1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,572
OLDER TED: Kids, your
Aunt Robin had only been
dating Don a short while,

2
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,074
when one evening,
out of nowhere...

3
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,241
Robin?
Hmm.

4
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:08,609
Do you wanna move in?

5
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:14,482
(STUTTERING) Well,
it's kind of soon, but,

6
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:18,852
sure, I would
consider moving in here.
Just let me think about it.

7
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,255
No, I meant do you wanna
move in on the couch so
I could sit down?

8
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,059
Yeah. That's
what I meant, too.

9
00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:27,161
Like I said, just
let me think about it.

10
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,629
Okay.
Okay.

11
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,367
Yeah. I'm okay with that.
Okay.

12
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,539
But now that
you mentioned it,

13
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:42,643
do you wanna move in?

14
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,811
So, what did you say?

15
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,045
I'm considering it.

16
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:46,447
You're considering it?

17
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,449
Yeah.
You barely know him.

18
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,518
Plus, the guy's a loser
with a dead-end job.

19
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,620
We have the
same job, Barney.

20
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,355
And we couldn't be
prouder of you, angel.

21
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,689
Ugh.

22
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,526
Well, sweetie,
this does seem
kind of fast.

23
00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,993
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe you're right.

24
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,028
I think you
should move in with him.

25
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,330
You do?
Yeah.

26
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,398
Yeah. I mean,
I see how happy you are.

27
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,334
And as much as I
love you as a roommate,

28
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,436
I want you to do
what's right for you.

29
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:09,737
Oh!

30
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,905
Are you
trying to kick me out
because of the milk thing?

31
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,274
It's really annoying.

32
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:18,412
(SHOUTING) Robin!

33
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,627
No. I have a system.

34
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:37,331
I put the empty
carton back in the fridge
to remind us to buy milk.

35
00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:40,934
Okay, why don't you leave
a full carton to remind us
we don't have to buy milk?

36
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,204
All right, all right.

37
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:47,575
As your ex, before
you jump into anything,
I need to meet this guy.

38
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,677
I think it's kind of weird
that I haven't met him yet.

39
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,579
Totally weird.
It's almost like someone

40
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,647
carefully orchestrated
it that way on purpose.

41
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:58,952
Fine. But
you have to promise to
be on your best behavior.

42
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,721
I promise.

43
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,291
So, I'm banging
this Portuguese
contortionist

44
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:06,160
and I swear,
she is so flexible,

45
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,962
at one point
she was on top of
me and underneath me.

46
00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,231
Up top and down low!

47
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,365
One and two, bang!

48
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,702
Who needs?
Who needs?
Who needs?

49
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:15,769
I'm good. I'm good.

50
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,205
And that would be Barney.

51
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,739
He means well.

52
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,107
Well, actually,
I'm not sure that's true.

53
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,142
I think he's awesome.

54
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,545
But I feel bad for any woman
with the kind of low
self-esteem

55
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:27,448
who would actually
date a guy like that.

56
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:31,719
OLDER TED: And that's
when I realized Robin never
told Don she had dated Barney.

57
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,755
I like you, Don.
We both love a good Scotch.

58
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,890
We both enjoy my
compelling stories.
Yeah.

59
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,193
And we both dated Robin.

60
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,361
OLDER TED:
Now he knew.

61
00:02:57,745 --> 00:03:00,448
So, Barney's your ex and
you still hang out with him?

62
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,849
I got to say I'm a little
uncomfortable with that.

63
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:05,219
Oh, look, don't be.
It's like we never dated.

64
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,855
Long story short, this
exchange student's
arms gave out,

65
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,391
and we both fell,
ass over sex swing.

66
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,460
Seriously,
I have not been
able to find a girl

67
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:13,794
who can do that
position since Robin.

68
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,398
Hey, Lily! Marshall!

69
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:20,000
How was
your weekend away,
or any other topic?

70
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,536
Awful.
Terrible.

71
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:26,307
Twin beds?
We can't sleep
in separate beds.

72
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,542
We should go complain.

73
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:31,545
Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna
march down there and demand
another room.

