1
00:00:01,069 --> 00:00:02,870
(ALL CHATTERING)

2
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:04,272
Guess what I've got
behind my back.

3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,208
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I got this one, left.

4
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:09,243
Wrong game.
But correct.

5
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:13,547
Five front row tickets
to Robots vs. Wrestlers.

6
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:14,648
Robots vs. Wrestlers?

7
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,517
That is awesome!

8
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,519
You've heard of
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Never!

9
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:22,423
But we assume it's some sort
of sporting event that pits
robots against wrestlers.

10
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:25,093
That's exactly what it is,
according to the Web site!

11
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,627
(MARSHALL CHEERING)

12
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:31,832
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the fifth ticket for?

13
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:35,503
Uh, Robin.
I know, she moved in
with her boyfriend,

14
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,438
and said she doesn't wanna
hang out with us anymore.

15
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,940
But this is
Robots vs. Wrestlers.

16
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,744
Robots vs. Wrestlers!

17
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:47,014
Barney is right.
It's impossible
to say no to that.

18
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,582
No to that.

19
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,584
I wish I could,
but I have plans
with Don on Saturday.

20
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,186
He's making me Chinese.

21
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:53,587
I'll assume you're
talking about food.

22
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,124
Otherwise, I have some
follow-up questions.

23
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,527
I'm sorry, Lily,
but I gotta give this
thing with Don a chance.

24
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,763
And I can't do that if I'm
out drinking with you guys
every single night,

25
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:05,299
especially when
"you guys" includes
two of my ex-boyfriends.

26
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,568
I understand.
You're right.

27
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,571
It's just we all
really miss you.

28
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:16,610
Oh, I miss you, too.
Listen, I gotta go.
Talk soon. Okay. Bye.

29
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:19,247
Sorry, New York.
I had to take that.
Now, where were we?

30
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,715
Yeah, yes, bus crash.

31
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:26,019
She said no?
How could she say no?

32
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:29,457
Robots vs. Wrestlers
is our most important
tradition as a group!

33
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,925
Tradition? We've never
done this before.

34
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,395
It's Robots
vs. Wrestlers, Lily.

35
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:36,597
How is that not
gonna be a tradition?

36
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:39,500
Well, this is
how it starts.

37
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,435
First Robin moves in
with Don,

38
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,036
then Marshall and
Lily have a baby,

39
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,173
then Ted...
Gets married.

40
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:49,042
I was gonna say is found
alone in his apartment,
devoured by his cats,

41
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,379
but either way,
not pretty.

42
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,914
Everyone's leaving me
and I don't like it!

43
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:56,984
Oh, Barney, you don't have
to worry about Marshall
and me having kids.

44
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,852
That's a long way
down the road.

45
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,455
Exactly.
It's down the road,
a medium way.

46
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,957
A medium long way.

47
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,593
I mean,
you can see it ahead.

48
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,728
In the vast,
vast distance.

49
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,463
But you're already
seeing exit signs for it.

50
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,631
Really?
I didn't see any.

51
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,034
You might wanna get
in the right lane.

52
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:17,137
I understand
how you feel, Barney.
Friendships are important.

53
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:22,009
In fact, Emerson
wrote a great poem
entitled Friendship.

54
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,744
You guys are
gonna love this.

55
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:27,147
"A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs"

56
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,282
(BARNEY MAKES
FARTING NOISE)

57
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,083
(BOTH LAUGHING)

58
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,152
OLDER TED: That's how
it had always been
for me with the gang.

59
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,388
Any time I tried to get
a little high-minded...

60
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:37,325
You guys,
you gotta try this Syrah.

61
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:40,928
Hints of creme de cassis,
red berries, toasty oak...

62
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,029
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

63
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,497
(ALL LAUGHING)

64
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,966
Hmm.

65
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:49,370
Five letters,
blank baritone.

66
00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:51,405
Of course.
"Lyric" baritone,

67
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:54,642
which is actually higher
than a dramatic baritone.

68
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,977
You know, there's a telling
moment in the second act
of La Boheme...

69
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,011
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

70
00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:00,047
(MARSHALL LAUGHING)

71
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:03,484
Guys, come on. I'm just
trying to add a little class
to these proceedings.

