 259 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,794 OLDER TED: That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me. 260 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:13,500 Oh, uh, no reason. 261 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,769 Ted, I think you need to tell Royce 262 00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:17,871 the story of what happened with you and Stella. 263 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,807 It's gonna come out eventually. 264 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,776 Why? Why does it even have to? 265 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,913 Well, for starters, it's now the fifth highest-grossing movie of all time. 266 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:30,117 I don't care. I don't care. I'm taking this to the grave. 267 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,452 It's a stupid movie, anyway. 268 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,087 Sounds terrible. 269 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,388 My gosh, I would never go and see that film. 270 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,656 (ALL CHATTERING) 271 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,092 OLDER TED: Kids, you know where this is going. 272 00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:42,896 Well, she's made her choice. 273 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,232 Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding. 274 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,467 Oh, you'll go all right. 275 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,370 I'm gonna drive you there myself and make you watch. 276 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,105 (LAUGHING LOUDLY) 277 00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:56,443 Billy, no! The code. 278 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,345 This is exactly how it happened. 279 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,480 He got every part right. 280 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,116 Even that thing with the nunchucks. 281 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,485 OLDER TED: So I was resolved to put The Wedding Bride 282 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,320 as far behind me as possible. 283 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,288 Unfortunately... 284 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,456 Oh! How great was The Wedding Bride? 285 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,091 (BOTH EXCLAIMING) 286 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,559 Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! 287 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,361 We're going to see it again tomorrow. 288 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,595 Ooh! Can we come? Ted, you wanna see it again, right? 289 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,931 Yeah. It was good. 290 00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:21,568 "Good"? Try instant classic. The only thing wrong with it, 291 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:25,272 and I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an otherwise flawless film, 292 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,575 is I just didn't get why Stella would even wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley 293 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:33,413 in the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley. 294 00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:36,383 Come on, Royce. You've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day. 295 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,551 Well, okay. But who hasn't? 296 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:41,188 He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo, 297 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,490 the way he pronounces encyclopedia. 298 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,525 Encyclopaedia. Encyclopaedia. 299 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,460 Totally. Totally. 300 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,562 All right, well, technically, that is the correct... 301 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:53,100 I was so, so happy when that loser got left at the altar, and you know why? 302 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,135 Because he had it coming. Mmm-hmm. 303 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,536 And the great part is he is gonna live 304 00:13:56,569 --> 00:14:01,041 a long, sad life, knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness. 305 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:02,910 Oh! What about when he got beat up by the goat? 306 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,211 (ALL LAUGHING) 307 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,247 So funny. What a loser. 308 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:11,284 Totally! I mean, the guy's life was shattered in a very public humiliation. 309 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:14,254 What a hoot! 310 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,958 And it may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again. 311 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,526 He may be so emotionally traumatized 312 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:22,362 he never fully loves or trusts anyone ever again. 313 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,464 That's hysterical. 314 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,067 Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy. 315 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,905 Ted, are you okay? 316 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,074 Yeah. I just think you all might be interested to learn something about 317 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,077 that movie y'all love so much. 318 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:44,417 It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it. 319 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:49,422 Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology. 320 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,362 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 321 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,365 No-can-do's-ville. 322 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:08,441 You said, "No-can-do's-ville, babydoll"? 323 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:11,278 You actually used Jed Mosley's catchphrase? 324 00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,380 I know. I was just so upset that... 325 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:16,483 How do you know that's his catchphrase? 326 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,951 You said it was his catchphrase. 327 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,652 They dragged me to it. I didn't wanna go. 328 00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,654 I wanted to see Avatar again. All right, that's it. 329 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:24,224 I'm just gonna move to some country where no one's seen The Wedding Bride. 330 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,659 Good luck, Ted. That movie is worldwide. It's huge. 331 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,628 Maybe North Korea. Nope. 332 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:32,365 I read that Kim Jong II said it was his second favorite movie of all time. 333 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:35,668 Right behind a movie of him riding a horse in slow motion through a field of turnips. 334 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,470 Sorry, Ted. You're screwed. 335 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:40,673 No. You know what? No, Ted is not screwed. 336 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,310 All right, do you guys wanna know why I'm nice to everyone? 337 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:46,013 It's because I don't care about baggage. 338 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,315 I mean, most people, they see another person walking down the street 339 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,251 with that big heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by. 340 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,520 But not me. I look at them, and I say... 341 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:57,390 I say, "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?" 342 00:15:57,424 --> 00:16:01,228 And you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby. 343 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:05,765 A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things. 