74
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:35,215
Yeah, I'll go with you
in just a sec.

75
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,786
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

76
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:39,587
MAID: Housekeeping.

77
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,625
Could you come back later?
We're taking a little catnap.

78
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,294
MAID: It's time to check out.

79
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,764
We slept for 18 hours.

80
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,333
We missed four
pre-paid meals.

81
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:55,068
I lost 11 pounds.

82
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:58,071
Hey, Ted, do you think
it's weird that Robin is
still friends with Barney?

83
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,107
I think it's weird
that we're all still
friends with Barney.

84
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,075
I just don't know
how I feel about
her hanging out

85
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:04,111
with one of her
exes all the time.

86
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,514
OLDER TED:
And that's when I realized
Robin had failed to tell Don

87
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:10,083
about another one of
her exes, me.

88
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:14,388
No, hanging out
with one ex is fine.
Even two, I'd give a pass.

89
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:17,291
Hell, two might be
even better than one,

90
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,192
for some reason.

91
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:20,528
Yeah, but if you
were dating someone

92
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,095
and he hung out with one
of his exes all the time...

93
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,864
Oh, wait, I'm sorry. "He"?

94
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,633
Yeah, and he was friends
with one of his exes...

95
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,101
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, dude, dude,
hold on.

96
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,737
Do you think I'm gay?

97
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,172
Well, yeah.

98
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,007
Why would you assume that?

99
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,410
Hey.

100
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,245
Hey, Ted, your
calligraphy teacher called.

101
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,413
And? And?

102
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:40,748
Your ink is in.

103
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,482
Yes!

104
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:46,920
Hey, guys,
I just wanna make sure
Project Runway is recording.

105
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:51,825
Did the Jets
get new costumes?

106
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:55,095
Well, I guess
we won't be having
creme brulee tonight.

107
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,064
My browning torch is broken.

108
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,869
You know,
when I heard your
roommate was a single guy,

109
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,105
I was a little jealous.
But now that I know
he's gay, I'm okay.

110
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,940
Oh, Ted's not...

111
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:10,077
But we still got
homemade lady fingers
and piping hot Darjeeling.

112
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,346
Awesome. Thank you.

113
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,348
Ted's not what?

114
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,851
Ted's not
gonna be around a lot.
He's following Cher on tour.

115
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,390
Okay, don't get me wrong,
Cher puts on a hell of
a show.

116
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,492
But I am not gay.

117
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,994
Hey, Lily, be honest.

118
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,196
Is it weird that
Robin hangs out with one
of her exes all the time?

119
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:32,099
Well, Ted and Robin
broke up years ago.
It's a non-issue.

120
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,601
Ted and Robin?

121
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:36,303
Not seeming so gay now,
am I, Donny?

122
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,871
Appletini for
the gentleman.
Thank you.

123
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:41,942
You dated Ted, too?

124
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,877
Robin, of the four people
you consider your best
friends in New York,

125
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,513
you've slept
with 50% of them.

126
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,448
Don, they're just my friends.

127
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,882
Yeah, but they're
also your exes.

128
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,351
And you live
with one of them.

129
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,854
Look, I'm sorry, I got to...
I got to think about all this.

130
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,959
LILY: (SIGHING) Mmm.
Mmm.

131
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:04,598
MARSHALL: My God,
she's a thousand degrees!

132
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,700
It's like putting my
leg against a tailpipe.

133
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:13,106
LILY: Ow! His toenails
are like daggers.

134
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,613
MARSHALL:
I'd love a sandwich,

135
00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,348
but no eating in bed.

136
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,316
Stupid rule.

137
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:24,718
We have ants one time.

138
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,358
LILY: Great, and now
he's falling asleep.

139
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,926
Cue the river of drool.

140
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,929
(GRUNTS)

141
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,232
MARSHALL:
My knee itches.

142
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,602
Just one little scratch.

143
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,607
Marshall!

144
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,578
I think we should
get separate beds.

145
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:53,447
Yes! A mini fridge
and separate beds.

146
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:54,748
Deal!

147
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,118
Don.
Hi.