72
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,486
It's like that line
from Dante's Inferno.

73
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,987
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
(BOTH LAUGHING)

74
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:10,157
"Consider your origins.
You were not born
to live like brutes.

75
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,092
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

76
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,161
"But to follow
virtue and knowledge."

77
00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:16,163
(MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE)

78
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:18,699
Or, in the
original Italian...

79
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:19,967
(ALL GROANING)

80
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,236
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

81
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,637
(ALL MAKING FARTING NOISES)

82
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:40,421
You guys are right.

83
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:43,291
I'm totally overreacting
to this whole Robin thing.

84
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:44,858
What's this envelope?
Is this a wedding invitation?

85
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,960
Robin's marrying Don!
I'm gonna die alone!

86
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,330
Ted's gonna get
eaten by cats!

87
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,599
Dude, relax.
It's for Marissa Heller.

88
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,402
Marissa Heller?
She sounds hot.

89
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,804
Face, boobs, describe.
Start with boobs.

90
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,206
OLDER TED:
Who was Marissa Heller?

91
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:02,376
That mystery began
when Marshall and I
first moved in together.

92
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:05,245
Ted, we got our first
mail delivery!

93
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,415
We are popular.

94
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:11,552
We've got a golf magazine
for Marissa Heller.

95
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:15,789
We got a wicker
furniture catalog,
also for Marissa Heller.

96
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:20,193
And a coupon for a bird store
addressed to Marissa Heller,

97
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,262
or, stay with me,

98
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,232
"current occupant."
That's us! We've got mail!

99
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,735
Fantastic!

100
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,638
Marissa Heller?
She must be the woman
who lived here before us.

101
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,374
I wonder what
she was like.

102
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,675
OLDER TED:
And just like that,

103
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,377
a picture began
to take shape.

104
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,145
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

105
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,548
A picture of Marissa Heller,
the golfer.

106
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,486
Marissa Heller,
the wicker catalog shopper.

107
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,790
And Marissa Heller,
the bird owner.

108
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,294
And since then,
with each piece of
mail we've gotten,

109
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,597
the picture's become
a little clearer.

110
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,232
The only thing
we don't know is
what she looks like.

111
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,602
Well, I guess I'll forward
this along like I've been
forwarding along

112
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,537
all the other... Okay.
Oh, just open it.

113
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,841
It's an invitation to

114
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,744
Jefferson Van Smoot's
Annual Spring Social
this Saturday night,

115
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,780
in the penthouse apartment
of the Alberta!

116
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,416
You guys, that's the most
beautiful building
in Manhattan.

117
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,017
We gotta go
to this party.

118
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,186
That depends.
Does it say anything
on that invitation

119
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,289
about robots
battling wrestlers for
intergalactic supremacy?

120
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:23,657
No. But it says
open bar.

121
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:26,226
Revised agenda
for Saturday night.

122
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:30,197
Free booze at
Marissa Heller's party,
then Robots vs. Wrestlers.

123
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:33,534
One of us just needs
to pretend to be
Marissa Heller.

124
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,807
(LAUGHS) Oh, guys, I'm
flattered. But I think
Lily should do it.

125
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,910
OLDER TED:
So the big night arrived.

126
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:46,580
Our first stop,
the Alberta building.

127
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:49,483
Wow! This building
is amazing!

128
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,618
Did you guys see
the porte cochere

129
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,119
and the terra cotta
spandrels outside?

130
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,254
Oh, my God!
Look, I just got
a text from Robin.

131
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,556
It says...

132
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:56,724
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

133
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,260
Okay, guys,
huddle up.

134
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:01,895
Now, Lil,
you can do this.

135
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,797
All you do is look
that guy in the eyes,

136
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,799
say your name
is Marissa Heller,
and we are golden.

137
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,469
And again, just so
we're clear, no accent.

138
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:11,004
Are we sure she's
not British, innit?

139
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,272
ALL: No!
No!

140
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:14,007
All right. Here I go.
I'm doing this.

141
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,877
Hi.
Hello.

142
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,912
Sorry. Go ahead.