344 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:09,736 And you know what, Ted? I believe that deep down, you're still that guy. 345 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,672 I am still that guy. 346 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,507 I think you wanna go out there and get that girl. 347 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,009 I do wanna go out there and get that girl. 348 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,677 Because she's the love of your life! 349 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,446 Because she's... 350 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,281 Well, okay, let's... We're three dates in. She seems nice. 351 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,782 Because she seems nice! 352 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,252 She does seem nice! 353 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,587 You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her. 354 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,224 And I know exactly where she is. 355 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:38,331 The wedding's in 15 minutes. I'll never make it. 356 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,533 You can do it, sensei. 357 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:45,238 Go give love a roundhouse kick right in the heart. 358 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:46,539 You're right. What am I doing? 359 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,076 There's still time. 360 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,363 MINISTER: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley 361 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,464 to be your lawfully-wedded husband? 362 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,834 STELLA: I... 363 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,137 (CLEARING THROAT) 364 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,171 Royce? Stella? 365 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,373 Ted? Tony! 366 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,708 Tony? Ted? 367 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:22,842 Barney? 368 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,477 (SLURPING) 369 00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,379 Something I need to say. 370 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,215 Look, there's something I need to say. 371 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,150 A long time ago... A long time ago, 372 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,119 I let a horrible girl named Stella... 373 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,019 ...I let this beautiful girl named Stella... 374 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,788 ...break my heart. ...get away. 375 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,524 And now she's with some jerk... And now she's with this jerk 376 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,591 who wrote a movie about it and... 377 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:39,592 ...who doesn't appreciate what he has 378 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,627 in this beautiful, wedding bride. 379 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,762 ...that movie is called The Wedding Bride. 380 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,297 What are you saying? 381 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:46,199 JED: You can't talk to me like that. 382 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,136 I'm Jed Mosley! I'm Jed Mosley. But, Royce... 383 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,303 TONY: This girl in the white wedding dress... 384 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:51,504 ...this doofus in the red cowboy boots, 385 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,839 this isn't me. TONY: ...this isn't you. 386 00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:54,341 So, just to be clear, 387 00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,708 are you saying that you don't have a pair 388 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,144 of red cowboy boots in your closet? 389 00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:58,878 Barney, what... 390 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,148 Well, I just wanted... I mean, that's... Everyone wants to know. 391 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,715 They're actually more of a burgundy. 392 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:05,885 Royce... Stella, 393 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:06,753 I promised to make you my wife. 394 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,688 ...I promised to make you some pancakes. 395 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:10,557 And I'd like to live up to that promise. 396 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,792 And I'd like to live up to that promise. 397 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:13,860 STELLA: Tony, all I've wanted all my life... 398 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,795 Ted, all I've wanted all week... 399 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:20,467 STELLA: ...was your love. ...was some pancakes. 400 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,702 MINISTER: Go on, honey. Kiss him. Go on, honey. Kiss him. 401 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,437 GUESTS: Kiss him, kiss him... Kiss him, kiss him... 402 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:25,872 OLDER TED: Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss." 403 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:29,609 Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him! 404 00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,578 OLDER TED: Still not saying "kiss." 405 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,247 Sir, you need to leave, now! 406 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,916 This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you? 407 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,785 Stella, if you still truly love me... 408 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,422 Royce, if you still kind of like me... 409 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,858 ...can you let me make you my wedding bride? 410 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,594 ...can you let me make you some pancakes? 411 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,465 Can-do's-ville, babydoll. STELLA: Can-do's-ville, babydoll. 412 00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:57,904 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 413 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,609 JED: No! No! No! Stop doing that! 414 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,212 Kiss this. Kissing movie's over, anyway. 415 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,413 Sir! 416 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:07,380 BARNEY: Oh. Oops, oops! 417 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,625 Hey, 418 00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,263 that stuff that happened to me, 419 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:26,333 it was pretty rough. I'm still getting over it. 420 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,701 Let me help you with that. 421 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,906 OLDER TED: And just like that, kids, 422 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,310 my baggage didn't seem quite so heavy anymore. 423 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,812 You see, everyone's got some baggage. It's part of life. 424 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:42,349 But like anything else, 425 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:43,383 it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it. 426 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:53,860 Wow, it feels so good to have told you all that stuff about me. 427 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:56,529 I'm really glad I can open up to you. 428 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:59,532 Ted, it's not that big of a deal. 429 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:00,800 Heck, I've been left at the altar. 430 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,671 Three times. 431 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,476 The last time was because I blew all our money on online poker. 432 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,913 That's why I live with my brother now. 433 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,650 Wait, I thought you said you had a tiny studio apartment. 434 00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:20,853 Yup, just the two of us. You should see how he hogs the covers. 435 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:21,554 (GROANS) 436 00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:27,760 Yeah, you gotta go.