148
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:01,655
I came to apologize to
all of you. I overreacted.

149
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,857
Well, we owe you
an apology, too, Don.

150
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,959
We said some
pretty hurtful things.

151
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:06,960
No, you didn't.

152
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:10,097
Right, right,
that was after you left.

153
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,600
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you the truth
in the first place.

154
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,536
No, I acted
like a total drama queen.
That's not offensive, right?

155
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,638
Still not gay.
Sorry.

156
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:20,741
So, look, the point
is you both are clearly
very important to Robin.

157
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,010
So, why don't
we all have dinner
tomorrow night at my place?

158
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:23,777
Oh, that's great.

159
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,714
Looking forward to it, buddy.

160
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:27,681
Thanks.
You're welcome.

161
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,250
DON: You want to go?
Yeah.

162
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,051
See you guys.
Bye.

163
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,520
Bye.

164
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,655
Ted?
Yeah?

165
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,058
I must have Robin back.

166
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,933
You're kidding, right?
No.

167
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,169
I don't know what it is,
but I want Robin back.

168
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,771
I know what it is.

169
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,641
You're like a little kid
who throws a toy away

170
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,943
and then wants it back
the second another kid
starts playing with it.

171
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,978
Well, maybe I wasn't
done playing with it.

172
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:01,515
Maybe I just set it down
'cause I wanted to play with
some other stuff for a second!

173
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,316
Okay.

174
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,552
You're ready.

175
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,186
Ready for what?

176
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,355
To read the letter.

177
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,924
OLDER TED:
Kids, the letter was
a device I'd invented

178
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:15,596
to remind myself why
I'd broken up with somebody.
I'd been doing it for years.

179
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,866
"Dear Future Ted,
never get back
with Karen

180
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,234
"because she's
a pretentious snob.

181
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,004
"Oh, also,
she cheated on you.

182
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,473
"I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.

183
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,241
(CHUCKLES)

184
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:31,044
"See, we're already
laughing about it."

185
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:35,048
"Dear Future Ted,
stay away from Natalie,

186
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,550
"or any girl who can
pin you to the ground

187
00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:39,987
"and beat you senseless
in front of a cheering crowd.

188
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,522
"P.S. Please
consult a therapist

189
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,725
"about why that turned you on
a little bit."

190
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:50,130
"Dear Relationship Genius,

191
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,733
"Stella left
you at the altar.

192
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:56,870
"You may never love again
and will probably die alone."

193
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,041
Huh!

194
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:05,245
It doesn't look so sad
written in calligraphy.

195
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,648
OLDER TED:
So, when Barney and Robin
broke up the previous fall...

196
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,617
Dating Robin
was a huge mistake.

197
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,619
Write that down.
What?

198
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,120
Write yourself a letter.

199
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,256
That way, when you
miss Robin, and you will,

200
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,658
you can
remind yourself
why you broke up.

201
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:18,759
Gladly.

202
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,030
"Dear Future Barney..."

203
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,331
Ooh!

204
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,599
This ink is cool.

205
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,635
Right? Right?

206
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,570
"You and Robin..."

207
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,372
"Were a terrible couple.

208
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,542
"It just didn't work.
Sure, you'll always
love Robin,

209
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,177
"but remember other women?

210
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:41,214
"More importantly,
remember other boobs?

211
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,584
"And all
the cool stuff
you can do with boobs?

212
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:47,655
"Nuzzle, juggle, honka-honka.

213
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,191
"I guess I'm just
a hopeless romantic."

214
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:56,864
Then there's
just a bunch of
drawings of boobs.

215
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,032
You get it now?
Yeah, I get it.

216
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,235
I definitely want her back.

217
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,137
(SIGHS)

218
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,074
I don't think human beings
were ever meant to sleep
in the same bed.

219
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,810
Somehow sex and sleep
got all jumbled together,

220
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,344
but they're two
different things.

221
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:14,114
I know.
I mean, I love you,
but I want this new bed

222
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,384
to be a sanctuary for
sleep and sleep alone.

223
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,387
Me, too. And some
light snacking,
but that's it.

224
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,657
Hey, you know
what we should get?