143
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:23,484
I'm here for
the Van Smoot party.
My name is Marissa Heller.

144
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:25,853
Bollocks.

145
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:34,762
So that's
Marissa Heller, huh.

146
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,864
She fine.

147
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,567
Her teeth look
really nice.

148
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,301
She must be remembering
to go to the dentist

149
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,203
even without those
reminder postcards.

150
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,572
So, what are we doing?

151
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,740
I'm getting us
into the party,
that's what.

152
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,878
Marissa Heller!
Barney Stinson.

153
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:54,448
We met at that
gathering for
bird owners.

154
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,250
I don't think so.

155
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:58,351
Wicker lovers?
No.

156
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,520
Stinson out.

157
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,321
Guys, it's not
gonna happen.

158
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,523
I got this.

159
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,128
You know, this
elevator still uses
the same mechanism

160
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,864
from when it was
first installed
in 1906.

161
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,332
Rumor is,

162
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,401
Louis Lamar Skullnick,
the architect who
designed this building,

163
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,236
carved these
panels himself.

164
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,472
Oh! A Skullnick fan?
Well...

165
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:22,042
I love his juxtaposition
between the North German
Renaissance exterior...

166
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,978
And the decidedly
French influence on
the inside. I know!

167
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:28,181
He was an architect
with the soul
of a poet, really.

168
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,684
No, no, no,
don't, don't.
It's working.

169
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:34,822
You know,
I have a confession to make.
We're not on the guest list.

170
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,124
But I've always wanted
to see the inside
of the Alberta.

171
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,826
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

172
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,194
Well, then,
right this way.
We're all together.

173
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,099
Told you
I'd get us in.

174
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:52,840
So, anyone been watching
The Young and the Restless?

175
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:58,779
(GASPS)
Awesome! Who ordered
Soap Opera Illustrated?

176
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:02,550
Huh. Marissa Heller,
I like your style.

177
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,485
Anyone?

178
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,791
Am I to understand that
there isn't a single

179
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,126
soap opera fan
in this entire elevator?

180
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,195
Hmm?

181
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:18,966
I don't own a TV.
The only operas I watch
are at the MET.

182
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,106
Dibs.

183
00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,342
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

184
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:32,245
Oh! Excuse me.
Jefferson, darling!

185
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,854
Wow, I am not
dressed for this.

186
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:44,491
One word, made up.
Douche-pocalypse.

187
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:48,796
Guys, that's Peter Bogdanovich
talking to Arianna Huffington

188
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,565
and Will Shortz, editor of
the New York Times crossword!

189
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,866
Look, let's give this
party a chance, okay.

190
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,668
There's free food,
free booze.

191
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,770
Twenty minutes,
then we can leave.

192
00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:59,439
But you see,
music was changing,

193
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:04,011
and Giovanni Artusi
simply didn't understand
the new style of composing.

194
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,746
Excuse me.

195
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:08,816
Are you talking about
Monteverdi and his
fourth book of madrigals?

196
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,550
My dear chap,
what else?

197
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:14,454
That's my favorite
book of madrigals!

198
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:19,326
Smoked foie gras
with caramelized mango
and creme fraîche?

199
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,928
Hey, hey, guy.

200
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,163
You have anything
in the mini-cheeseburger
department?

201
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,833
I don't think so, sir.

202
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,268
No. Mini-pizzas?
Little cups of fries?

203
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,638
Any food at all
that'll make me
feel like a giant?

204
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,773
I'll check, sir.

205
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:38,145
He's not gonna check.

206
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:41,248
I'm performing open heart
surgery on the Dutch
ambassador in the morning.

207
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,350
I hope he pulls through.

208
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:48,021
Really? A colleague of mine
just prescribed Coumadin to
the Dutch ambassador.

209
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,824
And there's no way
she'd be on anticoagulants

210
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:53,026
if she were about
to undergo surgery.

211
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:56,196
Just... Okay.

212
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:00,968
You know who published
a great article
on Walt Whitman

213
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,569
and the politics
of semantics?

214
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,304
Professor Hammersmith
of Oxford.

215
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,673
I am Professor Hammersmith.

216
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,842
What?

217
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,044
Which is exactly
what Truffaut
was talking about

218
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,781
in his 1954 article
in Cahiers du cinema.

219
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:18,051
Film is an auteur's medium,
full stop.

220
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,753
(LAUGHING)

221
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,089
Movies. Right?

222
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,390
Actors.

223
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,359
Willem Dafoe.

224
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,663
Funny thing
about Willem Dafoe.

225
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:34,267
His name kind of
sounds like a frog
talking to a parrot.

226
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:38,672
Willem. Dafoe!

227
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:41,809
Willem. Dafoe!

228
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:43,844
No?

229
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:47,314
As Undersecretary
of the Treasury,

230
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,150
I had a big hand
in crafting that
legislation.

231
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,721
Now, I wonder if
you'd like to join me
in the map room,

232
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:57,424
and give my package
some stimulus.

233
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:01,128
I'm afraid, my darling,
you're too old for my taste.

234
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,665
Hey, Zsa Zsa Gabor is
still looking pretty hot,

235
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,534
but otherwise,
this party sucks.

236
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,403
Yeah, well,
we gave it a chance.
It's been 20 minutes.

237
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,840
Let's get out of here.
Where's Ted?
Yeah.

238
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,776
I know how to find him.
Just give me one minute.

239
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,146
(CLEARING THROAT)

240
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:26,820
Gongs, right?
They're louder
than you think.

241
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:31,191
Young man, that gong
is a 500-year-old relic

242
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:34,928
that hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it

243
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:38,431
at the London premiere
of The Mikado in 1885.

244
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:41,101
Ooh.

245
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,404
His wife's a 500-year-old
relic that hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it

246
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,840
at the London premiere
of The Mikado in 1885.

247
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,309
Guys, guys, guys, guys,
Will Shortz!

248
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,778
Editor of
the Times crossword!

249
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:52,079
You know how
I've been saying,

250
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,181
"They always use Ulee
from Ulee's Gold

251
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,849
"because of the vowels"?
Well, tell them, Will,
tell them.

252
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,851
Because of the vowels.
It's because of the vowels!

253
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,253
Wow. Ted,
can I talk to you
just for a second?

254
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,290
Hey, Will.
Ten-letter word for
diminutive egg-based torte?

255
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:04,424
Mini-quiche? Where?

256
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,794
Right there.

257
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,628
Such a great party!
Such a great party!

258
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,263
Yeah, totally.
Ted, it's time to go.

259
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,332
It's Robots vs.
Wrestlers o'clock!

260
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:12,933
Oh.

261
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,968
Ted? There you are.

262
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,137
We'll be blind taste
testing French whites
in a bit.

263
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,306
It should be
a hoot and a half.

264
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,608
Well, I decant miss that.

265
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:24,611
(BOTH LAUGHING)

266
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:28,248
I know, you don't have
to say it. You don't
decant white wine.

267
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:32,052
Miss Lily,
in the living room,
with the candlestick.

268
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:36,356
JEFFERSON:
Oh, my heavens, no!
That was Edgar Allan Poe's!

269
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,191
Sorry.

270
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,260
Guys, listen.
I'm having fun here,

271
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:43,363
so I think I'm gonna skip
Robots vs. Wrestlers.

272
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,631
(GASPING)

273
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:49,002
But, Ted,
you've never missed
Robots vs. Wrestlers.

274
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:53,606
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no...

275
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,809
Ted, this isn't happening.

276
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,145
First, Robin ditches us
and now you!

277
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:01,214
And for these stuffy,
pretentious snoots!

278
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,650
Actually, I kind of
like these stuffy,
pretentious snoots.

279
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,486
They don't make fart noises
every time I open my mouth.

280
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:09,222
Well, look, I'm gonna stay.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.

281
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,358
Yeah, come on, Barney.
It's just one night.

282
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,061
- It doesn't mean anything.
- Oh! It means everything.

283
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,964
Ted, if you don't come
to Robots vs. Wrestlers,

284
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,066
it's the end of
our friendship.

285
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,501
I'll see you
guys tomorrow.

286
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:26,373
Fine. Then you are
out of our gang forever.

287
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:30,810
You can re-apply
in two years.
Marshall, Lily.