225
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:26,927
We should get a third bed
just for sex.

226
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,097
Yes! A sex bed!
A dirty, dirty sex bed!

227
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,000
It's genius. That way
each bed would have
a specific purpose.

228
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,737
Exactly. We'll have
two sleep beds, a sex bed,

229
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,038
and I'm thinking
a bean bag chair,

230
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,307
just for
special birthday stuff.

231
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:43,176
Baby, did we just
revolutionize modern marriage?

232
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,011
Damn straight!

233
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:48,248
(CLICKING TONGUE)

234
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,884
Hey!
Hey!

235
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,519
Hey, guys.
Hey, Don.

236
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:53,921
I hope you like sushi.

237
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,723
How cool is it
that Don makes sushi?

238
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,758
He learned while on
assignment in Japan.

239
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,627
Ringworm-ilicious.

240
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:04,064
Barney, be nice.
You only want her
'cause you can't have her.

241
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,665
It's like if I said
you can sit anywhere

242
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,901
in this room
except that chair.

243
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:11,071
Are you so petty that...
My chair! My chair!

244
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:14,241
Oh, spicy tuna with
jalapeno! My favorite!

245
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,209
Mine, too.
I love spicy food.
The hotter the better.

246
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:19,379
I love
spicy stuff, too, guy.
Probably more than you do.

247
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,480
Check it.

248
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,782
Don't...

249
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,417
Super mild.

250
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:29,656
I'm not feeling it.

251
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,325
Hey, Lily,
you won't believe it,
it's the craziest thing.

252
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,094
Don has twin beds, too.

253
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,996
Oh, my God!
We just got twin beds.

254
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,866
Oh, Oh. Great, great.

255
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:41,301
Well, wait, that "great"
didn't sound so great.

256
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,236
Well, my ex-wife and I
thought they'd be
a good idea,

257
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:46,706
but we just started
to drift apart. So...

258
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,542
Yeah, but
I bet you didn't have
another bed just for sex.

259
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,880
No, but she did at her
personal trainer's house.

260
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,815
This chili is like
an ice cube in my mouth.

261
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,218
I will say this, though.

262
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,487
I'm gonna
get a king-size bed if
Robin decides to move in.

263
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,655
Oh, I'd like that.

264
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:05,926
If I move in.
If you move in.

265
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,861
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Tokyo Don,

266
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,097
you ever do this
back in Japan?

267
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,531
Wasabi!
I wouldn't, Barney, no.

268
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,565
Hey. Oh, my God, Barney?

269
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:13,700
(EXCLAIMS)

270
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,868
Awesome!

271
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,236
Give him some milk!

272
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,605
Spit it out, Barney!
Spit it out!

273
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,740
Oh, we're out of milk.

274
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,509
But thanks for
the reminder, Robin.

275
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:23,510
(EXCLAIMING)

276
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,813
ROBIN: Oh, sweet.

277
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,081
Well, I hope you're happy.

278
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,117
Hey, I stand by what I did.

279
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,820
It was bold and romantic.

280
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,522
You soiled yourself
from both ends of your body.

281
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:40,093
Oh, come on!
You have done tons of
stupid stuff to impress Robin.

282
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:43,063
Yeah, I did,
but I don't anymore,
'cause I'm over her.

283
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,432
Just like you are.
You are not over her.

284
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,134
You want her back
just as much as I do.

285
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,435
You just won't
let yourself go there.

286
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,771
That is ridiculous.
And I'll tell you why.

287
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,176
"For my biographer"?

288
00:12:56,209 --> 00:13:00,881
Just... Just focus
on the letter, okay?

289
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,984
"Dear Ted, Robin is
the perfect girl for you.

290
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,019
"But she doesn't wanna be
in a serious relationship.

291
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,188
"You need someone
who wants to settle down,

292
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,124
"so until Robin's
ready for that next
step, she's not your girl.

293
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,496
"Still, I'll always remember
stealing her the blue
French horn,

294
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,399
"our first kiss,

295
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:23,403
"the look in her eye
when she told me she
loved me."

296
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,407
Damn it.