288
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:34,447
Let's go watch
wrestlers fight robots.

289
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,319
So embarrassing.
I forgot something.

290
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:56,203
So, Ted,
where did those chums
of yours scoot off to?

291
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:59,539
Oh! You know,
a poetry reading.

292
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,908
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

293
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:05,913
Best tradition ever.

294
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,847
Don't humor me, Marshall.

295
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,717
Let's face it,
the gang is over.

296
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:12,285
Ted's gone,
Robin's gone.

297
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,354
We might as well just go
our separate ways.

298
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:17,390
God, Barney, enough with
the abandonment issues.

299
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:21,228
Ted's allowed to have
a life outside of the group.
We all are.

300
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:24,831
Wait a minute.
Why are you saying that
all of a sudden?

301
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,699
Oh, God,
you're pregnant!

302
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,201
No!

303
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,270
Oh, God, you already
had the baby!

304
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:33,340
It's right behind me,
isn't it?

305
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,575
No, you idiot.
It's just...

306
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:39,379
Eventually,
we're all gonna move on.
It's called growing up.

307
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,715
ROBOT: Is that
all you got, bitch?

308
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,852
But can you at least
promise me that you won't get
pregnant for another year?

309
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:47,087
Can't make
that promise.

310
00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:48,655
You can't?
You can't?

311
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:49,889
(ALL CHEERING)

312
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:57,097
Mmm.

313
00:14:57,164 --> 00:15:01,168
Citrus and
honeycomb flavors
with crisp acidity.

314
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:05,305
It's a Sauv blanc,
Loire Valley.
Town of Sancerre.

315
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:09,676
(SIGHS) Correct again!
Bravo, boy.

316
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,011
(CHUCKLING)

317
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:13,713
No, you can't
have kids!

318
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,516
You don't want to bring
a child into this crazy,
messed up world.

319
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,386
I don't know. The world
seems pretty awesome
right now, Barney.

320
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,788
(ROBOT WHIRRING)

321
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,657
Okay, Lily,
you leave me no choice.

322
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:29,529
If you have a daughter,
the day, nay, the minute
she turns 18,

323
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,298
gong!

324
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:32,499
Oh, God!

325
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:36,703
But, Lily, Lily, babies.

326
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,438
(COOING)

327
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:42,075
I hope Ted is
miserable right now.

328
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:45,612
ALL: * Constance Fry
Constance Fry

329
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:49,249
* Anytime you call

330
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,919
* Constance will
fulfill your needs

331
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:59,959
* Winter, spring or fall *

332
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:06,566
Ted, your lyric baritone
is outstanding.

333
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,037
Thank you, Will Shortz.

334
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,973
Fine, you guys
can have a baby,

335
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,176
but only under
these conditions.

336
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:20,447
One, you promise
to always love me
more than the baby.

337
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:24,351
Two, once a month
I get to use the baby
to pick up chicks.

338
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:27,420
Three, that may involve
the baby falling
from a two-story window

339
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,389
and me heroically
catching it.

340
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,725
Four, no breast-feeding
in front of me.

341
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:34,761
Five, forget about four.
You can whip them out
whenever you want.

342
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,729
(IMITATES WHIP)

343
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:37,897
OLDER TED: And then,
something amazing
happened.

344
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:38,998
(WRESTLER GRUNTING)

345
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,433
(LILY GASPING)

346
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,668
Holy crap!

347
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,403
I don't believe it!

348
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,004
(EXCLAIMING)

349
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:48,508
Well, of course, hell is
an interesting concept,
isn't it?

350
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,643
I've always loved
to imagine it

351
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:54,147
as Dante did in
The Divine Comedy.

352
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:57,016
If you'll allow me.
In the original Italian.

353
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,087
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

354
00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:08,995
TED: I can't believe this.

355
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:12,732
I'm reciting
The Divine Comedy
in its original Italian,

356
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,401
and nobody's
making fart noises!

357
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,141
Wow, this is weird.
I've never gotten this far.

358
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:25,312
You know,
I actually sound
kind of douchey.

359
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,617
My God.
I'm out of control.

360
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,852
Listen to me.
I'm completely unleashed.