297
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,508
Now I want her back.

298
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,250
OLDER TED: So, that night,
your Uncle Barney and I sat down

299
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,052
to have a calm,
rational discussion,

300
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:41,154
about who
deserved Robin more.

301
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,623
No!
I stole her
a blue French horn!

302
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,125
I dated her for a year!

303
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,127
I wanted her to be
the mother of my children

304
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,062
and spend eternity
in her arms.

305
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:53,800
See, I wanna
have sex with her
at least one more time!

306
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,168
She is mine!

307
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,505
She's not yours!
And she's not mine, either.

308
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,340
She's Don's.

309
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,409
You're right.

310
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:05,212
We got to get
rid of that guy.
Yeah.

311
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:08,648
Yeah.
You know, figuratively.

312
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,484
Of course.
Or literally.

313
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:18,091
Oh, my God, Ted,
this is how it starts!
This is how it starts!

314
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,393
I'm scared, Teddy,
I'm scared, Teddy!

315
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,829
(SHUSHING)
Two guys talking.
Just two guys talking.

316
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,465
Okay. Okay.

317
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:28,001
Marshall, I'm worried.

318
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,869
I don't wanna get divorced.

319
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,439
Oh, baby.

320
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:36,809
Honey, that's Don.
That's not us.

321
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:39,146
Our new sleeping arrangement
is only gonna bring us
closer together.

322
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,614
Now get out of my bed.

323
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,352
Can we at least
push them together?

324
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,620
Sure.

325
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,722
Oh, you meant the beds.
No, I don't wanna do that.

326
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:50,958
Why not?

327
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,927
Baby, I love you
more than life itself.

328
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,662
But you're
a million degrees.

329
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:59,066
Honestly, I'm surprised
your hourly pee breaks
aren't just steam.

330
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,800
Well, you're no
picnic in bed, either.

331
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,636
Oh, except for
the food and the ants.

332
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,738
But, well,
I still wanna
be next to you.

333
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:08,808
Why? So you can kick
me and slap me all night?

334
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:10,477
I swear to God,
the second you
fall asleep,

335
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,345
it's like you
grow extra limbs.

336
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:14,247
It's like spooning
with a Hindu deity,
Ganesh!

337
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,287
Wanna push them together?

338
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,254
You still talking
about the beds?

339
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,156
Nope.
Get over here.

340
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:26,493
Robin Stinson!
Robin Mosby!

341
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:27,794
Robin Stinson!

342
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,796
Ted Scherbatsky!
I'll take her name.

343
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,064
I don't care.

344
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,333
Okay. Wait.
How about this?
How about this?

345
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,468
We share her.

346
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:40,173
I'll take her until she's 40,
and then you can have her
after that.

347
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:43,176
Okay, who
are we kidding?
She's with Don now.

348
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:45,445
We just have to accept that,
and move on.

349
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,114
You're right.

350
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:50,183
I'm gonna go to the...
I'm gonna go to the bathroom,

351
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,052
and then I'll skedaddle.

352
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:54,287
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

353
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,691
Hello?

354
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,894
Hey, Robin,
it's Barn Door.
Guess what? I'm open.

355
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,430
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

356
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,232
Hey, Barn Door, hang on.
I'm getting another call.

357
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,435
Hello?

358
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,903
Hey, Robin,
it's Teddy Bear.
Need a little honey?

359
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:11,704
(GROWLING)

360
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:14,874
No. Ted, hang on.

361
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,476
Okay.

362
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,545
Hey, Barney,
I'm gonna have
to call you back.

363
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,781
Ted's on the other line,
and I think he's in trouble.

364
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,351
Ted's calling you?
He's in trouble,
all right!

365
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,954
Ted, what's up?

366
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,490
You have pretty hair.
That's what's up.

367
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,292
And down your back.

368
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,360
(GROWLING SUGGESTIVELY)

369
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:35,695
(SCREAMING)

370
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:42,069
Wow. We almost let
that get out of control.

371
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,471
Agreed.

372
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,374
I'm gonna get out of here
before we do something
we regret.

373
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:50,943
Robin! Robin, I love you!

374
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:52,412
You son of a bitch!

375
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,613
Robin!

376
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:56,183
Robin, I brought you
the blue French horn!

377
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,950
I brought you
the blue French horn!

378
00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,352
Robin, Ted's just
holding it for me.

379
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:00,620
Sorry, buddy, all's fair.

380
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,024
Oh, God. Guys,
what are you doing?

381
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,759
Robin, I wanna win you back!

382
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,663
Hey, guys.
Why don't you
come upstairs?

383
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:12,765
Right.

384
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,069
All right, Don!

385
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:19,172
Let's settle this.
You, me and Ted!

386
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,807
Yeah! A three-way.

387
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:25,011
Look, guys,
Robin and I have
to go do our show,

388
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,380
so why don't you have a seat
on the couch, watch some
television,

389
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,516
and we'll
talk about this
when we get back, okay?

390
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,919
Wow, you give up easy.
Game, set, match.

391
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:35,755
Winner, winner,
chicken dinner.

392
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,226
Where's...

393
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,861
Where's this TV
you've been bragging about?

394
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,062
It's right here.

395
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,800
(BOTH SIGH)

396
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,338
Thanks.
You're welcome.

397
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,107
Good night, boys.
Good night.

398
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,675
Night, night, Papa.

399
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,078
That was nice.
Yeah.

400
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,452
Well, she gots to go.

401
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,053
What?

402
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:10,523
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was a blast.
And you're great.

403
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:13,025
But I have to
be up early, so...

404
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:14,127
(CLICKING TONGUE)

405
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:16,095
Well, you're
just kicking me out?

406
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,632
You knew what this was.

407
00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,740
Lily, Lily, wait.

408
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,579
Don't forget your
sweatshirt. Nice try.

409
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,649
Teddy Bear! Barn Door!

410
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,753
Papa?
Rise and shine, jackasses!

411
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,989
So, do you guys remember
anything from last night?

412
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,124
Yeah.

413
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:48,195
Boy, was Ted drunk.
Embarrassing.

414
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,899
I'm really sorry.
We both are.

415
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,603
We were drunk and stupid.

416
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,339
But we're gonna
do anything we can

417
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,608
to make sure that Don
feels a part of the group.

418
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:04,577
Don's not gonna be
a part of the group.

419
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:06,746
And neither am I.

420
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,749
At least for a while.

421
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:13,553
Guys, this thing
with Don is real.

422
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,822
And I wanna see where it goes.

423
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:18,291
And I'll never
be able to do that
if I keep hanging out

424
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,293
with my ex-boyfriends
all the time.

425
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,494
It just won't work.

426
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,665
I'm moving in with Don.

427
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:43,516
* It should be boredom by now

428
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:50,323
* I know the tricks

429
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,725
So, what's going on
with Robin?

430
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,961
You were right.
She was just mad.

431
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,863
It's been four days,
she hasn't said another
word about moving out.

432
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:00,467
But listen, we can never
pull crap like that
ever again.

433
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:05,071
Agreed. In fact, I even
wrote myself another letter.

434
00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:07,006
"Dear Future Barney,

435
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,510
"you think you want Robin
back again, but you
really don't.

436
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:15,181
"Let her go.
Sincerely, Past Barney."

437
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,083
Let me see that.
Hey, hey, give it to me.

438
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,919
All right, all right,
"P.S. That top part
was just for Ted.

439
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,188
"Did he buy it? Good.

440
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,490
"Now get back
together with Robin.

441
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:24,924
"But don't mention your plan
to Ted,

442
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,627
"'cause he'll just
screw it up again."

443
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,962
And then there's
more drawings of boobs.

444
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,432
Okay, okay.
In my defense,

445
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,268
how great are boobs?

446
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,069
They're pretty great.
They're pretty great.

447
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:38,305
So?

448
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,212
(EXCLAIMS)

449
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,814
(SHOUTING) Robin!

450
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:53,720
* Just like a heavy drinker

451
00:20:54,721 --> 00:21:00,126
* I go for it every time

452
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:04,697
* Hook, line and sinker