361
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,654
I'm the biggest douche
on the planet.

362
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,258
(TED CONTINUES
SPEAKING ITALIAN)

363
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,332
I wish somebody
would stop me.

364
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,999
OLDER TED: And then,
somebody did.

365
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,601
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

366
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,138
(EXCUSES HIMSELF
IN ITALIAN)

367
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,273
OLDER TED: Kids,
I think I told you
how earlier that year

368
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:56,409
we had seen
some doppelgangers of
ourselves around town.

369
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,145
There was Lesbian Robin.

370
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,412
(SPITTING)

371
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,348
(LILY LAUGHING)

372
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,650
There was
Mustache Marshall.

373
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,319
And, of course,
Stripper Lily.

374
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:11,491
Well, that night,
one more doppelganger
surfaced.

375
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:14,594
Mexican Wrestler Ted.

376
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,263
(SPEAKING SPANISH)

377
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,699
(ALL CHEERING)

378
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,203
(METALLIC CLANGING)

379
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,207
(EXCLAIMING)

380
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:32,445
I gotta go.

381
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,585
(DRUNKENLY)
Rule number 83,

382
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:42,289
if anything that comes
out of that baby gets
on one of my suits,

383
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,123
I get to touch
Lily's boobs.

384
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,193
Dude, what is it
with you and my
wife's boobs tonight?

385
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:48,461
Hey, hey! I don't
make the rules.

386
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,566
Baby, are you
really starting
to think about this?

387
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:57,304
I don't know.
Well, maybe a little.

388
00:18:57,370 --> 00:19:00,773
Okay. Well,
for whatever it's worth,
I think that we're ready.

389
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,476
You know,
look, we love each other,
we're financially stable

390
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,145
and honestly, I don't think
it would change our lifestyle
all that much.

391
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:07,914
OLDER TED: Aunt Lily
still likes to remind
Uncle Marshall

392
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,916
he once said this.

393
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,718
Marshall, if we
were at home with
a baby tonight,

394
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,820
we never would've seen
Ted's doppelganger.

395
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:16,856
Imagine missing that.
How would that feel?

396
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,758
I would blame that child
for the rest of his life.

397
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,893
Exactly. For the
rest of her life.

398
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,132
Okay, you're right.
There's no hurry.

399
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:29,869
Okay, how about this?
We agree there's no
sense in having a baby

400
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,305
until we've seen
all five doppelgangers,
right?

401
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,006
Of course.
Stands to reason.

402
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,809
Okay, so, when we finally
see Barney's doppelganger,

403
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,546
that's the universe
telling us it's go time,

404
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,914
and that's when we'll
start trying. Deal?

405
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:43,616
Deal.

406
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,419
Hey, guys.

407
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:50,056
Well, well. Look
who thinks he can
just waltz in here,

408
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,658
and be part of
the gang again.

409
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:54,727
- Well, you can forget it.
- Listen, Barney, I...

410
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,896
Please be part
of the gang again!

411
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,065
I don't wanna
lose anyone else!
We're all really sorry.

412
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:01,234
We'll even let you
recite all the douchey
poems you want,

413
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:05,171
and we'll never, never
say a bad thing about it.
I promise.

414
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:08,408
Really? Because there
actually is a poem
I'd like to recite.

415
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:11,478
Friendship,
by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

416
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:15,147
"A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs

417
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,483
"The world uncertain
comes and goes"

418
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,484
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

419
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,488
I'm sorry.
Someone had
to do that.

420
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,456
Who wants another drink?
I'm buying.

421
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:26,293
OLDER TED: Kids,
I'd love to tell you
that over the years,

422
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:29,128
we didn't all drift apart
a little at one time
or another.

423
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:32,432
You don't mean
for it to happen,
but it does.

424
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:35,001
But no matter what,
to this day,

425
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,304
come hell or high water,

426
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:40,773
we still all get
together every year
for Robots vs. Wrestlers.

427
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,616
Good night.
Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.

428
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,024
Willem. Dafoe!

429
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:01,594
Willem. Dafoe!

430
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,764
Willem. Dafoe!

431
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,500
(CHUCKLING)